just some thoughts...

Since I do not have TV, nor do I read the newspaper (much), there are those who may think I am living in the dark ages...or deciding to remain ignorant about issues that are being raised in Government and the world around me.

1st...my life is not governed by the world, nor the government that is around me. Yes, I follow the laws of the land, pay my taxes, because that is law. Yet, my final resting ground is not here, and my faith is in the eternal, not the here and now.

It has become more and more disturbing to read and listen to hate speeches, and I have been increasingly more disturbed with those who consider me a part of the problem, because of my faith. The notion that I hate gays or lesbians, the notion that I hate those who abort their babies...right up to the due date, because it's legal!! They assume things because I believe in Jesus Christ. I believe in the radical move of the Holy Spirit. It was interesting today, listening to the farse..."Prop 8 - The Musical" depicting Jesus Christ as someone just spewing "love", and not hate...and yet the farse is just that! Depicting Christian's who are all the same...all dressed in black and white...stuffy and back country. Of just accepting one part of the Bible and not the rest. Please don't give me that garbage as an excuse when the makers of this Farse...believe the same thing. If you are not living what the Bible says, or supporting it as a whole piece of God ordained and inspired piece of work...then don't use it as something as a weapon against another person.

What was interesting is the way it made fun of itself, depicting the issue of just acceptance of gay and lesbian marriage...and the issue of making money off of it. That everyone should just accept it and make money off the whole issue.

It shows me that they really don't take it serious, that it is just another issue to raise...and maybe we could also say agenda to be placed on the table of parliament, and pushing the envelope of hatred itself.

I truly believe that we are in the days of Noah, that we have been here before, and this time, we are treading on very thin ice. That Jesus is coming back and that He does not come on a little pony, with daisies in his hair...speaking...love...and peace, rather, he is a savior who is coming back as a warrior, on a strong horse, proclaiming that His kingdom has come...and it will come as a great shock to many people. I pray for mercy and grace...I pray for repentance to happen and a turning toward holiness...I pray for radical conversions and repentance of sin.

Lord have mercy!

Bill C-484 Is there a bigger problem?

As a man, I do not take woman’s issues lightly, nor do I take children’s rights lightly. And, as a man I will not even entertain voting for a candidate who does not support Bill C-484, which recognizes that harming a fetus (baby) an act of violence against the woman carrying it as a criminal offence. This bill respects the right toward fetal (baby) rights.
I have read articles on the Unborn victims of Crime Act and applaud the bill. We continue to debate whether or not it “infringes on women’s rights, and people can only assume that it would likely result in harm against pregnant women, and we can only assume this, as this bill has not yet been passed.
In one article, someone writes that it “could” criminalize pregnant women for behaviors perceived to harm their fetuses (babies). What behaviors are we talking about? Drinking, drugs? We already know that behaviors like this do affect fetuses (babies).
What is more interesting is the fact that here in Canada, there is no abortion law, and a woman can have an abortion right up to her due date, yet, if she gives birth even at 20 weeks, Doctors try to safe the life of the baby. Despite the fact that the baby will usually have health issues for the rest of their lives, which burdens the health care system.
We have rights for women. That is great. Yet, who is protecting the right of a fetus (baby)?
If we believe that this fetus (baby) can survive even at 20 weeks, then we have to have laws in place to protect that fetus (baby) because they too have a right to be protected against harm.
Maybe the bigger issue to this is the reality that our culture really doesn’t care one way or the other about people? Be they fetuses (babies) or children, or adults. Maybe we live in a world that is so “me” centered that who really cares about another person’s life. Who really cares about a fetus (baby) who can get injured or killed by crime? Who really cares about the woman who carries the fetus (baby)? Who really cares for the children who walk the streets, because they have parents who don’t give a crap about them? Who really cares for the sick who are unable to care for themselves? Who really cares for the handicapped people, they are just a burden anyway, they can die in hospital waiting rooms? Who really cares for someone who is being beaten up, right in front of us? Who cares for the prostitute on the street corner? Who really cares for the elderly in a seniors home or in a run down apartment?
I think there is a deeper issue here in regards to rights, and the respecting of rights. Until we as a nation, care for others, who really cares?
But for me, as a man, as a husband, as a father, I believe in social justice, and I believe in caring for people, regardless! Be that a fetus (baby), an infant, child, adolescent, adult, elderly, handicapped…and the list goes on. I commend any one who supports the two Conservative Candidates in Winnipeg who support this bill. There should be more!

Days of Noah

Are we in the days of Noah?

