Monday, May 10, 2010

Wonder




I wonder sometimes if I make life more complicated than I should.

Clearly, my relationship with Jesus is the most important thing in my life. I want to know him, experience him and walk in a good relationship with him. Yet, I strive so hard for him to accept me and love me.

Today at Church, I was reminded of something that struck a chord in my life. When I was a teenager, my biggest dream was to be a great designer, a hair stylist and make up artist. It was a dream. I wondered why I was so fixated with celebrities, especially with what they wore and after an event like the Academy Awards, I would retreat to my room and draw endless designs of gorgeous gowns. As I grew, I entertained the idea that I would be a hair stylist. When I shared this with a sibling, they said that this probably wasn't a good choice for me as I had previously admitted my struggle with same gender attraction and I was told it probably would be too much of a temptation because there are a lot of 'gay men' in the industry.

Needless to say, I never became a hair dresser, but in the back of my head, I wondered throughout my adult life, was that a dream that was meant to be or was it some fleeting desire that was fueled by my attraction or desire to connect with gay men.

Today, I reflected on something that our pastor said. He stated something like this, "If you desire to do something 'career wise' as a youth, do you dare dream to make it reality? Do you dare to allow God in to that desire and run with it, knowing God will bless you in it?"
I know that this is very much paraphrased, but it struck me in the whole area of being a hair stylist. I envisioned at that moment, working in a salon, my salon, owning a really awesome state of the art studio salon with some fabulous stylists working along side me. Is this from God? Was it from the beginning? Was the desire to be a stylist or designer something that was birthed in me because of my gifts and talents? Or was it a product of my brokenness?

So I wonder.

1 comment:

RosalieG said...

Kenny, yeah, I love it when people revisit dreams. I think part of the answer to your question is what do you believe about God? As a believer he resides in you. You have learned from Scripture what is good and what isn't. He has promised to work through you. He has promised to protect you. You have walked the journey of experience and know how hard it is, yet you resolve to keep your commitments to holiness.

Is hair styling the main dream? What about designing those gowns too? I think a person like you needs creative expression to feel fulfilled. I sense your call to mentor others who have walked a similar path, and maybe doing their hair is part of God's plan to connect with them, to give them a "safe" place to talk. Afterall, isn't half of one's appointment in a chair "talk therapy?"

As I read the part about the "state-of-the-art salon", having just looked at your art on Facebook, I thought you were going to say it would be a combination salon and art gallery. Why not?

Check your vision with Scripture, the spirit's speaking in your heart, advice from wise counsel and circumstances. Blessings.