make my path straight

Today, we put on a one day conference on gender issues. It was good. I shared and talked with people and how they can love like Christ.

I love doing that, I love it...yet, it is tiring. So I took this photo this year when my friend Jeanne came and visited me. It was good to practice taking photo's at night. I love the orange.

Today, I realized something that I have to do for me. Something that I need to address in my life, something that is hard to do, but for me, it is important.
I have taken steps this past year to focus on living a healthy life and what that means. Sometimes that means saying or doing things that may or may not make people happy, yet, there are times when you just have to do it for your own well being.
So I am not sure how that will look, or what the results of this decision will be, but I trust in God my Father that He will make my paths straight. That he will be glorified in my life. I look to him for my strength and I look to him for my guidance.
But this is short, as I am off to my life group. I enjoy this group of people, we do life together and are slowly being knit together, sharing our lives with one another. That is what it is all about.
But first, have to go feed the cats, put food in my stomach and breath for a moment or two.
If there is any prayer warriors out there...please pray for my finances. I am trusting in God to do a miracle, as I try to be a faithful steward in what he gives me.

Dreaming of more....

So here are some pictures from this summer that I took, practicing with my digital camera. It is not the best camera, but I enjoy what I can do with it. I love film...and the joy of waiting for the pictures to come, but also like the instant feel with a digital. I need a bigger pixel camera, but I can wait on that. I am just enjoying this for the time being...baby steps into the realm of the digital world!!!!

Today, I am just happy to be here on earth. Life is crazy, seems like everything is falling apart in terms of my family, relations, and yet I sit back and cozy up with the cats or go for a walk and realize that I have it pretty darn good.

Things could be a whole lot worse. I could be living on the street, I could be sick, I could be alone. That for me is the biggest realization. That I am not alone. Even if I never see another person in my life, I know that God is present with me. That I cannot go anywhere without him.
I am reading "Messy Spirituality" my Michael Yaconelli and it is an amazing book. God's annoying love for Imperfect people. I thank God in my brokenness and my imperfection. I thank God for the imperfect people in my life...and in part...those who know they are imperfect....I love you!!!

I was reading a co-workers blog and saw pictures of Europe and then got thinking of my trip there years ago and praying for a time to go back. To go on a vacation. An actual vacation away from Canada. I have never been on an actual Vacation outside of Canada (apart from a trip to Mexico years ago with my sister and we both got so sick that we had to go to a hospital, cutting short our already short vacation). I have always wanted to see the world. To experience and meet people from all over the world. I am not a big tourist attraction type of guy...take me to the small villages and let me experience the small cafes and shops and scenery. Let me experience the people and their lives. That for me is seeing the world. So I pray that I can go on a vacation one day. Where I can play in the warm surf, walk in the rain forest, go into a desert, or on a safari. This is a different way of thinking...for me. I used to think that this was not a right to be able to go and experience the world...especially when I see millions of people that will never travel, or if they do it is for survival. But today, I long to go, long to go and enjoy the world that God created, to meet people from all walks of life. For the world to impact me in a deeper way.
Today, I dream!

grey cup,,,rah rah rah

okay, trying hard to remain sane in what appears to be an insane time. Have been listening to Crazy by an artist Gnarls Barkley...it is my theme song right now.
Life is crazy. What I don't know, is how things are going to proceed like they are now. I know that things are happening with my family because they need to change...but it hurts, it is painful and it is crappy beyond measure. What I do know is that I have to pray, I have to lay down the hurts and the ways that I would normally cope, because they aren't working too well right now.
So I have to do things differently.
What I do know is that in the past, when family became too hard to deal with I would seek out sex to make myself feel better. Now, I allow myself to feel this. To allow myself to go to this place as hard as it is. I am not supposed to feel good all the time...so why do I think that I am supposed to.
As Christmas approaches, I just want to go to a deserted beach somewhere, stay in a grass hut and lay on the beach. In a sense, I am wanting to run away...find some solace and some peace. Being single at 40, with no children...no home of my own, is often difficult. In societies terms I should have that all by now. I should have a home, wife, kids and have it all together...yet, I don't. So I am trying to create memories and good times now. Don't get me wrong. I love being single, there is a part of me that knows the liberty of being single, yet there is this part of me that also longs to be in relation with a woman. To serve her, to honor her and to love her beyond measure.
So there are a lot of things going on for me. I often find that it is not just one thing that happens but a lot...all at once. Yet, I have this inner peace...apart from the frustration and sadness...and frustration, there is this deep part of me that is at peace.
Today, I tried to fix my vacuum...ah, I know why I am not a trades man. I was frustrated and it kinda worked, but not quite, so I will bring it in all the pieces to the Vacuum repair person on Monday. Oh, the things we do. At least I know what the inside of a vacuum looks like.
Well...now I am rambling...not making sense of too much. I am typing on the new lap top...(work one) and it is quite nice. Thanks to the awesome computer guy...Andrew for putting it together...I owe you man...I hear you like a good beer!!!!
Okay, my cyber friends...ones I have never met...take it easy...love those around you, for you never know when they won't be there.
Shalom

