Sabbath Rest - New Life

"...for the display of His Splendor."

Those 6 words are profound. Let's sit with them for awhile.  Think of your life, the way you were raised, trained up and how you perceive life and meaning.  

We make decisions each and every day to bring levels of splendor into our lives.  Be it the quest for the 'Western Dream' of prosperity, a life of ease, indulgence, fascinations with the best things in life, we are always seeking after something of majesty, something of brilliance. We can also seek after the splendor of things that ease our burden or pain.  Addictions to drugs, alcohol, gambling, gossip/idle talk, sex, money/greed (this list is not exhaustive) and if we are honest, these things are on display in our lives which point to a deep heart issue that we all face. How do I escape or how do I build my own kingdom? We have a deep fear of missing out. (FOMO is real) 

What if we stopped and did a re-set?  What would it mean to slow down and stop rushing from one thing to another and took time to be present with what our hands are doing, or where our feet are taking us?  What if we resisted building our own display of our kingdom come? 

What if we re-connected with who made us?  A creator God who didn't just cause cells to divide by accident or evolution, but purposefully created us to seek after His Splendor.  To desire for his splendor to be on display, rather than ours.  When I think of that action, I get a deep sense of rest, and the ability to take deep breathes and to come back to realize that all the good/work I seek to do can be ordered in a way that takes away people's vision of me, and put it on Jesus who sought to save me from my own doing. 

"...for the display of His Splendor!" 

Rest, sabbath rest, intentionally stopping and focusing on the real purposes of life, happiness and goodness in the land of the living with an eternal perspective of human flourishing.  Can we attain this? Rejecting the lies of the culture around us that tries to dictate to us how we shall live, rather than drinking and eating from the source of the divine, God with us, Emmanuel?  

This is my prayer as I move throughout 2025.  To resist rushing, to resist my kingdom and to seek first the one who gives me breath.  Care to join?

I'm a nobody...and so much more

Nobody wants to be a nobody.

Seriously, if you think about it for a moment, you have an innate desire to be 'somebody' or 'something'.

"What do you want to be when you grow up?"  For the longest time my daughter wanted to be a vet.  That changed when she realized she didn't like blood...and she might have to do stuff that is really gross!  Then she wanted to be a teacher.  This is slowly changing and the other day she said she wanted to work at a spa!  Oh, my precious one!  I hope one day she comes to the place of realizing that she is a nobody, created to be a somebody.

Here's the thing.  This morning while I was at a city wide prayer meeting I saw all our titles being thrown to the ground.  All our duties, job descriptions, the ways 'we' describe ourselves and the deficits that we still live with and all of it was rubbish and thrown out and what was left was just abiding in Jesus, and living in the empowerment of the Holy Spirit, knowing the affections of our Heavenly Father.

Here in this place of total surrender, nothing hinders us.  We can no longer say... "I can't serve because...I can't do that because...I'm not strong enough because...I'm too weak because...I don't know enough yet because...I'm not qualified, because..."

The moment we said yes and amen to Jesus' work of salvation/gospel message and we've been baptized, we are a 'new creation, created to do His good deeds that he has established for us to do...long before we even said...YES!

So nothing else matters.

I continue to struggle with the residuals of being gay identified, and authentically walk out my same gender attractions, and have done great work in the whole area of searching my heart, asking Jesus to heal and restore many deficits, and yet what remains is the residuals of sin...but I can't use any of that to stop me from doing what HE calls me to do, which is to be the Spiritual Head of my home, to love and call forth my wife and child and to make disciples of all nations.  That means, fear, insecurities, esteem issues, identity issues, deficits...all take second place to trusting God with what he tells me to do, and the submission of all authority in the empowerment of the Holy Spirit, who equips me with all wisdom and knowledge to do what pleases God.  Not out of duty or to check something off a list but to really do it out of a love relationship that come from abiding in him and being obedient.

So today, I cried out to him for more...that he would continue to form and create in me a new person, the old has gone the new has come...and I told him, I'm scared...but I won't back down to what HE wants to do, because it isn't about me, I'm a nobody, created to be a somebody, to further His kingdom here on earth as it is in heaven.

Today, if you feel like you are stuck in fear, insecurities, and maybe a list of "I can't...or...I'm scared!" That is the best place to start, in acknowledging your need of the Holy Spirit, Jesus and God.
Call out to him while He is near, and He will show you the way to go...and do what pleases him.

