Orlando Loving

Every where you look on social media there is some news on the Orlando shooting.  I saw the faces of the men and women who lost their lives and my heart grieved!  It is a senseless tragedy which no one wishes on anyone.  My deepest condolences to each family and their friends.

I reflect on the fact that 11 years ago, this could have been me.  I frequented gay bars and I enjoyed meeting people, loved to drink and dance my cares away.  I read a write up on one of the victims and she loved going to the bars as she felt like she could just be herself.  I get that!

My prayers are with the families and friends who are now 'missing' those they loved!

My prayers are also with people who use this as a platform to spew ignorance and hate, and to those who use this to paint 'Christian's or people of other faiths' as bigots, homophobic, haters, etc.

I read a report by Neil McDonald, Senior Correspondent from CBC http://www.cbc.ca/news/politics/orlando-religion-anti-gay-bigotry-1.3631994?cmp=rss
who writes not on the issue of humanity gone wrong due to hate, but he brings in question of whether or not we need to have a conversation (which he states is overdue) regarding certain religions attitudes toward gays!

He starts the article with the story of the killing of Women in Montreal (a terrible tragedy as well)
and uses it to begin that not just the killing was bad but hatred toward women includes telling jokes about women, smiling at the jokes, or being sexist.  (I agree, but take a look at advertising, media, entertainment and we have a whole lot of growing up to do yet!)

He lays down that this too is where we are landing with gay intolerance, specifically within religions.  He quotes old testament scripture, the city of Sodom, and talks about the Muslim religion, and strongly portrays that homosexuality is an abomination, punishable by death.

He goes on to say "People of faith might ask themselves this; even if they've never so much as lifted a hand to a gay person, have they smiled at a homophobic joke?  Or overlooked mistreatment?  Or nodded during an anti-gay sermon?"

I get that too.  I lived a closeted life in the church for 20 years.  Secretly hoping no one would find out about my conflicting sense of gender and sexuality.  I heard little hope for anyone who struggled with homosexuality and transgenderism.  I eventually came out as a gay identified man (who also struggled with deep gender identity issues) and I had what I viewed as a valid chip on my shoulder.  I had a negative view of religion, and God and I was adamant that I would not be told by anyone how to live my life, and if they judged me, I wrote them off as a bigot, homophobe and a stupid ignorant $&^%#.  (I did have some good friends who identified as Christians who extended authentic love to me during this time!  They remain my dearest of friends!)

Then nearly a decade into this security that I had created for myself, I had an encounter with God, which changed my life.  It was His love, not hate, that propelled me to Jesus!  I submitted my whole life before him and he began to integrate my sexuality, identity, gender and heal and restore some deep wounds. I no longer identify as a gay man.  I continue to struggle with unwanted same sex attraction at times, but it is no longer a heavy weight of shame.  I seek to remain faithful to a God whose faithfulness is far greater than mine.  Whose love is beyond compare.

As I fearfully walked back into an evangelical community of believers, I openly talked about my journey, life, and struggles and I found others who embraced and loved me unconditionally.  I encountered others who got this thing called love.

As the world continues to talk more and more about hate, to which I have experienced first hand, lets maybe talk more about the underlying issue which is FEAR.

I have experienced hateful actions caused by peoples fears.  When you do not have answers or an understanding of something you can allow fear to rule your body, rather than love.  I encountered that within the Church and from those within the LGBT community.  What Neil McDonald is laying down in this article is actually quite scary.  He may not even see it, but he is categorizing 'all evangelical Christians and Muslims' as hateful, because their belief on homosexuality is different than the culture around them.  In this place he is fostering a posture of fear, which will only cause greater misunderstanding.  To value diversity is to say that I can have a belief which may be different than yours, yet, I will still love and care for you as a human.

In these days and during tragedies such as the Orlando shootings, let's kick fear to the curb, rather than kick one another and how about we let love win the day.

Exodus Part 1

Exodus shuts down

Part I

(previously published in the Christian Courier)

On June 20, when Exodus International announced its closure at the Annual Freedom Conference, it was big news. Many editorials, blog posts and news articles have been written about the closure and about the apology that Alan Chambers extended toward those who have been hurt by the ministry of Exodus International (see Christian Courier, July 8). I've deliberately taken time to process this before writing about it myself. I was the Canadian Exodus Regional Representative. I am grateful that there have been no media requests in regards to that role, and sense that to be the Lord's hand of protection over myself and my family.

Before I comment on the closure of Exodus, I need to bring context to my experience with the organization. 

