Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power to work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think. Glory to him in the church and in Christ Jesus through all generations forever and ever! Amen Eph 3:20-21
Paul writes in the verses prior to this that he considers it a privilege of telling the Gentiles about the endless treasures available to them through Christ. (3:8) He shares this with great humility, not considering himself to have fully arrived and even states that he is the least deserving of all Gods people.
When I think of the treasures available through Christ I too am humbled and placed on my knees in reverence and thanksgiving of the work and gospel of Jesus Christ.
There is no new thing under the sun, no human philosophy or thought are new. We recycle and repackage the same things over and over again, to systematically change how people of a different generation with different 'language' see and comprehend things.
But there is one thing that never changes, and that is the God of the universe. He does not change like shifting sands, He doesn't bow down to culture, or the seemingly powerful influence it has on people. He doesn't move his ministry or theology to appease sinful choices. He stands as the creator of all things...not just a few things but all things. He shows mercy through the work of Jesus on the cross and revealed himself through his son Jesus and the empowering work of the Holy Spirit. This God head three in one is at work...and always has been.
In this place, this mighty power, he will accomplish more than we might ask or think. You see as a limited human thinker (we all are!) I can only see in part. Our brains are not fully aware of the mysterious ways of the Lord almighty and so we are flawed. We will only see in partial vision, but a time is coming when we will see fully, when we stand in the presence of our Creator.
For me personally, this truth brings me peace. It rules over my heart and gives me courage to continue to lay aside my sinful and broken ways. Be it residual same sex attraction or gender issues, relational brokenness, I find the war rages inside me, between the spirit which cries out ABBA FATHER and my flesh which cries out for...MY INDEPENDENCE! I can't have both. My liberation comes as I submit all things into the Lordship of Christ, not by submitting to my own fleshly wants, human philosophies and broken patterns of thought and relating.
God has unlimited resources. Resources that will empower us with inner strength through His spirit. As we trust in Jesus, he makes a home in us and our roots will grow down into God's love and keep us strong. This strength will keep us from being uprooted by those who will tickle our ears with poor theology. A theology that will appease our brokenness, our own desires rather than the truth of the Gospel.
2 Timothy 4:3-8
For the time will come when people will not put up with sound doctrine.
Instead, to suit their own desires, they will gather around them a
great number of teachers to say what their itching ears want to hear. They will turn their ears away from the truth and turn aside to myths. But you, keep your head in all situations, endure hardship, do the work of an evangelist, discharge all the duties of your ministry. For I am already being poured out like a drink offering, and the time for my departure is near. I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith. Now there is in store for me the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous Judge, will award to me on that day—and not only to me, but also to all who have longed for his appearing.
Let's continue to run the good race set before us. Be alert, keep your head, endure hardship and keep the faith. This journey we are on is not about us, it is about the Glory of God. This should keep us firmly rooted in the love of God.
Tuesday, October 27, 2015
Tuesday, October 13, 2015
10 year anniversary
I've been a bit silent here...but have a moment so I thought I'd give
an encouraging word! This is my 10th anniversary of walking away from an
8 year gay relationship and almost 40 years of walking with same sex
attraction and now I'm walking in dependence of my Heavenly Father, my
brother Jesus and my advocate the Holy Spirit. It has been an amazingly
challenging walk. There have been ups and downs, and what I have grown
to realize is that no matter what is put in front of me, how tired I
am, how exhausted I feel I have a choice in how I walk out life with the
Lord. I've been reading in Colossians and in Chapter 3 it talks about a
taking off of the old self and putting on the new self. Its a work
that we are called to do on an on going basis. 3:10 says "Put on your new
nature, and be renewed as you learn to know your Creator and become like
Him."
We are exhorted to remember that since we have been raised up in new life with Christ, we are to set our vision/gaze on the realities of Heaven...not the things of earth. (human philosophies, worldly views etc) We are hidden in Christ Jesus and we are to put away, take off, put to death the sinful, earthly things lurking inside us. We are called to do that...not someone else. It is a conscious decision on our part. Then I'm called to put on the new things...the realities of heaven. This means I'm mindful of my walk and how I respond and react and live day by day.
The greatest news is that none of us can do this work on our own. The gift of God's incredible grace poured out on us through the work of Jesus on the cross and in his resurrection, and our dependence on the Power of the Holy Spirit gives us the ability to listen to the Lord. To believe that God has got our stuff, and He will accomplish the work that He is intending to complete in us.
In our weakness His strength is perfected. As I thought of that I had a vision of myself with cracks and places where I am desperately weak...(ya I'm utterly weak and will boast in this place!) and then the power of God comes into me when I trust him with my life and the situation that I am facing. (even prepping a sermon, I cry out to him knowing that I can't do it in my strength and power) As He empowers and fills me...light rays shoot out of me and people see the glorious work and power of God...He gets all the credit as He shows himself...which is a relief and a blessing.
Brothers and sisters, don't tire of doing good. Be still and know that the one true God who imagined you, formed you and knows you more than you yourself know you...is affectionate toward you. He will accomplish the work, trust Him with every part of your life...all the weak places, all the areas yet to be uncovered. He loves you with an extravagant and unrelenting love.
We are exhorted to remember that since we have been raised up in new life with Christ, we are to set our vision/gaze on the realities of Heaven...not the things of earth. (human philosophies, worldly views etc) We are hidden in Christ Jesus and we are to put away, take off, put to death the sinful, earthly things lurking inside us. We are called to do that...not someone else. It is a conscious decision on our part. Then I'm called to put on the new things...the realities of heaven. This means I'm mindful of my walk and how I respond and react and live day by day.
The greatest news is that none of us can do this work on our own. The gift of God's incredible grace poured out on us through the work of Jesus on the cross and in his resurrection, and our dependence on the Power of the Holy Spirit gives us the ability to listen to the Lord. To believe that God has got our stuff, and He will accomplish the work that He is intending to complete in us.
In our weakness His strength is perfected. As I thought of that I had a vision of myself with cracks and places where I am desperately weak...(ya I'm utterly weak and will boast in this place!) and then the power of God comes into me when I trust him with my life and the situation that I am facing. (even prepping a sermon, I cry out to him knowing that I can't do it in my strength and power) As He empowers and fills me...light rays shoot out of me and people see the glorious work and power of God...He gets all the credit as He shows himself...which is a relief and a blessing.
Brothers and sisters, don't tire of doing good. Be still and know that the one true God who imagined you, formed you and knows you more than you yourself know you...is affectionate toward you. He will accomplish the work, trust Him with every part of your life...all the weak places, all the areas yet to be uncovered. He loves you with an extravagant and unrelenting love.
