Ah, school, wonderous school. I really dislike University. Well, maybe just U of W. I took psychology this year. One class. Just one. But I coupled with that a full time job, a part time job, a highly emotionally charged Living Waters program and a move back to Winnipeg. I thought...hey, I am ready. AAAAAHHHHH!!!!!! When are you ever ready to jump back into school. I went thinking...so, I will start here and one day get my ed degree. As I have been working in the school system, I realize that I really do not want to teach. I have seen the system and it isn't changing any time soon. I love kids. Adore them. But to teach them...I know I can do it, but is it the place for me. Is my heart there. It isn't.
I was recently listening and watching the willowcreek leaders DVD's and one of the speakers asked...."what is your holy dicontent?" Meaning, what injustice can you not stand? I hate the fact that there is so much poverty around, I hate the fact that there are a lot of lukewarm christians and I don't want to be one of them. I hate it that the harvest is plentiful, the workers few. That there are young christian men and women, moving into the gay lifestyle because of lack of support, mentorship and education. What gives with that? Why are the churches not standing up and taking notice that they are losing their children...?
So today after school, I was walking to Hesed and crying out...God, have mercy, pour out your grace, I need more of it. I let the rain pelt on my, I was drenched by the time I got to the house and sat in the car thinking, why am I going to school? Just to get some letters behind my name? Does that make me more valuable to society? Then I heard the words in my head...."teach me your ways oh God, and lead me" So I prayed that over and over again....Lord God, teach me YOUR ways, not mine or the worlds, but yours. Let your ways go deep within me.
Also, today, I went and took a survey at University to fullfill the research quota and so it was on sexuality and personality. Let me tell ya, it was like a indepth version of my past...how many people I slept with and situations that I happened to put myself. Well, after that section...I was thinking, wow, Kenn, the experiences in the past...like a faucet...turned on full blast, or a rain storm. Then they asked for the present situation that i am in sexually and I could put on there...nil. Like a dry dessert, or a quiet pasture land. Then they asked about the future...and I just put down, will wait to sleep with only my wife...period. I loved that question. It was a stamp...saying...this is how it will be. God, teach me your ways...YOUR WAYS. Let it be so.
So this weekend, busy, busy, busy. Lot's to do, study, help throw an engagement tea...which totally reminds me. When I was in BC, my friend got married and I thought, boy, I loved the lady who was their wedding planner. I thought, I would love that. I already did little event planning with a coworker and so why not. I enjoy it, the creative planning, making sure everything gets done. So when I was discussing the meal with the father/mother/bride and groom to be, the bride to be said, you should just be our wedding planner. Well, I blew it off, saying, I don't want to be "Fraunk", but then I remembered the dream and realized...wow God, you are letting me do a little learning. I even have a photographer and flower contact. Plus this week, I have been asking God for a creative thing to do. Then I thought, hmmm, what about being a wedding planner for those who come out of the gay and lesbian lifestyle...now wouldn't that be something. Party and celebrate and make it grand.
Just thoughts I am pondering...and asking God again......"TEACH ME!!"
Friday, March 31, 2006
Tuesday, March 28, 2006
apologies
Really late, reviewed my blog entry and was going to delete it. I guess for me I need to come to peace with me. Realizing that my faith is my relationship with Christ. To live by the Spirit and in that, not judging others, especially those who choose to live differently than me. I think I have been moving toward judging others and that is not right. Agh, this sin in my...I was talking with someone tonight and was just reminded how sinful I am. It is gross, I need a Tshirt that says...I am just a parasite....
God is so good and I am so bad. I wish I could get past some issues that I think about. Like Urban planning, the Aid's epidemic, Poverty, injustice...and the list would go on and on. Realizing I am a mere mortal and God is GOD. Mercy me, pour it out.
