Saturday, August 05, 2006

hmmmm Saturday

Woke up! Ah, it's raining. I like the rain, not for 30 days straight but I do enjoy the freshness that it brings. Everything looks crisp, clean and refreshed. The plants looks like they have a bit more life.
I am learning more about what it means to live in community. The need to connect. Today I went for a bike ride with a friend and we talked about the Pedophile that was in the news. We talked about the deal the police made with him and they talked about how when he was monitored he did well and there was no problem. It was only when he was released of that did he start to act out/wander.
Hmmmm, now let me think. What is my character? I am prone to wander...each one of us is prone to wander in our own weaknesses. So when I read about the Pedophile, I look at my own life and I humbly thank God. A few weeks ago, I realized I need the body, I need community in a greater way. When the temptation is there to wander back to Egypt and to places that I know that I can get comfort just in the physical, is when I need to press into the body of Christ.
For me I guess, I am in introvert at heart. Once you know me you would think...ah, Kenn you are no were near being shy or quiet, but I am. I like to listen. I used to ask God to change my personality, or is that me trying to change how God made me?
This past week, I reflected. Man, I reflect a lot. I read a letter my mom sent me when I moved to Vancouver with my partner. At that point, I had decided I was gay and my family would just have to deal with it. I had battled long enough...and this is what she wrote...
"What I want to to, in this not so long letter, is give you TWO GIFTS. You already have the camera bag, but these gifts are of a different nature.
The FIRST GIFT is the gift of apology. I apologize for the things I did as a parent, in your formative years (mostly unknowingly) which did harm to your self-image and self-esteem. I apologize for the times when i became aware that something was different in your development, but mostly through lack of understanding, did not act upon it. Most especially, I apologize for not keeping in touch with New Directions, and for not attending a parent group to become more informed and more helpful in your struggle, once you introduced me to them. And I cry every time I think about this. I try to think about why I didn't do that, and I always draw a blank....
The SECOND GIFT is that of understanding. I have much to learn yet, but it is incredible to me, how much more I understand now. There is so much information about the factors in early development that contribute to this gender confusion. I understand so much better now about the constant preoccupation with sexuality which were so confusing to me before. I understand how the lack of healthy male role models and male peers in early deveopoment, contributes to the desire to fulfill this need sexually with men. I want to tell you that I have a much greater understanding and appreciation of the intense and enormous struggle you have had from a very early age over your gender orientation. I feel like you must have been to hell and back. I can't tell you what deep pain I feel when i think about that now and how it always causes me to cry profusely when I think how much of this you carried all alone with no one to talk to. I get this picture in my mind where I see you bent over with this heavy weight. But I do understand, that the way out is not easy, but doesn't God say to us, "Come unto me, all ye that are heavy laden..."

When I found that letter I read it and wept. Knowing that my mom...got it and at the time she sent the letter...I didn't get it. Not until I read it today...7 years later do I finally get it.
God has an amazing gift of timing, when we need encouragement he finds a way to send that our way. Today, I needed to read my mom's letter. She has been a great blessing to me. She keeps me in prospective, challenges my faith and loves others. Sure she has faults...and heck so do I. When Paul writes about being the worst sinner, I liken myself to him. I think who can be worse than me. Well...everyone is the same as me...none of us are worse nor better. We are all equal in the eyes of our Father God.
So bless you mom...may you continue to put your trust in your heavenly Father, who teaches and directs your path. You are a true lover of Christ.

2 comments:

Nathan said...

Kenn - this blog is uplifting. You are an extremely courageous guy! Keep it up!

Kevin said...

Yes, Nathan said it. Very uplifting entry. You are blessed to have a mother who truly tries to understand you and is willing to be vulnerable...