Into the New...out with the Old

This I call to mind

and therefore I have hope;

Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed,

for his compassions never fail.

They are new every morning;

great is your faithfulness.

Lamentations 3:21-23

So into the New. As I prepare to enter into 2006, I am prone to look back at 2005. With memories of a whirlwind direction change, both in my spiritual life as well as physical location.
I began the year quietly, with my now ex partner. Hoping for a better year ahead. 2004 was rocky with lots on our plate...new house, renovations, lots of cats/kittens and cat shows to go to. Top that all off, we had begun to distance ourselves from each other.
So by the time March of 2005 had sprung up...I had decided to end our relationship. Miserable is the key word here. I felt miserable before hand then extra miserable after. Second guessing what I had done. Trying to move forward.
Then God caught me off guard. He snuck in like a loving Father and a faithful friend. Who would have thought! Not I, nor any of my friends and especially not my ex partner.
My wilderness conversion experience was what God intended. He waited. I accepted.
So within a month, I was moving back to Winnipeg. Gave up my job, said goodbye to friends for the past 6 years and left. Transition is hard. Very hard.
I moved back and lived with my family for a while. Trying hard to cope with all the newness of this situation. Feeling a loss of everything, yet I had gained so much more in the realization of who God is to me.
So now looking back at those past 8 months of being home. It has not been all rosy. I have had some tough times. Miserable times. But in looking at those miserable times, I look at it with fresh eyes. Before I would have not felt guilty of acting out sexually or even felt bad. Now I feel the conviction of the Holy Spirit so evident in my life. Hard as that feels, it means that I am slowly being refined and told..."hey, love ya, that just ain't so good for you."
So what do I think of 2006? Who knows? I know that God has ordained my days. He has a plan to prosper me and to lift me out of my saddness and grief. He is strengthening me day by day. He is showing me that He loves me no matter what state I am in. That when I fail, He lifts me up and dusts me off. He continues to ask me to be open and talk about my failures...and reminds me of what it was like when I was not open...and the 8 years away from Him. In continuing to be open and honest, I am increasingly more aware of the pain and hurt that is still buried so deep within. That no matter what I do, God wants in to all areas. That nothing can seperate me from the love of Christ Jesus...even my own misconceptions, even my quietness, even my pain. So out with the old. As easy as that is to say here on the computer pad...it is still increasingly more difficult to verbalize thoughts and pain that have been racing in my mind for years.

2 Corithians 1:3-4

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ,

the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort,

who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.

I need to be reminded of that verse as I enter the new year. No matter the situation, God has compassion on me (us)...and as he showers me(us) with that compassion, that I(we) shower that to others who are having a hard time.

Blessings to a bright and beautiful 2006

Practising the Presence of God

"Finally, brethren,
whatsoever things are true,
whatsoever things are honorable,
whatsoever things are pure,
whatsoever things are lovely,
whatsoever things are of good report;
if there be any virtue and if there be any praise,
think on these things."
Phil 4:8

I have been really struggling with my mind and my emotions. Trying to stay focused, yet realizing my failures in my attempts to remain in focus.
If you read that sentence, there is a strong sense of "I" and "my".
My attempts...my failures, I have been struggling.
This week in my study for LW, it became increasingly clear to practise the presence of God.
How in the world to I practice that I thought. I like to keep busy, I like to do things that occupy my time, so that I do not think of anything...especially the struggle that wages war in my mind and in my desires.
Yes, I continue to bring things into the light and to surround myself with people who are committed in being my support. Yet, there is something lacking.
Today, as I was re-reading the lesson...I had a few "lightbulb moments".
One was very clear to me. It said that there is a part of me that will never be fully satisfied until I reach glory. That I can have the most intimate relationship here on earth, yet I will long with a deep ache for what is to come.
This brings me to my previous struggle with the question..."how come I can have a great time in worship and fellowship and yet still fall sexuall?" BINGO!
There is that vaccum inside of me that needs more, yet won't fully be filled until I reach heaven. Till I stand in the presence of the Almighty God and I will be filled to completion.
Second one, that I need to be still and quiet in the presence of God. To wait for Him.....and get this...all I have to do is "just be".
What? I do not have to do anything apart from just "being"?
So I practiced that today. I am stressed out because I have an exam this week, I am stressed about finances, stressed about this whole process of change, missing being with someone, knowing this Christmas could be so very, very hard for numerous reasons. Realizing that I ended a relationship because I had to...because it was not God's will for me...and that is hard, especially this time of year. Trying to stay positive. Trying to stay focused.
So I turned on some music...and kneeled. Hands stretched out...waiting. I did not have to wait long until I was laying on the floor, wailing for no reason....yet there was a reason. Floods of images came into my head. Floods of words. Images of being alone as a teenager. Images of me stepping into sin, images of me going against what God had intended for me. Feeling the overwelming sense of sorrow...for the sin I have done against God. Then the overwelming sense of Love that God has for me. I cried for Him to just hold me. Then there I was kneeling again, this time with outstretched hand and the warmth of his embrace...okay...can't explain it...it just happened. Then just basking in that for a long time. Tears of healing. I felt as if God was crying too. Crying for the pain and the sorrow that I felt, yet, telling me He will never leave me.
So, practising the presence. Practising to be still and quiet, when life seems out of control, when temptation is at every doorway. Practising when the desires within get overwelming.
I still acknowledge the importance of calling someone and letting them know if things get tough, but for me today, this is what my spirit needed.
So I go now to LW, open to hear more. Open to put things at the cross. Waiting with anticipation to see how this all unfolds before me.
Thanks to all of you who continue to support me in your prayers. I am praying for specifics at this time...where God wants me? I need His direction...not mine. I need to get out of debt, so I can be able to be more free in where God wants me to be.
Bless you!