Where people drank, lived a life of merriment, laughing, scoffing. When people will scoff at those who believe, conservatively and not necessarily scoff at the "liberal theology, that anything goes".

Today, I was reminded of who God is...and His heart for me...and His children. I was reminded of the cost of following Christ.

There is a cost! When you believe in Christ, it is not just..."let's love people..." but it is allowing him to refine and change you. It means getting into the trenches and realizing that the very act of the cross means more than just "loving others" it means that Christ came to change people.

So when we start believing that...the Bible's translation by man is marred, and that the word of God does not mean what it says, and that really anything goes...because once you start thinking that one sin issue is okay, then really, it is all okay.

Some people have said I am a fool to believe that I can change from a gay identified man to one that is not. Some people say that I am suppressing and some people say that my marriage is a fake, and some people say that just because I am still tempted means that nothing has changed. These people are saying I am a fool. These people are saying that no one has changed or can change...and these people then do not believe in Jesus...the Christ who is in the habit of change. He is in the profession of radically changing people. Christ came for me! He came to make things right, not wrong.

Today, I reminded someone that I have been on both sides of the coin here. I have lived both lives. Actually I am ex ex ex gay! Yet...even that is not what defines me. I am a follower of Christ, who believes radically in His word. Not because, I am hoping I don't miss out when he comes again (you know the better believe in him, because it is a win win situation...and if Jesus doesn't exist then I did not miss anything anyway!)
I love JESUS! I love what he has done and continues to do in my life. I had a life altering moment with God which radically changed me. Hear me...He changes me, not me changing myself. Maybe this is simplistic...maybe to some naive...but it is the story that God is writing in my life...not the other way around.

So I think we are in the days of Noah...which is the days of the coming of the King. People get ready, Jesus is coming...and I think we may be in for a shock!

INJUSTICE

NEWS FLASH!!! Brad Pitt donating money...again. Here is the clip found on the web. I will interject my own thoughts through out the article.


Brad Pitt has donated a staggering $106,312 to help fight Californian ballot Proposition 8, which would take away gay couples' right to marry.
Brad Pitt has donated a staggering $106,312 to support gay couples' right to marry.

The 'Burn After Reading' actor - who previously revealed he would not marry partner Angelina Jolie until everyone in America is "legally able" to marry whoever they want - gave the money to help fight Californian ballot Proposition 8, which aims to take away the homosexual community's right to wed.

In a statement, Brad said: "Because no one has the right to deny another their life, (I WONDER THEN...WHAT IS BRAD'S VIEW ON ABORTION. THAT IS A LIFE, AND WOULD HE FUND OR DONATE MONEY TO HELP SAVE THE LIFE OF CHILDREN? WOULD HE GIVE TO NON PROFIT ORGANIZATIONS THAT OFFER ANOTHER ALTERNATIVE TO ABORTION? NO ONE HAS THE RIGHT TO DENY ANOTHER THEIR LIFE...PARENTS INCLUDED!) even though they disagree with it, because everyone has the right to live the life they so desire if it doesn't harm another and because discrimination has no place in America, my vote will be for equality and against Proposition 8." (NO ONE HAS THE RIGHT TO END A LIFE, EVEN IF THEY DISAGREE WITH IT. BECAUSE EVERYONE HAS THE RIGHT TO LIVE THE LIFE THEY SO DESIRE...WHICH INCLUDES BABIES...WHO HAVE NO RIGHTS)

Brad's donation is the largest given to the anti-Proposition 8 campaign by an A-list celebrity so far.

(OKAY, THOSE A-LIST CELEBRITIES WHO ARE CHRISTIAN...NEED TO STEP UP TO THE PLATE AND GIVE TO ORGANIZATIONS THAT PROMOTE LIFE, SOCIAL JUSTICE, AND TO ORGANIZATIONS THAT OFFER A DIFFERENT APPROACH, WHICH IS NOT DISCRIMINATION, IT IS GIVING TO AN ORGANIZATION THAT PROMOTES HEALTH, WHOLENESS AND AN ALTERNATIVE TO SOCIETIES NORM. IT IS GIVING TO PROVIDE AGAINST DISCRIMINATION AGAINST PASTORS, CHRISTIAN LEADERS WHO WILL BE FORCED TO MARRY AGAINST THEIR BELIEF SYSTEMS. BEING FORCED TO DO SOMETHING AGAINST YOUR WILL/THOUGHTS AND BELIEFS IS ALSO DISCRIMINATION...SO BRAD PITT IS ACTUALLY PROMOTING DISCRIMINATION.)