Tuesday, June 09, 2015
Love Won
Previously Published in the Christian Courier
So
much has been written about same sex attraction and LGBTI (which is Amnesty
International’s descriptive: lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender and intersex)
issues, both in secular and Christian circles. Within the Christian community
we have great diversity in our thoughts on this issue, as Julia Stronks pointed
out in the May 11 issue of Christian
Courier.
We
have spent countless hours debating (in the Church) which side we should land
on. Should it be Side A: the affirming side, where we welcome and affirm those
who identify as LGBTI, who wish to pursue and explore their sexuality as it
pertains to their identity. Or Side B: the welcoming but not affirming side,
where we encourage and exhort our brothers and sisters who struggle with same
sex attraction or are LGBTI Christians to remain celibate, or possibly one day
entertain the possibility of marrying someone of the opposite gender.
Even
in the brief paragraph above different people will take offense to how I have
written this out. There are so many gray areas within this conversation, due in
part to each personal journey with same sex attraction and LGBTI, that even as
I contemplate writing this I know I will miss something. This column isn’t
intended to try to persuade; rather, I felt the need to reflect on love and how
it won in my own journey with gender and sexuality.
Who am I?
Ten
years ago in May, I moved back home to Winnipeg after leaving an eight-year gay
relationship and after having a Damascus Road experience with God, which
propelled me to lay down my gay identity and to pursue him with all my heart
and soul. I found myself sitting at a Love Won Out conference, put on by Focus
on the Family. Throughout the weekend I was overcome with a mix of emotions. I
knew that this encounter with God meant that I needed to put all my trust in him;
I couldn’t lean on my own understanding or emotions. Here I sat around the very
people I had grown to despise, “the Church,” while outside a crowd of
protesters grew — the very ones I would normally have joined, linking arms and
holding up signs. I felt like I was being pulled apart on the inside. Where did
I belong? Did I belong here inside with the “churchy folk” or outside with
“those people”?
My
emotions and intellect, which included memories and philosophy, screamed
“OUTSIDE!” but deep within me, this still small voice whispered “Trust me,
Kenny! I love you and have the best for you. Stay where you are.”
I
listened to the still small voice and in doing so I experienced a washing of
love and affection —an affirmation that God was speaking to me and that he had
the best for my life. I still felt incredible grief, but I knew that this was a
process that God would walk me through. Reality was setting in and I knew that
even if this struggle with my sexuality and sense of gender stayed with me the
rest of my life, Jesus would be enough for me.
Deep love
Love
won. I can’t remember what was said during that conference, nor can I recall
the workshops I attended. I do remember that as the protestors shouted, those
inside prayed beautiful prayers of love and compassion. Several people,
including pastors, went outside to bring the protestors water and ask them
questions. That was when I experienced a different “Church” than what I
expected. I encountered deep love, and this propelled me to the cross of Jesus
and the work of the Holy Spirit. It’s
interesting that in 1 Corinthians 12 and 14, Paul is instructing the Church of
Corinth on spiritual gifts — tongues, prophecy and orderly worship. But right
in the middle of these two chapters is chapter 13. Paul proclaims a way of life
that is best of all. Love. As I read this small chapter, I think of how we can possess
all knowledge, faith and spiritual gifts; give everything to the poor and even
sacrifice our bodies, and yet have no love for others — then we are just a
clanging cymbal. I’ve experienced this love, and it won my heart. Where love
was kind, patient, humble, not self-seeking, jealous, irritable or unforgiving.
This love rejoiced whenever the truth won out, and it never gave up on me.
Wednesday, February 18, 2015
New Normal?
A year ago in March, my life got a bit shaken up...well maybe I should say my brain did.
I had attended our Churches Men's retreat and during an extra long game of broomball, I had an extraordinary fall. It was during the shoot off to find out who the winner would be and I tried my best to whack that ball to get the win, but instead I wiped out and my ribs landed on the broom, which landed on the ice. I heard the crunch and I could barely breath. I slowly got up and it was an extremely painful night. I arrived home the next day in considerable pain and so I was told I should really go to emergency to get an xray, which I knew wouldn't really show anything and if it did, what could they really do anyway but tape my ribs.
While I was in the emergency room, I was eventually called in and the pain was so intense that the nurse gave me 2 percocet. I had never taken anything like that before and within 10 minutes I was experiencing some not so good side effects. I eventually felt like I was going to throw up and instead I passed out. Problem was, I couldn't lay down and so I was standing by the bed and I fell forward into an empty shelving unit.
When I woke up I was laying on the bed, incoherent. I had a terrible headache and my chest still hurt like crazy. Eventually they had taken the xrays of my chest and told me that I most likely had gotten a concussion from the fall. A few hours later they sent me home in a taxi.
Thinking back on this event, I am surprised at a number of things and could well have seen things go far worse. The bruising on my head was dramatic and so began the healing of the concussion. I didn't know what to expect, but I began to feel like my life was slowly turning inward. I would get frustrated by the little things, tiredness came on me in increasing ways, I could sleep and sleep, and when I did awake, I never felt rested. I began to notice personality changes and I didn't like it so much. I'd get frustrated quicker and my spacial environment needed to be just so. I am thankful for a wonderful woman like my wife, but she was also dealing with an auto-immune disease which began to affect her ability to walk. I wondered...Lord? What is wrong here? Are you trying to teach us something or grow our dependence on him in increasing ways?
We didn't talk much about these ailments. Maybe because our life has been very open to the world to see and this felt like something we could hold onto.
My wife got healed in a dramatic way and I continue to heal. The Dr is not sure where I will land in my healing or how long it will take. I still find it difficult to find a word while speaking, or a fog will come over me, feelings of being lightheaded...and dizziness make me want to stay in bed. I can tell most days when I wake up if it will be a good day, bad day or one that is just not as productive as I had wanted.
But in this place I have grown in my dependence on God. He truly is my source and my place I have got to run to for shelter. I've grown to realize that sleep is important and I need it. I've realized that good eating habits and exercise have to be in my life in order for me to function.
Be still and know that I am God...has become real and powerful for me. This has caused me to be still and find god in this season of waiting.
It is my new normal!
I had attended our Churches Men's retreat and during an extra long game of broomball, I had an extraordinary fall. It was during the shoot off to find out who the winner would be and I tried my best to whack that ball to get the win, but instead I wiped out and my ribs landed on the broom, which landed on the ice. I heard the crunch and I could barely breath. I slowly got up and it was an extremely painful night. I arrived home the next day in considerable pain and so I was told I should really go to emergency to get an xray, which I knew wouldn't really show anything and if it did, what could they really do anyway but tape my ribs.
