Give Me Cake

 

Today, I got thinking of cake.  This weekend I decided to make some banana cake that my neighbor makes which is totally delicious.  By far it is the best banana cake I have ever had.  I felt strange asking her for the recipe because the cake is that good.  Sometimes when its that good people don't want to share or it almost feels sacred!

But, she shared.  As I looked at the recipe and got all the ingredients out, I realized that I was missing vanilla.  Oh no! It won't taste the same without that.  I knew that I was going to be sharing the cake with my neighbor so I hoped that I wouldn't bomb at making it. Again, there is this sacredness to a recipe that I felt a bit worried about. What would she think?  

I looked in the cupboard and found that I had just enough almond extract and so I shifted the recipe ever so slightly and included that instead of vanilla.  As the cake baked, I made the icing and again, I veered off ever so slightly from the recipe.  When I took the cake out, I sampled it and I have to admit, it was pretty darn amazing.  After it cooled, I iced it and tried another piece...okay...that was it, I had taken a recipe that was already so good and made a few twists and it came out just different enough for it to be a stand alone recipe from the original.  It was really good.

Why am I sharing this experience?  

About a month ago, I was asking the Lord to answer my hearts cry to be renewed in an area of my life that I felt was in need of rejuvenation.  Sometimes in life, we get comfortable, and I had gotten that way since this whole pandemic started. Even to the point that I was unsure that I wanted to even be in ministry anymore.  This felt too difficult and I was tired.  Maybe leave all this stuff to others and just let me be.  Yet, inside I knew that this was a fleshly response and so I began to cry out for a revival.  REVIVE ME GOD.  

Less than a week later someone asked if they could come and meet and just read scripture, sing or pray together. I was game.

They came and sat down in the corner of my office and began to read the account of Elijah running away from Jezebel.  (1 Kings 19)

Elijah was afraid and he ran for his life.  He cries out to the Lord, "It is enough; now, O Lord, take away my life, for I am no better than my fathers." Then he lays down and sleeps under a broom tree.  There an angel touched him and said, "Arise and eat". There Elijah looked and saw a cake baked on hot stones and a jar of water. He ate and lay down again. Then he falls asleep again. Again the Angel touched him and said, "Arise and eat, for the journey is too great for you." So Elijah did what was told him.  He eat and drank and then went in the strength of that for 40 days and 40 nights. 

It goes on to say that Elijah came to a cave and dwelt within. The world of the Lord came to him and asked him what he was doing and Elijah proclaimed that He has been very jealous for the Lord, the God of hosts and that all the people of Israel had forgotten your covenant, and thrown down altars, killed prophets and here he is the only one left, and they are after him to take his life.  

The Lord's response? Go out and stand on the mount before the Lord and there was a strong wind, an earthquake, a fire...and the Lord was not in that...but there came a still small voice, a whisper...and Elijah covered his face.

Afterwards God told Elijah what to do and he obeyed.  

As this scripture was being read, I knew the Holy Spirit was speaking to me.  What I heard was a still small voice...which spoke: "Fear Not, your new response to every thing that you will ever face in life is fear not."

All I could do was weep.  Not with tears of sorrow or grief, but tears of joy.  The Lord was asking me to eat some cake, the cake of His Words which were coming to sustain me and send me forth into ministry and his kingdom work.  This felt like a new anointing.  A new charge and I received it.  It felt very similar to the words spoke to me 18 year ago when I heard God say "You don't have to go back to Egypt" and my life took a dramatic shift as I surrendered everything to follow Him.

So, it seems that I am surrendering again.  I'm asking the Lord to feed me in a new way, and my response is Lord, give me cake!  This new cake is slightly different and I need it for this season, to live a life of godliness and a life surrendered to you.  All for your kingdom and your glory. Come Holy Spirit Come.

Posture in the Storm

It's been a long time since I've written on this blog.  Life has a way of grabbing hold of more of my attention and I lacked the desire and fortitude to journal.  This blog is in essence a platform to publicly journal and that was the why in creating it.  I've learned so much in the course of almost 20 years or blogging and journaling in the secret place.  

Most of the learning in this format is to know what to share, how much and is my perspective clear, right or honorable.  I've made terrible mistakes in writing and presenting my story, and those are mistakes I cannot take back but learn from.  Thankfully, there is grace in this place, to own the mistakes and move on accordingly.