Psalms 1-5
Proverbs 1

Tunnel Vision

My wife and I are in the midst of clearing house.  Its amazing how in 9 years of marriage you can accumulate so much 'stuff'; paper, knick knacks and journals.  We have so many journals, some full and some half started.  This morning I was going through my work journal/to do list book and I came across notes I wrote as I reflected on my driving.  These thoughts came to me as I began viewing how I drive our car and I began to slow down to 'see' others.  What I encountered was frantic people, with tunnel vision.  I had been so preoccupied with where I was going that I lost sight of others, making me a dangerous and unkind driver.  I found that we can take this attitude into ever part of our lives and can be consumed by it.

I was thinking about the human condition of 'self' and how this plays out in our every day lives.  I think this concept is something that isn't necessarily new (what is now a days!)
but still applicable and necessary for us to evaluate on an ongoing basis.

We talk about LOVE, ACCEPTANCE, DIVERSITY but let's look at the fundamental belief that 'I am here on earth to get what I need and deserve!'  

There is this Christian worship song called 'Jesus, lover of my soul' by Paul Oakley.  It's a great song and I love it.  One day as I was singing it, I changed the words to the verse to better fit how we often live out our life.

verse
It's all about me, Jesus
and all this is for me
for my glory and my fame
It's not about you
as if you should do things your way
I alone am God and I don't surrender
to your ways

If we think closely to this verse and how these words speak to our spirit, we can most likely shout out an ouch...that hurts.  Is it really all about me?

Now before you jump all over me with excuses and thoughts on surrender and 'life is to be lived to the fullest', hear me out.

If I truly evaluate my life and examine my thoughts and I keep in mind the statement; 'I am here on earth to get what I need and deserve!'
This will cause me to see life with tunnel vision, narrowing my sight to just me, myself and I.  Our narrow vision may include others from time to time, but deep down, a questions continue to nag at the very depth of our soul: "Who am I? and What am I getting out of life?"

I think of many men that I know who have left their wives or their wives have left them because they came out identified with being 'gay or lesbian' or they left their spouse because they 'fell out of love, or never loved at all' or they found 'love someplace else'.  It's tunnel vision.
We bought into the notion that self actualization, self worth is more important than commitment, respect, honor, love, integrity, hard work, faithfulness, self control, goodness...kind of similar to the fruits of the spirit! We make excuses and tell others what we want them to know which is actually just appeasing our own neediness and brokenness, because we don't want to feel pain.  I get that.  I lived it for years...and if I am honest, I still wrestle with it. 

When I came out gay identified, it was about me!  It wasn't about others.  It was me, realizing that I had to live true to myself.  It was I in the garden, the serpent handing me the fruit saying "Did God actually say that?  He wouldn't hold good back from you, would he?"  I bought into a cultural definition of worth and identity because it felt right and good.  It didn't take into account those who loved me, or people who would be hurt by my 'self actualization'.  I was applauded by society, and yet I left a trail of pain behind me as I plowed off in my own direction.  I was a relatively good guy to boot. I hated injustice (I still do) People liked me, I liked people and I tried to treat others fair.  Yet, life was about me!  I viewed success as how I would prevail and rise above and get more money.  I was busy getting!

I met a great friend in the midst of all of this 'life of self' who challenged me by the ways she lived her life.  To this day, I don't think I have met anyone who is like her.  She challenged me to see others, to value others and to give generously.  We were co-workers at a school and we began to pay things forward (before it was even popular!)  Kindness; how could we be kind?  How could we lighten someone's day?  We tried secret pals, we created events like goody days that went all out in blessing others, and who knows the impact it had on others, but it did something to me.  It began to change how I saw people.  It slowed me down, because I needed to be intentional.

Now as a believer, I have come to realize even more, that life is not about me...and I still wrestle with that.  I still battle my own will when it comes to my interaction with my wife, my daughter, friends and those around me.  I'd love to say that I have laid down all my selfishness at the cross and live totally free of that.  Hardly.  There are still decisions that I mindlessly make that are fully equated to what I get out of it, rather than asking the question: "God, will you direct my decision making so you are glorified and others benefit?" 

This note that I found this morning, came at a good time as I reflect on getting rid of clutter, as I choose to allow God to continue to direct my steps and as I seek to do His perfect will and not live out of my own broken will.