While I was in the emergency room, I was eventually called in and the pain was so intense that the nurse gave me 2 percocet. I had never taken anything like that before and within 10 minutes I was experiencing some not so good side effects. I eventually felt like I was going to throw up and instead I passed out. Problem was, I couldn't lay down and so I was standing by the bed and I fell forward into an empty shelving unit.
When I woke up I was laying on the bed, incoherent. I had a terrible headache and my chest still hurt like crazy. Eventually they had taken the xrays of my chest and told me that I most likely had gotten a concussion from the fall. A few hours later they sent me home in a taxi.
Thinking back on this event, I am surprised at a number of things and could well have seen things go far worse. The bruising on my head was dramatic and so began the healing of the concussion. I didn't know what to expect, but I began to feel like my life was slowly turning inward. I would get frustrated by the little things, tiredness came on me in increasing ways, I could sleep and sleep, and when I did awake, I never felt rested. I began to notice personality changes and I didn't like it so much. I'd get frustrated quicker and my spacial environment needed to be just so. I am thankful for a wonderful woman like my wife, but she was also dealing with an auto-immune disease which began to affect her ability to walk. I wondered...Lord? What is wrong here? Are you trying to teach us something or grow our dependence on him in increasing ways?
We didn't talk much about these ailments. Maybe because our life has been very open to the world to see and this felt like something we could hold onto.
My wife got healed in a dramatic way and I continue to heal. The Dr is not sure where I will land in my healing or how long it will take. I still find it difficult to find a word while speaking, or a fog will come over me, feelings of being lightheaded...and dizziness make me want to stay in bed. I can tell most days when I wake up if it will be a good day, bad day or one that is just not as productive as I had wanted.
But in this place I have grown in my dependence on God. He truly is my source and my place I have got to run to for shelter. I've grown to realize that sleep is important and I need it. I've realized that good eating habits and exercise have to be in my life in order for me to function.
Be still and know that I am God...has become real and powerful for me. This has caused me to be still and find god in this season of waiting.
It is my new normal!
Saturday, February 07, 2015
They that wait...
They that wait!
In our lives waiting seems like something we run as fast away from as possible. To wait is a weakness. We seem to be all about trying to get to point B as fast as we can go. Not to mention C,D,E.
We rush in traffic, try to get to the shortest line, complain when we have to wait on the phone with a customer service rep. Speed on the highway...and in the city. We want immediacy at all cost. The sad reality is that we are fostering a culture that is all about satisfaction, gratification and responses that need to come to us as quickly as possible...by yesterday if at all possible.
I know what it is to wait. For an answer...for a solution. I also know that I'm not a good wait-er. in the midst of waiting I rush to find a solution. I'm propelled to find the answer immediately or that quick fix. Sometimes that's good but there is something deep in the way of the wait that gets lost in this reaction.
I waited 20 years for an answer to my prayer..."Change me GOD! Take this attraction away and make me normal!" Did I wait faithfully? Where did I place my hope?
In our lives waiting seems like something we run as fast away from as possible. To wait is a weakness. We seem to be all about trying to get to point B as fast as we can go. Not to mention C,D,E.
We rush in traffic, try to get to the shortest line, complain when we have to wait on the phone with a customer service rep. Speed on the highway...and in the city. We want immediacy at all cost. The sad reality is that we are fostering a culture that is all about satisfaction, gratification and responses that need to come to us as quickly as possible...by yesterday if at all possible.
I know what it is to wait. For an answer...for a solution. I also know that I'm not a good wait-er. in the midst of waiting I rush to find a solution. I'm propelled to find the answer immediately or that quick fix. Sometimes that's good but there is something deep in the way of the wait that gets lost in this reaction.
I waited 20 years for an answer to my prayer..."Change me GOD! Take this attraction away and make me normal!" Did I wait faithfully? Where did I place my hope?
Isaiah 40:31
...but those who hope in the Lord
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.
I have to admit that looking back my hope was to be that normal Christian. You know, the one with no problems? They have it all together. They know how to pray, read the word, say the right things, they have a great marriage and great kids. That Christian. For me, that was what I felt was what I needed to attain in order to be fulfilled and living a life that was of worth and meaning. I was hoping for an easy life...because isn't that what being a Christian means?
They that wait...they that put their hope in the Lord...
I've come to know through a struggle that I wouldn't wish on anyone, but wouldn't trade it either, that there is a deep work in the place of waiting and the greatest...THE GREATEST treasure still awaits me. I find a deep peace in this place, even though it isn't without struggle.
I've gained new strength in this place of waiting and I've realized an even more organic and deeper picture of this place of hope. I can hope for many things, but apart from God, they are all meaningless. My hope has to be fully in God in all areas of my life. In who I am as a son, a man, a brother, friend, husband, father, Pastor. Where does my hope lie? My hope in the Lord needs to lie down in green pastures, where my soul is restored. It needs to rise up on wings like eagles, it needs to rush into the strong tower to be safe, and to be hidden under the shelter of HIS wing.
It isn't a hope with an expectation that I will get what I think I deserve, need or want. It is a hope that says...God be God! It is a hope that says God you are ENOUGH...Period...and to be honest...I'm not there yet. My humanness gets in the way, it creeps in and tries to disillusion me, confuse me and it causes me to compare and to somehow think I am missing out...but in all reality, I am right in the place God has me...for the time being and I'm called to live fully right in this place.
So hope in the Lord...you will gain new strength...you will rise on wings like eagles. You will run and not grow weary, you will run and not faint.
You are not alone...
They that wait...they that put their hope in the Lord...
I've come to know through a struggle that I wouldn't wish on anyone, but wouldn't trade it either, that there is a deep work in the place of waiting and the greatest...THE GREATEST treasure still awaits me. I find a deep peace in this place, even though it isn't without struggle.
I've gained new strength in this place of waiting and I've realized an even more organic and deeper picture of this place of hope. I can hope for many things, but apart from God, they are all meaningless. My hope has to be fully in God in all areas of my life. In who I am as a son, a man, a brother, friend, husband, father, Pastor. Where does my hope lie? My hope in the Lord needs to lie down in green pastures, where my soul is restored. It needs to rise up on wings like eagles, it needs to rush into the strong tower to be safe, and to be hidden under the shelter of HIS wing.
It isn't a hope with an expectation that I will get what I think I deserve, need or want. It is a hope that says...God be God! It is a hope that says God you are ENOUGH...Period...and to be honest...I'm not there yet. My humanness gets in the way, it creeps in and tries to disillusion me, confuse me and it causes me to compare and to somehow think I am missing out...but in all reality, I am right in the place God has me...for the time being and I'm called to live fully right in this place.
So hope in the Lord...you will gain new strength...you will rise on wings like eagles. You will run and not grow weary, you will run and not faint.
