Give Me Cake

 

Today, I got thinking of cake.  This weekend I decided to make some banana cake that my neighbor makes which is totally delicious.  By far it is the best banana cake I have ever had.  I felt strange asking her for the recipe because the cake is that good.  Sometimes when its that good people don't want to share or it almost feels sacred!

But, she shared.  As I looked at the recipe and got all the ingredients out, I realized that I was missing vanilla.  Oh no! It won't taste the same without that.  I knew that I was going to be sharing the cake with my neighbor so I hoped that I wouldn't bomb at making it. Again, there is this sacredness to a recipe that I felt a bit worried about. What would she think?  

I looked in the cupboard and found that I had just enough almond extract and so I shifted the recipe ever so slightly and included that instead of vanilla.  As the cake baked, I made the icing and again, I veered off ever so slightly from the recipe.  When I took the cake out, I sampled it and I have to admit, it was pretty darn amazing.  After it cooled, I iced it and tried another piece...okay...that was it, I had taken a recipe that was already so good and made a few twists and it came out just different enough for it to be a stand alone recipe from the original.  It was really good.

Why am I sharing this experience?  

About a month ago, I was asking the Lord to answer my hearts cry to be renewed in an area of my life that I felt was in need of rejuvenation.  Sometimes in life, we get comfortable, and I had gotten that way since this whole pandemic started. Even to the point that I was unsure that I wanted to even be in ministry anymore.  This felt too difficult and I was tired.  Maybe leave all this stuff to others and just let me be.  Yet, inside I knew that this was a fleshly response and so I began to cry out for a revival.  REVIVE ME GOD.  

Less than a week later someone asked if they could come and meet and just read scripture, sing or pray together. I was game.

They came and sat down in the corner of my office and began to read the account of Elijah running away from Jezebel.  (1 Kings 19)

Elijah was afraid and he ran for his life.  He cries out to the Lord, "It is enough; now, O Lord, take away my life, for I am no better than my fathers." Then he lays down and sleeps under a broom tree.  There an angel touched him and said, "Arise and eat". There Elijah looked and saw a cake baked on hot stones and a jar of water. He ate and lay down again. Then he falls asleep again. Again the Angel touched him and said, "Arise and eat, for the journey is too great for you." So Elijah did what was told him.  He eat and drank and then went in the strength of that for 40 days and 40 nights. 

It goes on to say that Elijah came to a cave and dwelt within. The world of the Lord came to him and asked him what he was doing and Elijah proclaimed that He has been very jealous for the Lord, the God of hosts and that all the people of Israel had forgotten your covenant, and thrown down altars, killed prophets and here he is the only one left, and they are after him to take his life.  

The Lord's response? Go out and stand on the mount before the Lord and there was a strong wind, an earthquake, a fire...and the Lord was not in that...but there came a still small voice, a whisper...and Elijah covered his face.

Afterwards God told Elijah what to do and he obeyed.  

As this scripture was being read, I knew the Holy Spirit was speaking to me.  What I heard was a still small voice...which spoke: "Fear Not, your new response to every thing that you will ever face in life is fear not."

All I could do was weep.  Not with tears of sorrow or grief, but tears of joy.  The Lord was asking me to eat some cake, the cake of His Words which were coming to sustain me and send me forth into ministry and his kingdom work.  This felt like a new anointing.  A new charge and I received it.  It felt very similar to the words spoke to me 18 year ago when I heard God say "You don't have to go back to Egypt" and my life took a dramatic shift as I surrendered everything to follow Him.

So, it seems that I am surrendering again.  I'm asking the Lord to feed me in a new way, and my response is Lord, give me cake!  This new cake is slightly different and I need it for this season, to live a life of godliness and a life surrendered to you.  All for your kingdom and your glory. Come Holy Spirit Come.

Check That Anger

Have you ever felt like your life is going from one explosion to another?  Feelings of isolation, disconnection, aloneness, insecurities, fear and pain from past failures or hurts done to you.

Left unchecked our emotions, leave us vulnerable to emotional/physical explosions, which not only affect us personally but those around us, our families, friends, work colleagues and neighbors. These explosions come in varying forms, and we cope with it in varying ways.

Let's look at anger. 

