Feelings vs Truth...Who's in your corner?

Hebrews 3:12-13

Be careful...make sure that your own hearts are not evil and unbelieving, turning you away from the living God.  You must warn each other every day, while its still "today", so that none of you will be deceived by sin and hardened against God.  (NLT)

Do you have someone in your life who speaks truth?  Who encourages and spurs you toward Christ and His likeness?  Who cares for you and in doing so speaks into areas in your life where they see could use some encouragement or work?  Who will walk with you in your journey of faith?

I think of our need for community and the need to have others spur us onward toward the completion of the race set before us.

Jeremiah 17:9 reads "The human heart is the most deceitful of all things, and desperately wicked. Who really knows how bad it is?"

Proverbs 28:26 reads  "Those who trust in themselves (heart) are fools, but those who walk in wisdom are kept safe."

Wisdom is the word of God...the living, breathing, relevant word of God which is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow.  It is our bread and our sustenance and we can't live without it.  When we base our motives on our heart feelings, we can easily be strayed off course and onto paths which may feel good, but are far from the best for us and lead us to destruction.

I listened to my heart once and began to base my identity on how I felt, rather than the word of God.  I began silencing out solid, mature believers and trusted my heart feelings!  This led me to the path of identifying myself as a gay man who believed because I felt this way my, my sexuality was set and I controlled it.

How many of us make decisions based on the sole merit of our feelings?  When I proposed to my wife I had definite feelings for her or I wouldn't have married her.  But I also knew that God was calling me to marry her and that I had total peace as I knew this was ordained by Him.    Do my feelings change on a day to day basis as I live out married life?  You bet.  Some days it's easy to love well and to get along and we find our groove!  But there are days when it's slugging through difficult communication, misinterpretations, sleep deprivation, and child rearing.  In those times, I need to know that I have a solid foundation of covenant, commitment, perseverance, faith and I find that these are wise pieces of truths that I find in the word of God and go beyond a feeling.  It's a mindset of being committed regardless of how I feel.

I need Jesus desperately everyday to walk this out and I need my family the body of Christ to do this as well.  I need trusted brothers and sisters to speak truth to me if they see me dabbling in things I shouldn't.  I need these broken vessels to encourage me and spur me toward the goal set before me.  When I begin to veer off the path...who's there to help me?  If I have no one, I will merrily go this way and that.

So whose in your corner?  Who knows you and your heart and your life?  Who has authority to speak truth in love to you, even if it makes you boil inside, yet you know it's truth?  Who are you submitted to?

Find a good person, not a perfect person (because there isn't one), to be that person who will challenge you and who you can challenge, and thank God for them.  Pray that God brings people into your life who won't just allow you to feel good, but will challenge your 'feelings' and spur you toward holiness and the race set before you.  It's not easy and each one of us can be easily strayed by appeasing things that tug at our heart.

  

Bending the knee...

Today, I read another announcement from a young Christian leader welcoming discussion on "why he is dating men" and that he would do this the healthiest way possible because of his relationship with God.

For many people they would embrace this and celebrate his liberty and freedom and yet for me, my heart grieved.  I felt deep sadness in the statement he made.  There was no rejoicing.  My first words out of my mouth were "Lord have mercy!"  I was immediately drawn to the prodigal story.  My thoughts on all of this are for those who are believers...who have been enlightened to the truth of Jesus Christ and the full Gospel. 

Here we have a loving Father who has a son who wants desperately to go his own way.  The son sees all that he has and wants out.  He wants his freedom.  Maybe he felt too confined within the parameters of his Fathers standard.  So his goal is to get what is due him and leave.  So his father gives to him what he is owed (his inheritance) and he goes his own way.  Maybe to find himself...who he really is.  We may think the father would take a passive response...just get on with life, but he would have continually gone to the road to see if his son was coming back...day after day, month after month, year after year.  Maybe people would have mocked the Father...told him to just get on with it, forget about the son, yet I don't see the Father doing that...he waits for the day of his sons return.

Now the son...wanting liberation tries this and that to see what appeals to him.  Living his life to the fullest.  He no longer lives under the confines of his Fathers standard.  He is able to do what pleases him.  He is able to do everything that feels right.  Why would his father not allow him this freedom?  Such a backwards father, stuck in the dark ages of religion, could well have been his thoughts.  Why would a loving Father not allow me to be who I want to be and express that however I feel like?
Until it all crashes around him...when the money is gone...his friends leave and he is left alone.

As I write this...can we link this with an aspect of God handing us over to our desires and our own lusts?  Slowly and inevitably we begin to bend and accept an even broader realm of sexual expression?  We bend our knee not to God but now to a cultural humanistic expression of "what feels good".

What I imagined in this whole scenario and discussion is this:

The "church" the "bride of Christ" is adopting a definition of grace that allows us to go with our feelings.  If we do this then nothing is unacceptable.  Seriously.  Think about it.

I feel attracted to the same gender.  It's not going away as much as I want and so I'm going to still LOVE God with my whole heart and date those of the same gender.  (bending the knee)

I feel attracted to young children and this has never left me.  For as long as I know I have had this attraction so I am going to date young children.  (bending a knee)

I'm married and feel attracted to your spouse and so I'm going to leave my spouse for your spouse.  (bending a knee)

I struggle with same gender attraction and I still feel that attraction, but I'm married.  So I'm going to leave my spouse and take a position that this is what God had for me all along. (bending a knee)

I'm in love with an animal and they love me.  (bending a knee)

I'm in love with my father's wife and she loves me, so we're going to get together.  (bending a knee)

When does the bending stop?  When we begin the dialogue of one issue, we begin the dialogue of another.  We begin to lose the foundation set before us of Godly, healthy sexuality.  Designed and created by God.  Because inevitably, we stop the dialogue!  We stop being generous and gracious!  Because we will view those who hold a standard of faith and a value that sexuality is a sacred and holy expression only in the pastures of a monogamous marriage between one man and one woman as hateful and archaic and unattainable to those in the margins.  That we are being mean and unsympathetic to those who face something different as their reality.  If we welcome the bending of the knee we actually have to lay something down, I have to sacrifice something.  What we lay down is the standard set before us, not from an archaic God who is just out to get us, break us, pound us, enslave us, but one who knows the good of what is best for us in a broken and sinful world.  Who calls us into the fullness of life with Him and to live within the boundary lines that have fallen in good pasture.

Can we use the theory that because we live in a fallen and broken state, if my sexuality is broken than it's okay to embrace my broken sexuality and that God will bring it glory.  We can make license by saying the Church has a double standard, accepting divorced/remarried people to the church but we won't allow gay Christian's there.  These are all excuses to follow our own desires and place ourselves before God.
We proclaim  "God...it's messed up down here, and since you're not doing anything, I will take matters into my own hands...and oh ya...can you bless me too?"  Can you bless my idol worship?

That goes contrary to who God is.  God won't bless idolatry!  Or can he?  You might say...Kenny, that is a hateful thing to say.  But you know what?  If I don't fear God and holiness...I will seek to sooth people.  To pat them and say...ya...that's okay, keep living in the mud and mire and keep saying it's okay and keep saying God will bless it.  But in all honesty can we say that he hands you over?  Things get more muddled and more welcoming and pretty soon, everything that feels good, is good.

I saw this in my own life.  I began believing that same theology.  I listened to the feel good messages of humanism.  Since I always struggled with same gender attraction and God never took it away, I must be gay and I then cannot deny these feelings anymore.  No one had the right to speak what I didn't want to hear.  You needed to bend to my view and if not...you were hateful and unloving.  "Keep your opinion to your self...you self righteous Christian...who excuses all other sin...but mine..."

Some of that was truth...because the bride was looking pretty messy and bending their knee to easy answers and solutions.  Why stay with your spouse after they had an affair?  You have every right to divorce them?
Falling out of love...this is too hard...okay, lets part ways and find our true love and remarry!  Hard realities of truth?  Maybe!

Yet...I saw for myself a different picture of a loving Father who waited for me...but he also released me to go and live contrary to his heart for me.  He never once blessed my actions and said..."Oh Kenny, what you are doing is great!"  He did say this though "I love you with an everlasting love, can you hear me Kenny?  I have so much more that I want to you show...don't settle for this, because this isn't my best for you!"

I see the end result of the prodigal as the young man sitting in the filth and mud of his own making.  His decisions and actions brought him to the mud and mire and he realizes where he is and what he is doing.  He recognizes that even the servants of his father are treated better than this.  Was he remorseful?  Was he repentant?