You are not alone...
Tuesday, February 03, 2015
A DECADE! - for your good and for HIS GLORY
A decade, ten years to be exact is how long I have been walking in a restorative posture. In February of 2005, I was in a gay relationship and I held firm to my gay identity which for many reasons was a powerful definitive statement. It gave reality to a 20 year struggle with same sex attraction within the realms of the faith community. A faith community that for the most part was afraid to talk about homosexuality, let alone know how to minister to someone struggling with same sex attraction.
Identifying as gay was me saying, "I am no longer afraid of the struggle and that it no longer is a struggle for me." I could just accept this fact and move forward in my life.
You see, I built my life and my foundation of beliefs on the shallow reality of sin. Because sin felt good! You have to realize that when I came out, I no longer felt guilty for sinning. I placed my sin above God and I began worshiping this idol of my sexual identity, it was MY ORIENTATION...and it was immovable and unchangeable.
That is until we get God in the scene. I believe He was always in the scenario called my life, and He desired the best for me. I believe the Lord waits patiently for an opportunity to speak. Sometimes we hear Him and other times, we don't.
In February of 2005, I became silent. I don't want to elaborate on my ex partner. Though I will say he was a kind and caring person, to whom I loved more than anything. I have wonderful memories of our life together, which I cannot deny was good and met legitimate needs for both of us. But in every relationship there comes times when it's tough seasons of relating and we hit one.
We decided not to talk for a month. A decision that would catapult us to the brink...to the edge of a precipice. During that month, I began to witness God at work. Though I could not formulate that in my mind or journal, I did capture the essence of the Creator at work in His Creation. When you don't talk, you get to witness things visually and this was heightened for me. I began seeing amazing sunrises and sunsets, I began to see the varieties of shades of green and the textures of the forest behind our house. I began to see me in the midst of my relationship and it wasn't a pretty picture. What stared back was a man who found himself lost. Lost in a relationship, lost in life. He needed to find his life again...and so it ended. I ended the relationship in March 2005.
Happily ever after?
I'm not sure relationships ending is happy...it's usually messy and ours was. It's usually where the true colors are painted on a canvas and the painting we were creating wasn't pretty to look at.
God the ultimate artist, who created everything...began by taking out HIS paint brush and He surprised me by adding in HIS color to our painting. Again, I didn't see it at first, but it would happen in a conversation, or a look, or a phone call or an email. God began using His children to add color to the painting of our lives...and one day I saw it.
It changed EVERYTHING...really...it did. I couldn't deny His workmanship, His presence, His voice in my life. I saw life for what it was, for the first time in 38 years. My eyes opened to an even greater brilliance of color and Truth, Mercy and Grace wrapped around me in amazing textures.
In 3 months, I went from fighting for what I believed to be my worth and identity to full submission to the Lordship of Jesus. There was no denying who He said He was...and to this day, I can still recall my run in the forest where God spoke and changed the course and direction of the life of Kenneth Peter.
Ten years...a decade! I look back and see my God at work. In awe of who He says He is. I have many scripture verses that stand out for me, but lately this one in Isaiah 40:31 stand out...
Yet those who wait for the Lord
Will gain new strength;
They will mount up with wings like eagles,
They will run and not get tired,
They will walk and not become weary.
In ten years, God did things I never knew would ever happen in my life. I say the greatest gift to cherish is the gift of salvation...unmerited favor despite our sinfulness...and to be single, fully committed to the work of the gospel. What an incredible calling and purpose. Yet, God chose to bring to me a wife...to refine me to take me into the valley and to the mountain tops...a home to live in and dedicate to the Lord's service...then a child. These things I thought near impossibilities. In 2005 I prayed asking God to provide these things, knowing that He is sovereign and they may never come to pass...for my good...and for His GAIN. He chose otherwise, but I still needed to wait.
To wait is to realize our complete and utter dependency on the Lord. To realize how weak and tired we are...and to lean into the one who says "I will give you NEW strength...and you will do things out of MY strength, not yours."
So today, no matter where you are at, God, the creator of all things is speaking! He is putting paint on the canvas of your life...can you see it? Are you aware of it? How are you waiting? Are you the strong one or is God your Papa your strength? No matter how long you wait, God has your good in mind...and it's not for your glory but HIS.
Identifying as gay was me saying, "I am no longer afraid of the struggle and that it no longer is a struggle for me." I could just accept this fact and move forward in my life.
You see, I built my life and my foundation of beliefs on the shallow reality of sin. Because sin felt good! You have to realize that when I came out, I no longer felt guilty for sinning. I placed my sin above God and I began worshiping this idol of my sexual identity, it was MY ORIENTATION...and it was immovable and unchangeable.
That is until we get God in the scene. I believe He was always in the scenario called my life, and He desired the best for me. I believe the Lord waits patiently for an opportunity to speak. Sometimes we hear Him and other times, we don't.
In February of 2005, I became silent. I don't want to elaborate on my ex partner. Though I will say he was a kind and caring person, to whom I loved more than anything. I have wonderful memories of our life together, which I cannot deny was good and met legitimate needs for both of us. But in every relationship there comes times when it's tough seasons of relating and we hit one.
We decided not to talk for a month. A decision that would catapult us to the brink...to the edge of a precipice. During that month, I began to witness God at work. Though I could not formulate that in my mind or journal, I did capture the essence of the Creator at work in His Creation. When you don't talk, you get to witness things visually and this was heightened for me. I began seeing amazing sunrises and sunsets, I began to see the varieties of shades of green and the textures of the forest behind our house. I began to see me in the midst of my relationship and it wasn't a pretty picture. What stared back was a man who found himself lost. Lost in a relationship, lost in life. He needed to find his life again...and so it ended. I ended the relationship in March 2005.
Happily ever after?
I'm not sure relationships ending is happy...it's usually messy and ours was. It's usually where the true colors are painted on a canvas and the painting we were creating wasn't pretty to look at.
God the ultimate artist, who created everything...began by taking out HIS paint brush and He surprised me by adding in HIS color to our painting. Again, I didn't see it at first, but it would happen in a conversation, or a look, or a phone call or an email. God began using His children to add color to the painting of our lives...and one day I saw it.
It changed EVERYTHING...really...it did. I couldn't deny His workmanship, His presence, His voice in my life. I saw life for what it was, for the first time in 38 years. My eyes opened to an even greater brilliance of color and Truth, Mercy and Grace wrapped around me in amazing textures.
In 3 months, I went from fighting for what I believed to be my worth and identity to full submission to the Lordship of Jesus. There was no denying who He said He was...and to this day, I can still recall my run in the forest where God spoke and changed the course and direction of the life of Kenneth Peter.