Galatians 5:22-24 (The Message)

But what happens when we live God’s way? He brings gifts into our lives, much the same way that fruit appears in an orchard—things like affection for others, exuberance about life, serenity. We develop a willingness to stick with things, a sense of compassion in the heart, and a conviction that a basic holiness permeates things and people. We find ourselves involved in loyal commitments, not needing to force our way in life, able to marshal and direct our energies wisely.
Legalism is helpless in bringing this about; it only gets in the way. Among those who belong to Christ, everything connected with getting our own way and mindlessly responding to what everyone else calls necessities is killed off for good—crucified.

Fathered?

Fathered?

I was reminded today, the importance of a fathers heart toward his children! The legacy of a good father is providing them with attention, affirmation, affection, endurance, humility, respect, mercy and most of all love. 

Being rooted and grounded in this...it allows us to do much good in the communities around us.  When we know how to Father rightly, we can also extend a fathers heart to the fatherless.  Today I listened as a well know advocate for social justice was honored by those to whom he was known to.  Colleagues, Officiates, Pastors and family members.  A common thread was that you either loved him or you hated him.  

It was difficult for many reasons to sit and listen to the Eulogies.  I won't go into great detail, it's hard to listen to humanitarian accolades when at the foundation everything is flawed.  

I truly believe that the BEST form of social justice, humanitarian activism comes from having a deep awareness of a Father's/Mother's heart.  (You can have this even if you have never physically raised a biological family) This begins by making peace with your past.  If you can't stand up and confront your past, you will never walk free in the future, which takes guts, courage, honesty, integrity, respect, confession and forgiveness (and many other attributes).  It means that you look back, you recognize the lack and you move in a different direction.  Not pretending it ever happened or make light of it...but rather, in honesty look it in the face and make peace with God, your self and others.

If this never happens, you continue the cycles those previous generations walked out before you.  Sure you could probably look like all is well, but at the end of the day...do you?  As you re-cycle the past instead of doing something different, you offer quite the challenge for those who are looking to you to leave a legacy or an inheritance (which is not about gold or silver).  We can do good works, we can make a difference, but when there is no foundation, these accomplishments through time will whither, die and be forgotten. 

For nearly 3 hours, I listened to all the GOOD this person has done and yet he missed the mark which saddened me greatly.  Life is but a vapor and he chose to fulfill worldly fame instead of looking at what really mattered...being a father. I listened to a different challenge today as I sat applauding the bravery of honesty by a son.  It was refreshing and truthful.   It took a son to speak truth that didn't cause merriment; rather it produced gasps and the shaking of heads.  Heads of those still stuck in the niceties of appearance, desperately hiding the past and present wounds, so not to appear ‘broken’ in any way, fearing the words of man, rather than fearing the words of God.

It caused me to take another look at my own experience.  It wasn't great in the early years.  I longed for affection, affirmation, attention and love, and if faced with the same experience these men were having 25 years ago, I might have replied with similar words, yet in the last 25 years, I have grown to understand my father, and truly love the man he is.  He isn't perfect, nor am I...no one is.  But one of the pivotal conversations I had with him was when he shared that with me his own reality.  That he knew he wasn't the best dad and he didn't sugar coat it, or make it appear differently.  He called it for what it was and he chose to do something different.  I have learned the value of hard work, to endure, to show affection, and the ability to affirm my daughter because of him.  He is generous to a fault and would give the shirt off his back for you.  He now openly shows affection.  It has allowed me to also walk free of walls of hiding and to be the man I am called to be.  My earthly father will still fail in comparison to my heavenly Father and I too will fail my daughter, yet it is God my Father, who fathers me in the lack.  He is my perfect Father.  This continual growing knowledge of the Father heart of God comes with my own submission and acceptance of Jesus as Savior.  If I know Jesus, I know the Father! 

Yet this funeral today rocked me to the core.  My father’s heart broke within me to see the longing and the empty eyes staring back at me as a son addressed the crowd.  Honest and transparent, yet alone and fragile, walls built up from years of broken promises and empty words, a vow "I will never be like him" and yet shockingly he became the very thing he hated.  I know that full well. 

The experience enlarged my heart for the fatherless, those to whom their fathers are still living, but are emotionally, physically, relationally and spiritually distant.  I saw numerous men and women at the funeral with hearts breaking due to their own lack of being fathered.  It breaks my heart.  

