Love Others - Fulfill the Law

Romans 13:8-10 stood out to me today as I was reading.

Let no debt remain outstanding, except the continuing debt to love one another, for he who loves his fellow man has fulfilled the law.  The commandments, "Do not commit adultery," "Do not murder," "Do not steal," and whatever other commandment there may be, are summed up in this one rule: "Love your neighbor as yourself."  Therefore love is the fulfillment of the law.

Prior to these verses Paul talks about submission to Authorities, Unbelief, Future Glory, God's Sovereignty, Dead to sin, alive in Christ, Marriage, Sin, Slaves, Faith, Peace, Joy, Faithfulness -God's...and much more.

There's a lot packed into the book of Romans but these verses stood out and what grabbed my attention are the words; "for he who loves his fellow man has fulfilled the law" and; "whatever other commandment there may be, are summed up in this one rule: Love your neighbor as yourself."

It seems to me that we can distort these words to say, it's okay, just love one another.  That my behavior really doesn't matter, or shouldn't matter to you.  If we just say, Love your neighbor as yourself and don't go into more detail we missed the boat! 

How I read the word of God this morning was through the lens of what I do affects those around me.  My actions are not just specifically mine.  When I chose Jesus as Lord of my life, I gave him full deed to my being.  Not just a part here or there, but every part.  I'm in the process of a spiritual renovation so to speak, and one that will continue until I see Jesus face to face.  Jesus bought and paid for a run down, used up home, with a pink with gold speckled back splash, a leaky roof, a leaky foundation, probably some ant infestation, old windows, poor insulation, a broken fence (boundary) and the list goes on!  Slowly in time, He beings to renovate.  One area at a time.  Sure He can probably tear down the whole house, but he chooses to renovate the way He needs to and the way I need him to. He respects me, and in this place I think He commands me to live well.

If I love Him, love myself and love my neighbor, I will realize that to commit adultery, murder, steal, or whatever 'other' commandment there is means that I am not living in love.  When I view my actions as just my own, I am living a life not pleasing to God, nor others or myself.  I am not walking in love.

Culturally speaking, I have the right to be whoever I want to be.  My choice or decision is mine.  No one has the right to speak against this decision.  If you do, its a violation of my human right.  Or is it?

The culture around us has set up some rules, some boundary lines for us in the laws they have set up.  These are good.  But why are people breaking them?  Maybe because it's all about us?  It's my life!

Law is set for our good and the good of others.  If we didn't have it humans would be left with their broken vices and that is a scary thought.  Yet in the midst of set laws we push the boundary lines, blur the edges to see how much I can get away with.  Maybe I won't be caught!

Let's use speeding as an example because this causes a bit of stir whenever I talk about it.  We have laws of speed control for reasons of safety.  Yet, this is usually one of the areas we want to break or give excuses to break;  "Everyone else is doing it," "There aren't any police enforcing this area," "I always do it," "I'm a safe driver."  Until we get caught.  Then we grumble, complain, and spout out our anger at the law set for us for our good and the good of others.  What happens when we speed, cause an accident and maybe kill someone else? 

Using this example, we see that we thought of ourselves.  We weren't acting in love, rather we in our selfishness decided that it was all about us.  We weren't concerned about others or the ramification of our decision and choice on another person.  To really love my neighbor would mean, I see past my own "feeling," "my right" and see that they have more value than me. 

So today, as you live for JUST TODAY...how can you set down your own rights, your own feelings, and think of others.  Think of how you can behave in a way that takes the focus off you...and on to another person.  In doing so the fulfillment of the law happens.  When you begin to love others, you begin to follow the law.  Jesus came not to destroy the law but to fulfill it.  As we walk in obedience, denying ourselves and taking up the cross and loving others, we live in accordance to the boundaries set for us. 

Feelings vs Truth...Who's in your corner?

Hebrews 3:12-13

Be careful...make sure that your own hearts are not evil and unbelieving, turning you away from the living God.  You must warn each other every day, while its still "today", so that none of you will be deceived by sin and hardened against God.  (NLT)

Do you have someone in your life who speaks truth?  Who encourages and spurs you toward Christ and His likeness?  Who cares for you and in doing so speaks into areas in your life where they see could use some encouragement or work?  Who will walk with you in your journey of faith?

I think of our need for community and the need to have others spur us onward toward the completion of the race set before us.

Jeremiah 17:9 reads "The human heart is the most deceitful of all things, and desperately wicked. Who really knows how bad it is?"

Proverbs 28:26 reads  "Those who trust in themselves (heart) are fools, but those who walk in wisdom are kept safe."

Wisdom is the word of God...the living, breathing, relevant word of God which is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow.  It is our bread and our sustenance and we can't live without it.  When we base our motives on our heart feelings, we can easily be strayed off course and onto paths which may feel good, but are far from the best for us and lead us to destruction.

I listened to my heart once and began to base my identity on how I felt, rather than the word of God.  I began silencing out solid, mature believers and trusted my heart feelings!  This led me to the path of identifying myself as a gay man who believed because I felt this way my, my sexuality was set and I controlled it.

How many of us make decisions based on the sole merit of our feelings?  When I proposed to my wife I had definite feelings for her or I wouldn't have married her.  But I also knew that God was calling me to marry her and that I had total peace as I knew this was ordained by Him.    Do my feelings change on a day to day basis as I live out married life?  You bet.  Some days it's easy to love well and to get along and we find our groove!  But there are days when it's slugging through difficult communication, misinterpretations, sleep deprivation, and child rearing.  In those times, I need to know that I have a solid foundation of covenant, commitment, perseverance, faith and I find that these are wise pieces of truths that I find in the word of God and go beyond a feeling.  It's a mindset of being committed regardless of how I feel.

I need Jesus desperately everyday to walk this out and I need my family the body of Christ to do this as well.  I need trusted brothers and sisters to speak truth to me if they see me dabbling in things I shouldn't.  I need these broken vessels to encourage me and spur me toward the goal set before me.  When I begin to veer off the path...who's there to help me?  If I have no one, I will merrily go this way and that.

So whose in your corner?  Who knows you and your heart and your life?  Who has authority to speak truth in love to you, even if it makes you boil inside, yet you know it's truth?  Who are you submitted to?

Find a good person, not a perfect person (because there isn't one), to be that person who will challenge you and who you can challenge, and thank God for them.  Pray that God brings people into your life who won't just allow you to feel good, but will challenge your 'feelings' and spur you toward holiness and the race set before you.  It's not easy and each one of us can be easily strayed by appeasing things that tug at our heart.

  

Bending the knee...

Today, I read another announcement from a young Christian leader welcoming discussion on "why he is dating men" and that he would do this the healthiest way possible because of his relationship with God.

For many people they would embrace this and celebrate his liberty and freedom and yet for me, my heart grieved.  I felt deep sadness in the statement he made.  There was no rejoicing.  My first words out of my mouth were "Lord have mercy!"  I was immediately drawn to the prodigal story.  My thoughts on all of this are for those who are believers...who have been enlightened to the truth of Jesus Christ and the full Gospel. 

Here we have a loving Father who has a son who wants desperately to go his own way.  The son sees all that he has and wants out.  He wants his freedom.  Maybe he felt too confined within the parameters of his Fathers standard.  So his goal is to get what is due him and leave.  So his father gives to him what he is owed (his inheritance) and he goes his own way.  Maybe to find himself...who he really is.  We may think the father would take a passive response...just get on with life, but he would have continually gone to the road to see if his son was coming back...day after day, month after month, year after year.  Maybe people would have mocked the Father...told him to just get on with it, forget about the son, yet I don't see the Father doing that...he waits for the day of his sons return.

Now the son...wanting liberation tries this and that to see what appeals to him.  Living his life to the fullest.  He no longer lives under the confines of his Fathers standard.  He is able to do what pleases him.  He is able to do everything that feels right.  Why would his father not allow him this freedom?  Such a backwards father, stuck in the dark ages of religion, could well have been his thoughts.  Why would a loving Father not allow me to be who I want to be and express that however I feel like?
Until it all crashes around him...when the money is gone...his friends leave and he is left alone.

As I write this...can we link this with an aspect of God handing us over to our desires and our own lusts?  Slowly and inevitably we begin to bend and accept an even broader realm of sexual expression?  We bend our knee not to God but now to a cultural humanistic expression of "what feels good".

What I imagined in this whole scenario and discussion is this:

The "church" the "bride of Christ" is adopting a definition of grace that allows us to go with our feelings.  If we do this then nothing is unacceptable.  Seriously.  Think about it.

