Sabbath Rest - New Life

"...for the display of His Splendor."

Those 6 words are profound. Let's sit with them for awhile.  Think of your life, the way you were raised, trained up and how you perceive life and meaning.  

We make decisions each and every day to bring levels of splendor into our lives.  Be it the quest for the 'Western Dream' of prosperity, a life of ease, indulgence, fascinations with the best things in life, we are always seeking after something of majesty, something of brilliance. We can also seek after the splendor of things that ease our burden or pain.  Addictions to drugs, alcohol, gambling, gossip/idle talk, sex, money/greed (this list is not exhaustive) and if we are honest, these things are on display in our lives which point to a deep heart issue that we all face. How do I escape or how do I build my own kingdom? We have a deep fear of missing out. (FOMO is real) 

What if we stopped and did a re-set?  What would it mean to slow down and stop rushing from one thing to another and took time to be present with what our hands are doing, or where our feet are taking us?  What if we resisted building our own display of our kingdom come? 

What if we re-connected with who made us?  A creator God who didn't just cause cells to divide by accident or evolution, but purposefully created us to seek after His Splendor.  To desire for his splendor to be on display, rather than ours.  When I think of that action, I get a deep sense of rest, and the ability to take deep breathes and to come back to realize that all the good/work I seek to do can be ordered in a way that takes away people's vision of me, and put it on Jesus who sought to save me from my own doing. 

"...for the display of His Splendor!" 

Rest, sabbath rest, intentionally stopping and focusing on the real purposes of life, happiness and goodness in the land of the living with an eternal perspective of human flourishing.  Can we attain this? Rejecting the lies of the culture around us that tries to dictate to us how we shall live, rather than drinking and eating from the source of the divine, God with us, Emmanuel?  

This is my prayer as I move throughout 2025.  To resist rushing, to resist my kingdom and to seek first the one who gives me breath.  Care to join?

Give Me Cake

 

Today, I got thinking of cake.  This weekend I decided to make some banana cake that my neighbor makes which is totally delicious.  By far it is the best banana cake I have ever had.  I felt strange asking her for the recipe because the cake is that good.  Sometimes when its that good people don't want to share or it almost feels sacred!

But, she shared.  As I looked at the recipe and got all the ingredients out, I realized that I was missing vanilla.  Oh no! It won't taste the same without that.  I knew that I was going to be sharing the cake with my neighbor so I hoped that I wouldn't bomb at making it. Again, there is this sacredness to a recipe that I felt a bit worried about. What would she think?  

I looked in the cupboard and found that I had just enough almond extract and so I shifted the recipe ever so slightly and included that instead of vanilla.  As the cake baked, I made the icing and again, I veered off ever so slightly from the recipe.  When I took the cake out, I sampled it and I have to admit, it was pretty darn amazing.  After it cooled, I iced it and tried another piece...okay...that was it, I had taken a recipe that was already so good and made a few twists and it came out just different enough for it to be a stand alone recipe from the original.  It was really good.

Why am I sharing this experience?  

About a month ago, I was asking the Lord to answer my hearts cry to be renewed in an area of my life that I felt was in need of rejuvenation.  Sometimes in life, we get comfortable, and I had gotten that way since this whole pandemic started. Even to the point that I was unsure that I wanted to even be in ministry anymore.  This felt too difficult and I was tired.  Maybe leave all this stuff to others and just let me be.  Yet, inside I knew that this was a fleshly response and so I began to cry out for a revival.  REVIVE ME GOD.  

Less than a week later someone asked if they could come and meet and just read scripture, sing or pray together. I was game.

They came and sat down in the corner of my office and began to read the account of Elijah running away from Jezebel.  (1 Kings 19)

Elijah was afraid and he ran for his life.  He cries out to the Lord, "It is enough; now, O Lord, take away my life, for I am no better than my fathers." Then he lays down and sleeps under a broom tree.  There an angel touched him and said, "Arise and eat". There Elijah looked and saw a cake baked on hot stones and a jar of water. He ate and lay down again. Then he falls asleep again. Again the Angel touched him and said, "Arise and eat, for the journey is too great for you." So Elijah did what was told him.  He eat and drank and then went in the strength of that for 40 days and 40 nights. 

It goes on to say that Elijah came to a cave and dwelt within. The world of the Lord came to him and asked him what he was doing and Elijah proclaimed that He has been very jealous for the Lord, the God of hosts and that all the people of Israel had forgotten your covenant, and thrown down altars, killed prophets and here he is the only one left, and they are after him to take his life.  

The Lord's response? Go out and stand on the mount before the Lord and there was a strong wind, an earthquake, a fire...and the Lord was not in that...but there came a still small voice, a whisper...and Elijah covered his face.

Afterwards God told Elijah what to do and he obeyed.  

As this scripture was being read, I knew the Holy Spirit was speaking to me.  What I heard was a still small voice...which spoke: "Fear Not, your new response to every thing that you will ever face in life is fear not."

All I could do was weep.  Not with tears of sorrow or grief, but tears of joy.  The Lord was asking me to eat some cake, the cake of His Words which were coming to sustain me and send me forth into ministry and his kingdom work.  This felt like a new anointing.  A new charge and I received it.  It felt very similar to the words spoke to me 18 year ago when I heard God say "You don't have to go back to Egypt" and my life took a dramatic shift as I surrendered everything to follow Him.

So, it seems that I am surrendering again.  I'm asking the Lord to feed me in a new way, and my response is Lord, give me cake!  This new cake is slightly different and I need it for this season, to live a life of godliness and a life surrendered to you.  All for your kingdom and your glory. Come Holy Spirit Come.

Check That Anger

Have you ever felt like your life is going from one explosion to another?  Feelings of isolation, disconnection, aloneness, insecurities, fear and pain from past failures or hurts done to you.

Left unchecked our emotions, leave us vulnerable to emotional/physical explosions, which not only affect us personally but those around us, our families, friends, work colleagues and neighbors. These explosions come in varying forms, and we cope with it in varying ways.

Let's look at anger. 

Now, anger is not entirely bad.  It's a mechanism to help us discover that we may need to unpack deeper emotions.  Experiencing anger can be yelling or constantly getting frustrated with someone or something. You can respond to others by ignoring them, answering them in short curt ways, using sarcasm, snide or degrading comments. The word of God tells us that what comes out of our mouth is what is coming from our heart. Our heart is what we think. It is the place where we store up all of our experiences (good and bad)

Luke 6:45 is sobering words for us; "A good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and an evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For the mouth speaks what the heart is full of."

and Proverbs 4:23 which says, 'Guard your heart with all diligence, for from it flows springs of life.'

Given these verses, how do we do this? How can we experience a new response other than anger?  It's allowing the Holy Spirit to reveal to you, your heart.  'Search me Lord, see if there is any wicked way in me and lead me to understanding!' Maybe fast for awhile, or remove entertainment, social media, shopping, drinking or whatever you feel like you are turning to, to find comfort. Maybe that is even in relationships if you find your meaning and purpose from others. Listening to the Lord in your quiet place and then allow him to minister healing to the underlying pain or sin that he wants to address.

One of the areas in my life that comes up every once in awhile are my own disappointments in life choices. Truth be told, when I face a situation that reminds me of past failures, or when I don't have a solution to a problem, emotions can come to the surface such as pain, shame and self pity and this begins to paralyze me. I'm reminded of the bullying, broken boundaries, and the sense that I often felt like I lacked more instructions on what I needed to face as an adult. (at the time I had no language to seek help) This caused me to walk in a false sense of independence. Trying to figure out life and all its complexities, with an attitude of  'you can't tell me what to do'. But under all of that is still someone who needs encouragement and guidance.

The best response in all of this is to surrender. To hand over all the disappointments over to Jesus which is a catalyst to healing. Giving Jesus our past poor choices and allowing ourselves to grieve the reasons behind it and then move on is huge. I think that’s the art of forgiveness. Where you forgive others and also forgive yourself, you choose to no longer shame yourself into apathy or self deprecation, which just cripples oneself to moving on toward the prize set before us and lose sight of the good still all around you.

If you find yourself wondering about your explosions, anger, or how you are responding to others, seek out someone to pray with you. Someone who will listen with you to the voice of Jesus who forgives all your sin, who offers you hope even in the face of uncertainty, peace in the midst of turmoil, joy even in your pain and an opportunity to encounter his eternal love that he has for you, each and every day.

Posture in the Storm

It's been a long time since I've written on this blog.  Life has a way of grabbing hold of more of my attention and I lacked the desire and fortitude to journal.  This blog is in essence a platform to publicly journal and that was the why in creating it.  I've learned so much in the course of almost 20 years or blogging and journaling in the secret place.  

Most of the learning in this format is to know what to share, how much and is my perspective clear, right or honorable.  I've made terrible mistakes in writing and presenting my story, and those are mistakes I cannot take back but learn from.  Thankfully, there is grace in this place, to own the mistakes and move on accordingly.