It's time we rise up and speak a different type of social justice awareness, that it really does matter the legacy and foundation that we lay as a father or mother.  But this will take a concerted step toward honesty and courage to bring things into the light, to address and talk instead of hiding behind walls, or through activism. When we've wronged someone, we make it right.  When we haven't made amends or peace, can we even in all integrity stand for social justice and the rights of the down trodden when we have neglected the very ones to whom have been put in our care?  The masks need to come down, the veneers stripped away...the pretense thrown in the garbage...and true men and women calling out for their sons and daughters to come home.  It will take brave and courageous fathers and mothers to lead the way, who aren't afraid of words spoken behind the back, rather more afraid of the God who judges both the living and the dead.

May the Lord be merciful...and kind!  Slow to anger and rich in love.

Trans....ition!

Gender identity can be very complex and complicated. Each persons who struggles with their gender identity is unique and precious in Jesus' eyes. He looks at the heart and not so much the outer appearance.

How many times do we base all our assumptions just on the outward and have no clue as to what it happening on the inside? Sometimes we may think, "oh...if __________ just got their life together, everything would be great. If they could just look and act like everyone else...you know...not be so out of place!"

I wonder a lot about how we welcome people into our lives, families and the body of Christ. I wonder how we welcome those who just don't quite fit our definitions or even our conveniences. It got me thinking of when I was gay identified.

When I came out at 30...it shocked a lot of people. Mostly because my journey was pretty isolated to my own self. I didn't let a lot of people in to see my internal struggles. Recently God has been healing my own perceptions of gender distortions. For years, I secretly longed to be a female. This began in my early years (probably around the age of 5 or 6). I didn't at that time pronounce that I wanted to be a girl, I just felt out of place and awkward in my body. I didn't want to be a boy...and I saw all these girls that played with dolls, dressed up and I liked that. I wished I could do all of that, so I began interpreting that "I was a mistake, that I wasn't like other boys and that I should have been a girl." Now, if I was affirmed as a boy (that masculinity is really caring for others...being gentle to dolls, and creative...dressing up) maybe with the help of good interpretation of my recording that distortion may not have happened. So internally I struggled with my sense of gender. Secretly dressing up in my mother/sisters clothes and when no one was around, I bound myself, wore make up and tried to look convincing. Early on...I certainly did. I prided myself in looking like a girl. I didn't have a word for this longing or desire. I found out later through the internet and through Television that this was "trangender". It kinda fit for me. Maybe this was why I was attracted to the same sex. Maybe it was because I was born in the wrong body...that God really did make a mistake, that somehow my DNA and hormones were screwed up. This was a birth defect!!!

But the idea of talking about this with my family, with those around me (small town) was totally unacceptable. I resigned deep within me that maybe someday I would transition. So in secret, I dressed up. Until I came out as gay identified, I began playing with make up, dressing up and eventually would go out in public on Halloween or other occasions dressed as a woman...always in the safety of the fact that it was now deemed "drag". I over exaggerated the "look" of being a female. I was pretty convincing on a few occasions. I went so far as to even ask my partner if I ever did want to transition would he be okay with it. Surprisingly he was.

So deep down, there was always this longing to transition. Some of the things that stopped me was the extensive surgery, the apparent need for plastic surgery to make my face more feminine (softer lines, smaller nose, removing the adam's apple, electrolysis, implants and the necessary removal of my genitalia. Even though growing up I hated my anatomy, I couldn't think of that. Maybe internally it meant that I would no longer be able to father a child (naturally). I know that I thought a lot about it and it sometimes consumed me with fantasy and dreams and hopes of a different life as a woman.

Today, I was reminded of God's saving grace and mercy. How almost 7 years ago, He showed me a bigger picture and began restoring my broken gender identity. My identity as a male and my security in my body is almost 180 degrees different. There are days when the residuals of my past creep in, old thought patterns and thinking try to overwhelm me. When I see men who on the outside appear stronger more capable more confidant than me and the insecurities try to consume me, I remind myself that I am a good gift right where I am at. That in my own mess, God is the one who continual cleans and affirms me. It is His voice that is the one of acceptance and worth.

My life is not perfect, I don't have it all together, I sometimes act quite different than those around me, sometimes I am awkward in social settings and say or do things others wouldn't. I am reminded all the time that I am not out of place. Jesus welcomes me to the foot of the cross and there standing beside me is other children of God. The seemingly "put together pastor", the drunkard, the prostitute, the orphan, the widow, the mother, sister, brother, father, co-worker, neighbor, teenager, gay, lesbian, transgender, two spirited, queer, adulterer, liar, thief, gossiper, those who envy, covet, idolators, the rich, the poor. The list goes on.