Political strategist Chad Griffin added: "It is our hope that others in the entertainment industry will step up and match Brad Pitt's heroic commitment to quality and defeating Proposition 8."
The 44-year-old actor's decision to donate the money comes just a week after Brad and Angelina - who has previously enjoyed lesbian relationships (THIS HAS TO BE THROWN IN...WHY? WHO CARES IF SHE PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED LESBIAN RELATIONSHIPS...SHE IS NOT A LESBIAN...OR ELSE SHE WOULDN'T BE WITH BRAD PITT)- were ranked in sixth position on Parade magazine's list of the most generous celebrities in the world, after giving away $8.9 million of their own money to charitable causes in 2007.

MY COMMENTS ARE THE BOLD ONES. WHAT REALLY GOT ME IS THE STATEMENT MADE IN THE BEGINNING ON EVERYONE HAS THE RIGHT TO LIVE A LIFE THEY DESIRE, EVEN IF OTHERS DO NOT AGREE. SEEING THE ADOPTIONS THAT BRAD AND ANGELINA HAVE DONE, I BELIEVE THAT MAYBE BRAD SHOULD DONATE TO END ABORTION. WHICH DOES NOT GIVE THE BABY THE RIGHT TO LIVE THAT LIFE THAT THEY DESIRE...EVEN THOUGH THE PARENTS DO NOT AGREE.

ANOTHER ISSUE IS THAT HERE WE HAVE A-LIST ACTORS WHO THINK THEY ARE SO MUCH MORE POWERFUL JUST BECAUSE THEY HAVE MONEY. THAT IS CRAP. THEY ARE ACTORS, AND I HAVE KNOW A FEW IN MY LIFE, AND SOME YOU NEVER KNOW WHO THEY REALLY ARE, THEY ACT ALL THE TIME. THEY ARE JUST LIKE ANY OTHER PERSON ON THE FACE OF THE PLANET...THEY HAVE MADE SOME MOVIES...THAT'S IT. THEY'VE BEEN OVER PAID...THAT'S IT. NOW THEY SWING THEIR MONEY HERE AND THERE, EXPECTING PEOPLE TO APPLAUD THEIR EFFORTS. A GOOD EXAMPLE IS OPRAH...WHO DOESN'T LEAD BY EXAMPLE...SHE SOUNDS GREAT ON AIR, DOES SOME GOOD THINGS HERE AND THERE, YET, LIVES A LIFE OF EXTREME. EXTREME WEALTH, WHEN MILLIONS OF PEOPLE DIE EVERY DAY BECAUSE THEY LACK WATER, SHELTER, HEALTH. SHE COULD ACTUALLY LIVE ON PROBABLY 10% OF WHAT SHE BRINGS IN...AND SHE COULD GIVE THE REST AWAY. FANCY THAT IDEA. BUT WE IDEALIZE THEM AND PLACE THEM SO FAR ABOVE THE ORDINARY PERSON. OPRAH SAYS SOMETHING AND WE ALL HOLD OUR BREATH...AH...WORDS OF WISDOM!?!?! COMING FROM HER?
WHEN WILL SOCIETY SEE THE HYPOCRISY IN REGARDS TO CELEBRITIES! WHEN WILL SOCIETY FORGET ABOUT A-LIST ACTORS, OPRAH WINFREY'S AND STAND UP FOR THEMSELVES RATHER THAN WAITING FOR AN A LIST ACTOR TO DO THIS OR THAT.
WHEN WILL SOCIETY STOP THE CELEBRITIES MAKING THE NEWS...AND STAND UP FOR POVERTY, INJUSTICE, WHICH CELEBRITIES...COULDN'T CARE LESS ABOUT.

OKAY...ONE RANT DONE! MAYBE I'LL JUST WATCH A MOVIE...HA!

Grief...

The words, "let me know what we can do to help!", or a friendly pat on the shoulder...as they walk by. As I gulp down the verge of exploding in tears and wailing. Noticing my wife sitting amongst women, in a circle, no one really saying anything, rather, they are just sitting embracing my wife, as tears ebb down her face.

I stand off to the side, alone, taking in the sight of her, shedding the tears for our babies, the ones we won't hold in our arms, the ones we won't watch take their first step, say their first word, graduate, marry, birth their own children.

I stand alone, an occasional glance, a pat on the back, a nod in my direction. I stand, a pillar, a shadow. Maybe I am overly sensitive, maybe I care too much. Maybe my heart is too big. What I do know is that my sense of loss is huge. I have always dreamed of having a large family, many children. My own and those whom I would take in.

