Check That Anger

Have you ever felt like your life is going from one explosion to another?  Feelings of isolation, disconnection, aloneness, insecurities, fear and pain from past failures or hurts done to you.

Left unchecked our emotions, leave us vulnerable to emotional/physical explosions, which not only affect us personally but those around us, our families, friends, work colleagues and neighbors. These explosions come in varying forms, and we cope with it in varying ways.

Let's look at anger. 

Now, anger is not entirely bad.  It's a mechanism to help us discover that we may need to unpack deeper emotions.  Experiencing anger can be yelling or constantly getting frustrated with someone or something. You can respond to others by ignoring them, answering them in short curt ways, using sarcasm, snide or degrading comments. The word of God tells us that what comes out of our mouth is what is coming from our heart. Our heart is what we think. It is the place where we store up all of our experiences (good and bad)

Luke 6:45 is sobering words for us; "A good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and an evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For the mouth speaks what the heart is full of."

and Proverbs 4:23 which says, 'Guard your heart with all diligence, for from it flows springs of life.'

Given these verses, how do we do this? How can we experience a new response other than anger?  It's allowing the Holy Spirit to reveal to you, your heart.  'Search me Lord, see if there is any wicked way in me and lead me to understanding!' Maybe fast for awhile, or remove entertainment, social media, shopping, drinking or whatever you feel like you are turning to, to find comfort. Maybe that is even in relationships if you find your meaning and purpose from others. Listening to the Lord in your quiet place and then allow him to minister healing to the underlying pain or sin that he wants to address.

One of the areas in my life that comes up every once in awhile are my own disappointments in life choices. Truth be told, when I face a situation that reminds me of past failures, or when I don't have a solution to a problem, emotions can come to the surface such as pain, shame and self pity and this begins to paralyze me. I'm reminded of the bullying, broken boundaries, and the sense that I often felt like I lacked more instructions on what I needed to face as an adult. (at the time I had no language to seek help) This caused me to walk in a false sense of independence. Trying to figure out life and all its complexities, with an attitude of  'you can't tell me what to do'. But under all of that is still someone who needs encouragement and guidance.

The best response in all of this is to surrender. To hand over all the disappointments over to Jesus which is a catalyst to healing. Giving Jesus our past poor choices and allowing ourselves to grieve the reasons behind it and then move on is huge. I think that’s the art of forgiveness. Where you forgive others and also forgive yourself, you choose to no longer shame yourself into apathy or self deprecation, which just cripples oneself to moving on toward the prize set before us and lose sight of the good still all around you.

If you find yourself wondering about your explosions, anger, or how you are responding to others, seek out someone to pray with you. Someone who will listen with you to the voice of Jesus who forgives all your sin, who offers you hope even in the face of uncertainty, peace in the midst of turmoil, joy even in your pain and an opportunity to encounter his eternal love that he has for you, each and every day.

Posture in the Storm

It's been a long time since I've written on this blog.  Life has a way of grabbing hold of more of my attention and I lacked the desire and fortitude to journal.  This blog is in essence a platform to publicly journal and that was the why in creating it.  I've learned so much in the course of almost 20 years or blogging and journaling in the secret place.  

Most of the learning in this format is to know what to share, how much and is my perspective clear, right or honorable.  I've made terrible mistakes in writing and presenting my story, and those are mistakes I cannot take back but learn from.  Thankfully, there is grace in this place, to own the mistakes and move on accordingly.

One of the most significant things I am learning is that our battle is not one of flesh and blood...but rather a spiritual one that takes precision and being fully awake to comprehend what is happening.  One of the greatest things I believe God is showing me is my response to the storms and trials of life.  The things that are seeking to take me off course.

Over the course of the last several years I have encountered storms of many kinds, which have impacted me on many levels.  Some of them have paralyzed me in grief and depression, while others have caused me to isolate in ways of entertainment and eating, rather than being emotionally present with acknowledging my need, and some have caused me to be unshaken, unfurled by the winds and waves and I see God in the midst of all of this.  A God who is full of grace and mercy and love, always there for me and always desiring that I turn to him first and foremost.

One of these storms has been walking with my wife who has a chronic illness.  I have to be honest, there have been many times I was unable to adequately support her.  I was helpless and had no clue how to 'fix this'.  Maybe that is a typical response for a man, but I wanted desperately for her to be well, for her to live a life of abundance and yet I saw my wife many times crumpled in pain, unable to get out of bed and my helplessness in this place.  

This was a storm and I was faced not so much with my wife's illness, but rather my response or lack of response.  In many ways I retreated to my fortress or a place of self preservation.  I'd like to say I was heroic in my care for her and she would say that I did the best I could and that I was a GREAT husband, and yes, I could get the job done, but God has been calling me to something more.  

Here it came down to what God wanted to do in me, not so much in my wife.  He wanted to attend to my inner man and he was calling me to pray.  Yet, I worked and did all the things I needed to support and care for not just her but our daughter and home.  I worked hard, but it seemed something was missing.  I stopped praying.  I would pray for certain things, but I didn't delve into the place of prayer for just the sake of being with God, and availing my heart to him, so that he would attend to my heart.

