Thursday, August 13, 2009
This summer has been pretty remarkable in many ways. Looking at the past few months and seeing God's glory being revealed in the workings of my life is pretty amazing.
Throughout the summer, the issue of FEAR has come to the surface, revealing to me an area in my life that I am not so comfortable dealing with. I chuckle even as I write that, as I have faced really hard stuff regarding the root issues to same gender attraction and this at times seems so infantile, yet is important to my Heavenly Father and important for me to bring this to him.
At a recent conference just outside of Calgary, I was asked to go get some stones for a specific project that we were doing and as I walked outside into the dark, fear gripped me. WHAT!!! Why did it grab a hold of me, literally keeping me still as a post, in the middle of the outdoors. I looked around, there was nothing but my imagination at work. Thinking, someone is out there ready to grab a hold of me and kill me. Irrational, foolish, yet at that moment reality for me. I quickly got some stones and walked (okay, I ran) back to building. Breathing intently to calm myself down, hiding my fear.
That evening during the worship, again, FEAR came to the surface, this time showing me areas in my life that I still held fear close.
Fear of losing everything...being left destitute.
Fear of not being in control.
Fear God really isn't there...or that he really is displeased with me.
Fear of the dark.
Fear of the basement...okay, I fear our basement.
Fear that something is out to get me.
Fear that I will be alone.
Fear of rejection.
Fear of losing more children.
Fear of falling...that I could fall sexually!
All this fear...holding on to me, and I...holding on to it. Irrational in many ways, and yet still something that God wants to address...in many other ways. He wants me not to fear, but cast it all on Him...but first, I need to know he is there for me...really...that he carries me, holds me.
So the next day, during my small group time, I gave it over, spoke the words... "I am 42 freakin' years old and am still afraid of the dark!!!"
God came into that. He said... "I do not ask you to conquer that fear all by yourself" and I had a picture of myself and others with me, walking out into the dark, I had a picture of Jesus, walking with me.
I haven't formally done that. Taken some other people to walk with me out into the dark, to face the fear, but I have done that in the basement. I have called out to Paula to come downstairs to pray with me as I face the fear of the basement. Crazy, but true, it works. Sometimes when I get the feeling of fear coming, I just stop and ask Jesus into that very moment in time.
A greater sense of how FEAR paralyzes me was shown this week, as Paula and I realized that financially, we are really in need. It has been very tough and it was elevated this summer with one income and the inability to keep up. What I recognized is that my first response is silence out of a fear of not knowing what to do...and even still, what will people think!!! It has awakened me to the reality that I cannot do anything alone...really! Where does it say...do it all on your own? Be your own God? It says cast your cares upon the Lord...not hold it all to yourself. So this week, stepping past the fear of rejection, searched for solutions to our finances. Seeking others wisdom, who have walked this journey, or who may know of ways to help. It is also giving it over to God, saying, there is nothing right now that we can physically do...so we give it to you God...we actually allow God to show himself God...to increase our faith.
So I am learning to give over my fear, just as I learned to give over the roots of my gender attraction. As I gave over life dominating issues, I now too give over to Him my fear, and my failings, and seek Him before all things.
My greatest desire and hearts cry is that God be Glorified in this...and through our lives...because apart from him, we have nothing! With him we have everything...even in our darkest moments.