A year ago in March, my life got a bit shaken up...well maybe I should say my brain did.
I had attended our Churches Men's retreat and during an extra long game of broomball, I had an extraordinary fall. It was during the shoot off to find out who the winner would be and I tried my best to whack that ball to get the win, but instead I wiped out and my ribs landed on the broom, which landed on the ice. I heard the crunch and I could barely breath. I slowly got up and it was an extremely painful night. I arrived home the next day in considerable pain and so I was told I should really go to emergency to get an xray, which I knew wouldn't really show anything and if it did, what could they really do anyway but tape my ribs.
While I was in the emergency room, I was eventually called in and the pain was so intense that the nurse gave me 2 percocet. I had never taken anything like that before and within 10 minutes I was experiencing some not so good side effects. I eventually felt like I was going to throw up and instead I passed out. Problem was, I couldn't lay down and so I was standing by the bed and I fell forward into an empty shelving unit.
When I woke up I was laying on the bed, incoherent. I had a terrible headache and my chest still hurt like crazy. Eventually they had taken the xrays of my chest and told me that I most likely had gotten a concussion from the fall. A few hours later they sent me home in a taxi.
Thinking back on this event, I am surprised at a number of things and could well have seen things go far worse. The bruising on my head was dramatic and so began the healing of the concussion. I didn't know what to expect, but I began to feel like my life was slowly turning inward. I would get frustrated by the little things, tiredness came on me in increasing ways, I could sleep and sleep, and when I did awake, I never felt rested. I began to notice personality changes and I didn't like it so much. I'd get frustrated quicker and my spacial environment needed to be just so. I am thankful for a wonderful woman like my wife, but she was also dealing with an auto-immune disease which began to affect her ability to walk. I wondered...Lord? What is wrong here? Are you trying to teach us something or grow our dependence on him in increasing ways?
We didn't talk much about these ailments. Maybe because our life has been very open to the world to see and this felt like something we could hold onto.
My wife got healed in a dramatic way and I continue to heal. The Dr is not sure where I will land in my healing or how long it will take. I still find it difficult to find a word while speaking, or a fog will come over me, feelings of being lightheaded...and dizziness make me want to stay in bed. I can tell most days when I wake up if it will be a good day, bad day or one that is just not as productive as I had wanted.
But in this place I have grown in my dependence on God. He truly is my source and my place I have got to run to for shelter. I've grown to realize that sleep is important and I need it. I've realized that good eating habits and exercise have to be in my life in order for me to function.
Be still and know that I am God...has become real and powerful for me. This has caused me to be still and find god in this season of waiting.
It is my new normal!
Wednesday, February 18, 2015
Saturday, February 07, 2015
They that wait...
They that wait!
In our lives waiting seems like something we run as fast away from as possible. To wait is a weakness. We seem to be all about trying to get to point B as fast as we can go. Not to mention C,D,E.
We rush in traffic, try to get to the shortest line, complain when we have to wait on the phone with a customer service rep. Speed on the highway...and in the city. We want immediacy at all cost. The sad reality is that we are fostering a culture that is all about satisfaction, gratification and responses that need to come to us as quickly as possible...by yesterday if at all possible.
I know what it is to wait. For an answer...for a solution. I also know that I'm not a good wait-er. in the midst of waiting I rush to find a solution. I'm propelled to find the answer immediately or that quick fix. Sometimes that's good but there is something deep in the way of the wait that gets lost in this reaction.
I waited 20 years for an answer to my prayer..."Change me GOD! Take this attraction away and make me normal!" Did I wait faithfully? Where did I place my hope?
In our lives waiting seems like something we run as fast away from as possible. To wait is a weakness. We seem to be all about trying to get to point B as fast as we can go. Not to mention C,D,E.