At the cross we lay down our broken lives and hope is put into us. Extravagant mercy is extended to us. With that extravagance is this amazing gift of grace and truth. Truth to who we are created to be. Truth of the glorious inheritance that we have and importance of our gender and sexual identities.

Psalm 50...reads well of this beautiful grace and mercy as well as discipline and hope. It ends with "But giving thanks is a sacrifice that truly honors me. If you keep to my path, I will reveal to you the salvation of God."

Lord Jesus...I give you thanks for opening my eyes, giving me new vision to see the importance of my gender. How you created me is no mistake, I honor my body as your creation. I am thankful that I didn't put it into the hands of others nor distorted and changed it to be something else. Jesus, I plead that you would meet each of us where we are at, would you give new sight. Bring a revelation of your mercy and love and pour out true understanding to your children...and those not yet your children. Bring clarity to our sense of gender and sexual identities...that are not based on others views, but of yours. Amen

Authenticity in the journey

I've pretty much come to the conclusion that writing comments on other people's blogs and maybe even entering into dialogue with them via the stream of online communication, apart from video calls, could possibly be deemed useless. I think it can work, but you really need to be careful with clarification and asking questions, to further dialogue and get a better understanding of what is being said. Terminology and wording is subjective...and can be misconstrued.

So much is being written about sexual identity...authenticity and some of it is very insensitive. I am to some degree quite frankly saddened by some of the misconceptions that are out there, and things that are being written regarding some of the responses and attitudes.

I am pretty authentic in my faith and my journey of who I am as a sexual male. I have great friends who I LOVE, who understand me, accept me and validate who I am. But my ultimate validation, love and acceptance comes from God...and not others. It is God who affirms me and calls me out of the wilderness and it was God who called me out of my captivity. For me, that captivity was the deception that being gay (and the use of that descriptive word was just that...a way I described myself, just as I would the color of my eyes, my height, my likes, dislikes, to me it was unchangeable)was okay. I had bought into the belief that I just needed to accept the fact that God made me gay...created me that way and I needed to get past the guilt and shame I felt as a christian.

For me...reconciling the two never worked. I chose being gay. That didn't mean I never tried. I did. I tried affirming congregations. I tried groups, but to me, there was something missing. I never felt a depth or an authenticity in those gatherings and it just felt like a political, or social justice meeting. Every time we met, we addressed the issues surrounding something about being lgbt defined as it pertained to policies...politics...and social justice meetings etc. I realized that in a lot of ways, I went from one extreme to another. It was disheartening and disenchanting. So, I privately prayed...but mostly, just lived life. I went to work, paid my taxes, lived with my partner, traveled, and pretty much did what other couples did.

but...having not addressed some key issues in my life, reconciling faithfulness wasn't in my reality but neither was that for a lot of my friends...and I will say that was true for my straight friends and my lgbt friends.
I was mostly happy. I had a good life.

So in the midst of all of this...why...if God so loved me as a gay man...why would he audibly call me out of that description and into something different? It doesn't make sense.
Some people would justify that...oh...then you weren't gay to begin with...or you didn't hear God? Or for you...being gay wasn't your true orientation.
The same people would justify saying that because I still struggle with same sex attraction...that I am lying and that I am not being authentic, that I am depressed, that I don't know who I am and in so, can't authentically minister to others. That my true orientation is gay...and I should label myself as gay and that I am now in a mixed orientation marriage.
Sounds like a lot of critique...right?

We need to be honest as to where we are at...reality! What is our reality? We need to be authentic in this...we also need to be authentic in the fact that we no longer live...Jesus Christ now lives in us. This doesn't mean we "lose ourselves" or our sense of "being", it actually is a "coming into the fullness of who we are as a gift to those around us". It is truly knowing ourselves and the complexities of understanding who we are...as God's created ones. He designed and predestined us all...and desires each of us to come to the knowledge of just how much HE loves us. That is really exciting if you ask me. It isn't a doom and gloom message of give this up...take away that, but in reality, recognizing all the stuff in my life matters, but not so much as to follow Christ. He asks us to come "follow him" to give up much, but not to lose who we are...HIS!

My reality is that I still face same sex attraction from time to time. It isn't as intense. I have learned a lot about ssa and it isn't this huge defining thing in my life. I don't condemn those whose journey is different than mine, or how it looks for them, but for me, I have experienced Jesus healing many factors surrounding ssa.