One of the most significant things I am learning is that our battle is not one of flesh and blood...but rather a spiritual one that takes precision and being fully awake to comprehend what is happening.  One of the greatest things I believe God is showing me is my response to the storms and trials of life.  The things that are seeking to take me off course.

Over the course of the last several years I have encountered storms of many kinds, which have impacted me on many levels.  Some of them have paralyzed me in grief and depression, while others have caused me to isolate in ways of entertainment and eating, rather than being emotionally present with acknowledging my need, and some have caused me to be unshaken, unfurled by the winds and waves and I see God in the midst of all of this.  A God who is full of grace and mercy and love, always there for me and always desiring that I turn to him first and foremost.

One of these storms has been walking with my wife who has a chronic illness.  I have to be honest, there have been many times I was unable to adequately support her.  I was helpless and had no clue how to 'fix this'.  Maybe that is a typical response for a man, but I wanted desperately for her to be well, for her to live a life of abundance and yet I saw my wife many times crumpled in pain, unable to get out of bed and my helplessness in this place.  

This was a storm and I was faced not so much with my wife's illness, but rather my response or lack of response.  In many ways I retreated to my fortress or a place of self preservation.  I'd like to say I was heroic in my care for her and she would say that I did the best I could and that I was a GREAT husband, and yes, I could get the job done, but God has been calling me to something more.  

Here it came down to what God wanted to do in me, not so much in my wife.  He wanted to attend to my inner man and he was calling me to pray.  Yet, I worked and did all the things I needed to support and care for not just her but our daughter and home.  I worked hard, but it seemed something was missing.  I stopped praying.  I would pray for certain things, but I didn't delve into the place of prayer for just the sake of being with God, and availing my heart to him, so that he would attend to my heart.

I'd like to say that years later, my prayer life has been forged in the fire of this storm, but truthfully, I am still in the maturing stage of what it means to look past the physical, what I can see with my eyes and actually war in the spiritual places and press in.  What I am learning in this place is that God is just asking me to show up. To show up in prayer both in a routine way, but also to pray without ceasing and to recognize that he is at work every second of my existence here on earth and that he has things he wants to accomplish and do when I pray.  I'm encouraged in this place that he hears every pray and the moment I begin to pray, activation starts.  

2 Corinthians 4:16-18

Therefore we do not lose heart.  Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.  For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we FIX our EYES not on what is seen, but on what is UNSEEN. For what is seen is temporary, but what is UNSEEN IS ETERNAL.

This reminds me that as I fix my eyes on the things of the spirit, the kingdom of God, that my momentary troubles...become lighter, less weightier because I know that my God is greater, mightier and more powerful than anything.  His love permeates into every aspect of a life surrendered, so rather than seeing only the human realities, focusing my eyes on the things of the kingdom, is achieving for me/us an eternal glory.  Wow that is good news, especially in all the things we face in this crazy world.  

Jesus, thank you that you have given us treasures from heaven, equipping us with your strength, power and peace. As we lay hold in greater measure the things of the spirit, your kingdom that has come, help us to walk in the knowledge that you have given us your mind (the mind of Christ), you are renewing our thinking, understanding so that we can walk as you did.  Help us to live in your love and may that love astound those around us, making them curious of your gospel message of good news. Amen

I'm a nobody...and so much more

Nobody wants to be a nobody.

Seriously, if you think about it for a moment, you have an innate desire to be 'somebody' or 'something'.

"What do you want to be when you grow up?"  For the longest time my daughter wanted to be a vet.  That changed when she realized she didn't like blood...and she might have to do stuff that is really gross!  Then she wanted to be a teacher.  This is slowly changing and the other day she said she wanted to work at a spa!  Oh, my precious one!  I hope one day she comes to the place of realizing that she is a nobody, created to be a somebody.

Here's the thing.  This morning while I was at a city wide prayer meeting I saw all our titles being thrown to the ground.  All our duties, job descriptions, the ways 'we' describe ourselves and the deficits that we still live with and all of it was rubbish and thrown out and what was left was just abiding in Jesus, and living in the empowerment of the Holy Spirit, knowing the affections of our Heavenly Father.

Here in this place of total surrender, nothing hinders us.  We can no longer say... "I can't serve because...I can't do that because...I'm not strong enough because...I'm too weak because...I don't know enough yet because...I'm not qualified, because..."

