Wednesday, June 07, 2006


So we began the SALT program a while ago and tonight was a time of surrender. To most people that sounds foolish, especially in our world of control. We are to be in control of our lives and our destiny. Show no no weakness.
I listen...I read and realize that I have control do I ever. I want to submit to God. To have him in control of my life...yet I pick up the reins and go with it. Trying my hardest to have the right image, to put on a brave face, when in reality, I just want to hit the floor or the wall or crumple in a heap.
So tonight, I faced it. My own independance that I hang on to. That I cling to not wanting to give up. Thoughts that I can do this on my own, that I can handle this situation and yet....I know deep down I can't.

So tonight, after the teaching time, I just layed it down. My striving to be this all together man. This guy who just wants people to like him. That I can walk and not stumble and fall. That I will not let anyone down.
Well...that is my striving for this religious way of living. This concept of control. That I can control my destiny. I have everything under control. What a bunch of crap that is.

I need God. I rely on him. If that sounds like a crutch so be it. I seek after God's heart for I read scripture and as I pray. I ask God to teach me his mine have proven to not work so well.

So I continue to press inward...sometimes falling forward in an act of submission to God my Father.
Realizing my own sinful nature and my need for God has been huge. It is something that I wrestle with and probably will for a bit. God is full of grace though and that for me is huge.
So life is moving on forward. Seems like this kids has grown up a lot in the last year. LEarning to be open and honest with my thoughts and desires...and lining them up in direction with God's will for me. Kinda fun and exciting, yet challening and new at the same time.

1 comment:

Tye said...

Kenn you are growing in ways that you likely do not even realize. I know what it is to desire to be in control of ones life and circumstances but as difficult as it is you continue to step forward which is a huge encouragement to me to have another brother join the road less traveled. From a human perspecitive it can seem overwhelming but be assured that as you stated

"Seems like this kids has grown up a lot in the last year." The man within is emerging and taking back what the locusts have tried to devour.

Isaiah 65:24 (New Living ranslation)

24I will answer them before they even call to me. While they are still talking to me about their needs, I will go ahead and answer their prayers!