One of the most significant things I am learning is that our battle is not one of flesh and blood...but rather a spiritual one that takes precision and being fully awake to comprehend what is happening.  One of the greatest things I believe God is showing me is my response to the storms and trials of life.  The things that are seeking to take me off course.

Over the course of the last several years I have encountered storms of many kinds, which have impacted me on many levels.  Some of them have paralyzed me in grief and depression, while others have caused me to isolate in ways of entertainment and eating, rather than being emotionally present with acknowledging my need, and some have caused me to be unshaken, unfurled by the winds and waves and I see God in the midst of all of this.  A God who is full of grace and mercy and love, always there for me and always desiring that I turn to him first and foremost.

One of these storms has been walking with my wife who has a chronic illness.  I have to be honest, there have been many times I was unable to adequately support her.  I was helpless and had no clue how to 'fix this'.  Maybe that is a typical response for a man, but I wanted desperately for her to be well, for her to live a life of abundance and yet I saw my wife many times crumpled in pain, unable to get out of bed and my helplessness in this place.  

This was a storm and I was faced not so much with my wife's illness, but rather my response or lack of response.  In many ways I retreated to my fortress or a place of self preservation.  I'd like to say I was heroic in my care for her and she would say that I did the best I could and that I was a GREAT husband, and yes, I could get the job done, but God has been calling me to something more.  

Here it came down to what God wanted to do in me, not so much in my wife.  He wanted to attend to my inner man and he was calling me to pray.  Yet, I worked and did all the things I needed to support and care for not just her but our daughter and home.  I worked hard, but it seemed something was missing.  I stopped praying.  I would pray for certain things, but I didn't delve into the place of prayer for just the sake of being with God, and availing my heart to him, so that he would attend to my heart.

I'd like to say that years later, my prayer life has been forged in the fire of this storm, but truthfully, I am still in the maturing stage of what it means to look past the physical, what I can see with my eyes and actually war in the spiritual places and press in.  What I am learning in this place is that God is just asking me to show up. To show up in prayer both in a routine way, but also to pray without ceasing and to recognize that he is at work every second of my existence here on earth and that he has things he wants to accomplish and do when I pray.  I'm encouraged in this place that he hears every pray and the moment I begin to pray, activation starts.  

2 Corinthians 4:16-18

Therefore we do not lose heart.  Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.  For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we FIX our EYES not on what is seen, but on what is UNSEEN. For what is seen is temporary, but what is UNSEEN IS ETERNAL.

This reminds me that as I fix my eyes on the things of the spirit, the kingdom of God, that my momentary troubles...become lighter, less weightier because I know that my God is greater, mightier and more powerful than anything.  His love permeates into every aspect of a life surrendered, so rather than seeing only the human realities, focusing my eyes on the things of the kingdom, is achieving for me/us an eternal glory.  Wow that is good news, especially in all the things we face in this crazy world.  

Jesus, thank you that you have given us treasures from heaven, equipping us with your strength, power and peace. As we lay hold in greater measure the things of the spirit, your kingdom that has come, help us to walk in the knowledge that you have given us your mind (the mind of Christ), you are renewing our thinking, understanding so that we can walk as you did.  Help us to live in your love and may that love astound those around us, making them curious of your gospel message of good news. Amen

Orientation Crazy

There are so many voices, so many books and I couldn't be more happy and sad at the same time.  You see, never in my life have I seen or heard so many people talking at the table with regards to gender and sexuality.  It's in the news, on social media and most likely a topic that everyone of us will enter into with someone.

Maybe it's with a family member or friend who struggles with their sense of gender identity or sexuality and it could be with someone who doesn't struggle but fully embraces an orientation or identity within the LGBTQ descriptive.

I get it!  Having struggled with gender identity issues and unwanted same sex attraction, and then coming out gay identified, I get it.  I get the notion of needing and wanting to have a sense of congruence with how I felt in regards to my orientation.  I wanted to carry the card that said, "I AM GAY...and if I want to transition to a woman...that is my RIGHT! Just get over it already!"  I spent years trying to fit in with what I thought a heterosexual man was, and even more, what a Christian Heterosexual Man was supposed to be.  I tried not to show any signs of 'gayness!' or that I might secretly desire to be wearing women's clothes, and the more I tried to hide, the more I struggled to find normalcy.  I definitely wasn't living authentically or true to my 'feelings' but how was I supposed to live my life?

So eventually the hiding stopped and I came out.  GLORY BE, I WAS FREE!!  I could breathe, I could relate to others with similar stories and I could finally say..."This is how I was to be all along!" I lived like this for almost 8 years, with a strong sense of my orientation.  This is how I was created, this is how I was called to live my life.  I wasn't acting, or playing gay and I was no longer trying to act as a heterosexual man.

I was orientation CRAZY!

You couldn't tell me that I was anything else, because if God didn't eradicate the 'unwanted feelings' toward the same gender, then they should really be my authentic self.  Sigh of relief.  In my many circles of friendships this was often the mantra.  We didn't 'talk' about why we might feel this way, we just always said 'this is who we are'.
Then God did a funny thing.  Well, it wasn't necessarily funny, but it was life changing for me.  He spoke to me! In a moment when I was at a crossroads, I allowed myself to 'crack' just a little...I asked him for help and he spoke clearly.  He didn't say in a booming voice, "Thou Shall Not be GAY, Thou Shall Not be Transgendered!"  He said, "You don't have to go back to Egypt!"

What resonated was my orientation.  I knew God was saying I don't have to be gay identified, nor transgender identified nor heterosexual identified!  I knew God was saying; "Kenn,  your orientation is me!  PERIOD!"  The joy of the Lord in that moment was my strength, it filled me completely and was probably overflowing all over the place.  I would love to see that moment from above...what did I look like?  Was I glowing?  All I knew is that it felt like scales falling off my eyes and I could see clearly and know that this was HUGE!

I became crazy about orienting my vision and my identity in Jesus, allowing the Holy Spirit to reveal more and more of Jesus, who in relationship with me, revealed my heavenly father who had always wanted my gaze to be on HIM ONLY.  Not on my life, my own sense of orientation, my desires etc.  He was saying "Come follow me!"  Will you lay down everything to follow me?"  Absolutely!

I knew as well that my journey would be hard.  It wouldn't be easy to swim upstream.  When I laid down the gay orientation label, it was by far, way easier in culture to be gay identified. What was I thinking?  Couldn't I just be a gay celibate Christian?

The temptation was there, yet it now felt in-congruent with who God was saying I was.  I was a new creation, created for his glory.  I was slowly being transformed more and more into who he had created me to be and that was toward his Holiness.

So, my orientation shifted and so did my language.  All things were being made new and this is good news.  Culture dictates and even many Christian's say: to be authentic with how one thinks and feels is critically important. To life healthy is to not deny your 'orientation'.  Yet, one can authentically say, this is how I feel, this is what I desire, Jesus help me in the journey and point me to my heavenly Father whose love is so radical and sweet...so much so that I'm compelled to lay down my life and find it in Christ, and in the body of Christ.  Relevancy is not in becoming more and more like culture, but rather more and more like Christ, who denied himself and took up the cross to set us free, to live fully present, fully aware within the body of Christ.

I write this because this story is not uncommon.  Thousands of men and women share a similar story and we are part of the make up of a diverse society.  A society that would like to say, our voice is not to be heard.  That we are 'acting' rather than 'being' authentically ourselves and yet we can honestly say, "Who the Son sets free is free indeed!" 

I'm a nobody...and so much more

Nobody wants to be a nobody.

Seriously, if you think about it for a moment, you have an innate desire to be 'somebody' or 'something'.

"What do you want to be when you grow up?"  For the longest time my daughter wanted to be a vet.  That changed when she realized she didn't like blood...and she might have to do stuff that is really gross!  Then she wanted to be a teacher.  This is slowly changing and the other day she said she wanted to work at a spa!  Oh, my precious one!  I hope one day she comes to the place of realizing that she is a nobody, created to be a somebody.

Here's the thing.  This morning while I was at a city wide prayer meeting I saw all our titles being thrown to the ground.  All our duties, job descriptions, the ways 'we' describe ourselves and the deficits that we still live with and all of it was rubbish and thrown out and what was left was just abiding in Jesus, and living in the empowerment of the Holy Spirit, knowing the affections of our Heavenly Father.

Here in this place of total surrender, nothing hinders us.  We can no longer say... "I can't serve because...I can't do that because...I'm not strong enough because...I'm too weak because...I don't know enough yet because...I'm not qualified, because..."

The moment we said yes and amen to Jesus' work of salvation/gospel message and we've been baptized, we are a 'new creation, created to do His good deeds that he has established for us to do...long before we even said...YES!

So nothing else matters.

