Tuesday, August 01, 2006
So I have been thinking a lot lately about provision.
Ah, this is a subject that I have not given much thought to in the last 8 years. Mainly because I tried my best to provide for myself or allowed my ex partner to provide for me. When push came to shove...I knew he would come through for me. He was always there. Willing to help me out, lend a helping hand. Yet...something was lacking. When push really came to shove...I was left holding debt...real debt. I know my part, my own desires for a certain lifestyle put me there, yet was ripped off in the end.
I harbor no ill feelings. I have long since been there in that pit of thinking, but what got me thinking today was this.
I was leaving work...Hesed, and I was biking home. The smell of the outdoors brought back memories of evenings cruising around the river...looking for a lover for the evening. I prayed to God...restore to me the joy of walking in the evening or smelling the wonderful crisp air...without the memories of endless nights of walking around, looking, lusting for men to meet my needs of affirmation and acceptance.
Then thoughts of an earlier conversation with a mentor who spoke to me about finances and where I was at in terms of my head space. I told him that I really want to see God show me his provision for me in my life. I do not want to beg or plead with people to give me money. In some ways, I wonder how Christian is that. So in an instant, I was reminded how my ex partner used to provide...lavish dinners and wine and presents. I longed for that again. I thought...how easy it would be for me to be caught up in that. To know someone loved me that much.
Ahhh....wait a minute, I heard myself say!!! I am an Israelite...longing to go back to Egypt, the Keith Green song playing in my head. Where I am warm and secure!
The house, the garden, the beauty of green all around. The large sunroom with windows all around...BUT...the increased knowledge that there had to be more to life than that! Materialism, consummerism...ack! It gave me no security. Yes, a thrill at the moment, a nice warm feeling, but what was I left with after the fact?
I am in a place where I have a roof over my head, little savings, no car, no high speed computer or the latest gadgets. I have no cabin to go to in summer. I do not have a retirement plan in place...though that is concerning me a wee bit. I am in debt from a relationship ending. We did not split our pensions or RRSP's or sell our home or car to be divided at the end of our relationship...I left. I could have fought, won...yet would I have? So I bowed out...took what little I had and walked away. Funny that tonight I longed to go back. To what?
So I came home and my cats greeted me at the door. Sigh! I saw my piano...a little out of tune, yet tinkled a few chords...softly so not to wake the tenants upstairs. I gave the cats fresh water, cleaned up my dishes and sat enjoying the peace and quiet. Late at night it is quiet here. I went outside to take the trash out and saw the flowers that I have planted and smiled. It is good. Living here alone, is good, very very good.
Do I have it all...hardly...but I am rich in comparison to many many people in this world. Do I wonder how my support will come it? Sometimes I do. I am human.
I long for the day when churches and christ followers support ministries such as New Direction. When they stand up here in Canada and say...We support ministries to help educate and minister to those who are wanting to leave the gay life. I long for the day when I lose my job because the church is doing it and there is no more need to educate Christians on how to love the homosexual...regardless of them changing or not.
Right now I long for the church to stand up...and love....like Christ...now wouldn't that be nice.