We rush in traffic, try to get to the shortest line, complain when we have to wait on the phone with a customer service rep. Speed on the highway...and in the city. We want immediacy at all cost. The sad reality is that we are fostering a culture that is all about satisfaction, gratification and responses that need to come to us as quickly as possible...by yesterday if at all possible.
I know what it is to wait. For an answer...for a solution. I also know that I'm not a good wait-er. in the midst of waiting I rush to find a solution. I'm propelled to find the answer immediately or that quick fix. Sometimes that's good but there is something deep in the way of the wait that gets lost in this reaction.
I waited 20 years for an answer to my prayer..."Change me GOD! Take this attraction away and make me normal!" Did I wait faithfully? Where did I place my hope?
Isaiah 40:31
...but those who hope in the Lord
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.
I have to admit that looking back my hope was to be that normal Christian. You know, the one with no problems? They have it all together. They know how to pray, read the word, say the right things, they have a great marriage and great kids. That Christian. For me, that was what I felt was what I needed to attain in order to be fulfilled and living a life that was of worth and meaning. I was hoping for an easy life...because isn't that what being a Christian means?
They that wait...they that put their hope in the Lord...
I've come to know through a struggle that I wouldn't wish on anyone, but wouldn't trade it either, that there is a deep work in the place of waiting and the greatest...THE GREATEST treasure still awaits me. I find a deep peace in this place, even though it isn't without struggle.
I've gained new strength in this place of waiting and I've realized an even more organic and deeper picture of this place of hope. I can hope for many things, but apart from God, they are all meaningless. My hope has to be fully in God in all areas of my life. In who I am as a son, a man, a brother, friend, husband, father, Pastor. Where does my hope lie? My hope in the Lord needs to lie down in green pastures, where my soul is restored. It needs to rise up on wings like eagles, it needs to rush into the strong tower to be safe, and to be hidden under the shelter of HIS wing.
It isn't a hope with an expectation that I will get what I think I deserve, need or want. It is a hope that says...God be God! It is a hope that says God you are ENOUGH...Period...and to be honest...I'm not there yet. My humanness gets in the way, it creeps in and tries to disillusion me, confuse me and it causes me to compare and to somehow think I am missing out...but in all reality, I am right in the place God has me...for the time being and I'm called to live fully right in this place.
So hope in the Lord...you will gain new strength...you will rise on wings like eagles. You will run and not grow weary, you will run and not faint.
You are not alone...
They that wait...they that put their hope in the Lord...
I've come to know through a struggle that I wouldn't wish on anyone, but wouldn't trade it either, that there is a deep work in the place of waiting and the greatest...THE GREATEST treasure still awaits me. I find a deep peace in this place, even though it isn't without struggle.
I've gained new strength in this place of waiting and I've realized an even more organic and deeper picture of this place of hope. I can hope for many things, but apart from God, they are all meaningless. My hope has to be fully in God in all areas of my life. In who I am as a son, a man, a brother, friend, husband, father, Pastor. Where does my hope lie? My hope in the Lord needs to lie down in green pastures, where my soul is restored. It needs to rise up on wings like eagles, it needs to rush into the strong tower to be safe, and to be hidden under the shelter of HIS wing.
It isn't a hope with an expectation that I will get what I think I deserve, need or want. It is a hope that says...God be God! It is a hope that says God you are ENOUGH...Period...and to be honest...I'm not there yet. My humanness gets in the way, it creeps in and tries to disillusion me, confuse me and it causes me to compare and to somehow think I am missing out...but in all reality, I am right in the place God has me...for the time being and I'm called to live fully right in this place.
So hope in the Lord...you will gain new strength...you will rise on wings like eagles. You will run and not grow weary, you will run and not faint.
You are not alone...
Tuesday, February 03, 2015
A DECADE! - for your good and for HIS GLORY
A decade, ten years to be exact is how long I have been walking in a restorative posture. In February of 2005, I was in a gay relationship and I held firm to my gay identity which for many reasons was a powerful definitive statement. It gave reality to a 20 year struggle with same sex attraction within the realms of the faith community. A faith community that for the most part was afraid to talk about homosexuality, let alone know how to minister to someone struggling with same sex attraction.
