Holiness...and unconditional love

This is in response to someone’s blog…talking about the sting of death

If I look back on my experiences within the Church community, especially as I first struggled with same gender attraction, I felt as if I was a leper, that I was actually untouchable. People could talk about anything else but my "struggle". I think if they had the courage to actually talk about homosexuality as not just the taboo sin, but just sin and had the courage to learn to engage a community to talk about the issues of homosexuality, things may have turned out differently for me as well as countless other men who I knew personally who also struggled with same gender attraction.

Having walked out this journey for over 20 years (struggled with ssa, then embraced a gay identity, and now having walked out of that identity), I feel for those who spoke out against homosexuality out of their limited knowledge of the struggle itself. Today, I do not feel angry or hurt because of my experiences, rather I feel deeply for any person who may have perceived hate from a message due to their own internal struggle with gender confusion. I also feel deeply toward pastors/leaders who spoke out against homosexuality not because they hated those who struggled with the issue, rather they loved them, and in their own way, tried to get the message out that God had something better for those struggling. I believe that no matter what the issue, most people have felt offended by God’s holy call on our lives as Christ Followers. When we struggle and feel as if a person just doesn’t understand us or the issue, do we internalize that as hate, take offense and then walk away justified? Or do we walk that out in a way pleasing to the Lord. Going to him with our hurt, allowing him to heal our wounds, but also going to the person who we felt offended by and working through a process of reconciliation and redemption.

When we hear someone speak and they talk about holiness and godly fear, so we see that as constraining or do we see that as good. Sometimes I sense that we have to throw away fear and holiness in order to justify certain behaviors, specifically in terms of theologically sound teaching. If I make a statement that linked homosexuality with Sodom and Gomorrah as God’s wrath toward the sin of homosexuality, I may experience hate mail, I would be pronounced a homophobe, and yet when I do more research and cross reference other scripture regarding Sodom and Gomorrah, I find that I have to make a stand and that comes from good sound theology. Jude 7 references the judgment to the sexual perversion of every kind and given the cultural milieu of that time, that would have included homosexuality. (note that I said included homosexuality…it linked all sexual sin).

For myself, I walk many years with the thinking that I was condemned to hell because of my struggle. I eventually had to walk away from my faith, because ultimately God hated me somehow. That he made a huge mistake with my life and really didn’t care for me. I hated the Sodom and Gomorrah linkage to any term of my struggle. I hated when others used that term. (To be honest it still makes me cringe when I hear someone just spew it out as a judgment statement when there is no explanation given).

Now I say this not as condemnation for those who are struggling with same gender issues, or even to those who are gay identified. I believe that God loves all people. Yet as we are enlightened and come to know our identity in God our Father through Jesus Christ, I believe God calls us into a higher standard of holiness and we should have a healthy fear of sin in our lives. For myself, I do not want to become complacent and comfortable with sin in my life. As Jesus felt deep inner rage (he actually uttered a response when he heard of Lazarus’ death) could we not feel that same feeling toward sin in our lives and the sin in the lives of others? If death is equated to sin throughout the bible could this parallel how Jesus felt toward sin/death? I have a close friend who is struggling with issues. I love him beyond compare. I have offered that he live with us, I have wept deeply for him and where he is at, because he is believing lies about himself, and to put it straight, he is caught in the grips of sin issues and he can’t see past that. I feel angry sometimes not at him, but at the enemy that wars at his soul, and enemy that is killing him. I would do anything for him. I see Jesus who did the same for Lazarus. He did the ultimate and raised him from the dead. Then he addressed the crowd to unbind him. Could this be a picture of rage against sin, calling someone to life and into the redeeming work of Jesus and then unbinding the person, ministering truth and love?

I wonder sometimes as we build bridges, how often we fear making a comment because someone may be offended. But in fearing making a statement, we are actually helping to keep someone in bondage to death.

For myself, I had people who walked the journey with me. Some understood the issues that I faced and some didn’t, yet they still walked with me. They still offered soothing balm to my wounds of death. There were men and women who in this journey out of a gay identity, spoke encouraging words, but also words that made me think. Words of challenge and sometimes they were hard words, especially when they saw me walking in a way that wasn’t life (when they saw me sinning). For me, my community challenged me to radical holiness. A holiness that feared the Lord of ALL creation and that fear was there because I knew the radical LOVE of my Papa God. The core gospel is unconditional love, God loves us despite ourselves. He unconditionally loves us because we were designed and created to worship Him and Him alone. He loves us because he knew us and imagined us even before we were even thought about here on earth. He knit us together, formed us in our mothers womb. Yes, it’s about unconditional love. What is the definition though of that unconditional love throughout the gospels?