Now, anger is not entirely bad.  It's a mechanism to help us discover that we may need to unpack deeper emotions.  Experiencing anger can be yelling or constantly getting frustrated with someone or something. You can respond to others by ignoring them, answering them in short curt ways, using sarcasm, snide or degrading comments. The word of God tells us that what comes out of our mouth is what is coming from our heart. Our heart is what we think. It is the place where we store up all of our experiences (good and bad)

Luke 6:45 is sobering words for us; "A good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and an evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For the mouth speaks what the heart is full of."

and Proverbs 4:23 which says, 'Guard your heart with all diligence, for from it flows springs of life.'

Given these verses, how do we do this? How can we experience a new response other than anger?  It's allowing the Holy Spirit to reveal to you, your heart.  'Search me Lord, see if there is any wicked way in me and lead me to understanding!' Maybe fast for awhile, or remove entertainment, social media, shopping, drinking or whatever you feel like you are turning to, to find comfort. Maybe that is even in relationships if you find your meaning and purpose from others. Listening to the Lord in your quiet place and then allow him to minister healing to the underlying pain or sin that he wants to address.

One of the areas in my life that comes up every once in awhile are my own disappointments in life choices. Truth be told, when I face a situation that reminds me of past failures, or when I don't have a solution to a problem, emotions can come to the surface such as pain, shame and self pity and this begins to paralyze me. I'm reminded of the bullying, broken boundaries, and the sense that I often felt like I lacked more instructions on what I needed to face as an adult. (at the time I had no language to seek help) This caused me to walk in a false sense of independence. Trying to figure out life and all its complexities, with an attitude of  'you can't tell me what to do'. But under all of that is still someone who needs encouragement and guidance.

The best response in all of this is to surrender. To hand over all the disappointments over to Jesus which is a catalyst to healing. Giving Jesus our past poor choices and allowing ourselves to grieve the reasons behind it and then move on is huge. I think that’s the art of forgiveness. Where you forgive others and also forgive yourself, you choose to no longer shame yourself into apathy or self deprecation, which just cripples oneself to moving on toward the prize set before us and lose sight of the good still all around you.

If you find yourself wondering about your explosions, anger, or how you are responding to others, seek out someone to pray with you. Someone who will listen with you to the voice of Jesus who forgives all your sin, who offers you hope even in the face of uncertainty, peace in the midst of turmoil, joy even in your pain and an opportunity to encounter his eternal love that he has for you, each and every day.

Posture in the Storm

It's been a long time since I've written on this blog.  Life has a way of grabbing hold of more of my attention and I lacked the desire and fortitude to journal.  This blog is in essence a platform to publicly journal and that was the why in creating it.  I've learned so much in the course of almost 20 years or blogging and journaling in the secret place.  

Most of the learning in this format is to know what to share, how much and is my perspective clear, right or honorable.  I've made terrible mistakes in writing and presenting my story, and those are mistakes I cannot take back but learn from.  Thankfully, there is grace in this place, to own the mistakes and move on accordingly.

One of the most significant things I am learning is that our battle is not one of flesh and blood...but rather a spiritual one that takes precision and being fully awake to comprehend what is happening.  One of the greatest things I believe God is showing me is my response to the storms and trials of life.  The things that are seeking to take me off course.

Over the course of the last several years I have encountered storms of many kinds, which have impacted me on many levels.  Some of them have paralyzed me in grief and depression, while others have caused me to isolate in ways of entertainment and eating, rather than being emotionally present with acknowledging my need, and some have caused me to be unshaken, unfurled by the winds and waves and I see God in the midst of all of this.  A God who is full of grace and mercy and love, always there for me and always desiring that I turn to him first and foremost.

One of these storms has been walking with my wife who has a chronic illness.  I have to be honest, there have been many times I was unable to adequately support her.  I was helpless and had no clue how to 'fix this'.  Maybe that is a typical response for a man, but I wanted desperately for her to be well, for her to live a life of abundance and yet I saw my wife many times crumpled in pain, unable to get out of bed and my helplessness in this place.  

This was a storm and I was faced not so much with my wife's illness, but rather my response or lack of response.  In many ways I retreated to my fortress or a place of self preservation.  I'd like to say I was heroic in my care for her and she would say that I did the best I could and that I was a GREAT husband, and yes, I could get the job done, but God has been calling me to something more.  

Here it came down to what God wanted to do in me, not so much in my wife.  He wanted to attend to my inner man and he was calling me to pray.  Yet, I worked and did all the things I needed to support and care for not just her but our daughter and home.  I worked hard, but it seemed something was missing.  I stopped praying.  I would pray for certain things, but I didn't delve into the place of prayer for just the sake of being with God, and availing my heart to him, so that he would attend to my heart.