Ten years...a decade! I look back and see my God at work. In awe of who He says He is. I have many scripture verses that stand out for me, but lately this one in Isaiah 40:31 stand out...
Yet those who wait for the Lord
Will gain new strength;
They will mount up with wings like eagles,
They will run and not get tired,
They will walk and not become weary.
In ten years, God did things I never knew would ever happen in my life. I say the greatest gift to cherish is the gift of salvation...unmerited favor despite our sinfulness...and to be single, fully committed to the work of the gospel. What an incredible calling and purpose. Yet, God chose to bring to me a wife...to refine me to take me into the valley and to the mountain tops...a home to live in and dedicate to the Lord's service...then a child. These things I thought near impossibilities. In 2005 I prayed asking God to provide these things, knowing that He is sovereign and they may never come to pass...for my good...and for His GAIN. He chose otherwise, but I still needed to wait.
To wait is to realize our complete and utter dependency on the Lord. To realize how weak and tired we are...and to lean into the one who says "I will give you NEW strength...and you will do things out of MY strength, not yours."
So today, no matter where you are at, God, the creator of all things is speaking! He is putting paint on the canvas of your life...can you see it? Are you aware of it? How are you waiting? Are you the strong one or is God your Papa your strength? No matter how long you wait, God has your good in mind...and it's not for your glory but HIS.
Friday, January 16, 2015
The Climb
After yesterdays blog post, I reflected on the many people I know. I am grateful beyond measure for the richness of their friendship and acquaintance.
I want my readers to know that I primarily write for those within the body of Christ, the Church.
Each person I know is on a path. Some of our paths are not the same and some are quite similar. I don't know about you but I've walked some pretty grueling paths. One of the hardest was a path that led up to the top of Grouse Mountain, which is located on the North Shore of Vancouver. They call this trek the Grouse Grind. There are many people who have and continue to walk up this mountain and some run up it. I've done it a few times in my life (I was not a regular Grinder!) and quite challenging for the fittest person, to which I am not.
To do the grind, you have to keep your eyes focused on the path ahead of you and be mindful of your feet. You are essentially focused on reaching the top. There are no other options really. You can stop and take a breath and there are spaces to do that in the hike, but for the most part, it's a hard incline upwards. Our feet placement while climbing is important. Carefully planting our feet on a sure and solid part of the path is essential. There are times going up the grind where you stop to figure out the best place to take a step.
You have to begin to believe you can do it. That you can make it. Once you begin to doubt it, you begin to get weary, emotions take over and you may end up quitting and begin the decent, which is sometimes harder to do than the ascent. It's here in this place were we can admit that it's hard and that we're having trouble. I know that many times during my climb, I admitted that this was hard and I had to rest, but I had decided that I would get to the top. During the climb many people would pass me and encourage me...cheer me on as they zipped passed me.
We need this in our walk of sanctification. There will be many trials along the way and we need the company of others who are continuing the journey faithfully, not necessarily perfectly.
When I finally reached the top of the Mountain, I stood in awe of the amazing task that was completed, that I actually did it without collapsing. I walked around and looked beyond the trees to the ocean and city below. Beautiful view!
If I had given up, I would never have seen the view through the eyes of gratitude for the work it took. Sure I could have taken the gondola up, but I think I would have missed something really amazing...the climb.
So, I'm reminded of the path that God has shown me to walk. A path that can appear to be quite the climb, with narrow passages, tricky footing, but along the way God has given me amazing friends and family who encourage me, who speak truth, who shower me with grace, who always point me to Jesus...and this is where I find my rest in the climb.
I want my readers to know that I primarily write for those within the body of Christ, the Church.
Each person I know is on a path. Some of our paths are not the same and some are quite similar. I don't know about you but I've walked some pretty grueling paths. One of the hardest was a path that led up to the top of Grouse Mountain, which is located on the North Shore of Vancouver. They call this trek the Grouse Grind. There are many people who have and continue to walk up this mountain and some run up it. I've done it a few times in my life (I was not a regular Grinder!) and quite challenging for the fittest person, to which I am not.
To do the grind, you have to keep your eyes focused on the path ahead of you and be mindful of your feet. You are essentially focused on reaching the top. There are no other options really. You can stop and take a breath and there are spaces to do that in the hike, but for the most part, it's a hard incline upwards. Our feet placement while climbing is important. Carefully planting our feet on a sure and solid part of the path is essential. There are times going up the grind where you stop to figure out the best place to take a step.
You have to begin to believe you can do it. That you can make it. Once you begin to doubt it, you begin to get weary, emotions take over and you may end up quitting and begin the decent, which is sometimes harder to do than the ascent. It's here in this place were we can admit that it's hard and that we're having trouble. I know that many times during my climb, I admitted that this was hard and I had to rest, but I had decided that I would get to the top. During the climb many people would pass me and encourage me...cheer me on as they zipped passed me.
We need this in our walk of sanctification. There will be many trials along the way and we need the company of others who are continuing the journey faithfully, not necessarily perfectly.
When I finally reached the top of the Mountain, I stood in awe of the amazing task that was completed, that I actually did it without collapsing. I walked around and looked beyond the trees to the ocean and city below. Beautiful view!
If I had given up, I would never have seen the view through the eyes of gratitude for the work it took. Sure I could have taken the gondola up, but I think I would have missed something really amazing...the climb.
So, I'm reminded of the path that God has shown me to walk. A path that can appear to be quite the climb, with narrow passages, tricky footing, but along the way God has given me amazing friends and family who encourage me, who speak truth, who shower me with grace, who always point me to Jesus...and this is where I find my rest in the climb.
Tuesday, January 13, 2015
Another one bites the dust...compromise
Hebrews 12:1-4
Therefore
then, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses [who
have borne testimony to the Truth], let us strip off and throw aside every encumbrance (unnecessary weight) and that sin which so readily (deftly and cleverly) clings to and entangles us,
and let us run with patient endurance and steady and active persistence the
appointed course of the race that is set before us,
and let us run with patient endurance and steady and active persistence the
appointed course of the race that is set before us,
Looking away [from all that will distract] to Jesus, Who is the Leader and
the Source
of our faith [giving the first incentive for our belief] and is also its Finisher [bringing it to maturity and perfection]. He, for the joy [of obtaining the prize] that was set before Him, endured the cross, despising and ignoring the shame,
and is now seated at the right hand of the throne of God.
of our faith [giving the first incentive for our belief] and is also its Finisher [bringing it to maturity and perfection]. He, for the joy [of obtaining the prize] that was set before Him, endured the cross, despising and ignoring the shame,
and is now seated at the right hand of the throne of God.