I continue to struggle with the residuals of being gay identified, and authentically walk out my same gender attractions, and have done great work in the whole area of searching my heart, asking Jesus to heal and restore many deficits, and yet what remains is the residuals of sin...but I can't use any of that to stop me from doing what HE calls me to do, which is to be the Spiritual Head of my home, to love and call forth my wife and child and to make disciples of all nations.  That means, fear, insecurities, esteem issues, identity issues, deficits...all take second place to trusting God with what he tells me to do, and the submission of all authority in the empowerment of the Holy Spirit, who equips me with all wisdom and knowledge to do what pleases God.  Not out of duty or to check something off a list but to really do it out of a love relationship that come from abiding in him and being obedient.

So today, I cried out to him for more...that he would continue to form and create in me a new person, the old has gone the new has come...and I told him, I'm scared...but I won't back down to what HE wants to do, because it isn't about me, I'm a nobody, created to be a somebody, to further His kingdom here on earth as it is in heaven.

Today, if you feel like you are stuck in fear, insecurities, and maybe a list of "I can't...or...I'm scared!" That is the best place to start, in acknowledging your need of the Holy Spirit, Jesus and God.
Call out to him while He is near, and He will show you the way to go...and do what pleases him.

Psalms 1-5
Proverbs 1

Filled With Joy

Psalm 28:7 The Lord is my strength and shield. I trust him with all my heart. He helps me, and my heart is filled with joy. I burst out in songs of thanksgiving. I’ve been thinking about this thing called Joy for quite some time. It’s been a long season of trying to figure out happiness versus joy. You see, for most of my life happiness was my goal. How I felt was important and it weighed heavily on my day to day activities and how I viewed myself as a person. I would seek out things that would illicit happiness. This could be material items, a scenic place to take photos, an intimate connection with someone, and though I would feel some emotion, the happy feeling would soon vanish and all I was left with was a material item, or a memory of a connection with someone, and a dark cloud over my head. Troubles mounted in my life like a pent-up volcano and it ended up erupting. There had to be more to life than what I was pursuing? How could I be content in emotional happiness and what was this thing called joy? This brought me to a place of connection with God my Father who lovingly began to show me my value and his power in my weak emotional state. He began to show me that I could trust him with all my heart and He would help me through this journey. Yet it felt like I was in a valley of misery. Early on in my faith journey I read Psalm 18:7 and I thought, ‘it’s rather difficult to burst out in songs of thanksgiving when you are in a valley of trouble’ and yet what I began to see is that this is the place our songs need to sing out louder than ever. Sure, some of my troubles began to vanish, but I still had struggles. I faced unimaginable pain in losing children through miscarriage, my wife becoming quite sick from a chronic illness, and financial burdens weighing me down. The realities of life began to feel more like a Job existence. So, I sat in the midst of all the realities of life and began to breathe deeply and gave thanks. It started small like a child singing a nursery song for the first time and it grew to a quartet, then a chamber choir until finally my thanksgiving was like a full ensemble. An orchestra with a majestic choir. Songs of thanksgiving come from being aware of every moment and second of your life. Being mindful of the breath that I take which reminds me that God has given me this exact moment to live and allow Him to be glorified in and through my life. Listening carefully to my neighbour and enjoying who they are is being thankful that God created us all in unique and wonderful ways and to celebrate this by bearing with one another’s differences in love. Calling out to God for help when the going get’s tough and knowing that His help will come in His perfect timing and His help often looks completely different than what I would have thought or imagined. This posture of giving thanks isn’t always easy. Sometimes the full ensemble can diminish and become like that child again, just learning to sing, but at least there is a song. The difficult experiences that we may face as we live our lives as believers is always the place where God wants to show up and be God. It is in these experiences where not only do we see God, but others see his manifest glory. Give thanks to the Lord for he is good, his love endures forever. The Lord is our strength and shield. We can trust him with all our hearts. He helps us, and our heart are filled with joy. So today, let us stop, look and listen to the Lord who gives us breath and burst out into songs of thanksgiving.

Tunnel Vision

My wife and I are in the midst of clearing house.  Its amazing how in 9 years of marriage you can accumulate so much 'stuff'; paper, knick knacks and journals.  We have so many journals, some full and some half started.  This morning I was going through my work journal/to do list book and I came across notes I wrote as I reflected on my driving.  These thoughts came to me as I began viewing how I drive our car and I began to slow down to 'see' others.  What I encountered was frantic people, with tunnel vision.  I had been so preoccupied with where I was going that I lost sight of others, making me a dangerous and unkind driver.  I found that we can take this attitude into ever part of our lives and can be consumed by it.

I was thinking about the human condition of 'self' and how this plays out in our every day lives.  I think this concept is something that isn't necessarily new (what is now a days!)
but still applicable and necessary for us to evaluate on an ongoing basis.

We talk about LOVE, ACCEPTANCE, DIVERSITY but let's look at the fundamental belief that 'I am here on earth to get what I need and deserve!'  

There is this Christian worship song called 'Jesus, lover of my soul' by Paul Oakley.  It's a great song and I love it.  One day as I was singing it, I changed the words to the verse to better fit how we often live out our life.

verse
It's all about me, Jesus
and all this is for me
for my glory and my fame
It's not about you
as if you should do things your way
I alone am God and I don't surrender
to your ways

If we think closely to this verse and how these words speak to our spirit, we can most likely shout out an ouch...that hurts.  Is it really all about me?

Now before you jump all over me with excuses and thoughts on surrender and 'life is to be lived to the fullest', hear me out.

If I truly evaluate my life and examine my thoughts and I keep in mind the statement; 'I am here on earth to get what I need and deserve!'
This will cause me to see life with tunnel vision, narrowing my sight to just me, myself and I.  Our narrow vision may include others from time to time, but deep down, a questions continue to nag at the very depth of our soul: "Who am I? and What am I getting out of life?"

I think of many men that I know who have left their wives or their wives have left them because they came out identified with being 'gay or lesbian' or they left their spouse because they 'fell out of love, or never loved at all' or they found 'love someplace else'.  It's tunnel vision.
We bought into the notion that self actualization, self worth is more important than commitment, respect, honor, love, integrity, hard work, faithfulness, self control, goodness...kind of similar to the fruits of the spirit! We make excuses and tell others what we want them to know which is actually just appeasing our own neediness and brokenness, because we don't want to feel pain.  I get that.  I lived it for years...and if I am honest, I still wrestle with it. 

When I came out gay identified, it was about me!  It wasn't about others.  It was me, realizing that I had to live true to myself.  It was I in the garden, the serpent handing me the fruit saying "Did God actually say that?  He wouldn't hold good back from you, would he?"  I bought into a cultural definition of worth and identity because it felt right and good.  It didn't take into account those who loved me, or people who would be hurt by my 'self actualization'.  I was applauded by society, and yet I left a trail of pain behind me as I plowed off in my own direction.  I was a relatively good guy to boot. I hated injustice (I still do) People liked me, I liked people and I tried to treat others fair.  Yet, life was about me!  I viewed success as how I would prevail and rise above and get more money.  I was busy getting!

I met a great friend in the midst of all of this 'life of self' who challenged me by the ways she lived her life.  To this day, I don't think I have met anyone who is like her.  She challenged me to see others, to value others and to give generously.  We were co-workers at a school and we began to pay things forward (before it was even popular!)  Kindness; how could we be kind?  How could we lighten someone's day?  We tried secret pals, we created events like goody days that went all out in blessing others, and who knows the impact it had on others, but it did something to me.  It began to change how I saw people.  It slowed me down, because I needed to be intentional.

Now as a believer, I have come to realize even more, that life is not about me...and I still wrestle with that.  I still battle my own will when it comes to my interaction with my wife, my daughter, friends and those around me.  I'd love to say that I have laid down all my selfishness at the cross and live totally free of that.  Hardly.  There are still decisions that I mindlessly make that are fully equated to what I get out of it, rather than asking the question: "God, will you direct my decision making so you are glorified and others benefit?" 

This note that I found this morning, came at a good time as I reflect on getting rid of clutter, as I choose to allow God to continue to direct my steps and as I seek to do His perfect will and not live out of my own broken will.

Galatians 5:22-24 (The Message)

But what happens when we live God’s way? He brings gifts into our lives, much the same way that fruit appears in an orchard—things like affection for others, exuberance about life, serenity. We develop a willingness to stick with things, a sense of compassion in the heart, and a conviction that a basic holiness permeates things and people. We find ourselves involved in loyal commitments, not needing to force our way in life, able to marshal and direct our energies wisely.
Legalism is helpless in bringing this about; it only gets in the way. Among those who belong to Christ, everything connected with getting our own way and mindlessly responding to what everyone else calls necessities is killed off for good—crucified.

Exodus Part 1

Exodus shuts down

Part I

(previously published in the Christian Courier)

On June 20, when Exodus International announced its closure at the Annual Freedom Conference, it was big news. Many editorials, blog posts and news articles have been written about the closure and about the apology that Alan Chambers extended toward those who have been hurt by the ministry of Exodus International (see Christian Courier, July 8). I've deliberately taken time to process this before writing about it myself. I was the Canadian Exodus Regional Representative. I am grateful that there have been no media requests in regards to that role, and sense that to be the Lord's hand of protection over myself and my family.