I'd like to say that years later, my prayer life has been forged in the fire of this storm, but truthfully, I am still in the maturing stage of what it means to look past the physical, what I can see with my eyes and actually war in the spiritual places and press in.  What I am learning in this place is that God is just asking me to show up. To show up in prayer both in a routine way, but also to pray without ceasing and to recognize that he is at work every second of my existence here on earth and that he has things he wants to accomplish and do when I pray.  I'm encouraged in this place that he hears every pray and the moment I begin to pray, activation starts.  

2 Corinthians 4:16-18

Therefore we do not lose heart.  Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.  For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we FIX our EYES not on what is seen, but on what is UNSEEN. For what is seen is temporary, but what is UNSEEN IS ETERNAL.

This reminds me that as I fix my eyes on the things of the spirit, the kingdom of God, that my momentary troubles...become lighter, less weightier because I know that my God is greater, mightier and more powerful than anything.  His love permeates into every aspect of a life surrendered, so rather than seeing only the human realities, focusing my eyes on the things of the kingdom, is achieving for me/us an eternal glory.  Wow that is good news, especially in all the things we face in this crazy world.  

Jesus, thank you that you have given us treasures from heaven, equipping us with your strength, power and peace. As we lay hold in greater measure the things of the spirit, your kingdom that has come, help us to walk in the knowledge that you have given us your mind (the mind of Christ), you are renewing our thinking, understanding so that we can walk as you did.  Help us to live in your love and may that love astound those around us, making them curious of your gospel message of good news. Amen

Orientation Crazy

There are so many voices, so many books and I couldn't be more happy and sad at the same time.  You see, never in my life have I seen or heard so many people talking at the table with regards to gender and sexuality.  It's in the news, on social media and most likely a topic that everyone of us will enter into with someone.

Maybe it's with a family member or friend who struggles with their sense of gender identity or sexuality and it could be with someone who doesn't struggle but fully embraces an orientation or identity within the LGBTQ descriptive.

I get it!  Having struggled with gender identity issues and unwanted same sex attraction, and then coming out gay identified, I get it.  I get the notion of needing and wanting to have a sense of congruence with how I felt in regards to my orientation.  I wanted to carry the card that said, "I AM GAY...and if I want to transition to a woman...that is my RIGHT! Just get over it already!"  I spent years trying to fit in with what I thought a heterosexual man was, and even more, what a Christian Heterosexual Man was supposed to be.  I tried not to show any signs of 'gayness!' or that I might secretly desire to be wearing women's clothes, and the more I tried to hide, the more I struggled to find normalcy.  I definitely wasn't living authentically or true to my 'feelings' but how was I supposed to live my life?

So eventually the hiding stopped and I came out.  GLORY BE, I WAS FREE!!  I could breathe, I could relate to others with similar stories and I could finally say..."This is how I was to be all along!" I lived like this for almost 8 years, with a strong sense of my orientation.  This is how I was created, this is how I was called to live my life.  I wasn't acting, or playing gay and I was no longer trying to act as a heterosexual man.

I was orientation CRAZY!

You couldn't tell me that I was anything else, because if God didn't eradicate the 'unwanted feelings' toward the same gender, then they should really be my authentic self.  Sigh of relief.  In my many circles of friendships this was often the mantra.  We didn't 'talk' about why we might feel this way, we just always said 'this is who we are'.
Then God did a funny thing.  Well, it wasn't necessarily funny, but it was life changing for me.  He spoke to me! In a moment when I was at a crossroads, I allowed myself to 'crack' just a little...I asked him for help and he spoke clearly.  He didn't say in a booming voice, "Thou Shall Not be GAY, Thou Shall Not be Transgendered!"  He said, "You don't have to go back to Egypt!"

What resonated was my orientation.  I knew God was saying I don't have to be gay identified, nor transgender identified nor heterosexual identified!  I knew God was saying; "Kenn,  your orientation is me!  PERIOD!"  The joy of the Lord in that moment was my strength, it filled me completely and was probably overflowing all over the place.  I would love to see that moment from above...what did I look like?  Was I glowing?  All I knew is that it felt like scales falling off my eyes and I could see clearly and know that this was HUGE!

I became crazy about orienting my vision and my identity in Jesus, allowing the Holy Spirit to reveal more and more of Jesus, who in relationship with me, revealed my heavenly father who had always wanted my gaze to be on HIM ONLY.  Not on my life, my own sense of orientation, my desires etc.  He was saying "Come follow me!"  Will you lay down everything to follow me?"  Absolutely!