I think in the loving arms of his father who ran out to greet him with arms full of compassion, tears washing away the mud and mire, soothing the young mans hurt, a father extended grace in the midst of the sons repentance, now being offered much more than he deserved.  How much more is our Father who calls out to us..."My son...My daughter...I love you...come home!  Don't settle for less than what I have for you, which is so much more than what you deserve...COME let me show you My mysterious ways...I'm waiting!"

He takes what is used!

 

He takes what is used

masked and well hidden

binds every chord

and nail deeply drive.

stanza taken from "It was no mistake" by Paula Warkentin

 

 

What happens when we don't see the fruit of our faithful prayers?  When the loved ones we so desparately pray for, seem so distant and far off?  When our minds go to "whats the use anyway?'

 

Our hearts become cold and indifferent and its now easy to turn our blame toward God and insist that He just hasn't done it to our satisfaction nor our liking.  Why is it so difficult?  Why isn't God answering?  WHY GOD WHY?

 

To be honest, I don't have the answer.  I'd like to think that no one has the answer, or at least not a pat answer to make someone who is in the place feel better.  I ponder this though, because I see prayers not answered all the time, or at least not the way we want them answered. 

 

God in his sovereignty is in control of everything.  He is the most powerful Creator that has ever existed and who will ever exist...for all eternity.  If we believe this, we can also believe that because of his sovereignty that everything passes through his hands.  Be it the good, bad and ugly.  Does it mean he is indifferent or uncaring?  Does it mean that he turns his eyes when bad things happen or when people make choices that are not the best ones to make? 

 

We all are a product of the fall.  We are born into sin.  So right from the beginning that is our inherent struggle.  Not so that we can make light of sin or blame something or someone else, but rather it's important to understand that to some degree, this is our human heritage.  Our flesh wages war with the spirit.  We do the things we don't want to do and we don't do the things we want to do.  Simple yet so complex in many ways.

 

Couple this with the cultural influences and the spirits and authorities that also wage war on our souls, we are fighting a bigger fight than maybe we even realize.  We fight this war in our own lives and for those we pray and fast for.  When our prayers seemingly do not go answered, the enemy can have a party with our mind and heart.  Bringing doubts that nothing is happening, that we are ineffective, that there must be something wrong with us, that God is silent and disinterested in our prayers or our loved one.  Our hearts can grow bitter, cold, angry toward God.

 

In reality...GOD IS NOT SILENT.  Everything passes through God's hands and so everything is purposeful...even the bad, horrible things that happen.  If he knows the number of stars, the amount of hair on our heads.  If he imagined us even before our parents ever did, do you not think he cares?  He is a just God who allows us to walk in the freedom of choice and free will, not wanting us to be robots or puppets in his hand, he gives us that freedom with hopes that when we reach maturity that we are sold out for his purposes in our lives and we serve him whole heartedly for the rest of our lives. 

 

Sound idealistic?  Euphoric even?  Maybe too good to be true?  For many of us, we struggle with emotioanal and relational deficits in our lives that  cause us to grow up with deep needs still unmet.  If we are not given the opportunity for God to come in and heal and fill those areas we will fill them ourselves.  With many things that are good for us, and many things that aren't.  If God isn't the center of that deficit, we miss the mark.    It's not so much that God is silent, rather we have taken our neediness into our own hands, numbing our emotions so that we have a very hard time hearing God and that still small voice speaking to us.

 

I can look at the many ways I silenced that voice in my life, the voice of my heavenly Father calling me, speaking to me, telling me truth about who I was as his son and my value and worth to him.  Rather than listen, I listened to myself, I listened to the enemy of my soul, the one who comes to kill and destroy, the one who prowls around like a hungry lion, waiting for someone to devour.  I got eaten, chewed up, and spit out...but I wasn't dead?  I felt dead, I acted dead, but I wasn't.  God was still speaking...and many people continued to pray...long and hard for me, not giving up, even though they may have felt like it.  I eventually heard his voice and he is now cleaning me up from years of yuck, grim and lies that were fed to me and ones I believed.

 

I continue to pray for friends, family and even those to whom I have never met who are caught up in identities and actions that are far from the best for them.  Who have been lied to, cheated, and robbed, not by God, but rather by an enemy who hates them.  I pray without ceasing and long for the day when one, two, three...and many more come to know who they truly are, loved sons and daughters of the most high King, the creator of everything.  That they know that nothing has been wasted and that God will and does use everything the enemy meant for harm...for HIS GOOD and for HIS GLORY.

 

Let's remember to keep praying, to keep fasting and keep believing God's promises are true, that He does answer prayer and that through Jesus, He does redeem lives.

 

James 5:16 (NLT)

Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed.  The earnest prayer of a righteous person has great power and produces wonderful results.

 

 



Trans....ition!

Gender identity can be very complex and complicated. Each persons who struggles with their gender identity is unique and precious in Jesus' eyes. He looks at the heart and not so much the outer appearance.

How many times do we base all our assumptions just on the outward and have no clue as to what it happening on the inside? Sometimes we may think, "oh...if __________ just got their life together, everything would be great. If they could just look and act like everyone else...you know...not be so out of place!"

I wonder a lot about how we welcome people into our lives, families and the body of Christ. I wonder how we welcome those who just don't quite fit our definitions or even our conveniences. It got me thinking of when I was gay identified.

When I came out at 30...it shocked a lot of people. Mostly because my journey was pretty isolated to my own self. I didn't let a lot of people in to see my internal struggles. Recently God has been healing my own perceptions of gender distortions. For years, I secretly longed to be a female. This began in my early years (probably around the age of 5 or 6). I didn't at that time pronounce that I wanted to be a girl, I just felt out of place and awkward in my body. I didn't want to be a boy...and I saw all these girls that played with dolls, dressed up and I liked that. I wished I could do all of that, so I began interpreting that "I was a mistake, that I wasn't like other boys and that I should have been a girl." Now, if I was affirmed as a boy (that masculinity is really caring for others...being gentle to dolls, and creative...dressing up) maybe with the help of good interpretation of my recording that distortion may not have happened. So internally I struggled with my sense of gender. Secretly dressing up in my mother/sisters clothes and when no one was around, I bound myself, wore make up and tried to look convincing. Early on...I certainly did. I prided myself in looking like a girl. I didn't have a word for this longing or desire. I found out later through the internet and through Television that this was "trangender". It kinda fit for me. Maybe this was why I was attracted to the same sex. Maybe it was because I was born in the wrong body...that God really did make a mistake, that somehow my DNA and hormones were screwed up. This was a birth defect!!!

But the idea of talking about this with my family, with those around me (small town) was totally unacceptable. I resigned deep within me that maybe someday I would transition. So in secret, I dressed up. Until I came out as gay identified, I began playing with make up, dressing up and eventually would go out in public on Halloween or other occasions dressed as a woman...always in the safety of the fact that it was now deemed "drag". I over exaggerated the "look" of being a female. I was pretty convincing on a few occasions. I went so far as to even ask my partner if I ever did want to transition would he be okay with it. Surprisingly he was.

So deep down, there was always this longing to transition. Some of the things that stopped me was the extensive surgery, the apparent need for plastic surgery to make my face more feminine (softer lines, smaller nose, removing the adam's apple, electrolysis, implants and the necessary removal of my genitalia. Even though growing up I hated my anatomy, I couldn't think of that. Maybe internally it meant that I would no longer be able to father a child (naturally). I know that I thought a lot about it and it sometimes consumed me with fantasy and dreams and hopes of a different life as a woman.

Today, I was reminded of God's saving grace and mercy. How almost 7 years ago, He showed me a bigger picture and began restoring my broken gender identity. My identity as a male and my security in my body is almost 180 degrees different. There are days when the residuals of my past creep in, old thought patterns and thinking try to overwhelm me. When I see men who on the outside appear stronger more capable more confidant than me and the insecurities try to consume me, I remind myself that I am a good gift right where I am at. That in my own mess, God is the one who continual cleans and affirms me. It is His voice that is the one of acceptance and worth.

My life is not perfect, I don't have it all together, I sometimes act quite different than those around me, sometimes I am awkward in social settings and say or do things others wouldn't. I am reminded all the time that I am not out of place. Jesus welcomes me to the foot of the cross and there standing beside me is other children of God. The seemingly "put together pastor", the drunkard, the prostitute, the orphan, the widow, the mother, sister, brother, father, co-worker, neighbor, teenager, gay, lesbian, transgender, two spirited, queer, adulterer, liar, thief, gossiper, those who envy, covet, idolators, the rich, the poor. The list goes on.