I feel attracted to the same gender.  It's not going away as much as I want and so I'm going to still LOVE God with my whole heart and date those of the same gender.  (bending the knee)

I feel attracted to young children and this has never left me.  For as long as I know I have had this attraction so I am going to date young children.  (bending a knee)

I'm married and feel attracted to your spouse and so I'm going to leave my spouse for your spouse.  (bending a knee)

I struggle with same gender attraction and I still feel that attraction, but I'm married.  So I'm going to leave my spouse and take a position that this is what God had for me all along. (bending a knee)

I'm in love with an animal and they love me.  (bending a knee)

I'm in love with my father's wife and she loves me, so we're going to get together.  (bending a knee)

When does the bending stop?  When we begin the dialogue of one issue, we begin the dialogue of another.  We begin to lose the foundation set before us of Godly, healthy sexuality.  Designed and created by God.  Because inevitably, we stop the dialogue!  We stop being generous and gracious!  Because we will view those who hold a standard of faith and a value that sexuality is a sacred and holy expression only in the pastures of a monogamous marriage between one man and one woman as hateful and archaic and unattainable to those in the margins.  That we are being mean and unsympathetic to those who face something different as their reality.  If we welcome the bending of the knee we actually have to lay something down, I have to sacrifice something.  What we lay down is the standard set before us, not from an archaic God who is just out to get us, break us, pound us, enslave us, but one who knows the good of what is best for us in a broken and sinful world.  Who calls us into the fullness of life with Him and to live within the boundary lines that have fallen in good pasture.

Can we use the theory that because we live in a fallen and broken state, if my sexuality is broken than it's okay to embrace my broken sexuality and that God will bring it glory.  We can make license by saying the Church has a double standard, accepting divorced/remarried people to the church but we won't allow gay Christian's there.  These are all excuses to follow our own desires and place ourselves before God.
We proclaim  "God...it's messed up down here, and since you're not doing anything, I will take matters into my own hands...and oh ya...can you bless me too?"  Can you bless my idol worship?

That goes contrary to who God is.  God won't bless idolatry!  Or can he?  You might say...Kenny, that is a hateful thing to say.  But you know what?  If I don't fear God and holiness...I will seek to sooth people.  To pat them and say...ya...that's okay, keep living in the mud and mire and keep saying it's okay and keep saying God will bless it.  But in all honesty can we say that he hands you over?  Things get more muddled and more welcoming and pretty soon, everything that feels good, is good.

I saw this in my own life.  I began believing that same theology.  I listened to the feel good messages of humanism.  Since I always struggled with same gender attraction and God never took it away, I must be gay and I then cannot deny these feelings anymore.  No one had the right to speak what I didn't want to hear.  You needed to bend to my view and if not...you were hateful and unloving.  "Keep your opinion to your self...you self righteous Christian...who excuses all other sin...but mine..."

Some of that was truth...because the bride was looking pretty messy and bending their knee to easy answers and solutions.  Why stay with your spouse after they had an affair?  You have every right to divorce them?
Falling out of love...this is too hard...okay, lets part ways and find our true love and remarry!  Hard realities of truth?  Maybe!

Yet...I saw for myself a different picture of a loving Father who waited for me...but he also released me to go and live contrary to his heart for me.  He never once blessed my actions and said..."Oh Kenny, what you are doing is great!"  He did say this though "I love you with an everlasting love, can you hear me Kenny?  I have so much more that I want to you show...don't settle for this, because this isn't my best for you!"

I see the end result of the prodigal as the young man sitting in the filth and mud of his own making.  His decisions and actions brought him to the mud and mire and he realizes where he is and what he is doing.  He recognizes that even the servants of his father are treated better than this.  Was he remorseful?  Was he repentant?

I think in the loving arms of his father who ran out to greet him with arms full of compassion, tears washing away the mud and mire, soothing the young mans hurt, a father extended grace in the midst of the sons repentance, now being offered much more than he deserved.  How much more is our Father who calls out to us..."My son...My daughter...I love you...come home!  Don't settle for less than what I have for you, which is so much more than what you deserve...COME let me show you My mysterious ways...I'm waiting!"

Bill 18 Anti-WHAT?

Today, news hit when a large evangelical church in a relatively conservative town was covered in the Winnipeg Free Press.  I hadn't had the opportunity to read the article yet, but I already had a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach.  When I did read it, it confirmed the sinking feeling.

Having worked for the last 7 years in a ministry which seeks to be a safe and confidential place for those dealing with relational and sexual issues including gender issues, this article didn't sit well with me.

Let me begin by saying that Bill 18 is flawed.  There are many parts of the Bill that will only propagate bullying and in its segregated statements it will only facilitate an us vs them state of mind.  As I read the Bill I wonder about a huge segment of kids left to in the fray of a specific agenda...

...the disabled kid...the fat kid...skinny kid...acne prone kid...the geek...the nerd...the jock...the cheerleader...the slut...the virgin...the fag...the dyke...the fairy...the bucktoothed beaver...the Christian...the Sikh...the atheist...the black...the white...the native...the Asian...and the list goes one!

The Bill is flawed when it comes to 90% of the population who in their own right have a right not to be bullied.  I love groups, especially ones that provide a safe and respectful environment, but this bill has only identified one specific issue...the gay one!  If we can get a handle on this one which is the most prevalent then we've done good....right?  Okay...lets just stop right here for a minute or two.

From the age of 11...bullying began.  I was called every name in the book...tossed around in school...every day (yes every day) until I was 17 I was subjected to ridicule and harassment.  Even some teachers took their insecurities out on me...only to further push me further into a mess of confusion.  Was the school safe for me?  NO.  But neither was the community.  I had a few good friends, but for the most part growing up in small town Manitoba (hockey haven), I didn't fit the mold.  I rubbed up against the insecurity of those around me.  Running the water in the sink with the razor in my hand shocked me and I couldn't do it.  Holding the pills in my hand wanting desperately to pop them and just go to sleep...shook me awake.  Things changed when I switched schools and went to a private one in grade 12...or did they?

Kids were still picked on...having had traumatic experiences of bullying, I could well see subtle and blatant bullying...social standing vs poverty, jock vs geek, but it was subtle and yet still damaging to both the bully and the victim.  Most kids who are bullied also bully!

Even after high school, moving back to my home town, I remember kids chasing me in a vehicle, taunting me, yelling obscenities...why?  Because I was different and they couldn't deal with their insecurity...and most likely they too were bullied!

Years later I came out and proclaimed my gay identity as my right and I was adamant that no one would hurt me, ridicule me or do this to others, regarding their gender, sexuality or for any matter.  I worked for 20 years in the daycare and school system and fought hard to do my part to stop bullying.  I jumped on the EGALE bandwagon and began to see a focus that wasn't healthy.  Sure, this segment of the population needs a safe place...but so does every kid!  Regardless of who or what they are.

Then because of my faith, I chose to not identify myself as gay and sought to understand the complexities of my gender and sexuality, surprisingly I faced bullying again.  Subtle bullying as well as blatant.  I was now taunted and ridiculed by those to whom I fought for!  The ones that were bullied were now bullying me.  Saying I was hateful, a bigot and a liar.  I was slandered and run through the mud.  Even though I have a differing view, I also view everyone's decision to live their life...just that...THEIRS.  Does it affect me?  Sometimes, but I am called to be Christ's hands and feet.  I am called to love my neighbor and we find our commonality in our human-ness a need to feel safe and respected.  When this isn't felt, insecurities and projections and anger rise it's ugly head!

I wonder...ARE YOU GETTING IT?  Do you see a bigger picture in this?  I do!

I see that this Bill 18 is not the answer.  The bigger picture is..."Are our children safe?"  When I sit back and think about that...I don't think they are.  None of us can be there fully for our children 24/7.  They are at risk everywhere they go.  We as parents need to be intentional in EVERYTHING we do.  We need to be involved and not passive as we parent our children.  Who is raising our children?  TV, VIDEO GAMES, TEACHERS, DAY CARES, GOVERNMENT?  We need to be talking with our kids about differences and how in the midst of even our own fears and the complexities of life

Even though Bill 18 is flawed and not the answer, the reality is that there is something much bigger going on.  Is the answer fighting?
Is the answer apathy?

I think people on both sides of this Bill need to see a BIGGER picture of the necessity of keeping ALL children safe from bullying.  Being respectful of a very diverse world with which we live in.

Part of this process is realizing that for years the 'church' has been relatively silent.  Only rising up when something comes close to causing discomfort and uneasiness, but in the silence they have lost their voice of influence.  If you want influence and the ability to speak out about a certain subject, it's walking in the very area you want to be influential.  It's being that safe and respectful place.  It's seeking out wisdom and understanding, it's speaking and being proactive on education and not keeping your head in the sand, hoping the issue will just go away.

When we want to proclaim truth...we need to marry that with the grace extended to us...showing the mercy of Jesus.

New Shoes

New Shoes - previously published in Christian Courier

The Lord spoke a profound word to me this past month, through a very innocent act done by my 2 ½ year old.  As I was getting ready to go out for a meeting my daughter brought me a pair of shoes.  She proudly carried them to my feet and promptly put them down right in front of me and said, “Daddy’s shoes?”

