Friday, June 16, 2006
pre Exodus...some brain thoughts
So the conference is coming up, my job is coming to a close and a new one beginning. A lot of stuff happening.
Tonight was a good one. As I reflected on today, I thought how true it is that apart from God there is no good thing. I feel the blessing of community, of seeking how to do his will and moving out into that. Of not doing life alone.
Learning to boast in my weakness. Ya...that is a new concept but one that I am enjoying in what feels a little twisted. To see God's strength so evident in my life. Him teaching me how to live and love.
I was writing yesterday while doing laundry and just wrote. Feelings and thoughts, flowing like water and onto the paper. It was freeing to let it all come out. I find the more I write and speak the more confident I feel. I am understanding who Kenn is. The gifts and talents that God has given me...makes me feel blessed. I like myself for the first time in many years. Ya, I got crap in my life and I am far from perfection this side of heaven...but I enjoy me. It is strange to say that, but it is true. I have been seeking out who I am in Christ Jesus. I pray and die to self all the time, yet God calls me to love myself as he loves me. So I can fully love others. Incredible concept. I just thought it was selfish or egocentric to love oneself...but I find that it is validating and important to do so.
I will be posting while at Exodus...if they do not have a computer then I will journal the old fashioned way and then post it all.
Phoebe and I continue to put God at the center of our relationship and it is refreshing and sweet. A frangrance pleasing to God. I love what is happening. I shared with someone from my housegroup how I have been seeing God restoring the years the locusts have eaten and I am in awe at God's timing...how perfect it is. Even though I think he is moving fast...I also know it is all about him...and not at all about me. I am a vessel, willing to walk with Him as my center.
I continue to be very thankful for Phoebe and who she is and where she has come from. I met her parents last week and felt an immediate warmth and acceptance.
So with that I bid good night....men's breakfast friday morning...it comes early.
Just leave with this bit of writing....from yesterday....
"I tried hard to mask my lonliness my deep need to connect with others, in particular, men.
Extreme neediness, pawing, panting, pouncing on the next vulnerable soul, to get my needs met.
Scared shit-less to think anyway different and not really wanting to change because it brought immediate pleasure and heaven forbid that I allowed myself to feel anything other than just that.
I clung to the absolute truth (lie) that this is just who I am.
Night after night I would go to sleep wondering...is this it? Is this all there is to life? Cloud my thinking, my emotions with my drugs of choice...medicate, medicate, medicate. Pot, poppers, sex, shopping. Mask it, bandaid it, keep it well away from any level of light source."