MY JOURNEY OUT

Authenticity in the journey

2012-01-18T00:54:00.000-06:00

I've pretty much come to the conclusion that writing comments on other people's blogs and maybe even entering into dialogue with them via the stream of online communication, apart from video calls, could possibly be deemed useless. I think it can work, but you really need to be careful with clarification and asking questions, to further dialogue and get a better understanding of what is being said. Terminology and wording is subjective...and can be misconstrued.

So much is being written about sexual identity...authenticity and some of it is very insensitive. I am to some degree quite frankly saddened by some of the misconceptions that are out there, and things that are being written regarding some of the responses and attitudes.

I am pretty authentic in my faith and my journey of who I am as a sexual male. I have great friends who I LOVE, who understand me, accept me and validate who I am. But my ultimate validation, love and acceptance comes from God...and not others. It is God who affirms me and calls me out of the wilderness and it was God who called me out of my captivity. For me, that captivity was the deception that being gay (and the use of that descriptive word was just that...a way I described myself, just as I would the color of my eyes, my height, my likes, dislikes, to me it was unchangeable)was okay. I had bought into the belief that I just needed to accept the fact that God made me gay...created me that way and I needed to get past the guilt and shame I felt as a christian.

For me...reconciling the two never worked. I chose being gay. That didn't mean I never tried. I did. I tried affirming congregations. I tried groups, but to me, there was something missing. I never felt a depth or an authenticity in those gatherings and it just felt like a political, or social justice meeting. Every time we met, we addressed the issues surrounding something about being lgbt defined as it pertained to policies...politics...and social justice meetings etc. I realized that in a lot of ways, I went from one extreme to another. It was disheartening and disenchanting. So, I privately prayed...but mostly, just lived life. I went to work, paid my taxes, lived with my partner, traveled, and pretty much did what other couples did.

but...having not addressed some key issues in my life, reconciling faithfulness wasn't in my reality but neither was that for a lot of my friends...and I will say that was true for my straight friends and my lgbt friends.
I was mostly happy. I had a good life.

So in the midst of all of this...why...if God so loved me as a gay man...why would he audibly call me out of that description and into something different? It doesn't make sense.
Some people would justify that...oh...then you weren't gay to begin with...or you didn't hear God? Or for you...being gay wasn't your true orientation.
The same people would justify saying that because I still struggle with same sex attraction...that I am lying and that I am not being authentic, that I am depressed, that I don't know who I am and in so, can't authentically minister to others. That my true orientation is gay...and I should label myself as gay and that I am now in a mixed orientation marriage.
Sounds like a lot of critique...right?

We need to be honest as to where we are at...reality! What is our reality? We need to be authentic in this...we also need to be authentic in the fact that we no longer live...Jesus Christ now lives in us. This doesn't mean we "lose ourselves" or our sense of "being", it actually is a "coming into the fullness of who we are as a gift to those around us". It is truly knowing ourselves and the complexities of understanding who we are...as God's created ones. He designed and predestined us all...and desires each of us to come to the knowledge of just how much HE loves us. That is really exciting if you ask me. It isn't a doom and gloom message of give this up...take away that, but in reality, recognizing all the stuff in my life matters, but not so much as to follow Christ. He asks us to come "follow him" to give up much, but not to lose who we are...HIS!

My reality is that I still face same sex attraction from time to time. It isn't as intense. I have learned a lot about ssa and it isn't this huge defining thing in my life. I don't condemn those whose journey is different than mine, or how it looks for them, but for me, I have experienced Jesus healing many factors surrounding ssa.

I also realize that this isn't something that defines me and that doesn't make me non authentic. I am honest with it and with others...but I am much more than this and I have a whole pile of stuff that God is dealing with in me...things that he wants to touch and heal and restore. I have also come to realize that our sexuality, is very important to God. The things God created is important and we have a thief that comes to kill and destroy and my personal belief is that this thief comes to distort and deceive and that is part of living in a sinful and fallen world.

Today...I kinda feel like venting. To just get things out of my head. It's late though and I have a full day tomorrow.

Pray for us, as we continue to seek God and His heart for his children.

Daddy Ballet

2012-01-15T23:43:00.001-06:00

So my 2 year old loves to dance ballet. We press the pre-recorded piano music on the piano and she gets on her tutu, her leg warmers...her hair in a bun...and daddy...well, daddy in tights.

We dance and jump and skip and giggle and it is profound. Why? Because I see an eternal God that will continue to WOW me...for eternity. Yep...a small step to dance, or you could say leap, and the look on my daughters eyes, brings me to tears of laughter. Oh...I love her so much. My Father God...he longs to dance with me, for me to take moments and come to him and say...Daddy...ballet? But I get caught up in adult things...like paying bills, going to work, cleaning the house, watching TV, and all the while Daddy is waiting for me to say..."Daddy, I need you, want you, and won't you dance with me today!"

Strange a 45 year old man...thinking of daddy ballet...but it is really profound when you think about it.

I can't wait till I get home...5 more sleeps...and then daddy ballet...with the most beautiful 2 year old around. Phoebe...daddy loves you!

Dad's...if you haven't danced with your daughter...there's no time like the present.

here I go

2012-01-15T00:03:00.000-06:00

Whew...so much to read and listen to and get informed about. Very good! I'm not so much complaining as I realize, there is so much more to do...and say...and live.

I've been reminded over and over again, that culture and the world around me isn't my destiny, nor definition and that I am focused on the one and only God...that called me to being...who imagined me before anyone did. My struggle with gender and the distorted views that I have had...have diminished...and yet there is always residual things that creep up. I am so glad to be married to an amazing woman who laughs with me and enjoys the ride! I love her so much more today than I did when we got married.

Tomorrow, I leave for Orlando to attend the Exodus Leadership Conference. I am looking forward to the event. Curious as ever to see what God has for us and what He will be showing me as it pertains to the journey ahead. God has been pouring out his wisdom and understanding in new and fresh ways this year. Grace and mercy...grace and mercy.

To be honest...I think about the conference and I think about my attendance...and I am really stoked about the worship. God is pushing me into worship and to step out and sing...and to play...which has brought up a lot of stuff. I grew up in the performance mode of playing piano and singing. It was something that I loved, but you have to face it...for me, piano festivals...and chorus festivals brought out a lot of fear in me...insecurity...and really for me it was all about perfectionism. I had to be perfect. I couldn't mess up. If I did...that was it.
So fast forward to this year...I am stepping out to worship lead...to be on a worship team...and what rears it's ugly head...but perfectionism...a fear of making a mistake. I'm glad it did. Because it is something that I really don't want nor stand in my life...and so I send it away. I take risks...take every opportunity that comes my way...trusting that God is in it...will walk me through it...and give me the strength. I worship him. I play for him...I sing for him.

So here I go...off to Orlando...off to warmer weather (I hope) and off to meet with some amazing people, who love God...who have given up lots to serve their king.
May the Lord be honored and glorified and lifted up. If you think about us, please pray that we keep God front and center and that we will be refreshed from these meetings.

Please also pray for protection and provision for Paula and Phoebe. Provision is something that we are praying about...it has been very tight...and so much so that some days...we don't know how we will make it...but we know God has good things in store. Thanks to each of you who pray and read this...I am looking to write more...ya, ya...I said it before. But really, I hope that this year, is one of increased writing.

Love ya!

a side - b side = forgiveness

2012-01-14T03:12:00.000-06:00

Oh there is this buzz in the air...a hum of activity. People reading, searching out blogs that have any reference to the latest Gay Christian Network Conference recently held in Orlando.

The comments have been flying as to why the President of Exodus was asked to be on the panel discussion. This has raised a lot of concern on both what people term side a and b.

I was sent the audio of the panel to listen to. I spent a couple of hours digesting what was said, the feelings that came across as I listened and then afterwards let it rest for a while as the thoughts began to "percolate" around my mind. A few days later, I began reading responses and comments from various people.

I won't expound on any one person, as there is just too many people writing on this event. (I do want to remind readers and I have to remind myself as well, that we can get caught up in various arenas of thought and expressions that we lose sight of getting out there and serving. There are many people in need and we are called to cloth, feed, comfort and take care of people...so lets do it)

I came away from listening and reading with a couple of thoughts.

For me, I had some serious trauma growing up. If we study brain science (Dr. Karl Lehman is doing some great work in this field) we can see that many people have some form of trauma in their lives (trauma can be described as some form of event that caused us to record/interpret an event falsely due to varying factors (this usually happens in childhood), it can be from not receiving legitimate emotional or basic things, and it can also be severe abusive experiences, emotional, spiritual, physical or sexual).
For myself, it was many of those factors, which caused me to begin to interpret all the things that I saw and experienced around me. To an outsider, we all looked pretty normal but on the inside, I was pretty messed up.

What I am getting at here...is that we will walk in relationships, talk to people out of our experiences in life. We can hold on to deep wounds...we can use that to whip or hurl anger at another person, we can hold on to unforgiveness while holding a placard up saying...we deserve an apology!! All of this within the body of Christ.

For myself, I've had to lay a lot down. I have had to continually walk out forgiving others...and letting go. Sometimes, in my humanness, I pick it back up, carry it again, but it becomes toxic and I am reminded...oh ya, this stinks. So back I go again, forgiving.

A few thoughts flew around as I listened.
1. Does culture owe me an apology for saying to me "once gay always gay?"
2. Does culture owe me an apology for saying to me "you're just lying to yourself"?
3. Does culture owe me an apology for saying to me "you're in a mixed orientation marriage"?
4. Does culture owe me?

When I broke up with my gay partner (because our relationship had fallen apart) and then met the Lord who drew me out of a gay identity paradigm...calling me to walk authentically in my faith...and then my ex partner took me to the cleaners and ultimately, I was left with almost nothing financially...DOES HE OWE ME?

WHO OWES ME? When I think about all the hurt and the unforgiveness that I listen to and hear, I think...no one owes us anything...but rather...we owe Jesus... EVERYTHING!
This isn't to just pat people on the back and tell them to get over their pain. On the contrary...it is saying...your pain is important and Jesus is able to carry it and allow you to let it go and to not carry it again. Because it becomes smelly and stinky and you become the very thing you can't forgive.

No ones life is free from pain or sorrow, some type of grief or wounding. When we hold on to unforgiveness...we begin to tell...yell...proclaim that the other person needs to STOP, the other person needs to pay...the other person is horrible. We begin to paint a picture with broad strokes putting everyone who may be associated with that person on the same canvas. If I can be so bold as to say, this is true for those on SIDE A and SIDE B. (and I kinda hate that whole side a and b descriptive...or the us vs them)

Another thought that came was "we are all human...and to human is to fall short and hurt others...we will do that...it's inevitable! But to offer grace and mercy to others is a great blessing, something that we don't do well, when entitlement and unforgiveness is holding us hostage."

I've also been described as being in a mixed orientation marriage...the fact that I am still same sex attracted, but married to a woman...who also was at one point same sex attracted (who by the way...isn't anymore), this descriptive isn't fair nor correct. I would rather say it as I am in a mixed gender marriage...I am a man, married to a woman. My orientation...is no longer defined by my sex drive. My orientation is now defined by my creator, and in him, I am a new creation, the old has passed away. That is one reason I no longer hold the descriptive that I am gay. That isn't who I am anymore. I mean no disrespect, but I stand on scripture and who I am called.

In the end...we have all been wounded...and we have all wounded. None of us is perfect, and none of us will be perfect. What we do with that is up to us. We can continue to carry our placard...pounding our fists...or we can lay down the stink...and get on with it. Forgiveness begins with a simple statement, and then a lifelong journey to continually lay it down at the cross.

So side a...and side b...it's all up to you! What are you doing to do?

start again

2011-12-13T12:27:00.000-06:00

God has been reminding me that it's always okay to just start again.

For most of my life, finishing something has been a challenge. Maybe not so much finishing something but maybe it is just the discipline to have routine and factor that in to my day to day life.

December is always a month that I begin to look back over the year and think..."what worked and what didn't".

One of the biggest things that I am finding is that having a child has turned my life topsy turvy. I knew it would change my life, but to this degree, I did not imagine. It seems that the last thing that I can manage is to read the word and pray. I get caught up in play, laundry, cleaning, laundry, cleaning...oh ya...and play!!!

Today, I realized that Phoebe (our daughter who is 2)just became Daddy's girl. For months, I have pinned for her to see "daddy" to run to "daddy", but she has needed the comfort of her mother...to secure her in love and now she is beginning to look to Daddy to affirm her in who she is.

So I sat down this morning to read the word. (starting a new schedule, as this has not been a good year for scheduling reading)
Who comes running up to me with her dolly's and is wanting to play? She looks at me with her big brown eyes and I stop and play. I engage her in play and then go back to reading and 5 minutes later...she comes with a book...and says "sing jingle bells?" and so we go to the piano and spend time singing together. She is a delight.

After I go back to read, she comes again. I put the reading aside and will do it later. What I have realized is that my time with the Lord is so important, and time with my daughter is important. I want and need to spend time with both. I also need to spend time with Paula and connect with her heart.

So I start again. I look at the ways things didn't go so well, maybe in my relating with the Lord and reading the word and having a more disciplined life. The ways I may have not sought out Paula's heart in the ways she needed. When I think of all the things that didn't work this past year, I know that I could easily get paralyzed in fear...but I need to turn that back to Jesus and know that there is always new beginnings, fresh starts. I am reminded of the Israelite's who started over many, many times. I am reminded that we have a merciful and loving God, who is with us, despite ourselves and our own failings.

Lord, help me to see my worth in you. Out of that understanding may I increasingly know that there is nothing that can separate your love for me. That I am your beloved child and I matter to you. That you do have a good plan for my life and the life of my family. Lord, I surrender my life to you, the longings yet fulfilled, the desires of my heart and the fear and worry of day to day life. May my eyes be fixed on you, rather that the circumstances around me. May, I live my life pleasing to you. Birth in my a new revelation of your love, a new passion for your word and discipline to set good routines for my life, so I can be a loving Husband and Father.

I love you Lord...

amen

Gender and Sexuality...is it really that important?

2011-09-07T20:53:00.001-05:00

I have had several emails from those who read my last column “Born this way? CC August 22, 2011), and I want to thank all my readers for taking the time to consider the words that I put together. This column dealt with social issues, focusing primarily on same gender attraction and the church.

To some, this issue may be something we “just don’t talk about,” while to others there may be an attitude of “what’s the big deal, it really isn’t much different than someone dealing with heterosexual lust issues.” I believe that our gender and sexual identities are very important not just for us, but to God and how he designed us. Culturally speaking, we live in a hostile climate. My mom, who has spoken along side my wife and I at various settings, states that there is a “climate change” that is happening and she’s not talking about the environment. Rather, she’s talking about a change in how the church and society views gender and identity. Some church communities are slowly becoming an affirming place for those who are gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgendered, and by doing so are encouraging these people to continue walking in their broken state rather than offering the hope of restoration through Jesus Christ.

Gender and sexual identities are important. I believe that God formed us and made us male and female, and that he created us to be this way for a reason. Specifically, he did this so that we could bear his image to the world around us as we walk in whole and holy relationships with the opposite sex. What we are seeing is a distortion of gender, a confusion regarding sexual identity and an embrace of a fallen, broken state. The enemy of God loves this. The enemy of God (Satan, Devil or whatever name you call him), wants to wipe God off the face of the earth. He will do whatever he can to accomplish this. This is a bold claim, but I believe that one of the last frontiers that the enemy has is our gender and our sexuality. Abortion has been going on for years, killing innocent babies. Babies that God knew, created and had plans for. The enemy continues to have his hand in the whole area of abortion, but that isn’t enough. If he can distort the image of God in any way, then he has done his job.

Someone who read my last column asked me “Really, what is so different about same gender strugglers?” For myself, I came to the place of realizing that my unwanted same sex attraction was no different than a heterosexual man dealing with lust (other than
the object of our lust). The root issues for me were very similar. I struggled with shame, insecurity, low self esteem, control and anger. When these core issues are triggered it caused me to seek comfort in the arms of another man. Often when these core issures are triggered for a heterosexual man dealing with sexual addiction, it causes them to seek comfort in the arms of a woman.

It’s important to realize though that those who struggle with unwanted same sex attraction come from varied background and experiences, and that the issue is very complex. It isn’t just a pat answer that will help the struggler. The person who struggles has often spent years in silence, often fearing a negative response from those in their community, specifically within the body of Christ. How we respond and how we love is very important to those who struggle with gender and sexual identity issues. If what I believe is true regarding the enemy destroying God’s image by distorting gender, then the body of Christ needs to rise to be a different voice, a voice of hope and restoration. It needs to rise to it’s place as a community of grace and truth. Affirming and bringing people into the healing presence of Jesus Christ is crucial. Loving people and being truthful about our own broken places will hopefully allow others to realize that the body of Christ is a safe place to seek out the restoration of God’s intended purpose for our gender and sexual identities. This is a huge issue we are facing. One that won’t “just go away,” but is at the very heart of a God whose image depends on how we walk out our gender and sexuality.

back at it!

2011-08-30T22:58:00.002-05:00

It's time to get back into this thing called blogging. I have done some thinking over the last year especially since our daughter is now turning 2!!

I put aside writing because, I really was just plain tired. Being a 44 year old dad means to be intentional with everything, especially with my time. Even now as I type this at 11 pm, I realize my greatest gift to Phoebe and to Paula is to head to bed, get a great night sleep and begin again in the morning.

Alas, I am a night hawk. Love the night and get my second wind around 10 pm.

So I won't make this profound or amazing, but rather, a statement that I am coming back on. Typing my thoughts and the things that mull inside my head.

It's gonna be interesting folks. Sometimes, it won't be anything profound...sometimes, it may be things to ponder and think about...and maybe you'll get a laugh or a tear. But I am thankful and humbled by those who continue to read this blog, and comment, and those who have been encouraged by the journey God has me/us on. I wouldn't trade it for anything. Seriously, it is what brings me to my knees and brings me to the cross of Jesus everytime.

Things I am working on...writing...worship! Oh, and I have my first Sermon in September. I am kinda excited about that. The topic "things we don't talk about in church...namely SEX!"

Only God in His great mercy can take a former gay activist, transform his life into a humble servant...willing to share the journey with others, so that God receives all the glory and fame...and hopefully others who are struggling, can rise to their feet and know in increasing ways...the supreme love of our Papa...and be open with their own lives so others can see that there is hope!!!

Until next time...blessings to you in your own journey.

Believing

2011-07-29T10:25:00.002-05:00

This morning, I woke up with a song in my heart. To believe, to radically believe that our Father can do exceedingly more for us, that He can move into every area of our lives and permeate us with His love and affection.

We are believing in BIG things and small things. Our God is a big, big, big God. He is the only true God. To think that He calls us His children. His beloved. That He has an amazing inheritance for His children. Why wouldn't we want to share that with others? I don't want anyone to miss that!

I think...if God can pull someone like me out of the mud and mire of my own making...and clean me off and set me free to worship Him...to give Him glory...wow, what more can He do...in my life...and in everyone's life.

Giving

2011-07-28T15:38:00.002-05:00

This morning as we stuffed envelopes and donation cards, including our fall fundraiser update, a few of us (volunteers) got talking about support raising.

We talked about the challenges of raising funds, and the CRA strict guidelines for not for profit ministries (staff). I have been extremely blessed in the fact that with monthly donors and one time givers, I have had a full salary for almost my whole time here at LW. That isn't the case for many missionaries who live by faith. Sometimes it can be very difficult and yet they see God come through countless times.

The reason I pondered on this and talked about this is because society and cultural influences are beginning to change things in regards to what ministries receive a charitable status.

In 2011 "The federal New Democratic Party, Canada’s official opposition, unanimously adopted a resolution over the weekend to revoke the charitable status of unscientific “ex-gay” organisations, including Exodus Global Alliance."
(read the full article here)
http://www.slapupsidethehead.com/2011/06/ndp-resolves-to-revoke-ex-gay-charitable-status/

This came as quite a shock, but we are not surprised given the history of activists who do not fully understand and quite frankly won't understand the issue of unwanted same sex attraction, as it pertains to a orthodox faith viewpoint. (conviction)

Since this article and countless ones have been written on this particular issue, I got thinking about all ministries...specifically Christian ones as well as Churches who continue to believe that homosexuality (the act) is sin, could well be on their way toward non-charitable status. It seems the loudest voice wins, no matter what a specific organization or ministry is doing. If someone finds something offensive, especially in the who area of GLBT, watch out! There is no grace or willingness to understand a different way of thinking. Part of that comes from not being enlightened specifically in the area of spirituality.

Thinking even more about this issue, I have to look deeply within the christian culture (if I can say that) and see that often times we as believers donate to causes because we'll get a nice big charitable donation receipt. I have to admit that I am privy to that thought process. I know that giving my tithe allows me a benefit. Yet, what if that is taken away? Would we give? Would I give? God has been really pushing me outside my rights to receive a tax benefit and is asking me to give over and above...When you give to the poor, don't let your left hand know what your right hand is doing. Maybe this even goes further in thought to look at how we live in community and how we do life. How do we support and care for those around us who are in need? Do we wait for a tax receipt?

"What father among you, if his son asks for bread, would give him a stone, or if he asks for a fish, would give him a snake instead of the fish?

This idea continues to swirl around in my head and I will most likely be thinking about this for quite some time and or write about it to get it out of my head. But do I want it out? What I want to do is continue to press in and pursue the Lord and what He is asking of me. To know that nothing...absolutely nothing belongs to me...and that in and through him ALL my provision comes. It is only through Him!

My family and I have been the recipient of many people who have provided over and over again, above our understanding, our imagination. We have seen God move in the whole area of provision. Both for those who donate and receive a tax benefit and to those who send us funds in the mail knowing full well they won't receive any receipt for that giving.

We thank God for each one of you. For the blessing you are to us and more so, the blessing you are to your heavenly Father when you step out and give. He loves you so much. You are all his favorite kids...and He lavishes His love on each of you!!!

Thoughts on Lady Gaga's Guest Editor Stint for the Metro

2011-05-19T13:56:00.004-05:00

Let your identity be your idol…oh I mean religion.

Lady Gaga’s image appeared front and center on the cover of the Metro news in Winnipeg. Born This Way the caption printed under the image of Stefani (real name) a cross hanging from a dog collar around her neck, dressed in a two piece black number with rhinestones hanging from her breasts. Flashbacks to Madonna come to play in my mind as I look at her image. Who is Lady Gaga? In her one hour interview with Michael Freidson she gives snippets of the reality in her life…or is it fantasy. In regards to her Born This Way album, she states, “The most paramount theme on the record for me struggling to understand how I can exist as myself, as someone who lives halfway between fantasy and reality all the time.” This could well paint a good picture of the now 25 year old who continues to paint a very peculiar picture of herself in media and to her “little monsters…her fans”. She wants to change the world.

Funny thing is, the world has bought into another entertainer who by rights saw a void in the whole area of sensationalism and has used that to gain momentum and this is not uncommon nor is it new. Each generation needs or longs for a new sensationalist who grabs there attention and does things that bend and twist the norm, to validate and affirm things within them.

I believe we are all born with an innate void that needs to be filled. If we think theologically, we are all born into sin. We have a predisposition to be rebellious in nature and live to please ourselves rather than submit ourselves and our human nature to our creator God. As Gaga’s interview goes on, she states that she was “taught her whole life about Judas and Jesus and Mary Magdalene.” She goes on to say that Mary Magdalene fascinates her, as she believes that Mary is both “wholly human and wholly divine”. She then asks herself, “how can I be fully magical and fully human?”

I believe we are to come to the place of understanding how we are “Born This Way”, not in the ways we define ourselves, nor allow others to define us, but to recognize the area within us that longs for acceptance, affirmation, love, which in it’s fullness will not be filled until we meet our saviour Jesus Christ and our Creator God. We will in our humanness grapple with identity, self worth, wholeness, acceptance, love and the list could go on, while we are here on the earth.

Gaga goes on to repeat herself over and over again, that her passion is social justice and music. She says she probably should go to therapy and goes on to say that she is in tune with herself. That at the end of the day she has to look in the mirror and be proud of everything she stands for. She says she doesn’t party very much, nor is she seen falling out of nightclubs…yet, she is still a sensationalist. Would Lady Gaga be who she is, if she doesn’t wear a meat dress, nor dress provocatively in an already sex crazed society? In a recent show on TV, she was described as a positive role model for young girls. I had to laugh a bit at that, but took serious note as to that statement. Would I want my daughter to look at her as a role model, dressed the way she does? Would I want my daughter to dress like that? Would I want my son to come home with a woman dressed like that?

I don’t want image to be the only impression, yet it plays a part in the image and role that she plays in our culture. Lady Gaga, doesn’t work with men who are dealing with sex addiction, yet she is a role model for sex addiction. She says social justice is very important to her, yet as a role model what negative roles does she play? Our society of young people are buying into her sensationalistic mentality and running with it.

If Lady Gaga would clear away the outfits, the sexualized images and provocative statements, the makeup (essentially, everything that has imprinted her as Mother Monster) and just sang and worked on social justice issues could she do it? Could she see a bigger picture of what and who she is in the world around her, rather than the Monster image portrayed by her? My heart breaks for her, as I see a young woman desperate for attention, longing to know what real love truly is, even if she can’t see it. As much as she is a sensationalist and a poor role model, my prayer is that she knows the incomparable love of her heavenly Father who calls her to something more, something greater than what she can imagine.

The May 17th issue of Winnipeg’s Metro was focused on the now “Born This Way” LGBTQ campaign. Throughout the paper well known gay and lesbian media representatives answered the question, “What advice would you give your 15-year old self, knowing now what you didn’t know then.”

What surprised me as to the whole theme of the paper was the idea of wanting humanity to find togetherness and in Lady Gaga’s words “We are all different and it is that which makes us the same.”

Is my existence which is different than the cultural expectation of me (someone who was once gay identified, who would still say I struggle with same gender attraction to some degree) acceptable and welcomed, understood and embraced?

Is the message welcomed that if you are in conflict with your same sex attraction, specifically in regards to your faith, that you can seek out wholeness, seek out healing, and an understanding to why you may feel this way, rather than taking on the immediate labels LGBTQ or “Born This Way”? Is that immediately deemed abusive, repressive, homophobic if you decide to uncover why you think or feel this way and decide to find another way to define yourself.

Having struggled with my sense of gender identity for years before I came out at age 30 and then at age 38 decided to look at the root causes of my gender distortion and confusion after an encounter with my creator God, I came to realize that I am so much more than “the struggle” and I see a bigger picture of who I am and why I was created as a gendered being. I see my worth and my identity wrapped up in my understanding of who I am as a son of God. Fully loved, fully embraced and fully free to be the man God had from the beginning desired me to be. I walk upright and fully present to my weakness, my faults and vulnerabilities. My struggle is not a liability, nor does it hinder me to fully love myself, my wife or my daughter…and ultimately those around me.

My message to my 15 year old self if I had been asked the question:

Life gets better. It really does. You may not see it now, nor understand fully because of what you are struggling with and even the ability to understand it fully may not happen for a while, but know that the God who created all things, who knew you before your parents even did, has a plan and a purpose for your life. He didn’t create you gay, nor is He punishing you or causing this internal struggle with your gender. He does though have a bigger plan for your life, one that will BLOW you away. Learn to trust Him. Find some safe people to talk with, ones who will walk with you and listen. They don’t need to have all the answers, but they should walk you toward Christ. Be transparent. Be real. Don’t hide your struggle or your questions, but talk about it. There is no shame in struggling, there is no shame in who you are, unique, wonderful, amazingly talented, handsome, confident, a beautiful gift to those around you. You don’t need to try to be like other men around you, the ones you think you should be like, rather be you. Be who God made you with all the musical talent, creativity that comes from Him.

You are more than your struggle and you are way more than what the world would label you as. Don’t seek out idols, don’t let heterosexuality be your idol, don’t let homosexuality be your idol, don’t let the struggle be your idol. Worship the Lord. Worship Him with abandon. He longs for you to come and bring everything to Him.

He will make the journey ahead full of joy…but remember as you seek out holiness, that does not necessitate happiness (happiness is different than joy). Holiness comes with a cost, it is sacrificing your life, laying it down at the foot of the cross daily. That is hard. It is a sifting and a refining and the LORD JESUS CHRIST who made the ultimate sacrifice is right there with you. HE won’t give you more than you can bare.

Remember to love yourself, for in doing so, you can love others well. Be brave, be courageous and be bold in your faith and your transparency. I love ya!