I knew as well that my journey would be hard.  It wouldn't be easy to swim upstream.  When I laid down the gay orientation label, it was by far, way easier in culture to be gay identified. What was I thinking?  Couldn't I just be a gay celibate Christian?

The temptation was there, yet it now felt in-congruent with who God was saying I was.  I was a new creation, created for his glory.  I was slowly being transformed more and more into who he had created me to be and that was toward his Holiness.

So, my orientation shifted and so did my language.  All things were being made new and this is good news.  Culture dictates and even many Christian's say: to be authentic with how one thinks and feels is critically important. To life healthy is to not deny your 'orientation'.  Yet, one can authentically say, this is how I feel, this is what I desire, Jesus help me in the journey and point me to my heavenly Father whose love is so radical and sweet...so much so that I'm compelled to lay down my life and find it in Christ, and in the body of Christ.  Relevancy is not in becoming more and more like culture, but rather more and more like Christ, who denied himself and took up the cross to set us free, to live fully present, fully aware within the body of Christ.

I write this because this story is not uncommon.  Thousands of men and women share a similar story and we are part of the make up of a diverse society.  A society that would like to say, our voice is not to be heard.  That we are 'acting' rather than 'being' authentically ourselves and yet we can honestly say, "Who the Son sets free is free indeed!" 

I'm a nobody...and so much more

Nobody wants to be a nobody.

Seriously, if you think about it for a moment, you have an innate desire to be 'somebody' or 'something'.

"What do you want to be when you grow up?"  For the longest time my daughter wanted to be a vet.  That changed when she realized she didn't like blood...and she might have to do stuff that is really gross!  Then she wanted to be a teacher.  This is slowly changing and the other day she said she wanted to work at a spa!  Oh, my precious one!  I hope one day she comes to the place of realizing that she is a nobody, created to be a somebody.

Here's the thing.  This morning while I was at a city wide prayer meeting I saw all our titles being thrown to the ground.  All our duties, job descriptions, the ways 'we' describe ourselves and the deficits that we still live with and all of it was rubbish and thrown out and what was left was just abiding in Jesus, and living in the empowerment of the Holy Spirit, knowing the affections of our Heavenly Father.

Here in this place of total surrender, nothing hinders us.  We can no longer say... "I can't serve because...I can't do that because...I'm not strong enough because...I'm too weak because...I don't know enough yet because...I'm not qualified, because..."

The moment we said yes and amen to Jesus' work of salvation/gospel message and we've been baptized, we are a 'new creation, created to do His good deeds that he has established for us to do...long before we even said...YES!

So nothing else matters.

I continue to struggle with the residuals of being gay identified, and authentically walk out my same gender attractions, and have done great work in the whole area of searching my heart, asking Jesus to heal and restore many deficits, and yet what remains is the residuals of sin...but I can't use any of that to stop me from doing what HE calls me to do, which is to be the Spiritual Head of my home, to love and call forth my wife and child and to make disciples of all nations.  That means, fear, insecurities, esteem issues, identity issues, deficits...all take second place to trusting God with what he tells me to do, and the submission of all authority in the empowerment of the Holy Spirit, who equips me with all wisdom and knowledge to do what pleases God.  Not out of duty or to check something off a list but to really do it out of a love relationship that come from abiding in him and being obedient.

So today, I cried out to him for more...that he would continue to form and create in me a new person, the old has gone the new has come...and I told him, I'm scared...but I won't back down to what HE wants to do, because it isn't about me, I'm a nobody, created to be a somebody, to further His kingdom here on earth as it is in heaven.

Today, if you feel like you are stuck in fear, insecurities, and maybe a list of "I can't...or...I'm scared!" That is the best place to start, in acknowledging your need of the Holy Spirit, Jesus and God.
Call out to him while He is near, and He will show you the way to go...and do what pleases him.

Psalms 1-5
Proverbs 1

Living Love

Well, it seems my writing and personal journal writing this past year kinda bit the dust. All good intentions flew out the window in what was a very difficult year on many levels. In retrospect, I was managing life, but that was about it.  There wasn't a lot of capacity or reserve to do much else.  Living with someone with a Chronic illness can put excess pressure on the whole house, and I learned much in this season about myself and my own propensity toward 'dark days'.  I had many upward moments (the ups!) in the midst of the down (dark) days, and as I look back I have chosen to cherish all the days, all the moments, because I was alive and God gave me breath.  Each day whether easy, difficult or just plain neutral was a gift to us and we can either forget all about it or we can learn and grow from the experience.  I want to grow.