I'd like to say that years later, my prayer life has been forged in the fire of this storm, but truthfully, I am still in the maturing stage of what it means to look past the physical, what I can see with my eyes and actually war in the spiritual places and press in.  What I am learning in this place is that God is just asking me to show up. To show up in prayer both in a routine way, but also to pray without ceasing and to recognize that he is at work every second of my existence here on earth and that he has things he wants to accomplish and do when I pray.  I'm encouraged in this place that he hears every pray and the moment I begin to pray, activation starts.  

2 Corinthians 4:16-18

Therefore we do not lose heart.  Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.  For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we FIX our EYES not on what is seen, but on what is UNSEEN. For what is seen is temporary, but what is UNSEEN IS ETERNAL.

This reminds me that as I fix my eyes on the things of the spirit, the kingdom of God, that my momentary troubles...become lighter, less weightier because I know that my God is greater, mightier and more powerful than anything.  His love permeates into every aspect of a life surrendered, so rather than seeing only the human realities, focusing my eyes on the things of the kingdom, is achieving for me/us an eternal glory.  Wow that is good news, especially in all the things we face in this crazy world.  

Jesus, thank you that you have given us treasures from heaven, equipping us with your strength, power and peace. As we lay hold in greater measure the things of the spirit, your kingdom that has come, help us to walk in the knowledge that you have given us your mind (the mind of Christ), you are renewing our thinking, understanding so that we can walk as you did.  Help us to live in your love and may that love astound those around us, making them curious of your gospel message of good news. Amen

Orlando Loving

Every where you look on social media there is some news on the Orlando shooting.  I saw the faces of the men and women who lost their lives and my heart grieved!  It is a senseless tragedy which no one wishes on anyone.  My deepest condolences to each family and their friends.

I reflect on the fact that 11 years ago, this could have been me.  I frequented gay bars and I enjoyed meeting people, loved to drink and dance my cares away.  I read a write up on one of the victims and she loved going to the bars as she felt like she could just be herself.  I get that!

My prayers are with the families and friends who are now 'missing' those they loved!

My prayers are also with people who use this as a platform to spew ignorance and hate, and to those who use this to paint 'Christian's or people of other faiths' as bigots, homophobic, haters, etc.

I read a report by Neil McDonald, Senior Correspondent from CBC http://www.cbc.ca/news/politics/orlando-religion-anti-gay-bigotry-1.3631994?cmp=rss
who writes not on the issue of humanity gone wrong due to hate, but he brings in question of whether or not we need to have a conversation (which he states is overdue) regarding certain religions attitudes toward gays!

He starts the article with the story of the killing of Women in Montreal (a terrible tragedy as well)
and uses it to begin that not just the killing was bad but hatred toward women includes telling jokes about women, smiling at the jokes, or being sexist.  (I agree, but take a look at advertising, media, entertainment and we have a whole lot of growing up to do yet!)

He lays down that this too is where we are landing with gay intolerance, specifically within religions.  He quotes old testament scripture, the city of Sodom, and talks about the Muslim religion, and strongly portrays that homosexuality is an abomination, punishable by death.

He goes on to say "People of faith might ask themselves this; even if they've never so much as lifted a hand to a gay person, have they smiled at a homophobic joke?  Or overlooked mistreatment?  Or nodded during an anti-gay sermon?"

I get that too.  I lived a closeted life in the church for 20 years.  Secretly hoping no one would find out about my conflicting sense of gender and sexuality.  I heard little hope for anyone who struggled with homosexuality and transgenderism.  I eventually came out as a gay identified man (who also struggled with deep gender identity issues) and I had what I viewed as a valid chip on my shoulder.  I had a negative view of religion, and God and I was adamant that I would not be told by anyone how to live my life, and if they judged me, I wrote them off as a bigot, homophobe and a stupid ignorant $&^%#.  (I did have some good friends who identified as Christians who extended authentic love to me during this time!  They remain my dearest of friends!)

Then nearly a decade into this security that I had created for myself, I had an encounter with God, which changed my life.  It was His love, not hate, that propelled me to Jesus!  I submitted my whole life before him and he began to integrate my sexuality, identity, gender and heal and restore some deep wounds. I no longer identify as a gay man.  I continue to struggle with unwanted same sex attraction at times, but it is no longer a heavy weight of shame.  I seek to remain faithful to a God whose faithfulness is far greater than mine.  Whose love is beyond compare.

As I fearfully walked back into an evangelical community of believers, I openly talked about my journey, life, and struggles and I found others who embraced and loved me unconditionally.  I encountered others who got this thing called love.

As the world continues to talk more and more about hate, to which I have experienced first hand, lets maybe talk more about the underlying issue which is FEAR.