In 2005, God encountered me. It was life-changing. He met me, a gay-identified man, while I was going through a tough transition. I feebly cried out to God to help me and he gave me a choice to leave my Egypt. Would I go through the wilderness to the promised land, or continue on in the life I had made for myself? I chose to follow God, and with a joy that I had not experienced before, I chose to walk away from identifying myself as a gay man and to trust that God would meet my every need.

Many people couldn't understand my decision; being gay had been my liberation, which I proudly waved around for all to see. But when I encountered God, who asked me to live differently, I proudly waved his banner over my life instead. I chose to be transparent about my journey with same sex attraction, knowing that life wasn't necessarily going to be easy or free of struggles -- rather, that I would face my sinful humanness for the rest of my life.

I attended my first Exodus Conference in 2005 in North Carolina. It impacted my life! I heard testimonies of people walking the journey of sanctification. I attended workshops where I learned how to live a disciplined life and how to honour God with my sexuality. At no time did I perceive or interpret that I would ever be free of this struggle. Yet I fully recognize that each individual interprets and perceives things differently, due in part to their own journey and where they are at in their lives. God had already told me that life in the wilderness wasn't going to be easy, but I had this joy and peace that transcended my own understanding.

Extended family

I met other men and women who shared their own experiences and it encouraged my faith. I was reminded of Scriptures that speak of always encouraging and spurring one another on toward the finish line. It was clear God had placed people into my life to do that, for which I am forever grateful.

Worship was probably the biggest highlight for me. I wrote in my journal that I had experienced hundreds of desperate people, who recognized their desperate need of Jesus! Worship came out of this place and it was powerful. Why? Because people were taking their eyes off themselves to worship the one true God.

I spent the next eight years attending both the Exodus International Freedom Conferences and the Exodus Regional Conferences. I always left encouraged, built up, strengthened and fed! For the most part, these conferences gave me a BOOST! I was already knit together with a local church community: I was known by others and was working in full time ministry. But these conferences gave me the ability to talk with others in similar ministry, serve attendees through prayer and encouragement -- they were like my extended family. They were like those family members who fully “get” you, even if you don't see them all the time.

Some attendees were not “known” in their local communities, and so these conferences gave them the ability to be known in a safe environment where they too could be encouraged and supported.

I think, fundamentally speaking, the breakdown of effectiveness begins when local churches or church families send people away to receive ministry. When members have to go outside of their own community to deal with the messiness of life, regardless of the issues they face, because the local community isn't equipped to walk closely with those seeking help, that's not ideal.

I know hundreds of people who struggle with same gender attraction. Yet, sadly, I only know a handful of people who attended an Exodus Freedom Conference without having struggled themselves with same gender issues. Those who did attend are the people who know what it means to become a safe place for others. They know mess and welcome it, even if they don't fully know how to minister effectively. What they learned is that they too need Jesus desperately to meet them as they walk with others.

When Exodus International closed, some people grieved; others rejoiced. Regardless of your perspective, I am thankful for the role that the Exodus Freedom Conferences played in my life. I received a spiritual booster shot, which equipped me to go home to what can be a dry and weary land.

The Death of Kendra

The Title of this post could bring some question as to what I'm writing about.  Did a friend or someone I know pass away?  Am I writing about someone who has died?

To be frank, yes!  I am writing about a death of some sort, but not a physical death of something but rather an idea and a thought process that used to take up a lot of my time. 

I awoke this morning from a vivid dream.  One that caused me to pause and reflect and think about discipleship and walking life freely in love with God my Father who directs my steps, who places guard rails on the path for my well being, and then exhorts me to walk with others, showing them the love of Jesus.

Psalm 16:5-9 reads:

5The LORD is the portion of my inheritance and my cup;
  You support my lot.
6The lines have fallen to me in pleasant places;
  Indeed, my heritage is beautiful to me.
7I will bless the LORD who has counseled me;
  Indeed, my mind instructs me in the night.
8I have set the LORD continually before me;
  Because He is at my right hand, I will not be shaken.
9Therefore my heart is glad and my glory rejoices;
  My flesh also will dwell securely.

With this in minds, my dream was about this man who went by the name Kendra!  I knew it was me, dressed and living as a woman.  I was with a group of transgendered people both men and women and we were entering into a movie theater.  There were empty seats all around the theater yet none together, so we all sat by ourselves.  The movie was just beginning when a man shouted out obscenities toward the group.  It was degrading and horrific.  I felt in that moment this surge of justice and with all the courage I could muster, I stood up and spoke to the crowd.  I spoke clearly that no one had the right to treat others like that, especially when you have no clue as to who that person is and what they are going through or been through.  