Just think of Him Who endured from sinners such grievous opposition and
bitter hostility against Himself [reckon up and consider it all in
comparison with your trials],
so that you may not grow weary or exhausted,
losing heart and relaxing and fainting in your minds.
so that you may not grow weary or exhausted,
losing heart and relaxing and fainting in your minds.
You have not yet struggled and fought agonizingly against sin,
nor have you yet resisted and withstood to the point of pouring out your [own] blood.
I liken this to biting the dust of humanity. I started eating the dust of the human narrative that I was listening to, rather than the spiritual narrative, the manna of His provision.
*I want to make note here that even in my walking away from one loving community, God provided for me, friends that I still have today. Ones who inspired me to walk with my eyes open, who encourage me to love, create and these friends I love with a tremendous love, and though distance separates us, they are in my heart.
nor have you yet resisted and withstood to the point of pouring out your [own] blood.
As you read further in Hebrews 12 it goes on to talk about discipline a word we rarely like to talk about, especially discipline that comes from God. Does it really happen? Is our loving grace filled Papa one who disciplines? If he is loving and kind, yes, He does.
As a parent, if I let my child run rampant, loose, without teaching restraint and that there are consequences to actions that are disobedient, she will be a mess and I have not done a good job as a Father. If I don't teach her that she is not always going to get her way or everything that she wants, she will grow up entitled and desperate for instant gratification. People would look at me, talk about how bad a parent I am and hopefully someone would take me aside and show me my error.
I was reminded today that compromise is a dangerous game that we play. I think compromise is that sin that clings to and entangles us...it's that hindrance or encumbrance that we haven't thrown off, which begins to make room for more weight and soon disillusionment sets in and it confuses us to the truth.
We are so lazy. (I am preaching to the choir here...me!) I have not yet struggled and fought agonizingly against sin, nor have I yet resisted and withstood to the point of pouring out my own blood. Have you? Would you? Would you hate sin so much in your life that you would cry out in anguish? Would you wrestle with it with great intensity? Or would you compromise? A little here, a little there? Bend the rules here, bend them there? This isn't an easy scripture to read without doing some self reflection and ask the Lord to examine our lives...I know that this is something that I do when I read this. I realize that I am far from perfect, and that I'm a work in progress and it humbles me and keeps me desperately clinging to the cross...exclaiming to the Lord..."Lord Jesus, help me to not fall away from your precepts, your glorious ways...which are so much better than mine!"
Further in Hebrews 12 Esau sells his birth right his inheritance for a meal. A meal! He compromises for something he desired. He had a desire that birthed into something so great that he would sell his birth right for it. What a devastating choice.
Where do we do that in our lives? I sold my birth right! Yep, I did! When I was 30 years old, I decided to give birth to my own desires. The compromises were little to begin with, but they began to grow bigger and bigger. I began to believe the world's voice over God's, I began to believe God created me gay, I began to believe that grace was enough, and God loved me and accepted me as a gay man. These compromises took root and I began to water them and it pulled me away from a loving community that I was in, and I began to believe that they were just backwards, homophobic, unloving and that they had failed me. They didn't! I failed. I walked away, they didn't.
I liken this to biting the dust of humanity. I started eating the dust of the human narrative that I was listening to, rather than the spiritual narrative, the manna of His provision.
*I want to make note here that even in my walking away from one loving community, God provided for me, friends that I still have today. Ones who inspired me to walk with my eyes open, who encourage me to love, create and these friends I love with a tremendous love, and though distance separates us, they are in my heart.
I sold my birth right, my inheritance for a lavish meal of sexual expression and false identity. And I was extended grace, like the prodigal son, when I returned. God threw a party for me by surrounding me with an amazing community of believers...a crowd of witnesses, the glorious ones to whom is all my delight! (Psalm 16) These men and women, young and old, are here to encourage and keep me on the path of life. I need them and they need me. We aren't called to put our trust in them or our faith...that belongs to God, but they know their place in spurring me on, and I know my place.
So today, as I read yet another one, who has bitten the apple of compromise, my heart breaks with sorrow and grief and I won't callus my heart to not feel the disappointment and the hurt that this causes and I cry out for my brothers and sisters to stand firm in the faith, the race set before them.
Looking away [from all that will distract] to Jesus, Who is the Leader and
the Source
of our faith [giving the first incentive for our belief] and is also its Finisher [bringing it to maturity and perfection]. He, for the joy [of obtaining the prize] that was set before Him, endured the cross, despising and ignoring the shame,
and is now seated at the right hand of the throne of God.
of our faith [giving the first incentive for our belief] and is also its Finisher [bringing it to maturity and perfection]. He, for the joy [of obtaining the prize] that was set before Him, endured the cross, despising and ignoring the shame,
and is now seated at the right hand of the throne of God.
Just think of Him Who endured from sinners such grievous opposition and
bitter hostility against Himself [reckon up and consider it all in
comparison with your trials],
so that you may not grow weary or exhausted,
losing heart and relaxing and fainting in your minds.
so that you may not grow weary or exhausted,
losing heart and relaxing and fainting in your minds.
Thursday, January 08, 2015
Right Side?
We all wanna be on the right team! The right side, the one that wins! We'll do anything to be on that team right? We want to be upheld for our views and our thoughts. We want to be on the right side of culture. We don't want to offend or rock the boat. We want to stand up for injustice and be unafraid of oppressive bullies.
But what happens when being on the right team, the right side, means you will be insulted, torn apart, bullied, spat at, misinterpreted, misunderstood, talked about, beaten and put to death...kinda like being on Jesus' team!
What happens when being on the right team, the right side means; you holding to a view of holiness which makes you culturally awkward. Your conviction and views go contrary to the 'new way of thinking!' You're told you have to get with the times, be generous and spacious. Use new descriptive labels of identity, even though it makes you uneasy and you just don't know why, and all for the sake of being viewed as more welcoming.
I've been pondering these ideas as I read so many blogs. Whew there are a lot of blogs out there, trying to re-frame old ideas and old thoughts. Package them in new ways to make it more relevant and with the times, so that the young adults won't leave the church!
I sorta think that's hogwash! Now please, bear with me for a minute. There are revivals happening in other countries, where the church is growing at amazing rates and yet in the west it appears its in the decline.
http://www.cbn.com/cbnnews/world/2014/April/Revival-in-Land-Once-Hostile-to-Christ/
http://www.charismamag.com/spirit/revival/14745-the-biggest-revival-in-history
We can't say that's because we aren't relevant enough, or our music isn't loud or interesting enough, or that we haven't been adopting an affirming view on certain sin issues, or that the we haven't been seen as loving. Maybe the decline is that we are so gorged in instant everything that when it doesn't happen for us in the time we want, we get disillusioned and we throw everything away. We haven't gotten what we've been looking or asking for. If God makes us wait...then what? If we don't prosper in the way we think we should materially? What happens when someone calls us on our sin? Run or Repent?