Called into Fullness

2011-05-10T13:16:00.001-05:00

Last month I participated in a one day conference on gender, where I spoke on the stages of development regarding same-gender attraction. In preparing for the topic, I read numerous books and articles and found many interesting facts on the subject. I made notes, interjecting my own story within the often-dry facts, and created a powerpoint for the visual learners.
Every time I am invited to share my journey out of a gay identity, I am honoured and take it very seriously. I consider it pure joy to have walked this path, even through the hardships, struggles, temptations and battles that have taken place. I see a much bigger God because of it. So this invitation was no different than the rest. But it ended up being something of a first for me. As we entered the church, there seemed to be a buzz of anticipation regarding this topic. The room was packed. Usually, events like this draw a handful of people, but this one was larger and people seemed keen to understand the issue. This impacted me at an emotional level that I had not experienced in a long time. On more than one occasion, I had to swallow to hold back the emotions so I could get through the topic.
The day progressed — participants eagerly asked questions and sharing in group discussions. The hum of understanding swelled among the congregation. It was beautiful to see understanding and compassion meld together in unison.
Then, at the very end of the event, when one of the speakers was winding down the conference, a middle-aged man stood up. He wanted to make a statement. (Even as I write this, tears well up inside me). Silence filled the room as he stood before us. He cleared his throat and then began. He wanted to apologize on behalf of the church for not loving those who struggle with this issue. He asked for forgiveness for remaining silent when he could have shown love. He repented for not learning about the issues of same gender, instead remaining ignorant and uncaring. It was a highly emotional response and I am not sure there was a dry eye in the room. The last speaker who had remained on stage openly wept as this man repented and asked for forgiveness. When he was finished speaking, the speaker (still weeping) accepted the apology and thanked him for his vulnerability and loving response, and then the two men embraced.

What repentance triggers
The leader went on to say that he has been speaking on the topic of same gender attraction for nearly 20 years and this was the first time anyone had ever done that. It deeply impacted him, as — more often than not — the church community has turned a blind eye to those who struggle with homosexuality, hoping that the issue goes away or someone else deals with it rather than stepping up to become a healing community that loves and embraces. For myself, I saw a community eager to learn and understand, rather than remain closed off in ignorance regarding the complex issue of gender attraction. Deep healing happened within me as I witnessed this embrace between these two men.
My prayer is that this begins to happen in the whole body of Christ. That we become a healing community that loves and embraces all people. That we become a body that doesn't just turn a blind eye at one part, but looks at the whole body and comes to realize that we all need each other. Those who are struggling with same-gender attraction need the body of Christ to call them forth into the fullness of who God has designed them to be, restored and whole. Heck, we all need that. None of us are exempt in our need of others to speak life to us. A lot of us continue to walk in distorted views of ourselves and that's why we need others. Maybe that begins with the posture of the repentant man, who initiated something at that conference. He confessed his own lack, his own apathy and asked for forgiveness. Maybe as we do that, we will attract more people to the body of Christ rather than repel people away from what they desperately need — each other. May we become the healing communities that Christ is calling us to be.

Published in the Christian Courier

Out of the Mud and Mire

2011-04-07T17:10:00.002-05:00

During our prayer time today, I had a deep sense of the Lord asking me to go deeper into what breaks His heart. I got an image of Jesus pulling someone out of a pool of mud/mire/shit and a hand reached out of that muddy pool and grasped a hold of the persons ankle, trying to drag this person back down.

Thankfully, our God is bigger, stronger and more loving than any other being that exists in the past, present and future. He is the creator and giver of life to everything.

But we have millions of people who are caught up in a battle for their lives. Ephesians 6:12 reads

For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the powers, against the world forces of this darkness, against the spiritual forces of wickedness in the heavenly places.

There is an enemy that wants to pull us...God's created ones down into the mud and mire to keep us bound, hidden and unable to move due to the weight of all the crap around us. The way we think, the way we believe, the way we act, countless ways we stay bound in captivity.

I was doing some research today on articles and organizations that have really made my heart break. One comes from a health and wellness magazine which was advertising the www.getiton.ca website. The name in and of it self can speak volumes in regards to how culture views the GLBTT community and even how they see themselves.

It says it is there to promote wellness within the GLBTT community and yet as you dig deeper within the site, it becomes quite clear that everything goes...as long as you are not hurting another person. Specifically in the Is this Normal? link. They dis-spell that sex can be an addiction...when in reality it can. They do say that if it interferes with everyday routines...you "might" consider discussing your concerns with a counselor or mental health practitioner. But find a sympathetic voice within the GLBTT community who will understand you and not make you change what is an essential part of who you are...someone who is compulsively sexual. They say that compulsive sexual behaviors which involve the internet, porn, cruising, sex or any other behaviors, stating that these are not harmful in and of themselves.

...STOP...

Not harmful? We can become liberated and free...yet there are many aspect of that statement that are untrue and are very harmful both to the physical, emotional and spiritual aspect of any person who engages in behavior such as this. It may feel liberating and free...yet it does harm us at the core of who we are.

This link goes on to spread much untruth about Reparative therapies, stating they interpret religious texts in ways that support only certain sexual preferences or behaviors. To quote "In an effort to "save" GLBTT people, reparative therapies are aimed at convincing people that they should deny their gender and or sexual identities and or preferences."

Further down, it reads that the people that are most susceptible to reparative therapies are those who identify strongly with religious communities...and that it is not easy to explore and trust an aspect of yourself that is rejected by an entire community. It gives a link to the only spiritual component to the site that I have seen which in no way acknowledges the journey of someone of faith who cannot reconcile being GLBTT within their component of faith.

It really is heart breaking the lies that have been written and forced upon people who deem tolerance and diversity to be key ways to live and accept others who may be different.

This site though it has some good articles on health, has many messages of hate, and has many messages that do not promote holistic health in any manner. It is disheartening and it grieves and breaks God's heart, as He has so much more for those in the GLBTT community.

So what now? Where do we as a faith community go or do? We love. We begin to address our issues of unhealthy ways of relating, speaking, and looking at others. We begin to get healthy in all areas of our lives. We begin to walk with a transparency and realness and a kindness that shows the love of a Father, willing to give up His son for all mankind. How are we being Christ? How are we loving others, as we love ourselves?

I believe it's time for the body of Christ to rise and takes it's place to be the redemptive voice, the hands and feet and to not bow down to the mud and mire with disgust and contempt, yet help pull people out. To help be the RESCUERS!

What are we waiting for? Are we waiting for culture to dictate to us what that should look like? Because they are. Sites like "get it on" is one of thousands that dis-spell truth and wholeness.

It's time...rise and take your place...with love, mercy and kindness that leads people to know the redemptive love of Jesus Christ, who cleans all people of the mud and mire in their life...beginning first with us.

God Embraces

2011-04-05T18:07:00.000-05:00

Who in their right mind would travel 5,000 kilometres to go to a marriage conference? Maybe putting it another way, who would travel 5,000 kilometres to the middle of West Texas to attend a marriage conference dealing specifically with the issue of same gender attraction?

This was one question posed to the group of nearly 160 participants who were in attendance. Participants who had travelled from across the Nation of the US as well couples flying in from Canada and the Philippines.

We did! This was our third year in attendance of the CrossPower Ministries Marriage Conference held in Midland Texas at Stonegate Fellowship. We know full well the impact that this marriage conference has had on our marriage and has given us many tools to use as we relate to one another as husband and wife. Though this conference is put on for couples who either the husband or wife (or both) struggle with same gender attraction, this marriage conference is also impacting the mentor couples that do not struggle who come down with the participants, as well, for the countless volunteers who served us.

The moment you arrive, you are served. You are served by an incredible spirit of love and humility. For those who volunteer from Stonegate, the participants are a symbol of what God can and will do in marriages submitted to Him. The lead pastor of Stonegate Fellowship made the comment addressed to the congregation on the Sunday following the conference, “who of you would travel countless miles to attend a conference primarily focused on your struggle? Who of you would attend a conference dealing with gossip, over eating, lying, envy, pride, lust?” It was one of those moments you just wanted everything to stop, to soak in those words. Truly, how many of us point our fingers or made a judgement or value statement about someone else, while we continue on, feeding our own ways of coping and medicating on our own substance of choice, to make us feel better?

It was humbling again to be surrounded by a community that loved on those of us who often have felt marginalized and fingers pointed at, or words spoken just in ear shot regarding the issues of same gender attraction. Many of these people openly express that even in their lives, they too had once humiliated those struggling with same gender, looked down upon “that issue”, rather than be Christ's hands and feet. I have not seen so many tears shed in one place by so many people humbled by the presence of the Lord, who calls us to love unconditionally, to serve, not expecting anything in return and to show kindness that goes beyond our knowledge of a certain issue.

It encouraged us, blessed us and caused us to also ask ourselves, “Who are we serving? Are there people who we may not understand that Christ is asking us to serve, not expecting anything, but just show love to, regardless?”

Jesus walked on the earth to become a personal God. He came to bind up the broken hearted, set captives free, to look after widows and orphans and to walk along side the outcast. He showed that to us, and calls us to do the same. He went to the cross to take away our shame, to make us all one with him. Sometimes we think that the ground at the cross is uneven and that some people are more accepted to be at the foot of the cross than others. Like Pastors, Missionaries, Leaders, and yet, we are all called to that place at the foot of the cross. We are all called to be there in solidarity towards one another, not with an air of supremacy over another person, rather with a knowledge that Christ invited us all there together for us to walk with one another despite our differences and struggles.

We experienced that at this conference. We got to journey with those who have not struggled with same gender issues, but who have faced many other struggles and issues in their lives and out of meeting with Christ, recognize the need to welcome and embrace those they may not understand.

Personally, it again showed me the picture of God the Father, who welcomes and embraces all of us, through the working of His Son on the cross. This incredible love for all people and once we begin to taste this love that He has for us, it should only instill a greater hunger within us to show this love to others.

May your lives reflect the love of your heavenly Father, who asks you to receive all that He has for you, so in return you may shower that love on others, especially those you may not fully understand.

Freedom

2011-03-16T23:57:00.002-05:00

What happens when the freedom of expression is taken away and the ability to say the uncomfortable is removed, have we moved to robotic responses? Just saying what other people want and or need to hear, so we don't get ourselves into trouble!

Having experienced MUCH inequality and as I sit and reflect where that came from it was surprisingly from the gay community (the diverse one). When I walked away from a gay identity, I lost many friends, I lost a home, I lost finances. Would I do it again? You bet!
And in my walk out, what was I faced with? A label of ex-gay? Straight? gay? Ex ex gay? And I was walking back into the Church…knowing that in that place is where the Lord wanted to bring much healing. But I feared the Body of Christ, because I knew that “this issue” was one we just don’t talk about. I had heard people say… “homosexuality isn’t in our family? It isn’t something that has affected OUR CHURCH!” So we stay clueless of the issue! Hoping above all else that “this issue” stays away from us. Yet, we are all ONE BODY…and regardless of denomination, location, styles of worship, we are one. If just one person struggled with same gender, within the whole body of Christ…it has affected us…and we need to educate ourselves and be aware of our call to minister with truth and grace.

For myself…I began to realize that in as much as everyone was needing me to quickly identify myself, I was in the land of limbo! Sure, I was still attracted to men, but part of my reasoning to say no to a gay identity was that for me, I had experienced God calling me out of that identity. It wasn't a human that told me to do it, rather I heard God speaking to me. In acknowledging this, why would I then say I am still gay? When God said I wasn’t. No matter how I felt or who I was attracted to, I needed the Lord to define who I am. I am His child, His beloved, I am not the worlds child.

I began to see how he created me. I began to see the broken places where my sense of gender had begun to collapse. I came aware of the root issues to why I looked at other men with longing in my eyes.

I am not uncomfortable to say I am a heterosexual man. I am not uncomfortable to say that I still experience same gender attraction. I am not uncomfortable to say that I was once gay identified. But I will make no apology when I say that Christ has made ALL things new, even my sense of gender and my definition of who I am and that I am not gay, that was not his intention for me. I make no apologies when I say this to everyone in the body of Christ. I think we have a tendency to perpetuate this in our cultural and spiritual communities, identifying ourselves with our brokenness and addictions, our gender confusion.

With the freedom of expression I am able to say this is what I believed and this is now what I believe. Liberation however can be quite painful, but I count it all loss, for the gain of Christ.

A Director of a Ministry quoted that “ex gays seek to get rid of their same sex attraction as an expression of their sanctification we perpetuate the systemic inequity that has haunted and exhausted and engendered fear for generations.”

For me, I am not getting rid of my same sex attraction, rather, Jesus Christ is refining and defining me as I continually submit my attractions, my feelings, my sense of identity at the level ground of the cross.

Are we to hold on to the cultural definition of same sex attraction? Or are we to hold on to the eternal perspective of sanctification? There is no inequity, nor haunting that has happened, and if it has, it has happened because of the worlds standards being placed upon the heads of God’s children. When Christ says “I make all things new”, does that just mean certain sin? Does it mean anything but my identity? Or how I or the world labeled myself?

For years I thought that my same sex attraction was so different than any other sin. I thought it was the worst one. Now, if we look at the Church we can say that it was perpetuated by the Churches response to those struggling. For myself, did I receive the best counsel from the body of Christ? Sometimes I did, and sometimes I didn’t. For years, fear dominated the response to those struggling. Fear of saying the wrong things, fear of offending, fear of the issue out of a lack of knowledge of those who are struggling. I would like to believe we have come a long way in our response to those who are struggling, and our response to what is happening culturally all around us.

As I stand looking at what can be viewed as “both sides” of the issue of same sex attraction, I see now a pendulum swing toward the faith community taking a more cultural stand regarding same sex attraction. It’s as if we have lost our voice. We’ve now said, “it’s okay to be gay and Christian, with a sense of validity, and ‘coming out’.
We’ve now perpetuated the ‘fear issue’ within our church communities, especially with those who say ‘it’s not okay!’ Rather than holding to God’s boundary lines for our gender and sexuality, we have crossed the boundaries, expecting God’s blessing, expecting him to just embrace us in our willing disobedience.

As we engage the culture, and engage with those who are in the LGBT faith communities, how much have we lost in order for us to bridge the gap? Jesus was all about speaking life and truth into people’s lives. He was about redemption. He was all about unconditional love, which he showed on the cross of Calvary. He was never about us being complacent in our sin. Just as he showed with the criminal on the cross, who rebuked the other criminal saying “Don’t you fear God? Since you are under the same sentence? We are punished justly, for we are getting what our deeds deserve. But this man has done nothing wrong.” Then he said, “Jesus, remember me when you come into your kingdom.”

I wonder have we lost the fear of God, for the sake of unconditional love? Yes, the gospel is about love, but it is rich with other disciplines and truths that we cannot discount or brush under the rug for the sake of love.

Jesus loved…but never to the place of complacency or validation for sin. I believe Jesus loves those who struggle with same sex attraction and he loves those who are LGBT identified. Jesus loves. He also calls us out of sin and tells us to sin no more. All sin, including homosexuality. That may sound harsh, but it’s the truth. It’s the truth of the gospels. We can’t negate who Jesus was and is. We can’t refute God’s boundary lines which he has drawn for us for our well being.

It’s not God who formed and designed people to be gay or lesbian, bi or transgendered. God never designed his children to walk in this state of gender bending confusion. We have an enemy that comes to kill and destroy, who is the great deceiver of all time.
We may feel as if God created us this way (I know that at one point I too believed that lie) but God has clearly created us to bear his image, male and female he created them. He created us to come together, for us to show the world, who God is, both male and female.
He did not primarily have male and females come together in marriage to procreate. His primary goal was for us to come together in union to show the character of God in the masculine and feminine, walking together. Period. If childbirth comes out of that, it is a blessing and gift.

When my wife and I got married, we realized that we were two whole people coming together to reflect the image of God in how we walk in relationship with each other and to show that to the world around us. We walk in this reflecting, with humility and grace, knowing we are still being perfected and know our weaknesses and dependence on Christ to continue to be enough for us in our areas of lack. We recognize the body of Christ being an important part of our journey. To walk in community means we avail ourselves to others eyes. It’s saying…”please, if you see anything that I am doing that isn’t pleasing to the Lord, call me on it. I want holiness at any cost, and sometimes I can’t see deception and need other people in the body to help.”

So my question in this is “How are we responding to those who say I am a Christian and I am okay with being gay, lesbian, bi or transgendered?” “How are we responding to those who say God made me this way and He loves me?” When we speak a challenging word, who is being offended? Are we not speaking in love when we say “That is not God’s best for you? That God did not create you that way?” I wonder when offense happens, are those who are being deceived not offended with God, rather than our response? For God loves, but never to the point of allowing us to stay where we are at. Jesus came for us to have life and have it in abundance, never for us to stay comfortable in sin.

Part of God’s leading and directing us in response is to first ask Him to search us and know us. Are we speaking out of a heart that is soft to His leadership? He loves us and wants us to respond well.
James 4:6-10
God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble. Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Come near to God and he will come near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded. Grieve, mourn and wail. Change your laughter to mourning and your joy to gloom. Humble yourself before the Lord, and he will lift you up.

I wonder before we respond to those we think we should respond to, are we first washing our hands? Are we allowing our hearts to be purified? Are we single minded?

So what do we do? Where do we go from here? I believe that the Lord is calling the Body of Christ to be educated to learn to grow and mature. HE is not calling us to a complacent life. Rather a radical dependence on Him with all our stuff, first, before we look at someone else and point a finger or speak even one word. What is in your life that you are being challenged with? How is holiness being played out in your life?
Are you complacent in sin? What are you worshipping? What do you turn to before you turn to Jesus? Entertainment? The Culture of today? Porn? Self gratification? Relationships? Work? Family? Food? Your identity? Status? Vacations? Is God enough for you? When there is lack…is He enough?

Lord I thank you that you presence yourself with your people. I believe that you are speaking and challenging us to step out of our comfort zones to pursue you with passion and purity…to hold holiness at all cost.

Lord you say that we are the salt of the earth. Help us Lord to remain salty. Forgive us Lord of our complacency, forgive us when we have allowed fear to keep us silent. When we have hid the light of Christ to others. Help us Lord know what grace and mercy is and season our responses out of your abounding love for us. Take us deeper in your love. Papa God…your love is deeper, higher, and wider than what we can even comprehend and imagine. There is none like you Lord God. Come Lord show us who we are in you, who we are in your love. Help us to love out of our experience of knowing how much you love us first, your sons and daughters. We praise your name. We glorify you, saying your name is Holy, Holy, Holy. Let your kingdom come here…let it fall here in our church community, in our homes, in our families, in our work places, everywhere we walk, would your kingdom come. May your loving will be done, here on earth, just as it is done in heaven.
Lord we thank you for your blessings and your provision. We thank you for all you have given us. WE are grateful for rescuing us, for saving us, for redeeming us. For your washing. Wash us Lord from all the things we do that take our eyes of you. Wash us clean Lord…come wash us…wash our minds, our hearts, our ears, our eyes, our hands, our feet. May there be no place that your water does not clean. Forgive us Lord of all our debts, all the things that we hold against others, all the things we hold against ourselves. Lord forgive us when we have not walked in love. Forgive us when we have used our words as punishment, or when we have spoken out of fear, rather than out of truth and honesty, submitting everything we say to you. Lord forgive us. Help us to forgive others. Help us to be a body that is forgiving and may we be quick to forgive.
We ask Jesus that you would lead us on the path of life. As we walk out your redemption in our lives, help us in our broken area of temptation. Help us to not worship creation, but rather may we worship you…the only one we are to worship. Guard us and hedge us in with your protection against the enemies schemes against us. Deliver us your sons and daughters from anything that we have allowed to come in to our lives that is not pleasing to you. We want to remain faithful to you Lord. We want to be found faithful until the end…until we meet with you.
We love you Lord…and thank you for your grace.

Amen

Just some thoughts...on a Saturday

2011-03-12T00:00:00.002-06:00

So sometimes I get tired of writing about same gender stuff. I get tired of thinking about it and get tired of talking about it. Maybe I even get tired of living it!!

Then I meet a client and share parts of the story that Jesus has written in my life and I get emotional, thinking of what Jesus has actually done in my life. I am in AWE. Seriously. IN AWE.

Who am I that he would think on me? Yet he does...and with passion and an extreme love that I could waste my life trying to figure out. So I bask in it.

Paula and I are sharing our testimony this Sunday. We have written a poetic version of our story and we have continually added to it, and have shared it now on an international scale. We love to share it, as it speaks to the heart, and really speaks of Transforming Love. A love that captures the heart and draws one into a redemptive plan for every aspect of our lives.

The feeling tired could be sleep deprivation. I have a hard time sleeping...and the Doctor actually gave me a massage prescription...for therapy. Hoping that this works. She gave me a list of things to do...on a holistic and to be pro-active. Especially since we have a child under 2...who by the way is A-Dorable. She makes me laugh every day with her antics. She also keeps me busy reading and reading and reading. Today I read her a book with sign language in it and she copied me and it was beautiful. Bright kid! Thank you Lord.

So we enter into a very busy week. Sharing 3 times. Feeling prepared and ready. I am looking forward to the Gender conference on the 19th. Hopefully people actually attend. I wrote a response called freedom...especially geared to those who are gay Christian's who are content and happy being gay...and who actually feel God made them this way.

I won't post in on here yet, but it was challenging to write. Yet timely and applicable to our culture of today, as well for the Christian community. One of the basic points is...

In Church's there can be a view that the issue of same gender isn't in our church, so we don't have to talk about it. It isn't in our family so it doesn't affect us. Yet, we are all one body. Regardless of denomination, location, worship style, size or shape, we are one. It isn't applicable to say it doesn't affect us, if someone in another location is...or the issue has been brought up there. If just one person struggled with same gender...in the whole body of Christ...it affects us and is something we need to learn to talk about and minister out of a position of truth and grace...equally yoked.

So...I am kinda excited about the Freedom speech.

On another note...an equally important one...our hearts and prayers go out to the nation of Japan as it uncovers loss and begins to rebuild and clean up after the devastation. It is heart breaking to see the photos and video footage. Lord Jesus have mercy.

listen

2011-03-06T14:27:00.002-06:00

How do you listen to the word?

Does your heart harden when it hears the word, or does it rejoice, beat more freely, become alive?

We were challenged today with the life lesson at Soul. It caused me to examine my life and see if there were things that I need to let go of. So I can fully be alive in Christ, to mature and to hear His voice through scripture, through wise counsel.

Yep...there always is. I am human. I fall short and often go to things to fill my life rather than go to God to fill me. I begin to walk in my own strength rather than cling to Jesus, my savior and redeemer. I eat too much for comfort sake, I drink to "just feel a buzz", I play that one too many games of Mario Kart, I do one extra Sudoko, rather than open the word. I'll be entertained by a movie...but do I take the time to be entertained by God? To allow him to delight in me. Because He does...He delights in me, if I am aware of it or not. He loves me, allures me, beckons me...and I can either listen or not. I can fill my life with all sorts of things other than him.

This is about denying oneself and taking up the cross. To find balance and meaning in all things...to know when things begins to take more meaning than Jesus, that it's time to repent and refocus on him. He longs to give us the desires of our heart...which doesn't mean we get everything we want, rather, He want us to first desire Him. To long for him and the things of Christ.

So thanks for the timely message Lord!!! The message to again focus on you, and to hear your voice. To listen. To really listen...and pray that my heart continues to become more and more alive, so that seeds fall and bring into being a large crop.

Book Review-

2011-01-16T10:42:00.002-06:00

Turning Controversy into Church Ministry by W.P. Campbell

To be honest, when I signed up to get the book my immediate thought was "How different will this book be compared to the dozen or so books I have already read on the issue of Homosexuality?"
Would there be any different approaches? Would Campbell enlighten me to thinking other thoughts on homosexuality and our call as Christian's to love our neighbor, regardless of who they are?

I was pleasantly surprised with the book, I couldn't put it down and ear marked a couple dozen pages. I will read the book again.

The introduction gives us a framework as to how to position ourselves as we read the book.

"This book is an expedition into the world of vital facts and human factors set against the landscape of God's revelation. I unapologetically fasten scripture as a frame around this portrait. The contrasting colors of the law and the gospel, grace and instruction, truth and love must be blended if we are to understand God's mind and God's heart." C.W. Campell page 17 TCCM

Part 1 Analysis: Your Church, Christ's Body

I particularly like the analogies that Campbell uses to draw us into the water of this particular issue. He describes the body of Christ in various aspects of thought and experience and uses the Feet, heart and head as ways to understand where we may be at in the journey of ministry to those who struggle with same gender issues. We are asked to look at our Church, as the body of Christ and evaluate to some degree where we are at? It is not merely an "us" verses "them" idea, but rather we are asked to first look at ourselves to see where we are at. To recognize our own broken places before we look at others.

"The leaders we need are not those who give in to their weaknesses, but those who humbly trust God for the strength to be obedient. Jesus told us we would need to deny ourselves and take up our crosses if we are to be his disciples (Matthew 16:24). In the realm of sexuality, leaders in the church must model faithfulness to God's creative norm, despite struggles they may face as singles who never find mates or as persons locked into marriages that for physiological or psychological reasons preclude sexual expression. Jesus Christ, who was never sexually active, enables us to find deep intimacy and fulfillment in relationships, even when sexual expression must be curtailed. The Bible showcases singleness, along with marriage, as a holy calling from God (Matthew 19:10-12, 27-30; 1 Corinthians7).
Quote TCCM page 49

Part 2 Approach: Overcoming Controversy

Here we look at Creation and Science, Standards and Psychology, Compassion and the Church.

This section of the book, I would consider the meat of the book. It is well worth it to read this section over and over again. Campbell packs quite a bit of information in this section and delves into science, APA, Theology, Interpretation, holiness, grace, truth. Each chapter we begin with a controversy...and throughout the chapter we are asked to visit that controversy...where are we on the continuum of thought regarding homosexuality? Campbell gives us understanding to various thoughts on the issue of homosexuality and then in a sense gives us a challenge in the benediction (closing paragraphs of each chapter), calling us to look at ourselves first.

"Every time I meet a person who suffers from addiction, I realize this could have been me. The person who carries the wounds of past abuse could have been me. By the grace of God I am still "on the wagon," and it is only grace that will keep me there. I want to extend the same grace to everyone I meet, remembering that where sin is abundant, God's grace is more abundant (Romans 5:20).
quote TCCM page 133.

Part 3 Action Building Ministry
Foundation: What every church needs
Structure: Your Unique Ministry

This section is talking about the blueprint of ministry, and talks about various church sizes and structures. Campbell shows us specifically a sphere showing us a good structure to follow regarding ministry, and then delves into bringing us to understand the vital role that each of the 6 areas are to ministry.

I liked how Campbell used the story of Nehemiah and the walls around a city, to focus me as I read this section of the book. It allowed me to think about the strategies that God has given us as examples to use for any ministry.

I think this section allows us to look at what structures we may have in place, and what we may be lacking in our ministries and church communities, and the reminder to place prayer as the foundation and motivation to do any type of ministry. As I read this section, I kept thinking..."this is so good, my pastor needs to read this."

"This book has offered rationale, testimonies, models, and guidelines for ministry. Now it's up to you. If you doubt the great purpose God has for your church, please reread the first half of Ephesians, pause at the end of chapter 3, take a deep breath, and look at the end of chapter 4 once again. The love of God is wide enough to reach all kinds of people, long enough to keep your church on track through time, high enough to change any life, and deep enough to heal every wounded heart."
quote TCCM page 218

The provides the reader with questions for each chapter making this book a great resource for those who may be leading a small group and want to delve deeper into the understanding of same gender attraction/homosexuality and the call to offer hope, grace, truth and much love to those who are our neighbor.

I highly recommend this book. It is concise, and offers a lot of initial insight for everyone in the body of Christ. It isn't an indepth theological, psychological, or scientific book, but offers a person whoever it is to gain a better perspective on the Christlike response to homosexuality. In our culture today, none of us is called to remain naive regarding the issue of homosexuality, we are called to be well informed and equipped to love like Jesus.

As someone who has struggled with same gender attraction, who was once gay identified, I found this book to be sensitive, loving, but unapologetic in terms of theological truth.

Bill...thank you for the work it took to compile this book and the years you have given to research and understand homosexuality. Thank you for your heart to love others well and recognize that we have all fallen short...and need Jesus.
This is a great resource that I highly recommend.

Kenny Warkentin
Resource Outreach/Programs Coordinator
Living Waters Canada-Central Region
Exodus Canadian Rep.