I also realize that this isn't something that defines me and that doesn't make me non authentic. I am honest with it and with others...but I am much more than this and I have a whole pile of stuff that God is dealing with in me...things that he wants to touch and heal and restore. I have also come to realize that our sexuality, is very important to God. The things God created is important and we have a thief that comes to kill and destroy and my personal belief is that this thief comes to distort and deceive and that is part of living in a sinful and fallen world.

Today...I kinda feel like venting. To just get things out of my head. It's late though and I have a full day tomorrow.

Pray for us, as we continue to seek God and His heart for his children.

a side - b side = forgiveness

Oh there is this buzz in the air...a hum of activity. People reading, searching out blogs that have any reference to the latest Gay Christian Network Conference recently held in Orlando.

The comments have been flying as to why the President of Exodus was asked to be on the panel discussion. This has raised a lot of concern on both what people term side a and b.

I was sent the audio of the panel to listen to. I spent a couple of hours digesting what was said, the feelings that came across as I listened and then afterwards let it rest for a while as the thoughts began to "percolate" around my mind. A few days later, I began reading responses and comments from various people.

I won't expound on any one person, as there is just too many people writing on this event. (I do want to remind readers and I have to remind myself as well, that we can get caught up in various arenas of thought and expressions that we lose sight of getting out there and serving. There are many people in need and we are called to cloth, feed, comfort and take care of people...so lets do it)

I came away from listening and reading with a couple of thoughts.

For me, I had some serious trauma growing up. If we study brain science (Dr. Karl Lehman is doing some great work in this field) we can see that many people have some form of trauma in their lives (trauma can be described as some form of event that caused us to record/interpret an event falsely due to varying factors (this usually happens in childhood), it can be from not receiving legitimate emotional or basic things, and it can also be severe abusive experiences, emotional, spiritual, physical or sexual).
For myself, it was many of those factors, which caused me to begin to interpret all the things that I saw and experienced around me. To an outsider, we all looked pretty normal but on the inside, I was pretty messed up.

What I am getting at here...is that we will walk in relationships, talk to people out of our experiences in life. We can hold on to deep wounds...we can use that to whip or hurl anger at another person, we can hold on to unforgiveness while holding a placard up saying...we deserve an apology!! All of this within the body of Christ.

For myself, I've had to lay a lot down. I have had to continually walk out forgiving others...and letting go. Sometimes, in my humanness, I pick it back up, carry it again, but it becomes toxic and I am reminded...oh ya, this stinks. So back I go again, forgiving.

A few thoughts flew around as I listened.
1. Does culture owe me an apology for saying to me "once gay always gay?"
2. Does culture owe me an apology for saying to me "you're just lying to yourself"?
3. Does culture owe me an apology for saying to me "you're in a mixed orientation marriage"?
4. Does culture owe me?

When I broke up with my gay partner (because our relationship had fallen apart) and then met the Lord who drew me out of a gay identity paradigm...calling me to walk authentically in my faith...and then my ex partner took me to the cleaners and ultimately, I was left with almost nothing financially...DOES HE OWE ME?

WHO OWES ME? When I think about all the hurt and the unforgiveness that I listen to and hear, I think...no one owes us anything...but rather...we owe Jesus... EVERYTHING!
This isn't to just pat people on the back and tell them to get over their pain. On the contrary...it is saying...your pain is important and Jesus is able to carry it and allow you to let it go and to not carry it again. Because it becomes smelly and stinky and you become the very thing you can't forgive.

No ones life is free from pain or sorrow, some type of grief or wounding. When we hold on to unforgiveness...we begin to tell...yell...proclaim that the other person needs to STOP, the other person needs to pay...the other person is horrible. We begin to paint a picture with broad strokes putting everyone who may be associated with that person on the same canvas. If I can be so bold as to say, this is true for those on SIDE A and SIDE B. (and I kinda hate that whole side a and b descriptive...or the us vs them)

Another thought that came was "we are all human...and to human is to fall short and hurt others...we will do that...it's inevitable! But to offer grace and mercy to others is a great blessing, something that we don't do well, when entitlement and unforgiveness is holding us hostage."

I've also been described as being in a mixed orientation marriage...the fact that I am still same sex attracted, but married to a woman...who also was at one point same sex attracted (who by the way...isn't anymore), this descriptive isn't fair nor correct. I would rather say it as I am in a mixed gender marriage...I am a man, married to a woman. My orientation...is no longer defined by my sex drive. My orientation is now defined by my creator, and in him, I am a new creation, the old has passed away. That is one reason I no longer hold the descriptive that I am gay. That isn't who I am anymore. I mean no disrespect, but I stand on scripture and who I am called.

