deeper still

Thursday....evening...

What is God doing?





"trust in me"

and then we leave

...where is my passport?...pray!!!!
...will I get everything done?...run around!!!!

friends call and wish me all the best, yesterday my farewell at my previous job! Life is moving along fast...and yet, I pause and breath and see God everywhere. I see how he has orchestrated everything for his glory.

I love what is going on. I love this step of faith as an Urban Missionary. It makes me ever aware of how I am to rely on God for my "everything". In a world which says...YOU MUST DO IT ON YOUR OWN...this is a new step of faith for me.

So tomorrow we leave for Marion Indiana. I would ask for prayers of safety. 7 of us are going down and we are all excited and looking forward with much anticipation to what God is going to show each one of us. I would ask that you pray for provision. That God would meet our needs as we travel.

I will try and post as much as I can. Today, I purchased a digital camera and so I hope that I can download some pictures as well.

Shalom,
Kenny

So I am the official Resource and Outreach Coordinator at New Direction as of Monday.
Thank you to each of you who have said they would support me financially this year and to those who have given one time gifts...a blessing to each one of you.

pre Exodus...some brain thoughts

Exodus....

So the conference is coming up, my job is coming to a close and a new one beginning. A lot of stuff happening.
Tonight was a good one. As I reflected on today, I thought how true it is that apart from God there is no good thing. I feel the blessing of community, of seeking how to do his will and moving out into that. Of not doing life alone.
Learning to boast in my weakness. Ya...that is a new concept but one that I am enjoying in what feels a little twisted. To see God's strength so evident in my life. Him teaching me how to live and love.
I was writing yesterday while doing laundry and just wrote. Feelings and thoughts, flowing like water and onto the paper. It was freeing to let it all come out. I find the more I write and speak the more confident I feel. I am understanding who Kenn is. The gifts and talents that God has given me...makes me feel blessed. I like myself for the first time in many years. Ya, I got crap in my life and I am far from perfection this side of heaven...but I enjoy me. It is strange to say that, but it is true. I have been seeking out who I am in Christ Jesus. I pray and die to self all the time, yet God calls me to love myself as he loves me. So I can fully love others. Incredible concept. I just thought it was selfish or egocentric to love oneself...but I find that it is validating and important to do so.

I will be posting while at Exodus...if they do not have a computer then I will journal the old fashioned way and then post it all.
Phoebe and I continue to put God at the center of our relationship and it is refreshing and sweet. A frangrance pleasing to God. I love what is happening. I shared with someone from my housegroup how I have been seeing God restoring the years the locusts have eaten and I am in awe at God's timing...how perfect it is. Even though I think he is moving fast...I also know it is all about him...and not at all about me. I am a vessel, willing to walk with Him as my center.
I continue to be very thankful for Phoebe and who she is and where she has come from. I met her parents last week and felt an immediate warmth and acceptance.
So with that I bid good night....men's breakfast friday morning...it comes early.

Just leave with this bit of writing....from yesterday....

"I tried hard to mask my lonliness my deep need to connect with others, in particular, men.
Extreme neediness, pawing, panting, pouncing on the next vulnerable soul, to get my needs met.
Scared shit-less to think anyway different and not really wanting to change because it brought immediate pleasure and heaven forbid that I allowed myself to feel anything other than just that.
I clung to the absolute truth (lie) that this is just who I am.
Night after night I would go to sleep wondering...is this it? Is this all there is to life? Cloud my thinking, my emotions with my drugs of choice...medicate, medicate, medicate. Pot, poppers, sex, shopping. Mask it, bandaid it, keep it well away from any level of light source."

SALT

So we began the SALT program a while ago and tonight was a time of surrender. To most people that sounds foolish, especially in our world of control. We are to be in control of our lives and our destiny. Show no mercy...show no weakness.
I listen...I read and realize that I have control issues...man do I ever. I want to submit to God. To have him in control of my life...yet I pick up the reins and go with it. Trying my hardest to have the right image, to put on a brave face, when in reality, I just want to hit the floor or the wall or crumple in a heap.
So tonight, I faced it. My own independance that I hang on to. That I cling to not wanting to give up. Thoughts that I can do this on my own, that I can handle this situation and yet....I know deep down I can't.

So tonight, after the teaching time, I just layed it down. My striving to be this all together man. This guy who just wants people to like him. That I can walk and not stumble and fall. That I will not let anyone down.
Well...that is my striving for this religious way of living. This concept of control. That I can control my destiny. I have everything under control. What a bunch of crap that is.

I need God. I rely on him. If that sounds like a crutch so be it. I seek after God's heart for me...as I read scripture and as I pray. I ask God to teach me his ways...as mine have proven to not work so well.

So I continue to press inward...sometimes falling forward in an act of submission to God my Father.
Realizing my own sinful nature and my need for God has been huge. It is something that I wrestle with and probably will for a bit. God is full of grace though and that for me is huge.
So life is moving on forward. Seems like this kids has grown up a lot in the last year. LEarning to be open and honest with my thoughts and desires...and lining them up in direction with God's will for me. Kinda fun and exciting, yet challening and new at the same time.