The moment we said yes and amen to Jesus' work of salvation/gospel message and we've been baptized, we are a 'new creation, created to do His good deeds that he has established for us to do...long before we even said...YES!

So nothing else matters.

I continue to struggle with the residuals of being gay identified, and authentically walk out my same gender attractions, and have done great work in the whole area of searching my heart, asking Jesus to heal and restore many deficits, and yet what remains is the residuals of sin...but I can't use any of that to stop me from doing what HE calls me to do, which is to be the Spiritual Head of my home, to love and call forth my wife and child and to make disciples of all nations.  That means, fear, insecurities, esteem issues, identity issues, deficits...all take second place to trusting God with what he tells me to do, and the submission of all authority in the empowerment of the Holy Spirit, who equips me with all wisdom and knowledge to do what pleases God.  Not out of duty or to check something off a list but to really do it out of a love relationship that come from abiding in him and being obedient.

So today, I cried out to him for more...that he would continue to form and create in me a new person, the old has gone the new has come...and I told him, I'm scared...but I won't back down to what HE wants to do, because it isn't about me, I'm a nobody, created to be a somebody, to further His kingdom here on earth as it is in heaven.

Today, if you feel like you are stuck in fear, insecurities, and maybe a list of "I can't...or...I'm scared!" That is the best place to start, in acknowledging your need of the Holy Spirit, Jesus and God.
Call out to him while He is near, and He will show you the way to go...and do what pleases him.

Psalms 1-5
Proverbs 1

Living Love

Well, it seems my writing and personal journal writing this past year kinda bit the dust. All good intentions flew out the window in what was a very difficult year on many levels. In retrospect, I was managing life, but that was about it.  There wasn't a lot of capacity or reserve to do much else.  Living with someone with a Chronic illness can put excess pressure on the whole house, and I learned much in this season about myself and my own propensity toward 'dark days'.  I had many upward moments (the ups!) in the midst of the down (dark) days, and as I look back I have chosen to cherish all the days, all the moments, because I was alive and God gave me breath.  Each day whether easy, difficult or just plain neutral was a gift to us and we can either forget all about it or we can learn and grow from the experience.  I want to grow.

Entering into 2018, I wondered..."Will life look any different? What will life look like?" and as I thought about it, I began to see that all God is asking for me at the moment is to live love. Not so much a focus on love living, but to live love out of His empowerment for His glory. You see my understanding of 'love living'  is to think that everything will be rosy, dandy, and of my choosing.  That somehow I can love living through experiences that I make and yet I want something deeper than experiential opportunities.  I was to live love, despite the circumstances that I may face whether good or bad.

It's a manifesto of sorts, to proclaim and declare that one will live love rather than love living.  To some this will sound rather redundant or you can't have one without the other, or the later is a by product of living love, but I think if we decide to seek first the Kingdom of God and ALL his righteousness and choose to live love in every situation, circumstance and experience, we can in the good times and the difficult times learn in very essence the art of loving life.

Practically speaking, I think it looks a whole lot like the fruits of the spirit: Kindness, gentleness, self control, patience, goodness, joy, faithfulness, peace...and the greatest of all...love.

Choosing to live love means to be cloaked in love...and we can't have this fully unless we are seeped in the Holy Spirit.  Declaring each day the Holiness of God our Father, who extravagantly loves.  Asking for the fullness of our day..."Give us this day...", guarding against evil, sin, patterns of selfishness, walking as ones forgiven and ones offering forgiveness...and laying down our lives to serve only one master...God. (Matthew 6)

To live love is to radically choose the opposite of how we may feel on any given moment and to choose to depend fully on the empowerment of the Holy Spirit who is revealing Jesus, who equips us with everything we need to live life to the full, not for our glory or fame but for his.  To God be the Glory and furthering of His Kingdom.  AMEN

Tunnel Vision

My wife and I are in the midst of clearing house.  Its amazing how in 9 years of marriage you can accumulate so much 'stuff'; paper, knick knacks and journals.  We have so many journals, some full and some half started.  This morning I was going through my work journal/to do list book and I came across notes I wrote as I reflected on my driving.  These thoughts came to me as I began viewing how I drive our car and I began to slow down to 'see' others.  What I encountered was frantic people, with tunnel vision.  I had been so preoccupied with where I was going that I lost sight of others, making me a dangerous and unkind driver.  I found that we can take this attitude into ever part of our lives and can be consumed by it.