Through my own decisions I walked away for 10 years, my 30's. I walked away from a time when many people are planning children. I was absorbed in my own life, getting my own needs met. Now...I long to see my wife, birth. I long to see her beam as she holds our children in her arms. I long to hold them in my arms, against my chest, so they know they are safe, secure. I long to wipe their tears, teach them to pray.

Grief. A fathers grief...often forgotten. Comfort the mother, the wife, as the man stands off, a shadow of what he used to be.

I have learnt from watching, and learnt from my grief, what not to do. Maybe that is what God is doing. Maybe God is showing me what not to say, what not to do. I know that I can shelter my pain, hide it away from people, because, if I let it go...it would look messy, unattractive...unappealing. Maybe it is my own pride that stands in the way of my own grief.

I have made it to the place where anger and sadness are friends. I have made it to the place where I realize my own vulnerabilities, and need to move it to the next rung of the ladder. I need to lay it down. I can't carry it any more, I can't burden it any longer.

No matter where you are in the journey, grief stinks, grief is debilitating, yet grief is a way of saying, you have a heart, you feel, you are alive, you are human. I have said and continue to say to people, that it is important to grieve and to walk that through in a variety of differnt ways. Now, I stand in a differnt area of grief, the loss of children and the loss of dreams and the loss of what could have been.

I am challenged to find the words that I have spoken to others, and put that into practice. I have found that I need to go to the cross, I need to go to my Heavenly Papa, and give it to him, to go to him, for comfort and support and for my refuge.

I can say, it will be okay, and I can see it being okay, yet right now, it's not okay. It's not okay. I am not okay. I am a mess. I am not together...and I don't care that I am not. My mind wanders. I forget. I can forget what I did the night before. I don't care to phone someone, and tell them how I am doing. I don't care to continually make excuses for my lack of enthusiasm, or lack of energy. I could sleep all day. That is grief. I am tired of apologizing for my lack of leadership and tired of explaining that I am feeling like I am going to crack up at any given time. I am tired of not crying, and feeling angry.

Some days, that is how I feel. Some days, I feel joy, happiness, and believe it will be all okay. I sometimes have hope that we will carry to term, and I will one day hold babies in my arms, babies who are a part of me and part of my wife. I still dream of that. I still long for that. I can be present, I can be focused, I can minister to others, yet I also know my vulnerability in the change of direction that I can go. It could be a reminder of fatherhood, it could be a picture, a thought, an image. It could be just the emptiness in my arms and heart.

I guess this is just me, and where I am at. I guess, I could say that I am okay, but I'm not...and that's okay. I am okay with it. I just wish sometimes that others would be okay with it too.

been a long time

Today, I am tired.

I am tired of being tired. I realize that when things are hard at work, it makes it challenging to be upbeat. I am a pretty optimistic person, and when that starts leaving then I can get pretty funky!!

My saving grace is home...and it being a sanctuary for me...and my wife, who I am so in love with. I thank God for her...and for Him bringing her into my life, to bring me balance and I am thankful that she believes in healthy guidelines on how to live life as a couple. I love it that she loves God more than me. Hmmm, crazy but true.

So, we face challenges...many.

For the most part, I am someone who loves and needs to write. To pen things down on paper or computer. To get my thoughts fully out of my head, this is what I need to do. I have been challenged to be more 'relational' to communicate out of my mouth, but what happens for me is that I am a slow thinker. I am not quick, so my responses to questions come later...once meetings are up, or when people leave. I think..."why didn't I say that?"

So I write, and sadly I have not been doing that lately and it has been showing. My mind seems to not be as focused...that could be the amount of things on my plate, it could be the grieving (which I put the money on). We had someone come and talk with us about loss, and to grieve that loss. She also told us what our bodies would do in the grieving stage...and yes...to everything she said. Anger, forgetfulness, loss of appetite, increased appetite...sleepiness...the list goes on.

We are trying our best to be healthy, to look after ourselves and each other in the midst of this all. Plus, look after the house, get things done here. It is a challenge but it makes us press in to God more. Both of us feel that.

On that note...What I am saying is that I miss my blog, miss writing. I have been in communication with a few people about issues and have been expressing myself more, and letting others know me again. It is good. After I got married...someone told me that they missed Kenn. What has happened is Kenn has evolved and become the Kenny that he was always meant to be. The man that he was supposed to be in all areas of his life.

So here's to evolution...or in other terms, restoration, redemption. Jesus is good, Papa is amazing...and all is well.