I can't remember everything that I said, but I called for the man who spoke the obscenities to be man enough to stand up!  I expected a large physical man to stand, but a short, thin man appeared.  With remorse in his eyes, I could tell that he was sorry for the words that he had spoken.

When I woke up, I wondered why I had this dream and what the purpose of it was.  The more I meditated on it, I felt like God was saying, "Kenny, Kendra is dead!  Even the thought of Kendra is now dead!"  I felt as if God was reminding me that even though for me, Kendra is dead, we are still called to be like Jesus in how we talk and love those to whom we may not understand.

I look at my life and realize that yes, the thought of being "Kendra" is done!  God has transplanted His ways and His thoughts into my mind and heart.  He had reclaimed my identity and affirmed my gender identity to how He formed and created me to be.  Fully man!  Will old patterns of thought still make it's way to my consciousness?  Of course, that's what defines me as human.  But these thoughts need not control me or cause me to re-think who I am in Christ.  I no longer need to assume a false identity or create one to appease the broken places within me.

I believe that God was showing me in this dream that despite my best efforts, when I take matters into my own hands, Kendra can live, and yet when I submit my life to God...every part of my life, Kenny lives!  In the midst of all of this, I have no right to tear someone down and call out obscenities.  What I felt God saying is GET INVOLVED and get to know people where their at.  When you have no clue on how to respond or what to say, pray that God bring you into people's lives, so you can walk out your faith authentically!  



 

 

Bill 18 Anti-WHAT?

Today, news hit when a large evangelical church in a relatively conservative town was covered in the Winnipeg Free Press.  I hadn't had the opportunity to read the article yet, but I already had a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach.  When I did read it, it confirmed the sinking feeling.

Having worked for the last 7 years in a ministry which seeks to be a safe and confidential place for those dealing with relational and sexual issues including gender issues, this article didn't sit well with me.

Let me begin by saying that Bill 18 is flawed.  There are many parts of the Bill that will only propagate bullying and in its segregated statements it will only facilitate an us vs them state of mind.  As I read the Bill I wonder about a huge segment of kids left to in the fray of a specific agenda...

...the disabled kid...the fat kid...skinny kid...acne prone kid...the geek...the nerd...the jock...the cheerleader...the slut...the virgin...the fag...the dyke...the fairy...the bucktoothed beaver...the Christian...the Sikh...the atheist...the black...the white...the native...the Asian...and the list goes one!

The Bill is flawed when it comes to 90% of the population who in their own right have a right not to be bullied.  I love groups, especially ones that provide a safe and respectful environment, but this bill has only identified one specific issue...the gay one!  If we can get a handle on this one which is the most prevalent then we've done good....right?  Okay...lets just stop right here for a minute or two.

From the age of 11...bullying began.  I was called every name in the book...tossed around in school...every day (yes every day) until I was 17 I was subjected to ridicule and harassment.  Even some teachers took their insecurities out on me...only to further push me further into a mess of confusion.  Was the school safe for me?  NO.  But neither was the community.  I had a few good friends, but for the most part growing up in small town Manitoba (hockey haven), I didn't fit the mold.  I rubbed up against the insecurity of those around me.  Running the water in the sink with the razor in my hand shocked me and I couldn't do it.  Holding the pills in my hand wanting desperately to pop them and just go to sleep...shook me awake.  Things changed when I switched schools and went to a private one in grade 12...or did they?

Kids were still picked on...having had traumatic experiences of bullying, I could well see subtle and blatant bullying...social standing vs poverty, jock vs geek, but it was subtle and yet still damaging to both the bully and the victim.  Most kids who are bullied also bully!

Even after high school, moving back to my home town, I remember kids chasing me in a vehicle, taunting me, yelling obscenities...why?  Because I was different and they couldn't deal with their insecurity...and most likely they too were bullied!

Years later I came out and proclaimed my gay identity as my right and I was adamant that no one would hurt me, ridicule me or do this to others, regarding their gender, sexuality or for any matter.  I worked for 20 years in the daycare and school system and fought hard to do my part to stop bullying.  I jumped on the EGALE bandwagon and began to see a focus that wasn't healthy.  Sure, this segment of the population needs a safe place...but so does every kid!  Regardless of who or what they are.

Then because of my faith, I chose to not identify myself as gay and sought to understand the complexities of my gender and sexuality, surprisingly I faced bullying again.  Subtle bullying as well as blatant.  I was now taunted and ridiculed by those to whom I fought for!  The ones that were bullied were now bullying me.  Saying I was hateful, a bigot and a liar.  I was slandered and run through the mud.  Even though I have a differing view, I also view everyone's decision to live their life...just that...THEIRS.  Does it affect me?  Sometimes, but I am called to be Christ's hands and feet.  I am called to love my neighbor and we find our commonality in our human-ness a need to feel safe and respected.  When this isn't felt, insecurities and projections and anger rise it's ugly head!