So living waters is nearly over, 3 more meetings. Then I am a graduate of the program. Where does that take me or leave me? There has been so many times when I have just felt God hold me, tenderly caress me and tell me He loves me. Showing me how to live a life of purity and in that admitting that I am a broken vessel and he is the master restorer. I decided at the end of January, that I needed to do the opposite of how I felt. So that has led me to join in on a men's breakfast every friday morning at 630 am, joining in or starting up a housegroup, continuing to be accountable to a couple of men. Also continuing on in this healing journey. Submitting to God my brokenness, asking Him to heal me and knowing he will.
Also stepping out to serve others has been so important. I really do believe that we gain healing by serving. Working at the House of Hesed has been so important. I get so much out of that job. Also, working at New Direction as a volunteer until school is out and giving my time learning what goes on in the office has been so valuable. I look forward to the potential of working full time in the office. So stepping out into the unknown is good. Learning to look at others who choose to live differently with a different focus is good. It is all a learning curve...thank you Jesus for the Holy Spirit who stirs and teaches our hearts. So ya, if I offended anyone about the burbs...forgive me please, I am a work in progress.
God is so good and I am so bad. I wish I could get past some issues that I think about. Like Urban planning, the Aid's epidemic, Poverty, injustice...and the list would go on and on. Realizing I am a mere mortal and God is GOD. Mercy me, pour it out.
So living waters is nearly over, 3 more meetings. Then I am a graduate of the program. Where does that take me or leave me? There has been so many times when I have just felt God hold me, tenderly caress me and tell me He loves me. Showing me how to live a life of purity and in that admitting that I am a broken vessel and he is the master restorer. I decided at the end of January, that I needed to do the opposite of how I felt. So that has led me to join in on a men's breakfast every friday morning at 630 am, joining in or starting up a housegroup, continuing to be accountable to a couple of men. Also continuing on in this healing journey. Submitting to God my brokenness, asking Him to heal me and knowing he will.
Also stepping out to serve others has been so important. I really do believe that we gain healing by serving. Working at the House of Hesed has been so important. I get so much out of that job. Also, working at New Direction as a volunteer until school is out and giving my time learning what goes on in the office has been so valuable. I look forward to the potential of working full time in the office. So stepping out into the unknown is good. Learning to look at others who choose to live differently with a different focus is good. It is all a learning curve...thank you Jesus for the Holy Spirit who stirs and teaches our hearts. So ya, if I offended anyone about the burbs...forgive me please, I am a work in progress.
Sunday, March 26, 2006
the sssuburbsss
My mind tonight is racing with thoughts on community life, christianity and the world we live in.
I spent the evening reconnecting with some long lost friends. I went with a little fear. Mostly because, I had no idea what they were like anymore. They had no clue who I was anymore. Turned out that I think we are pretty similiar in many ways.
But it got me thinking again of living and breathing our faith. What does it mean to be a christian in this day and age? So many Christians are up and moving to the burbs, for what ever reason, it appears that maybe that is safer than living in poorer areas of town. They put their kids in private Christians schools...again, safer for their children. So they in turn isolate themselves in a world away from reality. Have a nice home, a couple of cars, good jobs, mortgages and big box stores now their life. So what does this all mean for me?
I am angry. I am frustrated with the look good Christian. "I am a christian, therefore, I am to live a prosperous life...appearances are everything"
That is crap. When I read in the New Testiment about being a believer, a follower of Christ, I don't get the impression that this is how we are to live.
Remember it is harder for a rich man to enter into the kingdom. Why?
If we are blessed with a good job...what does that mean? We move or build a bigger home, to again fill it with stuff? Or does it mean we are to be more giving to those who do not have? Just some of the questions that are moving around in my head. How does moving to the burbs help our city?
Why not stay and build a stronger west end or North End? I guess, I am an idealist. Maybe, I think that we could make a difference if we were not so scared. But what are we scared about? Losing our life? Losing our stuff? It isn't ours anyway. We have to die to self and take up the cross. Our earthy possessions...they do not belong to us anyway. Maybe when I see the prostitute in my back lane and the johns driving by, I could get worried, especially if I had a wife and children, but then I realize that I would want to expose them to that, so they could see the hurt out there. That they could feel Christ's heart for them. That, we are no different than the prostitute. That Christ loves us just the same.