I looked down and didn’t see my shoes but the shoes of my wife.  Red wedges, definitely not mine.  Phoebe waited there patiently for me to put them on.  I told her that these shoes would not fit Daddy and that they weren’t mine but that they were Mommy’s.  She didn’t move.  I showed her as I slipped my bare feet into them that my feet were too big.  My toes fit, but my heels hung a good 3 inches off the back.  She stood smiling as I showed her that these were not a good fit.  Sure, I could walk in them and get around in them but they were not mine. 

I took them off, put them in the closet and grabbed my shoes and put them on, showing her that they fit my feet perfectly and that these were in fact Daddy’s shoes.  Little did Phoebe or I know the significance of her innocent action or what God would again remind me of later that week?  I left it at that and went to my meeting not thinking twice about those shoes or Phoebe’s insistence that those red wedges were Daddy’s. 

That week in Church I was playing the piano for the worship team and as we were singing I got a picture of those red wedges and my feet in them.  I was taken back a bit and kept playing but then felt the Lord say to me that He has given me new shoes, ones that fit my feet perfectly and that in these shoes I could stand upright, strong, a man capable of being a husband, father, brother and son.  I was reminded of the time when I used to wear shoes like that.  When my masculinity was so broken and my identity marred due to circumstances in my childhood.  I had always secretly hoped that I could eventually become a woman.  I was reminded of the times I used to wear my mom’s shoes, pretending to be just like her.  I wished that I could wear shoes like that without shame or fear of being ridiculed and called names.  I had always felt odd in my skin, in my gender and even though at the time I was comfortable being gay, my secret longing was that I could eventually have gender reassignment surgery and that would be the final answer for this empty feeling inside. 

God met me in a profound way which stopped that process from ever happening.  My masculinity and sense of gender healed through submitting my life over to God and for him to set things in order so that I could stand secure in whom I was clearly designed to be.  I am grateful to God as I look at my life and all that He has done and blessed me with.  To know that without him my life could have looked very different than what it is today.

Those shoes reminded me of my past, but the greater reminder was God saying that he has given me new shoes, a new identity, one that he had intended from the beginning when he knit me together in my mother’s womb.  These new shoes fit and the other ones never did.  No matter what I could do those red wedges would always be shoes that would never quite match the DNA of my feet.  I felt like God was speaking this as a reminder to me but also to all of us.  I walked many years in the wrong shoes, even though God had something better for me, but he has the same gift for all of us.  He calls each one of us to take off the shoes that don’t fit and allow Him to fit us with those perfect fitting shoes.  New shoes, ready for us to walk in the fullness of who we were created to be all along.  Are you ready to take off your shoes?  Because God, your Father who knew you before anyone else did is ready to fit you with ones that fit you perfectly.

Trans....ition!

Gender identity can be very complex and complicated. Each persons who struggles with their gender identity is unique and precious in Jesus' eyes. He looks at the heart and not so much the outer appearance.

How many times do we base all our assumptions just on the outward and have no clue as to what it happening on the inside? Sometimes we may think, "oh...if __________ just got their life together, everything would be great. If they could just look and act like everyone else...you know...not be so out of place!"

I wonder a lot about how we welcome people into our lives, families and the body of Christ. I wonder how we welcome those who just don't quite fit our definitions or even our conveniences. It got me thinking of when I was gay identified.

When I came out at 30...it shocked a lot of people. Mostly because my journey was pretty isolated to my own self. I didn't let a lot of people in to see my internal struggles. Recently God has been healing my own perceptions of gender distortions. For years, I secretly longed to be a female. This began in my early years (probably around the age of 5 or 6). I didn't at that time pronounce that I wanted to be a girl, I just felt out of place and awkward in my body. I didn't want to be a boy...and I saw all these girls that played with dolls, dressed up and I liked that. I wished I could do all of that, so I began interpreting that "I was a mistake, that I wasn't like other boys and that I should have been a girl." Now, if I was affirmed as a boy (that masculinity is really caring for others...being gentle to dolls, and creative...dressing up) maybe with the help of good interpretation of my recording that distortion may not have happened. So internally I struggled with my sense of gender. Secretly dressing up in my mother/sisters clothes and when no one was around, I bound myself, wore make up and tried to look convincing. Early on...I certainly did. I prided myself in looking like a girl. I didn't have a word for this longing or desire. I found out later through the internet and through Television that this was "trangender". It kinda fit for me. Maybe this was why I was attracted to the same sex. Maybe it was because I was born in the wrong body...that God really did make a mistake, that somehow my DNA and hormones were screwed up. This was a birth defect!!!

But the idea of talking about this with my family, with those around me (small town) was totally unacceptable. I resigned deep within me that maybe someday I would transition. So in secret, I dressed up. Until I came out as gay identified, I began playing with make up, dressing up and eventually would go out in public on Halloween or other occasions dressed as a woman...always in the safety of the fact that it was now deemed "drag". I over exaggerated the "look" of being a female. I was pretty convincing on a few occasions. I went so far as to even ask my partner if I ever did want to transition would he be okay with it. Surprisingly he was.

So deep down, there was always this longing to transition. Some of the things that stopped me was the extensive surgery, the apparent need for plastic surgery to make my face more feminine (softer lines, smaller nose, removing the adam's apple, electrolysis, implants and the necessary removal of my genitalia. Even though growing up I hated my anatomy, I couldn't think of that. Maybe internally it meant that I would no longer be able to father a child (naturally). I know that I thought a lot about it and it sometimes consumed me with fantasy and dreams and hopes of a different life as a woman.

Today, I was reminded of God's saving grace and mercy. How almost 7 years ago, He showed me a bigger picture and began restoring my broken gender identity. My identity as a male and my security in my body is almost 180 degrees different. There are days when the residuals of my past creep in, old thought patterns and thinking try to overwhelm me. When I see men who on the outside appear stronger more capable more confidant than me and the insecurities try to consume me, I remind myself that I am a good gift right where I am at. That in my own mess, God is the one who continual cleans and affirms me. It is His voice that is the one of acceptance and worth.

My life is not perfect, I don't have it all together, I sometimes act quite different than those around me, sometimes I am awkward in social settings and say or do things others wouldn't. I am reminded all the time that I am not out of place. Jesus welcomes me to the foot of the cross and there standing beside me is other children of God. The seemingly "put together pastor", the drunkard, the prostitute, the orphan, the widow, the mother, sister, brother, father, co-worker, neighbor, teenager, gay, lesbian, transgender, two spirited, queer, adulterer, liar, thief, gossiper, those who envy, covet, idolators, the rich, the poor. The list goes on.

At the cross we lay down our broken lives and hope is put into us. Extravagant mercy is extended to us. With that extravagance is this amazing gift of grace and truth. Truth to who we are created to be. Truth of the glorious inheritance that we have and importance of our gender and sexual identities.

Psalm 50...reads well of this beautiful grace and mercy as well as discipline and hope. It ends with "But giving thanks is a sacrifice that truly honors me. If you keep to my path, I will reveal to you the salvation of God."

Lord Jesus...I give you thanks for opening my eyes, giving me new vision to see the importance of my gender. How you created me is no mistake, I honor my body as your creation. I am thankful that I didn't put it into the hands of others nor distorted and changed it to be something else. Jesus, I plead that you would meet each of us where we are at, would you give new sight. Bring a revelation of your mercy and love and pour out true understanding to your children...and those not yet your children. Bring clarity to our sense of gender and sexual identities...that are not based on others views, but of yours. Amen

Gender and Sexuality...is it really that important?

I have had several emails from those who read my last column “Born this way? CC August 22, 2011), and I want to thank all my readers for taking the time to consider the words that I put together. This column dealt with social issues, focusing primarily on same gender attraction and the church.

To some, this issue may be something we “just don’t talk about,” while to others there may be an attitude of “what’s the big deal, it really isn’t much different than someone dealing with heterosexual lust issues.” I believe that our gender and sexual identities are very important not just for us, but to God and how he designed us. Culturally speaking, we live in a hostile climate. My mom, who has spoken along side my wife and I at various settings, states that there is a “climate change” that is happening and she’s not talking about the environment. Rather, she’s talking about a change in how the church and society views gender and identity. Some church communities are slowly becoming an affirming place for those who are gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgendered, and by doing so are encouraging these people to continue walking in their broken state rather than offering the hope of restoration through Jesus Christ.

Gender and sexual identities are important. I believe that God formed us and made us male and female, and that he created us to be this way for a reason. Specifically, he did this so that we could bear his image to the world around us as we walk in whole and holy relationships with the opposite sex. What we are seeing is a distortion of gender, a confusion regarding sexual identity and an embrace of a fallen, broken state. The enemy of God loves this. The enemy of God (Satan, Devil or whatever name you call him), wants to wipe God off the face of the earth. He will do whatever he can to accomplish this. This is a bold claim, but I believe that one of the last frontiers that the enemy has is our gender and our sexuality. Abortion has been going on for years, killing innocent babies. Babies that God knew, created and had plans for. The enemy continues to have his hand in the whole area of abortion, but that isn’t enough. If he can distort the image of God in any way, then he has done his job.

