start again

God has been reminding me that it's always okay to just start again.

For most of my life, finishing something has been a challenge. Maybe not so much finishing something but maybe it is just the discipline to have routine and factor that in to my day to day life.

December is always a month that I begin to look back over the year and think..."what worked and what didn't".

One of the biggest things that I am finding is that having a child has turned my life topsy turvy. I knew it would change my life, but to this degree, I did not imagine. It seems that the last thing that I can manage is to read the word and pray. I get caught up in play, laundry, cleaning, laundry, cleaning...oh ya...and play!!!

Today, I realized that Phoebe (our daughter who is 2)just became Daddy's girl. For months, I have pinned for her to see "daddy" to run to "daddy", but she has needed the comfort of her mother...to secure her in love and now she is beginning to look to Daddy to affirm her in who she is.

So I sat down this morning to read the word. (starting a new schedule, as this has not been a good year for scheduling reading)
Who comes running up to me with her dolly's and is wanting to play? She looks at me with her big brown eyes and I stop and play. I engage her in play and then go back to reading and 5 minutes later...she comes with a book...and says "sing jingle bells?" and so we go to the piano and spend time singing together. She is a delight.

After I go back to read, she comes again. I put the reading aside and will do it later. What I have realized is that my time with the Lord is so important, and time with my daughter is important. I want and need to spend time with both. I also need to spend time with Paula and connect with her heart.

So I start again. I look at the ways things didn't go so well, maybe in my relating with the Lord and reading the word and having a more disciplined life. The ways I may have not sought out Paula's heart in the ways she needed. When I think of all the things that didn't work this past year, I know that I could easily get paralyzed in fear...but I need to turn that back to Jesus and know that there is always new beginnings, fresh starts. I am reminded of the Israelite's who started over many, many times. I am reminded that we have a merciful and loving God, who is with us, despite ourselves and our own failings.

Lord, help me to see my worth in you. Out of that understanding may I increasingly know that there is nothing that can separate your love for me. That I am your beloved child and I matter to you. That you do have a good plan for my life and the life of my family. Lord, I surrender my life to you, the longings yet fulfilled, the desires of my heart and the fear and worry of day to day life. May my eyes be fixed on you, rather that the circumstances around me. May, I live my life pleasing to you. Birth in my a new revelation of your love, a new passion for your word and discipline to set good routines for my life, so I can be a loving Husband and Father.

I love you Lord...

amen