At the cross we lay down our broken lives and hope is put into us. Extravagant mercy is extended to us. With that extravagance is this amazing gift of grace and truth. Truth to who we are created to be. Truth of the glorious inheritance that we have and importance of our gender and sexual identities.

Psalm 50...reads well of this beautiful grace and mercy as well as discipline and hope. It ends with "But giving thanks is a sacrifice that truly honors me. If you keep to my path, I will reveal to you the salvation of God."

Lord Jesus...I give you thanks for opening my eyes, giving me new vision to see the importance of my gender. How you created me is no mistake, I honor my body as your creation. I am thankful that I didn't put it into the hands of others nor distorted and changed it to be something else. Jesus, I plead that you would meet each of us where we are at, would you give new sight. Bring a revelation of your mercy and love and pour out true understanding to your children...and those not yet your children. Bring clarity to our sense of gender and sexual identities...that are not based on others views, but of yours. Amen

a side - b side = forgiveness

Oh there is this buzz in the air...a hum of activity. People reading, searching out blogs that have any reference to the latest Gay Christian Network Conference recently held in Orlando.

The comments have been flying as to why the President of Exodus was asked to be on the panel discussion. This has raised a lot of concern on both what people term side a and b.

I was sent the audio of the panel to listen to. I spent a couple of hours digesting what was said, the feelings that came across as I listened and then afterwards let it rest for a while as the thoughts began to "percolate" around my mind. A few days later, I began reading responses and comments from various people.

I won't expound on any one person, as there is just too many people writing on this event. (I do want to remind readers and I have to remind myself as well, that we can get caught up in various arenas of thought and expressions that we lose sight of getting out there and serving. There are many people in need and we are called to cloth, feed, comfort and take care of people...so lets do it)

I came away from listening and reading with a couple of thoughts.

For me, I had some serious trauma growing up. If we study brain science (Dr. Karl Lehman is doing some great work in this field) we can see that many people have some form of trauma in their lives (trauma can be described as some form of event that caused us to record/interpret an event falsely due to varying factors (this usually happens in childhood), it can be from not receiving legitimate emotional or basic things, and it can also be severe abusive experiences, emotional, spiritual, physical or sexual).
For myself, it was many of those factors, which caused me to begin to interpret all the things that I saw and experienced around me. To an outsider, we all looked pretty normal but on the inside, I was pretty messed up.

What I am getting at here...is that we will walk in relationships, talk to people out of our experiences in life. We can hold on to deep wounds...we can use that to whip or hurl anger at another person, we can hold on to unforgiveness while holding a placard up saying...we deserve an apology!! All of this within the body of Christ.

For myself, I've had to lay a lot down. I have had to continually walk out forgiving others...and letting go. Sometimes, in my humanness, I pick it back up, carry it again, but it becomes toxic and I am reminded...oh ya, this stinks. So back I go again, forgiving.

A few thoughts flew around as I listened.
1. Does culture owe me an apology for saying to me "once gay always gay?"
2. Does culture owe me an apology for saying to me "you're just lying to yourself"?
3. Does culture owe me an apology for saying to me "you're in a mixed orientation marriage"?
4. Does culture owe me?

When I broke up with my gay partner (because our relationship had fallen apart) and then met the Lord who drew me out of a gay identity paradigm...calling me to walk authentically in my faith...and then my ex partner took me to the cleaners and ultimately, I was left with almost nothing financially...DOES HE OWE ME?

WHO OWES ME? When I think about all the hurt and the unforgiveness that I listen to and hear, I think...no one owes us anything...but rather...we owe Jesus... EVERYTHING!
This isn't to just pat people on the back and tell them to get over their pain. On the contrary...it is saying...your pain is important and Jesus is able to carry it and allow you to let it go and to not carry it again. Because it becomes smelly and stinky and you become the very thing you can't forgive.

No ones life is free from pain or sorrow, some type of grief or wounding. When we hold on to unforgiveness...we begin to tell...yell...proclaim that the other person needs to STOP, the other person needs to pay...the other person is horrible. We begin to paint a picture with broad strokes putting everyone who may be associated with that person on the same canvas. If I can be so bold as to say, this is true for those on SIDE A and SIDE B. (and I kinda hate that whole side a and b descriptive...or the us vs them)

Another thought that came was "we are all human...and to human is to fall short and hurt others...we will do that...it's inevitable! But to offer grace and mercy to others is a great blessing, something that we don't do well, when entitlement and unforgiveness is holding us hostage."

I've also been described as being in a mixed orientation marriage...the fact that I am still same sex attracted, but married to a woman...who also was at one point same sex attracted (who by the way...isn't anymore), this descriptive isn't fair nor correct. I would rather say it as I am in a mixed gender marriage...I am a man, married to a woman. My orientation...is no longer defined by my sex drive. My orientation is now defined by my creator, and in him, I am a new creation, the old has passed away. That is one reason I no longer hold the descriptive that I am gay. That isn't who I am anymore. I mean no disrespect, but I stand on scripture and who I am called.

In the end...we have all been wounded...and we have all wounded. None of us is perfect, and none of us will be perfect. What we do with that is up to us. We can continue to carry our placard...pounding our fists...or we can lay down the stink...and get on with it. Forgiveness begins with a simple statement, and then a lifelong journey to continually lay it down at the cross.

So side a...and side b...it's all up to you! What are you doing to do?

Glory

This summer has been pretty remarkable in many ways. Looking at the past few months and seeing God's glory being revealed in the workings of my life is pretty amazing.

Throughout the summer, the issue of FEAR has come to the surface, revealing to me an area in my life that I am not so comfortable dealing with. I chuckle even as I write that, as I have faced really hard stuff regarding the root issues to same gender attraction and this at times seems so infantile, yet is important to my Heavenly Father and important for me to bring this to him.

At a recent conference just outside of Calgary, I was asked to go get some stones for a specific project that we were doing and as I walked outside into the dark, fear gripped me. WHAT!!! Why did it grab a hold of me, literally keeping me still as a post, in the middle of the outdoors. I looked around, there was nothing but my imagination at work. Thinking, someone is out there ready to grab a hold of me and kill me. Irrational, foolish, yet at that moment reality for me. I quickly got some stones and walked (okay, I ran) back to building. Breathing intently to calm myself down, hiding my fear.

That evening during the worship, again, FEAR came to the surface, this time showing me areas in my life that I still held fear close.

Fear of losing everything...being left destitute.
Fear of not being in control.
Fear God really isn't there...or that he really is displeased with me.
Fear of the dark.
Fear of the basement...okay, I fear our basement.
Fear that something is out to get me.
Fear that I will be alone.
Fear of rejection.
Fear of losing more children.
Fear of falling...that I could fall sexually!

All this fear...holding on to me, and I...holding on to it. Irrational in many ways, and yet still something that God wants to address...in many other ways. He wants me not to fear, but cast it all on Him...but first, I need to know he is there for me...really...that he carries me, holds me.

So the next day, during my small group time, I gave it over, spoke the words... "I am 42 freakin' years old and am still afraid of the dark!!!"
God came into that. He said... "I do not ask you to conquer that fear all by yourself" and I had a picture of myself and others with me, walking out into the dark, I had a picture of Jesus, walking with me.

I haven't formally done that. Taken some other people to walk with me out into the dark, to face the fear, but I have done that in the basement. I have called out to Paula to come downstairs to pray with me as I face the fear of the basement. Crazy, but true, it works. Sometimes when I get the feeling of fear coming, I just stop and ask Jesus into that very moment in time.

A greater sense of how FEAR paralyzes me was shown this week, as Paula and I realized that financially, we are really in need. It has been very tough and it was elevated this summer with one income and the inability to keep up. What I recognized is that my first response is silence out of a fear of not knowing what to do...and even still, what will people think!!! It has awakened me to the reality that I cannot do anything alone...really! Where does it say...do it all on your own? Be your own God? It says cast your cares upon the Lord...not hold it all to yourself. So this week, stepping past the fear of rejection, searched for solutions to our finances. Seeking others wisdom, who have walked this journey, or who may know of ways to help. It is also giving it over to God, saying, there is nothing right now that we can physically do...so we give it to you God...we actually allow God to show himself God...to increase our faith.

So I am learning to give over my fear, just as I learned to give over the roots of my gender attraction. As I gave over life dominating issues, I now too give over to Him my fear, and my failings, and seek Him before all things.

My greatest desire and hearts cry is that God be Glorified in this...and through our lives...because apart from him, we have nothing! With him we have everything...even in our darkest moments.