A little yeast

2011-01-04T00:19:00.000-06:00

You were running well; who prevented you from obeying the truth? Such persuasion does not come from the one who calls you. A little yeast leavens the whole batch of dough. Galatians 5:7-9

This past year, I have really been thinking a lot about these verses. It has come to mind on more than one occasion and so I have been mediating on what a little yeast can do. In context the yeast is sin and the dough is the body of Christ. Having worked as a baker for a few years, I know this analogy. It is true how yeast works it's way through the whole batch of dough. It doesn't just stay in one part of the dough, but expands, multiplies and goes throughout the whole batch. It begins to bubble and air pockets form and the whole loaf rises. It also begins to smell yeasty, a smell that doesn't go away until you bake the bread.

As I look at my own life, I can see how discipleship/community played a key role in my journey with Christ. As I walked in community with others, specifically as I welcomed discipleship, it allowed others to know me, and to ask me hard questions and it allowed others to speak life to me. It also allowed for the calling of sin in ones life. We need each other. When we decide to do life on our own and refuse discipleship we can begin to stumble and fall and we may begin to bend scripture and believe things to be untrue.

I remember when I began to slip. It was kind of easy. I began reading publications that believed that homosexuality was okay. That the Biblical understanding was translated wrong, that context was wrong, that the word of God was not relevant to today's living. Basically, I began looking for other ideas, other than the word of God to validate my same gender attraction. I slowly began moving away from the faith community and began hanging out with those with a more liberal faith, who said to me “God made you this way”. It validated my feelings and so who was I to believe. It felt good. It was no longer a challenge or a hardship to believe that God made me this way. I allowed the yeast to work it's way into my life. It began to fester and bubble, and it began to smell. I had a different aroma now. An aroma of independence, an aroma of anger, being gay was it and no one was going to tell me different. You could say I was being discipled but instead of Godly discipleship, I was allowing the world and liberal theologians to sway me from the truth of who I really was and who God created me to be.

When I look back, I wish that people would have had the courage and love to talk with me about my decisions. Maybe I was already too hardened to listen but maybe something could have been said to me that would have triggered a repentant heart.
Knowing what I know now, and having walked this journey out. I have come to a place of knowing who God really created me to be, a man created to worship the one true God, created in His image, not created as a mistake, rather one with gifts and qualities that are continually being redeemed and restored by submitting my whole life to God and in the community of others. I recognize that I need others and I need accountability and discipleship.

If I have a friend who I see is beginning to believe lies or is living in a way that may harm himself or others, I love him/her enough to talk with them. A little yeast in my friends life not only affects them but also affects me and those around us. When I allowed the yeast of identifying myself as gay to fester, it affected a lot of people around me. It spread to my family, my friends and my church community. So I love my friends enough to say something. Not in a condemning or self righteous attitude, but rather one with humility and love. I've been there, done that and know the importance of walking with one another in community. It doesn't always feel good, but in the end it is of value and worth to you and those around you.

Righteousness of Christ

2010-12-15T23:11:00.002-06:00

My friend Sarah wrote this on my previous blog post and I wanted to quote her as this comes timely with a few conversations that I have had today...

"That's the argument of so many people, this feels natural, therefore this is the way to go and anything else is denying myself .. well .. hello .. we're actually called to deny self to follow Christ. Following Christ is not natural because sin is natural... living by our fleshly desires is what comes natural."

We are born into sin...and thus we struggle with sin issues...period! Those of us who are enlightened by the saving grace of Jesus Christ begin the whole process of refining and redefinition of who we are and who we are called to be.

Paula and I talked today about righteousness and the fact that we will be persecuted as followers of Christ. We will be ridiculed and laughed at, scorned and mocked because of our belief system. Sure, we could bend scripture or interpret it so that people would feel more comfortable, yet, who are we fooling? Are we fooling ourselves or are we fooling the one created God, who designed us and inspired man to write holy scripture. We talked about the church...each one of us and our call to holiness...not necessarily happiness. If it was for happiness sake...then I probably wouldn't be married to Paula (don't get me wrong...I LOVE HER...and would shout that on any roof top...and she has brought me MUCH joy and happiness), but what I am getting at is the fact that with happiness...we do things to appease ourselves, rather than deny ourselves.
Is it easier to blow up with anger at someone...yelling and screaming at them...
is it easier to just give in to that flirtatious advance and have an affair...
is it easier to masturbate...
is it easier to get drunk...
is it easier to tune out and just watch TV/get caught up in entertainment...
is it easier to lose ourselves in anther person...
is it easier to just identify ourselves as LGBTTQ...
is it easier to smoke up...
is it easier to just think of ourselves rather than the poor that live among us...
is it easier to just divorce rather than learn through the hard process of forgiveness, the beautiful gift of reconciliation.
These are just a few examples that I have been thinking about in regards to our walk with Christ.
I fail often. I think of how many times in my struggle with depression that I just go to the TV and watch...and before I know it, the whole evening is gone and I have not once asked the Lord in to help. I think of times when I want my own way, or think my way is more right than Paula's, rather than looking at what really is the issue and that is my own sin.

I love the church, because we/I are the church. I know that Jesus is coming back, and I want to live fully for him, sold out, refined and washed, cleansed and continually made more whole than the day before...but that takes work and that takes an attitude of denying oneself and submit it all to Jesus, the author and perfector of our faith.

Could I be so bold as to say, before those who are not yet enlightened can become enlightened the Church...each one of us...needs to fully look at ourselves, asking the holy spirit to examine us...ALL THE TIME, to see if there be any wickedness in us, to walk in full obediance...to take the hard road, rather than the easy way out, so that people can see Christ. Because as we take that hard road, we experience an extrememly loving and extravagant Father who is always wanting to lavish His love on that which He delights in...His precious sons and daughters. We walk the road of holiness, aiming for the prize set before us...and experience joy and peace and contentment in our walk of FULL submission before Him...our creator.

Lord have your way...in me today.

Rest

2010-12-15T00:08:00.003-06:00

How many times does God beckon us to find rest in Him? Or are we too busy or pre-occupied with our own lives to not hear His voice, not taking the opportunity that God our Papa is calling us to.

Today, God totally spoke to me while holding my daughter who just turned one. She was feeling under the weather and was clearly tired and fighting sleep. She was easily brought to tears, everything seemed to cause her discomfort. I recognized this and picked her up and brought her to her room. I pointed to her bed and said it was time for a nap. She looked at her bed, pointed to it and turned her head and began to cry. I could sense that she wanted desperately to fall asleep but was having a hard time calming down. So I held her in my arms, spoke gently to her, softly, reassuring her that Daddy loved her and that she was special, and that I knew she was not feeling well, and that a nap would make her feel better.
She sat in my lap, facing me, arms outstretched and her wee hands on my chest, keeping herself from putting her head on my shoulder. Yet, her little head bobbed back and forth as her eyes slowly closed and opened. My voice continuing to speak softly to her, telling her I knew how she felt, that she could put her head on my shoulder. She continued to fall asleep in that position, until finally she put her arms down, laid her head on my shoulder, let out a wimper and closed her eyes and fell fast asleep. Continuing to tell her I loved her, as I patted her back and stroked her head. I love her so much, and feel for her when she isn't feeling well. As she fell asleep, God spoke through the experience.
I felt as if God was saying, "how often do you do this with me? When you are so exausted and tired, yet you continue to try to please yourself, do it yourself, comfort yourself? When I am speaking love to you, speaking affirmation and beckoning you to just put your head down on my chest and find your rest in me?"

I began to cry, knowing all to well the areas in my own life where I refuse to go to God first. When I know my Papa is tenderly calling my name, saying "Kenny, my son, I love you so much, you'll be okay, I know you'll feel better here with me."

I remember when I was so consummed with getting my legitimate needs met through same gender sexual encounters. When I was so focused on my rights, my desires, my thoughts as a gay man, rather than handing it all over to God, allowing Him to define me, to heal me, to speak to me and to give me much needed rest. When God spoke to me in the wilderness, He affirmed me, called me out of a gay identity, into His healing hands and told me, He would be enough for me. At that moment, I placed everything in His hands. It has been an incredible journey, one that I continue to be on. God my Papa is continually reminding me of the importance of finding my rest in Him. I can easily become busy, busy as a husband, as a father, as an employee, as a musician, artist...the list could continue, yet God continues to call me, speak to me and ask that I find my rest in Him alone and out of that I find my strength to carry on.

From Captivity to Community

2010-12-01T21:39:00.003-06:00

I just attended a conference in Wisconsin called Exodus International Regional Conference. It was a great time to connect with people who have been impacted in some way with same gender attraction. Some people came because of a spouse struggling with gender identity; some came to understand their friends or relatives who identify as gay. Most of the people who graced the conference, however, struggle themselves with same gender attraction. They have realized that fixing themselves is impossible and they are desperate to find healing and understanding of why they struggle. In that desperation they long to find a safe community.

On Sunday, people shared how the weekend had impacted them. A few people said they were scared to come. "What if I am attracted to someone?" "What happens if someone finds me attractive?" One man stood up and said, "It's like saying to an alcoholic, to find your healing you need to go to a bar and be faced with your temptation." Yet that is the very thing that someone who has a disconnect with his/her gender needs to do. When you struggle with same gender attraction, often you feel that you need to get away from that which tempts you-your own gender. Yet that is the very place you find your greatest healing. These men and women faced real fear to come to the conference in search of an accepting community.

I heard heart-wrenching stories that weekend. Many who struggle with same gender attraction have been rejected within their church communities because people are worried about inappropriate attraction. Men and women who struggle with same gender attraction are often tempted by their own genders, but those relationships are also the place where they find the greatest healing.

A Safe Place to Heal:

In my own journey out of a gay paradigm, I realized that in order to heal I had to be known and know other men in healthy ways. I couldn't allow my fear to dictate how I related to them. I had to step out into an unknown place, first with an utter dependence on God, my source of strength. Without that, I had no foundation. I had to have men who took the risk to be my friend. Who shared their own journey into manhood and their own struggles, allowing me to see that I am not as "different" as I had always assumed I was. I needed men to give me physical touch. To be unafraid to offer a hug, to embrace me as a brother, pure, healthy and whole. When I left the gay identity, I was walking away from a lot of physical touch. Physical touch that I needed - and it is a legitimate need - but it was found in unhealthy ways and outside the boundary lines of God's intent for me.

I am always encouraged as I attend conferences such as this where people know their need, face their fears and know that they are in a safe community. Sadly, this is often not found in their own communities of faith. More often, they feel pressure to be something they are not. To hide their struggle. This goes even beyond someone who struggles with their gender, but also with parents who have gay or lesbian children, or spouses of those who struggle. They fear judgement on who they are. This keeps them bound in secret and held captive by the enemy.

We all need each other. We need authentic, safe places to walk out our healing and face every issue that life may spring on us. If we don't find that authentic community within the Body of Christ, we will find it outside of that. We will find that in the arms of culture who will embrace our false identities, who will validate our anger, our unforgiveness, and our own ways of getting our needs met. May God give us the strength to rise up and take our place as safe and honest healing communities.

Hope Within

2010-11-26T00:08:00.004-06:00

Always be ready to share the hope that is within you...

Hope.

Do we have hope? Today, I left work and felt hopeless. I wondered,why am I bothering to work in a ministry that deals with so much hard stuff. Basically I get to hear the stories that others within the body of Christ do not get to hear. Today, I thought, this is just too much...and yet, good things happened today. Lives were touched by Jesus today...in the midst of hard stuff being shared.

Hope? I still have hope...but it seems it is getting harder and harder within our culture. It is way easier to accept easy answers in life. It's easier to just keep looking at porn...
it's easier to keep masturbating...
it's easier to keep sleeping with your boy/girl friend...
it's easier to just accept yourself as gay or lesbian...
it's easier to leave your spouse...
it's easier to keep drinking...
it's easier to keep getting angry...
it's easier to keep shopping......and we forget.

We forget those around us that love us...those who want the best for us. We tune them out to follow our own desires and feelings because deep down...it's easy.
Because in going the easy way, we can keep numbing the deeper issues. Maybe it's shame, a deep sense of aloneness, rejection, fear, low self esteem. Maybe we've been so abused that we can't even think of going there. We cope with the easy way. Maybe it's because we lose sight of community and the importance of walking in discipleship with one another. Maybe we lose sight of hope...maybe we don't hear enough stories of hope?

I have read a lot of columns, books, blogs and surprisingly more christian's who are taking the easy way regarding same gender attraction. As a culture and society, it is way more accepted and please hear me, if you are struggling with same gender attraction or you are identified as gay and lesbian, you should feel valued, respected and treated with dignity...regardless of how you are living your life.

I went to a seminar and saw a film that was put out by the gay christian network last week. It felt hopeless! Not hope-filled. I was hearing people share their feelings, their experiences, and their joy as they embraced themselves with the descriptive label of gay and lesbian...and then the film stopped.

As this topic continues to be brought up in society, the fear that I have had for years is that we are moving to a time when we are no longer able to say anything that offends someone within the church. That we can no longer call sin...sin, because it goes against someone's identity. In a sense it is silencing hope. The hope of Jesus Christ who transforms lives. Who makes all things new. But it takes work, discipline and sometimes it takes a daily giving up on things that are not the best for us. I came to realize that being gay was not the best that God had for me. He had something far more precious...and it turned out that it really wasn't about me anyway. It was about Him. My Father God...who's image I carry as I live out my days on earth.

I have talked about this in length as someone who has walked specifically out of a gay identity into the transforming work of Jesus Christ, who loved me enough to not let me stay in that identity. Was it hard work? Very! Was it worth it? Very much so! Would I do it all over again? YES! Do I still struggle? Yes...I will continue to as Christ refines me...until He finishes the good work that he started. He will bring it to completion...when I see him face to face. When HE says well done good and faithful servant.

Stand firm then...in the hope that lies within...the hope of transformation. In the last days there will be a great falling away...there will be false prophets who will come and many will fall prey to false doctrine...the messages will sound great...yet scripture will be misquoted, Jesus will be misrespresented...and we will be welcomed to please our fleshly desires...(those falling away will be those within the church...those of faith).

So get to know your Bible...eat it! Breath it! Listen to God speak! See if it lines up with his word. If you hear something and it doesn't line up to scripture...it is probably not from God. I hear people say...God said he's okay with me being gay or lesbian...and that is a lie, it doesn't line up to scripture, and it doesn't line up with the Bible contextually. What is true is that He loves you...period, but the holy Trinity is not okay with sin.

Find hope...there is hope. Run to it...and make it your friend. Rise up and take your place and let hope find a home in your heart and mind.

Through My eys...thoughts on the documentary

2010-11-21T01:12:00.003-06:00

Through my eyes:

A documentary of individuals who have come to understand their gay or lesbian identity. They share their experience within the church community and their struggle prior to embracing themselves as gay and lesbian Christians.

My heart went out to the individuals sharing their stories of how friends and the church reacted to them when they inwardly struggled with their feelings, and how they reacted when they outwardly embraced their gay and lesbian identity.

I too experienced that within my years of inwardly struggling with my same gender attraction. Silently praying and pleading with God to take away these feelings. Crying out to him…endless prayers and petitions. Saying I would be a good Christian if only I did not have these feelings. I told God that I would do anything for Him if he took ‘it’ away. Since the age of 10…till I was 29, I struggled. The last few years of that struggle, I opened up and began to share the issue with others and sought help. I received good support in certain areas, but I thought the feelings would go away…why didn’t they?
I was in a healing community…what was wrong with me?

I could sympathize with each person…and yet…what was missing? Was it the environment that the movie was played in? Was it the people in the audience? Was it the facilitator? Was it just because I was at a different place that it somehow, felt hopeless and sad? Was it because at the end…there really was no hope? They had found hope in embracing their gay and lesbian identity, but is that hope?

I wondered and began to ponder?

Are we cheapening grace when we welcome people to stay in their captivity? I realize that someone who is identified as a Christian gay or lesbian no longer views themselves as being held in captivity but, as someone who holds a traditional Biblical Sexual Ethic does this make me unloving and unkind to say they are still in captivity? Jesus loved radically. I heard many times this week that Jesus walked in the market place, he ate with tax collectors, prostitutes…the down and out…those called ‘sinners’, if we use that analogy when we talk about Christian gay and lesbian people we are placing them in the same category as those called ‘sinners’, and Jesus never ate and walked with people so they could stay in the same place in their sin…he walked with them so they could rise out of that and live in the fullness of who He had desired for them from the beginning.

We cheapen Jesus’ love when we water down truth. Jesus isn’t this hippy love guru, who said only nice lovely things about love…and only challenged the religious leaders. He challenged all of us. He does not define us by our unmet needs, our brokenness, or even the ways we label ourselves in sin. He calls us out of that, into generous spaciousness with wonderful, healthy, safe boundaries for our good.

Having walked out of the struggle when I was 29…into the arms of the gay community (and yes, there is a gay community out there). I hung up all the guilt…and lived gay identified for 8 years and partnered for most of the 8 years. I walked out of the boundary lines that God has given his children to walk in for our good. I was angry at the church, and to those who spoke negative comments…about me…within hearing. So those were the last people I would associate with. Hmmm, yet God had other plans. God brought two people into my life who were in relationship with me. Both of them Christian. I find it interesting that we did not talk about God a lot but rather talked about our lives.

I was an activist. I wanted to change people’s minds. I wanted them to stop saying I was going to hell. I wanted them to stop saying that homosexuality was a sin. I read small booklets on what the Bible really says about homosexuality…and to my surprise…I was told those verses were taken out of context…and because man wrote the words, they interpreted it all wrong. Wow. I couldn’t believe it. Finally it was true. Yet…it still didn’t add up for me. I still could not believe that those verses did not mean exactly what they said. It did not make sense to what the rest of the Bible said about marriage, or how God created us as distinct genders. So I hung up the Bible too. Away, so I wouldn’t have to think about that. I prayed, I did good things, I tried to be a good person…and when I wasn’t I asked for forgiveness.

The last year of my partnership our relationship wasn’t going all that well and I had grown in who I was as a person, as a man, and I realized that this wasn’t healthy for me. That the relationship that I was in wasn’t good. So I broke it off. For me that took courage and guts. I began to work out how my life would look and what I would do. My plans were to begin again. Get a condo, keep working, maybe begin dating and life would continue on.

When we step out of the boundary lines of God’s design for our sexuality and who we are as gendered men and women, we invite distortion into our lives. We begin to be deceived by the world’s view of homosexuality and we believe that we are finally being true to ourselves when really we are being lied to and deceived. The enemy comes to kill and destroy and he is like a thief in the night…quick and silent.

I had silently and quickly slipped into the gay identity yet, God is the author and finisher of my faith…and He always has the last word. Not because He is controlling and unloving, rather He is our Father…who is kind, loving, a Father who painfully lets us go our own way.

God spoke to my mom in a real and powerful way one day. It didn’t impact me until later but she heard the holy spirit speak to her and tell me one day that I did not have to go back to Egypt. I was thinking this meant my ex partner…so I continued to make my own plans.

I know the plans I have for you…plans that are for your good! His plans for me. Not my plans for myself. Whenever we leave God out of our plans…and I mean, laying down our sinfulness and then ask Him…What are you plans for me God?...we enter into being our own god.

A few weeks later, I was out for a run. Troubled by legal issues regarding our separation and the dividing of the property…I called out to God and just said…I could use some help here, if you are there, I need you.
I heard God say to me immediately… “You do not have to go back to Egypt!”
I knew at that moment, that God meant my gay identity.

Do we wait for our lives to hit rock bottom before we need God? Do we become so successful that we do not hear him? Do we ever allow God to evaluate our lives in every area? Are we willing to lay down our gay or lesbian label at the cross of Christ? Does God really affirm us in our gay and lesbian identities?

God did not affirm me in my attempts to be my own god as I lived gay identified. I spit in God’s face. I cheapened His creation. I changed the Bible to suit my needs. I read the Bible with bias and could not allow the holy spirit to convict me of that sin.

I walked out of the wilderness…still same gender attracted. WHAT!!!! Not totally healed? Free of the attraction?
Nope. That was never God’s intent. I had to come to a place of understanding why I felt this way and I had to submit this to the Lord and begin to walk in relationship with others…of both genders. I had to begin to stop lusting after my own gender. I had to begin to love myself, and learn about who I was really created to be.

This weekend, someone labeled me as being in a mixed orientation marriage. I was offended by that. I do not label myself by my issues in my life. Do I still have same gender thoughts? Yes, but they are submitted to the cross of Jesus, nailed there, not being held by me, rather Jesus holds the issue. For I am dependant on Him, to be my strength when I am weak. For when I am weak, He makes me strong.

Being married to a woman, has been one of the greatest gifts I could ever imagine. I can’t imagine life without her. She is my best friend, my lover, my companion, my partner, and she is Christ to me and I to her. Her femininity welcomes my masculinity. As I take initiative, she is able to receive and we walk life out in love and respect, honor and trust.

Both my wife and I are not defined by our struggles or our weaknesses. I do not label myself gay…just because I have a feeling every once and a while. We are born again…washed clean, set on a new course. My label comes from Christ who bore my sin and shame. My label comes from my heavenly Father who calls me his beloved son…whom he is well pleased with. To call myself a gay man would call God my father a liar. He deserves much more glory and honor than that.

In all of this reflection over the movie. My hope is that each person in this movie would come to the full knowledge of God’s plans for them. To bring them into the fullness of their true identities.

Holiness...and unconditional love

2010-08-05T18:01:00.001-05:00

This is in response to someone’s blog…talking about the sting of death

If I look back on my experiences within the Church community, especially as I first struggled with same gender attraction, I felt as if I was a leper, that I was actually untouchable. People could talk about anything else but my "struggle". I think if they had the courage to actually talk about homosexuality as not just the taboo sin, but just sin and had the courage to learn to engage a community to talk about the issues of homosexuality, things may have turned out differently for me as well as countless other men who I knew personally who also struggled with same gender attraction.

Having walked out this journey for over 20 years (struggled with ssa, then embraced a gay identity, and now having walked out of that identity), I feel for those who spoke out against homosexuality out of their limited knowledge of the struggle itself. Today, I do not feel angry or hurt because of my experiences, rather I feel deeply for any person who may have perceived hate from a message due to their own internal struggle with gender confusion. I also feel deeply toward pastors/leaders who spoke out against homosexuality not because they hated those who struggled with the issue, rather they loved them, and in their own way, tried to get the message out that God had something better for those struggling. I believe that no matter what the issue, most people have felt offended by God’s holy call on our lives as Christ Followers. When we struggle and feel as if a person just doesn’t understand us or the issue, do we internalize that as hate, take offense and then walk away justified? Or do we walk that out in a way pleasing to the Lord. Going to him with our hurt, allowing him to heal our wounds, but also going to the person who we felt offended by and working through a process of reconciliation and redemption.

When we hear someone speak and they talk about holiness and godly fear, so we see that as constraining or do we see that as good. Sometimes I sense that we have to throw away fear and holiness in order to justify certain behaviors, specifically in terms of theologically sound teaching. If I make a statement that linked homosexuality with Sodom and Gomorrah as God’s wrath toward the sin of homosexuality, I may experience hate mail, I would be pronounced a homophobe, and yet when I do more research and cross reference other scripture regarding Sodom and Gomorrah, I find that I have to make a stand and that comes from good sound theology. Jude 7 references the judgment to the sexual perversion of every kind and given the cultural milieu of that time, that would have included homosexuality. (note that I said included homosexuality…it linked all sexual sin).

For myself, I walk many years with the thinking that I was condemned to hell because of my struggle. I eventually had to walk away from my faith, because ultimately God hated me somehow. That he made a huge mistake with my life and really didn’t care for me. I hated the Sodom and Gomorrah linkage to any term of my struggle. I hated when others used that term. (To be honest it still makes me cringe when I hear someone just spew it out as a judgment statement when there is no explanation given).

Now I say this not as condemnation for those who are struggling with same gender issues, or even to those who are gay identified. I believe that God loves all people. Yet as we are enlightened and come to know our identity in God our Father through Jesus Christ, I believe God calls us into a higher standard of holiness and we should have a healthy fear of sin in our lives. For myself, I do not want to become complacent and comfortable with sin in my life. As Jesus felt deep inner rage (he actually uttered a response when he heard of Lazarus’ death) could we not feel that same feeling toward sin in our lives and the sin in the lives of others? If death is equated to sin throughout the bible could this parallel how Jesus felt toward sin/death? I have a close friend who is struggling with issues. I love him beyond compare. I have offered that he live with us, I have wept deeply for him and where he is at, because he is believing lies about himself, and to put it straight, he is caught in the grips of sin issues and he can’t see past that. I feel angry sometimes not at him, but at the enemy that wars at his soul, and enemy that is killing him. I would do anything for him. I see Jesus who did the same for Lazarus. He did the ultimate and raised him from the dead. Then he addressed the crowd to unbind him. Could this be a picture of rage against sin, calling someone to life and into the redeeming work of Jesus and then unbinding the person, ministering truth and love?

I wonder sometimes as we build bridges, how often we fear making a comment because someone may be offended. But in fearing making a statement, we are actually helping to keep someone in bondage to death.

For myself, I had people who walked the journey with me. Some understood the issues that I faced and some didn’t, yet they still walked with me. They still offered soothing balm to my wounds of death. There were men and women who in this journey out of a gay identity, spoke encouraging words, but also words that made me think. Words of challenge and sometimes they were hard words, especially when they saw me walking in a way that wasn’t life (when they saw me sinning). For me, my community challenged me to radical holiness. A holiness that feared the Lord of ALL creation and that fear was there because I knew the radical LOVE of my Papa God. The core gospel is unconditional love, God loves us despite ourselves. He unconditionally loves us because we were designed and created to worship Him and Him alone. He loves us because he knew us and imagined us even before we were even thought about here on earth. He knit us together, formed us in our mothers womb. Yes, it’s about unconditional love. What is the definition though of that unconditional love throughout the gospels?

As a daddy now, I see my daughter and I LOVE her with my whole being. If I saw her walking in danger I would tell her. I think I would probably shout it out, because I don’t want her to get hurt. She may not understand or she may feel as if I don’t love her, yet I do it because I love her. I have come to see God my Papa the same way. He loves me with a radical love, one that doesn’t always feel good, and yet he is the one calling me out. He is the one who shouts my name, because he doesn’t want me to get hurt. Our God of unconditional love disciplines us out of that radical love. Only because Jesus went to the place designed for our sin…which was death!

So maybe death is always supposed to be close to us, and maybe it’s something we should fear not just for ourselves but for others. I think we may have a greater sense of the physical death, but do we really understand death to the degree we should as Christ Followers? Do we understand the depths of the unconditional, radical love of God? An understanding so rich in love that we can’t help but fear the Lord, and speak boldly of His call of holiness on our lives.

Are we willing?

2010-08-03T13:39:00.002-05:00

The other day my wife and I were talking about gender identity and how to support those who continue to connect with us.

A statement that we often hear is “I do not feel safe to talk about my struggle at my Church” or “they don’t understand my issue”.

Interestingly enough those statements resounded in my own heart as comments that I had used years earlier in my struggle with same gender attraction. I hide within the confines of those statements in fear that I would be rejected and tossed out of the Church, or worse, that those in the Church would just ignore me. Sadly, my experience was one of just ignoring the issue. I did talk about it and explain to my pastors that this is what I was dealing with. They referred me to a counselor and then not another word was spoken regarding my struggle. No one asked how I was doing or journeyed through the hard stuff with me.

For years, I held that against the Church. How could they reject me in such a way, shun me with silence. The very thing that I needed to talk about was held in the quiet confines of “he appears to be doing better”, “the counselor will handle this situation”. I began viewing the whole body of Christ through that experience. That the Church would not get this issue, nor would they be willing to walk with me or anyone else in a redemptive way.

I have walked in a season of forgiveness. Both for those who rejected me, but also for my own sinful responses. After my wife and I talked, I sat and meditated on how the Lord has moved in my life and redeemed my sexual identity. I meditated on Jesus. How he was rejected and I felt as if the Lord was giving me new statements to think about.

For those struggling with same gender attraction who are afraid of the reactions from those in the Church, are you willing to be open regardless of what people will say or do? Are you willing to talk, even if you are faced with a brick wall of a non response? Are you afraid that you will be rejected?

Maybe I should say, are you WILLING to be rejected? Are you willing to be misunderstood? Are you willing to press on despite what others will say?

I felt as if I heard Christ say that he was willing to be misunderstood, rejected and he pressed on despite what others said about him. Often times I have heard and I have even shared how I felt as if no one understands the struggle I face and yet Christ knew it first hand. He felt everything that I felt. Why did he feel the same things? He felt it so that I would know that he understands me, even when the world doesn’t. He did it all for me, for us. As Christ hung from the cross he spoke, “My God, My God, why have you forsaken me?” Was Christ saying this so that we could better grasp that even he felt forsaken? Did Christ feel alone on the cross, did he experience silence from God his father? How often in my journey with same gender attraction did I feel as if God was silent? When I prayed for him to take away the desires and nothing happened and I felt forsaken, yet God was intimately listening and speaking to me, I just didn’t understand his voice. Even as Christ felt forsaken, he continued his journey on the cross. He was willing to not give in and conform to the cultural influences of his day.

