Most of the learning in this format is to know what to share, how much and is my perspective clear, right or honorable. I've made terrible mistakes in writing and presenting my story, and those are mistakes I cannot take back but learn from. Thankfully, there is grace in this place, to own the mistakes and move on accordingly.
One of the most significant things I am learning is that our battle is not one of flesh and blood...but rather a spiritual one that takes precision and being fully awake to comprehend what is happening. One of the greatest things I believe God is showing me is my response to the storms and trials of life. The things that are seeking to take me off course.
Over the course of the last several years I have encountered storms of many kinds, which have impacted me on many levels. Some of them have paralyzed me in grief and depression, while others have caused me to isolate in ways of entertainment and eating, rather than being emotionally present with acknowledging my need, and some have caused me to be unshaken, unfurled by the winds and waves and I see God in the midst of all of this. A God who is full of grace and mercy and love, always there for me and always desiring that I turn to him first and foremost.
Over the course of the last several years I have encountered storms of many kinds, which have impacted me on many levels. Some of them have paralyzed me in grief and depression, while others have caused me to isolate in ways of entertainment and eating, rather than being emotionally present with acknowledging my need, and some have caused me to be unshaken, unfurled by the winds and waves and I see God in the midst of all of this. A God who is full of grace and mercy and love, always there for me and always desiring that I turn to him first and foremost.
One of these storms has been walking with my wife who has a chronic illness. I have to be honest, there have been many times I was unable to adequately support her. I was helpless and had no clue how to 'fix this'. Maybe that is a typical response for a man, but I wanted desperately for her to be well, for her to live a life of abundance and yet I saw my wife many times crumpled in pain, unable to get out of bed and my helplessness in this place.
This was a storm and I was faced not so much with my wife's illness, but rather my response or lack of response. In many ways I retreated to my fortress or a place of self preservation. I'd like to say I was heroic in my care for her and she would say that I did the best I could and that I was a GREAT husband, and yes, I could get the job done, but God has been calling me to something more.
This was a storm and I was faced not so much with my wife's illness, but rather my response or lack of response. In many ways I retreated to my fortress or a place of self preservation. I'd like to say I was heroic in my care for her and she would say that I did the best I could and that I was a GREAT husband, and yes, I could get the job done, but God has been calling me to something more.
Here it came down to what God wanted to do in me, not so much in my wife. He wanted to attend to my inner man and he was calling me to pray. Yet, I worked and did all the things I needed to support and care for not just her but our daughter and home. I worked hard, but it seemed something was missing. I stopped praying. I would pray for certain things, but I didn't delve into the place of prayer for just the sake of being with God, and availing my heart to him, so that he would attend to my heart.
I'd like to say that years later, my prayer life has been forged in the fire of this storm, but truthfully, I am still in the maturing stage of what it means to look past the physical, what I can see with my eyes and actually war in the spiritual places and press in. What I am learning in this place is that God is just asking me to show up. To show up in prayer both in a routine way, but also to pray without ceasing and to recognize that he is at work every second of my existence here on earth and that he has things he wants to accomplish and do when I pray. I'm encouraged in this place that he hears every pray and the moment I begin to pray, activation starts.
2 Corinthians 4:16-18
Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we FIX our EYES not on what is seen, but on what is UNSEEN. For what is seen is temporary, but what is UNSEEN IS ETERNAL.
This reminds me that as I fix my eyes on the things of the spirit, the kingdom of God, that my momentary troubles...become lighter, less weightier because I know that my God is greater, mightier and more powerful than anything. His love permeates into every aspect of a life surrendered, so rather than seeing only the human realities, focusing my eyes on the things of the kingdom, is achieving for me/us an eternal glory. Wow that is good news, especially in all the things we face in this crazy world.
Jesus, thank you that you have given us treasures from heaven, equipping us with your strength, power and peace. As we lay hold in greater measure the things of the spirit, your kingdom that has come, help us to walk in the knowledge that you have given us your mind (the mind of Christ), you are renewing our thinking, understanding so that we can walk as you did. Help us to live in your love and may that love astound those around us, making them curious of your gospel message of good news. Amen