I was thinking about the human condition of 'self' and how this plays out in our every day lives.  I think this concept is something that isn't necessarily new (what is now a days!)
but still applicable and necessary for us to evaluate on an ongoing basis.

We talk about LOVE, ACCEPTANCE, DIVERSITY but let's look at the fundamental belief that 'I am here on earth to get what I need and deserve!'  

There is this Christian worship song called 'Jesus, lover of my soul' by Paul Oakley.  It's a great song and I love it.  One day as I was singing it, I changed the words to the verse to better fit how we often live out our life.

verse
It's all about me, Jesus
and all this is for me
for my glory and my fame
It's not about you
as if you should do things your way
I alone am God and I don't surrender
to your ways

If we think closely to this verse and how these words speak to our spirit, we can most likely shout out an ouch...that hurts.  Is it really all about me?

Now before you jump all over me with excuses and thoughts on surrender and 'life is to be lived to the fullest', hear me out.

If I truly evaluate my life and examine my thoughts and I keep in mind the statement; 'I am here on earth to get what I need and deserve!'
This will cause me to see life with tunnel vision, narrowing my sight to just me, myself and I.  Our narrow vision may include others from time to time, but deep down, a questions continue to nag at the very depth of our soul: "Who am I? and What am I getting out of life?"

I think of many men that I know who have left their wives or their wives have left them because they came out identified with being 'gay or lesbian' or they left their spouse because they 'fell out of love, or never loved at all' or they found 'love someplace else'.  It's tunnel vision.
We bought into the notion that self actualization, self worth is more important than commitment, respect, honor, love, integrity, hard work, faithfulness, self control, goodness...kind of similar to the fruits of the spirit! We make excuses and tell others what we want them to know which is actually just appeasing our own neediness and brokenness, because we don't want to feel pain.  I get that.  I lived it for years...and if I am honest, I still wrestle with it. 

When I came out gay identified, it was about me!  It wasn't about others.  It was me, realizing that I had to live true to myself.  It was I in the garden, the serpent handing me the fruit saying "Did God actually say that?  He wouldn't hold good back from you, would he?"  I bought into a cultural definition of worth and identity because it felt right and good.  It didn't take into account those who loved me, or people who would be hurt by my 'self actualization'.  I was applauded by society, and yet I left a trail of pain behind me as I plowed off in my own direction.  I was a relatively good guy to boot. I hated injustice (I still do) People liked me, I liked people and I tried to treat others fair.  Yet, life was about me!  I viewed success as how I would prevail and rise above and get more money.  I was busy getting!

I met a great friend in the midst of all of this 'life of self' who challenged me by the ways she lived her life.  To this day, I don't think I have met anyone who is like her.  She challenged me to see others, to value others and to give generously.  We were co-workers at a school and we began to pay things forward (before it was even popular!)  Kindness; how could we be kind?  How could we lighten someone's day?  We tried secret pals, we created events like goody days that went all out in blessing others, and who knows the impact it had on others, but it did something to me.  It began to change how I saw people.  It slowed me down, because I needed to be intentional.

Now as a believer, I have come to realize even more, that life is not about me...and I still wrestle with that.  I still battle my own will when it comes to my interaction with my wife, my daughter, friends and those around me.  I'd love to say that I have laid down all my selfishness at the cross and live totally free of that.  Hardly.  There are still decisions that I mindlessly make that are fully equated to what I get out of it, rather than asking the question: "God, will you direct my decision making so you are glorified and others benefit?" 

This note that I found this morning, came at a good time as I reflect on getting rid of clutter, as I choose to allow God to continue to direct my steps and as I seek to do His perfect will and not live out of my own broken will.

Galatians 5:22-24 (The Message)

But what happens when we live God’s way? He brings gifts into our lives, much the same way that fruit appears in an orchard—things like affection for others, exuberance about life, serenity. We develop a willingness to stick with things, a sense of compassion in the heart, and a conviction that a basic holiness permeates things and people. We find ourselves involved in loyal commitments, not needing to force our way in life, able to marshal and direct our energies wisely.
Legalism is helpless in bringing this about; it only gets in the way. Among those who belong to Christ, everything connected with getting our own way and mindlessly responding to what everyone else calls necessities is killed off for good—crucified.