Ah, my mind...it needs to slow down right now....on a different note.
I do have to say that tonight was a first for me...in a long time. I have been back in Winnipeg for almost a year. Tonight, I got a hug! From a guy...! I think it was the first one that I have had since being back in Winnipeg...that did not come from a relative...or from someone who wanted sex. Insane? Why do men not hug? Why do christian men not hug? Do they think that they might be gay if they do hug? Another pondering question?
I spent the evening reconnecting with some long lost friends. I went with a little fear. Mostly because, I had no idea what they were like anymore. They had no clue who I was anymore. Turned out that I think we are pretty similiar in many ways.
But it got me thinking again of living and breathing our faith. What does it mean to be a christian in this day and age? So many Christians are up and moving to the burbs, for what ever reason, it appears that maybe that is safer than living in poorer areas of town. They put their kids in private Christians schools...again, safer for their children. So they in turn isolate themselves in a world away from reality. Have a nice home, a couple of cars, good jobs, mortgages and big box stores now their life. So what does this all mean for me?
I am angry. I am frustrated with the look good Christian. "I am a christian, therefore, I am to live a prosperous life...appearances are everything"
That is crap. When I read in the New Testiment about being a believer, a follower of Christ, I don't get the impression that this is how we are to live.
Remember it is harder for a rich man to enter into the kingdom. Why?
If we are blessed with a good job...what does that mean? We move or build a bigger home, to again fill it with stuff? Or does it mean we are to be more giving to those who do not have? Just some of the questions that are moving around in my head. How does moving to the burbs help our city?
Why not stay and build a stronger west end or North End? I guess, I am an idealist. Maybe, I think that we could make a difference if we were not so scared. But what are we scared about? Losing our life? Losing our stuff? It isn't ours anyway. We have to die to self and take up the cross. Our earthy possessions...they do not belong to us anyway. Maybe when I see the prostitute in my back lane and the johns driving by, I could get worried, especially if I had a wife and children, but then I realize that I would want to expose them to that, so they could see the hurt out there. That they could feel Christ's heart for them. That, we are no different than the prostitute. That Christ loves us just the same.
Ah, my mind...it needs to slow down right now....on a different note.
I do have to say that tonight was a first for me...in a long time. I have been back in Winnipeg for almost a year. Tonight, I got a hug! From a guy...! I think it was the first one that I have had since being back in Winnipeg...that did not come from a relative...or from someone who wanted sex. Insane? Why do men not hug? Why do christian men not hug? Do they think that they might be gay if they do hug? Another pondering question?
Tuesday, March 21, 2006
Media, Movies, Mindset
This is a recent article that I wrote for New Direction's Newsletter. Wanted to share it on here...what do you think?
The last few months the media has been full of articles, reviews and high expectations of the movie Brokeback Mountain. I am not surprised with how the media covered the movie. I heard statements like, “this is the last frontier” and “now people can see what being in the closet can really do to someone’s life”.
I have not seen the movie and do not plan on seeing it. I have been there, done that, wore the T-shirt and then burned the T-shirt. Thinking about the media blitz made me contemplate what the mindset we as Christian’s in particular might form.
Movies like this, and there are a lot now that are coming out in theatres, should be a wake up call for us as believers. The Gay and Lesbian, Bisexual, Transgendered (GLBT) activist groups are rising up and are narrowing their gaze at what we as Christians are really like. What is our mindset? Does this movie put us into a rage against the GLBT community and to those loved ones who adopt this false identity or does it spur us toward a better understanding for those who struggle with their sexual identity? Does it make us want to become better educated so that we can fully understand this issue and thus walk with a heart of compassion and love?
