Tunnel Vision

My wife and I are in the midst of clearing house.  Its amazing how in 9 years of marriage you can accumulate so much 'stuff'; paper, knick knacks and journals.  We have so many journals, some full and some half started.  This morning I was going through my work journal/to do list book and I came across notes I wrote as I reflected on my driving.  These thoughts came to me as I began viewing how I drive our car and I began to slow down to 'see' others.  What I encountered was frantic people, with tunnel vision.  I had been so preoccupied with where I was going that I lost sight of others, making me a dangerous and unkind driver.  I found that we can take this attitude into ever part of our lives and can be consumed by it.

I was thinking about the human condition of 'self' and how this plays out in our every day lives.  I think this concept is something that isn't necessarily new (what is now a days!)
but still applicable and necessary for us to evaluate on an ongoing basis.

We talk about LOVE, ACCEPTANCE, DIVERSITY but let's look at the fundamental belief that 'I am here on earth to get what I need and deserve!'  

There is this Christian worship song called 'Jesus, lover of my soul' by Paul Oakley.  It's a great song and I love it.  One day as I was singing it, I changed the words to the verse to better fit how we often live out our life.

verse
It's all about me, Jesus
and all this is for me
for my glory and my fame
It's not about you
as if you should do things your way
I alone am God and I don't surrender
to your ways

If we think closely to this verse and how these words speak to our spirit, we can most likely shout out an ouch...that hurts.  Is it really all about me?

Now before you jump all over me with excuses and thoughts on surrender and 'life is to be lived to the fullest', hear me out.

If I truly evaluate my life and examine my thoughts and I keep in mind the statement; 'I am here on earth to get what I need and deserve!'
This will cause me to see life with tunnel vision, narrowing my sight to just me, myself and I.  Our narrow vision may include others from time to time, but deep down, a questions continue to nag at the very depth of our soul: "Who am I? and What am I getting out of life?"

I think of many men that I know who have left their wives or their wives have left them because they came out identified with being 'gay or lesbian' or they left their spouse because they 'fell out of love, or never loved at all' or they found 'love someplace else'.  It's tunnel vision.
We bought into the notion that self actualization, self worth is more important than commitment, respect, honor, love, integrity, hard work, faithfulness, self control, goodness...kind of similar to the fruits of the spirit! We make excuses and tell others what we want them to know which is actually just appeasing our own neediness and brokenness, because we don't want to feel pain.  I get that.  I lived it for years...and if I am honest, I still wrestle with it. 

When I came out gay identified, it was about me!  It wasn't about others.  It was me, realizing that I had to live true to myself.  It was I in the garden, the serpent handing me the fruit saying "Did God actually say that?  He wouldn't hold good back from you, would he?"  I bought into a cultural definition of worth and identity because it felt right and good.  It didn't take into account those who loved me, or people who would be hurt by my 'self actualization'.  I was applauded by society, and yet I left a trail of pain behind me as I plowed off in my own direction.  I was a relatively good guy to boot. I hated injustice (I still do) People liked me, I liked people and I tried to treat others fair.  Yet, life was about me!  I viewed success as how I would prevail and rise above and get more money.  I was busy getting!

I met a great friend in the midst of all of this 'life of self' who challenged me by the ways she lived her life.  To this day, I don't think I have met anyone who is like her.  She challenged me to see others, to value others and to give generously.  We were co-workers at a school and we began to pay things forward (before it was even popular!)  Kindness; how could we be kind?  How could we lighten someone's day?  We tried secret pals, we created events like goody days that went all out in blessing others, and who knows the impact it had on others, but it did something to me.  It began to change how I saw people.  It slowed me down, because I needed to be intentional.

Now as a believer, I have come to realize even more, that life is not about me...and I still wrestle with that.  I still battle my own will when it comes to my interaction with my wife, my daughter, friends and those around me.  I'd love to say that I have laid down all my selfishness at the cross and live totally free of that.  Hardly.  There are still decisions that I mindlessly make that are fully equated to what I get out of it, rather than asking the question: "God, will you direct my decision making so you are glorified and others benefit?" 

This note that I found this morning, came at a good time as I reflect on getting rid of clutter, as I choose to allow God to continue to direct my steps and as I seek to do His perfect will and not live out of my own broken will.

Galatians 5:22-24 (The Message)

But what happens when we live God’s way? He brings gifts into our lives, much the same way that fruit appears in an orchard—things like affection for others, exuberance about life, serenity. We develop a willingness to stick with things, a sense of compassion in the heart, and a conviction that a basic holiness permeates things and people. We find ourselves involved in loyal commitments, not needing to force our way in life, able to marshal and direct our energies wisely.
Legalism is helpless in bringing this about; it only gets in the way. Among those who belong to Christ, everything connected with getting our own way and mindlessly responding to what everyone else calls necessities is killed off for good—crucified.

Love Others - Fulfill the Law

Romans 13:8-10 stood out to me today as I was reading.

Let no debt remain outstanding, except the continuing debt to love one another, for he who loves his fellow man has fulfilled the law.  The commandments, "Do not commit adultery," "Do not murder," "Do not steal," and whatever other commandment there may be, are summed up in this one rule: "Love your neighbor as yourself."  Therefore love is the fulfillment of the law.

Prior to these verses Paul talks about submission to Authorities, Unbelief, Future Glory, God's Sovereignty, Dead to sin, alive in Christ, Marriage, Sin, Slaves, Faith, Peace, Joy, Faithfulness -God's...and much more.

There's a lot packed into the book of Romans but these verses stood out and what grabbed my attention are the words; "for he who loves his fellow man has fulfilled the law" and; "whatever other commandment there may be, are summed up in this one rule: Love your neighbor as yourself."

