So into the New. As I prepare to enter into 2006, I am prone to look back at 2005. With memories of a whirlwind direction change, both in my spiritual life as well as physical location.
I began the year quietly, with my now ex partner. Hoping for a better year ahead. 2004 was rocky with lots on our plate...new house, renovations, lots of cats/kittens and cat shows to go to. Top that all off, we had begun to distance ourselves from each other.
So by the time March of 2005 had sprung up...I had decided to end our relationship. Miserable is the key word here. I felt miserable before hand then extra miserable after. Second guessing what I had done. Trying to move forward.
Then God caught me off guard. He snuck in like a loving Father and a faithful friend. Who would have thought! Not I, nor any of my friends and especially not my ex partner.
My wilderness conversion experience was what God intended. He waited. I accepted.
So within a month, I was moving back to Winnipeg. Gave up my job, said goodbye to friends for the past 6 years and left. Transition is hard. Very hard.
I moved back and lived with my family for a while. Trying hard to cope with all the newness of this situation. Feeling a loss of everything, yet I had gained so much more in the realization of who God is to me.
So now looking back at those past 8 months of being home. It has not been all rosy. I have had some tough times. Miserable times. But in looking at those miserable times, I look at it with fresh eyes. Before I would have not felt guilty of acting out sexually or even felt bad. Now I feel the conviction of the Holy Spirit so evident in my life. Hard as that feels, it means that I am slowly being refined and told..."hey, love ya, that just ain't so good for you."
So what do I think of 2006? Who knows? I know that God has ordained my days. He has a plan to prosper me and to lift me out of my saddness and grief. He is strengthening me day by day. He is showing me that He loves me no matter what state I am in. That when I fail, He lifts me up and dusts me off. He continues to ask me to be open and talk about my failures...and reminds me of what it was like when I was not open...and the 8 years away from Him. In continuing to be open and honest, I am increasingly more aware of the pain and hurt that is still buried so deep within. That no matter what I do, God wants in to all areas. That nothing can seperate me from the love of Christ Jesus...even my own misconceptions, even my quietness, even my pain. So out with the old. As easy as that is to say here on the computer pad...it is still increasingly more difficult to verbalize thoughts and pain that have been racing in my mind for years.