Before I comment on the closure of Exodus, I need to bring context to my experience with the organization. 

In 2005, God encountered me. It was life-changing. He met me, a gay-identified man, while I was going through a tough transition. I feebly cried out to God to help me and he gave me a choice to leave my Egypt. Would I go through the wilderness to the promised land, or continue on in the life I had made for myself? I chose to follow God, and with a joy that I had not experienced before, I chose to walk away from identifying myself as a gay man and to trust that God would meet my every need.

Many people couldn't understand my decision; being gay had been my liberation, which I proudly waved around for all to see. But when I encountered God, who asked me to live differently, I proudly waved his banner over my life instead. I chose to be transparent about my journey with same sex attraction, knowing that life wasn't necessarily going to be easy or free of struggles -- rather, that I would face my sinful humanness for the rest of my life.

I attended my first Exodus Conference in 2005 in North Carolina. It impacted my life! I heard testimonies of people walking the journey of sanctification. I attended workshops where I learned how to live a disciplined life and how to honour God with my sexuality. At no time did I perceive or interpret that I would ever be free of this struggle. Yet I fully recognize that each individual interprets and perceives things differently, due in part to their own journey and where they are at in their lives. God had already told me that life in the wilderness wasn't going to be easy, but I had this joy and peace that transcended my own understanding.

Extended family

I met other men and women who shared their own experiences and it encouraged my faith. I was reminded of Scriptures that speak of always encouraging and spurring one another on toward the finish line. It was clear God had placed people into my life to do that, for which I am forever grateful.

Worship was probably the biggest highlight for me. I wrote in my journal that I had experienced hundreds of desperate people, who recognized their desperate need of Jesus! Worship came out of this place and it was powerful. Why? Because people were taking their eyes off themselves to worship the one true God.

I spent the next eight years attending both the Exodus International Freedom Conferences and the Exodus Regional Conferences. I always left encouraged, built up, strengthened and fed! For the most part, these conferences gave me a BOOST! I was already knit together with a local church community: I was known by others and was working in full time ministry. But these conferences gave me the ability to talk with others in similar ministry, serve attendees through prayer and encouragement -- they were like my extended family. They were like those family members who fully “get” you, even if you don't see them all the time.

Some attendees were not “known” in their local communities, and so these conferences gave them the ability to be known in a safe environment where they too could be encouraged and supported.

I think, fundamentally speaking, the breakdown of effectiveness begins when local churches or church families send people away to receive ministry. When members have to go outside of their own community to deal with the messiness of life, regardless of the issues they face, because the local community isn't equipped to walk closely with those seeking help, that's not ideal.

I know hundreds of people who struggle with same gender attraction. Yet, sadly, I only know a handful of people who attended an Exodus Freedom Conference without having struggled themselves with same gender issues. Those who did attend are the people who know what it means to become a safe place for others. They know mess and welcome it, even if they don't fully know how to minister effectively. What they learned is that they too need Jesus desperately to meet them as they walk with others.

When Exodus International closed, some people grieved; others rejoiced. Regardless of your perspective, I am thankful for the role that the Exodus Freedom Conferences played in my life. I received a spiritual booster shot, which equipped me to go home to what can be a dry and weary land.

Love Others - Fulfill the Law

Romans 13:8-10 stood out to me today as I was reading.

Let no debt remain outstanding, except the continuing debt to love one another, for he who loves his fellow man has fulfilled the law.  The commandments, "Do not commit adultery," "Do not murder," "Do not steal," and whatever other commandment there may be, are summed up in this one rule: "Love your neighbor as yourself."  Therefore love is the fulfillment of the law.

Prior to these verses Paul talks about submission to Authorities, Unbelief, Future Glory, God's Sovereignty, Dead to sin, alive in Christ, Marriage, Sin, Slaves, Faith, Peace, Joy, Faithfulness -God's...and much more.

There's a lot packed into the book of Romans but these verses stood out and what grabbed my attention are the words; "for he who loves his fellow man has fulfilled the law" and; "whatever other commandment there may be, are summed up in this one rule: Love your neighbor as yourself."

It seems to me that we can distort these words to say, it's okay, just love one another.  That my behavior really doesn't matter, or shouldn't matter to you.  If we just say, Love your neighbor as yourself and don't go into more detail we missed the boat! 

How I read the word of God this morning was through the lens of what I do affects those around me.  My actions are not just specifically mine.  When I chose Jesus as Lord of my life, I gave him full deed to my being.  Not just a part here or there, but every part.  I'm in the process of a spiritual renovation so to speak, and one that will continue until I see Jesus face to face.  Jesus bought and paid for a run down, used up home, with a pink with gold speckled back splash, a leaky roof, a leaky foundation, probably some ant infestation, old windows, poor insulation, a broken fence (boundary) and the list goes on!  Slowly in time, He beings to renovate.  One area at a time.  Sure He can probably tear down the whole house, but he chooses to renovate the way He needs to and the way I need him to. He respects me, and in this place I think He commands me to live well.

If I love Him, love myself and love my neighbor, I will realize that to commit adultery, murder, steal, or whatever 'other' commandment there is means that I am not living in love.  When I view my actions as just my own, I am living a life not pleasing to God, nor others or myself.  I am not walking in love.

Culturally speaking, I have the right to be whoever I want to be.  My choice or decision is mine.  No one has the right to speak against this decision.  If you do, its a violation of my human right.  Or is it?

The culture around us has set up some rules, some boundary lines for us in the laws they have set up.  These are good.  But why are people breaking them?  Maybe because it's all about us?  It's my life!

Law is set for our good and the good of others.  If we didn't have it humans would be left with their broken vices and that is a scary thought.  Yet in the midst of set laws we push the boundary lines, blur the edges to see how much I can get away with.  Maybe I won't be caught!

Let's use speeding as an example because this causes a bit of stir whenever I talk about it.  We have laws of speed control for reasons of safety.  Yet, this is usually one of the areas we want to break or give excuses to break;  "Everyone else is doing it," "There aren't any police enforcing this area," "I always do it," "I'm a safe driver."  Until we get caught.  Then we grumble, complain, and spout out our anger at the law set for us for our good and the good of others.  What happens when we speed, cause an accident and maybe kill someone else? 

Using this example, we see that we thought of ourselves.  We weren't acting in love, rather we in our selfishness decided that it was all about us.  We weren't concerned about others or the ramification of our decision and choice on another person.  To really love my neighbor would mean, I see past my own "feeling," "my right" and see that they have more value than me. 

So today, as you live for JUST TODAY...how can you set down your own rights, your own feelings, and think of others.  Think of how you can behave in a way that takes the focus off you...and on to another person.  In doing so the fulfillment of the law happens.  When you begin to love others, you begin to follow the law.  Jesus came not to destroy the law but to fulfill it.  As we walk in obedience, denying ourselves and taking up the cross and loving others, we live in accordance to the boundaries set for us. 

Feelings vs Truth...Who's in your corner?

Hebrews 3:12-13

Be careful...make sure that your own hearts are not evil and unbelieving, turning you away from the living God.  You must warn each other every day, while its still "today", so that none of you will be deceived by sin and hardened against God.  (NLT)

Do you have someone in your life who speaks truth?  Who encourages and spurs you toward Christ and His likeness?  Who cares for you and in doing so speaks into areas in your life where they see could use some encouragement or work?  Who will walk with you in your journey of faith?

I think of our need for community and the need to have others spur us onward toward the completion of the race set before us.

Jeremiah 17:9 reads "The human heart is the most deceitful of all things, and desperately wicked. Who really knows how bad it is?"

Proverbs 28:26 reads  "Those who trust in themselves (heart) are fools, but those who walk in wisdom are kept safe."

Wisdom is the word of God...the living, breathing, relevant word of God which is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow.  It is our bread and our sustenance and we can't live without it.  When we base our motives on our heart feelings, we can easily be strayed off course and onto paths which may feel good, but are far from the best for us and lead us to destruction.

I listened to my heart once and began to base my identity on how I felt, rather than the word of God.  I began silencing out solid, mature believers and trusted my heart feelings!  This led me to the path of identifying myself as a gay man who believed because I felt this way my, my sexuality was set and I controlled it.

How many of us make decisions based on the sole merit of our feelings?  When I proposed to my wife I had definite feelings for her or I wouldn't have married her.  But I also knew that God was calling me to marry her and that I had total peace as I knew this was ordained by Him.    Do my feelings change on a day to day basis as I live out married life?  You bet.  Some days it's easy to love well and to get along and we find our groove!  But there are days when it's slugging through difficult communication, misinterpretations, sleep deprivation, and child rearing.  In those times, I need to know that I have a solid foundation of covenant, commitment, perseverance, faith and I find that these are wise pieces of truths that I find in the word of God and go beyond a feeling.  It's a mindset of being committed regardless of how I feel.