Back on...reconciliation

I can't really sleep at the moment, the last few days, to be honest, I have unwound myself by playing a ferocious game of bejeweled trying to beat my friends, who surprisingly have gotten very good scores...way to go!!

It does however get my mind going...working as I replay the day and the interactions that I have had.

I love to dialogue and to talk about how Christ is asking us to live life. I would say I think outside the box most days. A friend of mine explained it to another person. Kenny gets a thought, and he puts it on his blog, to get it out of his head and to get others thinking.

What a good explanation!!! Thanks LLS...you know who you are.

The Holy Spirit has been really speaking to me about motives...why I do or say specific things. There are times, when I would like to just sit down with specific people and hash things out. To say..."come on...get with it!!!" That statement doesn't really speak with a lot of grace...it is pretty black and white.

What gets me though are people...(okay, and I am harder on Christian's because I'm one of them) is that we do all these things to look great(works)...and yet can't seem to get it together to forgive or reconcile. Specifically when someone wrongs us, or we hold all the offenses in until one day it explodes and we put a boundary down and say, you hurt me and so you are unsafe. We spend so much time with the issue in our head, and never talk about it...and then we think it easier to just cut the person out of our lives, rather than realize that we too are in the wrong.

As I look at Christ, I see a savior, who is all about reconciliation. He reconciles us to himself. He sacrificed himself for us...and asks us to do the same.

Recently I heard some great teaching on how David walked this out in his own life. Walking in meekness in the face of injustice. How often do we walk with meekness when we face injustice? When do we give it over to God to be our advocate...our help...our friend? Do we ever lay our own feelings of offendedness and ask "Lord, what would you have me do?" Rather than shut the person out of our lives. How often do we look at our own sin...or ask the Lord...to search me, see if there be any wicked way in me and lead me in the way everlasting? Ps 139:24

It got me thinking of my own life, and how I am prone to not speak out of passivity, out of the thought that the other person may not like me anymore. I am being challenged to step out of that and speak truth...to the body of Christ...the Church...the bride of Christ. He is coming back...and he is looking for a spotless bride. I want to be one of those spotless brides. I want to ask the Holy Spirit to search me...so that I can work out my sin. I am not happy to stay stuck or in the same place, and I value people enough to want reconciliation, restoration, repair. We are never meant to not do the hard work of reconciliation. If we have a problem with our spouse or child...do we just put up a wall and refuse to talk to them, or shut them out of our lives? Why then do we do it to others? It actually cripples the other person as well as yourself. Each action that we do or refuse to do either brings life or it brings death.

I wonder then, how are we seeking to reconcile with those who may have offended us?
I wonder then, are you willing to stop and look at your own sin?
I wonder then, can you see Christ? Can you see his sacrifice...when we didn't deserve it, and realize, we are called to be Christ to everyone in our lives?

And...who per chance is watching? Who is looking at every move you make, if you like it or not? Our unsaved brothers and sister!!! They are looking at how we live, love and forgive. So if we aren't fostering forgiveness and love and reconciliation...forget giving your testimony, forget talking about Jesus and how he saves and reconciles people to God...because you are just a clanging cymbal, hurting the ears you are speaking to.

Seem harsh...probably...but life is hard sometimes, and we need to grow up and realize that it isn't easy sometimes, and we are called to be examples, and a shining light for the world to see...their savior.

Good night!!!

Brief Break

I am taking a brief break...as I will be focusing my time on a new blog...

www.debtproject.blogspot.com

My journey out...continues to be something that I am challenged with, but not so much about my journey out of the "gay identity" but rather toward living a life dictated by the culture of today or by the worlds standard...okay that means the same thing!

So I will be blogging about debt reduction, being real with how Paula and I are doing and what is working and what isn't, but I will also be sharing how personally this is challenging me in my faith.

How I believe that we are called to live...I often feel goes contrary to how we actually live our lives.

So go to debtproject.blogspot.com and read, be encouraged, give suggestions, but I challenge you to radically give.

Thanks for the faithful readers...those who have been encouraged...challenged and an inspiration to me...encouraging me on...cheering me on. For that is what we are called to do.

Peace and love

Kenny

Debt Eliminator Project

I recently came across a blog, that was started by Ced Reynolds. Paula and I have been praying to get out of debt, we believe that God is asking us to be intentional, to try our best to walk debt free.
Currently our mortgage is sitting at 132,000 and we have other debt accumulating at around 25,000. It is daunting for us. We struggle each month, we are obedient to give our tithe, and then some on top of that (extravagant givers).
I have often thought...how can we do this? I have prayed for wisdom and understanding and wonder sometimes if we as a body of believers began to help others pay off their debts, we really could live in a debt free community. I hear comments like, "well, they are responsible, or irresponsible", "It's their own sin that got them into this mess", "if they just were more responsible". Each of these statements lay blame, and do not offer grace or mercy. When I hear the Lord tell me to give to someone, it isn't for me to think..."I wonder if they will blow it? spend it on something frivolous or do something that is not responsible." The Lord is just asking me to be responsible to do what He has asked me to do.
Recently Paula and I felt the Lord ask us to give to someone. Okay, it's been a tough month, and we are in the hole, yet, we really felt the Lord tell us to give. So we did. The person called me and thanked us. Relaying to us, how the Lord is working in their life. They actually know our situation and said "we don't get how you could give to us?", I responded that maybe he wasn't supposed to get it. That is God sometimes. We will not get it all the time, and the ways of God far exceed our ability to understand. Why? Because He is God...we are not!!

So, please read the note below. I would love to start a DEP in our community. We know our own debt, but we also know of a family who is in far more debt than we are. Spread the word...talk about it! Let's do something radical for people, which then just frees up more giving.

Peace and joy,

Kenny


Saturday, August 25, 2007
Pray for "The Debt Elimination Project"

Have you heard of the Debt Elimination Project (DEP)? It's really quite an interesting project.

There was a gentleman who had a heart's desire to help pay off the debt of a single woman in his church who had been struggling from year to year. So much prayer had happened for her by the congregation but nothing seemed to change in her finances.

This man who was one of those who prayed for the lady but he was just frustrated as he continued to observe her financial life. He soon discovered that she was in debt because she just couldn't get her debt down because she could only pay the minimum payments on high interest rate credit cards and loans. Nothing ever seemed to change even though she was doing what she could.

The story goes on to say that the man decided that he would take things into his own hands. He decided to do something. He made it his purpose to help this lady pay off her debt. He was able to give her $30 a month. What he asked her to do was to make sure she sent the $30 as extra payment toward the principal on her highest interest credit card.

After a few months of giving $30 the man just felt like he was only helping her scratch the surface toward getting out of debt. He thought to himself, only if there were a few other people who could give a little like I'm doing. He started sharing what he was doing with a few of his close friends and they caught the vision. Five of his friends decided to do exactly what he was doing and started giving the lady $30 a month each. Now she was receiving $180 to put towards the principal of her highest interest credit card.

Long story short, the concept began to spread like wild fire. The gentleman who started the project soon had 34 people who were giving between $15 and $50 a month to help this one lady. In less than a year the lady had all her debt paid off and she was overjoyed.

Here's the clincher. After the lady had her debt paid off she said, how can I help somebody pay their debt off? She said this in the middle of the group of the 34 people who had just helped her pay off her debt. There were several people in the group who were in debt so the group chose one from among themselves and started the process over.

Now imagine this. This new person didn't receive $30 a month. They received over $1,200 a month and had their debt paid off in five months.

The group continued to grow and they continued to choose different people in the group to help pay off their debt. Some people were getting their debt paid off in less than three months. One person even got a $16,000 debt paid off on the spot!

The Debt Elimination Project got it's name based merely on what now over 700 people were committed to doing. They base their purpose for helping others get out of debt on Matthew 7:12 "Therefore, whatever you want men to do to you, do also to them..."

When I heard of this project I committed to help a person I know get out of debt. I'm now in the process of talking to a few of my friends to help them get out of debt.

I'm actually seriously thinking about taking this to another level. I'm thinking about starting an official Debt Elimination Project in our church. We have plenty of single women, widows and certainly families who are in debt who desperately want to be financially free.

************************************************************

What you've just read is just a story I wrote to capture your attention. The gentleman in the story is me. The story is a vision of what I believe the Lord has shown me to help people in my congregation get out of debt and stay out. The other reason I wrote this story is to solicit your prayer as I pursue God's plan to help one person at a time get out of debt. I truly believe it's a whole lot easier for one person to get out of debt if 200 people are helping them.