Most times we run. I ran! I felt the Church didn't care for me in the way I needed, didn't meet my need, I didn't change in the way I had asked God to change me, and it just felt like being in Church meant my life was just one big NO! You can't do that...you certainly cannot do that...absolutely no to that!! So I threw that out, and walked away from friends, people who loved me and I adopted the cultural descriptive label...GAY.
Everything is permissible, not everything is profitable. What was permissible? Everything? I was free to make choices and decide how I was going to live, but not everything that I chose was profitable or to my benefit. A lot of the things I did, now have scarred my life and I live with some of the ramifications of my actions. The things I yoked myself to, people, riches, envy, covetousness, sex, self reliance, now a constant washing away. Adam and Eve made choices...oops, that's where it all began...free will and a decision that propelled us into 'born sinful'.
So can we get back to a vibrant Church? I think yes! But it means we repent. We begin to take every thought captive, we run with perseverance, we stay on the path of life. We unite together in love, doing whatever we can to be at peace, we hate sin as much as Jesus did (in our own lives, because the plank is always bigger in my eye). We become unafraid of others loving us well and calling us out of deception and submit rather than run. We authentically speak the truth with all the grace and mercy we have been extended. We refuse to bow to cultural gods and we rise as royal priests, heirs! We throw away attraction and embrace authenticity. There are no smoke screens, huge speakers, massive lights in Iran or Northern Africa where revivals are happening...and Christian's face the greatest persecution there...and they are still accepting Jesus.
What do they get that we don't? I don't want to answer that...but maybe they see their life as not their own? Maybe they get the fact that every part of their life is submitted to one true God? Maybe, just maybe they don't love their life so much that they aren't afraid of losing everything...and I mean everything. Can we say the same?
Could I not love my gay identity so much as to sacrifice that on the cross of Jesus, giving it and every part of my sexuality to God, to define in His Holiness? Rather than taking on that descriptive word so I am relevant to the world around me...so I could build bridges or foster generous spaces?
Psalm 16:5-7 read-
You, Lord, are all I want! You are my choice, and you keep me safe. You make my life pleasant, and my future is bright. I praise you, Lord, for being my guide. Even in the darkest night, your teachings fill my mind.
We are sometimes so afraid of being on the right or wrong side and yet God says there is a right and a wrong side...and I can't package that in a nice decorated and pretty present, it's truth, and when we get a revelation of that truth we find kindness, love, mercy and grace, which is eternal. That is my prayer for the Church. That we wouldn't love our lives so much...that we aren't afraid to throw off every hindrance, and run a good race...and that we would love God more than ourselves...and turn to Him in every situation that we face.
But what happens when being on the right team, the right side, means you will be insulted, torn apart, bullied, spat at, misinterpreted, misunderstood, talked about, beaten and put to death...kinda like being on Jesus' team!
What happens when being on the right team, the right side means; you holding to a view of holiness which makes you culturally awkward. Your conviction and views go contrary to the 'new way of thinking!' You're told you have to get with the times, be generous and spacious. Use new descriptive labels of identity, even though it makes you uneasy and you just don't know why, and all for the sake of being viewed as more welcoming.
I've been pondering these ideas as I read so many blogs. Whew there are a lot of blogs out there, trying to re-frame old ideas and old thoughts. Package them in new ways to make it more relevant and with the times, so that the young adults won't leave the church!
I sorta think that's hogwash! Now please, bear with me for a minute. There are revivals happening in other countries, where the church is growing at amazing rates and yet in the west it appears its in the decline.
http://www.cbn.com/cbnnews/world/2014/April/Revival-in-Land-Once-Hostile-to-Christ/
http://www.charismamag.com/spirit/revival/14745-the-biggest-revival-in-history
We can't say that's because we aren't relevant enough, or our music isn't loud or interesting enough, or that we haven't been adopting an affirming view on certain sin issues, or that the we haven't been seen as loving. Maybe the decline is that we are so gorged in instant everything that when it doesn't happen for us in the time we want, we get disillusioned and we throw everything away. We haven't gotten what we've been looking or asking for. If God makes us wait...then what? If we don't prosper in the way we think we should materially? What happens when someone calls us on our sin? Run or Repent?
Most times we run. I ran! I felt the Church didn't care for me in the way I needed, didn't meet my need, I didn't change in the way I had asked God to change me, and it just felt like being in Church meant my life was just one big NO! You can't do that...you certainly cannot do that...absolutely no to that!! So I threw that out, and walked away from friends, people who loved me and I adopted the cultural descriptive label...GAY.
Everything is permissible, not everything is profitable. What was permissible? Everything? I was free to make choices and decide how I was going to live, but not everything that I chose was profitable or to my benefit. A lot of the things I did, now have scarred my life and I live with some of the ramifications of my actions. The things I yoked myself to, people, riches, envy, covetousness, sex, self reliance, now a constant washing away. Adam and Eve made choices...oops, that's where it all began...free will and a decision that propelled us into 'born sinful'.
So can we get back to a vibrant Church? I think yes! But it means we repent. We begin to take every thought captive, we run with perseverance, we stay on the path of life. We unite together in love, doing whatever we can to be at peace, we hate sin as much as Jesus did (in our own lives, because the plank is always bigger in my eye). We become unafraid of others loving us well and calling us out of deception and submit rather than run. We authentically speak the truth with all the grace and mercy we have been extended. We refuse to bow to cultural gods and we rise as royal priests, heirs! We throw away attraction and embrace authenticity. There are no smoke screens, huge speakers, massive lights in Iran or Northern Africa where revivals are happening...and Christian's face the greatest persecution there...and they are still accepting Jesus.
What do they get that we don't? I don't want to answer that...but maybe they see their life as not their own? Maybe they get the fact that every part of their life is submitted to one true God? Maybe, just maybe they don't love their life so much that they aren't afraid of losing everything...and I mean everything. Can we say the same?
Could I not love my gay identity so much as to sacrifice that on the cross of Jesus, giving it and every part of my sexuality to God, to define in His Holiness? Rather than taking on that descriptive word so I am relevant to the world around me...so I could build bridges or foster generous spaces?
Psalm 16:5-7 read-
You, Lord, are all I want! You are my choice, and you keep me safe. You make my life pleasant, and my future is bright. I praise you, Lord, for being my guide. Even in the darkest night, your teachings fill my mind.