I need Jesus desperately everyday to walk this out and I need my family the body of Christ to do this as well.  I need trusted brothers and sisters to speak truth to me if they see me dabbling in things I shouldn't.  I need these broken vessels to encourage me and spur me toward the goal set before me.  When I begin to veer off the path...who's there to help me?  If I have no one, I will merrily go this way and that.

So whose in your corner?  Who knows you and your heart and your life?  Who has authority to speak truth in love to you, even if it makes you boil inside, yet you know it's truth?  Who are you submitted to?

Find a good person, not a perfect person (because there isn't one), to be that person who will challenge you and who you can challenge, and thank God for them.  Pray that God brings people into your life who won't just allow you to feel good, but will challenge your 'feelings' and spur you toward holiness and the race set before you.  It's not easy and each one of us can be easily strayed by appeasing things that tug at our heart.

  

Bill 18 Anti-WHAT?

Today, news hit when a large evangelical church in a relatively conservative town was covered in the Winnipeg Free Press.  I hadn't had the opportunity to read the article yet, but I already had a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach.  When I did read it, it confirmed the sinking feeling.

Having worked for the last 7 years in a ministry which seeks to be a safe and confidential place for those dealing with relational and sexual issues including gender issues, this article didn't sit well with me.

Let me begin by saying that Bill 18 is flawed.  There are many parts of the Bill that will only propagate bullying and in its segregated statements it will only facilitate an us vs them state of mind.  As I read the Bill I wonder about a huge segment of kids left to in the fray of a specific agenda...

...the disabled kid...the fat kid...skinny kid...acne prone kid...the geek...the nerd...the jock...the cheerleader...the slut...the virgin...the fag...the dyke...the fairy...the bucktoothed beaver...the Christian...the Sikh...the atheist...the black...the white...the native...the Asian...and the list goes one!

The Bill is flawed when it comes to 90% of the population who in their own right have a right not to be bullied.  I love groups, especially ones that provide a safe and respectful environment, but this bill has only identified one specific issue...the gay one!  If we can get a handle on this one which is the most prevalent then we've done good....right?  Okay...lets just stop right here for a minute or two.

From the age of 11...bullying began.  I was called every name in the book...tossed around in school...every day (yes every day) until I was 17 I was subjected to ridicule and harassment.  Even some teachers took their insecurities out on me...only to further push me further into a mess of confusion.  Was the school safe for me?  NO.  But neither was the community.  I had a few good friends, but for the most part growing up in small town Manitoba (hockey haven), I didn't fit the mold.  I rubbed up against the insecurity of those around me.  Running the water in the sink with the razor in my hand shocked me and I couldn't do it.  Holding the pills in my hand wanting desperately to pop them and just go to sleep...shook me awake.  Things changed when I switched schools and went to a private one in grade 12...or did they?

Kids were still picked on...having had traumatic experiences of bullying, I could well see subtle and blatant bullying...social standing vs poverty, jock vs geek, but it was subtle and yet still damaging to both the bully and the victim.  Most kids who are bullied also bully!

Even after high school, moving back to my home town, I remember kids chasing me in a vehicle, taunting me, yelling obscenities...why?  Because I was different and they couldn't deal with their insecurity...and most likely they too were bullied!

Years later I came out and proclaimed my gay identity as my right and I was adamant that no one would hurt me, ridicule me or do this to others, regarding their gender, sexuality or for any matter.  I worked for 20 years in the daycare and school system and fought hard to do my part to stop bullying.  I jumped on the EGALE bandwagon and began to see a focus that wasn't healthy.  Sure, this segment of the population needs a safe place...but so does every kid!  Regardless of who or what they are.

Then because of my faith, I chose to not identify myself as gay and sought to understand the complexities of my gender and sexuality, surprisingly I faced bullying again.  Subtle bullying as well as blatant.  I was now taunted and ridiculed by those to whom I fought for!  The ones that were bullied were now bullying me.  Saying I was hateful, a bigot and a liar.  I was slandered and run through the mud.  Even though I have a differing view, I also view everyone's decision to live their life...just that...THEIRS.  Does it affect me?  Sometimes, but I am called to be Christ's hands and feet.  I am called to love my neighbor and we find our commonality in our human-ness a need to feel safe and respected.  When this isn't felt, insecurities and projections and anger rise it's ugly head!

I wonder...ARE YOU GETTING IT?  Do you see a bigger picture in this?  I do!

I see that this Bill 18 is not the answer.  The bigger picture is..."Are our children safe?"  When I sit back and think about that...I don't think they are.  None of us can be there fully for our children 24/7.  They are at risk everywhere they go.  We as parents need to be intentional in EVERYTHING we do.  We need to be involved and not passive as we parent our children.  Who is raising our children?  TV, VIDEO GAMES, TEACHERS, DAY CARES, GOVERNMENT?  We need to be talking with our kids about differences and how in the midst of even our own fears and the complexities of life

Even though Bill 18 is flawed and not the answer, the reality is that there is something much bigger going on.  Is the answer fighting?
Is the answer apathy?

I think people on both sides of this Bill need to see a BIGGER picture of the necessity of keeping ALL children safe from bullying.  Being respectful of a very diverse world with which we live in.

Part of this process is realizing that for years the 'church' has been relatively silent.  Only rising up when something comes close to causing discomfort and uneasiness, but in the silence they have lost their voice of influence.  If you want influence and the ability to speak out about a certain subject, it's walking in the very area you want to be influential.  It's being that safe and respectful place.  It's seeking out wisdom and understanding, it's speaking and being proactive on education and not keeping your head in the sand, hoping the issue will just go away.

When we want to proclaim truth...we need to marry that with the grace extended to us...showing the mercy of Jesus.

Fathered?

Fathered?

I was reminded today, the importance of a fathers heart toward his children! The legacy of a good father is providing them with attention, affirmation, affection, endurance, humility, respect, mercy and most of all love. 

Being rooted and grounded in this...it allows us to do much good in the communities around us.  When we know how to Father rightly, we can also extend a fathers heart to the fatherless.  Today I listened as a well know advocate for social justice was honored by those to whom he was known to.  Colleagues, Officiates, Pastors and family members.  A common thread was that you either loved him or you hated him.  

It was difficult for many reasons to sit and listen to the Eulogies.  I won't go into great detail, it's hard to listen to humanitarian accolades when at the foundation everything is flawed.  

I truly believe that the BEST form of social justice, humanitarian activism comes from having a deep awareness of a Father's/Mother's heart.  (You can have this even if you have never physically raised a biological family) This begins by making peace with your past.  If you can't stand up and confront your past, you will never walk free in the future, which takes guts, courage, honesty, integrity, respect, confession and forgiveness (and many other attributes).  It means that you look back, you recognize the lack and you move in a different direction.  Not pretending it ever happened or make light of it...but rather, in honesty look it in the face and make peace with God, your self and others.

If this never happens, you continue the cycles those previous generations walked out before you.  Sure you could probably look like all is well, but at the end of the day...do you?  As you re-cycle the past instead of doing something different, you offer quite the challenge for those who are looking to you to leave a legacy or an inheritance (which is not about gold or silver).  We can do good works, we can make a difference, but when there is no foundation, these accomplishments through time will whither, die and be forgotten. 

For nearly 3 hours, I listened to all the GOOD this person has done and yet he missed the mark which saddened me greatly.  Life is but a vapor and he chose to fulfill worldly fame instead of looking at what really mattered...being a father. I listened to a different challenge today as I sat applauding the bravery of honesty by a son.  It was refreshing and truthful.   It took a son to speak truth that didn't cause merriment; rather it produced gasps and the shaking of heads.  Heads of those still stuck in the niceties of appearance, desperately hiding the past and present wounds, so not to appear ‘broken’ in any way, fearing the words of man, rather than fearing the words of God.

It caused me to take another look at my own experience.  It wasn't great in the early years.  I longed for affection, affirmation, attention and love, and if faced with the same experience these men were having 25 years ago, I might have replied with similar words, yet in the last 25 years, I have grown to understand my father, and truly love the man he is.  He isn't perfect, nor am I...no one is.  But one of the pivotal conversations I had with him was when he shared that with me his own reality.  That he knew he wasn't the best dad and he didn't sugar coat it, or make it appear differently.  He called it for what it was and he chose to do something different.  I have learned the value of hard work, to endure, to show affection, and the ability to affirm my daughter because of him.  He is generous to a fault and would give the shirt off his back for you.  He now openly shows affection.  It has allowed me to also walk free of walls of hiding and to be the man I am called to be.  My earthly father will still fail in comparison to my heavenly Father and I too will fail my daughter, yet it is God my Father, who fathers me in the lack.  He is my perfect Father.  This continual growing knowledge of the Father heart of God comes with my own submission and acceptance of Jesus as Savior.  If I know Jesus, I know the Father! 

Yet this funeral today rocked me to the core.  My father’s heart broke within me to see the longing and the empty eyes staring back at me as a son addressed the crowd.  Honest and transparent, yet alone and fragile, walls built up from years of broken promises and empty words, a vow "I will never be like him" and yet shockingly he became the very thing he hated.  I know that full well. 

