Tunnel Vision

My wife and I are in the midst of clearing house.  Its amazing how in 9 years of marriage you can accumulate so much 'stuff'; paper, knick knacks and journals.  We have so many journals, some full and some half started.  This morning I was going through my work journal/to do list book and I came across notes I wrote as I reflected on my driving.  These thoughts came to me as I began viewing how I drive our car and I began to slow down to 'see' others.  What I encountered was frantic people, with tunnel vision.  I had been so preoccupied with where I was going that I lost sight of others, making me a dangerous and unkind driver.  I found that we can take this attitude into ever part of our lives and can be consumed by it.

I was thinking about the human condition of 'self' and how this plays out in our every day lives.  I think this concept is something that isn't necessarily new (what is now a days!)
but still applicable and necessary for us to evaluate on an ongoing basis.

We talk about LOVE, ACCEPTANCE, DIVERSITY but let's look at the fundamental belief that 'I am here on earth to get what I need and deserve!'  

There is this Christian worship song called 'Jesus, lover of my soul' by Paul Oakley.  It's a great song and I love it.  One day as I was singing it, I changed the words to the verse to better fit how we often live out our life.

verse
It's all about me, Jesus
and all this is for me
for my glory and my fame
It's not about you
as if you should do things your way
I alone am God and I don't surrender
to your ways

If we think closely to this verse and how these words speak to our spirit, we can most likely shout out an ouch...that hurts.  Is it really all about me?

Now before you jump all over me with excuses and thoughts on surrender and 'life is to be lived to the fullest', hear me out.

If I truly evaluate my life and examine my thoughts and I keep in mind the statement; 'I am here on earth to get what I need and deserve!'
This will cause me to see life with tunnel vision, narrowing my sight to just me, myself and I.  Our narrow vision may include others from time to time, but deep down, a questions continue to nag at the very depth of our soul: "Who am I? and What am I getting out of life?"

I think of many men that I know who have left their wives or their wives have left them because they came out identified with being 'gay or lesbian' or they left their spouse because they 'fell out of love, or never loved at all' or they found 'love someplace else'.  It's tunnel vision.
We bought into the notion that self actualization, self worth is more important than commitment, respect, honor, love, integrity, hard work, faithfulness, self control, goodness...kind of similar to the fruits of the spirit! We make excuses and tell others what we want them to know which is actually just appeasing our own neediness and brokenness, because we don't want to feel pain.  I get that.  I lived it for years...and if I am honest, I still wrestle with it. 

When I came out gay identified, it was about me!  It wasn't about others.  It was me, realizing that I had to live true to myself.  It was I in the garden, the serpent handing me the fruit saying "Did God actually say that?  He wouldn't hold good back from you, would he?"  I bought into a cultural definition of worth and identity because it felt right and good.  It didn't take into account those who loved me, or people who would be hurt by my 'self actualization'.  I was applauded by society, and yet I left a trail of pain behind me as I plowed off in my own direction.  I was a relatively good guy to boot. I hated injustice (I still do) People liked me, I liked people and I tried to treat others fair.  Yet, life was about me!  I viewed success as how I would prevail and rise above and get more money.  I was busy getting!

I met a great friend in the midst of all of this 'life of self' who challenged me by the ways she lived her life.  To this day, I don't think I have met anyone who is like her.  She challenged me to see others, to value others and to give generously.  We were co-workers at a school and we began to pay things forward (before it was even popular!)  Kindness; how could we be kind?  How could we lighten someone's day?  We tried secret pals, we created events like goody days that went all out in blessing others, and who knows the impact it had on others, but it did something to me.  It began to change how I saw people.  It slowed me down, because I needed to be intentional.

Now as a believer, I have come to realize even more, that life is not about me...and I still wrestle with that.  I still battle my own will when it comes to my interaction with my wife, my daughter, friends and those around me.  I'd love to say that I have laid down all my selfishness at the cross and live totally free of that.  Hardly.  There are still decisions that I mindlessly make that are fully equated to what I get out of it, rather than asking the question: "God, will you direct my decision making so you are glorified and others benefit?" 

This note that I found this morning, came at a good time as I reflect on getting rid of clutter, as I choose to allow God to continue to direct my steps and as I seek to do His perfect will and not live out of my own broken will.

Galatians 5:22-24 (The Message)

But what happens when we live God’s way? He brings gifts into our lives, much the same way that fruit appears in an orchard—things like affection for others, exuberance about life, serenity. We develop a willingness to stick with things, a sense of compassion in the heart, and a conviction that a basic holiness permeates things and people. We find ourselves involved in loyal commitments, not needing to force our way in life, able to marshal and direct our energies wisely.
Legalism is helpless in bringing this about; it only gets in the way. Among those who belong to Christ, everything connected with getting our own way and mindlessly responding to what everyone else calls necessities is killed off for good—crucified.