The homosexual issue has been with us for thousands of years, so this really is not the last frontier. It is not a new issue for believers to try and understand, but it is an issue that we have shunned away from because it makes us uncomfortable. Now is the time for us to truly rise up and become the compassionate and loving people that we are intended to be. This does not mean we adopt the position that being gay is okay. It does mean that we educate ourselves. We immerse ourselves in understanding those who struggle with their sexual identity, particularly those in our churches who struggle in silence. We need to be aware that we are being watched and judged by those in the GLBT community.
Romans 2:1-4 says this, “You may think you can condemn such people, but you are just as bad, and you have no excuse! When you say they are wicked and should be punished, you are condemning yourself, for you who judge others do these very same things. And we know that God, in his justice, will punish anyone who does such things. Since you judge others for doing these things, why do you think you can avoid God’s judgement when you do the same things? Don’t you see how wonderfully kind, tolerant, and patient God is with you? Does this mean nothing to you? Can’t you see that his kindness is intended to turn you from your sin?”
In Chapter one of Romans it talks about the “very things you do”. It links us all together as sinners. No one is exempt from death…no not one, but we as believer’s have the hope, mercy, grace and most importantly love that has been given us through Jesus Christ, that needs to be shown in our lives. With the human condition becoming ever darker, does this mean we hide ourselves away and shelter ourselves in our man made fortresses or do we step out and bring the light that is in us to people around us?
1Peter 3: 15- 17 says “Instead, you must worship Christ as Lord of your life. And if someone asks about your Christian hope, always be ready to explain it. But do this in a gentle and respectful way. Keep your conscience clear. Then if people speak against you, they will be ashamed when they see what a good life you live because you belong to Christ. Remember, it is better to suffer for doing good, if that is what God wants, than to suffer from doing wrong!”
So as I think of all the movies and discussions that might take place, I think we are reminded that we are to look first at our own lives. What is our representation to the world? Are we being the salt and light? Are we living our faith the way Christ showed us to or are we hiding away, hoping this will pass? Being someone who has been active in both the Christian community and the GLBT community, I pray more than ever that God will increase the compassion he has for the GLBT community within me. That way when they come and inspect my life, they will see God’s grace and mercy flowing freely, and my mindset will be that of Christ’s, full of love and compassion for those not yet free
The last few months the media has been full of articles, reviews and high expectations of the movie Brokeback Mountain. I am not surprised with how the media covered the movie. I heard statements like, “this is the last frontier” and “now people can see what being in the closet can really do to someone’s life”.
I have not seen the movie and do not plan on seeing it. I have been there, done that, wore the T-shirt and then burned the T-shirt. Thinking about the media blitz made me contemplate what the mindset we as Christian’s in particular might form.
Movies like this, and there are a lot now that are coming out in theatres, should be a wake up call for us as believers. The Gay and Lesbian, Bisexual, Transgendered (GLBT) activist groups are rising up and are narrowing their gaze at what we as Christians are really like. What is our mindset? Does this movie put us into a rage against the GLBT community and to those loved ones who adopt this false identity or does it spur us toward a better understanding for those who struggle with their sexual identity? Does it make us want to become better educated so that we can fully understand this issue and thus walk with a heart of compassion and love?
The homosexual issue has been with us for thousands of years, so this really is not the last frontier. It is not a new issue for believers to try and understand, but it is an issue that we have shunned away from because it makes us uncomfortable. Now is the time for us to truly rise up and become the compassionate and loving people that we are intended to be. This does not mean we adopt the position that being gay is okay. It does mean that we educate ourselves. We immerse ourselves in understanding those who struggle with their sexual identity, particularly those in our churches who struggle in silence. We need to be aware that we are being watched and judged by those in the GLBT community.
Romans 2:1-4 says this, “You may think you can condemn such people, but you are just as bad, and you have no excuse! When you say they are wicked and should be punished, you are condemning yourself, for you who judge others do these very same things. And we know that God, in his justice, will punish anyone who does such things. Since you judge others for doing these things, why do you think you can avoid God’s judgement when you do the same things? Don’t you see how wonderfully kind, tolerant, and patient God is with you? Does this mean nothing to you? Can’t you see that his kindness is intended to turn you from your sin?”