The experience enlarged my heart for the fatherless, those to whom their fathers are still living, but are emotionally, physically, relationally and spiritually distant.  I saw numerous men and women at the funeral with hearts breaking due to their own lack of being fathered.  It breaks my heart.  

It's time we rise up and speak a different type of social justice awareness, that it really does matter the legacy and foundation that we lay as a father or mother.  But this will take a concerted step toward honesty and courage to bring things into the light, to address and talk instead of hiding behind walls, or through activism. When we've wronged someone, we make it right.  When we haven't made amends or peace, can we even in all integrity stand for social justice and the rights of the down trodden when we have neglected the very ones to whom have been put in our care?  The masks need to come down, the veneers stripped away...the pretense thrown in the garbage...and true men and women calling out for their sons and daughters to come home.  It will take brave and courageous fathers and mothers to lead the way, who aren't afraid of words spoken behind the back, rather more afraid of the God who judges both the living and the dead.

May the Lord be merciful...and kind!  Slow to anger and rich in love.

New Shoes

New Shoes - previously published in Christian Courier

The Lord spoke a profound word to me this past month, through a very innocent act done by my 2 ½ year old.  As I was getting ready to go out for a meeting my daughter brought me a pair of shoes.  She proudly carried them to my feet and promptly put them down right in front of me and said, “Daddy’s shoes?”

I looked down and didn’t see my shoes but the shoes of my wife.  Red wedges, definitely not mine.  Phoebe waited there patiently for me to put them on.  I told her that these shoes would not fit Daddy and that they weren’t mine but that they were Mommy’s.  She didn’t move.  I showed her as I slipped my bare feet into them that my feet were too big.  My toes fit, but my heels hung a good 3 inches off the back.  She stood smiling as I showed her that these were not a good fit.  Sure, I could walk in them and get around in them but they were not mine. 

I took them off, put them in the closet and grabbed my shoes and put them on, showing her that they fit my feet perfectly and that these were in fact Daddy’s shoes.  Little did Phoebe or I know the significance of her innocent action or what God would again remind me of later that week?  I left it at that and went to my meeting not thinking twice about those shoes or Phoebe’s insistence that those red wedges were Daddy’s. 

That week in Church I was playing the piano for the worship team and as we were singing I got a picture of those red wedges and my feet in them.  I was taken back a bit and kept playing but then felt the Lord say to me that He has given me new shoes, ones that fit my feet perfectly and that in these shoes I could stand upright, strong, a man capable of being a husband, father, brother and son.  I was reminded of the time when I used to wear shoes like that.  When my masculinity was so broken and my identity marred due to circumstances in my childhood.  I had always secretly hoped that I could eventually become a woman.  I was reminded of the times I used to wear my mom’s shoes, pretending to be just like her.  I wished that I could wear shoes like that without shame or fear of being ridiculed and called names.  I had always felt odd in my skin, in my gender and even though at the time I was comfortable being gay, my secret longing was that I could eventually have gender reassignment surgery and that would be the final answer for this empty feeling inside. 

God met me in a profound way which stopped that process from ever happening.  My masculinity and sense of gender healed through submitting my life over to God and for him to set things in order so that I could stand secure in whom I was clearly designed to be.  I am grateful to God as I look at my life and all that He has done and blessed me with.  To know that without him my life could have looked very different than what it is today.

Those shoes reminded me of my past, but the greater reminder was God saying that he has given me new shoes, a new identity, one that he had intended from the beginning when he knit me together in my mother’s womb.  These new shoes fit and the other ones never did.  No matter what I could do those red wedges would always be shoes that would never quite match the DNA of my feet.  I felt like God was speaking this as a reminder to me but also to all of us.  I walked many years in the wrong shoes, even though God had something better for me, but he has the same gift for all of us.  He calls each one of us to take off the shoes that don’t fit and allow Him to fit us with those perfect fitting shoes.  New shoes, ready for us to walk in the fullness of who we were created to be all along.  Are you ready to take off your shoes?  Because God, your Father who knew you before anyone else did is ready to fit you with ones that fit you perfectly.

Trans....ition!

Gender identity can be very complex and complicated. Each persons who struggles with their gender identity is unique and precious in Jesus' eyes. He looks at the heart and not so much the outer appearance.

How many times do we base all our assumptions just on the outward and have no clue as to what it happening on the inside? Sometimes we may think, "oh...if __________ just got their life together, everything would be great. If they could just look and act like everyone else...you know...not be so out of place!"

I wonder a lot about how we welcome people into our lives, families and the body of Christ. I wonder how we welcome those who just don't quite fit our definitions or even our conveniences. It got me thinking of when I was gay identified.

When I came out at 30...it shocked a lot of people. Mostly because my journey was pretty isolated to my own self. I didn't let a lot of people in to see my internal struggles. Recently God has been healing my own perceptions of gender distortions. For years, I secretly longed to be a female. This began in my early years (probably around the age of 5 or 6). I didn't at that time pronounce that I wanted to be a girl, I just felt out of place and awkward in my body. I didn't want to be a boy...and I saw all these girls that played with dolls, dressed up and I liked that. I wished I could do all of that, so I began interpreting that "I was a mistake, that I wasn't like other boys and that I should have been a girl." Now, if I was affirmed as a boy (that masculinity is really caring for others...being gentle to dolls, and creative...dressing up) maybe with the help of good interpretation of my recording that distortion may not have happened. So internally I struggled with my sense of gender. Secretly dressing up in my mother/sisters clothes and when no one was around, I bound myself, wore make up and tried to look convincing. Early on...I certainly did. I prided myself in looking like a girl. I didn't have a word for this longing or desire. I found out later through the internet and through Television that this was "trangender". It kinda fit for me. Maybe this was why I was attracted to the same sex. Maybe it was because I was born in the wrong body...that God really did make a mistake, that somehow my DNA and hormones were screwed up. This was a birth defect!!!

But the idea of talking about this with my family, with those around me (small town) was totally unacceptable. I resigned deep within me that maybe someday I would transition. So in secret, I dressed up. Until I came out as gay identified, I began playing with make up, dressing up and eventually would go out in public on Halloween or other occasions dressed as a woman...always in the safety of the fact that it was now deemed "drag". I over exaggerated the "look" of being a female. I was pretty convincing on a few occasions. I went so far as to even ask my partner if I ever did want to transition would he be okay with it. Surprisingly he was.

So deep down, there was always this longing to transition. Some of the things that stopped me was the extensive surgery, the apparent need for plastic surgery to make my face more feminine (softer lines, smaller nose, removing the adam's apple, electrolysis, implants and the necessary removal of my genitalia. Even though growing up I hated my anatomy, I couldn't think of that. Maybe internally it meant that I would no longer be able to father a child (naturally). I know that I thought a lot about it and it sometimes consumed me with fantasy and dreams and hopes of a different life as a woman.

Today, I was reminded of God's saving grace and mercy. How almost 7 years ago, He showed me a bigger picture and began restoring my broken gender identity. My identity as a male and my security in my body is almost 180 degrees different. There are days when the residuals of my past creep in, old thought patterns and thinking try to overwhelm me. When I see men who on the outside appear stronger more capable more confidant than me and the insecurities try to consume me, I remind myself that I am a good gift right where I am at. That in my own mess, God is the one who continual cleans and affirms me. It is His voice that is the one of acceptance and worth.

My life is not perfect, I don't have it all together, I sometimes act quite different than those around me, sometimes I am awkward in social settings and say or do things others wouldn't. I am reminded all the time that I am not out of place. Jesus welcomes me to the foot of the cross and there standing beside me is other children of God. The seemingly "put together pastor", the drunkard, the prostitute, the orphan, the widow, the mother, sister, brother, father, co-worker, neighbor, teenager, gay, lesbian, transgender, two spirited, queer, adulterer, liar, thief, gossiper, those who envy, covet, idolators, the rich, the poor. The list goes on.

At the cross we lay down our broken lives and hope is put into us. Extravagant mercy is extended to us. With that extravagance is this amazing gift of grace and truth. Truth to who we are created to be. Truth of the glorious inheritance that we have and importance of our gender and sexual identities.

Psalm 50...reads well of this beautiful grace and mercy as well as discipline and hope. It ends with "But giving thanks is a sacrifice that truly honors me. If you keep to my path, I will reveal to you the salvation of God."

Lord Jesus...I give you thanks for opening my eyes, giving me new vision to see the importance of my gender. How you created me is no mistake, I honor my body as your creation. I am thankful that I didn't put it into the hands of others nor distorted and changed it to be something else. Jesus, I plead that you would meet each of us where we are at, would you give new sight. Bring a revelation of your mercy and love and pour out true understanding to your children...and those not yet your children. Bring clarity to our sense of gender and sexual identities...that are not based on others views, but of yours. Amen

Authenticity in the journey

I've pretty much come to the conclusion that writing comments on other people's blogs and maybe even entering into dialogue with them via the stream of online communication, apart from video calls, could possibly be deemed useless. I think it can work, but you really need to be careful with clarification and asking questions, to further dialogue and get a better understanding of what is being said. Terminology and wording is subjective...and can be misconstrued.