We are sometimes so afraid of being on the right or wrong side and yet God says there is a right and a wrong side...and I can't package that in a nice decorated and pretty present, it's truth, and when we get a revelation of that truth we find kindness, love, mercy and grace, which is eternal. That is my prayer for the Church. That we wouldn't love our lives so much...that we aren't afraid to throw off every hindrance, and run a good race...and that we would love God more than ourselves...and turn to Him in every situation that we face.
Tuesday, January 06, 2015
Did God save me so I could enslave me?
Psalm 16 descriptively talks about how our boundary lines have fallen in pleasant places and that God make known to us the path of life.
This chapter is rich in it's imagery and depth of our call to faithfully walk dependent on God. No where in this chapter does it say that all paths lead to God, nor does it read that we can have our cake and eat it too.
God didn't save me so that I could enslave me. In 2005, when I wasn't necessarily looking for God, He found me and called me out of a Gay identity, called me out of Egypt. I recently re-read my journal at that time and it is amazing that one week I was adamant that I was Gay and why couldn't people just get over it already and acknowledge that fact and the next week I was overcome with God's presence after hearing him tell me "You don't have to go back to Egypt!" I knew this call out wasn't going to be easy, nor was it going to miraculously turn all my attractions toward women only.
I began to faithfully steward my sexuality and sought out healing ministries to help heal some distorted thinking and views. Mainly, I needed Jesus and I encountered him, over and over again in my neediness. It wasn't necessarily only the ministry programs that helped, though I highly recommend them, but what I found was they constantly redirected me to look and find my healing in the person of Jesus, the Faithful Father God and the good work of the Holy Spirit who gives wisdom and revelation.
My sinfulness was taken by the sacrifice on the cross. I was free...or was I?
For quite some time I have been reading multiple articles and blogs and thoughts on the issue of homosexuality. A complex issue that is front and central in the Church today.
Who's on the right side and who's on the wrong side? Have we interpreted the Bible correctly, or incorrectly? Exegetical and hermeneutic words are being questioned, people's lives are being dissected, there are ideas of 'third ways', 'shades of grey', 'generous spaces', stories upon stories and I wonder to myself, WHY ME?
How did I get caught up in the whole wave of homosexuality?...YET GOD!...For years I have been writing, posting, sharing, living out my faith in a way that I believe God has called me to live. I am still brought back to the wilderness when God spoke clearly to my feeble cry. In that place I built an altar of remembrance. Who am I to question the almighty God, creator of all things. Who's ways are so much greater than ours...mine!
When people within the church read articles and they forward them to me, because they are intrigued with the messages, I quietly stop and exclaim...and "YET GOD!"
A God who is able to do exceedingly more for me than I can ever imagine. I cannot question that or dispel it.
No magic formula, no miraculous program...but God! Who in the midst of my continued struggle, defines me and gives me purpose, who shows me faithfulness, who pours out mercy and grace through the work of Jesus and propels me to persevere and continue on the race set before me.
So I'm bold enough to say, "God didn't save me so I could enslave myself to the sin of homosexuality!" and in my leaving the gay identity, God didn't then say to me "Kenny, I know you and formed you and called you out of being gay, but I've changed my mind and you really are gay, because I've noticed your attractions haven't changed enough!"
It's a thankfulness, that I am no longer enslaved to any sin, though I am sinful! That the course and trajectory of my life is a narrow path, where few make it, not a great big field where everything is acceptable.
It's this amazing love the grounds me in faithfulness, so I can love well enough, so I can be faithful because God is faithful, and where my life is defined not by my sexuality, or my ideas of gender, but rather by the one true God, creator of Kenneth Peter Warkentin, who formed and imagined me long before my parents ever did.
This chapter is rich in it's imagery and depth of our call to faithfully walk dependent on God. No where in this chapter does it say that all paths lead to God, nor does it read that we can have our cake and eat it too.
God didn't save me so that I could enslave me. In 2005, when I wasn't necessarily looking for God, He found me and called me out of a Gay identity, called me out of Egypt. I recently re-read my journal at that time and it is amazing that one week I was adamant that I was Gay and why couldn't people just get over it already and acknowledge that fact and the next week I was overcome with God's presence after hearing him tell me "You don't have to go back to Egypt!" I knew this call out wasn't going to be easy, nor was it going to miraculously turn all my attractions toward women only.
I began to faithfully steward my sexuality and sought out healing ministries to help heal some distorted thinking and views. Mainly, I needed Jesus and I encountered him, over and over again in my neediness. It wasn't necessarily only the ministry programs that helped, though I highly recommend them, but what I found was they constantly redirected me to look and find my healing in the person of Jesus, the Faithful Father God and the good work of the Holy Spirit who gives wisdom and revelation.
My sinfulness was taken by the sacrifice on the cross. I was free...or was I?
For quite some time I have been reading multiple articles and blogs and thoughts on the issue of homosexuality. A complex issue that is front and central in the Church today.
Who's on the right side and who's on the wrong side? Have we interpreted the Bible correctly, or incorrectly? Exegetical and hermeneutic words are being questioned, people's lives are being dissected, there are ideas of 'third ways', 'shades of grey', 'generous spaces', stories upon stories and I wonder to myself, WHY ME?
How did I get caught up in the whole wave of homosexuality?...YET GOD!...For years I have been writing, posting, sharing, living out my faith in a way that I believe God has called me to live. I am still brought back to the wilderness when God spoke clearly to my feeble cry. In that place I built an altar of remembrance. Who am I to question the almighty God, creator of all things. Who's ways are so much greater than ours...mine!
When people within the church read articles and they forward them to me, because they are intrigued with the messages, I quietly stop and exclaim...and "YET GOD!"
A God who is able to do exceedingly more for me than I can ever imagine. I cannot question that or dispel it.
No magic formula, no miraculous program...but God! Who in the midst of my continued struggle, defines me and gives me purpose, who shows me faithfulness, who pours out mercy and grace through the work of Jesus and propels me to persevere and continue on the race set before me.
So I'm bold enough to say, "God didn't save me so I could enslave myself to the sin of homosexuality!" and in my leaving the gay identity, God didn't then say to me "Kenny, I know you and formed you and called you out of being gay, but I've changed my mind and you really are gay, because I've noticed your attractions haven't changed enough!"
It's a thankfulness, that I am no longer enslaved to any sin, though I am sinful! That the course and trajectory of my life is a narrow path, where few make it, not a great big field where everything is acceptable.
It's this amazing love the grounds me in faithfulness, so I can love well enough, so I can be faithful because God is faithful, and where my life is defined not by my sexuality, or my ideas of gender, but rather by the one true God, creator of Kenneth Peter Warkentin, who formed and imagined me long before my parents ever did.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)