To be frank, yes! I am writing about a death of some sort, but not a physical death of something but rather an idea and a thought process that used to take up a lot of my time.
I awoke this morning from a vivid dream. One that caused me to pause and reflect and think about discipleship and walking life freely in love with God my Father who directs my steps, who places guard rails on the path for my well being, and then exhorts me to walk with others, showing them the love of Jesus.
Psalm 16:5-9 reads:
5The LORD is the portion of my inheritance and my cup;
You support my lot.
6The lines have fallen to me in pleasant places;
Indeed, my heritage is beautiful to me.
7I will bless the LORD who has counseled me;
Indeed, my mind instructs me in the night.
8I have set the LORD continually before me;
Because He is at my right hand, I will not be shaken.
9Therefore my heart is glad and my glory rejoices;
My flesh also will dwell securely.
You support my lot.
6The lines have fallen to me in pleasant places;
Indeed, my heritage is beautiful to me.
7I will bless the LORD who has counseled me;
Indeed, my mind instructs me in the night.
8I have set the LORD continually before me;
Because He is at my right hand, I will not be shaken.
9Therefore my heart is glad and my glory rejoices;
My flesh also will dwell securely.
With this in minds, my dream was about this man who went by the name Kendra! I knew it was me, dressed and living as a woman. I was with a group of transgendered people both men and women and we were entering into a movie theater. There were empty seats all around the theater yet none together, so we all sat by ourselves. The movie was just beginning when a man shouted out obscenities toward the group. It was degrading and horrific. I felt in that moment this surge of justice and with all the courage I could muster, I stood up and spoke to the crowd. I spoke clearly that no one had the right to treat others like that, especially when you have no clue as to who that person is and what they are going through or been through.
I can't remember everything that I said, but I called for the man who spoke the obscenities to be man enough to stand up! I expected a large physical man to stand, but a short, thin man appeared. With remorse in his eyes, I could tell that he was sorry for the words that he had spoken.
When I woke up, I wondered why I had this dream and what the purpose of it was. The more I meditated on it, I felt like God was saying, "Kenny, Kendra is dead! Even the thought of Kendra is now dead!" I felt as if God was reminding me that even though for me, Kendra is dead, we are still called to be like Jesus in how we talk and love those to whom we may not understand.
I look at my life and realize that yes, the thought of being "Kendra" is done! God has transplanted His ways and His thoughts into my mind and heart. He had reclaimed my identity and affirmed my gender identity to how He formed and created me to be. Fully man! Will old patterns of thought still make it's way to my consciousness? Of course, that's what defines me as human. But these thoughts need not control me or cause me to re-think who I am in Christ. I no longer need to assume a false identity or create one to appease the broken places within me.
I believe that God was showing me in this dream that despite my best efforts, when I take matters into my own hands, Kendra can live, and yet when I submit my life to God...every part of my life, Kenny lives! In the midst of all of this, I have no right to tear someone down and call out obscenities. What I felt God saying is GET INVOLVED and get to know people where their at. When you have no clue on how to respond or what to say, pray that God bring you into people's lives, so you can walk out your faith authentically!