In Chapter one of Romans it talks about the “very things you do”. It links us all together as sinners. No one is exempt from death…no not one, but we as believer’s have the hope, mercy, grace and most importantly love that has been given us through Jesus Christ, that needs to be shown in our lives. With the human condition becoming ever darker, does this mean we hide ourselves away and shelter ourselves in our man made fortresses or do we step out and bring the light that is in us to people around us?
1Peter 3: 15- 17 says “Instead, you must worship Christ as Lord of your life. And if someone asks about your Christian hope, always be ready to explain it. But do this in a gentle and respectful way. Keep your conscience clear. Then if people speak against you, they will be ashamed when they see what a good life you live because you belong to Christ. Remember, it is better to suffer for doing good, if that is what God wants, than to suffer from doing wrong!”
So as I think of all the movies and discussions that might take place, I think we are reminded that we are to look first at our own lives. What is our representation to the world? Are we being the salt and light? Are we living our faith the way Christ showed us to or are we hiding away, hoping this will pass? Being someone who has been active in both the Christian community and the GLBT community, I pray more than ever that God will increase the compassion he has for the GLBT community within me. That way when they come and inspect my life, they will see God’s grace and mercy flowing freely, and my mindset will be that of Christ’s, full of love and compassion for those not yet free
Tuesday, March 07, 2006
Growing in Him
By His divine power, God has given me everything I need for living a godly life. I have received all of this by coming to know him, the one who called me to himself by means of his marvelous glory and excellence. And because of his glory and excellence, he has given me great and precious promises. These are the promised that enables me to share his divine nature and escape the world's corruption caused by human desires.
In view of all this, I make every effort to respond to God's promises. I supplement my faith with a generous provision of moral excellence and moral excellence with knowledge, and knowledge with self-control, and self control with patient endurance, and patient endurance with godliness, and godliness with brotherly affection, and brotherly affection with love for everyone. The more I grow like this, the more productive and useful I will be in my knowledge of my Lord Jesus Christ. But those who fail to develop in this way are shortsighted or blind, forgetting that they have been cleansed from their old sins. So, I work hard to prove that I am really among those God has called and chosen. I will do these things, and I will never fall away. God will give me a grand entrance into the eternal Kingdom of my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.
2 Peter 1:3-11 (personalized)
So I grow in Him, I accept that call on my life. To watch how I live...where I place my desires. Tonight at Living Waters, the teaching was on Temptation and 2 Peter summed that up nicely. I will never be free from temptation or struggle...and I walk in humility and in the authority that God has given me. It is what I do with that temptation and struggle. Do I allow it in to mess me up...or do I acknowledge it for what it is and submit to God...allowing His strength to take over.
Move in Lord...move in. I was overwelmed by his love and provision this week. I have been asking for God to reveal his provision...so I can testify on how he provides and I had an answer this week. Wow, God, you are amazing. When I least expected it! I just sat in awe and praised him. It strengthens my faith.
So this week, I continue to pray...God expand my heart...expand this heart thing you are doing...so I know how wide, deep, high...is your love for me.
I was talking and just thought...God...when did this happen? When did the walls fall? When did this thing in my heart start happening? It is an answer to my hearts cry.
So March 13th it will be a year since God took over...when he called me in the wilderness and told me He would be with me...He would guide and protect me. It was that day when I submitted in the wilderness...and the tremendous joy I felt. It has been up and down...but looking back...wow, God, you poured our your grace and mercy. You showered me with you love. You are restoring the years the locusts have eaten and I am totally excited with this adventure. I know the importance of accountability, the importance of community, of men sharpening iron together. I know the importance of being transparent. I told my group leaders how I went to a Superbowl party...and okay...that is something I would never had done...but I feel it is time I do things I normally would not do. I had a blast at the party. I actually loved the football game. Now hockey...that is another thing, but never say never. It is doing the opposite of what your flesh would want me to do. So I step out in faith as a man of God. As a man of valor. As a compassionate and caring man. Continuing to cry out to God for more. Come Lord Jesus Come.
