A DECADE! - for your good and for HIS GLORY

A decade, ten years to be exact is how long I have been walking in a restorative posture.  In February of 2005, I was in a gay relationship and I held firm to my gay identity which for many reasons was a powerful definitive statement.  It gave reality to a 20 year struggle with same sex attraction within the realms of the faith community.  A faith community that for the most part was afraid to talk about homosexuality, let alone know how to minister to someone struggling with same sex attraction. 

Identifying as gay was me saying, "I am no longer afraid of the struggle and that it no longer is a struggle for me."  I could just accept this fact and move forward in my life. 

You see, I built my life and my foundation of beliefs on the shallow reality of sin.  Because sin felt good!  You have to realize that when I came out, I no longer felt guilty for sinning.  I placed my sin above God and I began worshiping this idol of my sexual identity, it was MY ORIENTATION...and it was immovable and unchangeable. 

That is until we get God in the scene.  I believe He was always in the scenario called my life, and He desired the best for me.  I believe the Lord waits patiently for an opportunity to speak.  Sometimes we hear Him and other times, we don't. 

In February of 2005, I became silent.  I don't want to elaborate on my ex partner.  Though I will say he was a kind and caring person, to whom I loved more than anything.  I have wonderful memories of our life together, which I cannot deny was good and met legitimate needs for both of us.  But in every relationship there comes times when it's tough seasons of relating and we hit one. 

We decided not to talk for  a month.  A decision that would catapult us to the brink...to the edge of a precipice.  During that month, I began to witness God at work.  Though I could not formulate that in my mind or journal, I did capture the essence of the Creator at work in His Creation.  When you don't talk, you get to witness things visually and this was heightened for me.  I began seeing amazing sunrises and sunsets, I began to see the varieties of shades of green and the textures of the forest behind our house.  I began to see me in the midst of my relationship and it wasn't a pretty picture.  What stared back was a man who found himself lost.  Lost in a relationship, lost in life.  He needed to find his life again...and so it ended.  I ended the relationship in March 2005.

Happily ever after? 

I'm not sure relationships ending is happy...it's usually messy and ours was.  It's usually where the true colors are painted on a canvas and the painting we were creating wasn't pretty to look at.

God the ultimate artist, who created everything...began by taking out HIS paint brush and He surprised me by adding in HIS color to our painting.  Again, I didn't see it at first, but it would happen in a conversation, or a look, or a phone call or an email.  God began using His children to add color to the painting of our lives...and one day I saw it. 

It changed EVERYTHING...really...it did.  I couldn't deny His workmanship, His presence, His voice in my life.  I saw life for what it was, for the first time in 38 years.  My eyes opened to an even greater brilliance of color and Truth, Mercy and Grace wrapped around me in amazing textures.

In 3 months, I went from fighting for what I believed to be my worth and identity to full submission to the Lordship of Jesus.  There was no denying who He said He was...and to this day, I can still recall my run in the forest where God spoke and changed the course and direction of the life of Kenneth Peter.

Ten years...a decade!  I look back and see my God at work.  In awe of who He says He is.  I have many scripture verses that stand out for me, but lately this one in Isaiah 40:31 stand out...
Yet those who wait for the Lord
Will gain new strength;
They will mount up with wings like eagles,
They will run and not get tired,
They will walk and not become weary.

In ten years, God did things I never knew would ever happen in my life.  I say the greatest gift to cherish is the gift of salvation...unmerited favor despite our sinfulness...and to be single, fully committed to the work of the gospel.  What an incredible calling and purpose.  Yet, God chose to bring to me a wife...to refine me to take me into the valley and to the mountain tops...a home to live in and dedicate to the Lord's service...then a child.  These things I thought near impossibilities.  In 2005 I prayed asking God to provide these things, knowing that He is sovereign and they may never come to pass...for my good...and for His GAIN.   He chose otherwise, but I still needed to wait.  

To wait is to realize our complete and utter dependency on the Lord.  To realize how weak and tired we are...and to lean into the one who says "I will give you NEW strength...and you will do things out of MY strength, not yours."  

So today, no matter where you are at, God, the creator of all things is speaking!  He is putting paint on the canvas of your life...can you see it?  Are you aware of it?  How are you waiting?  Are you the strong one or is God your Papa your strength?  No matter how long you wait, God has your good in mind...and it's not for your glory but HIS.