A debt free church is a church that can be used to to it's full potential.

Stay blessed,

Ced Reynolds

Posted by The Entrepreneurial Pastor at

just some thoughts...

Since I do not have TV, nor do I read the newspaper (much), there are those who may think I am living in the dark ages...or deciding to remain ignorant about issues that are being raised in Government and the world around me.

1st...my life is not governed by the world, nor the government that is around me. Yes, I follow the laws of the land, pay my taxes, because that is law. Yet, my final resting ground is not here, and my faith is in the eternal, not the here and now.

It has become more and more disturbing to read and listen to hate speeches, and I have been increasingly more disturbed with those who consider me a part of the problem, because of my faith. The notion that I hate gays or lesbians, the notion that I hate those who abort their babies...right up to the due date, because it's legal!! They assume things because I believe in Jesus Christ. I believe in the radical move of the Holy Spirit. It was interesting today, listening to the farse..."Prop 8 - The Musical" depicting Jesus Christ as someone just spewing "love", and not hate...and yet the farse is just that! Depicting Christian's who are all the same...all dressed in black and white...stuffy and back country. Of just accepting one part of the Bible and not the rest. Please don't give me that garbage as an excuse when the makers of this Farse...believe the same thing. If you are not living what the Bible says, or supporting it as a whole piece of God ordained and inspired piece of work...then don't use it as something as a weapon against another person.

What was interesting is the way it made fun of itself, depicting the issue of just acceptance of gay and lesbian marriage...and the issue of making money off of it. That everyone should just accept it and make money off the whole issue.

It shows me that they really don't take it serious, that it is just another issue to raise...and maybe we could also say agenda to be placed on the table of parliament, and pushing the envelope of hatred itself.

I truly believe that we are in the days of Noah, that we have been here before, and this time, we are treading on very thin ice. That Jesus is coming back and that He does not come on a little pony, with daisies in his hair...speaking...love...and peace, rather, he is a savior who is coming back as a warrior, on a strong horse, proclaiming that His kingdom has come...and it will come as a great shock to many people. I pray for mercy and grace...I pray for repentance to happen and a turning toward holiness...I pray for radical conversions and repentance of sin.

Lord have mercy!

Bill C-484 Is there a bigger problem?

As a man, I do not take woman’s issues lightly, nor do I take children’s rights lightly. And, as a man I will not even entertain voting for a candidate who does not support Bill C-484, which recognizes that harming a fetus (baby) an act of violence against the woman carrying it as a criminal offence. This bill respects the right toward fetal (baby) rights.
I have read articles on the Unborn victims of Crime Act and applaud the bill. We continue to debate whether or not it “infringes on women’s rights, and people can only assume that it would likely result in harm against pregnant women, and we can only assume this, as this bill has not yet been passed.
In one article, someone writes that it “could” criminalize pregnant women for behaviors perceived to harm their fetuses (babies). What behaviors are we talking about? Drinking, drugs? We already know that behaviors like this do affect fetuses (babies).
What is more interesting is the fact that here in Canada, there is no abortion law, and a woman can have an abortion right up to her due date, yet, if she gives birth even at 20 weeks, Doctors try to safe the life of the baby. Despite the fact that the baby will usually have health issues for the rest of their lives, which burdens the health care system.
We have rights for women. That is great. Yet, who is protecting the right of a fetus (baby)?
If we believe that this fetus (baby) can survive even at 20 weeks, then we have to have laws in place to protect that fetus (baby) because they too have a right to be protected against harm.
Maybe the bigger issue to this is the reality that our culture really doesn’t care one way or the other about people? Be they fetuses (babies) or children, or adults. Maybe we live in a world that is so “me” centered that who really cares about another person’s life. Who really cares about a fetus (baby) who can get injured or killed by crime? Who really cares about the woman who carries the fetus (baby)? Who really cares for the children who walk the streets, because they have parents who don’t give a crap about them? Who really cares for the sick who are unable to care for themselves? Who really cares for the handicapped people, they are just a burden anyway, they can die in hospital waiting rooms? Who really cares for someone who is being beaten up, right in front of us? Who cares for the prostitute on the street corner? Who really cares for the elderly in a seniors home or in a run down apartment?
I think there is a deeper issue here in regards to rights, and the respecting of rights. Until we as a nation, care for others, who really cares?
But for me, as a man, as a husband, as a father, I believe in social justice, and I believe in caring for people, regardless! Be that a fetus (baby), an infant, child, adolescent, adult, elderly, handicapped…and the list goes on. I commend any one who supports the two Conservative Candidates in Winnipeg who support this bill. There should be more!

Days of Noah

Are we in the days of Noah?

Where people drank, lived a life of merriment, laughing, scoffing. When people will scoff at those who believe, conservatively and not necessarily scoff at the "liberal theology, that anything goes".

Today, I was reminded of who God is...and His heart for me...and His children. I was reminded of the cost of following Christ.

There is a cost! When you believe in Christ, it is not just..."let's love people..." but it is allowing him to refine and change you. It means getting into the trenches and realizing that the very act of the cross means more than just "loving others" it means that Christ came to change people.

So when we start believing that...the Bible's translation by man is marred, and that the word of God does not mean what it says, and that really anything goes...because once you start thinking that one sin issue is okay, then really, it is all okay.

Some people have said I am a fool to believe that I can change from a gay identified man to one that is not. Some people say that I am suppressing and some people say that my marriage is a fake, and some people say that just because I am still tempted means that nothing has changed. These people are saying I am a fool. These people are saying that no one has changed or can change...and these people then do not believe in Jesus...the Christ who is in the habit of change. He is in the profession of radically changing people. Christ came for me! He came to make things right, not wrong.

Today, I reminded someone that I have been on both sides of the coin here. I have lived both lives. Actually I am ex ex ex gay! Yet...even that is not what defines me. I am a follower of Christ, who believes radically in His word. Not because, I am hoping I don't miss out when he comes again (you know the better believe in him, because it is a win win situation...and if Jesus doesn't exist then I did not miss anything anyway!)
I love JESUS! I love what he has done and continues to do in my life. I had a life altering moment with God which radically changed me. Hear me...He changes me, not me changing myself. Maybe this is simplistic...maybe to some naive...but it is the story that God is writing in my life...not the other way around.

So I think we are in the days of Noah...which is the days of the coming of the King. People get ready, Jesus is coming...and I think we may be in for a shock!

INJUSTICE

NEWS FLASH!!! Brad Pitt donating money...again. Here is the clip found on the web. I will interject my own thoughts through out the article.


Brad Pitt has donated a staggering $106,312 to help fight Californian ballot Proposition 8, which would take away gay couples' right to marry.
Brad Pitt has donated a staggering $106,312 to support gay couples' right to marry.

The 'Burn After Reading' actor - who previously revealed he would not marry partner Angelina Jolie until everyone in America is "legally able" to marry whoever they want - gave the money to help fight Californian ballot Proposition 8, which aims to take away the homosexual community's right to wed.

In a statement, Brad said: "Because no one has the right to deny another their life, (I WONDER THEN...WHAT IS BRAD'S VIEW ON ABORTION. THAT IS A LIFE, AND WOULD HE FUND OR DONATE MONEY TO HELP SAVE THE LIFE OF CHILDREN? WOULD HE GIVE TO NON PROFIT ORGANIZATIONS THAT OFFER ANOTHER ALTERNATIVE TO ABORTION? NO ONE HAS THE RIGHT TO DENY ANOTHER THEIR LIFE...PARENTS INCLUDED!) even though they disagree with it, because everyone has the right to live the life they so desire if it doesn't harm another and because discrimination has no place in America, my vote will be for equality and against Proposition 8." (NO ONE HAS THE RIGHT TO END A LIFE, EVEN IF THEY DISAGREE WITH IT. BECAUSE EVERYONE HAS THE RIGHT TO LIVE THE LIFE THEY SO DESIRE...WHICH INCLUDES BABIES...WHO HAVE NO RIGHTS)

Brad's donation is the largest given to the anti-Proposition 8 campaign by an A-list celebrity so far.