As humans we can aspire to be Christ like (we will never be Christ), and emulate a life that is similar to how Christ lived and breathed. As we seek to be “Christ like” are we willing to not give in to the pressures to conform to the cultural definition of sexuality that says you’re just born this way and you cannot change? Will we believe the lie that Christ cannot redeem our sexual identity rather he embraces us as lesbian, gay, bi-sexual, transgendered people? Will you believe that Christ’s power is inefficient to do it? Or will you believe that in Christ, all things are possible for those who believe? Will you trust a Father who is willing to do whatever it takes to draw you unto himself, so that you would worship Him and Him alone?

Are you willing to press on despite those who do not understand? Who may reject you and say you are foolish and not being true to the real you? For as I see it, just as I was afraid to share about my struggle with same gender attraction while in the body of Christ, there are now people who are just as afraid to step back into the journey out of homosexuality because of what the world around them is saying. I believe the Lord is asking each individual if they are willing to take a step and see what he, the redeemer of all things can and will do, if we would only take the first step.

Writing

2010-07-18T00:16:00.003-05:00

So, I am looking back and revisiting my posts. Reading and digesting what I wrote so I can write again. What I found interesting is the people that I have grown in relationship with because of My Journey Out. To each of you...and you know who you are, you encouraged me along the path, and you applauded as well and cheered me along. Throughout some pretty tough situations, all I can say is thank you. Thank you for being Christ, for walking the transparent life with me.

May the Lord bless and keep each one of you and may His face shine upon you and give you peace.

Much Love

Kenny

p.s. I am planning on posting...again soon.

Do you find your rest in God's dwelling place?

Wonder

2010-05-10T00:08:00.003-05:00

I wonder sometimes if I make life more complicated than I should.

Clearly, my relationship with Jesus is the most important thing in my life. I want to know him, experience him and walk in a good relationship with him. Yet, I strive so hard for him to accept me and love me.

Today at Church, I was reminded of something that struck a chord in my life. When I was a teenager, my biggest dream was to be a great designer, a hair stylist and make up artist. It was a dream. I wondered why I was so fixated with celebrities, especially with what they wore and after an event like the Academy Awards, I would retreat to my room and draw endless designs of gorgeous gowns. As I grew, I entertained the idea that I would be a hair stylist. When I shared this with a sibling, they said that this probably wasn't a good choice for me as I had previously admitted my struggle with same gender attraction and I was told it probably would be too much of a temptation because there are a lot of 'gay men' in the industry.

Needless to say, I never became a hair dresser, but in the back of my head, I wondered throughout my adult life, was that a dream that was meant to be or was it some fleeting desire that was fueled by my attraction or desire to connect with gay men.

Today, I reflected on something that our pastor said. He stated something like this, "If you desire to do something 'career wise' as a youth, do you dare dream to make it reality? Do you dare to allow God in to that desire and run with it, knowing God will bless you in it?"
I know that this is very much paraphrased, but it struck me in the whole area of being a hair stylist. I envisioned at that moment, working in a salon, my salon, owning a really awesome state of the art studio salon with some fabulous stylists working along side me. Is this from God? Was it from the beginning? Was the desire to be a stylist or designer something that was birthed in me because of my gifts and talents? Or was it a product of my brokenness?

So I wonder.

Why I stayed...

2010-04-22T13:15:00.003-05:00

I recently read Gayle Haggard’s book “Why I Stayed”. It is a powerful account of the emotions and experience that she and Ted went through in 2006 onward. Reading how various people especially the Church community handled the situation brought me back to my own experiences with the Church, yet mine paled in comparison to what happened to them. I wasn’t a Church leader mind you, but still, how do we restore someone back to health and wholeness.
There were a few things that struck me as I read and I want to share those insights that I found very applicable and honorable in the book.

Gayle describes how she coped with the news, after she just found out from Ted that the allegations have some truth behind it. Shock hitting her, fear overwhelming her, specifically regarding health issues brought waves of emotions.
I quote from page 67:
“Ted had already climbed into bed by the time I came out of the bathroom. I slid between the sheets and let my head fall to the pillow. And then I felt Ted reach for me.
My heart broke in that instant. I knew the importance of physical touch in a marriage. I knew its power to bring comfort, healing, and validation. And I knew the damage rejection could cause. Broken people need to be touched, and by reaching out, Ted was pleading for my help. I wanted to help him; I didn’t want to reject him – but what was I supposed to do with the anger, revulsion and pain that were warring in my heart?
I had coached other women through this. Now it was my turn. I would have to press through my feelings and not lose this important opportunity, because it might not come again. And so that night I began my journey of choosing…choosing to love. I chose to press through my feelings of anger. I pressed through my feelings of revulsion and took the hand I had held so many times, the hand that had brought me such comfort in the past. And in that moment, I realized how much I still loved my husband.”

She goes on to explain that at she slid into his arms, sorrow overwhelmed her. She describes the sobbing as waves sweeping over her, over and over again. They both clung to each other, sobbing out their sorrow. Not comforting each other, but being in a space to let everything go, in the safety of the marriage bed, together.

I broke as she described how she felt and I wept as I read about her fears and the ways she still felt comfort with the strength of her husband’s arms around her, even in her pain. She had every right to tell him to sleep on the couch, in another bedroom, heck, even out of the house, but she chose something different. She chose to cling and allow her emotions to come out, in the embrace of the very one who broke trust, honesty and dignity. How often does my mind go to offense and what I deserve in a situation? How do I choose to walk in a way that goes past my own rights? Especially when it comes to being married and walking with my wife?

One thing my wife and I learned through pre marital was to always sleep together, no matter the situation or feelings that are there. No matter the situation, always sleep together. We have held that dear to us, even when we aren’t getting along all that well. When we love each other, but don’t like each other very much. It has caused us to still touch each other in the midst of our brokenness. Choosing to always sleep with one another has drawn us together and kept us moving together as a couple, through the hard stuff.

Gayle goes on to talk about listening to people share their stories. How everyone has a story and everyone wants someone to hear their story.
She states that she usually responds to the story in this way (quoting from page 121)

“Thank you for telling me what they’ve done and how you feel, but now you have a choice. Who are you, and what kind of person are you going to be in this story? You can’t do anything about the other person, but you can decide who you are going to be and how you are going to react. All of us have that choice.”

There is that word again… “choice.” We all have a choice in how we respond to circumstances and how we deal with the things in our life that rage within us. I have a choice to be faithful to my wife, to walk in wholeness. Being aware of my brokenness gives me the opportunity to make choices in how I respond out of the broken places. I won’t do everything perfect. On the contrary, I need Christ as my anchor and my supply. I need him to lead me in the way everlasting.

Gayle states a question mid way through the book, “So how did I get through those darkest hours in my marriage and family? I made a simple choice – to love. To cling rather than separate. To bring everything out into the open, as opposed to remaining sheltered. And I remembered something I’d learned long before: Love isn’t a feeling, it’s a choice – a choice we make every day, sometimes every hour.”

Here we are again at the word choice. She goes on to state again the importance of touch. How often do we as the offended one respond by abstaining from touching the wounder or allowing them to touch us? Our human response may be the opposite of the godly response. She goes on to say that Ted and her clung to each other and out of that choice, they both felt safer. She states that this wasn’t easy, but she was willing to go to that place together with Christ and with Ted.

What a beautiful picture of the body of Christ and how Christ draws us in, when we are wounded or when we have wounded someone. Christ is no respecter of person. He draws both parties unto himself, wanting to bring both people to greater healing and wholeness. Especially in marriage, I know that my wife and I as we walk together in the realm of culture, we mirror the image of God and we are called to be Christ first and foremost to each other. Does Christ tell me to sleep in another room? Does He say, cast away…or does he say…draw close, even if it hurts and I will draw close to you in your pain.

Forgiveness is key as we move to walk with our spouses in redemption. I love it when Gayle describes when Ted asks her again to accept his apology and that he realized how much of a jerk he’s been to have treated her in the way he did. How many times did she hear his apology…countless times, yet at this stage, she got it. She felt it deeply and waves of forgiveness flooded her heart.
Forgiveness will cost you something. It doesn’t mean you won’t hurt or you will forget the wrong, it does mean that you are willing to let go of the wrong and you don’t hold the wrong against the person.

I remember well when I released the one who violated me sexually. When I no longer held that wrong over him and released the wrong to the Lord. I had a visual picture of myself holding on to his neck…screaming the words, I forgive you and yet I was still holding on to his neck. The Lord was asking me to let go. It didn’t happen right away, but I saw myself let go, and this peace encompassed me and flooded me with mercy rather than justice and hate. I could actually release the person to the Lord knowing the Lord loved us both.

In the book, commitment is talked about in ways that go past our cultural thinking or even Church values. So often we feel validated to end the marriage because of adultery and yet is Jesus asking more from us, and what if the wounder is repentant? Is he or she worth fighting for? Is the marriage worth fighting for? Is the family worth fighting for?
Gayle states “This was the hill I was willing to die on.”

Romans 8:28
“We know,” Pauls writes, “that God causes everything to work together for good of those who love God and are called according to his purposes for them.”

I am amazed at the journey of Gayle and Ted Haggard. I am amazed at the Lord’s hand in leading them through the darkest hours and bringing them into the glorious light. Despite the emotions, the feelings, the rejection, this couple chooses to walk differently. Did they walk this out perfectly? I would think both of them would agree they didn’t, because they are human and no human is perfect, yet they were honest and made choices in how they walked this out with each other and with their family. What a testimony that God has written in their lives. May the Lord continue to use them, protect them and guide them, may they not turn to the left or to the right but keep their eyes on the prize set before them.

Psalm 90:13-17
O Lord, come back to us!
How long will you delay?
Take pity on your servants!
Satisfy us each morning with your unfailing love, so we may sing for joy to the end of our lives.
Give us gladness in proportion to our former misery!
Replace the evil years with good.
Let us, your servants, see your work again;
let our children see your glory.
And may the Lord our God
show us his approval
and make our efforts successful.
Yes, make our efforts successful!

Fool for Christ

2010-04-13T17:09:00.003-05:00

How do I attempt to explain to someone that I once was gay and am no longer? That I am now married to a woman and have a baby?

Culturally speaking I am a fool. I am lying to myself and to my wife and to my daughter. I must be this terrible person stringing my wife along, lying to everyone I know and to myself as well. The voice of culture states that eventually I will come out of the closet and that I will admit my sexuality, and they will applaud my relinquishing my “false identity as a so called straight man”. My so called unhappiness and unfullfillment will lead me out of where I am at present and into the world’s standard of living. Some people looking at my life now, will state that I really wasn’t gay to begin with, that I was probably bi-sexual or just experimenting.

All of this is expressed without the full knowledge of my life and what has happened in my life. These are generalized statements which are made without even knowing me and how I think or feel These are judgment statements, definitely not words of acceptance and diversity, which are used so much in today’s statements of human rights.

Having just returned from a marriage conference which was designed specifically for those whose marriages were impacted by homosexuality in some way, I was reminded of our foolishness in the eyes of the culture of today.

1 Corinthians 1:27 says: “But God has chosen the foolish things of the world to put to shame the wise, and God has chosen the weak things of the world to put to shame the things which are mighty;”

To the world marriages which stay together even though impacted by someone who struggles with homosexuality is foolish. The husband or wife (the one who doesn’t struggle with ‘this’ issue) is considered a door mat, naïve, ignorant, stupid and weak, yet God uses the weak things to be strong. He uses the foolish things to confound the wise.
Sadly this is a view that is becoming increasingly more welcomed in the body of Christ. Welcoming the easy way out, as divorce rate rises way past the world’s statistics. Is there hope? Do we believe that God is a God of impossibilities and do we believe that He can do anything? Many marriages have survived the homosexual struggle of a spouse, as they submit their marriage and lives into the healing hands of God, rather than through the eyes of the world. Many lives are being transformed and made new. These lives are changing because of their radical belief in a God who does not leave them undone, empty handed or alone. Trust is being rebuilt in the arms of hope and this takes strength, courage and much submission to the Lord Jesus, rather than trusting in ourselves and our own strength.

This past weekend I met men and women fighting for their lives and for their marriages. I saw and heard them, desperate and needy, pouring out their lives at the foot of the cross and in the body of Christ. The Lord God Almighty heard their cries, wiped their tears and soothed their hearts. These men and women may have looked foolish, weak and sickly dysfunctional to the world standard of strength, but what I saw was genuine strength, courage, honor and love. I saw a community that couldn’t care less of what the world thought, but radically pressed in to serve one another in prayer and love. I saw beauty in the ashes of many couples.

2 Corinthians 12:10 states, “that is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”

I am thankful that I have this weakness, that I will be insulted by the world, that it will be hard sometimes and I will face plenty of persecution from the world’s eyes, for when I am weak, then I am strong. This foolish standard of pressing in to Christ even as I struggle with same gender issues, this embracing my ‘true identity’ as a male made in the very image of God, designed to walk with my wife as two people united to show the world the character of God is good. Very good. I do it with joy, and with the utmost of gratitude to Christ who was the ultimate fool.

Dedication...a deeper thought

2010-03-28T22:24:00.003-05:00

Today we had our baby dedicated at our Church Community. Family and friends stood with us as we vowed that we would raise her in the knowledge of Jesus Christ.

Today, was a day of high emotions, and I held back for most of the morning, but as the day progressed, I began to unravel. Watching those in our community interact with Phoebe and us, her parents, I was reminded of the walking with these people prior to Phoebe's arrival...and prior to Paula and I marrying...and prior to me coming back to the Lord.

This morning as Paula and I prepared to go to Church, I looked at her in wonder and said, "Could you have imagined this ever?"

Both of us said "No!" This was something that both of us thought would never happen in our life. First to be walking in health, second to have met and married, and third to now have a child to raise. She has been in our lives for just under 4 months and we realize it seems she has always been with us. God has pretty much changed our lives with her presence, creating a deeper dependency on Him who created her.

But I am overwhelmed. As I see those in our lives who will walk out their faith in the presence of Phoebe. Who will inspire her to be Christ like, who will spur her on in her faith. My mom who wrote a card to Phoebe said, that her hope for Phoebe is that the two of them will meet in glory. What a sweet day that will be.

Knowing that we are 'older' parents, means looking after ourselves, caring for what God gave us as vessels and trusting that God will provide all we need to parent well and to provide for Phoebe as she grows up. Our hope for her is that she make her faith her own. That she accepts Jesus and lives for him the rest of her days. That she never waivers to the left or to the right.

We are blessed to have people in our lives who love us and care for us. We are overjoyed really with Jesus, and how he has transformed two people out of darkness into his glorious light. As I stood there in front of the church, I looked at the two other girls being dedicated. I know one of the little girls stories of how she got to be with her parents...and their parents know Phoebe's parents story, and the miracle that she is even present today. So we smiled knowing the greater story that God wants to do in these girls lives. To be a prophetic voice in our community, and in our world.

Lord you are so good to us. I am so grateful and my heart is full. Full of love for you, and your desire for us as your children...Lord help us parent well, out of the parenting we learn from you.

Reveal in order to Heal

2010-03-09T23:37:00.001-06:00

Romans 5:1-5
Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And Hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.

In response to a dear friend this week, I found myself again going to Romans 5 and reading again the words of Hope. So often we are stuck in our troubles and find we have no hope, we are lost in the images of despair and hopelessness. What struck me as I read these verses was the words rejoice in our suffering. What does that mean exactly? Having suffered, do I really remember rejoicing? When I felt the lowest of low, was my first thought rejoice?

When we are in pain, the last thing we want to do is rejoice. But as I was reading this scripture, I wondered if I could re state that word in that sentence. What if it meant, be “honest” in our sufferings. Meaning we are open with our feelings, hurt and our pain, and out of that honesty and knowing that God is for us and He suffers with us, brings us to perseverance then character and finally HOPE.

When I was training for the marathon, I suffered. Oh did I suffer. I wanted to quit. I wanted to throw in the towel, but I pushed through. I had this goal and I wanted it really bad. I was honest with my friends when I told them about my training, and how hard it was for me and my wanting to quit. They urged me on, encouraging me to keep going and not to throw away all the work I had done to train. I began to listen to music as I ran. I began to enjoy the pain (crazy) and it brought about perseverance that I can do this. It then built up my character and I knew that I felt good about myself. I then could hope that I could do it. HOPE!

I also remember suffering as I left the gay identity that I was so firmly attached to. I remember the days when images, thoughts, memories, smells, and sites drew me to want to lay down all the hard work and just forget this perseverance thing. But I longed for God, and longed for something more than the hopelessness that I found in my gay identity. I talked about my pain, and suffering. I did not want to stay in that place, but knew I needed to talk, be honest and “feel” the emotions that God was bringing to the surface in my life. The phrase “God reveals in order to heal” has become a phrase that I welcome, even though it will bring pain, I know that it is for my healing. The more I put a lid on the painful areas in my life that God wants to touch, the more I stay in prison to that pain.

God longs for us to give him the pain, the suffering that we are feeling. He longs for us to be honest with Him and others, the body of Christ. How are we being honest? How are we doing with the painful places still lingering in our hearts? Do we believe God to be big enough for our pain, or is our pain too big for the Creator of the Universe? To the one who painfully sacrificed His only son for us?

Proverbs 10:3 says: "The Lord will NOT let the godly go hungry, but he refuses to satisfy the craving of the wicked." God will not leave us nor forsake us. He will not let our needs go unmet, or our pain not healed. When we turn to other cravings to get our pain resolved rather than to God, it will not satisfy us. It may give us some temporary relief but it will not satisfy us. Entertainment, drugs, alcohol, shopping, eating, not eating, and relationships are a few examples of temporary coping mechanisms, they are not all together wrong, but when we abuse them, or use them to cover up pain, they can be detrimental to our health in all areas of our life.

The Lord is longing for us to be honest, with all that is within us. He longs for us to be built up, encouraged and for us to build perseverance, character and to Hope. To hope that God is for us and not against us. That He can meet us where we are at, and He can meet us in our suffering.
God graciously gave up His son to suffer, to know our suffering. So that we can be honest with Him, our healer.

All Things New

2010-03-08T13:33:00.003-06:00

Deprivation

2010-02-01T15:12:00.004-06:00

Since having our daughter, we have dived deep into the realms of sleep deprivation. A time when emotions and thought processing is thrown out the window in the midst of feedings, crying, playing and visitors popping in to have a peek. In all of this we are very aware of intentionally fostering our relationship as husband and wife and walking in healthy ways with each other despite the deprivation of sleep and time with each other.

Deprivation however comes in varied forms and expressions. In the past, the deprivation of healthy same gender relating brought about the expression of sexual promiscuity. Seeking out someone to fill the void of what should have been instilled in me as I grew up.

The lack of healthy affirmation of my masculinity came with a deep sense of loss of what could have been. It came with shame, low self esteem and a need to find a definition of who I was.

In the past few months, my awareness of these issues has been heightened in new ways and the recognition and need for greater healing. Acknowledging my neediness and the deprivations knowing that I need Christ, and I hunger for him to fill and complete me.

This deprivation of sleep has awakening a revelation for me of what it means to be deprived of something that is so important and the ways we will seek to get that met. In terms of sleep? Well, I can't go to sleep at work, nor can I sleep while driving, or meeting with people, but I can stop and take time to grab a nap, or even admit my deprivation and say "I'm not coming in to work today, I have to get some sleep". Thankfully, I have a job that I can do that as I work plenty of overtime.

How do we though care for ourselves when deprived of our basic need, for love, affirmation, attention, affection? For years, due in part to gaps in these areas and abuse that happened to me, I had a deep hunger and need to fill the voids in my life. How did I cope? Through addictions, wearing masks, sex, materialism, food, drugs, being perfect, being in control. I did my best to portray an image that I'm okay, confident and secure, when in reality, I was a huge mess, desperate for love and acceptance.

Only in recognizing my deprivation and actually stopping my coping mechanisms, did I come face to face with my savior, Jesus Christ. Who allowed me to feel the depths of pain and loss, who met me and washed me and came in to those voids.
My Papa God affirmed me, called me forth, gave me endurance, confidence and restored my identity.

I see areas of deprivation in my life still, sleep being one of them, yet I know when I take the care that I need, when I stop doing, when I stop being, and just sit in the presence of Jesus, I am in good hands. It is giving up my control, trusting and knowing the my Father is good and loving...and that is all I need.

Answered prayers

2010-01-01T11:54:00.004-06:00

It has been a year like no other. I could not have imagined this if I had tried.

I love reading back on my posts, as I often write out prayers or what I am praying at the time. I look back to see and ask..."has God answered my prayers?" I am reminded that He does. In looking back I can rejoice and give thanks. I am reminded of the promises God has for me, for my family. Most times, God answers in ways that I would not have thought...I love that. I love how creative our God is. So often I can get the picture that God has to answer logically and practically, when God often surprises me with how he answers.

In reading previous posts, I have prayed specific things.

1. That Paula and I would have a home to live in.
2. That God would make a way to get us out of debt.
3. That God would provide for our needs...not our wants.
4. That God would give us a child...children.
5. That God would provide for me to go to conferences, Exodus, Living Waters.
6. That God would bring us to a Church Community that he wants us involved in.
7. That God would direct our steps regarding employment, education and ministry opportunities.

This is just a few of my specific prayers.

Paula and I live in a quaint little home in the west end. It fits us. We are thankful to have had a realtor (Rosalie Rattai) who prayed with us in our search for a home. Who walked with us and when we decided to give up the search, she said...I think I found one you might like...well, we loved it...and knew because we had decided to give up "our" search, God brought this home to us. The house is like us, a work in progress. What we find the most is that people don't generally like to leave our place. That is our one prayer that our home would continue to be a home of peace and refuge.

We have prayed for our debt to be gone. Well, God has made a way for us to continue to be indebted, but with no interest. So we are still in debt technically, but with no interest (thank you from the bottom of our hearts to the people who have made this happen for us) In the process, of walking out budgeting and living more disciplined lives, we have realized the importance of finances. Realizing our responsibility to give to others, to provide what others need. To save for our daughter, to be good stewards of what really belongs to God...our provider. He owns it all, and in a sense we just rent from him. God has placed it on the hearts of others to provide for us in ways that far exceed our understanding. We are thankful to those who give anonymously, to those who give knowingly and to those who continue to pray. We have been the recipients of food, clothing, and that has been a huge blessing to us. Since we live on a very limited income, we have seen God move in provision, which has increased our faith. It has increase our faith not just in provision, but in our giving, and in the community that we surround ourselves in.

God brought us Phoebe Eliese Selah...after we said goodbye to Micah and Hannah. We are thankful to have a beautiful Child to raise and cherish, but as I thought this morning in my prayer time, she is God's daughter first. So I relinquished my hold on her, and asked God to give me the strength, wisdom and love to raise her as a forerunner. As a daughter of a Kind. She is the apple of His eye, just as she is mine. I ask that God continue to give me deeper sense of what Father means.

God has provided ways to go to conferences. Paula and I were asked to speak at the Exodus Conference last year. It was an incredible experience. God moved. God breathed, God answered.
He provided a way for us to go to Midland Texas to be a part of a ministry opportunity for married couples. He provided a way for us to attend other conferences and leadership events. We are grateful.

We are still praying about the future and what it entails. That God would direct our steps, give us wisdom, ideas, creative ways to make ends meet. That he would bless our imagination, and give us words to speak and write.

Paula and I both write for the Christian Courier. We both realized that this has been an answer. We would like to write books, and this way, we are published writers, which makes the process a little easier. So this year, we are focusing on writing.

So we still have a big list of things we are praying about. Mostly, we are praying for others. We are praying for those caught in the lies of gender confusion. Those trapped in the enemies grip of death. We know full well the restorative power of Jesus Christ. That he can do anything. Really. Anything. Why we limit God is beyond me, but I do it all the time. I forget. I have to be reminded. So I write to remember. I write to remind myself of the faithfulness of God. I have people in my life who say..."remember...what God did?"
I pray for the prodigals, searching for a way home. I pray for the poor and needy, the orphans the widows. I pray for the brokenhearted. I pray for Christ's return.

Now I pray for our wee one, I pray for Paula. I pray for us. That we would remain faithful, in the turmoil of the world around us. That we would stay faithful to God. That we would not fall away. I give thanks for the messes in my life, the brokenness, which points me always to Jesus, my healer and restorer. I press on to the finish.

Thank you Lord for answered prayers,
for who you are as...FAITHFUL ONE! I give you this year...to teach me, teach us. To mold us, refine us, love on us, commune with us, show us your wonder, your power, your might. Come Lord Jesus, come. May we be like the prepared bride, waiting for you the bride groom...who is so in love with us...his bride.

One day older?

2009-12-17T00:20:00.004-06:00

The other day, I was sharing with a friend the good news of our daughters birth. They mentioned that each day we get older and older and one day pass away.

As usual, the comment sat with me percolating in my mind. Then as I lay in bed, the thought came to mind...are we getting older or are we getting younger?

If we think of the word of God, we get the taste that yes, each day is passing us by, but we are also getting renewed each day. If we embrace the process of renewal, we are in a sense becoming new each day. Brand new. Not a trace of yesterday is in today. If that is so, we are actually gaining something by embracing the restoring work of Jesus Christ.

I had to look back again with astonishment as I look in the face of my daughter...yes my daughter. She is brand new...7 days old (outside the womb anyways). It gets me to look back at what was...and now what is. The previous life of debauchery, of self gratification and self indulgence. Of living to please myself, and living in the deceptive lie that I was created gay. As I look into Phoebe's eyes, I see myself, I see my wife. I see what the two of us...partnering with God, have created. But even going beyond even natural child birth, I also see in the eyes of my adopted niece and nephew the character and also the eyes of their parents. Both Father and Mother, working together to nurture and care for them, giving the gift of their gender to their child.

It is hard to believe that 4 years ago, I was just leaving a gay identity. So broken and wounded, so angry, yet willing to allow my savior to wrap me in bandages, to clean my wounds. It has been a grace filled 4 years, of being renewed, or gaining wisdom and understanding and of being restored...being made new.

As my daughter "ages", so will her parents...my wife and I. As older parents, we will rely on God to give us strength, as we dedicate our bodies to health, as we continue to renew our mind with the word, so that we can give all we can to our daughter, who we hope will come to know her savior early. Who will be secure in her gender, who will be strong, delicate, and loving to all whom she will meet.

Her third name is Selah...and we picked the name as it means to "pause" or some people say the word selah stresses the importance or reality of what was said. So we hope that people will meet our daughter and pause...as they see Christ. This will happen in her life as she allows Christ to transform her day by day, and we as her parents need to model that for her.

So are we getting older...one more day in the grave. Hmmm, you could say that, but you could also say, we are being transformed into the very likeness of Christ, and are one day closer to glory. Where life really begins.

So you think you can dance?

2009-10-21T10:10:00.003-05:00

Society is sinking faster and faster into a pit of "self."

Sexual exploits and the "sex culture" we are in is dangerous.
It facilitates an unhealthy climate for our children, our teens, our adults and our seniors (no one is not affected by what is happening in the world around us).

One big influence today is the "So you think you can dance Canada" program on CTV. Last night, I watched as the last four danced. This season has been filled with the word "sexy", to the point where you can almost not get a comment without that word being said. In particular, Luther Brown is commented on time and time again as being "sick", "bad", "too sexy", and this is helping out our young women how?

As the camera pans over the audience, we see young women screaming and applauding both the choreographers and the dancers. Rarely do we see young men, rather the audience looks to be filled with young women. So what is being said to them as they watch the women dance?

1. That you are the sum of a sexual object?
2. That you can use sex as a powerful weapon?
3. That sex is it?
4. That sick is good?

I can go on.

Yet, last night as much as I cringe at times when I am watching, I heard some truth in the cracks of the verbal and visual onslaught of sex, I see a picture of submission and lead. Last night as Jean Marc was talking to Vincent, he commented on Vincent's strength to carry his partner. In his ballroom training, Vincent will have learned that to allow the beauty of the woman to shine and radiate on stage and to keep her safe in her movements, it means to lead with courage and bravery. It means to be strong and believe in each step you take. To not waiver in your ability to guide her through the steps.
As the man guides and touches, and takes the steps, the woman is secure that the man will not drop her, and she can fully embrace her movements, because they are in a safe environment.

My hope is that this message is clear, and my hope is that it becomes stronger than the "sex" appeal of the dances that we are seeing.