I remember

I remember when I was younger and rememberance day brought about much sadness. I guess, because I saw it all around, living in a community that really celebrated it.

This morning, I got in late (okay birthday celebration ROCKED). I came home and by the time I put everything away, it was nearly 4 a.m., then I got a call and was informed that Harry Lehotsky passed away.

I remember meeting him for the first time. Here I was bright eyed, just moved back from Vancouver and wanted to "do something more in my life". I shared with him my story, my brokenness and my willingness to give up everything for Christ. I remember him looking in my eyes, understanding me, like no one has ever understood before. I remember his mercy, his grace, his kindness. Very soon, I was painting homes, biking from South Pembina to downtown to just work. I would see Harry out and about, talking with someone here and there. His walk, even and paced, yet with much authority and love. I started to see the people in the community as family. The times I would go in to the cafe and he would come up and chat with me...a stranger, but NO...I was already brought into the fold of family.
When I needed a place of my own, again, he took a chance on me, noticing something inside of me...a willingness...he gave me a chance.
I welcomed it with open arms and I became a house parent for the Maryland Transition House. It was an interesting first year. Ups and downs, but much learning took place. I remember when the fire alarm went off in the house because we lost power and he came over...already showing the signs of fatigue (and this was at 7 a.m.). When he left, I saw him meet up with a man on the street, and he proceeded to go get groceries for him at 7-Eleven...I stood amazed!
Harry never once complained to me. I know that he had pain way before he was diagnosed. He shared with me the frustration of not getting in to see the Doctors, or the waiting period to get specific tests done. Yet, he shined when he smiled, always helped those around and he took a chance on me.
Today, I remember a man, who walked like Christ...when I saw him, I saw Christ. He is now dancing the streets of Gold, hand in hand with His Father and laughing. I can see him laughing and rejoicing. As much as I will miss him, as much as the community will miss him and his family, I will remember him by walking the walk, talking the talk and try my best to be like Christ in all I do...for that is what Harry would want.
God...our Father, surround the Lehotsky family, the New Life Ministries, the people that he touched...his family. May we walk like Christ, may we love like Christ, may we touch others like Christ. Empower us, give us passion to step out and do the will of the Father who has called us to serve, and to give up our lives for others. Teach us and remind us that this is not our home, may we not store up treasures on earth. Teach us how to give.
Be our vision and our guide.
Amen.

rain rain go away...

so, it has been an interesting few days.
The rain, is actually refreshing and yep, I still hate wet pant legs!
It has a wonderful few days.
I bought a ring the other day...with strips of wire in the middle, wearing it on my left ring finger to remind myself that God is entwinded in my life. Every aspect of my life, he is in. I long to not be the same as I was the day before. I know that often we do not see change in our own lives until others point out how we have changed. I have been pointed at...I have been told how different I am and yet often I feel like I am the same. I often still have the same thoughts and desires and especially ones that do not line up to what I want.
So, how do I validate myself with those thoughts?
does that mean I just forget what I have learned, what I have experienced in terms of the grace and mercy and the restoration of Jesus? Does it mean I am gay still?
Nope...it means I am human. It means I live in a sinful world. I life in a place of brokenness, realizing my need to be whole. Realizing that I need Jesus...even more. It means I need to be open...honest and transparent...real.
I read about Ted Haggard...and I immediately became sad. Here is this influencial man. This "spiritual father", who has wrestled with the same feelings that I have. My heart goes out to him and his family.
But I have to go...the rain continues and I need to meet up with a friend...blessings...