So much is being written about sexual identity...authenticity and some of it is very insensitive. I am to some degree quite frankly saddened by some of the misconceptions that are out there, and things that are being written regarding some of the responses and attitudes.

I am pretty authentic in my faith and my journey of who I am as a sexual male. I have great friends who I LOVE, who understand me, accept me and validate who I am. But my ultimate validation, love and acceptance comes from God...and not others. It is God who affirms me and calls me out of the wilderness and it was God who called me out of my captivity. For me, that captivity was the deception that being gay (and the use of that descriptive word was just that...a way I described myself, just as I would the color of my eyes, my height, my likes, dislikes, to me it was unchangeable)was okay. I had bought into the belief that I just needed to accept the fact that God made me gay...created me that way and I needed to get past the guilt and shame I felt as a christian.

For me...reconciling the two never worked. I chose being gay. That didn't mean I never tried. I did. I tried affirming congregations. I tried groups, but to me, there was something missing. I never felt a depth or an authenticity in those gatherings and it just felt like a political, or social justice meeting. Every time we met, we addressed the issues surrounding something about being lgbt defined as it pertained to policies...politics...and social justice meetings etc. I realized that in a lot of ways, I went from one extreme to another. It was disheartening and disenchanting. So, I privately prayed...but mostly, just lived life. I went to work, paid my taxes, lived with my partner, traveled, and pretty much did what other couples did.

but...having not addressed some key issues in my life, reconciling faithfulness wasn't in my reality but neither was that for a lot of my friends...and I will say that was true for my straight friends and my lgbt friends.
I was mostly happy. I had a good life.

So in the midst of all of this...why...if God so loved me as a gay man...why would he audibly call me out of that description and into something different? It doesn't make sense.
Some people would justify that...oh...then you weren't gay to begin with...or you didn't hear God? Or for you...being gay wasn't your true orientation.
The same people would justify saying that because I still struggle with same sex attraction...that I am lying and that I am not being authentic, that I am depressed, that I don't know who I am and in so, can't authentically minister to others. That my true orientation is gay...and I should label myself as gay and that I am now in a mixed orientation marriage.
Sounds like a lot of critique...right?

We need to be honest as to where we are at...reality! What is our reality? We need to be authentic in this...we also need to be authentic in the fact that we no longer live...Jesus Christ now lives in us. This doesn't mean we "lose ourselves" or our sense of "being", it actually is a "coming into the fullness of who we are as a gift to those around us". It is truly knowing ourselves and the complexities of understanding who we are...as God's created ones. He designed and predestined us all...and desires each of us to come to the knowledge of just how much HE loves us. That is really exciting if you ask me. It isn't a doom and gloom message of give this up...take away that, but in reality, recognizing all the stuff in my life matters, but not so much as to follow Christ. He asks us to come "follow him" to give up much, but not to lose who we are...HIS!

My reality is that I still face same sex attraction from time to time. It isn't as intense. I have learned a lot about ssa and it isn't this huge defining thing in my life. I don't condemn those whose journey is different than mine, or how it looks for them, but for me, I have experienced Jesus healing many factors surrounding ssa.

I also realize that this isn't something that defines me and that doesn't make me non authentic. I am honest with it and with others...but I am much more than this and I have a whole pile of stuff that God is dealing with in me...things that he wants to touch and heal and restore. I have also come to realize that our sexuality, is very important to God. The things God created is important and we have a thief that comes to kill and destroy and my personal belief is that this thief comes to distort and deceive and that is part of living in a sinful and fallen world.

Today...I kinda feel like venting. To just get things out of my head. It's late though and I have a full day tomorrow.

Pray for us, as we continue to seek God and His heart for his children.

a side - b side = forgiveness

Oh there is this buzz in the air...a hum of activity. People reading, searching out blogs that have any reference to the latest Gay Christian Network Conference recently held in Orlando.

The comments have been flying as to why the President of Exodus was asked to be on the panel discussion. This has raised a lot of concern on both what people term side a and b.

I was sent the audio of the panel to listen to. I spent a couple of hours digesting what was said, the feelings that came across as I listened and then afterwards let it rest for a while as the thoughts began to "percolate" around my mind. A few days later, I began reading responses and comments from various people.

I won't expound on any one person, as there is just too many people writing on this event. (I do want to remind readers and I have to remind myself as well, that we can get caught up in various arenas of thought and expressions that we lose sight of getting out there and serving. There are many people in need and we are called to cloth, feed, comfort and take care of people...so lets do it)

I came away from listening and reading with a couple of thoughts.

For me, I had some serious trauma growing up. If we study brain science (Dr. Karl Lehman is doing some great work in this field) we can see that many people have some form of trauma in their lives (trauma can be described as some form of event that caused us to record/interpret an event falsely due to varying factors (this usually happens in childhood), it can be from not receiving legitimate emotional or basic things, and it can also be severe abusive experiences, emotional, spiritual, physical or sexual).
For myself, it was many of those factors, which caused me to begin to interpret all the things that I saw and experienced around me. To an outsider, we all looked pretty normal but on the inside, I was pretty messed up.

What I am getting at here...is that we will walk in relationships, talk to people out of our experiences in life. We can hold on to deep wounds...we can use that to whip or hurl anger at another person, we can hold on to unforgiveness while holding a placard up saying...we deserve an apology!! All of this within the body of Christ.

For myself, I've had to lay a lot down. I have had to continually walk out forgiving others...and letting go. Sometimes, in my humanness, I pick it back up, carry it again, but it becomes toxic and I am reminded...oh ya, this stinks. So back I go again, forgiving.

A few thoughts flew around as I listened.
1. Does culture owe me an apology for saying to me "once gay always gay?"
2. Does culture owe me an apology for saying to me "you're just lying to yourself"?
3. Does culture owe me an apology for saying to me "you're in a mixed orientation marriage"?
4. Does culture owe me?

When I broke up with my gay partner (because our relationship had fallen apart) and then met the Lord who drew me out of a gay identity paradigm...calling me to walk authentically in my faith...and then my ex partner took me to the cleaners and ultimately, I was left with almost nothing financially...DOES HE OWE ME?

WHO OWES ME? When I think about all the hurt and the unforgiveness that I listen to and hear, I think...no one owes us anything...but rather...we owe Jesus... EVERYTHING!
This isn't to just pat people on the back and tell them to get over their pain. On the contrary...it is saying...your pain is important and Jesus is able to carry it and allow you to let it go and to not carry it again. Because it becomes smelly and stinky and you become the very thing you can't forgive.

No ones life is free from pain or sorrow, some type of grief or wounding. When we hold on to unforgiveness...we begin to tell...yell...proclaim that the other person needs to STOP, the other person needs to pay...the other person is horrible. We begin to paint a picture with broad strokes putting everyone who may be associated with that person on the same canvas. If I can be so bold as to say, this is true for those on SIDE A and SIDE B. (and I kinda hate that whole side a and b descriptive...or the us vs them)

Another thought that came was "we are all human...and to human is to fall short and hurt others...we will do that...it's inevitable! But to offer grace and mercy to others is a great blessing, something that we don't do well, when entitlement and unforgiveness is holding us hostage."

I've also been described as being in a mixed orientation marriage...the fact that I am still same sex attracted, but married to a woman...who also was at one point same sex attracted (who by the way...isn't anymore), this descriptive isn't fair nor correct. I would rather say it as I am in a mixed gender marriage...I am a man, married to a woman. My orientation...is no longer defined by my sex drive. My orientation is now defined by my creator, and in him, I am a new creation, the old has passed away. That is one reason I no longer hold the descriptive that I am gay. That isn't who I am anymore. I mean no disrespect, but I stand on scripture and who I am called.

In the end...we have all been wounded...and we have all wounded. None of us is perfect, and none of us will be perfect. What we do with that is up to us. We can continue to carry our placard...pounding our fists...or we can lay down the stink...and get on with it. Forgiveness begins with a simple statement, and then a lifelong journey to continually lay it down at the cross.

So side a...and side b...it's all up to you! What are you doing to do?

Gender and Sexuality...is it really that important?

I have had several emails from those who read my last column “Born this way? CC August 22, 2011), and I want to thank all my readers for taking the time to consider the words that I put together. This column dealt with social issues, focusing primarily on same gender attraction and the church.

To some, this issue may be something we “just don’t talk about,” while to others there may be an attitude of “what’s the big deal, it really isn’t much different than someone dealing with heterosexual lust issues.” I believe that our gender and sexual identities are very important not just for us, but to God and how he designed us. Culturally speaking, we live in a hostile climate. My mom, who has spoken along side my wife and I at various settings, states that there is a “climate change” that is happening and she’s not talking about the environment. Rather, she’s talking about a change in how the church and society views gender and identity. Some church communities are slowly becoming an affirming place for those who are gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgendered, and by doing so are encouraging these people to continue walking in their broken state rather than offering the hope of restoration through Jesus Christ.