My hope is that we raise a generation of strong men, and strong women. Who do not waiver in their wanting to dance, in the realm of how God wants them to dance. To find their voice, to find their steps and to dance with passion for their creator. Dance for the injustices out there, for the cultural climate change, for the poor, for the crippled, for the orphans, for the broken. That as our young men and young women learn to dance with each other in mutual love and respect, in purity and holiness, we will see a change take place all around us.

As my wife and I prepare to welcome our baby into the world, I sense this call to father well, but even more so to husband well. To dance well with my wife. (who is a dancer)
Early on in our marriage, we would make a clear space in the room, turn the lights off and turn the music on and just dance with each other, eyes closed, in the dark. Our movements strong and tender, our touch guiding each other to the rhythm of our love of our Father. It was pure and holy, often bringing us to tears and intercession. My wife who has more dance training, free to follow my lead, and found secure in the safety of my untrained steps, because I stepped boldly and strong, tender and loving. Not wanting to crush her, rather love and honor her own movements.

We see a culture around us, who are dancing to get what they want. Not just sexually speaking. We see a climate change of self interest, self preservation.

With words such as, "you just don't understand", "It's my right", "I can do what I wanna do", "I deserve this", "I worked hard for this"...do you get it? Each statement is self speaking and one that is saying, I am more important than you.

In dance, the man leads because he knows what the woman, his partner needs. He isn't doing it for his own glory and what he'll get out of it, he is leading because he knows that in doing so the dance becomes safe, beautiful and can go to greater depths because the woman is free to submit, to find her peace in the her movements.

My hope is that we can go back to the respect and honor of true dancing. Without the word "sexy" being the imprinted word that our culture is screaming into the minds of our young men and young women.

Loving God...Loving Others

2009-10-19T00:05:00.000-05:00

We have been hearing a lot about Loving God...loving others at the Church we attend. It has been challenging and though provoking.

I am an ACTS community loving guy, and deep in the heart of my thinking is that one day, we will need each other in ways that go beyond what we can comprehend at the moment.
Not sure why I feel that, but for years I have felt like we are going to get to a place where it will be fellow Christians who will be helping each other out in radical ways, be that with food, clothing, housing, medical care. We won't have the ability to go to stores, hospitals, schools, regular establishments.

With the economical 'scare' that we went through this year...and really it isn't over yet, I wondered, is God shaking things up? Is he allowing things to happen to wake up His Church?

I can't help but think with all I am hearing about loving God and loving others, the radical call on our lives to live fully prepared to give it all up. I look at my own life and battle my fleshly desires and cry out to God to help me with my motives. So that my focus will be on furthering the Kingdom of God. My focus will be on others and their needs rather than mine and getting what I think I deserve.

Realistically my wife and I have had the hardest time so far with finances. We have been open and honest with our struggle and we continue to battle and face it on a day to day basis. Knowing that we could lose our house, we could lose it all, and yet, we continue to hope that one day it will get better. That one day it won't be so difficult and that this road too will become less rocky.

We have had to give up much to follow Christ and in doing so, it has given us a desire to help others who have given it all to run full on toward the cross. Do we really know what we are asking people to give up to follow after Christ? Are we prepared to serve and give to those who are giving it all up?

For my wife and I, we both were in same gender relationships and we both left significant financial assets to follow Jesus. We did it out of obedience. We also left friends, familiar people, family, jobs.

This weekend we spoke at a Gender conference and I was struck with the question? Do we know what we are asking those in the gay and lesbian life to give up? Do we have a concept? and are we willing to be the radical hands and feet of Christ to these people.

Today, as I sat listening to the life lesson, I was reminded of those in my life who walked it with me when I returned home. When I left my house, possessions, material security, my friends, my job, the familiar, and who allowed me to grieve those losses. They allowed my grief to sweep over me and sat with me in that grief.

I heard my wife speak this weekend of her own time of grieving, as she left the familiar, as she left those who called her auntie, and it broke me, as I knew she lived in silence. Fearing those in her community who it was unsafe for her to turn to. I ached for her loss.

Today, I sit in our home, small, old, in need of renovations and some fixings, I see the bills yet to be paid, wondering where we'll get the resources for that, I see our humble home, most of the furniture given to us, not fancy, yet it screams who we are. Because it really has been a community that has built this home.

We are grateful even in this, a time of struggle and hope. A time of radical trust in God and a desire to Love God and Love others. For we have been loved much, by our Heavenly Father, who gave his son to die for us...period...we have been extended grace, even when we didn't deserve it. So in this, we learn to extend grace to others.
I pray for the Body of Christ, that we would see the radical call on our lives to love God and to love others, expecting nothing in return. For if we do that and expect nothing, we won't be hurt when nothing is given back to us.

Lord be Lord! Give us strength, increase our faith, and help us to love!

2009-10-13T23:15:00.001-05:00

Today, the headlines read “Bathhouse Blaze”, early Sunday morning a fire broke out in one of Winnipeg’s two bathhouses. Aquarius, a two floor bathhouse, was a low light place to connect with other men for the sole purpose of having sex. The facility also hosted co-ed nights for women to also come and “hook up” or go there for a date night, as one female patron said, a safe place to go.

Having graced the rooms of Aquarius, I know full well what went on behind the entry way. Bathhouses were at one point my friend. A place to have as many encounters with other men as possible, to explore different avenues of sexual pleasure and it played into the excitement of voyeurism. Aquarius was no exception to this fact. The basement of the facility was the dungeon so to speak, with a round bed in a large dark room where I saw men in bondage. Opposite that room was a maze of chain link and a blackened maze of corners, small rooms where one could go and have sex and not see the other person.

Realizing the destructive behavior of the facility, especially in the degrading acts being played out on men as well as women, it became evident that Aquarius was a glorified whore house, only money was not exchanged apart from the entry fee, and the availability of poppers (a drug which induces a person to put aside all inhibition, placing that person in a position of potentially dangerous activity).

I write as a writer who has been to some pretty rough places to get the high of a sexual encounter. What is sad today is that two men died in this fire. One of these men a 23 year old aspiring drag queen, wanted to go into the entertainment biz. When I saw his face, I saw the face of a clean cut male, young and pretty, yet deeply masculine. A face with hope in his eyes. Yet his hope won’t amount to anything, as his life was taken far too early. But the deeper issue with his death is the correlation between his life as a drag queen and his issue with the bathhouse. A drag queen often is one to do fundraising, is looked upon as someone who lives in the public realm. Is often the voice of those in need. Today that voice is no longer speaking, singing or entertaining.

This brings me to the issue of pride. Pride is the big quintessential word of gay, lesbian, bi, transgendered people. The Pride Parade is all about being proud of who you are, and yet, there is a deep seeded, dark issue of sexual addiction in our midst, that is being normalized in our culture today.

“We are proud of who we are, we want rights…we demand them, and we will take down every voice that is against us. Because being against us means you are full of hate.”
Are words that at one time, I used, and heard other gay people speak out loud, and full of force.

Yet having been to bathhouses and having to look at the destructive behavior of my own sexual addiction, I wonder, what kind of pride that was? I wasn’t loving myself, I was actually feeding my addiction and couldn’t see past not getting a sexual fix, the next guy who would turn me on. It was all about sex. Not pride. Pride would be taking care of myself, honoring and respecting myself and others, not using them, for the sake of my own pleasure. Pride is not taking away my inhibitions with poppers and putting myself at risk of disease, or injury. Pride is learning what the roots of sexual addiction are, that are causing us to go to all lengths to get off. Pride is looking at our behavior and or allowing someone in to speak life to us, rather than encourage us in behavior that is hurtful to both ourselves and to others. When did we first come to understand that multiple sex partners are okay, good or healthy? Why isn’t the gay, lesbian, bi, transgendered community standing up in Pride and shouting enough is enough? Treating each other as objects, as sexual toys, as a way to get our needs met, is exactly what Pride isn’t. When will the community that demands respect and pride and the “same” rights as everyone else realize they have a long way to go to “get there”, if they continue to applaud sexual addictions, drug use, and criminal activity.

It is a quiet secret regarding the realm of sexual exploits and the areas of town these exploits happen in our city, where gay men hang out, late at night or during the day, all in the hopes of having sex. Men congregate in bathrooms across the city, to meet someone to have an orgasm. Putting at risk, young children, teens and others who would rather not see what is going on. Sure, you can be as safe as you think you are, but you never know who will walk in, who will see. Why do we sugar coat the issue of sexual addiction?

It is easier to turn a blind eye, to stay silent rather than speak the truth. Maybe it has to be someone who has been there, done it, who has received help regarding his sexual addiction, who needs to stand and speak. So today I speak. I say, “when is enough, going to be enough.” How many lives are we risking when we stay silent? To disease, to injury, to death? How many souls are we actually killing when we don’t say anything? Lives of men and women, struggling with sexual addiction, not knowing their worth apart from the buzz of the moment, only to wake up, empty and alone or empty in the arms of a stranger they just met a couple of hours before.

I know that I have pride in who I am as a man, who I am as a husband, who I am as a father. Would I want my child to grow up desperately hungry for love and affirmation and a sense of worth, so much so they have sex in a bathhouse, in a dark, dingy, smelly cage, inhibitions gone, not knowing how many people are having sex with them? Hardly, the thought of that actually makes me feel sad. So why would we want our friends, our co-workers, our family members, our loved ones to go to those lengths? When will we say enough is enough and stand for human rights, respected and honored?

Bobby Rogers, President and Acting Manager of Gio’s stated…

“Thank you to everyone who came out tonight to help start our community's grieving process. As part of this process, CJOB 680 AM Richard Cloutier respectfully invited members of our community to discuss some aspects of our culture. After consulting with some community members, Chris Vogel was asked to help us out. Chris Vogel , one of the founders of Gio's (The Oscar Wilde Memorial Society Inc.) and leader in Manitoba and Canada with LGBT rights will discuss some of the unique aspects of our community with Richard, Tuesday at 9am. This is such a sensitive topic and troublesome time for us all - please trust that Richard and Chris will help sort through the stereotypes and homophobia that have been drifting in and out of media comments as a result of this tragedy.”

Key words used here are:
Unique aspect of our community
Sensitive
Troublesome
Stereotypes
Homophobia

This is a sensitive matter. Two men died, in a senseless fire.
But what are the bigger issues here? Is there one? What about the reasoning of Pride, and the oversexualized…unique aspect of the gay community?
What about sexual addiction? What about respecting oneself and others? This is rather troublesome.

I listened to the interview with Chris Vogel who stated a few misinterpreted fact.
1. He stated that Aquarius was renovated and was a great establishment. Unless it was renovated in the last 5 years, it was a pretty dark and dingy place.
2. He stated that drugs and alcohol were not used on the facility, and it is a known fact that Poppers are sold and drugs and alcohol are ingested on site (brought in by patrons).
3. He did however say that they needed to have installed fire detectors.

I found that an odd statement, “no fire detectors?”, is that not mandatory at all licensed established businesses. Yet, in the radio broadcast, it was stated that bathhouses do not need a license to operate? So a tragic event took place, 2 men died in an establishment that was not regulated by regular fire and health inspections. So regarding the establishment being a great place to meet and greet, it really was an accident ready to happen. It was irresponsible for the owner as well as the city to allow the establishment to open and operate.

In our city, our motto is “Take Pride Winnipeg.” How is this taking pride? How is this being committed in raising citizen responsibility?

In the end it comes down to citizens making a stand to what is allowed in their neighborhoods, parks, businesses. We live in a free country in which we have freedom of speech and freedom of religion and the right to say “enough is enough.”

Today, I have had enough.

A concerned citizen of Winnipeg.

ah...the sweetness of anticipation

2009-09-29T23:51:00.001-05:00

Don't Give Up

2009-08-30T00:06:00.002-05:00

Lord let your kingdom reign...

Then the seventh angel blew his trumpet, and there was loud voices shouting in heaven:
the world has now become the Kingdom of our Lord and of his Christ, and he will reign forever and ever.

The twenty four elders sitting on their thrones before God fell with their faces to the ground and worshiped him. And they said, "We give thanks to you, Lord God, the Almighty, the one who is and who always was, for now you have assumed your great power and have begun to reign. The nations are filled with wrath, but now the time of your wrath has come. It is time to judge the dead and reward your servants the prophets, as well as your holy people, and all who fear your name, from the least to the greatest. It is time to destroy all who have caused destruction on the earth."

Then in heaven, the Temple of God was opened and the Ark of his covenant could be seen inside the Temple. Lightning flashed, thunder crashed and roared, and there was an earthquake and a terrible hailstorm.
Revelations 11:15-19

Today, as I pondered yet another friend who has at the moment given up the battle...who is now being deceived by the greatest liar...I asked the Lord, why? Why are so many of our friends falling away, giving up the fight. Saying...This is too hard...or...I can't do it...or...I just don't know what to do anymore!!!

I think...how many more will fall away, allow themselves to believe the lies that are being spoken to them...whispering into their ears, their mind, their hearts, that their desires and feelings are that which is their measuring stick of who they are. This summer, has been a hard summer regarding the falling away, the slow creeping of friends not able to withstand the race set before them. The marathon race of their lives.

I have read all the Harry Potter books. I am now starting the last book, Harry Potter and the deathly hallows. What stirred me today was the fight. The fight against the dark evil that is prowling around, and casting spells on the innocent. Not respecting anyone...but killing and deceiving and in a sense blinding people so they follow the dark arts, and come along side Voldermort.
In the jacket of the book, it reads:

"Never has Harry felt so alone, or faced a future so full of shadows. But Harry must somehow find within himself the strength to complete the task he has been given. He must leave the warmth, safety and companionship of The Burrow and follow without fear or hesitation the inexorable path laid out for him."

So often we feel alone, faced with a future of doubt, shame and desires that go contrary to the word of God and his design for our lives. We struggle with addiction, gender identity, eating, entertainment, low self worth, and we battle, and battle these feelings, these desires. So often alone. Yet, what happens when we are submersed in community and we still feel alone, we still feel that we cannot escape the aloneness, the struggles? Harry has two companions Ron and Hermoine who continue to walk with him, yet Harry still feels alone, the weight of what he has to do on his shoulders, rather than see he has two friends who are willing to give up their lives to follow and help him.

How often do we just give up? Rather than go against all odds, go against culture, go against the "this feels so good", "I deserve this", "I need this" !! What I find as I have been reading is that through out the books, Harry presses on...despite obstacles, hardships, loss, fear, pain...he presses in. He knows what he needs to to, he knows the task...and he has to carry on, despite the fact he may even lose his life.

How often do we just give up? This year, I have witnessed a mass giving up! First hand, watching friends give up! It breaks my heart to see it. It breaks me each time, to watch the falling away of those I love to something that is just a false sense of intimacy, a false sense of love, a false sense of desire.

The past year, I have had more dreams of the coming of Jesus...and often when I think of those who have turned their backs...given up, I am drawn to Revelations.

Revelations 12:10-12
Then I heard a loud voice shouting across the heavens,
"It has come at last-salvation and power and the Kingdom of our God, and the authority of his Christ. For the accuser of our brothers and sisters has been thrown down to earth-the one who accuses them before our God day and night. And they have defeated him by the blood of the lamb and by the word of their testimony. and they did not love their lives so much that they were afraid to die. Therefore, rejoice, O Heavens! And you who live in the heavens rejoice! But terror will come on the earth and the sea, for the devil has come down to you in great anger, knowing that he has little time."

It goes on to say the dragon (who was thrown down to earth) pursues the woman and the child to kill them. I wonder...is this the picture of what the enemy is doing to us? There is an enemy who has little time, and the one focus he has is to kill us. To take us out...so that our testimony is null and void. That we cannot defeat him, because our testimony is now void...and we love our life too much, and are afraid to die.

This summer, 5 friends were taken out...but not for long!!! I believe that the work God began in them will be completed. I pray for them, fast for them and intercede on their behalf. I worship the Lord...fall down on my face, as I face His glory and Holiness! Lord let your kingdom fall on our friends, let your love and mercy and grace be upon them...rending their hearts to you, causing them to turn to you, the truth, the light, and the real love they are looking for. Come Lord Jesus...come. May your wrath be turned away from them, lead them to your in your extreme love and mercy...pour it out on them...pour it out...in their minds, their hearts, the spirit! Cast them not away, take not the holy spirit within them. Restore unto them, the joy of your salvation...and renew a right spirit within them...

For those who continue to walk, persevere, press onward...do it with all your strength, with all your might. Forsake all else to follow after your Savior Jesus, who set you free. Who has given you the authority, the power to stand firm. To never waiver, to focus on the prize set before you! Don't give up! Do whatever you need to not give up. Forsake it all...lay down your life...and know...your Father is so proud of you. He is spinning wildly in the heavens when he thinks of you!!!

Glory

2009-08-13T13:09:00.003-05:00

This summer has been pretty remarkable in many ways. Looking at the past few months and seeing God's glory being revealed in the workings of my life is pretty amazing.

Throughout the summer, the issue of FEAR has come to the surface, revealing to me an area in my life that I am not so comfortable dealing with. I chuckle even as I write that, as I have faced really hard stuff regarding the root issues to same gender attraction and this at times seems so infantile, yet is important to my Heavenly Father and important for me to bring this to him.

At a recent conference just outside of Calgary, I was asked to go get some stones for a specific project that we were doing and as I walked outside into the dark, fear gripped me. WHAT!!! Why did it grab a hold of me, literally keeping me still as a post, in the middle of the outdoors. I looked around, there was nothing but my imagination at work. Thinking, someone is out there ready to grab a hold of me and kill me. Irrational, foolish, yet at that moment reality for me. I quickly got some stones and walked (okay, I ran) back to building. Breathing intently to calm myself down, hiding my fear.

That evening during the worship, again, FEAR came to the surface, this time showing me areas in my life that I still held fear close.

Fear of losing everything...being left destitute.
Fear of not being in control.
Fear God really isn't there...or that he really is displeased with me.
Fear of the dark.
Fear of the basement...okay, I fear our basement.
Fear that something is out to get me.
Fear that I will be alone.
Fear of rejection.
Fear of losing more children.
Fear of falling...that I could fall sexually!

All this fear...holding on to me, and I...holding on to it. Irrational in many ways, and yet still something that God wants to address...in many other ways. He wants me not to fear, but cast it all on Him...but first, I need to know he is there for me...really...that he carries me, holds me.

So the next day, during my small group time, I gave it over, spoke the words... "I am 42 freakin' years old and am still afraid of the dark!!!"
God came into that. He said... "I do not ask you to conquer that fear all by yourself" and I had a picture of myself and others with me, walking out into the dark, I had a picture of Jesus, walking with me.

I haven't formally done that. Taken some other people to walk with me out into the dark, to face the fear, but I have done that in the basement. I have called out to Paula to come downstairs to pray with me as I face the fear of the basement. Crazy, but true, it works. Sometimes when I get the feeling of fear coming, I just stop and ask Jesus into that very moment in time.

A greater sense of how FEAR paralyzes me was shown this week, as Paula and I realized that financially, we are really in need. It has been very tough and it was elevated this summer with one income and the inability to keep up. What I recognized is that my first response is silence out of a fear of not knowing what to do...and even still, what will people think!!! It has awakened me to the reality that I cannot do anything alone...really! Where does it say...do it all on your own? Be your own God? It says cast your cares upon the Lord...not hold it all to yourself. So this week, stepping past the fear of rejection, searched for solutions to our finances. Seeking others wisdom, who have walked this journey, or who may know of ways to help. It is also giving it over to God, saying, there is nothing right now that we can physically do...so we give it to you God...we actually allow God to show himself God...to increase our faith.

So I am learning to give over my fear, just as I learned to give over the roots of my gender attraction. As I gave over life dominating issues, I now too give over to Him my fear, and my failings, and seek Him before all things.

My greatest desire and hearts cry is that God be Glorified in this...and through our lives...because apart from him, we have nothing! With him we have everything...even in our darkest moments.

Back on...reconciliation

2009-06-03T00:00:00.003-05:00

I can't really sleep at the moment, the last few days, to be honest, I have unwound myself by playing a ferocious game of bejeweled trying to beat my friends, who surprisingly have gotten very good scores...way to go!!

It does however get my mind going...working as I replay the day and the interactions that I have had.

I love to dialogue and to talk about how Christ is asking us to live life. I would say I think outside the box most days. A friend of mine explained it to another person. Kenny gets a thought, and he puts it on his blog, to get it out of his head and to get others thinking.

What a good explanation!!! Thanks LLS...you know who you are.

The Holy Spirit has been really speaking to me about motives...why I do or say specific things. There are times, when I would like to just sit down with specific people and hash things out. To say..."come on...get with it!!!" That statement doesn't really speak with a lot of grace...it is pretty black and white.

What gets me though are people...(okay, and I am harder on Christian's because I'm one of them) is that we do all these things to look great(works)...and yet can't seem to get it together to forgive or reconcile. Specifically when someone wrongs us, or we hold all the offenses in until one day it explodes and we put a boundary down and say, you hurt me and so you are unsafe. We spend so much time with the issue in our head, and never talk about it...and then we think it easier to just cut the person out of our lives, rather than realize that we too are in the wrong.

As I look at Christ, I see a savior, who is all about reconciliation. He reconciles us to himself. He sacrificed himself for us...and asks us to do the same.

Recently I heard some great teaching on how David walked this out in his own life. Walking in meekness in the face of injustice. How often do we walk with meekness when we face injustice? When do we give it over to God to be our advocate...our help...our friend? Do we ever lay our own feelings of offendedness and ask "Lord, what would you have me do?" Rather than shut the person out of our lives. How often do we look at our own sin...or ask the Lord...to search me, see if there be any wicked way in me and lead me in the way everlasting? Ps 139:24

It got me thinking of my own life, and how I am prone to not speak out of passivity, out of the thought that the other person may not like me anymore. I am being challenged to step out of that and speak truth...to the body of Christ...the Church...the bride of Christ. He is coming back...and he is looking for a spotless bride. I want to be one of those spotless brides. I want to ask the Holy Spirit to search me...so that I can work out my sin. I am not happy to stay stuck or in the same place, and I value people enough to want reconciliation, restoration, repair. We are never meant to not do the hard work of reconciliation. If we have a problem with our spouse or child...do we just put up a wall and refuse to talk to them, or shut them out of our lives? Why then do we do it to others? It actually cripples the other person as well as yourself. Each action that we do or refuse to do either brings life or it brings death.

I wonder then, how are we seeking to reconcile with those who may have offended us?
I wonder then, are you willing to stop and look at your own sin?
I wonder then, can you see Christ? Can you see his sacrifice...when we didn't deserve it, and realize, we are called to be Christ to everyone in our lives?

And...who per chance is watching? Who is looking at every move you make, if you like it or not? Our unsaved brothers and sister!!! They are looking at how we live, love and forgive. So if we aren't fostering forgiveness and love and reconciliation...forget giving your testimony, forget talking about Jesus and how he saves and reconciles people to God...because you are just a clanging cymbal, hurting the ears you are speaking to.

Seem harsh...probably...but life is hard sometimes, and we need to grow up and realize that it isn't easy sometimes, and we are called to be examples, and a shining light for the world to see...their savior.

Good night!!!

Brief Break

2009-01-14T12:07:00.002-06:00

I am taking a brief break...as I will be focusing my time on a new blog...

www.debtproject.blogspot.com

My journey out...continues to be something that I am challenged with, but not so much about my journey out of the "gay identity" but rather toward living a life dictated by the culture of today or by the worlds standard...okay that means the same thing!

So I will be blogging about debt reduction, being real with how Paula and I are doing and what is working and what isn't, but I will also be sharing how personally this is challenging me in my faith.

How I believe that we are called to live...I often feel goes contrary to how we actually live our lives.

So go to debtproject.blogspot.com and read, be encouraged, give suggestions, but I challenge you to radically give.

Thanks for the faithful readers...those who have been encouraged...challenged and an inspiration to me...encouraging me on...cheering me on. For that is what we are called to do.

Peace and love

Kenny

Debt Eliminator Project

2009-01-04T22:17:00.002-06:00

I recently came across a blog, that was started by Ced Reynolds. Paula and I have been praying to get out of debt, we believe that God is asking us to be intentional, to try our best to walk debt free.
Currently our mortgage is sitting at 132,000 and we have other debt accumulating at around 25,000. It is daunting for us. We struggle each month, we are obedient to give our tithe, and then some on top of that (extravagant givers).
I have often thought...how can we do this? I have prayed for wisdom and understanding and wonder sometimes if we as a body of believers began to help others pay off their debts, we really could live in a debt free community. I hear comments like, "well, they are responsible, or irresponsible", "It's their own sin that got them into this mess", "if they just were more responsible". Each of these statements lay blame, and do not offer grace or mercy. When I hear the Lord tell me to give to someone, it isn't for me to think..."I wonder if they will blow it? spend it on something frivolous or do something that is not responsible." The Lord is just asking me to be responsible to do what He has asked me to do.
Recently Paula and I felt the Lord ask us to give to someone. Okay, it's been a tough month, and we are in the hole, yet, we really felt the Lord tell us to give. So we did. The person called me and thanked us. Relaying to us, how the Lord is working in their life. They actually know our situation and said "we don't get how you could give to us?", I responded that maybe he wasn't supposed to get it. That is God sometimes. We will not get it all the time, and the ways of God far exceed our ability to understand. Why? Because He is God...we are not!!

So, please read the note below. I would love to start a DEP in our community. We know our own debt, but we also know of a family who is in far more debt than we are. Spread the word...talk about it! Let's do something radical for people, which then just frees up more giving.

Peace and joy,

Kenny

Saturday, August 25, 2007
Pray for "The Debt Elimination Project"

Have you heard of the Debt Elimination Project (DEP)? It's really quite an interesting project.

There was a gentleman who had a heart's desire to help pay off the debt of a single woman in his church who had been struggling from year to year. So much prayer had happened for her by the congregation but nothing seemed to change in her finances.

This man who was one of those who prayed for the lady but he was just frustrated as he continued to observe her financial life. He soon discovered that she was in debt because she just couldn't get her debt down because she could only pay the minimum payments on high interest rate credit cards and loans. Nothing ever seemed to change even though she was doing what she could.

The story goes on to say that the man decided that he would take things into his own hands. He decided to do something. He made it his purpose to help this lady pay off her debt. He was able to give her $30 a month. What he asked her to do was to make sure she sent the $30 as extra payment toward the principal on her highest interest credit card.

After a few months of giving $30 the man just felt like he was only helping her scratch the surface toward getting out of debt. He thought to himself, only if there were a few other people who could give a little like I'm doing. He started sharing what he was doing with a few of his close friends and they caught the vision. Five of his friends decided to do exactly what he was doing and started giving the lady $30 a month each. Now she was receiving $180 to put towards the principal of her highest interest credit card.

Long story short, the concept began to spread like wild fire. The gentleman who started the project soon had 34 people who were giving between $15 and $50 a month to help this one lady. In less than a year the lady had all her debt paid off and she was overjoyed.

Here's the clincher. After the lady had her debt paid off she said, how can I help somebody pay their debt off? She said this in the middle of the group of the 34 people who had just helped her pay off her debt. There were several people in the group who were in debt so the group chose one from among themselves and started the process over.

Now imagine this. This new person didn't receive $30 a month. They received over $1,200 a month and had their debt paid off in five months.

The group continued to grow and they continued to choose different people in the group to help pay off their debt. Some people were getting their debt paid off in less than three months. One person even got a $16,000 debt paid off on the spot!

The Debt Elimination Project got it's name based merely on what now over 700 people were committed to doing. They base their purpose for helping others get out of debt on Matthew 7:12 "Therefore, whatever you want men to do to you, do also to them..."

When I heard of this project I committed to help a person I know get out of debt. I'm now in the process of talking to a few of my friends to help them get out of debt.

I'm actually seriously thinking about taking this to another level. I'm thinking about starting an official Debt Elimination Project in our church. We have plenty of single women, widows and certainly families who are in debt who desperately want to be financially free.

************************************************************

What you've just read is just a story I wrote to capture your attention. The gentleman in the story is me. The story is a vision of what I believe the Lord has shown me to help people in my congregation get out of debt and stay out. The other reason I wrote this story is to solicit your prayer as I pursue God's plan to help one person at a time get out of debt. I truly believe it's a whole lot easier for one person to get out of debt if 200 people are helping them.

A debt free church is a church that can be used to to it's full potential.

Stay blessed,

Ced Reynolds

Posted by The Entrepreneurial Pastor at

just some thoughts...

2008-12-04T17:20:00.003-06:00

Since I do not have TV, nor do I read the newspaper (much), there are those who may think I am living in the dark ages...or deciding to remain ignorant about issues that are being raised in Government and the world around me.