As a daddy now, I see my daughter and I LOVE her with my whole being. If I saw her walking in danger I would tell her. I think I would probably shout it out, because I don’t want her to get hurt. She may not understand or she may feel as if I don’t love her, yet I do it because I love her. I have come to see God my Papa the same way. He loves me with a radical love, one that doesn’t always feel good, and yet he is the one calling me out. He is the one who shouts my name, because he doesn’t want me to get hurt. Our God of unconditional love disciplines us out of that radical love. Only because Jesus went to the place designed for our sin…which was death!

So maybe death is always supposed to be close to us, and maybe it’s something we should fear not just for ourselves but for others. I think we may have a greater sense of the physical death, but do we really understand death to the degree we should as Christ Followers? Do we understand the depths of the unconditional, radical love of God? An understanding so rich in love that we can’t help but fear the Lord, and speak boldly of His call of holiness on our lives.

Are we willing?

The other day my wife and I were talking about gender identity and how to support those who continue to connect with us.

A statement that we often hear is “I do not feel safe to talk about my struggle at my Church” or “they don’t understand my issue”.

Interestingly enough those statements resounded in my own heart as comments that I had used years earlier in my struggle with same gender attraction. I hide within the confines of those statements in fear that I would be rejected and tossed out of the Church, or worse, that those in the Church would just ignore me. Sadly, my experience was one of just ignoring the issue. I did talk about it and explain to my pastors that this is what I was dealing with. They referred me to a counselor and then not another word was spoken regarding my struggle. No one asked how I was doing or journeyed through the hard stuff with me.

For years, I held that against the Church. How could they reject me in such a way, shun me with silence. The very thing that I needed to talk about was held in the quiet confines of “he appears to be doing better”, “the counselor will handle this situation”. I began viewing the whole body of Christ through that experience. That the Church would not get this issue, nor would they be willing to walk with me or anyone else in a redemptive way.

I have walked in a season of forgiveness. Both for those who rejected me, but also for my own sinful responses. After my wife and I talked, I sat and meditated on how the Lord has moved in my life and redeemed my sexual identity. I meditated on Jesus. How he was rejected and I felt as if the Lord was giving me new statements to think about.

For those struggling with same gender attraction who are afraid of the reactions from those in the Church, are you willing to be open regardless of what people will say or do? Are you willing to talk, even if you are faced with a brick wall of a non response? Are you afraid that you will be rejected?

Maybe I should say, are you WILLING to be rejected? Are you willing to be misunderstood? Are you willing to press on despite what others will say?

I felt as if I heard Christ say that he was willing to be misunderstood, rejected and he pressed on despite what others said about him. Often times I have heard and I have even shared how I felt as if no one understands the struggle I face and yet Christ knew it first hand. He felt everything that I felt. Why did he feel the same things? He felt it so that I would know that he understands me, even when the world doesn’t. He did it all for me, for us. As Christ hung from the cross he spoke, “My God, My God, why have you forsaken me?” Was Christ saying this so that we could better grasp that even he felt forsaken? Did Christ feel alone on the cross, did he experience silence from God his father? How often in my journey with same gender attraction did I feel as if God was silent? When I prayed for him to take away the desires and nothing happened and I felt forsaken, yet God was intimately listening and speaking to me, I just didn’t understand his voice. Even as Christ felt forsaken, he continued his journey on the cross. He was willing to not give in and conform to the cultural influences of his day.

As humans we can aspire to be Christ like (we will never be Christ), and emulate a life that is similar to how Christ lived and breathed. As we seek to be “Christ like” are we willing to not give in to the pressures to conform to the cultural definition of sexuality that says you’re just born this way and you cannot change? Will we believe the lie that Christ cannot redeem our sexual identity rather he embraces us as lesbian, gay, bi-sexual, transgendered people? Will you believe that Christ’s power is inefficient to do it? Or will you believe that in Christ, all things are possible for those who believe? Will you trust a Father who is willing to do whatever it takes to draw you unto himself, so that you would worship Him and Him alone?

Are you willing to press on despite those who do not understand? Who may reject you and say you are foolish and not being true to the real you? For as I see it, just as I was afraid to share about my struggle with same gender attraction while in the body of Christ, there are now people who are just as afraid to step back into the journey out of homosexuality because of what the world around them is saying. I believe the Lord is asking each individual if they are willing to take a step and see what he, the redeemer of all things can and will do, if we would only take the first step.