Someone who read my last column asked me “Really, what is so different about same gender strugglers?” For myself, I came to the place of realizing that my unwanted same sex attraction was no different than a heterosexual man dealing with lust (other than
the object of our lust). The root issues for me were very similar. I struggled with shame, insecurity, low self esteem, control and anger. When these core issues are triggered it caused me to seek comfort in the arms of another man. Often when these core issues are triggered for a heterosexual man dealing with sexual addiction, it causes them to seek comfort in the arms of a woman.

It’s important to realize though that those who struggle with unwanted same sex attraction come from varied background and experiences, and that the issue is very complex. It isn’t just a pat answer that will help the struggler. The person who struggles has often spent years in silence, often fearing a negative response from those in their community, specifically within the body of Christ. How we respond and how we love is very important to those who struggle with gender and sexual identity issues. If what I believe is true regarding the enemy destroying God’s image by distorting gender, then the body of Christ needs to rise to be a different voice, a voice of hope and restoration. It needs to rise to it’s place as a community of grace and truth. Affirming and bringing people into the healing presence of Jesus Christ is crucial. Loving people and being truthful about our own broken places will hopefully allow others to realize that the body of Christ is a safe place to seek out the restoration of God’s intended purpose for our gender and sexual identities. This is a huge issue we are facing. One that won’t “just go away,” but is at the very heart of a God whose image depends on how we walk out our gender and sexuality.

From Captivity to Community

I just attended a conference in Wisconsin called Exodus International Regional Conference. It was a great time to connect with people who have been impacted in some way with same gender attraction. Some people came because of a spouse struggling with gender identity; some came to understand their friends or relatives who identify as gay. Most of the people who graced the conference, however, struggle themselves with same gender attraction. They have realized that fixing themselves is impossible and they are desperate to find healing and understanding of why they struggle. In that desperation they long to find a safe community.

On Sunday, people shared how the weekend had impacted them. A few people said they were scared to come. "What if I am attracted to someone?" "What happens if someone finds me attractive?" One man stood up and said, "It's like saying to an alcoholic, to find your healing you need to go to a bar and be faced with your temptation." Yet that is the very thing that someone who has a disconnect with his/her gender needs to do. When you struggle with same gender attraction, often you feel that you need to get away from that which tempts you-your own gender. Yet that is the very place you find your greatest healing. These men and women faced real fear to come to the conference in search of an accepting community.

I heard heart-wrenching stories that weekend. Many who struggle with same gender attraction have been rejected within their church communities because people are worried about inappropriate attraction. Men and women who struggle with same gender attraction are often tempted by their own genders, but those relationships are also the place where they find the greatest healing.

A Safe Place to Heal:

In my own journey out of a gay paradigm, I realized that in order to heal I had to be known and know other men in healthy ways. I couldn't allow my fear to dictate how I related to them. I had to step out into an unknown place, first with an utter dependence on God, my source of strength. Without that, I had no foundation. I had to have men who took the risk to be my friend. Who shared their own journey into manhood and their own struggles, allowing me to see that I am not as "different" as I had always assumed I was. I needed men to give me physical touch. To be unafraid to offer a hug, to embrace me as a brother, pure, healthy and whole. When I left the gay identity, I was walking away from a lot of physical touch. Physical touch that I needed - and it is a legitimate need - but it was found in unhealthy ways and outside the boundary lines of God's intent for me.

I am always encouraged as I attend conferences such as this where people know their need, face their fears and know that they are in a safe community. Sadly, this is often not found in their own communities of faith. More often, they feel pressure to be something they are not. To hide their struggle. This goes even beyond someone who struggles with their gender, but also with parents who have gay or lesbian children, or spouses of those who struggle. They fear judgement on who they are. This keeps them bound in secret and held captive by the enemy.

We all need each other. We need authentic, safe places to walk out our healing and face every issue that life may spring on us. If we don't find that authentic community within the Body of Christ, we will find it outside of that. We will find that in the arms of culture who will embrace our false identities, who will validate our anger, our unforgiveness, and our own ways of getting our needs met. May God give us the strength to rise up and take our place as safe and honest healing communities.

Through My eys...thoughts on the documentary

Through my eyes:

A documentary of individuals who have come to understand their gay or lesbian identity. They share their experience within the church community and their struggle prior to embracing themselves as gay and lesbian Christians.

My heart went out to the individuals sharing their stories of how friends and the church reacted to them when they inwardly struggled with their feelings, and how they reacted when they outwardly embraced their gay and lesbian identity.

I too experienced that within my years of inwardly struggling with my same gender attraction. Silently praying and pleading with God to take away these feelings. Crying out to him…endless prayers and petitions. Saying I would be a good Christian if only I did not have these feelings. I told God that I would do anything for Him if he took ‘it’ away. Since the age of 10…till I was 29, I struggled. The last few years of that struggle, I opened up and began to share the issue with others and sought help. I received good support in certain areas, but I thought the feelings would go away…why didn’t they?
I was in a healing community…what was wrong with me?

I could sympathize with each person…and yet…what was missing? Was it the environment that the movie was played in? Was it the people in the audience? Was it the facilitator? Was it just because I was at a different place that it somehow, felt hopeless and sad? Was it because at the end…there really was no hope? They had found hope in embracing their gay and lesbian identity, but is that hope?

I wondered and began to ponder?

Are we cheapening grace when we welcome people to stay in their captivity? I realize that someone who is identified as a Christian gay or lesbian no longer views themselves as being held in captivity but, as someone who holds a traditional Biblical Sexual Ethic does this make me unloving and unkind to say they are still in captivity? Jesus loved radically. I heard many times this week that Jesus walked in the market place, he ate with tax collectors, prostitutes…the down and out…those called ‘sinners’, if we use that analogy when we talk about Christian gay and lesbian people we are placing them in the same category as those called ‘sinners’, and Jesus never ate and walked with people so they could stay in the same place in their sin…he walked with them so they could rise out of that and live in the fullness of who He had desired for them from the beginning.

We cheapen Jesus’ love when we water down truth. Jesus isn’t this hippy love guru, who said only nice lovely things about love…and only challenged the religious leaders. He challenged all of us. He does not define us by our unmet needs, our brokenness, or even the ways we label ourselves in sin. He calls us out of that, into generous spaciousness with wonderful, healthy, safe boundaries for our good.

Having walked out of the struggle when I was 29…into the arms of the gay community (and yes, there is a gay community out there). I hung up all the guilt…and lived gay identified for 8 years and partnered for most of the 8 years. I walked out of the boundary lines that God has given his children to walk in for our good. I was angry at the church, and to those who spoke negative comments…about me…within hearing. So those were the last people I would associate with. Hmmm, yet God had other plans. God brought two people into my life who were in relationship with me. Both of them Christian. I find it interesting that we did not talk about God a lot but rather talked about our lives.

I was an activist. I wanted to change people’s minds. I wanted them to stop saying I was going to hell. I wanted them to stop saying that homosexuality was a sin. I read small booklets on what the Bible really says about homosexuality…and to my surprise…I was told those verses were taken out of context…and because man wrote the words, they interpreted it all wrong. Wow. I couldn’t believe it. Finally it was true. Yet…it still didn’t add up for me. I still could not believe that those verses did not mean exactly what they said. It did not make sense to what the rest of the Bible said about marriage, or how God created us as distinct genders. So I hung up the Bible too. Away, so I wouldn’t have to think about that. I prayed, I did good things, I tried to be a good person…and when I wasn’t I asked for forgiveness.

The last year of my partnership our relationship wasn’t going all that well and I had grown in who I was as a person, as a man, and I realized that this wasn’t healthy for me. That the relationship that I was in wasn’t good. So I broke it off. For me that took courage and guts. I began to work out how my life would look and what I would do. My plans were to begin again. Get a condo, keep working, maybe begin dating and life would continue on.

When we step out of the boundary lines of God’s design for our sexuality and who we are as gendered men and women, we invite distortion into our lives. We begin to be deceived by the world’s view of homosexuality and we believe that we are finally being true to ourselves when really we are being lied to and deceived. The enemy comes to kill and destroy and he is like a thief in the night…quick and silent.

I had silently and quickly slipped into the gay identity yet, God is the author and finisher of my faith…and He always has the last word. Not because He is controlling and unloving, rather He is our Father…who is kind, loving, a Father who painfully lets us go our own way.

God spoke to my mom in a real and powerful way one day. It didn’t impact me until later but she heard the holy spirit speak to her and tell me one day that I did not have to go back to Egypt. I was thinking this meant my ex partner…so I continued to make my own plans.