1st...my life is not governed by the world, nor the government that is around me. Yes, I follow the laws of the land, pay my taxes, because that is law. Yet, my final resting ground is not here, and my faith is in the eternal, not the here and now.

It has become more and more disturbing to read and listen to hate speeches, and I have been increasingly more disturbed with those who consider me a part of the problem, because of my faith. The notion that I hate gays or lesbians, the notion that I hate those who abort their babies...right up to the due date, because it's legal!! They assume things because I believe in Jesus Christ. I believe in the radical move of the Holy Spirit. It was interesting today, listening to the farse..."Prop 8 - The Musical" depicting Jesus Christ as someone just spewing "love", and not hate...and yet the farse is just that! Depicting Christian's who are all the same...all dressed in black and white...stuffy and back country. Of just accepting one part of the Bible and not the rest. Please don't give me that garbage as an excuse when the makers of this Farse...believe the same thing. If you are not living what the Bible says, or supporting it as a whole piece of God ordained and inspired piece of work...then don't use it as something as a weapon against another person.

What was interesting is the way it made fun of itself, depicting the issue of just acceptance of gay and lesbian marriage...and the issue of making money off of it. That everyone should just accept it and make money off the whole issue.

It shows me that they really don't take it serious, that it is just another issue to raise...and maybe we could also say agenda to be placed on the table of parliament, and pushing the envelope of hatred itself.

I truly believe that we are in the days of Noah, that we have been here before, and this time, we are treading on very thin ice. That Jesus is coming back and that He does not come on a little pony, with daisies in his hair...speaking...love...and peace, rather, he is a savior who is coming back as a warrior, on a strong horse, proclaiming that His kingdom has come...and it will come as a great shock to many people. I pray for mercy and grace...I pray for repentance to happen and a turning toward holiness...I pray for radical conversions and repentance of sin.

Lord have mercy!

Bill C-484 Is there a bigger problem?

2008-09-26T15:51:00.001-05:00

As a man, I do not take woman’s issues lightly, nor do I take children’s rights lightly. And, as a man I will not even entertain voting for a candidate who does not support Bill C-484, which recognizes that harming a fetus (baby) an act of violence against the woman carrying it as a criminal offence. This bill respects the right toward fetal (baby) rights.
I have read articles on the Unborn victims of Crime Act and applaud the bill. We continue to debate whether or not it “infringes on women’s rights, and people can only assume that it would likely result in harm against pregnant women, and we can only assume this, as this bill has not yet been passed.
In one article, someone writes that it “could” criminalize pregnant women for behaviors perceived to harm their fetuses (babies). What behaviors are we talking about? Drinking, drugs? We already know that behaviors like this do affect fetuses (babies).
What is more interesting is the fact that here in Canada, there is no abortion law, and a woman can have an abortion right up to her due date, yet, if she gives birth even at 20 weeks, Doctors try to safe the life of the baby. Despite the fact that the baby will usually have health issues for the rest of their lives, which burdens the health care system.
We have rights for women. That is great. Yet, who is protecting the right of a fetus (baby)?
If we believe that this fetus (baby) can survive even at 20 weeks, then we have to have laws in place to protect that fetus (baby) because they too have a right to be protected against harm.
Maybe the bigger issue to this is the reality that our culture really doesn’t care one way or the other about people? Be they fetuses (babies) or children, or adults. Maybe we live in a world that is so “me” centered that who really cares about another person’s life. Who really cares about a fetus (baby) who can get injured or killed by crime? Who really cares about the woman who carries the fetus (baby)? Who really cares for the children who walk the streets, because they have parents who don’t give a crap about them? Who really cares for the sick who are unable to care for themselves? Who really cares for the handicapped people, they are just a burden anyway, they can die in hospital waiting rooms? Who really cares for someone who is being beaten up, right in front of us? Who cares for the prostitute on the street corner? Who really cares for the elderly in a seniors home or in a run down apartment?
I think there is a deeper issue here in regards to rights, and the respecting of rights. Until we as a nation, care for others, who really cares?
But for me, as a man, as a husband, as a father, I believe in social justice, and I believe in caring for people, regardless! Be that a fetus (baby), an infant, child, adolescent, adult, elderly, handicapped…and the list goes on. I commend any one who supports the two Conservative Candidates in Winnipeg who support this bill. There should be more!

Days of Noah

2008-09-22T21:13:00.003-05:00

Are we in the days of Noah?

Where people drank, lived a life of merriment, laughing, scoffing. When people will scoff at those who believe, conservatively and not necessarily scoff at the "liberal theology, that anything goes".

Today, I was reminded of who God is...and His heart for me...and His children. I was reminded of the cost of following Christ.

There is a cost! When you believe in Christ, it is not just..."let's love people..." but it is allowing him to refine and change you. It means getting into the trenches and realizing that the very act of the cross means more than just "loving others" it means that Christ came to change people.

So when we start believing that...the Bible's translation by man is marred, and that the word of God does not mean what it says, and that really anything goes...because once you start thinking that one sin issue is okay, then really, it is all okay.

Some people have said I am a fool to believe that I can change from a gay identified man to one that is not. Some people say that I am suppressing and some people say that my marriage is a fake, and some people say that just because I am still tempted means that nothing has changed. These people are saying I am a fool. These people are saying that no one has changed or can change...and these people then do not believe in Jesus...the Christ who is in the habit of change. He is in the profession of radically changing people. Christ came for me! He came to make things right, not wrong.

Today, I reminded someone that I have been on both sides of the coin here. I have lived both lives. Actually I am ex ex ex gay! Yet...even that is not what defines me. I am a follower of Christ, who believes radically in His word. Not because, I am hoping I don't miss out when he comes again (you know the better believe in him, because it is a win win situation...and if Jesus doesn't exist then I did not miss anything anyway!)
I love JESUS! I love what he has done and continues to do in my life. I had a life altering moment with God which radically changed me. Hear me...He changes me, not me changing myself. Maybe this is simplistic...maybe to some naive...but it is the story that God is writing in my life...not the other way around.

So I think we are in the days of Noah...which is the days of the coming of the King. People get ready, Jesus is coming...and I think we may be in for a shock!

INJUSTICE

2008-09-18T23:07:00.003-05:00

NEWS FLASH!!! Brad Pitt donating money...again. Here is the clip found on the web. I will interject my own thoughts through out the article.

Brad Pitt has donated a staggering $106,312 to help fight Californian ballot Proposition 8, which would take away gay couples' right to marry.
Brad Pitt has donated a staggering $106,312 to support gay couples' right to marry.

The 'Burn After Reading' actor - who previously revealed he would not marry partner Angelina Jolie until everyone in America is "legally able" to marry whoever they want - gave the money to help fight Californian ballot Proposition 8, which aims to take away the homosexual community's right to wed.

In a statement, Brad said: "Because no one has the right to deny another their life, (I WONDER THEN...WHAT IS BRAD'S VIEW ON ABORTION. THAT IS A LIFE, AND WOULD HE FUND OR DONATE MONEY TO HELP SAVE THE LIFE OF CHILDREN? WOULD HE GIVE TO NON PROFIT ORGANIZATIONS THAT OFFER ANOTHER ALTERNATIVE TO ABORTION? NO ONE HAS THE RIGHT TO DENY ANOTHER THEIR LIFE...PARENTS INCLUDED!) even though they disagree with it, because everyone has the right to live the life they so desire if it doesn't harm another and because discrimination has no place in America, my vote will be for equality and against Proposition 8." (NO ONE HAS THE RIGHT TO END A LIFE, EVEN IF THEY DISAGREE WITH IT. BECAUSE EVERYONE HAS THE RIGHT TO LIVE THE LIFE THEY SO DESIRE...WHICH INCLUDES BABIES...WHO HAVE NO RIGHTS)

Brad's donation is the largest given to the anti-Proposition 8 campaign by an A-list celebrity so far.

(OKAY, THOSE A-LIST CELEBRITIES WHO ARE CHRISTIAN...NEED TO STEP UP TO THE PLATE AND GIVE TO ORGANIZATIONS THAT PROMOTE LIFE, SOCIAL JUSTICE, AND TO ORGANIZATIONS THAT OFFER A DIFFERENT APPROACH, WHICH IS NOT DISCRIMINATION, IT IS GIVING TO AN ORGANIZATION THAT PROMOTES HEALTH, WHOLENESS AND AN ALTERNATIVE TO SOCIETIES NORM. IT IS GIVING TO PROVIDE AGAINST DISCRIMINATION AGAINST PASTORS, CHRISTIAN LEADERS WHO WILL BE FORCED TO MARRY AGAINST THEIR BELIEF SYSTEMS. BEING FORCED TO DO SOMETHING AGAINST YOUR WILL/THOUGHTS AND BELIEFS IS ALSO DISCRIMINATION...SO BRAD PITT IS ACTUALLY PROMOTING DISCRIMINATION.)

Political strategist Chad Griffin added: "It is our hope that others in the entertainment industry will step up and match Brad Pitt's heroic commitment to quality and defeating Proposition 8."
The 44-year-old actor's decision to donate the money comes just a week after Brad and Angelina - who has previously enjoyed lesbian relationships (THIS HAS TO BE THROWN IN...WHY? WHO CARES IF SHE PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED LESBIAN RELATIONSHIPS...SHE IS NOT A LESBIAN...OR ELSE SHE WOULDN'T BE WITH BRAD PITT)- were ranked in sixth position on Parade magazine's list of the most generous celebrities in the world, after giving away $8.9 million of their own money to charitable causes in 2007.

MY COMMENTS ARE THE BOLD ONES. WHAT REALLY GOT ME IS THE STATEMENT MADE IN THE BEGINNING ON EVERYONE HAS THE RIGHT TO LIVE A LIFE THEY DESIRE, EVEN IF OTHERS DO NOT AGREE. SEEING THE ADOPTIONS THAT BRAD AND ANGELINA HAVE DONE, I BELIEVE THAT MAYBE BRAD SHOULD DONATE TO END ABORTION. WHICH DOES NOT GIVE THE BABY THE RIGHT TO LIVE THAT LIFE THAT THEY DESIRE...EVEN THOUGH THE PARENTS DO NOT AGREE.

ANOTHER ISSUE IS THAT HERE WE HAVE A-LIST ACTORS WHO THINK THEY ARE SO MUCH MORE POWERFUL JUST BECAUSE THEY HAVE MONEY. THAT IS CRAP. THEY ARE ACTORS, AND I HAVE KNOW A FEW IN MY LIFE, AND SOME YOU NEVER KNOW WHO THEY REALLY ARE, THEY ACT ALL THE TIME. THEY ARE JUST LIKE ANY OTHER PERSON ON THE FACE OF THE PLANET...THEY HAVE MADE SOME MOVIES...THAT'S IT. THEY'VE BEEN OVER PAID...THAT'S IT. NOW THEY SWING THEIR MONEY HERE AND THERE, EXPECTING PEOPLE TO APPLAUD THEIR EFFORTS. A GOOD EXAMPLE IS OPRAH...WHO DOESN'T LEAD BY EXAMPLE...SHE SOUNDS GREAT ON AIR, DOES SOME GOOD THINGS HERE AND THERE, YET, LIVES A LIFE OF EXTREME. EXTREME WEALTH, WHEN MILLIONS OF PEOPLE DIE EVERY DAY BECAUSE THEY LACK WATER, SHELTER, HEALTH. SHE COULD ACTUALLY LIVE ON PROBABLY 10% OF WHAT SHE BRINGS IN...AND SHE COULD GIVE THE REST AWAY. FANCY THAT IDEA. BUT WE IDEALIZE THEM AND PLACE THEM SO FAR ABOVE THE ORDINARY PERSON. OPRAH SAYS SOMETHING AND WE ALL HOLD OUR BREATH...AH...WORDS OF WISDOM!?!?! COMING FROM HER?
WHEN WILL SOCIETY SEE THE HYPOCRISY IN REGARDS TO CELEBRITIES! WHEN WILL SOCIETY FORGET ABOUT A-LIST ACTORS, OPRAH WINFREY'S AND STAND UP FOR THEMSELVES RATHER THAN WAITING FOR AN A LIST ACTOR TO DO THIS OR THAT.
WHEN WILL SOCIETY STOP THE CELEBRITIES MAKING THE NEWS...AND STAND UP FOR POVERTY, INJUSTICE, WHICH CELEBRITIES...COULDN'T CARE LESS ABOUT.

OKAY...ONE RANT DONE! MAYBE I'LL JUST WATCH A MOVIE...HA!

Grief...

2008-09-08T22:35:00.003-05:00

The words, "let me know what we can do to help!", or a friendly pat on the shoulder...as they walk by. As I gulp down the verge of exploding in tears and wailing. Noticing my wife sitting amongst women, in a circle, no one really saying anything, rather, they are just sitting embracing my wife, as tears ebb down her face.

I stand off to the side, alone, taking in the sight of her, shedding the tears for our babies, the ones we won't hold in our arms, the ones we won't watch take their first step, say their first word, graduate, marry, birth their own children.

I stand alone, an occasional glance, a pat on the back, a nod in my direction. I stand, a pillar, a shadow. Maybe I am overly sensitive, maybe I care too much. Maybe my heart is too big. What I do know is that my sense of loss is huge. I have always dreamed of having a large family, many children. My own and those whom I would take in.

Through my own decisions I walked away for 10 years, my 30's. I walked away from a time when many people are planning children. I was absorbed in my own life, getting my own needs met. Now...I long to see my wife, birth. I long to see her beam as she holds our children in her arms. I long to hold them in my arms, against my chest, so they know they are safe, secure. I long to wipe their tears, teach them to pray.

Grief. A fathers grief...often forgotten. Comfort the mother, the wife, as the man stands off, a shadow of what he used to be.

I have learnt from watching, and learnt from my grief, what not to do. Maybe that is what God is doing. Maybe God is showing me what not to say, what not to do. I know that I can shelter my pain, hide it away from people, because, if I let it go...it would look messy, unattractive...unappealing. Maybe it is my own pride that stands in the way of my own grief.

I have made it to the place where anger and sadness are friends. I have made it to the place where I realize my own vulnerabilities, and need to move it to the next rung of the ladder. I need to lay it down. I can't carry it any more, I can't burden it any longer.

No matter where you are in the journey, grief stinks, grief is debilitating, yet grief is a way of saying, you have a heart, you feel, you are alive, you are human. I have said and continue to say to people, that it is important to grieve and to walk that through in a variety of differnt ways. Now, I stand in a differnt area of grief, the loss of children and the loss of dreams and the loss of what could have been.

I am challenged to find the words that I have spoken to others, and put that into practice. I have found that I need to go to the cross, I need to go to my Heavenly Papa, and give it to him, to go to him, for comfort and support and for my refuge.

I can say, it will be okay, and I can see it being okay, yet right now, it's not okay. It's not okay. I am not okay. I am a mess. I am not together...and I don't care that I am not. My mind wanders. I forget. I can forget what I did the night before. I don't care to phone someone, and tell them how I am doing. I don't care to continually make excuses for my lack of enthusiasm, or lack of energy. I could sleep all day. That is grief. I am tired of apologizing for my lack of leadership and tired of explaining that I am feeling like I am going to crack up at any given time. I am tired of not crying, and feeling angry.

Some days, that is how I feel. Some days, I feel joy, happiness, and believe it will be all okay. I sometimes have hope that we will carry to term, and I will one day hold babies in my arms, babies who are a part of me and part of my wife. I still dream of that. I still long for that. I can be present, I can be focused, I can minister to others, yet I also know my vulnerability in the change of direction that I can go. It could be a reminder of fatherhood, it could be a picture, a thought, an image. It could be just the emptiness in my arms and heart.

I guess this is just me, and where I am at. I guess, I could say that I am okay, but I'm not...and that's okay. I am okay with it. I just wish sometimes that others would be okay with it too.

been a long time

2008-06-26T23:05:00.003-05:00

Today, I am tired.

I am tired of being tired. I realize that when things are hard at work, it makes it challenging to be upbeat. I am a pretty optimistic person, and when that starts leaving then I can get pretty funky!!

My saving grace is home...and it being a sanctuary for me...and my wife, who I am so in love with. I thank God for her...and for Him bringing her into my life, to bring me balance and I am thankful that she believes in healthy guidelines on how to live life as a couple. I love it that she loves God more than me. Hmmm, crazy but true.

So, we face challenges...many.

For the most part, I am someone who loves and needs to write. To pen things down on paper or computer. To get my thoughts fully out of my head, this is what I need to do. I have been challenged to be more 'relational' to communicate out of my mouth, but what happens for me is that I am a slow thinker. I am not quick, so my responses to questions come later...once meetings are up, or when people leave. I think..."why didn't I say that?"

So I write, and sadly I have not been doing that lately and it has been showing. My mind seems to not be as focused...that could be the amount of things on my plate, it could be the grieving (which I put the money on). We had someone come and talk with us about loss, and to grieve that loss. She also told us what our bodies would do in the grieving stage...and yes...to everything she said. Anger, forgetfulness, loss of appetite, increased appetite...sleepiness...the list goes on.

We are trying our best to be healthy, to look after ourselves and each other in the midst of this all. Plus, look after the house, get things done here. It is a challenge but it makes us press in to God more. Both of us feel that.

On that note...What I am saying is that I miss my blog, miss writing. I have been in communication with a few people about issues and have been expressing myself more, and letting others know me again. It is good. After I got married...someone told me that they missed Kenn. What has happened is Kenn has evolved and become the Kenny that he was always meant to be. The man that he was supposed to be in all areas of his life.

So here's to evolution...or in other terms, restoration, redemption. Jesus is good, Papa is amazing...and all is well.

failures-evolution

2007-12-14T17:06:00.000-06:00

I was sent a quote and have been communicating with people in regards to the thoughts on failures...here is an excerpt from the dialogues...

A QUOTE FROM A GOOD FRIEND.

At least if you're failing, you know you're alive; you're participating, engaged, learning, and therefore contributing to evolution.
The Japanese have a phrase for this; they call it "the nobility of failure,"
implying, "Look at all the great things at which this person failed.
She was really alive."

Honor one of your noble failures

My comment...

PRAISE THE LORD FOR FAILURES>>>WHICH SAYS WE ARE LIVING!!!!!

I pray that each of you know of God's immense love for you
today.regardless of your feelings and thoughts. You are loved and
that will never change.

Then I received a response and this is my response to their email...

Yes, God wants us to be perfect as He is perfect. My thought on that is...

We will never measure up. God is God, we are not. In that we will fail, we will walk in failure, even when we try to be the best we can. It is in that failure that we recognize our need for Jesus, the holy spirit and our Papa.

We can be wise, we can be on fire, we can be mentally with it and be the best planner and still fail. So how do we cope with those failures...do we shame ourselves...do we think less of ourselves...do we accept grace as that which covers those failures? In the words of evolution...the context that is referred to in this quote is our evolving as Jesus Followers...it is an expression of not being the same as I was yesterday. That I admit my shortcomings and "failures"...and I have to recognize that which I have not done well, even when I am working hard not to fail...so that I can say...Jesus, may I learn from this, may I grow from this, help me to be the best and not make the same mistakes that I did before.

I think in terms of honoring our failures...it is more recognizing them, that they do exist...if we turn a blind eye on them...we are like that ostrich that puts its head in the sand...or turns a blind eye on that which God wants us to recognize, so we can move forward, instead of just burying it.

What about those people who are struggling, who are trying to put their lives back together, the prostitute on the street who knows Jesus, yet cannot yet quit acting out...what is her worth? I always think, about my attitude, my thoughts and how I communicate them to others, especially someone who is struggling with issues and the expression of that struggle is more visible on the exterior (rather than the 'average' Christian in a church seat...who is just the same as that prostitute on the street).

I am reminded of the word that says..."His strength is made perfect in my weakness". It does not say His strength is made perfect in my victories.

I believe what you say, where you are coming from. I just wanted to clarify evolution, from a relevant Christian perspective...this one was not intended to focus on the evolutionary theory of creation...rather the evolution of our inner man, as we walk with Christ...and not being the same as we were yesterday.

Just in the area of me, clarifying the evolutionary word, I recognize that I have to watch how I put my words and to define what they mean. That is what I am doing here.

I also hate my failures, and they do not define me. Yet, I know because I have walked in recognizing them, sitting in it (not in a passive way, but a pro-active way) with Jesus.
I do however understand Grace, and know that in walking with people who recognize their need for Jesus, and the failures that they do, that often it is a process...a step by step process of healing. It may mean that you will fall flat on your face...and what do you do with that? How do you walk with someone who has fallen...and needs the help of his/her Christian brothers and sisters. I think of the paralytic man who was lowered down from the roof, so that he would get healed. He needed his brothers to help him, to carry him, to cut a hole.
I am reminded of Lazarus...and the words of Jesus, that said...unbind him. There was a deeper meaning to that statement. That often people are dead in their sin, their hurts, and pain. That we as a body of Christ, who are to be like Christ, are to unbind those in pain and hurt. It means that we need to recognize that with death, there is stink, ugliness and pain. It means walking with others regardless of their victories and failures.

"My gracious favor is all you need. My power works best in your weakness. So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may work through me. Since I know it is all for Christ's good, I am quite content with my weaknesses and with insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Corinthians 12:9-10 NLT

A question...What is our role as a Christian? What is our mandate? What is our focus here on earth?

Thanks for your words...I love the dialogue.

Night Life

2007-11-07T21:33:00.000-06:00

So I have been dialoging with people in regards to how we see community as a Christian. I have become more and more challenged in regards to my pattern of thinking.

Where do I begin?

I have realized that I have not been blogging much lately, travel, marriage and work have kept me pretty much away from the computer at home...okay...plus...the computer was stolen...ya...that bites.

I have watched as the inner city has become darker and darker. More crime, more crime and less action against it. During a ministry experience my wife shared with me a story of someone who said the street was calling them. I asked her if she knew what that meant. She didn't. So I shared with her my thoughts as I lived it, and know the draw of the street.
The smell. There is a night smell, which is often sweet in aroma, you can smell the trees, the grass. Nature at it's best...but that is not all. There are the sounds, the sites and the adrenaline rush of getting a fix. Be it drugs or sex...there is a draw. It is a deep pull toward something you know is not good for you, yet you long for it at the same time. Often the longing beats the not good for you thought.

So what is one looking for when the street calls your name. For me it was validation through anonymous sexual encounters. I knew where to go, when to go and what to do.
It did not matter how my day was going. I could be totally connected with people, being social, having the time of my life, and then I'd go home and it would call me. It was as if I needed the icing on top of the cake that I had already consumed. I wanted more. I wanted the intimacy...as false as it was. I wanted the validation, as degrading as it was. I would go to all lengths to get the need met. No money changed hands, but I was selling myself short. I was selling myself for a quick fix to solve any emotional response that came up within me. If I felt anger, joy, sadness, despair...any emotion...I would go and find pleasure.

Now I have come to realize that the need for validation, and intimacy are legitimate but not in regards to getting them through anonymous sexual encounters. But I also realize that looking back, there were few people who could or would understand what I was going through...or who felt safe for me to share this with. Who wants to hear about another sexual fall, or getting drunk or high and then spending hours on the street, sleeping with who ever took a fancy for you or took initiative to pursue you.

Little did I know that Jesus was there. He was with me, walking with me, knocking at my heart. Yet no one shared that with me...no one called me on my behavior, no one asked how are you "really doing"...instead of just accepting my "fine" as written in stone.

I learned the hard way...I had to come to the end of my rope...myself...and with Jesus knocking a little harder than the world.

I know now that Jesus was teaching me by the holy spirit that I needed to live life different, that I needed to feel the emotions, rather than, quickly numb it through sex. I needed to feel. I needed to feel intense pain, in order to heal, to grieve, to mourn, to then be able to stand, dance, rejoice.

So how does one do that...how does one take a stand for themselves and say no more. No more will I sell myself for a quick fix?

Where do we fit in with that person?

Where do you fit in with me?

Are you willing to go deep with someone, are you willing to die for someone, are you willing to give till it hurts, care about someone till you weep uncontrollably? Are you willing to risk having them be a part of your life, your family? Are you willing to be robbed, cheated, spit at, scorned? Are you willing to be Christ in the flesh?

I think we have it backward as Christ followers. Yes, we are Christ followers, but as we follow, do we obey? Do we do the things we are called to do, so we feel good? Do we do the things we do because it looks good? Or are we getting messy? Are we following Christ or being like him? We are called to be Christ, to finish the work he started.

In looking inward, I have a long, long way to go, in taking risks, in stepping out into the boldness that Christ has birthed within me. I hear him speaking to me and it scares the life out of me...and it should. IT SHOULD! I should not be afraid to die. Die to my own flesh, my own desires and wants. I am selfish, that is my sinful, worldly nature. I care far too much about my life.

Western living...hmmm, we (me included) have been programmed to think, if we don't have this or that, we are less than.

I wonder sometimes when I see the public school systems under attack, gangs, shootings, prostitution, bullying and I wonder...where the hell are the Christian's? Oh, excuse me, they are in private Christian schools or being home schooled...far away from the evil of the public realm...are they being trained to be the SALT and the LIGHT? Are they actually living out their faith, making it real to themselves through being involved in those from other cultures, faiths and denominations? Are we training our children to walk the walk and talk the talk? Are we showing them what life is like on the outside of our comfortable homes, with little risk?

Maybe, I think about these things, write about these things because I live in the inner city, and see little change? I see few people standing up, and I am scared that it might be me, who is being called to take a stand...and then realize that yes, Christ is calling me to make MERCY and JUSTICE my friend. To be the extender of grace, yet call forth justice against drug dealers, slum landlords, corrupt cops, politicians and AAAHHH, it scares the crap out of me, because I feel so insignificant. I don't have the letters behind my name or government credentials, so who will listen to me?

Paula and I have been praying about a vision for our lives as a couple and we have one. To feed the hungry, to bind up the broken hearted, to look after widows and orphans and to set captives free. What a vision! We do all this as we surrender ourselves before our maker, our King and say...use us Lord! No matter what it looks like or feels like. Because it is not about us...it is about you, who have commissioned us and called us forth, to lay down our lives and serve.

We are praying for a home...a sanctuary that we can house people. We are calling forth a mansion on a hill top. We are calling for it, we are boldly asking for it. A very good friend sent me this verse today, and I wept as I read it...

“I am the Lord”, he says, “and there is no other. I publicly proclaim bold promises.
I do not whisper obscurities in some dark corner so that no one can understand what I mean.
And I did not tell the people of Israel to ask me for something I did not plan to give.
I, the Lord, speak only what is true and right.”

Isaiah 45:18b – 19

God, we boldly ask for that which you have promised for us...a home, an inheritance for our children, refuge, and our daily bread.

I pray that you who read this may feel inspired to join us in a revolution...a counter culture way of life...because the one who inspired us...was just that!

To fear or not to fear, that is the question

2007-08-14T01:07:00.001-05:00

This is a photo of the Mamba, one of the worlds tallest roller coasters and fastest drop speed...and yes...I went on it a few weeks ago.

I have never been on a roller coaster, and this one was the first. At one point, as I waited in line, I thought...where is the nearest exit, but then I also knew I would regret not doing it. So I boarded the car, did up my seat belt and off we went, at least most of me did.

A friend sat beside me, looking at me, asking me if I was scared...uh huh! I could barely get words out of my mouth...he told me to look over and around the sky...um, nope...it was not possible, as I gripped the bar with all my might, as I squeezed my eyes as tight as possible and as I tried to get breath into my lungs. I couldn't breath...I was gripped by fear. I was paralized with fear for the first time in my 40 years of life. Never before had I ever felt this way. I could not move, could not speak, could not open my eyes. All I knew was that we kept going higher and higher...and all of this took place within seconds. Then there was a slight pause...I knew we made it to the top...and even now as I write this, I feel that tingling in my belly button, that weird sensation, much like swinging too high on a swing.

How could I have been so daft as to think I could do this...I am going to perish!

But no, I didn't...the pause was ended by a vertical drop, as I opened my mouth, a groan was all that was heard...what sounded like a death cry...the last utterance of sound...the only sound I could make. I fixate on the sound, because, I thought it would be a girly scream, but no, this came from the depths of my being.

In close to 2 minutes the ride was over, I felt like I was over. Glad to have done it, but realizing that never again, do I need to face that fear, or want to. See, I am afraid of heights. I have always been. Don't ask me when it began, for I cannot remember, all I know is that this man is still afraid of heights. What I can say is this, that I have been on one of the tallest roller coasters and faced a giant fear. I did it. Bought the T-shirt and don't ever need to do the Mamba again.

We did however do 2 more coasters, one a wooden one (which shook us all up) and then one that is inverted...you are hooked from the top and sit in a bucket chair...feet dangling in the air...it was the girly scream ride...the whole time...but one I would do again.