So I am growing...if you have the image of a toddler who has just started walking and the joy in their face...that is my face right now.
Thanks for those you are praying for me...Bless you!
Saturday, March 04, 2006
a recent post
This is a comment that I posted on a blog recently and I wanted to add it to my archives so...some of you have read it before...some of you, this will be new.
First, I am a man, who for 30 years has struggled with this issue of homosexuality. When I was a kid...ridicule and abuse was my name plate. It began the identification process in me. I knew I was different and had this desire and attraction to men.
I tried to get help from the church...here are some comments....
"It is a phase, most guys have experienced this questioning of our sexuality."
"You need to pray more"
"The Bible will give you the answers"
"Your still struggling? You aren't trying hard enough."
So I led a double life...good christian on the outside for many years...and a raging sex addict on inside, and this expressed by many encounters. Still I longed to be free of this struggle with my identity.
So I went on missions, did a discipleship training course...but still struggled...even got engaged. Even attended group sessions with people struggling with similiar issues. Then one day...I gave up. I couldn't take it anymore...broke up with the fiance, stopped attending church...and walked away. Embracing that I must have been born this way. Read books about why I was this way and how I should just embrace my identity.
That was 9 years ago. Eight of those years, I lived with a partner...still having sex with other guys and basically doing what felt good. People would tell me to go to church, even my gay friends...as they knew God was important to me. I just couldn't. I knew enough that if I went to church, God would meet me...and I would have to change. So I didn't.I increasingly became more and more unhappy. Until finally last year in spring, my partner and I were having troubles and I went for a run in the wilderness and that is when God took control. It blows my mind still to this day. I submitted to Him being in control and for the first time in my 38 years, did I feel that there was hope for me. That this was not the intent for me. That the "gay" identity was not God's intent for me. So I moved 2000 miles away, and was faithful to his leading. Has it been easy...no way. Life is not intended to be easy. Nor is struggles to be diminished, but in every struggle, I put my hope and faith in God. I submit more. Is it denying my "true self" as most of my friends have told me?...no. What is my true self? It is to live according to the word of God. It is to submit my earthly desires and desire what God has for me. I am in the world but not of the world. The world is beginning to take the stand that it is okay to be gay. Can I be so frank and to say, I do not think it is the intent of God for us to be gay. Now I am in no means saying that everyone has to change..I leave that up to that person and his or her relationship with God. For me though...I desire that more now than ever. I seek God in all things. I hand over to him my false identity...my unwanted sexual attractions and allow him to do his work in me.
I feel liberated. I can look at my life and see the mural of my life. The desire in my youth to connect to my father, for him to call me out as a man. For him to show me love for his wife. That never happened and so I was left...empty and yearning to experience that on my own...not knowing what that looked like and being very insecure. Now place in that picture sexual abuse and being rather sensitive...I came to realize the only way to be in relationship with a guy was with sex.
People have asked, why I never changed before...well, life is a process. I think I had to come to rock bottom so that God had to be my everything. He desires that for me every day, regardless of the struggle.
I believe that all sin is equal. Homosexuality in the Bible was linked always with other sin. So why has the church made it like it was the worst one. Because it is uncomfortable. Most leaders in churches are men...and in going to churches and listening to people speak on the issue, the audience is usually full of women and generally they are the ones that stay behind and ask questions. The men kinda stand off and look rather uncomfortable. So what do we do as Christians? We educate. We promote love. The longer we put our heads in the sand...and just hope things get better, things will still stay the same. I remember hearing someone say to a few christians..."would you allow a gay or lesbian in your home to eat supper with you?" The answer was no...and I wept. Thinking what would Jesus do. He would break bread and fellowship and invite that person into their homes.