(OKAY, THOSE A-LIST CELEBRITIES WHO ARE CHRISTIAN...NEED TO STEP UP TO THE PLATE AND GIVE TO ORGANIZATIONS THAT PROMOTE LIFE, SOCIAL JUSTICE, AND TO ORGANIZATIONS THAT OFFER A DIFFERENT APPROACH, WHICH IS NOT DISCRIMINATION, IT IS GIVING TO AN ORGANIZATION THAT PROMOTES HEALTH, WHOLENESS AND AN ALTERNATIVE TO SOCIETIES NORM. IT IS GIVING TO PROVIDE AGAINST DISCRIMINATION AGAINST PASTORS, CHRISTIAN LEADERS WHO WILL BE FORCED TO MARRY AGAINST THEIR BELIEF SYSTEMS. BEING FORCED TO DO SOMETHING AGAINST YOUR WILL/THOUGHTS AND BELIEFS IS ALSO DISCRIMINATION...SO BRAD PITT IS ACTUALLY PROMOTING DISCRIMINATION.)

Political strategist Chad Griffin added: "It is our hope that others in the entertainment industry will step up and match Brad Pitt's heroic commitment to quality and defeating Proposition 8."
The 44-year-old actor's decision to donate the money comes just a week after Brad and Angelina - who has previously enjoyed lesbian relationships (THIS HAS TO BE THROWN IN...WHY? WHO CARES IF SHE PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED LESBIAN RELATIONSHIPS...SHE IS NOT A LESBIAN...OR ELSE SHE WOULDN'T BE WITH BRAD PITT)- were ranked in sixth position on Parade magazine's list of the most generous celebrities in the world, after giving away $8.9 million of their own money to charitable causes in 2007.

MY COMMENTS ARE THE BOLD ONES. WHAT REALLY GOT ME IS THE STATEMENT MADE IN THE BEGINNING ON EVERYONE HAS THE RIGHT TO LIVE A LIFE THEY DESIRE, EVEN IF OTHERS DO NOT AGREE. SEEING THE ADOPTIONS THAT BRAD AND ANGELINA HAVE DONE, I BELIEVE THAT MAYBE BRAD SHOULD DONATE TO END ABORTION. WHICH DOES NOT GIVE THE BABY THE RIGHT TO LIVE THAT LIFE THAT THEY DESIRE...EVEN THOUGH THE PARENTS DO NOT AGREE.

ANOTHER ISSUE IS THAT HERE WE HAVE A-LIST ACTORS WHO THINK THEY ARE SO MUCH MORE POWERFUL JUST BECAUSE THEY HAVE MONEY. THAT IS CRAP. THEY ARE ACTORS, AND I HAVE KNOW A FEW IN MY LIFE, AND SOME YOU NEVER KNOW WHO THEY REALLY ARE, THEY ACT ALL THE TIME. THEY ARE JUST LIKE ANY OTHER PERSON ON THE FACE OF THE PLANET...THEY HAVE MADE SOME MOVIES...THAT'S IT. THEY'VE BEEN OVER PAID...THAT'S IT. NOW THEY SWING THEIR MONEY HERE AND THERE, EXPECTING PEOPLE TO APPLAUD THEIR EFFORTS. A GOOD EXAMPLE IS OPRAH...WHO DOESN'T LEAD BY EXAMPLE...SHE SOUNDS GREAT ON AIR, DOES SOME GOOD THINGS HERE AND THERE, YET, LIVES A LIFE OF EXTREME. EXTREME WEALTH, WHEN MILLIONS OF PEOPLE DIE EVERY DAY BECAUSE THEY LACK WATER, SHELTER, HEALTH. SHE COULD ACTUALLY LIVE ON PROBABLY 10% OF WHAT SHE BRINGS IN...AND SHE COULD GIVE THE REST AWAY. FANCY THAT IDEA. BUT WE IDEALIZE THEM AND PLACE THEM SO FAR ABOVE THE ORDINARY PERSON. OPRAH SAYS SOMETHING AND WE ALL HOLD OUR BREATH...AH...WORDS OF WISDOM!?!?! COMING FROM HER?
WHEN WILL SOCIETY SEE THE HYPOCRISY IN REGARDS TO CELEBRITIES! WHEN WILL SOCIETY FORGET ABOUT A-LIST ACTORS, OPRAH WINFREY'S AND STAND UP FOR THEMSELVES RATHER THAN WAITING FOR AN A LIST ACTOR TO DO THIS OR THAT.
WHEN WILL SOCIETY STOP THE CELEBRITIES MAKING THE NEWS...AND STAND UP FOR POVERTY, INJUSTICE, WHICH CELEBRITIES...COULDN'T CARE LESS ABOUT.

OKAY...ONE RANT DONE! MAYBE I'LL JUST WATCH A MOVIE...HA!

Grief...

The words, "let me know what we can do to help!", or a friendly pat on the shoulder...as they walk by. As I gulp down the verge of exploding in tears and wailing. Noticing my wife sitting amongst women, in a circle, no one really saying anything, rather, they are just sitting embracing my wife, as tears ebb down her face.

I stand off to the side, alone, taking in the sight of her, shedding the tears for our babies, the ones we won't hold in our arms, the ones we won't watch take their first step, say their first word, graduate, marry, birth their own children.

I stand alone, an occasional glance, a pat on the back, a nod in my direction. I stand, a pillar, a shadow. Maybe I am overly sensitive, maybe I care too much. Maybe my heart is too big. What I do know is that my sense of loss is huge. I have always dreamed of having a large family, many children. My own and those whom I would take in.

Through my own decisions I walked away for 10 years, my 30's. I walked away from a time when many people are planning children. I was absorbed in my own life, getting my own needs met. Now...I long to see my wife, birth. I long to see her beam as she holds our children in her arms. I long to hold them in my arms, against my chest, so they know they are safe, secure. I long to wipe their tears, teach them to pray.

Grief. A fathers grief...often forgotten. Comfort the mother, the wife, as the man stands off, a shadow of what he used to be.

I have learnt from watching, and learnt from my grief, what not to do. Maybe that is what God is doing. Maybe God is showing me what not to say, what not to do. I know that I can shelter my pain, hide it away from people, because, if I let it go...it would look messy, unattractive...unappealing. Maybe it is my own pride that stands in the way of my own grief.

I have made it to the place where anger and sadness are friends. I have made it to the place where I realize my own vulnerabilities, and need to move it to the next rung of the ladder. I need to lay it down. I can't carry it any more, I can't burden it any longer.

No matter where you are in the journey, grief stinks, grief is debilitating, yet grief is a way of saying, you have a heart, you feel, you are alive, you are human. I have said and continue to say to people, that it is important to grieve and to walk that through in a variety of differnt ways. Now, I stand in a differnt area of grief, the loss of children and the loss of dreams and the loss of what could have been.

I am challenged to find the words that I have spoken to others, and put that into practice. I have found that I need to go to the cross, I need to go to my Heavenly Papa, and give it to him, to go to him, for comfort and support and for my refuge.

I can say, it will be okay, and I can see it being okay, yet right now, it's not okay. It's not okay. I am not okay. I am a mess. I am not together...and I don't care that I am not. My mind wanders. I forget. I can forget what I did the night before. I don't care to phone someone, and tell them how I am doing. I don't care to continually make excuses for my lack of enthusiasm, or lack of energy. I could sleep all day. That is grief. I am tired of apologizing for my lack of leadership and tired of explaining that I am feeling like I am going to crack up at any given time. I am tired of not crying, and feeling angry.

Some days, that is how I feel. Some days, I feel joy, happiness, and believe it will be all okay. I sometimes have hope that we will carry to term, and I will one day hold babies in my arms, babies who are a part of me and part of my wife. I still dream of that. I still long for that. I can be present, I can be focused, I can minister to others, yet I also know my vulnerability in the change of direction that I can go. It could be a reminder of fatherhood, it could be a picture, a thought, an image. It could be just the emptiness in my arms and heart.

I guess this is just me, and where I am at. I guess, I could say that I am okay, but I'm not...and that's okay. I am okay with it. I just wish sometimes that others would be okay with it too.

been a long time

Today, I am tired.

I am tired of being tired. I realize that when things are hard at work, it makes it challenging to be upbeat. I am a pretty optimistic person, and when that starts leaving then I can get pretty funky!!

My saving grace is home...and it being a sanctuary for me...and my wife, who I am so in love with. I thank God for her...and for Him bringing her into my life, to bring me balance and I am thankful that she believes in healthy guidelines on how to live life as a couple. I love it that she loves God more than me. Hmmm, crazy but true.

So, we face challenges...many.

For the most part, I am someone who loves and needs to write. To pen things down on paper or computer. To get my thoughts fully out of my head, this is what I need to do. I have been challenged to be more 'relational' to communicate out of my mouth, but what happens for me is that I am a slow thinker. I am not quick, so my responses to questions come later...once meetings are up, or when people leave. I think..."why didn't I say that?"