Someone said that if I faced that fear, I can also face marriage...

I am looking forward to that day...nearly upon us, when two are one, and life is working toward goals to serve one another. Living on the less traveled path, knowing there is bumps and turns, branches to look out for, yet doing it with someone who is your best friend and someone you can't see yourself without...for the rest of your life.

It is good...all good.

calgary

2007-07-08T00:53:00.000-05:00

so, the journey so far has led us through manitoba, saskatchewan...where we stayed the night at 3 different homes, arriving late yesterday night and then basically going in, finding the bedroom, falling asleep. it was a good journey thus far. we laughed, and laughed, and cried a bit, as we listened to some teaching from the exodus conference. that seems like a month ago, when in reality it was 2 weeks ago. i enjoyed the exodus conference this year, as i served them by being on the prayer time. i found my niche, or my passion. being there, connecting with specific people was amazing and i met some wonderful people who are living life as best as they can in a culture that says they are not valued or that they are denying themselves. how odd it is for those who have chosen the path toward God, laying down their own fleshly desires to actually take up the cross and follow after their king...their savior, their love! the world sees it as foolish, that we are being brainwashed and yet if we look at it from our eyes, we can say the same things...we can say that the world is brainwashing those to enter a lifestyle that often brings unfullfillment. i met a lot of unhappy people, who would claim happiness, yet looking closer, there is so much unhappiness, sex filled with drugs, alcohol, one partner, lover after another, trying to fill that void. trying to find that "right one" that will fill the loneliness, the emptiness, the deep longings. i speak with experience. i too was there, searching to find that thing the someone to fill my insecurities, my hurts, my loneliness. that person to affirm me.

now looking forward, i know the one that truly affirms me, the one who loves me, fills that emptiness, that loneliness, the longings. it is my heavenly king, my father, my all in all. as cheesy as that may sound to some people, it has brought me a sense of stability, a deep knowing that i am loved, and that i am okay. i do not need anyone to complete me, but God has brought someone into my life who will share the load, who will walk with me, who is christ in the flesh. i have many people who have been christ to me, but this one is different, she is my opposite. this week, i get to see God move in her, as she allows him to minister to her, drawing her, wooing her unto himself...for I come second to God, who is her first love...and i am thankful for that. i am thankful that i do not need to lean into her for completion and she need not lean into me, yet we support one another with love and we encourage one another, love one another.

we are in calgary, part of the living waters leadership training conference and this year i am an assistant small group leader and i am looking forward to it. i am reminded of my need for God to be my everything, he is the one who speaks and i hear his voice for his sheep know their masters voice. i pray that this will go deeper, that as i am willing to be his hands, feet, that he will minister to me in ways that he want to. that i will be willing to listen.

well, it is late, and tomorrow will be a long day, a day of newness, challenges all their own, and i focus on tomorrow, tomorrow. i give thanks for today and the brightness of the sky, the breeze that cooled us, and the way God moves in time. he is my lover, the one that ravishes my heart, and i long to dwell in his sanctuary. i am thankful for the blessings he pours out, the gift of love, joy, peace and power.

If i can i will blog a wee bit during the week, but have no idea if there is access there. please pray for strength and humility.
please pray that God will bless financially, as my support is not 100% and paula and i have been praying for a home to purchase, before the prices rise to a place where we will not be able to afford. we cherish you and pray a blessing over you.

faithful

2007-06-14T18:46:00.001-05:00

Today, as I waited on the Lord, I asked him to remind me of his blessing, and his faithfulness. I was tired today, feeling a bit empty and felt the need to wait on him. So the day went by...

...Pea and I went to meet with a wedding photographer and he is the best in Manitoba...okay, probably in Canada and I knew him and his wife from years ago...but that is years ago.
We met at his studio...the woman at the front desk greeted us with recognition...and realized our connection was Soul.

Then we met the photographer, and it was so comfortable, easy, we listened, taking it all in and getting excited...and for me I knew that he is so out of our range...yet, as a missionary, just gave a figure to God, one that we could afford and one we could do within our budget. After sharing our heart and our passion, he did a quote and we got blessed, all I will say is that God showed me his faithfulness and his blessing. He reminded me of that through this photographer...through the watching of Pea's face, through her tears after we left the building, as we shared our thankfulness. We left with grateful hearts. This is huge for us...this is new for us...this is beautiful. I keep seeing flowers bloom, I keep seeing Pea's face light up, and another part of her blossoms. It is really incredible and wonderful.

So we are getting ready, we are loving this time, even through wedding stresses, we sit back and think...wow...God you are faithful...and will Bless those who honor you and give you the glory.

I am excited that a few friends from a distance are coming...okay...way excited. I miss them and am looking forward in seeing them and celebrating with them. The day will be amazing and wonderful.

The social is June 23rd...email me for tickets...that will be a party you do not want to miss.

dream home

2007-06-10T16:37:00.000-05:00

So today we saw our dream home. This picture is not the home, but it is similar. I stumbled across it yesterday, when I was out looking for a article of furniture for the upcoming social. I was driving home, saw the open house sign and went and just walked through with my chin dropping on the floor. It was perfect size, location and style. The garden is a dream! The decor screamed our names. The home was tastefully decorated with many art pieces and it just fed into what I have dreamed for. We have prayed about windows and having lots of light, and that was also something the house had plenty of. It was also priced 20 grand more than what we can afford, and will likely go 20 grand higher than the listing price. So we sat and prayed about the home, and just offered it back to God.
I know myself and how I tend to compare, and I know that each home we look at I will compare to this one. I need to lay that down and offer up, rather, praise to God that he is doing a new thing. That he has blessed us and will continue to guide our steps and direction. He knows the plans for us, and they are not to cause us harm. So we continue to work on our debt load, and get that down. We know that planning a family is key for us and we are looking at that as a big possibility after the honeymoon. Honeymoon...now there is another thing...we can take a week off after the wedding, and we also know that my cousin is getting married in February and so we may look at taking a trip to where they live and be there for the wedding. Who knows right now. It depends on many different things that need to fall into place for us.
We can stay where I am and live here for awhile and pay off much...and put aside a little. I may be wise to stay put a year. But we also know the market is going crazy here and the interest rates will rise. So the broker has said...it could be wise to get something now. If we can get a student, then that would help.
Well, we continue to press forward, praising God for what he is doing in our lives and our hearts. I do tend to get the stresses every once in awhile and it did finally hit me the other day and I got a cold that knocked me out for a couple of days. I feel a little better today, but am focusing on plenty of sleep and proper food. Loading up on garlic and more garlic.
We are studying Ephesians and so this past week, I read the book and today, focused my attention on really studying chapter one. God adopted me, he chose me. I look at that whole image of adoption, which is much more thought out than a planned birth. It is actually saying, I choose this child, regardless of it's background or upbringing. It is healing, and I look at my sister and brother in law and their two adopted children and I see how much they love them, and it is a picture of God to me. How God loves us regardless of our past or present failures. That he accepts us as his sons and daughters. i pray that that knowledge will go deep within my heart, and pray that also for you as you read. That the full revelation of how much God loves us and how He has chosen us will go deep within you. I pray that wisdom and revelation and complete understanding will come as God has said he will give that to us when we ask for that.

Peace to you...

Trying to win me back!

2007-06-01T16:55:00.000-05:00

AAAAAHHHHH!!!!!

So today, I get a call...

CH-"Hello, is this Kenny Warkentin (or as best as they can pronounce it)?"
Kenny-"Yes"
CH-"Kenny, I am calling representing Columbia House, and we value you as a customer and noticed that you have decided to end your subscription. We would like to win you back with this special offer....blah...blah...blah...how about it Kenny? What kind of movies to you watch?"
Kenny-"Well, actually, I am taking a moral stand, with Columbia House and have decided to not be a customer of yours because you sell pornographic movies."
CH-"What, I did not know we sold porn!"
Kenny-"Yes, you send offers to peoples homes with their selection of the month catalogue, and I have decided to take a stand on your policy regarding the distribution of pornographic material."
CH-"Well, okay, thanks very much, good bye."

Interesting...very interesting!
It was a good feeling to actually talk with someone again who works at Columbia House, voicing an opinion that goes contrary to what they may feel is right or wrong. Pornography is a huge problem in our society and I do not care if you are Christian or not. This is not just a Christian issue, it is a cultural issue. Too many people are becoming addicted to Porn and it is wrecking our society. Too many women and men are being abused, used and then thrown away in the Porn business.
Stand up, against pornography! It is not just explicit sex movies, or magazines, it is anything that expresses itself with sexual images. Advertising, movies, billboards...think about it as you drive or walk in the mall. It is time to open our eyes and see what we are doing to our society and our culture.

Just a thought today!

Enjoy the weekend. Enjoy the sun, creation and those people in your life.

Peace.

Porn...when is it going to end?

2007-05-18T10:53:00.000-05:00

Dear Columbia House

Editor Winnipeg Free Press

Lately there has been an increase in reporting issues on sexuality in our culture. It has been amazing actually in the way things are being talked about, especially via your newspaper. People are free to talk about sexual addictions and the problems and come from that.

Yesterday, I was disturbed. I recently subscribed to the Columbia House DVD program and was shocked when I opened my mailing from them and found an insert that promoted the sale of pornography. I phoned them the next day to ask that I do not wish to have pornographic material sent to me via them. I have chosen not to have pornography in my home. I work with men and women who are trying to overcome their addictions to pornography and have seen the affects that porn has on adults. Most of them, this problem began as children, being exposed to pornography just by chance. This is the letter that I wrote to them.

"I am disturbed to find that you sent out pornography choices in the recent catalogue mailing (happy feet). It disturbs me that Columbia House as resorted to make money through the pornography industry. With problems increasing with sexual addiction in our society, it pains me to see this coming from you. You introduced pornographic material into my home. That is not acceptable in my opinion. I have chosen not to have material such as that enter my home and you purposefully included that in the mailing, with no regard. I will not support your company in this way and will reflect my choice and feelings with those whom I know and work with.

I work with men and women, who are struggling to overcome sexual addiction, some of whom have seen pictures as children and thus began a life long addiction. So I find it disturbing that you would promote pornography, for the sake of money and wealth and in the process partner with broken families, ruined lives and life long addictions.

I believe that you as a company can stand for righteousness and not play in to the denigration of our culture today."

With the issues of sexual addiction on the rise in our culture and the break down of marriages/partnerships dues to these addictions, I find it appalling that a large organization that reaches the homes of millions would include pornographic material. Especially into homes that include children. I believe as a society, we can stand and make a difference. Stand up and say no to large mail out organizations like Columbia House Canada. The woman I talked to said that some people want those mailings and so that is why they send them out. Yet, they did not ask me if I wanted pornographic material sent to me, they just sent it with no regard for my standard that I have set for myself, I wonder where our society is headed? So if I wrote in to Columbia House and asked them to send me material on bestiality, would they send that too me, or will it be included in a mail out? It is appalling to me. This has not happened just to me, as I shared this with a co-worker, she told me the same thing happened to a family member who phoned in and complained to them. They assured this person that they would never send out pornographic advertising. Interesting that this happened last year and surprise, they do send out material.

We have a problem in our society that says anything goes, regardless of who is harmed and I take a stand on this issue. I have seen too many men and women injured emotionally, and marriages destroyed due to the pornography industry, when is enough, enough and when will people stand up and shout that they are not going to take it anymore.

Sincerely, a man willing to stand up for other men and women and the children who are in the end the ones that suffer the most.

Kenny

Who do we listen to?

2007-04-20T15:24:00.000-05:00

What strikes me in this photo is the image of hurt, shame, pain, of someone who is being hurt by another.

Interestingly enough, the last few weeks have brought an array of emotions, and I have had to face the fact that I often do not listen to the right person, especially in my relating to others.

There is a special someone in my life who I love beyond measure, who is tender, caring, who has the beauty of a flower blossoming after a cold and dreary winter. With that love, there comes a vulnerability in communicating, listening and just sacrificial loving. It is looking beyond myself and what I want and deserve and it is loving them beyond what I want to get back or think I need to get back. It is in a sense a maturing of how I see love. I am not perfect..."yep...I am not...can you picture that?" But I am willing to learn, grow and express love to this woman in ways I have never before. It is standing up as a man, taking leadership seriously, and learning to give.

I am also learning to listen to others, and more importantly God. We cannot rely on listening to just our feelings as that does not dictate to us who we are, or how we should behave or act out in. Who are we in God's eyes? Who does he say we are as his children? How should then we respond? Often we have a feeling and really...does it line up to what God says of us? Does it go contrary to the Word of God? For years, I labeled myself, and I walked in just how I felt. I did all that I could to "feel good" and to not feel anything contrary to pleasure. Now as I look back on the past 2 years and especially the last 6 months, I see that listening to the word of God, listening to who I am, regardless of how I feel, has brought about a measure of maturity that otherwise I would not have. I do not have it all together and make mistakes and will continue to, but my desire is to listen to God.

Listening to others is also beneficial in all areas of our lives. We have gone away from the "ask your elders" mentality. Rather we decide what is best for us...and that is it...period! There is no need to ask anyone for advice or their opinion...because we can do it all by ourselves, because in reality, we are individuality driven. I am learning to walk in community with others, to seek out Godly wisdom and advice from others. Do I accept everything...hmmm, not right away. I weigh that wisdom out, in terms of, does it line up to the Word of God? Does it go contrary to what God is saying? Lately, I have received much wisdom from people and it has been God directed. It is pushing me toward God and my relationship with him.

So life keeps on getting more interesting and fascinating to me. It brings about challenges and growing experiences and I welcome all of those different facets into my life. Someone that I know shared with me how I must just like excitement in my life, at all times. I had to think about that and I would agree that I like life to be exciting, because that is what life is about. When you start taking risks and starting thinking a bit on the edge, you begin living differently. I would say that I enjoy living on the edge, much like Jesus did. HE was radical, edgy and wow, the things he did, saw and experienced is for us here on earth as well. Embrace it, live it and enjoy it.

the way is pretty narrow, can you walk it?

2007-03-28T00:46:00.000-05:00

I have talked about the road less traveled and the way of the cross. Tonight we spoke with a group of skaters. They requested that we come in and talk about the issues of homosexuality and what they can do in terms of relating to friends who have come out to them.

It was good, to talk to them, relate to them that regardless…you love your friends. Why is it so hard to love others? Authentically? Without pretense? Without judgement?

If we take the stand that in the end of days, it will not be us who stand doing the judging rather that of God, the eternal Father. He will judge us according to the things we have done here on earth. How we have chosen to live and experience life. I remember full well when that reality of truth entered my being.

It was a process of days, weeks, months, years, that brought about this realization, into full context for me. I believe that God gently woos us with his love. He is a respecter of people and will not force himself upon a person. Rather, he gently guides.

I remember traveling to and from Vancouver, when I lived in Langley. One day, the sunrises struck me with awe. Then it was the sunsets that struck me. I remember commenting all the time at how they looked. It was really amazing actually. At times, I would just sit quietly looking in amazement at this wonderful creation experience. Each sunset and sunrise was different, often bringing about a different expression of love. Deep down, I knew that God was doing something. You can suppress God and the things he is doing, and your heart becomes cold and hardened. I had done that. I forgot about him. I forgot to take delight in the things he was showing me and trying to teach me. I was walking in rebellion to how he wanted me to live. In the midst of that rebellion however, I learnt a lot about life. God has shown me that he was there in the midst of the rebellion...waiting for me to decide.

Rebellion feels good for a while. You get a feeling of invincibility. You don’t think of the consequences of your actions, rather, you live for the moment, getting your pleasures met. We are living in a world where rebellion is a common practice. Theology is twisted to meet our needs, our wants and our desires. I once took great delight in the way it proved that the way I wanted to live made sense, rather than the more narrow way of God. Did I seek God in how I wanted to live? Did I pray that the holy spirit would direct my course?

In the end God continued to draw me and love me, regardless of the choices I had made. I started to dream dreams, and started to feel a deep unsettling in my inner man and realized that I could not go on any more in my quest to meet my own needs and desires the way I wanted them met.

I believe fully that God is shaking up his people, beginning in the church and extending outward. I believe that we are in the last days, and God is a jealous God. He wants to be in relationship with his people. He wants us to know him.

Life is but a breath compared to eternity and I desire to be seeking after God in all I do. In all the actions and plans that have to be made, I desire God to be the head of those plans.

Often times, the world will look at these thoughts and laugh. I have been listening to an artist named Misty Edwards and she sings a song about Noah, and these days are like Noah’s days. People will laugh at us when we choose God and the things he calls us to do. When we fast and pray, people will not understand! When we look to serve and give way past our means. When we lay down our lives for another. When we lay down our own fleshly desires to follow after God and His desires. It is foolish to the ways of the world. Yet, I am not apart of the world. I am an alien to the world. I am here to do God’s will. To serve him.

It sounds like life would be zero fun, yet, there is much joy and peace knowing that God is in control of everything.

So I continue to walk the narrow path. Trusting that no matter what, God in his love for me, his child will guide me and protect me and provide for my every need.

Rend my heart

2007-03-18T23:44:00.000-05:00

Joel 2:12 "Even now," declares the Lord, "Return to me with all your heart, with fasting and weeping and mourning." Rend your heart (which means turn so radically from sin that it causes discomfort) and not your garments. Return to the Lord your God, for he is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and abounding in love, and he relents from sending calamity. Who knows? He may turn and have pity and leave behind a blessing, grain offerings and drink offerings for the Lord your God.
Blow the trumpet in Zion, declare a holy fast, call a sacred assembly. Gather the people, consecrate the assembly; bring together the elders, gather the children, those nursing at the breasts. Let the bridegroom leave his room and the bride her chamber. Let the priests who minister before the Lord, weep between the temple porch and the altar. Let them say, "Spare your people, O Lord. Do not make your inheritance an object of scorn, a byword among the nations. Why should they say among the peoples, "where is their God?"

Tonight, I finished the book Rewards of Fasting by Mike Bickle and Dana Candler. It is challenged me and made me realize that my life needs to be different. I want it to be different. I am so prone to Western Christianity...this feel good, pleasure seeking society. I am a sinner, yes saved by grace, but a sinner still. I fail miserably in devotions, prayer and battle doing things on my own, rather than in community with others. I want to see God move in dramatic ways in my life, because I want to be a willing servant of my most high God. I long to see the bridegroom come. But that takes effort...on our behalf. Complacency and apathy does not line up with the end time church. I do not want that...I want to be prepared when the things of this earth get even more evil, I want to know how to respond to those who cry out.

I believe there will come a day when we will see things so evil that it will cause us to cry out in fear, but I want to be prepared...to walk in the power of the Holy Spirit, to move in the gifts that Jesus is pouring out on his bride. I felt this fear...while living on the coast. I did not know how to express it with words, but I knew that there was something stirring in the heavenlies and I believe God moved in my life to change my direction and my course in life. If we believe everything is controled by God then I believe that he directed my path.

I want to press in, now more than anything, to forsake all else and follow after him. What does that mean to forsake all else? Everything that takes us away from serving God. Everything in our life is about him! It is serving, giving, loving and seeking to lay down our lives for others. It is a challenging and difficult path, one that is not chosen by many, but I desire to be one of those that does that. To enter into a new race...with much training and experiences.

What will this look like? Not sure at the moment...seeking God in where he is going to take this desire that is in my heart. I am praying for many things and how it will come about, I leave that to the one in control.

Jehovah...I love you and seek to walk in the way you walked, in laying down my life for others, to serve, to be the lowest of the low, to trust my Heavenly Father and seek his face in all that I do. To spend time prayer and fasting. To give away everything and not count it as loss, but gain. Lord teach me, strengthen me, for you are good, you have only good for me, even in the dark moments. You are my light and my salvation in whom shall I fear. You hold me in your grip and so I have nothing to be afraid of. Even when temptations and evil surround me to kill me and eat me up, you will cause that to fall away in a mess. I will not fear and I will be confident. I will seek you and dwell with you and look upon your beauty...all the days of my life.
amen

Throne Room

2007-03-18T00:17:00.000-05:00

Today is day 20. I cannot believe it has been 20 days. How strange it is not to eat, not to do things the same as before. To rely on God for everything, especially to sustain you and strengthen you. It says that he will strengthen us in our weakness and sustain us. So that is my hearts cry even more as I go forward.
Things have not been over the top crazy in terms of prayer times and so today, I really wanted to press in. To go deeper than I have been. So the book I am reading suggested to pray in the spirit for an hour. I was like...you have to be kidding. But I was interested in trying it and within 10 minutes was a sobbing mess. I continued to pray and cry and then would wait to receive from God. I sensed that I was in the throne room of God. Standing before him, as he sat on the throne. It was like I was pleading my case, telling him everything I had done and I felt so much remorse. I felt an overwelming feeling of being deeply repentant. God then wrapped his arms around me and placed his cheek on my head and just held me. Like a father would hold his crying son, My Father held me. He held me secure, and I sobbed all the more, knowing that no matter what I had done, He loved me. He cared for me and would not leave me. Time passed. Everytime I tried to speak, it was just sobs. So I just relaxed in the presence.
A peace came over me and I sat there, in silence, knowing that something amazing had just taken place. I cannot explain it better than this. It was personal, sweet and something that I will remember. I long to experience more of that. To take the time to know that my Father in heaven loves me and will enlarge my heart to take in more of his love.

So the fast, I have been surrounded by food, by people apologizing and saying they are sorry that I am not eating, or apologize that they are eating. Hunger left after about day 10. It is strange not to eat, and to be satisfied by time spent in the word and in prayer. I have a yearning to serve and do things for others. So I step out in that in little ways. God is doing a good work...and he will not stop until it is completed and I am a willing vessel.

I sense a newness, a refreshing and a joy that will spring forth. I welcome it God. I welcome your ways and patiently wait for your blessings.

Remembering

2007-03-14T22:58:00.000-05:00

Last night I came home from Living Waters and spent some time praying and my mind was on a man that I know in the hospital and I had the sense to pray and lift him up to the Lord. I thanked the Lord for this man, but I also prayed that God would comfort him and bring him peace, that when the time was right to take him home. That Jesus would welcome him into the kingdom. I planned on seeing him tonight, but also had a feeling that I would not see him again. I cried. The emotions flooded to the surface and I knew that God was right there with this man. The next day I got the message, that he had passed on the night before.
So today I remember that friend. I knew him for a short time and today I thought it was way to short, but in looking back, God brought that friend into my life to teach me many wonderful things about life, relationships and strength of character. You see, he is now rejoicing in heaven, with his wonderful saviour, friend and Father. I look at his life with awe and amazement. He experienced much, and so he loved much. We would sit together sharing moments of laughter and sorrow and often through excruciating pain. We watched musicals and shared our stories. He would ask me many questions about faith and God and grace. He was eager to understand and often doubted...much like Thomas, and so Jesus allowed Thomas to feel his nail pierced hands. I believe that this gentle man, was given that same blessing from Jesus as he entered into the throne room of the most high King. I am thankful for the many wonderful things I learnt from him and will miss him. I think of the joys of gardening that he had and the long walks and yet how hard it was for him to enjoy even that. The picture here, is what he would have loved to look at and frolic in. He would have handled the flowers with care and tended it with much love.

It is hard too, I know that he is in heaven, he is free of pain and suffering, yet I miss his smile, his warm hugs as he thanked me for giving him care and looking after the little things. For taking the time to just listen to him, I will miss those times most of all. Strange how death works, especially for those who you know will find greater comfort not to be in their earthly bodies.

I am blessed to work at a place that provides such amazing care and support for those who live and breath in the home. I often say to people that Monday is my favourite day of the week. It is not a hardship to do a double shift of to rush from one job to the other, it is a blessing to me. To share Christ in practical ways. To cook, clean and love others.

So to the men and women, to the Director, the staff, volunteers who give and give over and above what is asked or called for, I pray God will bless you and strengthen you. He cherishes each and everyone of you. He sees your heart and is glad. I pray that our Father will comfort and give you all peace that knows no end.

...and thank you Jesus, for welcoming our brother into your kingdom...

amen
I love you!

disciples

2007-03-09T16:29:00.000-06:00

Sometimes I feel like escaping to the moon...in time like these I like to be reminded of what life is really like and that I am not cracking up crazy!!!

I am quoting the following from the book "Starving Jesus" by craig gross and j.r. mahon
This list serves as a guide for all that I am and all that I need to be:

A disciple doubts
A disciple deceives
A disciple denies
A disciple forgets
A disciple fears
A disciple changes lives
A disciple is arrogant
A disciple denies himself
A disciple believes Jesus is savior
A disciple heals
A disciple leads
A disciple hides
A disciple is human
A disciple loves
A disciple protects
A disciple protects
A disciple is radical
A disciple gives his life for others
A disciple dies for faith
A disciple sins
A disciple is called to be a disciple
A disciple falls away from Christ
A disciple prays
A disciple leads people to Christ
A disciple gets in the grill of others
A disciple has little faith
A disciple has no attachment to religion
A disciple will write
A disciple will teach
A disciple will lie
A disciple will tell the truth
A disciple forgives
A disciple asks for forgiveness
A disciple rants
A disciple travels
A disciple fasts
A disciple questions
A disciple hopes
A disciple gets angry
A disciple does not worry
A disciple worries
A disciple likes money
A disciple doesn't worry about money
A disciple has friends
A disciple has a church
A disciple gives up

This list sums a lot up, and for me, I'd like to be taking and adding to this list daily. It keeps me humble. Does anyone have anything to add to the list?

Supply me

2007-03-08T23:28:00.001-06:00

Supply me my every need, my ever want and my every desire. There is nothing greater than you and nothing that can satisfy, quite like you. God my God, my one and only. When life seems to fade by and there seems no hope in anything, you oh God supply my every need. You give to me that which seemed dead and gone.

Today was hard, my body fades quickly today as I went about my job, yet I was thankful that I was sitting at a desk. But concentrating on emailing responses was difficult. It was hard to give structure to my thoughts. Front line ministry, so crying out was good, to just pray for more of him and less of me. I am realizing many things about myself and I find it interesting that fasting will do this. It strips away everything until you are bare, rare and naked. Asking the Holy Spirit to reveal everything that seperates you from God. It is radical, crazy thinking. Some people don't get it, they think...Kenny, you are crazy stupid! But I look at things differently, we are a culture which lacks discipline and resolve. Sure some people have it, but we are normally just keeping ourselves busy, doing things, going places, being around people, things and what have you. We are gorging ourselves in what ever pleases us and gives us pleasure. I know, I know, I have probably said that all before. But it keeps coming up.

What I am finding out is how selfish I am. How incredibly selfish I am in getting my needs met, no matter what. In lack of discipline, especially in spiritual areas. There are areas in my life which I wish were different, and so I slowly start putting in place things that can help. One of those things is getting advice from others...always a good thing. We never will arrive here on earth and so we will never have all the answers and we can always gain understanding and wisdom from others.
I am reading Acts (apparently, if you read 10 chapters of the new testiment a day, you will read through the entire new testiment in a month) and it is incredible the things that the disciples were doing. It gets me thinking about today. What is so different? As I prayed this morning, a piece of a song popped into my head "and in the days Noah, people laughed and jeered, and when the rains came falling, it's too late". It is kinda like that now in society. You mention God or living a set apart, holy life and people laugh at you. Take for instance the fact that at one point I lived as a gay man. I stopped fighting and just lived life...with no regard for God, I threw in the towel. Now somepeople would say..."but Kenny, you where born that way, or Kenny, you are finally yourself", well, I think that for me, I just chose the easy way out, I stopped believing the truth, and started to believe all the things "people" started teaching me. Now realizing the truth, it is interesting how at times life can be difficult and challenging. Why? Because life was meant to be challenging and difficult. Why do we have the Psalms? Why is it that there are verses like Psalm 27:1-3

The lord is my light and salvation, in whom shall I fear, The Lord is my stronghold in whom shall I be afraid, when evil men advance against me to devour my flesh, when my enemies and my foes attack me, they will stumble and fall. though an army besiege me, my hear will not fear, though war break out against me, even then will I be confident.

It does not say...if, it says WHENand THOUGH. When evil men advance, When my enemies, though an army!!! So these struggles will come, it will be like an army advancing against us and yet, in that we need not be afraid, nor fearful and we can stand in confidence. Why? Because we can dwell in the house of the Lord forever. God is always there. So why wouldn't God just get rid of our enemies or the struggles in our life? In these struggles we rush to him. It is admitting our humanity and rushing to God. Isn't that self centered of God? Well, actually...not really. God knows that we will run to this and to that...rather than run to him. Even when we have learnt things once, we will still run away from God...if given a chance. So I think he allows things to happen, so we mature and grow. So that we can rely on him, rather than ourselves. It is like a loving father who cares for his children. Who teaches them the ways of life. God is teaching us the ways of life...and eventually eternal life.