In the end...we have all been wounded...and we have all wounded. None of us is perfect, and none of us will be perfect. What we do with that is up to us. We can continue to carry our placard...pounding our fists...or we can lay down the stink...and get on with it. Forgiveness begins with a simple statement, and then a lifelong journey to continually lay it down at the cross.

So side a...and side b...it's all up to you! What are you doing to do?

Gender and Sexuality...is it really that important?

I have had several emails from those who read my last column “Born this way? CC August 22, 2011), and I want to thank all my readers for taking the time to consider the words that I put together. This column dealt with social issues, focusing primarily on same gender attraction and the church.

To some, this issue may be something we “just don’t talk about,” while to others there may be an attitude of “what’s the big deal, it really isn’t much different than someone dealing with heterosexual lust issues.” I believe that our gender and sexual identities are very important not just for us, but to God and how he designed us. Culturally speaking, we live in a hostile climate. My mom, who has spoken along side my wife and I at various settings, states that there is a “climate change” that is happening and she’s not talking about the environment. Rather, she’s talking about a change in how the church and society views gender and identity. Some church communities are slowly becoming an affirming place for those who are gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgendered, and by doing so are encouraging these people to continue walking in their broken state rather than offering the hope of restoration through Jesus Christ.

Gender and sexual identities are important. I believe that God formed us and made us male and female, and that he created us to be this way for a reason. Specifically, he did this so that we could bear his image to the world around us as we walk in whole and holy relationships with the opposite sex. What we are seeing is a distortion of gender, a confusion regarding sexual identity and an embrace of a fallen, broken state. The enemy of God loves this. The enemy of God (Satan, Devil or whatever name you call him), wants to wipe God off the face of the earth. He will do whatever he can to accomplish this. This is a bold claim, but I believe that one of the last frontiers that the enemy has is our gender and our sexuality. Abortion has been going on for years, killing innocent babies. Babies that God knew, created and had plans for. The enemy continues to have his hand in the whole area of abortion, but that isn’t enough. If he can distort the image of God in any way, then he has done his job.

Someone who read my last column asked me “Really, what is so different about same gender strugglers?” For myself, I came to the place of realizing that my unwanted same sex attraction was no different than a heterosexual man dealing with lust (other than
the object of our lust). The root issues for me were very similar. I struggled with shame, insecurity, low self esteem, control and anger. When these core issues are triggered it caused me to seek comfort in the arms of another man. Often when these core issues are triggered for a heterosexual man dealing with sexual addiction, it causes them to seek comfort in the arms of a woman.

It’s important to realize though that those who struggle with unwanted same sex attraction come from varied background and experiences, and that the issue is very complex. It isn’t just a pat answer that will help the struggler. The person who struggles has often spent years in silence, often fearing a negative response from those in their community, specifically within the body of Christ. How we respond and how we love is very important to those who struggle with gender and sexual identity issues. If what I believe is true regarding the enemy destroying God’s image by distorting gender, then the body of Christ needs to rise to be a different voice, a voice of hope and restoration. It needs to rise to it’s place as a community of grace and truth. Affirming and bringing people into the healing presence of Jesus Christ is crucial. Loving people and being truthful about our own broken places will hopefully allow others to realize that the body of Christ is a safe place to seek out the restoration of God’s intended purpose for our gender and sexual identities. This is a huge issue we are facing. One that won’t “just go away,” but is at the very heart of a God whose image depends on how we walk out our gender and sexuality.

Rest

How many times does God beckon us to find rest in Him? Or are we too busy or pre-occupied with our own lives to not hear His voice, not taking the opportunity that God our Papa is calling us to.

