Sunday, November 19, 2006

grey cup,,,rah rah rah

okay, trying hard to remain sane in what appears to be an insane time. Have been listening to Crazy by an artist Gnarls is my theme song right now.
Life is crazy. What I don't know, is how things are going to proceed like they are now. I know that things are happening with my family because they need to change...but it hurts, it is painful and it is crappy beyond measure. What I do know is that I have to pray, I have to lay down the hurts and the ways that I would normally cope, because they aren't working too well right now.
So I have to do things differently.
What I do know is that in the past, when family became too hard to deal with I would seek out sex to make myself feel better. Now, I allow myself to feel this. To allow myself to go to this place as hard as it is. I am not supposed to feel good all the why do I think that I am supposed to.
As Christmas approaches, I just want to go to a deserted beach somewhere, stay in a grass hut and lay on the beach. In a sense, I am wanting to run away...find some solace and some peace. Being single at 40, with no home of my own, is often difficult. In societies terms I should have that all by now. I should have a home, wife, kids and have it all together...yet, I don't. So I am trying to create memories and good times now. Don't get me wrong. I love being single, there is a part of me that knows the liberty of being single, yet there is this part of me that also longs to be in relation with a woman. To serve her, to honor her and to love her beyond measure.
So there are a lot of things going on for me. I often find that it is not just one thing that happens but a lot...all at once. Yet, I have this inner peace...apart from the frustration and sadness...and frustration, there is this deep part of me that is at peace.
Today, I tried to fix my vacuum...ah, I know why I am not a trades man. I was frustrated and it kinda worked, but not quite, so I will bring it in all the pieces to the Vacuum repair person on Monday. Oh, the things we do. At least I know what the inside of a vacuum looks like. I am rambling...not making sense of too much. I am typing on the new lap top...(work one) and it is quite nice. Thanks to the awesome computer guy...Andrew for putting it together...I owe you man...I hear you like a good beer!!!!
Okay, my cyber friends...ones I have never met...take it those around you, for you never know when they won't be there.

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