Fathered?

Fathered?

I was reminded today, the importance of a fathers heart toward his children! The legacy of a good father is providing them with attention, affirmation, affection, endurance, humility, respect, mercy and most of all love. 

Being rooted and grounded in this...it allows us to do much good in the communities around us.  When we know how to Father rightly, we can also extend a fathers heart to the fatherless.  Today I listened as a well know advocate for social justice was honored by those to whom he was known to.  Colleagues, Officiates, Pastors and family members.  A common thread was that you either loved him or you hated him.  

It was difficult for many reasons to sit and listen to the Eulogies.  I won't go into great detail, it's hard to listen to humanitarian accolades when at the foundation everything is flawed.  

I truly believe that the BEST form of social justice, humanitarian activism comes from having a deep awareness of a Father's/Mother's heart.  (You can have this even if you have never physically raised a biological family) This begins by making peace with your past.  If you can't stand up and confront your past, you will never walk free in the future, which takes guts, courage, honesty, integrity, respect, confession and forgiveness (and many other attributes).  It means that you look back, you recognize the lack and you move in a different direction.  Not pretending it ever happened or make light of it...but rather, in honesty look it in the face and make peace with God, your self and others.

If this never happens, you continue the cycles those previous generations walked out before you.  Sure you could probably look like all is well, but at the end of the day...do you?  As you re-cycle the past instead of doing something different, you offer quite the challenge for those who are looking to you to leave a legacy or an inheritance (which is not about gold or silver).  We can do good works, we can make a difference, but when there is no foundation, these accomplishments through time will whither, die and be forgotten. 

For nearly 3 hours, I listened to all the GOOD this person has done and yet he missed the mark which saddened me greatly.  Life is but a vapor and he chose to fulfill worldly fame instead of looking at what really mattered...being a father. I listened to a different challenge today as I sat applauding the bravery of honesty by a son.  It was refreshing and truthful.   It took a son to speak truth that didn't cause merriment; rather it produced gasps and the shaking of heads.  Heads of those still stuck in the niceties of appearance, desperately hiding the past and present wounds, so not to appear ‘broken’ in any way, fearing the words of man, rather than fearing the words of God.

It caused me to take another look at my own experience.  It wasn't great in the early years.  I longed for affection, affirmation, attention and love, and if faced with the same experience these men were having 25 years ago, I might have replied with similar words, yet in the last 25 years, I have grown to understand my father, and truly love the man he is.  He isn't perfect, nor am I...no one is.  But one of the pivotal conversations I had with him was when he shared that with me his own reality.  That he knew he wasn't the best dad and he didn't sugar coat it, or make it appear differently.  He called it for what it was and he chose to do something different.  I have learned the value of hard work, to endure, to show affection, and the ability to affirm my daughter because of him.  He is generous to a fault and would give the shirt off his back for you.  He now openly shows affection.  It has allowed me to also walk free of walls of hiding and to be the man I am called to be.  My earthly father will still fail in comparison to my heavenly Father and I too will fail my daughter, yet it is God my Father, who fathers me in the lack.  He is my perfect Father.  This continual growing knowledge of the Father heart of God comes with my own submission and acceptance of Jesus as Savior.  If I know Jesus, I know the Father! 

Yet this funeral today rocked me to the core.  My father’s heart broke within me to see the longing and the empty eyes staring back at me as a son addressed the crowd.  Honest and transparent, yet alone and fragile, walls built up from years of broken promises and empty words, a vow "I will never be like him" and yet shockingly he became the very thing he hated.  I know that full well. 

The experience enlarged my heart for the fatherless, those to whom their fathers are still living, but are emotionally, physically, relationally and spiritually distant.  I saw numerous men and women at the funeral with hearts breaking due to their own lack of being fathered.  It breaks my heart.  

It's time we rise up and speak a different type of social justice awareness, that it really does matter the legacy and foundation that we lay as a father or mother.  But this will take a concerted step toward honesty and courage to bring things into the light, to address and talk instead of hiding behind walls, or through activism. When we've wronged someone, we make it right.  When we haven't made amends or peace, can we even in all integrity stand for social justice and the rights of the down trodden when we have neglected the very ones to whom have been put in our care?  The masks need to come down, the veneers stripped away...the pretense thrown in the garbage...and true men and women calling out for their sons and daughters to come home.  It will take brave and courageous fathers and mothers to lead the way, who aren't afraid of words spoken behind the back, rather more afraid of the God who judges both the living and the dead.

May the Lord be merciful...and kind!  Slow to anger and rich in love.