I know the plans I have for you…plans that are for your good! His plans for me. Not my plans for myself. Whenever we leave God out of our plans…and I mean, laying down our sinfulness and then ask Him…What are you plans for me God?...we enter into being our own god.

A few weeks later, I was out for a run. Troubled by legal issues regarding our separation and the dividing of the property…I called out to God and just said…I could use some help here, if you are there, I need you.
I heard God say to me immediately… “You do not have to go back to Egypt!”
I knew at that moment, that God meant my gay identity.

Do we wait for our lives to hit rock bottom before we need God? Do we become so successful that we do not hear him? Do we ever allow God to evaluate our lives in every area? Are we willing to lay down our gay or lesbian label at the cross of Christ? Does God really affirm us in our gay and lesbian identities?

God did not affirm me in my attempts to be my own god as I lived gay identified. I spit in God’s face. I cheapened His creation. I changed the Bible to suit my needs. I read the Bible with bias and could not allow the holy spirit to convict me of that sin.

I walked out of the wilderness…still same gender attracted. WHAT!!!! Not totally healed? Free of the attraction?
Nope. That was never God’s intent. I had to come to a place of understanding why I felt this way and I had to submit this to the Lord and begin to walk in relationship with others…of both genders. I had to begin to stop lusting after my own gender. I had to begin to love myself, and learn about who I was really created to be.

This weekend, someone labeled me as being in a mixed orientation marriage. I was offended by that. I do not label myself by my issues in my life. Do I still have same gender thoughts? Yes, but they are submitted to the cross of Jesus, nailed there, not being held by me, rather Jesus holds the issue. For I am dependant on Him, to be my strength when I am weak. For when I am weak, He makes me strong.

Being married to a woman, has been one of the greatest gifts I could ever imagine. I can’t imagine life without her. She is my best friend, my lover, my companion, my partner, and she is Christ to me and I to her. Her femininity welcomes my masculinity. As I take initiative, she is able to receive and we walk life out in love and respect, honor and trust.

Both my wife and I are not defined by our struggles or our weaknesses. I do not label myself gay…just because I have a feeling every once and a while. We are born again…washed clean, set on a new course. My label comes from Christ who bore my sin and shame. My label comes from my heavenly Father who calls me his beloved son…whom he is well pleased with. To call myself a gay man would call God my father a liar. He deserves much more glory and honor than that.

In all of this reflection over the movie. My hope is that each person in this movie would come to the full knowledge of God’s plans for them. To bring them into the fullness of their true identities.

Holiness...and unconditional love

This is in response to someone’s blog…talking about the sting of death

If I look back on my experiences within the Church community, especially as I first struggled with same gender attraction, I felt as if I was a leper, that I was actually untouchable. People could talk about anything else but my "struggle". I think if they had the courage to actually talk about homosexuality as not just the taboo sin, but just sin and had the courage to learn to engage a community to talk about the issues of homosexuality, things may have turned out differently for me as well as countless other men who I knew personally who also struggled with same gender attraction.

Having walked out this journey for over 20 years (struggled with ssa, then embraced a gay identity, and now having walked out of that identity), I feel for those who spoke out against homosexuality out of their limited knowledge of the struggle itself. Today, I do not feel angry or hurt because of my experiences, rather I feel deeply for any person who may have perceived hate from a message due to their own internal struggle with gender confusion. I also feel deeply toward pastors/leaders who spoke out against homosexuality not because they hated those who struggled with the issue, rather they loved them, and in their own way, tried to get the message out that God had something better for those struggling. I believe that no matter what the issue, most people have felt offended by God’s holy call on our lives as Christ Followers. When we struggle and feel as if a person just doesn’t understand us or the issue, do we internalize that as hate, take offense and then walk away justified? Or do we walk that out in a way pleasing to the Lord. Going to him with our hurt, allowing him to heal our wounds, but also going to the person who we felt offended by and working through a process of reconciliation and redemption.

When we hear someone speak and they talk about holiness and godly fear, so we see that as constraining or do we see that as good. Sometimes I sense that we have to throw away fear and holiness in order to justify certain behaviors, specifically in terms of theologically sound teaching. If I make a statement that linked homosexuality with Sodom and Gomorrah as God’s wrath toward the sin of homosexuality, I may experience hate mail, I would be pronounced a homophobe, and yet when I do more research and cross reference other scripture regarding Sodom and Gomorrah, I find that I have to make a stand and that comes from good sound theology. Jude 7 references the judgment to the sexual perversion of every kind and given the cultural milieu of that time, that would have included homosexuality. (note that I said included homosexuality…it linked all sexual sin).

For myself, I walk many years with the thinking that I was condemned to hell because of my struggle. I eventually had to walk away from my faith, because ultimately God hated me somehow. That he made a huge mistake with my life and really didn’t care for me. I hated the Sodom and Gomorrah linkage to any term of my struggle. I hated when others used that term. (To be honest it still makes me cringe when I hear someone just spew it out as a judgment statement when there is no explanation given).

Now I say this not as condemnation for those who are struggling with same gender issues, or even to those who are gay identified. I believe that God loves all people. Yet as we are enlightened and come to know our identity in God our Father through Jesus Christ, I believe God calls us into a higher standard of holiness and we should have a healthy fear of sin in our lives. For myself, I do not want to become complacent and comfortable with sin in my life. As Jesus felt deep inner rage (he actually uttered a response when he heard of Lazarus’ death) could we not feel that same feeling toward sin in our lives and the sin in the lives of others? If death is equated to sin throughout the bible could this parallel how Jesus felt toward sin/death? I have a close friend who is struggling with issues. I love him beyond compare. I have offered that he live with us, I have wept deeply for him and where he is at, because he is believing lies about himself, and to put it straight, he is caught in the grips of sin issues and he can’t see past that. I feel angry sometimes not at him, but at the enemy that wars at his soul, and enemy that is killing him. I would do anything for him. I see Jesus who did the same for Lazarus. He did the ultimate and raised him from the dead. Then he addressed the crowd to unbind him. Could this be a picture of rage against sin, calling someone to life and into the redeeming work of Jesus and then unbinding the person, ministering truth and love?

I wonder sometimes as we build bridges, how often we fear making a comment because someone may be offended. But in fearing making a statement, we are actually helping to keep someone in bondage to death.

For myself, I had people who walked the journey with me. Some understood the issues that I faced and some didn’t, yet they still walked with me. They still offered soothing balm to my wounds of death. There were men and women who in this journey out of a gay identity, spoke encouraging words, but also words that made me think. Words of challenge and sometimes they were hard words, especially when they saw me walking in a way that wasn’t life (when they saw me sinning). For me, my community challenged me to radical holiness. A holiness that feared the Lord of ALL creation and that fear was there because I knew the radical LOVE of my Papa God. The core gospel is unconditional love, God loves us despite ourselves. He unconditionally loves us because we were designed and created to worship Him and Him alone. He loves us because he knew us and imagined us even before we were even thought about here on earth. He knit us together, formed us in our mothers womb. Yes, it’s about unconditional love. What is the definition though of that unconditional love throughout the gospels?

As a daddy now, I see my daughter and I LOVE her with my whole being. If I saw her walking in danger I would tell her. I think I would probably shout it out, because I don’t want her to get hurt. She may not understand or she may feel as if I don’t love her, yet I do it because I love her. I have come to see God my Papa the same way. He loves me with a radical love, one that doesn’t always feel good, and yet he is the one calling me out. He is the one who shouts my name, because he doesn’t want me to get hurt. Our God of unconditional love disciplines us out of that radical love. Only because Jesus went to the place designed for our sin…which was death!

So maybe death is always supposed to be close to us, and maybe it’s something we should fear not just for ourselves but for others. I think we may have a greater sense of the physical death, but do we really understand death to the degree we should as Christ Followers? Do we understand the depths of the unconditional, radical love of God? An understanding so rich in love that we can’t help but fear the Lord, and speak boldly of His call of holiness on our lives.

Fool for Christ

How do I attempt to explain to someone that I once was gay and am no longer? That I am now married to a woman and have a baby?

Culturally speaking I am a fool. I am lying to myself and to my wife and to my daughter. I must be this terrible person stringing my wife along, lying to everyone I know and to myself as well. The voice of culture states that eventually I will come out of the closet and that I will admit my sexuality, and they will applaud my relinquishing my “false identity as a so called straight man”. My so called unhappiness and unfullfillment will lead me out of where I am at present and into the world’s standard of living. Some people looking at my life now, will state that I really wasn’t gay to begin with, that I was probably bi-sexual or just experimenting.

All of this is expressed without the full knowledge of my life and what has happened in my life. These are generalized statements which are made without even knowing me and how I think or feel These are judgment statements, definitely not words of acceptance and diversity, which are used so much in today’s statements of human rights.

Having just returned from a marriage conference which was designed specifically for those whose marriages were impacted by homosexuality in some way, I was reminded of our foolishness in the eyes of the culture of today.