Identifying as gay was me saying, "I am no longer afraid of the struggle and that it no longer is a struggle for me." I could just accept this fact and move forward in my life.
You see, I built my life and my foundation of beliefs on the shallow reality of sin. Because sin felt good! You have to realize that when I came out, I no longer felt guilty for sinning. I placed my sin above God and I began worshiping this idol of my sexual identity, it was MY ORIENTATION...and it was immovable and unchangeable.
That is until we get God in the scene. I believe He was always in the scenario called my life, and He desired the best for me. I believe the Lord waits patiently for an opportunity to speak. Sometimes we hear Him and other times, we don't.
In February of 2005, I became silent. I don't want to elaborate on my ex partner. Though I will say he was a kind and caring person, to whom I loved more than anything. I have wonderful memories of our life together, which I cannot deny was good and met legitimate needs for both of us. But in every relationship there comes times when it's tough seasons of relating and we hit one.
We decided not to talk for a month. A decision that would catapult us to the brink...to the edge of a precipice. During that month, I began to witness God at work. Though I could not formulate that in my mind or journal, I did capture the essence of the Creator at work in His Creation. When you don't talk, you get to witness things visually and this was heightened for me. I began seeing amazing sunrises and sunsets, I began to see the varieties of shades of green and the textures of the forest behind our house. I began to see me in the midst of my relationship and it wasn't a pretty picture. What stared back was a man who found himself lost. Lost in a relationship, lost in life. He needed to find his life again...and so it ended. I ended the relationship in March 2005.
Happily ever after?
I'm not sure relationships ending is happy...it's usually messy and ours was. It's usually where the true colors are painted on a canvas and the painting we were creating wasn't pretty to look at.
God the ultimate artist, who created everything...began by taking out HIS paint brush and He surprised me by adding in HIS color to our painting. Again, I didn't see it at first, but it would happen in a conversation, or a look, or a phone call or an email. God began using His children to add color to the painting of our lives...and one day I saw it.
It changed EVERYTHING...really...it did. I couldn't deny His workmanship, His presence, His voice in my life. I saw life for what it was, for the first time in 38 years. My eyes opened to an even greater brilliance of color and Truth, Mercy and Grace wrapped around me in amazing textures.
In 3 months, I went from fighting for what I believed to be my worth and identity to full submission to the Lordship of Jesus. There was no denying who He said He was...and to this day, I can still recall my run in the forest where God spoke and changed the course and direction of the life of Kenneth Peter.
Ten years...a decade! I look back and see my God at work. In awe of who He says He is. I have many scripture verses that stand out for me, but lately this one in Isaiah 40:31 stand out...
Yet those who wait for the Lord
Will gain new strength;
They will mount up with wings like eagles,
They will run and not get tired,
They will walk and not become weary.
In ten years, God did things I never knew would ever happen in my life. I say the greatest gift to cherish is the gift of salvation...unmerited favor despite our sinfulness...and to be single, fully committed to the work of the gospel. What an incredible calling and purpose. Yet, God chose to bring to me a wife...to refine me to take me into the valley and to the mountain tops...a home to live in and dedicate to the Lord's service...then a child. These things I thought near impossibilities. In 2005 I prayed asking God to provide these things, knowing that He is sovereign and they may never come to pass...for my good...and for His GAIN. He chose otherwise, but I still needed to wait.
To wait is to realize our complete and utter dependency on the Lord. To realize how weak and tired we are...and to lean into the one who says "I will give you NEW strength...and you will do things out of MY strength, not yours."
So today, no matter where you are at, God, the creator of all things is speaking! He is putting paint on the canvas of your life...can you see it? Are you aware of it? How are you waiting? Are you the strong one or is God your Papa your strength? No matter how long you wait, God has your good in mind...and it's not for your glory but HIS.