Gender and sexual identities are important. I believe that God formed us and made us male and female, and that he created us to be this way for a reason. Specifically, he did this so that we could bear his image to the world around us as we walk in whole and holy relationships with the opposite sex. What we are seeing is a distortion of gender, a confusion regarding sexual identity and an embrace of a fallen, broken state. The enemy of God loves this. The enemy of God (Satan, Devil or whatever name you call him), wants to wipe God off the face of the earth. He will do whatever he can to accomplish this. This is a bold claim, but I believe that one of the last frontiers that the enemy has is our gender and our sexuality. Abortion has been going on for years, killing innocent babies. Babies that God knew, created and had plans for. The enemy continues to have his hand in the whole area of abortion, but that isn’t enough. If he can distort the image of God in any way, then he has done his job.

Someone who read my last column asked me “Really, what is so different about same gender strugglers?” For myself, I came to the place of realizing that my unwanted same sex attraction was no different than a heterosexual man dealing with lust (other than
the object of our lust). The root issues for me were very similar. I struggled with shame, insecurity, low self esteem, control and anger. When these core issues are triggered it caused me to seek comfort in the arms of another man. Often when these core issues are triggered for a heterosexual man dealing with sexual addiction, it causes them to seek comfort in the arms of a woman.

It’s important to realize though that those who struggle with unwanted same sex attraction come from varied background and experiences, and that the issue is very complex. It isn’t just a pat answer that will help the struggler. The person who struggles has often spent years in silence, often fearing a negative response from those in their community, specifically within the body of Christ. How we respond and how we love is very important to those who struggle with gender and sexual identity issues. If what I believe is true regarding the enemy destroying God’s image by distorting gender, then the body of Christ needs to rise to be a different voice, a voice of hope and restoration. It needs to rise to it’s place as a community of grace and truth. Affirming and bringing people into the healing presence of Jesus Christ is crucial. Loving people and being truthful about our own broken places will hopefully allow others to realize that the body of Christ is a safe place to seek out the restoration of God’s intended purpose for our gender and sexual identities. This is a huge issue we are facing. One that won’t “just go away,” but is at the very heart of a God whose image depends on how we walk out our gender and sexuality.

Thoughts on Lady Gaga's Guest Editor Stint for the Metro

Let your identity be your idol…oh I mean religion.

Lady Gaga’s image appeared front and center on the cover of the Metro news in Winnipeg. Born This Way the caption printed under the image of Stefani (real name) a cross hanging from a dog collar around her neck, dressed in a two piece black number with rhinestones hanging from her breasts. Flashbacks to Madonna come to play in my mind as I look at her image. Who is Lady Gaga? In her one hour interview with Michael Freidson she gives snippets of the reality in her life…or is it fantasy. In regards to her Born This Way album, she states, “The most paramount theme on the record for me struggling to understand how I can exist as myself, as someone who lives halfway between fantasy and reality all the time.” This could well paint a good picture of the now 25 year old who continues to paint a very peculiar picture of herself in media and to her “little monsters…her fans”. She wants to change the world.

Funny thing is, the world has bought into another entertainer who by rights saw a void in the whole area of sensationalism and has used that to gain momentum and this is not uncommon nor is it new. Each generation needs or longs for a new sensationalist who grabs there attention and does things that bend and twist the norm, to validate and affirm things within them.

I believe we are all born with an innate void that needs to be filled. If we think theologically, we are all born into sin. We have a predisposition to be rebellious in nature and live to please ourselves rather than submit ourselves and our human nature to our creator God. As Gaga’s interview goes on, she states that she was “taught her whole life about Judas and Jesus and Mary Magdalene.” She goes on to say that Mary Magdalene fascinates her, as she believes that Mary is both “wholly human and wholly divine”. She then asks herself, “how can I be fully magical and fully human?”

I believe we are to come to the place of understanding how we are “Born This Way”, not in the ways we define ourselves, nor allow others to define us, but to recognize the area within us that longs for acceptance, affirmation, love, which in it’s fullness will not be filled until we meet our saviour Jesus Christ and our Creator God. We will in our humanness grapple with identity, self worth, wholeness, acceptance, love and the list could go on, while we are here on the earth.

Gaga goes on to repeat herself over and over again, that her passion is social justice and music. She says she probably should go to therapy and goes on to say that she is in tune with herself. That at the end of the day she has to look in the mirror and be proud of everything she stands for. She says she doesn’t party very much, nor is she seen falling out of nightclubs…yet, she is still a sensationalist. Would Lady Gaga be who she is, if she doesn’t wear a meat dress, nor dress provocatively in an already sex crazed society? In a recent show on TV, she was described as a positive role model for young girls. I had to laugh a bit at that, but took serious note as to that statement. Would I want my daughter to look at her as a role model, dressed the way she does? Would I want my daughter to dress like that? Would I want my son to come home with a woman dressed like that?

I don’t want image to be the only impression, yet it plays a part in the image and role that she plays in our culture. Lady Gaga, doesn’t work with men who are dealing with sex addiction, yet she is a role model for sex addiction. She says social justice is very important to her, yet as a role model what negative roles does she play? Our society of young people are buying into her sensationalistic mentality and running with it.

If Lady Gaga would clear away the outfits, the sexualized images and provocative statements, the makeup (essentially, everything that has imprinted her as Mother Monster) and just sang and worked on social justice issues could she do it? Could she see a bigger picture of what and who she is in the world around her, rather than the Monster image portrayed by her? My heart breaks for her, as I see a young woman desperate for attention, longing to know what real love truly is, even if she can’t see it. As much as she is a sensationalist and a poor role model, my prayer is that she knows the incomparable love of her heavenly Father who calls her to something more, something greater than what she can imagine.

The May 17th issue of Winnipeg’s Metro was focused on the now “Born This Way” LGBTQ campaign. Throughout the paper well known gay and lesbian media representatives answered the question, “What advice would you give your 15-year old self, knowing now what you didn’t know then.”

What surprised me as to the whole theme of the paper was the idea of wanting humanity to find togetherness and in Lady Gaga’s words “We are all different and it is that which makes us the same.”

Is my existence which is different than the cultural expectation of me (someone who was once gay identified, who would still say I struggle with same gender attraction to some degree) acceptable and welcomed, understood and embraced?

Is the message welcomed that if you are in conflict with your same sex attraction, specifically in regards to your faith, that you can seek out wholeness, seek out healing, and an understanding to why you may feel this way, rather than taking on the immediate labels LGBTQ or “Born This Way”? Is that immediately deemed abusive, repressive, homophobic if you decide to uncover why you think or feel this way and decide to find another way to define yourself.

Having struggled with my sense of gender identity for years before I came out at age 30 and then at age 38 decided to look at the root causes of my gender distortion and confusion after an encounter with my creator God, I came to realize that I am so much more than “the struggle” and I see a bigger picture of who I am and why I was created as a gendered being. I see my worth and my identity wrapped up in my understanding of who I am as a son of God. Fully loved, fully embraced and fully free to be the man God had from the beginning desired me to be. I walk upright and fully present to my weakness, my faults and vulnerabilities. My struggle is not a liability, nor does it hinder me to fully love myself, my wife or my daughter…and ultimately those around me.

My message to my 15 year old self if I had been asked the question:

Life gets better. It really does. You may not see it now, nor understand fully because of what you are struggling with and even the ability to understand it fully may not happen for a while, but know that the God who created all things, who knew you before your parents even did, has a plan and a purpose for your life. He didn’t create you gay, nor is He punishing you or causing this internal struggle with your gender. He does though have a bigger plan for your life, one that will BLOW you away. Learn to trust Him. Find some safe people to talk with, ones who will walk with you and listen. They don’t need to have all the answers, but they should walk you toward Christ. Be transparent. Be real. Don’t hide your struggle or your questions, but talk about it. There is no shame in struggling, there is no shame in who you are, unique, wonderful, amazingly talented, handsome, confident, a beautiful gift to those around you. You don’t need to try to be like other men around you, the ones you think you should be like, rather be you. Be who God made you with all the musical talent, creativity that comes from Him.

You are more than your struggle and you are way more than what the world would label you as. Don’t seek out idols, don’t let heterosexuality be your idol, don’t let homosexuality be your idol, don’t let the struggle be your idol. Worship the Lord. Worship Him with abandon. He longs for you to come and bring everything to Him.

He will make the journey ahead full of joy…but remember as you seek out holiness, that does not necessitate happiness (happiness is different than joy). Holiness comes with a cost, it is sacrificing your life, laying it down at the foot of the cross daily. That is hard. It is a sifting and a refining and the LORD JESUS CHRIST who made the ultimate sacrifice is right there with you. HE won’t give you more than you can bare.

Remember to love yourself, for in doing so, you can love others well. Be brave, be courageous and be bold in your faith and your transparency. I love ya!