Yes, something new is happening deep within me. There are times when I am not so sure what is happening but I know it is the processing of the Holy Spirit...and a prayer that I sent out one afternoon.
I have not blogged for a while...I think I needed a rest. Not that I have got one, but I have been able to focus on talking out loud which is something new for me. It is something I feared more than anything. Why? Because I have a fear of man. What is that person thinking about what I am saying? Am I accepted or will I be rejected? That kinda thoughts. So I have been praying lots in that area...submitting it to God. Confessing my fear...asking for more of Him...and less of me.
It has been a busy month. I picked up a part time job, to go with my full time job, as well as taking a university course and being involved in the Living Waters program. Plus, trying to keep up with getting together with people so that I do not feel too alone. So I have had little time to sit.
But I have been having some nudges and some ah ha moments.
I went to Missionfest for the first time in my life. I was expecting to meet stuffy christians...you know, kinda nerdy...social outcasts...who have to do missions because that is all that life has for them...WHAM!!!! God meets me in a HUGE way. I wept and wept and even now, as I reflect on that weekend, I weep some more. I met wonderful people...who's hearts are on fire. Who LOVE God and are willing to give up all earthy pleasures in this world to serve their Father and to spread his love to others. Okay, what is more important than that.
It got me reflecting on what happened nearly a year ago. Last year in March, is when God met me in a huge way.
I was walking aimlessly in life. Seeking something that would give me pleasure...anything. I wasn't finding it. I remember the commutes to work and I would stare out the window and look at the sunrise and the sun rays casting spectacular colors on the clouds and I would just be in awe. Now, reflecting back, I know that those moments are ones that God gave me prior to him speaking to me. I believe it was his way of showing me how awesome he is...kinda wooing me back to him. Almost always the sunrises took my breath away. I am a very visual person. Beauty, especially in nature is often where I find my deepest comfort.
So at Missionfest, I felt the nudge...a simliar nudge that I got years and years ago. "But God...how can you use me...look where I am and where I came from...I am so broken." Yet, I felt the nudge so strongly. I was listening to people tell stories of trusting in God fully. For everything and I went home and prayed "God, I am open for you to use me in whatever way. I am willing...and I trust in you."
I think that when you pray that prayer something new starts happening. It opens the door for God to move in. You are giving him the authority to take charge...and use you. So in the midst of my struggle and my pain, I offer myself to God to be used.
My part time job is working at The House of Hesed...a transition house for those with HIV and aids. It has given me so much perspective and it has taken the eyes off of me. I have to pray for strength, courage and sometimes I just go and cry in the office.
I am reminded of the song...
Blessed be your name...
on a road marked with suffering
there is pain in the offering
blessed be your name.
Then last weekend, I worked the weekend and then a double shift on monday. So I have been bagged. So sunday, I thought...okay, I will go to the early service at church and then relax before work. Well, God had something else in store. I did not make it to the early service or late one, but a friend gave me the Summit leadership DVD's from Willowcreek to watch. So I proceeded to watch them. Again...WHAM!!! A God moment.
I felt that nudge...again of laying down my life to serve God full time. Ministry? What God me?
So I have been praying about that. Meditating on that and not worrying about it...okay maybe a little...live by faith? Not have a steady income? What about my debts, they look too overwelming? I try not to be overwelmed.
But I lay down my identity, my income and my influence. For if I do, God will use those things I lay down and make it come alive. It is all about him. My hearts cry this weekend and it continues to be...GOD USE ME!!!! What I have is not mine anyway. Nothing belongs to me. I was made for God! To be used by Him as a vessel, an instrument!
So then at Living Waters, it was on the healing of the masculine. I went through the material early so I could meditate on it and so when the teaching happened, I prayed that I would allow the holy spirit to do the work, I wanted to just give all the pain over. I started getting pictures and flash backs of times of real painful moments...of harsh words slung at me, of being left alone...of the abuse! Of feeling so alone. Then the leaders prayed for the men and all of a sudden my heart is beating a mile a minute, I am feeling like I could wail. To lose it in front of all these people. I just could not open my mouth. I felt it all go down...my throat swelling shut. After the ministry session, they asked if anyone still needed prayer...okay, walk to the front...ask..."I can't seem to open my mouth to let the pain out...I feel it so deep" The leader says, it looked like you could just wail!!!! Okay, I ask for prayer...within a few moments, I am wailing, stomping my feet, feeling anger, pain, disappointment...yet feeling safe to let go, finally of so much. I know that there is probably more deep down that needs to be let out, but I feel like my voice is stronger. That I am not so ashamed of letting my emotions out...and sharing that pain with people who care enough to walk me to Christ.
So something new is going on...it's not scary anymore. I am actually a bit excited in what is happening. My alone times with God have taken on a different feeling. Being able to just talk with him. Tell him what is going on and the crap I feel and the joy I experience.
So I hold on to the robes, casting my cares at the cross and prepare for the ride of my life! Who ever said this would be boring...oh ya...that was me!!!
Psalm 90:14-17
Satisfy us each morning with your unfailing love, so we may sing for joy to the end of our lives. Give us gladness in proportion to our former misery! Replace the evil years with good. Let us, your servants see you work again. Let our children see your glory. And may the Lord our God show us his approval and make our efforts successful, yes, make our efforts successful.
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