Tuesday, December 06, 2005

Practising the Presence of God

"Finally, brethren,
whatsoever things are true,
whatsoever things are honorable,
whatsoever things are pure,
whatsoever things are lovely,
whatsoever things are of good report;
if there be any virtue and if there be any praise,
think on these things."
Phil 4:8

I have been really struggling with my mind and my emotions. Trying to stay focused, yet realizing my failures in my attempts to remain in focus.
If you read that sentence, there is a strong sense of "I" and "my".
My attempts...my failures, I have been struggling.
This week in my study for LW, it became increasingly clear to practise the presence of God.
How in the world to I practice that I thought. I like to keep busy, I like to do things that occupy my time, so that I do not think of anything...especially the struggle that wages war in my mind and in my desires.
Yes, I continue to bring things into the light and to surround myself with people who are committed in being my support. Yet, there is something lacking.
Today, as I was re-reading the lesson...I had a few "lightbulb moments".
One was very clear to me. It said that there is a part of me that will never be fully satisfied until I reach glory. That I can have the most intimate relationship here on earth, yet I will long with a deep ache for what is to come.
This brings me to my previous struggle with the question..."how come I can have a great time in worship and fellowship and yet still fall sexuall?" BINGO!
There is that vaccum inside of me that needs more, yet won't fully be filled until I reach heaven. Till I stand in the presence of the Almighty God and I will be filled to completion.
Second one, that I need to be still and quiet in the presence of God. To wait for Him.....and get this...all I have to do is "just be".
What? I do not have to do anything apart from just "being"?
So I practiced that today. I am stressed out because I have an exam this week, I am stressed about finances, stressed about this whole process of change, missing being with someone, knowing this Christmas could be so very, very hard for numerous reasons. Realizing that I ended a relationship because I had to...because it was not God's will for me...and that is hard, especially this time of year. Trying to stay positive. Trying to stay focused.
So I turned on some music...and kneeled. Hands stretched out...waiting. I did not have to wait long until I was laying on the floor, wailing for no reason....yet there was a reason. Floods of images came into my head. Floods of words. Images of being alone as a teenager. Images of me stepping into sin, images of me going against what God had intended for me. Feeling the overwelming sense of sorrow...for the sin I have done against God. Then the overwelming sense of Love that God has for me. I cried for Him to just hold me. Then there I was kneeling again, this time with outstretched hand and the warmth of his embrace...okay...can't explain it...it just happened. Then just basking in that for a long time. Tears of healing. I felt as if God was crying too. Crying for the pain and the sorrow that I felt, yet, telling me He will never leave me.
So, practising the presence. Practising to be still and quiet, when life seems out of control, when temptation is at every doorway. Practising when the desires within get overwelming.
I still acknowledge the importance of calling someone and letting them know if things get tough, but for me today, this is what my spirit needed.
So I go now to LW, open to hear more. Open to put things at the cross. Waiting with anticipation to see how this all unfolds before me.
Thanks to all of you who continue to support me in your prayers. I am praying for specifics at this time...where God wants me? I need His direction...not mine. I need to get out of debt, so I can be able to be more free in where God wants me to be.
Bless you!

1 comment:

SoulPastor said...

Thanks for being transparent!
I will be praying specifically for you today!!!