There are thousands and thousands of men and women who desire and are seeking change from unwanted same sex attractions. There are thousands and thousands who stand in victory.
There are thousand and thousands of men and women who have been hurt by the church...and christians who struggle with this issue who have just said...I give up. What then are we to do? I leave that for you to ponder over.
First, I am a man, who for 30 years has struggled with this issue of homosexuality. When I was a kid...ridicule and abuse was my name plate. It began the identification process in me. I knew I was different and had this desire and attraction to men.
I tried to get help from the church...here are some comments....
"It is a phase, most guys have experienced this questioning of our sexuality."
"You need to pray more"
"The Bible will give you the answers"
"Your still struggling? You aren't trying hard enough."
So I led a double life...good christian on the outside for many years...and a raging sex addict on inside, and this expressed by many encounters. Still I longed to be free of this struggle with my identity.
So I went on missions, did a discipleship training course...but still struggled...even got engaged. Even attended group sessions with people struggling with similiar issues. Then one day...I gave up. I couldn't take it anymore...broke up with the fiance, stopped attending church...and walked away. Embracing that I must have been born this way. Read books about why I was this way and how I should just embrace my identity.
That was 9 years ago. Eight of those years, I lived with a partner...still having sex with other guys and basically doing what felt good. People would tell me to go to church, even my gay friends...as they knew God was important to me. I just couldn't. I knew enough that if I went to church, God would meet me...and I would have to change. So I didn't.I increasingly became more and more unhappy. Until finally last year in spring, my partner and I were having troubles and I went for a run in the wilderness and that is when God took control. It blows my mind still to this day. I submitted to Him being in control and for the first time in my 38 years, did I feel that there was hope for me. That this was not the intent for me. That the "gay" identity was not God's intent for me. So I moved 2000 miles away, and was faithful to his leading. Has it been easy...no way. Life is not intended to be easy. Nor is struggles to be diminished, but in every struggle, I put my hope and faith in God. I submit more. Is it denying my "true self" as most of my friends have told me?...no. What is my true self? It is to live according to the word of God. It is to submit my earthly desires and desire what God has for me. I am in the world but not of the world. The world is beginning to take the stand that it is okay to be gay. Can I be so frank and to say, I do not think it is the intent of God for us to be gay. Now I am in no means saying that everyone has to change..I leave that up to that person and his or her relationship with God. For me though...I desire that more now than ever. I seek God in all things. I hand over to him my false identity...my unwanted sexual attractions and allow him to do his work in me.
I feel liberated. I can look at my life and see the mural of my life. The desire in my youth to connect to my father, for him to call me out as a man. For him to show me love for his wife. That never happened and so I was left...empty and yearning to experience that on my own...not knowing what that looked like and being very insecure. Now place in that picture sexual abuse and being rather sensitive...I came to realize the only way to be in relationship with a guy was with sex.
People have asked, why I never changed before...well, life is a process. I think I had to come to rock bottom so that God had to be my everything. He desires that for me every day, regardless of the struggle.
I believe that all sin is equal. Homosexuality in the Bible was linked always with other sin. So why has the church made it like it was the worst one. Because it is uncomfortable. Most leaders in churches are men...and in going to churches and listening to people speak on the issue, the audience is usually full of women and generally they are the ones that stay behind and ask questions. The men kinda stand off and look rather uncomfortable. So what do we do as Christians? We educate. We promote love. The longer we put our heads in the sand...and just hope things get better, things will still stay the same. I remember hearing someone say to a few christians..."would you allow a gay or lesbian in your home to eat supper with you?" The answer was no...and I wept. Thinking what would Jesus do. He would break bread and fellowship and invite that person into their homes.
There are thousands and thousands of men and women who desire and are seeking change from unwanted same sex attractions. There are thousands and thousands who stand in victory.
There are thousand and thousands of men and women who have been hurt by the church...and christians who struggle with this issue who have just said...I give up. What then are we to do? I leave that for you to ponder over.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)