So I write, and sadly I have not been doing that lately and it has been showing. My mind seems to not be as focused...that could be the amount of things on my plate, it could be the grieving (which I put the money on). We had someone come and talk with us about loss, and to grieve that loss. She also told us what our bodies would do in the grieving stage...and yes...to everything she said. Anger, forgetfulness, loss of appetite, increased appetite...sleepiness...the list goes on.

We are trying our best to be healthy, to look after ourselves and each other in the midst of this all. Plus, look after the house, get things done here. It is a challenge but it makes us press in to God more. Both of us feel that.

On that note...What I am saying is that I miss my blog, miss writing. I have been in communication with a few people about issues and have been expressing myself more, and letting others know me again. It is good. After I got married...someone told me that they missed Kenn. What has happened is Kenn has evolved and become the Kenny that he was always meant to be. The man that he was supposed to be in all areas of his life.

So here's to evolution...or in other terms, restoration, redemption. Jesus is good, Papa is amazing...and all is well.

failures-evolution

I was sent a quote and have been communicating with people in regards to the thoughts on failures...here is an excerpt from the dialogues...

A QUOTE FROM A GOOD FRIEND.

At least if you're failing, you know you're alive; you're participating, engaged, learning, and therefore contributing to evolution.
The Japanese have a phrase for this; they call it "the nobility of failure,"
implying, "Look at all the great things at which this person failed.
She was really alive."

Honor one of your noble failures

My comment...

PRAISE THE LORD FOR FAILURES>>>WHICH SAYS WE ARE LIVING!!!!!

I pray that each of you know of God's immense love for you
today.regardless of your feelings and thoughts. You are loved and
that will never change.

Then I received a response and this is my response to their email...


Yes, God wants us to be perfect as He is perfect. My thought on that is...

We will never measure up. God is God, we are not. In that we will fail, we will walk in failure, even when we try to be the best we can. It is in that failure that we recognize our need for Jesus, the holy spirit and our Papa.

We can be wise, we can be on fire, we can be mentally with it and be the best planner and still fail. So how do we cope with those failures...do we shame ourselves...do we think less of ourselves...do we accept grace as that which covers those failures? In the words of evolution...the context that is referred to in this quote is our evolving as Jesus Followers...it is an expression of not being the same as I was yesterday. That I admit my shortcomings and "failures"...and I have to recognize that which I have not done well, even when I am working hard not to fail...so that I can say...Jesus, may I learn from this, may I grow from this, help me to be the best and not make the same mistakes that I did before.

I think in terms of honoring our failures...it is more recognizing them, that they do exist...if we turn a blind eye on them...we are like that ostrich that puts its head in the sand...or turns a blind eye on that which God wants us to recognize, so we can move forward, instead of just burying it.

What about those people who are struggling, who are trying to put their lives back together, the prostitute on the street who knows Jesus, yet cannot yet quit acting out...what is her worth? I always think, about my attitude, my thoughts and how I communicate them to others, especially someone who is struggling with issues and the expression of that struggle is more visible on the exterior (rather than the 'average' Christian in a church seat...who is just the same as that prostitute on the street).

I am reminded of the word that says..."His strength is made perfect in my weakness". It does not say His strength is made perfect in my victories.

I believe what you say, where you are coming from. I just wanted to clarify evolution, from a relevant Christian perspective...this one was not intended to focus on the evolutionary theory of creation...rather the evolution of our inner man, as we walk with Christ...and not being the same as we were yesterday.

Just in the area of me, clarifying the evolutionary word, I recognize that I have to watch how I put my words and to define what they mean. That is what I am doing here.

I also hate my failures, and they do not define me. Yet, I know because I have walked in recognizing them, sitting in it (not in a passive way, but a pro-active way) with Jesus.
I do however understand Grace, and know that in walking with people who recognize their need for Jesus, and the failures that they do, that often it is a process...a step by step process of healing. It may mean that you will fall flat on your face...and what do you do with that? How do you walk with someone who has fallen...and needs the help of his/her Christian brothers and sisters. I think of the paralytic man who was lowered down from the roof, so that he would get healed. He needed his brothers to help him, to carry him, to cut a hole.
I am reminded of Lazarus...and the words of Jesus, that said...unbind him. There was a deeper meaning to that statement. That often people are dead in their sin, their hurts, and pain. That we as a body of Christ, who are to be like Christ, are to unbind those in pain and hurt. It means that we need to recognize that with death, there is stink, ugliness and pain. It means walking with others regardless of their victories and failures.

"My gracious favor is all you need. My power works best in your weakness. So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may work through me. Since I know it is all for Christ's good, I am quite content with my weaknesses and with insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Corinthians 12:9-10 NLT

A question...What is our role as a Christian? What is our mandate? What is our focus here on earth?

Thanks for your words...I love the dialogue.

Night Life

So I have been dialoging with people in regards to how we see community as a Christian. I have become more and more challenged in regards to my pattern of thinking.

Where do I begin?

I have realized that I have not been blogging much lately, travel, marriage and work have kept me pretty much away from the computer at home...okay...plus...the computer was stolen...ya...that bites.

I have watched as the inner city has become darker and darker. More crime, more crime and less action against it. During a ministry experience my wife shared with me a story of someone who said the street was calling them. I asked her if she knew what that meant. She didn't. So I shared with her my thoughts as I lived it, and know the draw of the street.
The smell. There is a night smell, which is often sweet in aroma, you can smell the trees, the grass. Nature at it's best...but that is not all. There are the sounds, the sites and the adrenaline rush of getting a fix. Be it drugs or sex...there is a draw. It is a deep pull toward something you know is not good for you, yet you long for it at the same time. Often the longing beats the not good for you thought.

So what is one looking for when the street calls your name. For me it was validation through anonymous sexual encounters. I knew where to go, when to go and what to do.
It did not matter how my day was going. I could be totally connected with people, being social, having the time of my life, and then I'd go home and it would call me. It was as if I needed the icing on top of the cake that I had already consumed. I wanted more. I wanted the intimacy...as false as it was. I wanted the validation, as degrading as it was. I would go to all lengths to get the need met. No money changed hands, but I was selling myself short. I was selling myself for a quick fix to solve any emotional response that came up within me. If I felt anger, joy, sadness, despair...any emotion...I would go and find pleasure.

Now I have come to realize that the need for validation, and intimacy are legitimate but not in regards to getting them through anonymous sexual encounters. But I also realize that looking back, there were few people who could or would understand what I was going through...or who felt safe for me to share this with. Who wants to hear about another sexual fall, or getting drunk or high and then spending hours on the street, sleeping with who ever took a fancy for you or took initiative to pursue you.

Little did I know that Jesus was there. He was with me, walking with me, knocking at my heart. Yet no one shared that with me...no one called me on my behavior, no one asked how are you "really doing"...instead of just accepting my "fine" as written in stone.

I learned the hard way...I had to come to the end of my rope...myself...and with Jesus knocking a little harder than the world.

I know now that Jesus was teaching me by the holy spirit that I needed to live life different, that I needed to feel the emotions, rather than, quickly numb it through sex. I needed to feel. I needed to feel intense pain, in order to heal, to grieve, to mourn, to then be able to stand, dance, rejoice.

So how does one do that...how does one take a stand for themselves and say no more. No more will I sell myself for a quick fix?

Where do we fit in with that person?

Where do you fit in with me?

Are you willing to go deep with someone, are you willing to die for someone, are you willing to give till it hurts, care about someone till you weep uncontrollably? Are you willing to risk having them be a part of your life, your family? Are you willing to be robbed, cheated, spit at, scorned? Are you willing to be Christ in the flesh?

I think we have it backward as Christ followers. Yes, we are Christ followers, but as we follow, do we obey? Do we do the things we are called to do, so we feel good? Do we do the things we do because it looks good? Or are we getting messy? Are we following Christ or being like him? We are called to be Christ, to finish the work he started.

In looking inward, I have a long, long way to go, in taking risks, in stepping out into the boldness that Christ has birthed within me. I hear him speaking to me and it scares the life out of me...and it should. IT SHOULD! I should not be afraid to die. Die to my own flesh, my own desires and wants. I am selfish, that is my sinful, worldly nature. I care far too much about my life.

Western living...hmmm, we (me included) have been programmed to think, if we don't have this or that, we are less than.

