Lately, I have been feeling like I am not handling life well. Grief has been one of those things that I just can't shake for the life of me. I'd like to say that I am handling it, that God is meeting me in the midst of it and yet, what my reality is, is totally different than what I had hoped it would be.
My mind is clouded with malaise. I simply am uninterested in things around me. That's a problem! Having a wife and a child who is nearly 3, life goes one and I need to be present and I need to be there for them. Sacrificing my own desires and serving them is crucial in the midst of my processing grief.
It's not easy, and again, I'd love to say that I am handling it perfectly. There are far too many times when I tune out in front of the TV, watching meaningless shows, losing myself in the food network or the house and garden shows. Maybe, even maybe I shouldn't be so hard on myself, and yet, I see it for what it is and that's tuning out. I know full well the steps to take, and yet feel paralyzed to take them. When I do take the steps, it feels like I am just going through the motions.
I handled this before. This sense of loss, but somehow this feels like the music has faded...and things have been stripped away. What is left feels overwhelming and it's affecting me in ways that are changing me. I know that grief changes a person. When you lose a child/children, the music stops! It didn't just fade away, but it stopped. Slowly in time, the music begins and your heart warms to the sound of the melodies. But when loss comes again, over and over, it challenges your heart to continue to beat with dreams and hope.
The music starts beating again and again, but slowly it starts to fade...and then you are faced with the reality of the dim melody, rather than the full orchestra, that once played before any loss every happened.
I guess that maybe this is the change that has happened in my life. Maybe this is the now realistic stanza in my life. I wonder if this gets better? Does it? Will I ever hear the full orchestra? Will my heart ever beat with the passion that it did before any such loss occurred? Maybe it beats again with passion, only the orchestra plays a different piece. One that is changed due to the loss, but one that is richer, has more complex depth to the pieces that played before.
I am thankful, believe me, I am thankful. Just as I stand in this place, sometimes not facing it well, I know full well that God is able to do exceedingly more than I can think. It's just...in this place I can't feel it. I know his truths, which are my foundation...the cornerstone, yet I'm just in a place where the music has faded...and things have been stripped away. In this place I feel that everything is a sacrifice...and that I hope is gift enough for Jesus. I love him beyond my feelings and beyond myself, even in this place.
4 comments:
Life is like music, there are so many different twists and turns.
From the growing intensity of a crescendo... and the dramatic flare in The Flight Of The Bumble Bee, to the mystery within Opera, to the quiet sombre melody that reaches vulnerable places of the heart. The richness of a musical interlude is most often experienced best within the context of the whole piece itself... is it art imitating life or life creating art? Either way it's experienced... the hope is in the much larger picture... the whole story... as life unfolds... let the music fade and beauty will rise from out of the ashes.
Oh Kenn! The pain and loss is so real right now. The music has been quiet and mournful to the point of not being able to hear it. If you listen, very closely it will begin with a weak and soft violin that quavers a little but then soon builds one viola by one bass....eventually swelling into the masterpiece orchestral moment when your heart heals and sours with the many notes.
Your heart will sing again. It is intermission where you are processing what has pierced your heart. Allow it time. It does get better. The music will rise again.
Praying for you all.
Marcy
I hope you are moving past this Kenny. If anyone can "stick to it" till they are in God's intended place for them, its you. I know all too well what its like to live in the midst of silence and darkness. So I am especially grieved that you are faced with this challenge. Take care and be blessed in this journey.
Unfortunately there are no words...or maybe not unfortunately. For all the issues we have with Job's friends they did do one thing right. They just sat...silent...for seven days with their friend. Sometimes that is what is needed, for a time.
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