Identifying as gay was me saying, "I am no longer afraid of the struggle and that it no longer is a struggle for me." I could just accept this fact and move forward in my life.
You see, I built my life and my foundation of beliefs on the shallow reality of sin. Because sin felt good! You have to realize that when I came out, I no longer felt guilty for sinning. I placed my sin above God and I began worshiping this idol of my sexual identity, it was MY ORIENTATION...and it was immovable and unchangeable.
That is until we get God in the scene. I believe He was always in the scenario called my life, and He desired the best for me. I believe the Lord waits patiently for an opportunity to speak. Sometimes we hear Him and other times, we don't.
In February of 2005, I became silent. I don't want to elaborate on my ex partner. Though I will say he was a kind and caring person, to whom I loved more than anything. I have wonderful memories of our life together, which I cannot deny was good and met legitimate needs for both of us. But in every relationship there comes times when it's tough seasons of relating and we hit one.
We decided not to talk for a month. A decision that would catapult us to the brink...to the edge of a precipice. During that month, I began to witness God at work. Though I could not formulate that in my mind or journal, I did capture the essence of the Creator at work in His Creation. When you don't talk, you get to witness things visually and this was heightened for me. I began seeing amazing sunrises and sunsets, I began to see the varieties of shades of green and the textures of the forest behind our house. I began to see me in the midst of my relationship and it wasn't a pretty picture. What stared back was a man who found himself lost. Lost in a relationship, lost in life. He needed to find his life again...and so it ended. I ended the relationship in March 2005.
Happily ever after?
I'm not sure relationships ending is happy...it's usually messy and ours was. It's usually where the true colors are painted on a canvas and the painting we were creating wasn't pretty to look at.
God the ultimate artist, who created everything...began by taking out HIS paint brush and He surprised me by adding in HIS color to our painting. Again, I didn't see it at first, but it would happen in a conversation, or a look, or a phone call or an email. God began using His children to add color to the painting of our lives...and one day I saw it.
It changed EVERYTHING...really...it did. I couldn't deny His workmanship, His presence, His voice in my life. I saw life for what it was, for the first time in 38 years. My eyes opened to an even greater brilliance of color and Truth, Mercy and Grace wrapped around me in amazing textures.
In 3 months, I went from fighting for what I believed to be my worth and identity to full submission to the Lordship of Jesus. There was no denying who He said He was...and to this day, I can still recall my run in the forest where God spoke and changed the course and direction of the life of Kenneth Peter.
Ten years...a decade! I look back and see my God at work. In awe of who He says He is. I have many scripture verses that stand out for me, but lately this one in Isaiah 40:31 stand out...
Yet those who wait for the Lord
Will gain new strength;
They will mount up with wings like eagles,
They will run and not get tired,
They will walk and not become weary.
In ten years, God did things I never knew would ever happen in my life. I say the greatest gift to cherish is the gift of salvation...unmerited favor despite our sinfulness...and to be single, fully committed to the work of the gospel. What an incredible calling and purpose. Yet, God chose to bring to me a wife...to refine me to take me into the valley and to the mountain tops...a home to live in and dedicate to the Lord's service...then a child. These things I thought near impossibilities. In 2005 I prayed asking God to provide these things, knowing that He is sovereign and they may never come to pass...for my good...and for His GAIN. He chose otherwise, but I still needed to wait.
To wait is to realize our complete and utter dependency on the Lord. To realize how weak and tired we are...and to lean into the one who says "I will give you NEW strength...and you will do things out of MY strength, not yours."
So today, no matter where you are at, God, the creator of all things is speaking! He is putting paint on the canvas of your life...can you see it? Are you aware of it? How are you waiting? Are you the strong one or is God your Papa your strength? No matter how long you wait, God has your good in mind...and it's not for your glory but HIS.
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