I wonder sometimes when I see the public school systems under attack, gangs, shootings, prostitution, bullying and I wonder...where the hell are the Christian's? Oh, excuse me, they are in private Christian schools or being home schooled...far away from the evil of the public realm...are they being trained to be the SALT and the LIGHT? Are they actually living out their faith, making it real to themselves through being involved in those from other cultures, faiths and denominations? Are we training our children to walk the walk and talk the talk? Are we showing them what life is like on the outside of our comfortable homes, with little risk?

Maybe, I think about these things, write about these things because I live in the inner city, and see little change? I see few people standing up, and I am scared that it might be me, who is being called to take a stand...and then realize that yes, Christ is calling me to make MERCY and JUSTICE my friend. To be the extender of grace, yet call forth justice against drug dealers, slum landlords, corrupt cops, politicians and AAAHHH, it scares the crap out of me, because I feel so insignificant. I don't have the letters behind my name or government credentials, so who will listen to me?

Paula and I have been praying about a vision for our lives as a couple and we have one. To feed the hungry, to bind up the broken hearted, to look after widows and orphans and to set captives free. What a vision! We do all this as we surrender ourselves before our maker, our King and say...use us Lord! No matter what it looks like or feels like. Because it is not about us...it is about you, who have commissioned us and called us forth, to lay down our lives and serve.

We are praying for a home...a sanctuary that we can house people. We are calling forth a mansion on a hill top. We are calling for it, we are boldly asking for it. A very good friend sent me this verse today, and I wept as I read it...

“I am the Lord”, he says, “and there is no other. I publicly proclaim bold promises.
I do not whisper obscurities in some dark corner so that no one can understand what I mean.
And I did not tell the people of Israel to ask me for something I did not plan to give.
I, the Lord, speak only what is true and right.”

Isaiah 45:18b – 19

God, we boldly ask for that which you have promised for us...a home, an inheritance for our children, refuge, and our daily bread.

I pray that you who read this may feel inspired to join us in a revolution...a counter culture way of life...because the one who inspired us...was just that!

To fear or not to fear, that is the question

This is a photo of the Mamba, one of the worlds tallest roller coasters and fastest drop speed...and yes...I went on it a few weeks ago.

I have never been on a roller coaster, and this one was the first. At one point, as I waited in line, I thought...where is the nearest exit, but then I also knew I would regret not doing it. So I boarded the car, did up my seat belt and off we went, at least most of me did.

A friend sat beside me, looking at me, asking me if I was scared...uh huh! I could barely get words out of my mouth...he told me to look over and around the sky...um, nope...it was not possible, as I gripped the bar with all my might, as I squeezed my eyes as tight as possible and as I tried to get breath into my lungs. I couldn't breath...I was gripped by fear. I was paralized with fear for the first time in my 40 years of life. Never before had I ever felt this way. I could not move, could not speak, could not open my eyes. All I knew was that we kept going higher and higher...and all of this took place within seconds. Then there was a slight pause...I knew we made it to the top...and even now as I write this, I feel that tingling in my belly button, that weird sensation, much like swinging too high on a swing.

How could I have been so daft as to think I could do this...I am going to perish!

But no, I didn't...the pause was ended by a vertical drop, as I opened my mouth, a groan was all that was heard...what sounded like a death cry...the last utterance of sound...the only sound I could make. I fixate on the sound, because, I thought it would be a girly scream, but no, this came from the depths of my being.

In close to 2 minutes the ride was over, I felt like I was over. Glad to have done it, but realizing that never again, do I need to face that fear, or want to. See, I am afraid of heights. I have always been. Don't ask me when it began, for I cannot remember, all I know is that this man is still afraid of heights. What I can say is this, that I have been on one of the tallest roller coasters and faced a giant fear. I did it. Bought the T-shirt and don't ever need to do the Mamba again.

We did however do 2 more coasters, one a wooden one (which shook us all up) and then one that is inverted...you are hooked from the top and sit in a bucket chair...feet dangling in the air...it was the girly scream ride...the whole time...but one I would do again.

Someone said that if I faced that fear, I can also face marriage...

I am looking forward to that day...nearly upon us, when two are one, and life is working toward goals to serve one another. Living on the less traveled path, knowing there is bumps and turns, branches to look out for, yet doing it with someone who is your best friend and someone you can't see yourself without...for the rest of your life.

It is good...all good.

calgary

so, the journey so far has led us through manitoba, saskatchewan...where we stayed the night at 3 different homes, arriving late yesterday night and then basically going in, finding the bedroom, falling asleep. it was a good journey thus far. we laughed, and laughed, and cried a bit, as we listened to some teaching from the exodus conference. that seems like a month ago, when in reality it was 2 weeks ago. i enjoyed the exodus conference this year, as i served them by being on the prayer time. i found my niche, or my passion. being there, connecting with specific people was amazing and i met some wonderful people who are living life as best as they can in a culture that says they are not valued or that they are denying themselves. how odd it is for those who have chosen the path toward God, laying down their own fleshly desires to actually take up the cross and follow after their king...their savior, their love! the world sees it as foolish, that we are being brainwashed and yet if we look at it from our eyes, we can say the same things...we can say that the world is brainwashing those to enter a lifestyle that often brings unfullfillment. i met a lot of unhappy people, who would claim happiness, yet looking closer, there is so much unhappiness, sex filled with drugs, alcohol, one partner, lover after another, trying to fill that void. trying to find that "right one" that will fill the loneliness, the emptiness, the deep longings. i speak with experience. i too was there, searching to find that thing the someone to fill my insecurities, my hurts, my loneliness. that person to affirm me.

now looking forward, i know the one that truly affirms me, the one who loves me, fills that emptiness, that loneliness, the longings. it is my heavenly king, my father, my all in all. as cheesy as that may sound to some people, it has brought me a sense of stability, a deep knowing that i am loved, and that i am okay. i do not need anyone to complete me, but God has brought someone into my life who will share the load, who will walk with me, who is christ in the flesh. i have many people who have been christ to me, but this one is different, she is my opposite. this week, i get to see God move in her, as she allows him to minister to her, drawing her, wooing her unto himself...for I come second to God, who is her first love...and i am thankful for that. i am thankful that i do not need to lean into her for completion and she need not lean into me, yet we support one another with love and we encourage one another, love one another.

we are in calgary, part of the living waters leadership training conference and this year i am an assistant small group leader and i am looking forward to it. i am reminded of my need for God to be my everything, he is the one who speaks and i hear his voice for his sheep know their masters voice. i pray that this will go deeper, that as i am willing to be his hands, feet, that he will minister to me in ways that he want to. that i will be willing to listen.

well, it is late, and tomorrow will be a long day, a day of newness, challenges all their own, and i focus on tomorrow, tomorrow. i give thanks for today and the brightness of the sky, the breeze that cooled us, and the way God moves in time. he is my lover, the one that ravishes my heart, and i long to dwell in his sanctuary. i am thankful for the blessings he pours out, the gift of love, joy, peace and power.

If i can i will blog a wee bit during the week, but have no idea if there is access there. please pray for strength and humility.
please pray that God will bless financially, as my support is not 100% and paula and i have been praying for a home to purchase, before the prices rise to a place where we will not be able to afford. we cherish you and pray a blessing over you.

faithful

Today, as I waited on the Lord, I asked him to remind me of his blessing, and his faithfulness. I was tired today, feeling a bit empty and felt the need to wait on him. So the day went by...

...Pea and I went to meet with a wedding photographer and he is the best in Manitoba...okay, probably in Canada and I knew him and his wife from years ago...but that is years ago.
We met at his studio...the woman at the front desk greeted us with recognition...and realized our connection was Soul.

Then we met the photographer, and it was so comfortable, easy, we listened, taking it all in and getting excited...and for me I knew that he is so out of our range...yet, as a missionary, just gave a figure to God, one that we could afford and one we could do within our budget. After sharing our heart and our passion, he did a quote and we got blessed, all I will say is that God showed me his faithfulness and his blessing. He reminded me of that through this photographer...through the watching of Pea's face, through her tears after we left the building, as we shared our thankfulness. We left with grateful hearts. This is huge for us...this is new for us...this is beautiful. I keep seeing flowers bloom, I keep seeing Pea's face light up, and another part of her blossoms. It is really incredible and wonderful.

So we are getting ready, we are loving this time, even through wedding stresses, we sit back and think...wow...God you are faithful...and will Bless those who honor you and give you the glory.

I am excited that a few friends from a distance are coming...okay...way excited. I miss them and am looking forward in seeing them and celebrating with them. The day will be amazing and wonderful.

The social is June 23rd...email me for tickets...that will be a party you do not want to miss.