Today, God totally spoke to me while holding my daughter who just turned one. She was feeling under the weather and was clearly tired and fighting sleep. She was easily brought to tears, everything seemed to cause her discomfort. I recognized this and picked her up and brought her to her room. I pointed to her bed and said it was time for a nap. She looked at her bed, pointed to it and turned her head and began to cry. I could sense that she wanted desperately to fall asleep but was having a hard time calming down. So I held her in my arms, spoke gently to her, softly, reassuring her that Daddy loved her and that she was special, and that I knew she was not feeling well, and that a nap would make her feel better.
She sat in my lap, facing me, arms outstretched and her wee hands on my chest, keeping herself from putting her head on my shoulder. Yet, her little head bobbed back and forth as her eyes slowly closed and opened. My voice continuing to speak softly to her, telling her I knew how she felt, that she could put her head on my shoulder. She continued to fall asleep in that position, until finally she put her arms down, laid her head on my shoulder, let out a wimper and closed her eyes and fell fast asleep. Continuing to tell her I loved her, as I patted her back and stroked her head. I love her so much, and feel for her when she isn't feeling well. As she fell asleep, God spoke through the experience.
I felt as if God was saying, "how often do you do this with me? When you are so exausted and tired, yet you continue to try to please yourself, do it yourself, comfort yourself? When I am speaking love to you, speaking affirmation and beckoning you to just put your head down on my chest and find your rest in me?"

I began to cry, knowing all to well the areas in my own life where I refuse to go to God first. When I know my Papa is tenderly calling my name, saying "Kenny, my son, I love you so much, you'll be okay, I know you'll feel better here with me."

I remember when I was so consummed with getting my legitimate needs met through same gender sexual encounters. When I was so focused on my rights, my desires, my thoughts as a gay man, rather than handing it all over to God, allowing Him to define me, to heal me, to speak to me and to give me much needed rest. When God spoke to me in the wilderness, He affirmed me, called me out of a gay identity, into His healing hands and told me, He would be enough for me. At that moment, I placed everything in His hands. It has been an incredible journey, one that I continue to be on. God my Papa is continually reminding me of the importance of finding my rest in Him. I can easily become busy, busy as a husband, as a father, as an employee, as a musician, artist...the list could continue, yet God continues to call me, speak to me and ask that I find my rest in Him alone and out of that I find my strength to carry on.

From Captivity to Community

I just attended a conference in Wisconsin called Exodus International Regional Conference. It was a great time to connect with people who have been impacted in some way with same gender attraction. Some people came because of a spouse struggling with gender identity; some came to understand their friends or relatives who identify as gay. Most of the people who graced the conference, however, struggle themselves with same gender attraction. They have realized that fixing themselves is impossible and they are desperate to find healing and understanding of why they struggle. In that desperation they long to find a safe community.

On Sunday, people shared how the weekend had impacted them. A few people said they were scared to come. "What if I am attracted to someone?" "What happens if someone finds me attractive?" One man stood up and said, "It's like saying to an alcoholic, to find your healing you need to go to a bar and be faced with your temptation." Yet that is the very thing that someone who has a disconnect with his/her gender needs to do. When you struggle with same gender attraction, often you feel that you need to get away from that which tempts you-your own gender. Yet that is the very place you find your greatest healing. These men and women faced real fear to come to the conference in search of an accepting community.

I heard heart-wrenching stories that weekend. Many who struggle with same gender attraction have been rejected within their church communities because people are worried about inappropriate attraction. Men and women who struggle with same gender attraction are often tempted by their own genders, but those relationships are also the place where they find the greatest healing.

A Safe Place to Heal:

In my own journey out of a gay paradigm, I realized that in order to heal I had to be known and know other men in healthy ways. I couldn't allow my fear to dictate how I related to them. I had to step out into an unknown place, first with an utter dependence on God, my source of strength. Without that, I had no foundation. I had to have men who took the risk to be my friend. Who shared their own journey into manhood and their own struggles, allowing me to see that I am not as "different" as I had always assumed I was. I needed men to give me physical touch. To be unafraid to offer a hug, to embrace me as a brother, pure, healthy and whole. When I left the gay identity, I was walking away from a lot of physical touch. Physical touch that I needed - and it is a legitimate need - but it was found in unhealthy ways and outside the boundary lines of God's intent for me.

I am always encouraged as I attend conferences such as this where people know their need, face their fears and know that they are in a safe community. Sadly, this is often not found in their own communities of faith. More often, they feel pressure to be something they are not. To hide their struggle. This goes even beyond someone who struggles with their gender, but also with parents who have gay or lesbian children, or spouses of those who struggle. They fear judgement on who they are. This keeps them bound in secret and held captive by the enemy.

We all need each other. We need authentic, safe places to walk out our healing and face every issue that life may spring on us. If we don't find that authentic community within the Body of Christ, we will find it outside of that. We will find that in the arms of culture who will embrace our false identities, who will validate our anger, our unforgiveness, and our own ways of getting our needs met. May God give us the strength to rise up and take our place as safe and honest healing communities.