Monday, May 10, 2010
I wonder sometimes if I make life more complicated than I should.
Clearly, my relationship with Jesus is the most important thing in my life. I want to know him, experience him and walk in a good relationship with him. Yet, I strive so hard for him to accept me and love me.
Today at Church, I was reminded of something that struck a chord in my life. When I was a teenager, my biggest dream was to be a great designer, a hair stylist and make up artist. It was a dream. I wondered why I was so fixated with celebrities, especially with what they wore and after an event like the Academy Awards, I would retreat to my room and draw endless designs of gorgeous gowns. As I grew, I entertained the idea that I would be a hair stylist. When I shared this with a sibling, they said that this probably wasn't a good choice for me as I had previously admitted my struggle with same gender attraction and I was told it probably would be too much of a temptation because there are a lot of 'gay men' in the industry.
Needless to say, I never became a hair dresser, but in the back of my head, I wondered throughout my adult life, was that a dream that was meant to be or was it some fleeting desire that was fueled by my attraction or desire to connect with gay men.
Today, I reflected on something that our pastor said. He stated something like this, "If you desire to do something 'career wise' as a youth, do you dare dream to make it reality? Do you dare to allow God in to that desire and run with it, knowing God will bless you in it?"
I know that this is very much paraphrased, but it struck me in the whole area of being a hair stylist. I envisioned at that moment, working in a salon, my salon, owning a really awesome state of the art studio salon with some fabulous stylists working along side me. Is this from God? Was it from the beginning? Was the desire to be a stylist or designer something that was birthed in me because of my gifts and talents? Or was it a product of my brokenness?
So I wonder.