Entering into 2018, I wondered..."Will life look any different? What will life look like?" and as I thought about it, I began to see that all God is asking for me at the moment is to live love. Not so much a focus on love living, but to live love out of His empowerment for His glory. You see my understanding of 'love living'  is to think that everything will be rosy, dandy, and of my choosing.  That somehow I can love living through experiences that I make and yet I want something deeper than experiential opportunities.  I was to live love, despite the circumstances that I may face whether good or bad.

It's a manifesto of sorts, to proclaim and declare that one will live love rather than love living.  To some this will sound rather redundant or you can't have one without the other, or the later is a by product of living love, but I think if we decide to seek first the Kingdom of God and ALL his righteousness and choose to live love in every situation, circumstance and experience, we can in the good times and the difficult times learn in very essence the art of loving life.

Practically speaking, I think it looks a whole lot like the fruits of the spirit: Kindness, gentleness, self control, patience, goodness, joy, faithfulness, peace...and the greatest of all...love.

Choosing to live love means to be cloaked in love...and we can't have this fully unless we are seeped in the Holy Spirit.  Declaring each day the Holiness of God our Father, who extravagantly loves.  Asking for the fullness of our day..."Give us this day...", guarding against evil, sin, patterns of selfishness, walking as ones forgiven and ones offering forgiveness...and laying down our lives to serve only one master...God. (Matthew 6)

To live love is to radically choose the opposite of how we may feel on any given moment and to choose to depend fully on the empowerment of the Holy Spirit who is revealing Jesus, who equips us with everything we need to live life to the full, not for our glory or fame but for his.  To God be the Glory and furthering of His Kingdom.  AMEN

Filled With Joy

Psalm 28:7 The Lord is my strength and shield. I trust him with all my heart. He helps me, and my heart is filled with joy. I burst out in songs of thanksgiving. I’ve been thinking about this thing called Joy for quite some time. It’s been a long season of trying to figure out happiness versus joy. You see, for most of my life happiness was my goal. How I felt was important and it weighed heavily on my day to day activities and how I viewed myself as a person. I would seek out things that would illicit happiness. This could be material items, a scenic place to take photos, an intimate connection with someone, and though I would feel some emotion, the happy feeling would soon vanish and all I was left with was a material item, or a memory of a connection with someone, and a dark cloud over my head. Troubles mounted in my life like a pent-up volcano and it ended up erupting. There had to be more to life than what I was pursuing? How could I be content in emotional happiness and what was this thing called joy? This brought me to a place of connection with God my Father who lovingly began to show me my value and his power in my weak emotional state. He began to show me that I could trust him with all my heart and He would help me through this journey. Yet it felt like I was in a valley of misery. Early on in my faith journey I read Psalm 18:7 and I thought, ‘it’s rather difficult to burst out in songs of thanksgiving when you are in a valley of trouble’ and yet what I began to see is that this is the place our songs need to sing out louder than ever. Sure, some of my troubles began to vanish, but I still had struggles. I faced unimaginable pain in losing children through miscarriage, my wife becoming quite sick from a chronic illness, and financial burdens weighing me down. The realities of life began to feel more like a Job existence. So, I sat in the midst of all the realities of life and began to breathe deeply and gave thanks. It started small like a child singing a nursery song for the first time and it grew to a quartet, then a chamber choir until finally my thanksgiving was like a full ensemble. An orchestra with a majestic choir. Songs of thanksgiving come from being aware of every moment and second of your life. Being mindful of the breath that I take which reminds me that God has given me this exact moment to live and allow Him to be glorified in and through my life. Listening carefully to my neighbour and enjoying who they are is being thankful that God created us all in unique and wonderful ways and to celebrate this by bearing with one another’s differences in love. Calling out to God for help when the going get’s tough and knowing that His help will come in His perfect timing and His help often looks completely different than what I would have thought or imagined. This posture of giving thanks isn’t always easy. Sometimes the full ensemble can diminish and become like that child again, just learning to sing, but at least there is a song. The difficult experiences that we may face as we live our lives as believers is always the place where God wants to show up and be God. It is in these experiences where not only do we see God, but others see his manifest glory. Give thanks to the Lord for he is good, his love endures forever. The Lord is our strength and shield. We can trust him with all our hearts. He helps us, and our heart are filled with joy. So today, let us stop, look and listen to the Lord who gives us breath and burst out into songs of thanksgiving.