1 Corinthians 1:27 says: “But God has chosen the foolish things of the world to put to shame the wise, and God has chosen the weak things of the world to put to shame the things which are mighty;”

To the world marriages which stay together even though impacted by someone who struggles with homosexuality is foolish. The husband or wife (the one who doesn’t struggle with ‘this’ issue) is considered a door mat, naïve, ignorant, stupid and weak, yet God uses the weak things to be strong. He uses the foolish things to confound the wise.
Sadly this is a view that is becoming increasingly more welcomed in the body of Christ. Welcoming the easy way out, as divorce rate rises way past the world’s statistics. Is there hope? Do we believe that God is a God of impossibilities and do we believe that He can do anything? Many marriages have survived the homosexual struggle of a spouse, as they submit their marriage and lives into the healing hands of God, rather than through the eyes of the world. Many lives are being transformed and made new. These lives are changing because of their radical belief in a God who does not leave them undone, empty handed or alone. Trust is being rebuilt in the arms of hope and this takes strength, courage and much submission to the Lord Jesus, rather than trusting in ourselves and our own strength.

This past weekend I met men and women fighting for their lives and for their marriages. I saw and heard them, desperate and needy, pouring out their lives at the foot of the cross and in the body of Christ. The Lord God Almighty heard their cries, wiped their tears and soothed their hearts. These men and women may have looked foolish, weak and sickly dysfunctional to the world standard of strength, but what I saw was genuine strength, courage, honor and love. I saw a community that couldn’t care less of what the world thought, but radically pressed in to serve one another in prayer and love. I saw beauty in the ashes of many couples.

2 Corinthians 12:10 states, “that is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”

I am thankful that I have this weakness, that I will be insulted by the world, that it will be hard sometimes and I will face plenty of persecution from the world’s eyes, for when I am weak, then I am strong. This foolish standard of pressing in to Christ even as I struggle with same gender issues, this embracing my ‘true identity’ as a male made in the very image of God, designed to walk with my wife as two people united to show the world the character of God is good. Very good. I do it with joy, and with the utmost of gratitude to Christ who was the ultimate fool.

Glory

This summer has been pretty remarkable in many ways. Looking at the past few months and seeing God's glory being revealed in the workings of my life is pretty amazing.

Throughout the summer, the issue of FEAR has come to the surface, revealing to me an area in my life that I am not so comfortable dealing with. I chuckle even as I write that, as I have faced really hard stuff regarding the root issues to same gender attraction and this at times seems so infantile, yet is important to my Heavenly Father and important for me to bring this to him.

At a recent conference just outside of Calgary, I was asked to go get some stones for a specific project that we were doing and as I walked outside into the dark, fear gripped me. WHAT!!! Why did it grab a hold of me, literally keeping me still as a post, in the middle of the outdoors. I looked around, there was nothing but my imagination at work. Thinking, someone is out there ready to grab a hold of me and kill me. Irrational, foolish, yet at that moment reality for me. I quickly got some stones and walked (okay, I ran) back to building. Breathing intently to calm myself down, hiding my fear.

That evening during the worship, again, FEAR came to the surface, this time showing me areas in my life that I still held fear close.

Fear of losing everything...being left destitute.
Fear of not being in control.
Fear God really isn't there...or that he really is displeased with me.
Fear of the dark.
Fear of the basement...okay, I fear our basement.
Fear that something is out to get me.
Fear that I will be alone.
Fear of rejection.
Fear of losing more children.
Fear of falling...that I could fall sexually!

All this fear...holding on to me, and I...holding on to it. Irrational in many ways, and yet still something that God wants to address...in many other ways. He wants me not to fear, but cast it all on Him...but first, I need to know he is there for me...really...that he carries me, holds me.

So the next day, during my small group time, I gave it over, spoke the words... "I am 42 freakin' years old and am still afraid of the dark!!!"
God came into that. He said... "I do not ask you to conquer that fear all by yourself" and I had a picture of myself and others with me, walking out into the dark, I had a picture of Jesus, walking with me.

I haven't formally done that. Taken some other people to walk with me out into the dark, to face the fear, but I have done that in the basement. I have called out to Paula to come downstairs to pray with me as I face the fear of the basement. Crazy, but true, it works. Sometimes when I get the feeling of fear coming, I just stop and ask Jesus into that very moment in time.

A greater sense of how FEAR paralyzes me was shown this week, as Paula and I realized that financially, we are really in need. It has been very tough and it was elevated this summer with one income and the inability to keep up. What I recognized is that my first response is silence out of a fear of not knowing what to do...and even still, what will people think!!! It has awakened me to the reality that I cannot do anything alone...really! Where does it say...do it all on your own? Be your own God? It says cast your cares upon the Lord...not hold it all to yourself. So this week, stepping past the fear of rejection, searched for solutions to our finances. Seeking others wisdom, who have walked this journey, or who may know of ways to help. It is also giving it over to God, saying, there is nothing right now that we can physically do...so we give it to you God...we actually allow God to show himself God...to increase our faith.

So I am learning to give over my fear, just as I learned to give over the roots of my gender attraction. As I gave over life dominating issues, I now too give over to Him my fear, and my failings, and seek Him before all things.

My greatest desire and hearts cry is that God be Glorified in this...and through our lives...because apart from him, we have nothing! With him we have everything...even in our darkest moments.

Back on...reconciliation

I can't really sleep at the moment, the last few days, to be honest, I have unwound myself by playing a ferocious game of bejeweled trying to beat my friends, who surprisingly have gotten very good scores...way to go!!

It does however get my mind going...working as I replay the day and the interactions that I have had.

I love to dialogue and to talk about how Christ is asking us to live life. I would say I think outside the box most days. A friend of mine explained it to another person. Kenny gets a thought, and he puts it on his blog, to get it out of his head and to get others thinking.

What a good explanation!!! Thanks LLS...you know who you are.

The Holy Spirit has been really speaking to me about motives...why I do or say specific things. There are times, when I would like to just sit down with specific people and hash things out. To say..."come on...get with it!!!" That statement doesn't really speak with a lot of grace...it is pretty black and white.

What gets me though are people...(okay, and I am harder on Christian's because I'm one of them) is that we do all these things to look great(works)...and yet can't seem to get it together to forgive or reconcile. Specifically when someone wrongs us, or we hold all the offenses in until one day it explodes and we put a boundary down and say, you hurt me and so you are unsafe. We spend so much time with the issue in our head, and never talk about it...and then we think it easier to just cut the person out of our lives, rather than realize that we too are in the wrong.

As I look at Christ, I see a savior, who is all about reconciliation. He reconciles us to himself. He sacrificed himself for us...and asks us to do the same.

Recently I heard some great teaching on how David walked this out in his own life. Walking in meekness in the face of injustice. How often do we walk with meekness when we face injustice? When do we give it over to God to be our advocate...our help...our friend? Do we ever lay our own feelings of offendedness and ask "Lord, what would you have me do?" Rather than shut the person out of our lives. How often do we look at our own sin...or ask the Lord...to search me, see if there be any wicked way in me and lead me in the way everlasting? Ps 139:24

It got me thinking of my own life, and how I am prone to not speak out of passivity, out of the thought that the other person may not like me anymore. I am being challenged to step out of that and speak truth...to the body of Christ...the Church...the bride of Christ. He is coming back...and he is looking for a spotless bride. I want to be one of those spotless brides. I want to ask the Holy Spirit to search me...so that I can work out my sin. I am not happy to stay stuck or in the same place, and I value people enough to want reconciliation, restoration, repair. We are never meant to not do the hard work of reconciliation. If we have a problem with our spouse or child...do we just put up a wall and refuse to talk to them, or shut them out of our lives? Why then do we do it to others? It actually cripples the other person as well as yourself. Each action that we do or refuse to do either brings life or it brings death.

I wonder then, how are we seeking to reconcile with those who may have offended us?
I wonder then, are you willing to stop and look at your own sin?
I wonder then, can you see Christ? Can you see his sacrifice...when we didn't deserve it, and realize, we are called to be Christ to everyone in our lives?

And...who per chance is watching? Who is looking at every move you make, if you like it or not? Our unsaved brothers and sister!!! They are looking at how we live, love and forgive. So if we aren't fostering forgiveness and love and reconciliation...forget giving your testimony, forget talking about Jesus and how he saves and reconciles people to God...because you are just a clanging cymbal, hurting the ears you are speaking to.

Seem harsh...probably...but life is hard sometimes, and we need to grow up and realize that it isn't easy sometimes, and we are called to be examples, and a shining light for the world to see...their savior.

Good night!!!

Brief Break

I am taking a brief break...as I will be focusing my time on a new blog...

www.debtproject.blogspot.com

My journey out...continues to be something that I am challenged with, but not so much about my journey out of the "gay identity" but rather toward living a life dictated by the culture of today or by the worlds standard...okay that means the same thing!