So are you ready? Are you ready to face God? Are you willing to stop how you are living and seek after God, regardless of what that looks like to others? Are you willing to lay aside your own agenda and seek after holiness and purity? God doesn't want the lukewarm, he wants us hot and heavy. I challenge you to cry out to God and ask him to teach you what it means to live a life sold out to him.

Boston Pizza

2007-03-04T23:33:00.000-06:00

Last year, on the way to the Exodus Freedom Conference, we stopped in Boston, well, drove through the downtown area and we where hungry. We had been looking for a place to eat and most places where closed already for the evening (it was 11 pm). I remember feeling frustrated during the drive, feeling my hunger and knowing my sugar level was plummeting and I was feeling rather grumpy...okay, I was just plain irritated. I was driving and everyone seemed just interested in sight seeing, and I couldn't see a thing, I was too busy trying to drive and pay attention. I could hear the irritation in some of the voices, as if I was supposed to know where I was! I remember feeling tired and alone. Strange to feel alone in a car full of people, and I wanted comfort and I wanted to eat. We finally stopped the van and car and when I got out, I felt relieved. Feeling the freedom of being out of the van, walking instead of driving and being able to relax and just unwind. We finally stumbled upon this small restaurant. We ordered deep dish pizza's (Boston style) and when they came, they were more than I could have dreamed of. Deep dish...incredible! Packed with cheese and vegetables and meat. Man it was good.

Looking back at that moment, I can see how little time I spent giving over my frustration to God. Did I allow him in to that moment or did I just go in my own strength (or weakness for that matter). God was there, but was an onlooker. I did not invite him to walk that experience with me. Sure, I was thankful to him for the Pizza and remember giving thanks to him. I think much like the Israelites, how they always questioned or forgot about God in the very times when they needed him, and then when God rescued them and blessed them, then they remembered.

As, I walk through this fast, today was a day of quietness, I spent it by going to church, then going home and getting a call from my brother who wanted to go out with me in the afternoon. It was good to spend time with him and chat about life and what is happening with him. I am leary of telling him that I am fasting, and really do not want to. As we shopped around for things that he needed, I looked at this and that and bought a few things, and sitting at home later, realizing that some of the things I bought, I really did not need. Looking back, I wonder how many times, I acknowledged God throughout the day. Sure, when the hunger pains hit or I thought about food, I would try and focus on asking God to fill me. I am wrestling with my desire for more of God and less of me. I have lived for so long endulging in getting my needs met...to comfort myself...to do things on my own. Yet in reality, as I sit having not eaten for a while, I realize the futility of my ways...of how I used to fill my time with just things or I would eat. There was little relating to others, or getting out of my comfort zone. I used to like weekends...because when there was nothing planned I could do what I pleased and just relax. Now, it is as if I wish the weekends did not exist. I see how little I do, and how little I serve and how little I relate to others. Maybe it is just the place I am in. I do know that I persevere on things, especially thinking of all the areas in my life "I need to change", and yet not sit and ask God to change me. When I do it on my own, it gets overwelming and heavy. When I sit and allow God in, and ask Him to change me, I feel at peace.

That happened at church today, as we finished communion and we prayed for one another. A friend asked...do I want prayer and I explained just what I said previous. That I needed to give that to God, because I was feeling rather overwelmed. She prayed, and big tears dropped, as I allowed God to minister to me, to say, it was okay for me to just let him do the work. To wait for him. The good work He started in me He will finish to completion. It may not be on this side of heaven, but He is faithful and true to His word.

Oh ya, I mentioned on one of my blogs that it was day 5 of lent and it is not actually, if you could shrove Tuesday that it is day 12 of lent and day 7 of the fast.
Thanks for the crew that is walking this journey with me. It is amazing to hear what God is doing in each of your lives.

Lord, watch over us, draw us near. Shelter us under the shelter of you wing. Reveal to us the magnitude of how much you love us and want for us to just allow you to move in our lives. Move in the hearts of those we pray for and Father God, capture the hearts of those who have been disillusioned by the enemy. You are amazing. Sustain us and hear our cries.
Amen

Lent...Day 5

2007-03-02T17:35:00.000-06:00

I read recently in Hebrews that during Jesus' (God incarnate) life on earth, that he offered up prayer and petitions with loud cries and tears to the one who could save him from death, and he was heard because of his reverent submission. Although he was a son, he learned obedience from what he suffered and, once made perfect, he became the source of eternal salvation for all who obey him and was designated by God to be high priest in the order of Melchizedek.

There was a light bulb moment with these verses (Heb 5:7-10) as it revealed to me that Jesus suffered on earth. That he cried out with loud cries and tears to God to save him and that he was heard because of his reverent submission.

Why did Jesus of all people have to cry out to be saved and especially in this way? It shows that he felt pain, that there was angst in him in regards to struggles or suffering that he was enduring here on earth. There is a part of me that realizes that he knows my own struggle and that he brings peace and understanding as I cry out with loud cries and tears to God to save me. I know that He has heard me and I continue to submit with reverance.

Again, it often feels like a fire raging in my body, in my mind and those are the times when I need to cry out. Be that to a person, or to God or maybe to the cats! As I have written before, we are not on the earth just to get out of life, what we think we deserve or have our pleasures met whenever we feel like it. There is discipline and there is peace with that. There is control and there is grace with that. So I continue to press in. Part of the fast for me is to gain a better understanding of my relationship with God. It is reading the word and praying that the holy spirit makes it come alive in my life. It is serving the community around me in love.

I miss eating though. Today, my finely tuned smelling device smelt some wonderfully amazing food. My body aches and I long to comfort myself. Again, press in and see that the Lord is good, and he has nothing but good for me. He is my stonghold in whom shall I be afraid. He is my salvation in whom shall I fear. He provides for the littlest of creatures and so how much more will he supply my needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus.

So I stand with the knowledge that life is not always easy, that my comfort needs to come from God. That even Christ suffered with loud cries and tears (glad to know I am not alone in that) and he understands me more than I realize.

Peace to you all!

First Day

2007-02-27T00:10:00.000-06:00

Day 1

First day of Lent, the readings brought about a confirmation of the fast and the desire to pray and eat the word.
Today, I offer God my messy house:
My desires, needs, wants.
My uncovered sin and the dust bunnies that remain.
Things that I hide away, so I do not appear to have piles.
FEARS:
I lay them down, all of them. The fear of not loving hard enough or good enough. The fears of not being enough for anyone, let alone God. Of being smothered emotionally, which stunts my ability to take risks in love. Fears that I will walk away from this healing journey and the inability to be strong enough to fight temptations. Yet am reminded that I am not strong enough and that is carried with Christ, who is my strong tower…and I can run in anytime.
I read a quote from William Willimon today in my daily Lent readings and he says this:

The needs of the world are too great, the suffering and pain too extensive, the lures of the world too seductive for us to begin to change the world unless we are changed, unless conversion of life and morals becomes our pattern.
The status quo is too alluring. The only way we shall break its hold on us is to be transferred to another dominion to be cut loose from our old certainties, to be thrust under the flood and then pulled forth fresh and new born. (in talking about baptism)

It was so impressive the read this morning, talking about laying down our lives. To begin this adventure with that reading was what I needed.

Human body wise, I feel light headed, stomach growling and my eyes are tearing a lot (no emotion, but rather my body crying out for more water or something). So I drink, drink in the water and eat the word. My mind is focused on prayer. When I think of food (and tonight at the transition home, I made enchalada’s (put ready made ones in the oven) one of my favorite foods, as well as taco salad…another BIG favorite. So I am preparing and my thoughts, where were they? Surprisingly enough, not on the food. Apart from having to get someone to taste the dressing and see if it was okay, I was surprised and then again, was I? My prayer is that God continues to be my provision, my food, my provider of all good things, especially to meet my every need (desires and wants).

Hesed is good for me, it allows me to serve in practical ways. Tonight, it was poker. Texas hold’em and it was good. They staying in, rather than go out. We laughed and laughed and laughed. Hesed is about making friends with people who are just like me. They are children of God, they are loved by the beloved. They are my brothers and sisters and I love them. I love each one of them, in spite of what the world has thrown at them, in spite of how they live out sometimes in broken ways, I love them. I adore each one. It is a challenge sometimes when life gets busy, to try and cut something out of your life…make things simple. This is one place, I will not cut out.
So today, day 1, and it seems like forever in terms of how long this will last…yet it is not that long (a bit over 10 % of the year…that’s it) So I tithe this time, of getting closer to my Heavenly Father, my King, my treasured friend. I pray for answered prayers. I pray for God’s Kingdom to come and His will be done here on earth. I cry for those I love and wish knew and tasted the fruit in which I have tasted. It is good! It is also hard and I won’t deny that. It is hard to lay aside the desires of the flesh. Yet, why would I not do that for someone I love more than life itself. This life here is but a breath, when in eternity, I put my focus.

Philippians 2:3-11

Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others. Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus:
Who being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself and became obedient to death-even death on a cross!
Therefore God exalted him to the highest place and gave him the name that is above every name, that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father.

Take this cup...

2007-02-21T23:03:00.000-06:00

Sometimes, I cry out to God...Take this cup...!
That I can no longer take this battle, this war, this fight against spirit and flesh. I know that the flesh in this world is strong. The desires, the pulls, the wants, the thoughts...they often lead me to places I no longer wish to travel to. So I stand my ground. I stand even when I do not feel like standing and I cry out to God, the giver of all good things and I cry out for mercy and grace to make it one more day.
Does this sound like I am denying myself? Does this sound like I am weak and utterly foolish? You better believe it!!! Without God, I am nothing, I am nothing. Without his saving me and leading me to a better place, I would surely have perished long ago. But He has a plan for my life, to prosper me and to bless me.
I watched the movie Jesus Camp tonight. It was well done. Do I agree with everything? No! But what I do believe is being sold out for Jesus! To deny myself, to count everything else as second best when it comes to where my heart's first desire is. Do I get it all the time and do I do it right? Nope...but I am trying. I am desiring more. What it means to lay everything down. Even when I cry out to God...to take this struggle from me...to ask him to relieve me...to seek his kingdom first.
God is doing things and shaking things up for me and leading me into a furnace...to heat it up and burn away all the crap that is still clinging on to me. When we sing refiners fire...my hearts one desire...what are we saying? We are saying...refine me, process me, take my heart, my mind and renew it, by your fire. What happens? All hell breaks loose. We feel like we are losing it at every turn. We have battles left right and center and in that we cry out to God to teach us and mold us and make us who he wants us to be. With lives that line up to his standard. With lives that line up to the word of God.
So when I cry out...take this cup...it is a cry of freedom, it is a cry of hope, it is a cry of wanting more of God and less of me.

listening

2007-01-21T22:55:00.000-06:00

So I have not been posting...I have been way too busy and it has been kinda gross to be so busy. I recently came home from TO...and ya, it was great, I met some wonderfully, ridiculously good looking people and bonded with the TO staff. They are hilarious....with hearts that match. I also got to know the Winnipeg staff better and realized what a wonderful blessing it is to work along side such amazing people...each with a different story, but with hearts bursting with love.

So does this sound a bit like a soap opera...well, maybe, but what I know right now is that their hearts are held in mine.
I came home on Tuesday and went straight to LW and ministered, then Wednesday went and saw Jesus Christ Superstar...spent a bundle on the ticket, but it was worth it and yes...saving up for things like this is great. I took a friend of mine and we watched Ted Neely sing his heart out. It brought me to tears.

So a lot has happened in the last month. I went to Kansas City and fell in love...with Jesus...all over again. He takes my breath away...he was radical way before his time and no wonder the down and out people loved him. He was rocking the boat in all the social and religious circles, and he did it all out of love. Love for humanity, love for mankind. So I love him back with everything. Even when the struggles and insecurities raise their head, I know who is watching me and guiding me down this path of life. Jesus calls me to so much more than just sitting around picking my nose...really! He says to me..."Kenny...go and live..love...and live and love!" Do it all Kenny because I loved you first.

I love the term that someone said to me that "Jesus wrecked them". Well, he did that to me. He has turned my life upside down and inside out. When I think I am not qualified...I call out to him and ask for wisdom and revelation. When the doubts and fears come, I ask for peace and joy.

This past weekend, my boss (director) and his wife went to India to celebrate their 25th wedding anniversary...and it is amazing their story of restoration...wow...WOW! So I am holding the fort so to speak and I have to say I am fearful to some degree. So the day they left, I had to work a shift at Hesed and prior to going to work I was really struggling and fighting thoughts of acting out...going for a sexual romp so to speak and I continually had to stop, cry out to God and wait in the moment. This fight has been long in coming. I have really been traveling on the coat tails of what I have learnt so far and now it is putting it into practice when the old thoughts and memories come up. Anyway, I was struggling, and I called some people and talked out what I was thinking and then I went to work at hesed and was mopping the floors....my usual routine, with bleach and water and I had flashbacks of times at specific establishments (okay bath houses) and I broke down, how much more could I take today...enough already. I stopped mopping and prayed
"God, I need some encouragement here...Hello God, can someone talk to me, call me...what ever, just help me!"
Not even 10 minutes later a resident came over and told me I was doing an amazing job and with that I nearly lost it. He blessed me beyond anything I could have hoped for, those few words I held on to...tightly.
Then another staff came over to the house and we chatted and I shared what was going on inside my head and she listened and I was so thankful for another God moment.
So, what am I saying here? What I am hopefully saying is that God answers! Sometimes, quick, sometimes slow, but he answers. I have to wait and listen.

Are things always easy? Nope and I said that right from the beginning of this journey. I have said I am taking the path less traveled. As I journey out, I do it with honesty and integrity. It is not always easy, but hey, most of us struggle with something, and I am reminded of that everyday with the people I meet and talk with and those people who are in my life.

Well, with that I bid farewell until next time. I usually do not make resolutions...and so I didn't but I have made some statements that I want to hold to this year.
That my first priority in life is my relationship with God.
My second priority is myself...taking care of my body, eating well, doing things that relax me. Spiritual, emotional and physical health...VERY IMPORTANT PEOPLE!
Third...my relationship with those in my life...who I hold dear and love!
Fourth...ministry...my job as an urban missionary.
Fifth...everything else.

What I discovered this week is that I miss home cooked meals and I need to be cooking more.
I went to a drumming recital and signed up for an 8 week class. I am SO EXCITED!

It feels good to do things for me sometimes, to actually spend an evening home alone and enjoying the company!

Until next time! Much Hugs!

Enjoying the Pain!!!!

2006-12-13T19:54:00.000-06:00

Sometimes life has a habit of bringing death. I took this picture while in Vancouver, walking along the beach in November. As I look at the picture now, I am reminded of how I am like that rose. The petals, darkened and the color gone, and falling off, revealing the seeds. The stem still yet green and vibrant.
I am like the rose. I feel like with this new life, there is a lot of death. I have had to put to death lots of things in my life in order for me to live and to truly live free. I am nothing without the vibrant green of my Father who gives me life.
Is it painful, hell yes. Awful pain sometimes. Right now I am going through that pain in a new way, a deeper way. I was saying to someone, that if it was not for who God is in my life, I would be dead right about now. Christmas is not my favorite holiday. I think it used to be in previous years, but I often feel depressed and sad. So I started to pray into this and wonder why! I try to think back at my life, as a child and wonder if there was happy memories for me at Christmas. I can't seem to find any memories. I can't seem to think of what traditions I have that I grew up with. It is sad. It is sad. It is sad. So I welcome that sadness and grieve the lose of what should have been and so I can move forward, even if that means taking baby steps, I am ready.
I have begun to do things that I love. To form my own traditions. Being single at times does not help, and there are days that I long to do this with someone else, but really, I need to know what I...Kenny I love to do. Before that happens, I feel like I am just selfish to want someone, because then I would be scared that I would be defined by that person, instead of really knowing me.
Again, there are good memories that I have as well, of stockings, sleeping in, cocktail parties and laughter after having a few martini's and enjoying getting to know people. So it is in a sense creating that for myself here.
But it still makes me sad...and I am fine with that. There will be a time when I am no longer sad and I can laugh and "be of good cheer" but right now, this is the season I am in. It may last a day, a week or a month, but I welcome this time of feeling. I welcome this time even though I feel like shit, and it's painful, because I know that this does not define me, I know that God is doing something, bringing me deeper into the knowledge of what his character is who I am in Christ. So I can come out of this with a deeper resolve, a deeper love and a deeper desire to know God at all cost.
Peace to those who are going through turmoil, sadness and grief, may God be the keeper of your soul and bring you comfort when you need comfort. May he surround you with the deep love that he gives so freely. Rest in the knowledge that God is doing a good work, even though it is painful, know that he is right there walking along side of you holding on to you with every part of his being...amen.

make my path straight

2006-11-23T17:58:00.000-06:00

Today, we put on a one day conference on gender issues. It was good. I shared and talked with people and how they can love like Christ.

I love doing that, I love it...yet, it is tiring. So I took this photo this year when my friend Jeanne came and visited me. It was good to practice taking photo's at night. I love the orange.

Today, I realized something that I have to do for me. Something that I need to address in my life, something that is hard to do, but for me, it is important.
I have taken steps this past year to focus on living a healthy life and what that means. Sometimes that means saying or doing things that may or may not make people happy, yet, there are times when you just have to do it for your own well being.
So I am not sure how that will look, or what the results of this decision will be, but I trust in God my Father that He will make my paths straight. That he will be glorified in my life. I look to him for my strength and I look to him for my guidance.
But this is short, as I am off to my life group. I enjoy this group of people, we do life together and are slowly being knit together, sharing our lives with one another. That is what it is all about.
But first, have to go feed the cats, put food in my stomach and breath for a moment or two.
If there is any prayer warriors out there...please pray for my finances. I am trusting in God to do a miracle, as I try to be a faithful steward in what he gives me.

Dreaming of more....

2006-11-22T12:13:00.000-06:00

So here are some pictures from this summer that I took, practicing with my digital camera. It is not the best camera, but I enjoy what I can do with it. I love film...and the joy of waiting for the pictures to come, but also like the instant feel with a digital. I need a bigger pixel camera, but I can wait on that. I am just enjoying this for the time being...baby steps into the realm of the digital world!!!!

Today, I am just happy to be here on earth. Life is crazy, seems like everything is falling apart in terms of my family, relations, and yet I sit back and cozy up with the cats or go for a walk and realize that I have it pretty darn good.

Things could be a whole lot worse. I could be living on the street, I could be sick, I could be alone. That for me is the biggest realization. That I am not alone. Even if I never see another person in my life, I know that God is present with me. That I cannot go anywhere without him.
I am reading "Messy Spirituality" my Michael Yaconelli and it is an amazing book. God's annoying love for Imperfect people. I thank God in my brokenness and my imperfection. I thank God for the imperfect people in my life...and in part...those who know they are imperfect....I love you!!!

I was reading a co-workers blog and saw pictures of Europe and then got thinking of my trip there years ago and praying for a time to go back. To go on a vacation. An actual vacation away from Canada. I have never been on an actual Vacation outside of Canada (apart from a trip to Mexico years ago with my sister and we both got so sick that we had to go to a hospital, cutting short our already short vacation). I have always wanted to see the world. To experience and meet people from all over the world. I am not a big tourist attraction type of guy...take me to the small villages and let me experience the small cafes and shops and scenery. Let me experience the people and their lives. That for me is seeing the world. So I pray that I can go on a vacation one day. Where I can play in the warm surf, walk in the rain forest, go into a desert, or on a safari. This is a different way of thinking...for me. I used to think that this was not a right to be able to go and experience the world...especially when I see millions of people that will never travel, or if they do it is for survival. But today, I long to go, long to go and enjoy the world that God created, to meet people from all walks of life. For the world to impact me in a deeper way.
Today, I dream!

grey cup,,,rah rah rah

2006-11-19T17:51:00.000-06:00

okay, trying hard to remain sane in what appears to be an insane time. Have been listening to Crazy by an artist Gnarls Barkley...it is my theme song right now.
Life is crazy. What I don't know, is how things are going to proceed like they are now. I know that things are happening with my family because they need to change...but it hurts, it is painful and it is crappy beyond measure. What I do know is that I have to pray, I have to lay down the hurts and the ways that I would normally cope, because they aren't working too well right now.
So I have to do things differently.
What I do know is that in the past, when family became too hard to deal with I would seek out sex to make myself feel better. Now, I allow myself to feel this. To allow myself to go to this place as hard as it is. I am not supposed to feel good all the time...so why do I think that I am supposed to.
As Christmas approaches, I just want to go to a deserted beach somewhere, stay in a grass hut and lay on the beach. In a sense, I am wanting to run away...find some solace and some peace. Being single at 40, with no children...no home of my own, is often difficult. In societies terms I should have that all by now. I should have a home, wife, kids and have it all together...yet, I don't. So I am trying to create memories and good times now. Don't get me wrong. I love being single, there is a part of me that knows the liberty of being single, yet there is this part of me that also longs to be in relation with a woman. To serve her, to honor her and to love her beyond measure.
So there are a lot of things going on for me. I often find that it is not just one thing that happens but a lot...all at once. Yet, I have this inner peace...apart from the frustration and sadness...and frustration, there is this deep part of me that is at peace.
Today, I tried to fix my vacuum...ah, I know why I am not a trades man. I was frustrated and it kinda worked, but not quite, so I will bring it in all the pieces to the Vacuum repair person on Monday. Oh, the things we do. At least I know what the inside of a vacuum looks like.
Well...now I am rambling...not making sense of too much. I am typing on the new lap top...(work one) and it is quite nice. Thanks to the awesome computer guy...Andrew for putting it together...I owe you man...I hear you like a good beer!!!!
Okay, my cyber friends...ones I have never met...take it easy...love those around you, for you never know when they won't be there.
Shalom

I remember

2006-11-11T15:29:00.000-06:00

I remember when I was younger and rememberance day brought about much sadness. I guess, because I saw it all around, living in a community that really celebrated it.

This morning, I got in late (okay birthday celebration ROCKED). I came home and by the time I put everything away, it was nearly 4 a.m., then I got a call and was informed that Harry Lehotsky passed away.

I remember meeting him for the first time. Here I was bright eyed, just moved back from Vancouver and wanted to "do something more in my life". I shared with him my story, my brokenness and my willingness to give up everything for Christ. I remember him looking in my eyes, understanding me, like no one has ever understood before. I remember his mercy, his grace, his kindness. Very soon, I was painting homes, biking from South Pembina to downtown to just work. I would see Harry out and about, talking with someone here and there. His walk, even and paced, yet with much authority and love. I started to see the people in the community as family. The times I would go in to the cafe and he would come up and chat with me...a stranger, but NO...I was already brought into the fold of family.
When I needed a place of my own, again, he took a chance on me, noticing something inside of me...a willingness...he gave me a chance.
I welcomed it with open arms and I became a house parent for the Maryland Transition House. It was an interesting first year. Ups and downs, but much learning took place. I remember when the fire alarm went off in the house because we lost power and he came over...already showing the signs of fatigue (and this was at 7 a.m.). When he left, I saw him meet up with a man on the street, and he proceeded to go get groceries for him at 7-Eleven...I stood amazed!
Harry never once complained to me. I know that he had pain way before he was diagnosed. He shared with me the frustration of not getting in to see the Doctors, or the waiting period to get specific tests done. Yet, he shined when he smiled, always helped those around and he took a chance on me.
Today, I remember a man, who walked like Christ...when I saw him, I saw Christ. He is now dancing the streets of Gold, hand in hand with His Father and laughing. I can see him laughing and rejoicing. As much as I will miss him, as much as the community will miss him and his family, I will remember him by walking the walk, talking the talk and try my best to be like Christ in all I do...for that is what Harry would want.
God...our Father, surround the Lehotsky family, the New Life Ministries, the people that he touched...his family. May we walk like Christ, may we love like Christ, may we touch others like Christ. Empower us, give us passion to step out and do the will of the Father who has called us to serve, and to give up our lives for others. Teach us and remind us that this is not our home, may we not store up treasures on earth. Teach us how to give.
Be our vision and our guide.
Amen.

rain rain go away...

2006-11-06T15:20:00.000-06:00

so, it has been an interesting few days.
The rain, is actually refreshing and yep, I still hate wet pant legs!
It has a wonderful few days.
I bought a ring the other day...with strips of wire in the middle, wearing it on my left ring finger to remind myself that God is entwinded in my life. Every aspect of my life, he is in. I long to not be the same as I was the day before. I know that often we do not see change in our own lives until others point out how we have changed. I have been pointed at...I have been told how different I am and yet often I feel like I am the same. I often still have the same thoughts and desires and especially ones that do not line up to what I want.
So, how do I validate myself with those thoughts?
does that mean I just forget what I have learned, what I have experienced in terms of the grace and mercy and the restoration of Jesus? Does it mean I am gay still?
Nope...it means I am human. It means I live in a sinful world. I life in a place of brokenness, realizing my need to be whole. Realizing that I need Jesus...even more. It means I need to be open...honest and transparent...real.
I read about Ted Haggard...and I immediately became sad. Here is this influencial man. This "spiritual father", who has wrestled with the same feelings that I have. My heart goes out to him and his family.
But I have to go...the rain continues and I need to meet up with a friend...blessings...

what kind of titles do I come up with?

2006-10-31T01:06:00.000-06:00

So, another shift at Hesed tonight. Today, we just laughed...thanks Napoleon D, for the comic relief.
So thoughts on 40? Some people say it is the best time of their lives...I think so. For someone who has dreamed of children and a wife, sometimes that seems so far off.
Who knows if that will happen for me, right now I am content. Content to figure out Kenny's likes and dislikes. What do I like doing when I am by myself, or with others? It is rather fun actually. So come on 40!!!!
After sharing at soul, some doors are starting to open in refreshing ways and just amazing opportunities have come up...which I will share later, right now I am praying. I am trusting. I am looking to my Father for strength, courage and boldness that I have never experienced before.
Today, I remembered thanks to a relative of mine, some great memories that I can be thankful for when I was growing up. Times spent with cousins, aunts and uncles. Safe. Even though life was still messy and sometimes ugly, I can look back and almost smell times spent at my grandparents...or biking on country roads, or standing under the bridge with my cousins smoking...crazy youth!!! But those memories last. It was like a haven...a time for rest, before the storm of life came again. Life was not "peachie" but life was not "horrific either".
I am reading...To own a Dragon...by Donald Miller and he talks about what it means to be a man.
John Eldredge in Wild at Heart says this:
We all carry a father wound, and unless our father convinces us we have what it takes, we are probably going to flounder for a while.

Donald Miller goes and explains, that he threw the book across the room, finally picking it up again and reading. He says this:
The thing I believe about manhood now is that it lives within the male from a very early age, and sometimes it gets awakened, sometimes it doesn't. It doesn't matter how old you are...a man is a man is a man.

It is a great read so far...I recommend it for those who struggle with being a man, in our North American crisis of fatherlessness.

stories

2006-10-30T00:58:00.000-06:00

I sit here listening to Sufjan Stevens...you are not alone...you never leave...I love you cannot be said a better way. It's everything you promised!

Today, a step out into greater vulnerability...first time...totally,opening up my life for all to see. To see how God has moved in and taken over.

God has redeemed my life. It is exciting and wonderful. Who really cares who knows my past and present and future. All I know is that I am laying it all down. I lay down my life and give it all over to God. Use me Lord in ways, that I cannot fully comprehend. The world may look at me and shake their heads...saying I am not being myself and using you as a crutch, but I look at it as freedom to be who you have called me to be. I look at it as laying down my life for others. To take my eyes off myself.

Today, I shared my life...with those in my community where I worship and live life. It was emotionally charged and exhausting. But people surrounded me with tears, hugs and encouragement beyond my belief. I look to you Oh God with wonder and amazement. Your promises are true. You restore the years the locusts have eaten. It is never too late for anyone to stop and look to you. To ask for transformation and forgiveness. Why wait?

I turn 40 this month...aaaahhhhh...it seems so old, yet I feel so young. I have a new lease on life. A brand new day beginning.
I am blessed to be a part of Soul Sanctuary. An authentic place to worship and be me.
Spent the evening enjoying working at Hesed. Serving and taking the eyes off of me. Then relaxing at home and talking with my brother who is a gift.

Planning a trip...celebrating my birthday in ways that I have always wanted. I am enjoying the gift that you have given me. Life. God you are amazing and true to your word.

Well, gotta run...will post tomorrow too.
Shalom...and thanks for all of those who listened to me speak yesterday. To those who warmly hugged me and thanked me for being honest and real. Stories are worth telling. Tell yours.