I have experienced hateful actions caused by peoples fears.  When you do not have answers or an understanding of something you can allow fear to rule your body, rather than love.  I encountered that within the Church and from those within the LGBT community.  What Neil McDonald is laying down in this article is actually quite scary.  He may not even see it, but he is categorizing 'all evangelical Christians and Muslims' as hateful, because their belief on homosexuality is different than the culture around them.  In this place he is fostering a posture of fear, which will only cause greater misunderstanding.  To value diversity is to say that I can have a belief which may be different than yours, yet, I will still love and care for you as a human.

In these days and during tragedies such as the Orlando shootings, let's kick fear to the curb, rather than kick one another and how about we let love win the day.

He takes what is used!

 

He takes what is used

masked and well hidden

binds every chord

and nail deeply drive.

stanza taken from "It was no mistake" by Paula Warkentin

 

 

What happens when we don't see the fruit of our faithful prayers?  When the loved ones we so desparately pray for, seem so distant and far off?  When our minds go to "whats the use anyway?'

 

Our hearts become cold and indifferent and its now easy to turn our blame toward God and insist that He just hasn't done it to our satisfaction nor our liking.  Why is it so difficult?  Why isn't God answering?  WHY GOD WHY?

 

To be honest, I don't have the answer.  I'd like to think that no one has the answer, or at least not a pat answer to make someone who is in the place feel better.  I ponder this though, because I see prayers not answered all the time, or at least not the way we want them answered. 

 

God in his sovereignty is in control of everything.  He is the most powerful Creator that has ever existed and who will ever exist...for all eternity.  If we believe this, we can also believe that because of his sovereignty that everything passes through his hands.  Be it the good, bad and ugly.  Does it mean he is indifferent or uncaring?  Does it mean that he turns his eyes when bad things happen or when people make choices that are not the best ones to make? 

 

We all are a product of the fall.  We are born into sin.  So right from the beginning that is our inherent struggle.  Not so that we can make light of sin or blame something or someone else, but rather it's important to understand that to some degree, this is our human heritage.  Our flesh wages war with the spirit.  We do the things we don't want to do and we don't do the things we want to do.  Simple yet so complex in many ways.

 

Couple this with the cultural influences and the spirits and authorities that also wage war on our souls, we are fighting a bigger fight than maybe we even realize.  We fight this war in our own lives and for those we pray and fast for.  When our prayers seemingly do not go answered, the enemy can have a party with our mind and heart.  Bringing doubts that nothing is happening, that we are ineffective, that there must be something wrong with us, that God is silent and disinterested in our prayers or our loved one.  Our hearts can grow bitter, cold, angry toward God.

 

In reality...GOD IS NOT SILENT.  Everything passes through God's hands and so everything is purposeful...even the bad, horrible things that happen.  If he knows the number of stars, the amount of hair on our heads.  If he imagined us even before our parents ever did, do you not think he cares?  He is a just God who allows us to walk in the freedom of choice and free will, not wanting us to be robots or puppets in his hand, he gives us that freedom with hopes that when we reach maturity that we are sold out for his purposes in our lives and we serve him whole heartedly for the rest of our lives. 

 

Sound idealistic?  Euphoric even?  Maybe too good to be true?  For many of us, we struggle with emotioanal and relational deficits in our lives that  cause us to grow up with deep needs still unmet.  If we are not given the opportunity for God to come in and heal and fill those areas we will fill them ourselves.  With many things that are good for us, and many things that aren't.  If God isn't the center of that deficit, we miss the mark.    It's not so much that God is silent, rather we have taken our neediness into our own hands, numbing our emotions so that we have a very hard time hearing God and that still small voice speaking to us.

 

I can look at the many ways I silenced that voice in my life, the voice of my heavenly Father calling me, speaking to me, telling me truth about who I was as his son and my value and worth to him.  Rather than listen, I listened to myself, I listened to the enemy of my soul, the one who comes to kill and destroy, the one who prowls around like a hungry lion, waiting for someone to devour.  I got eaten, chewed up, and spit out...but I wasn't dead?  I felt dead, I acted dead, but I wasn't.  God was still speaking...and many people continued to pray...long and hard for me, not giving up, even though they may have felt like it.  I eventually heard his voice and he is now cleaning me up from years of yuck, grim and lies that were fed to me and ones I believed.

 

I continue to pray for friends, family and even those to whom I have never met who are caught up in identities and actions that are far from the best for them.  Who have been lied to, cheated, and robbed, not by God, but rather by an enemy who hates them.  I pray without ceasing and long for the day when one, two, three...and many more come to know who they truly are, loved sons and daughters of the most high King, the creator of everything.  That they know that nothing has been wasted and that God will and does use everything the enemy meant for harm...for HIS GOOD and for HIS GLORY.

 

Let's remember to keep praying, to keep fasting and keep believing God's promises are true, that He does answer prayer and that through Jesus, He does redeem lives.

 

James 5:16 (NLT)

Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed.  The earnest prayer of a righteous person has great power and produces wonderful results.