It seems to me that we can distort these words to say, it's okay, just love one another.  That my behavior really doesn't matter, or shouldn't matter to you.  If we just say, Love your neighbor as yourself and don't go into more detail we missed the boat! 

How I read the word of God this morning was through the lens of what I do affects those around me.  My actions are not just specifically mine.  When I chose Jesus as Lord of my life, I gave him full deed to my being.  Not just a part here or there, but every part.  I'm in the process of a spiritual renovation so to speak, and one that will continue until I see Jesus face to face.  Jesus bought and paid for a run down, used up home, with a pink with gold speckled back splash, a leaky roof, a leaky foundation, probably some ant infestation, old windows, poor insulation, a broken fence (boundary) and the list goes on!  Slowly in time, He beings to renovate.  One area at a time.  Sure He can probably tear down the whole house, but he chooses to renovate the way He needs to and the way I need him to. He respects me, and in this place I think He commands me to live well.

If I love Him, love myself and love my neighbor, I will realize that to commit adultery, murder, steal, or whatever 'other' commandment there is means that I am not living in love.  When I view my actions as just my own, I am living a life not pleasing to God, nor others or myself.  I am not walking in love.

Culturally speaking, I have the right to be whoever I want to be.  My choice or decision is mine.  No one has the right to speak against this decision.  If you do, its a violation of my human right.  Or is it?

The culture around us has set up some rules, some boundary lines for us in the laws they have set up.  These are good.  But why are people breaking them?  Maybe because it's all about us?  It's my life!

Law is set for our good and the good of others.  If we didn't have it humans would be left with their broken vices and that is a scary thought.  Yet in the midst of set laws we push the boundary lines, blur the edges to see how much I can get away with.  Maybe I won't be caught!

Let's use speeding as an example because this causes a bit of stir whenever I talk about it.  We have laws of speed control for reasons of safety.  Yet, this is usually one of the areas we want to break or give excuses to break;  "Everyone else is doing it," "There aren't any police enforcing this area," "I always do it," "I'm a safe driver."  Until we get caught.  Then we grumble, complain, and spout out our anger at the law set for us for our good and the good of others.  What happens when we speed, cause an accident and maybe kill someone else? 

Using this example, we see that we thought of ourselves.  We weren't acting in love, rather we in our selfishness decided that it was all about us.  We weren't concerned about others or the ramification of our decision and choice on another person.  To really love my neighbor would mean, I see past my own "feeling," "my right" and see that they have more value than me. 

So today, as you live for JUST TODAY...how can you set down your own rights, your own feelings, and think of others.  Think of how you can behave in a way that takes the focus off you...and on to another person.  In doing so the fulfillment of the law happens.  When you begin to love others, you begin to follow the law.  Jesus came not to destroy the law but to fulfill it.  As we walk in obedience, denying ourselves and taking up the cross and loving others, we live in accordance to the boundaries set for us. 

The Death of Kendra

The Title of this post could bring some question as to what I'm writing about.  Did a friend or someone I know pass away?  Am I writing about someone who has died?

To be frank, yes!  I am writing about a death of some sort, but not a physical death of something but rather an idea and a thought process that used to take up a lot of my time. 

I awoke this morning from a vivid dream.  One that caused me to pause and reflect and think about discipleship and walking life freely in love with God my Father who directs my steps, who places guard rails on the path for my well being, and then exhorts me to walk with others, showing them the love of Jesus.

Psalm 16:5-9 reads:

5The LORD is the portion of my inheritance and my cup;
  You support my lot.
6The lines have fallen to me in pleasant places;
  Indeed, my heritage is beautiful to me.
7I will bless the LORD who has counseled me;
  Indeed, my mind instructs me in the night.
8I have set the LORD continually before me;
  Because He is at my right hand, I will not be shaken.
9Therefore my heart is glad and my glory rejoices;
  My flesh also will dwell securely.

With this in minds, my dream was about this man who went by the name Kendra!  I knew it was me, dressed and living as a woman.  I was with a group of transgendered people both men and women and we were entering into a movie theater.  There were empty seats all around the theater yet none together, so we all sat by ourselves.  The movie was just beginning when a man shouted out obscenities toward the group.  It was degrading and horrific.  I felt in that moment this surge of justice and with all the courage I could muster, I stood up and spoke to the crowd.  I spoke clearly that no one had the right to treat others like that, especially when you have no clue as to who that person is and what they are going through or been through.  

I can't remember everything that I said, but I called for the man who spoke the obscenities to be man enough to stand up!  I expected a large physical man to stand, but a short, thin man appeared.  With remorse in his eyes, I could tell that he was sorry for the words that he had spoken.

When I woke up, I wondered why I had this dream and what the purpose of it was.  The more I meditated on it, I felt like God was saying, "Kenny, Kendra is dead!  Even the thought of Kendra is now dead!"  I felt as if God was reminding me that even though for me, Kendra is dead, we are still called to be like Jesus in how we talk and love those to whom we may not understand.

I look at my life and realize that yes, the thought of being "Kendra" is done!  God has transplanted His ways and His thoughts into my mind and heart.  He had reclaimed my identity and affirmed my gender identity to how He formed and created me to be.  Fully man!  Will old patterns of thought still make it's way to my consciousness?  Of course, that's what defines me as human.  But these thoughts need not control me or cause me to re-think who I am in Christ.  I no longer need to assume a false identity or create one to appease the broken places within me.

I believe that God was showing me in this dream that despite my best efforts, when I take matters into my own hands, Kendra can live, and yet when I submit my life to God...every part of my life, Kenny lives!  In the midst of all of this, I have no right to tear someone down and call out obscenities.  What I felt God saying is GET INVOLVED and get to know people where their at.  When you have no clue on how to respond or what to say, pray that God bring you into people's lives, so you can walk out your faith authentically!