So I will be blogging about debt reduction, being real with how Paula and I are doing and what is working and what isn't, but I will also be sharing how personally this is challenging me in my faith.

How I believe that we are called to live...I often feel goes contrary to how we actually live our lives.

So go to debtproject.blogspot.com and read, be encouraged, give suggestions, but I challenge you to radically give.

Thanks for the faithful readers...those who have been encouraged...challenged and an inspiration to me...encouraging me on...cheering me on. For that is what we are called to do.

Peace and love

Kenny

Debt Eliminator Project

I recently came across a blog, that was started by Ced Reynolds. Paula and I have been praying to get out of debt, we believe that God is asking us to be intentional, to try our best to walk debt free.
Currently our mortgage is sitting at 132,000 and we have other debt accumulating at around 25,000. It is daunting for us. We struggle each month, we are obedient to give our tithe, and then some on top of that (extravagant givers).
I have often thought...how can we do this? I have prayed for wisdom and understanding and wonder sometimes if we as a body of believers began to help others pay off their debts, we really could live in a debt free community. I hear comments like, "well, they are responsible, or irresponsible", "It's their own sin that got them into this mess", "if they just were more responsible". Each of these statements lay blame, and do not offer grace or mercy. When I hear the Lord tell me to give to someone, it isn't for me to think..."I wonder if they will blow it? spend it on something frivolous or do something that is not responsible." The Lord is just asking me to be responsible to do what He has asked me to do.
Recently Paula and I felt the Lord ask us to give to someone. Okay, it's been a tough month, and we are in the hole, yet, we really felt the Lord tell us to give. So we did. The person called me and thanked us. Relaying to us, how the Lord is working in their life. They actually know our situation and said "we don't get how you could give to us?", I responded that maybe he wasn't supposed to get it. That is God sometimes. We will not get it all the time, and the ways of God far exceed our ability to understand. Why? Because He is God...we are not!!

So, please read the note below. I would love to start a DEP in our community. We know our own debt, but we also know of a family who is in far more debt than we are. Spread the word...talk about it! Let's do something radical for people, which then just frees up more giving.

Peace and joy,

Kenny


Saturday, August 25, 2007
Pray for "The Debt Elimination Project"

Have you heard of the Debt Elimination Project (DEP)? It's really quite an interesting project.

There was a gentleman who had a heart's desire to help pay off the debt of a single woman in his church who had been struggling from year to year. So much prayer had happened for her by the congregation but nothing seemed to change in her finances.

This man who was one of those who prayed for the lady but he was just frustrated as he continued to observe her financial life. He soon discovered that she was in debt because she just couldn't get her debt down because she could only pay the minimum payments on high interest rate credit cards and loans. Nothing ever seemed to change even though she was doing what she could.

The story goes on to say that the man decided that he would take things into his own hands. He decided to do something. He made it his purpose to help this lady pay off her debt. He was able to give her $30 a month. What he asked her to do was to make sure she sent the $30 as extra payment toward the principal on her highest interest credit card.

After a few months of giving $30 the man just felt like he was only helping her scratch the surface toward getting out of debt. He thought to himself, only if there were a few other people who could give a little like I'm doing. He started sharing what he was doing with a few of his close friends and they caught the vision. Five of his friends decided to do exactly what he was doing and started giving the lady $30 a month each. Now she was receiving $180 to put towards the principal of her highest interest credit card.

Long story short, the concept began to spread like wild fire. The gentleman who started the project soon had 34 people who were giving between $15 and $50 a month to help this one lady. In less than a year the lady had all her debt paid off and she was overjoyed.

Here's the clincher. After the lady had her debt paid off she said, how can I help somebody pay their debt off? She said this in the middle of the group of the 34 people who had just helped her pay off her debt. There were several people in the group who were in debt so the group chose one from among themselves and started the process over.

Now imagine this. This new person didn't receive $30 a month. They received over $1,200 a month and had their debt paid off in five months.

The group continued to grow and they continued to choose different people in the group to help pay off their debt. Some people were getting their debt paid off in less than three months. One person even got a $16,000 debt paid off on the spot!

The Debt Elimination Project got it's name based merely on what now over 700 people were committed to doing. They base their purpose for helping others get out of debt on Matthew 7:12 "Therefore, whatever you want men to do to you, do also to them..."

When I heard of this project I committed to help a person I know get out of debt. I'm now in the process of talking to a few of my friends to help them get out of debt.

I'm actually seriously thinking about taking this to another level. I'm thinking about starting an official Debt Elimination Project in our church. We have plenty of single women, widows and certainly families who are in debt who desperately want to be financially free.

************************************************************

What you've just read is just a story I wrote to capture your attention. The gentleman in the story is me. The story is a vision of what I believe the Lord has shown me to help people in my congregation get out of debt and stay out. The other reason I wrote this story is to solicit your prayer as I pursue God's plan to help one person at a time get out of debt. I truly believe it's a whole lot easier for one person to get out of debt if 200 people are helping them.

A debt free church is a church that can be used to to it's full potential.

Stay blessed,

Ced Reynolds

Posted by The Entrepreneurial Pastor at

just some thoughts...

Since I do not have TV, nor do I read the newspaper (much), there are those who may think I am living in the dark ages...or deciding to remain ignorant about issues that are being raised in Government and the world around me.

1st...my life is not governed by the world, nor the government that is around me. Yes, I follow the laws of the land, pay my taxes, because that is law. Yet, my final resting ground is not here, and my faith is in the eternal, not the here and now.

It has become more and more disturbing to read and listen to hate speeches, and I have been increasingly more disturbed with those who consider me a part of the problem, because of my faith. The notion that I hate gays or lesbians, the notion that I hate those who abort their babies...right up to the due date, because it's legal!! They assume things because I believe in Jesus Christ. I believe in the radical move of the Holy Spirit. It was interesting today, listening to the farse..."Prop 8 - The Musical" depicting Jesus Christ as someone just spewing "love", and not hate...and yet the farse is just that! Depicting Christian's who are all the same...all dressed in black and white...stuffy and back country. Of just accepting one part of the Bible and not the rest. Please don't give me that garbage as an excuse when the makers of this Farse...believe the same thing. If you are not living what the Bible says, or supporting it as a whole piece of God ordained and inspired piece of work...then don't use it as something as a weapon against another person.

What was interesting is the way it made fun of itself, depicting the issue of just acceptance of gay and lesbian marriage...and the issue of making money off of it. That everyone should just accept it and make money off the whole issue.

It shows me that they really don't take it serious, that it is just another issue to raise...and maybe we could also say agenda to be placed on the table of parliament, and pushing the envelope of hatred itself.

I truly believe that we are in the days of Noah, that we have been here before, and this time, we are treading on very thin ice. That Jesus is coming back and that He does not come on a little pony, with daisies in his hair...speaking...love...and peace, rather, he is a savior who is coming back as a warrior, on a strong horse, proclaiming that His kingdom has come...and it will come as a great shock to many people. I pray for mercy and grace...I pray for repentance to happen and a turning toward holiness...I pray for radical conversions and repentance of sin.

Lord have mercy!

Bill C-484 Is there a bigger problem?

As a man, I do not take woman’s issues lightly, nor do I take children’s rights lightly. And, as a man I will not even entertain voting for a candidate who does not support Bill C-484, which recognizes that harming a fetus (baby) an act of violence against the woman carrying it as a criminal offence. This bill respects the right toward fetal (baby) rights.
I have read articles on the Unborn victims of Crime Act and applaud the bill. We continue to debate whether or not it “infringes on women’s rights, and people can only assume that it would likely result in harm against pregnant women, and we can only assume this, as this bill has not yet been passed.
In one article, someone writes that it “could” criminalize pregnant women for behaviors perceived to harm their fetuses (babies). What behaviors are we talking about? Drinking, drugs? We already know that behaviors like this do affect fetuses (babies).
What is more interesting is the fact that here in Canada, there is no abortion law, and a woman can have an abortion right up to her due date, yet, if she gives birth even at 20 weeks, Doctors try to safe the life of the baby. Despite the fact that the baby will usually have health issues for the rest of their lives, which burdens the health care system.
We have rights for women. That is great. Yet, who is protecting the right of a fetus (baby)?
If we believe that this fetus (baby) can survive even at 20 weeks, then we have to have laws in place to protect that fetus (baby) because they too have a right to be protected against harm.
Maybe the bigger issue to this is the reality that our culture really doesn’t care one way or the other about people? Be they fetuses (babies) or children, or adults. Maybe we live in a world that is so “me” centered that who really cares about another person’s life. Who really cares about a fetus (baby) who can get injured or killed by crime? Who really cares about the woman who carries the fetus (baby)? Who really cares for the children who walk the streets, because they have parents who don’t give a crap about them? Who really cares for the sick who are unable to care for themselves? Who really cares for the handicapped people, they are just a burden anyway, they can die in hospital waiting rooms? Who really cares for someone who is being beaten up, right in front of us? Who cares for the prostitute on the street corner? Who really cares for the elderly in a seniors home or in a run down apartment?
I think there is a deeper issue here in regards to rights, and the respecting of rights. Until we as a nation, care for others, who really cares?
But for me, as a man, as a husband, as a father, I believe in social justice, and I believe in caring for people, regardless! Be that a fetus (baby), an infant, child, adolescent, adult, elderly, handicapped…and the list goes on. I commend any one who supports the two Conservative Candidates in Winnipeg who support this bill. There should be more!

