Saturday, March 04, 2006

a recent post

This is a comment that I posted on a blog recently and I wanted to add it to my archives so...some of you have read it before...some of you, this will be new.

First, I am a man, who for 30 years has struggled with this issue of homosexuality. When I was a kid...ridicule and abuse was my name plate. It began the identification process in me. I knew I was different and had this desire and attraction to men.
I tried to get help from the are some comments....
"It is a phase, most guys have experienced this questioning of our sexuality."
"You need to pray more"
"The Bible will give you the answers"
"Your still struggling? You aren't trying hard enough."
So I led a double life...good christian on the outside for many years...and a raging sex addict on inside, and this expressed by many encounters. Still I longed to be free of this struggle with my identity.
So I went on missions, did a discipleship training course...but still struggled...even got engaged. Even attended group sessions with people struggling with similiar issues. Then one day...I gave up. I couldn't take it anymore...broke up with the fiance, stopped attending church...and walked away. Embracing that I must have been born this way. Read books about why I was this way and how I should just embrace my identity.
That was 9 years ago. Eight of those years, I lived with a partner...still having sex with other guys and basically doing what felt good. People would tell me to go to church, even my gay they knew God was important to me. I just couldn't. I knew enough that if I went to church, God would meet me...and I would have to change. So I didn't.I increasingly became more and more unhappy. Until finally last year in spring, my partner and I were having troubles and I went for a run in the wilderness and that is when God took control. It blows my mind still to this day. I submitted to Him being in control and for the first time in my 38 years, did I feel that there was hope for me. That this was not the intent for me. That the "gay" identity was not God's intent for me. So I moved 2000 miles away, and was faithful to his leading. Has it been way. Life is not intended to be easy. Nor is struggles to be diminished, but in every struggle, I put my hope and faith in God. I submit more. Is it denying my "true self" as most of my friends have told me? What is my true self? It is to live according to the word of God. It is to submit my earthly desires and desire what God has for me. I am in the world but not of the world. The world is beginning to take the stand that it is okay to be gay. Can I be so frank and to say, I do not think it is the intent of God for us to be gay. Now I am in no means saying that everyone has to change..I leave that up to that person and his or her relationship with God. For me though...I desire that more now than ever. I seek God in all things. I hand over to him my false unwanted sexual attractions and allow him to do his work in me.
I feel liberated. I can look at my life and see the mural of my life. The desire in my youth to connect to my father, for him to call me out as a man. For him to show me love for his wife. That never happened and so I was left...empty and yearning to experience that on my own...not knowing what that looked like and being very insecure. Now place in that picture sexual abuse and being rather sensitive...I came to realize the only way to be in relationship with a guy was with sex.
People have asked, why I never changed before...well, life is a process. I think I had to come to rock bottom so that God had to be my everything. He desires that for me every day, regardless of the struggle.
I believe that all sin is equal. Homosexuality in the Bible was linked always with other sin. So why has the church made it like it was the worst one. Because it is uncomfortable. Most leaders in churches are men...and in going to churches and listening to people speak on the issue, the audience is usually full of women and generally they are the ones that stay behind and ask questions. The men kinda stand off and look rather uncomfortable. So what do we do as Christians? We educate. We promote love. The longer we put our heads in the sand...and just hope things get better, things will still stay the same. I remember hearing someone say to a few christians..."would you allow a gay or lesbian in your home to eat supper with you?" The answer was no...and I wept. Thinking what would Jesus do. He would break bread and fellowship and invite that person into their homes.
There are thousands and thousands of men and women who desire and are seeking change from unwanted same sex attractions. There are thousands and thousands who stand in victory.
There are thousand and thousands of men and women who have been hurt by the church...and christians who struggle with this issue who have just said...I give up. What then are we to do? I leave that for you to ponder over.

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