I wonder...ARE YOU GETTING IT?  Do you see a bigger picture in this?  I do!

I see that this Bill 18 is not the answer.  The bigger picture is..."Are our children safe?"  When I sit back and think about that...I don't think they are.  None of us can be there fully for our children 24/7.  They are at risk everywhere they go.  We as parents need to be intentional in EVERYTHING we do.  We need to be involved and not passive as we parent our children.  Who is raising our children?  TV, VIDEO GAMES, TEACHERS, DAY CARES, GOVERNMENT?  We need to be talking with our kids about differences and how in the midst of even our own fears and the complexities of life

Even though Bill 18 is flawed and not the answer, the reality is that there is something much bigger going on.  Is the answer fighting?
Is the answer apathy?

I think people on both sides of this Bill need to see a BIGGER picture of the necessity of keeping ALL children safe from bullying.  Being respectful of a very diverse world with which we live in.

Part of this process is realizing that for years the 'church' has been relatively silent.  Only rising up when something comes close to causing discomfort and uneasiness, but in the silence they have lost their voice of influence.  If you want influence and the ability to speak out about a certain subject, it's walking in the very area you want to be influential.  It's being that safe and respectful place.  It's seeking out wisdom and understanding, it's speaking and being proactive on education and not keeping your head in the sand, hoping the issue will just go away.

When we want to proclaim truth...we need to marry that with the grace extended to us...showing the mercy of Jesus.

New Shoes

New Shoes - previously published in Christian Courier

The Lord spoke a profound word to me this past month, through a very innocent act done by my 2 ½ year old.  As I was getting ready to go out for a meeting my daughter brought me a pair of shoes.  She proudly carried them to my feet and promptly put them down right in front of me and said, “Daddy’s shoes?”

I looked down and didn’t see my shoes but the shoes of my wife.  Red wedges, definitely not mine.  Phoebe waited there patiently for me to put them on.  I told her that these shoes would not fit Daddy and that they weren’t mine but that they were Mommy’s.  She didn’t move.  I showed her as I slipped my bare feet into them that my feet were too big.  My toes fit, but my heels hung a good 3 inches off the back.  She stood smiling as I showed her that these were not a good fit.  Sure, I could walk in them and get around in them but they were not mine. 

I took them off, put them in the closet and grabbed my shoes and put them on, showing her that they fit my feet perfectly and that these were in fact Daddy’s shoes.  Little did Phoebe or I know the significance of her innocent action or what God would again remind me of later that week?  I left it at that and went to my meeting not thinking twice about those shoes or Phoebe’s insistence that those red wedges were Daddy’s. 

That week in Church I was playing the piano for the worship team and as we were singing I got a picture of those red wedges and my feet in them.  I was taken back a bit and kept playing but then felt the Lord say to me that He has given me new shoes, ones that fit my feet perfectly and that in these shoes I could stand upright, strong, a man capable of being a husband, father, brother and son.  I was reminded of the time when I used to wear shoes like that.  When my masculinity was so broken and my identity marred due to circumstances in my childhood.  I had always secretly hoped that I could eventually become a woman.  I was reminded of the times I used to wear my mom’s shoes, pretending to be just like her.  I wished that I could wear shoes like that without shame or fear of being ridiculed and called names.  I had always felt odd in my skin, in my gender and even though at the time I was comfortable being gay, my secret longing was that I could eventually have gender reassignment surgery and that would be the final answer for this empty feeling inside. 

God met me in a profound way which stopped that process from ever happening.  My masculinity and sense of gender healed through submitting my life over to God and for him to set things in order so that I could stand secure in whom I was clearly designed to be.  I am grateful to God as I look at my life and all that He has done and blessed me with.  To know that without him my life could have looked very different than what it is today.

Those shoes reminded me of my past, but the greater reminder was God saying that he has given me new shoes, a new identity, one that he had intended from the beginning when he knit me together in my mother’s womb.  These new shoes fit and the other ones never did.  No matter what I could do those red wedges would always be shoes that would never quite match the DNA of my feet.  I felt like God was speaking this as a reminder to me but also to all of us.  I walked many years in the wrong shoes, even though God had something better for me, but he has the same gift for all of us.  He calls each one of us to take off the shoes that don’t fit and allow Him to fit us with those perfect fitting shoes.  New shoes, ready for us to walk in the fullness of who we were created to be all along.  Are you ready to take off your shoes?  Because God, your Father who knew you before anyone else did is ready to fit you with ones that fit you perfectly.