Days of Noah

Are we in the days of Noah?

Where people drank, lived a life of merriment, laughing, scoffing. When people will scoff at those who believe, conservatively and not necessarily scoff at the "liberal theology, that anything goes".

Today, I was reminded of who God is...and His heart for me...and His children. I was reminded of the cost of following Christ.

There is a cost! When you believe in Christ, it is not just..."let's love people..." but it is allowing him to refine and change you. It means getting into the trenches and realizing that the very act of the cross means more than just "loving others" it means that Christ came to change people.

So when we start believing that...the Bible's translation by man is marred, and that the word of God does not mean what it says, and that really anything goes...because once you start thinking that one sin issue is okay, then really, it is all okay.

Some people have said I am a fool to believe that I can change from a gay identified man to one that is not. Some people say that I am suppressing and some people say that my marriage is a fake, and some people say that just because I am still tempted means that nothing has changed. These people are saying I am a fool. These people are saying that no one has changed or can change...and these people then do not believe in Jesus...the Christ who is in the habit of change. He is in the profession of radically changing people. Christ came for me! He came to make things right, not wrong.

Today, I reminded someone that I have been on both sides of the coin here. I have lived both lives. Actually I am ex ex ex gay! Yet...even that is not what defines me. I am a follower of Christ, who believes radically in His word. Not because, I am hoping I don't miss out when he comes again (you know the better believe in him, because it is a win win situation...and if Jesus doesn't exist then I did not miss anything anyway!)
I love JESUS! I love what he has done and continues to do in my life. I had a life altering moment with God which radically changed me. Hear me...He changes me, not me changing myself. Maybe this is simplistic...maybe to some naive...but it is the story that God is writing in my life...not the other way around.

So I think we are in the days of Noah...which is the days of the coming of the King. People get ready, Jesus is coming...and I think we may be in for a shock!

INJUSTICE

NEWS FLASH!!! Brad Pitt donating money...again. Here is the clip found on the web. I will interject my own thoughts through out the article.


Brad Pitt has donated a staggering $106,312 to help fight Californian ballot Proposition 8, which would take away gay couples' right to marry.
Brad Pitt has donated a staggering $106,312 to support gay couples' right to marry.

The 'Burn After Reading' actor - who previously revealed he would not marry partner Angelina Jolie until everyone in America is "legally able" to marry whoever they want - gave the money to help fight Californian ballot Proposition 8, which aims to take away the homosexual community's right to wed.

In a statement, Brad said: "Because no one has the right to deny another their life, (I WONDER THEN...WHAT IS BRAD'S VIEW ON ABORTION. THAT IS A LIFE, AND WOULD HE FUND OR DONATE MONEY TO HELP SAVE THE LIFE OF CHILDREN? WOULD HE GIVE TO NON PROFIT ORGANIZATIONS THAT OFFER ANOTHER ALTERNATIVE TO ABORTION? NO ONE HAS THE RIGHT TO DENY ANOTHER THEIR LIFE...PARENTS INCLUDED!) even though they disagree with it, because everyone has the right to live the life they so desire if it doesn't harm another and because discrimination has no place in America, my vote will be for equality and against Proposition 8." (NO ONE HAS THE RIGHT TO END A LIFE, EVEN IF THEY DISAGREE WITH IT. BECAUSE EVERYONE HAS THE RIGHT TO LIVE THE LIFE THEY SO DESIRE...WHICH INCLUDES BABIES...WHO HAVE NO RIGHTS)

Brad's donation is the largest given to the anti-Proposition 8 campaign by an A-list celebrity so far.

(OKAY, THOSE A-LIST CELEBRITIES WHO ARE CHRISTIAN...NEED TO STEP UP TO THE PLATE AND GIVE TO ORGANIZATIONS THAT PROMOTE LIFE, SOCIAL JUSTICE, AND TO ORGANIZATIONS THAT OFFER A DIFFERENT APPROACH, WHICH IS NOT DISCRIMINATION, IT IS GIVING TO AN ORGANIZATION THAT PROMOTES HEALTH, WHOLENESS AND AN ALTERNATIVE TO SOCIETIES NORM. IT IS GIVING TO PROVIDE AGAINST DISCRIMINATION AGAINST PASTORS, CHRISTIAN LEADERS WHO WILL BE FORCED TO MARRY AGAINST THEIR BELIEF SYSTEMS. BEING FORCED TO DO SOMETHING AGAINST YOUR WILL/THOUGHTS AND BELIEFS IS ALSO DISCRIMINATION...SO BRAD PITT IS ACTUALLY PROMOTING DISCRIMINATION.)

Political strategist Chad Griffin added: "It is our hope that others in the entertainment industry will step up and match Brad Pitt's heroic commitment to quality and defeating Proposition 8."
The 44-year-old actor's decision to donate the money comes just a week after Brad and Angelina - who has previously enjoyed lesbian relationships (THIS HAS TO BE THROWN IN...WHY? WHO CARES IF SHE PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED LESBIAN RELATIONSHIPS...SHE IS NOT A LESBIAN...OR ELSE SHE WOULDN'T BE WITH BRAD PITT)- were ranked in sixth position on Parade magazine's list of the most generous celebrities in the world, after giving away $8.9 million of their own money to charitable causes in 2007.

MY COMMENTS ARE THE BOLD ONES. WHAT REALLY GOT ME IS THE STATEMENT MADE IN THE BEGINNING ON EVERYONE HAS THE RIGHT TO LIVE A LIFE THEY DESIRE, EVEN IF OTHERS DO NOT AGREE. SEEING THE ADOPTIONS THAT BRAD AND ANGELINA HAVE DONE, I BELIEVE THAT MAYBE BRAD SHOULD DONATE TO END ABORTION. WHICH DOES NOT GIVE THE BABY THE RIGHT TO LIVE THAT LIFE THAT THEY DESIRE...EVEN THOUGH THE PARENTS DO NOT AGREE.

ANOTHER ISSUE IS THAT HERE WE HAVE A-LIST ACTORS WHO THINK THEY ARE SO MUCH MORE POWERFUL JUST BECAUSE THEY HAVE MONEY. THAT IS CRAP. THEY ARE ACTORS, AND I HAVE KNOW A FEW IN MY LIFE, AND SOME YOU NEVER KNOW WHO THEY REALLY ARE, THEY ACT ALL THE TIME. THEY ARE JUST LIKE ANY OTHER PERSON ON THE FACE OF THE PLANET...THEY HAVE MADE SOME MOVIES...THAT'S IT. THEY'VE BEEN OVER PAID...THAT'S IT. NOW THEY SWING THEIR MONEY HERE AND THERE, EXPECTING PEOPLE TO APPLAUD THEIR EFFORTS. A GOOD EXAMPLE IS OPRAH...WHO DOESN'T LEAD BY EXAMPLE...SHE SOUNDS GREAT ON AIR, DOES SOME GOOD THINGS HERE AND THERE, YET, LIVES A LIFE OF EXTREME. EXTREME WEALTH, WHEN MILLIONS OF PEOPLE DIE EVERY DAY BECAUSE THEY LACK WATER, SHELTER, HEALTH. SHE COULD ACTUALLY LIVE ON PROBABLY 10% OF WHAT SHE BRINGS IN...AND SHE COULD GIVE THE REST AWAY. FANCY THAT IDEA. BUT WE IDEALIZE THEM AND PLACE THEM SO FAR ABOVE THE ORDINARY PERSON. OPRAH SAYS SOMETHING AND WE ALL HOLD OUR BREATH...AH...WORDS OF WISDOM!?!?! COMING FROM HER?
WHEN WILL SOCIETY SEE THE HYPOCRISY IN REGARDS TO CELEBRITIES! WHEN WILL SOCIETY FORGET ABOUT A-LIST ACTORS, OPRAH WINFREY'S AND STAND UP FOR THEMSELVES RATHER THAN WAITING FOR AN A LIST ACTOR TO DO THIS OR THAT.
WHEN WILL SOCIETY STOP THE CELEBRITIES MAKING THE NEWS...AND STAND UP FOR POVERTY, INJUSTICE, WHICH CELEBRITIES...COULDN'T CARE LESS ABOUT.

OKAY...ONE RANT DONE! MAYBE I'LL JUST WATCH A MOVIE...HA!