Wednesday, December 13, 2006

Enjoying the Pain!!!!

Sometimes life has a habit of bringing death. I took this picture while in Vancouver, walking along the beach in November. As I look at the picture now, I am reminded of how I am like that rose. The petals, darkened and the color gone, and falling off, revealing the seeds. The stem still yet green and vibrant.
I am like the rose. I feel like with this new life, there is a lot of death. I have had to put to death lots of things in my life in order for me to live and to truly live free. I am nothing without the vibrant green of my Father who gives me life.
Is it painful, hell yes. Awful pain sometimes. Right now I am going through that pain in a new way, a deeper way. I was saying to someone, that if it was not for who God is in my life, I would be dead right about now. Christmas is not my favorite holiday. I think it used to be in previous years, but I often feel depressed and sad. So I started to pray into this and wonder why! I try to think back at my life, as a child and wonder if there was happy memories for me at Christmas. I can't seem to find any memories. I can't seem to think of what traditions I have that I grew up with. It is sad. It is sad. It is sad. So I welcome that sadness and grieve the lose of what should have been and so I can move forward, even if that means taking baby steps, I am ready.
I have begun to do things that I love. To form my own traditions. Being single at times does not help, and there are days that I long to do this with someone else, but really, I need to know what I...Kenny I love to do. Before that happens, I feel like I am just selfish to want someone, because then I would be scared that I would be defined by that person, instead of really knowing me.
Again, there are good memories that I have as well, of stockings, sleeping in, cocktail parties and laughter after having a few martini's and enjoying getting to know people. So it is in a sense creating that for myself here.
But it still makes me sad...and I am fine with that. There will be a time when I am no longer sad and I can laugh and "be of good cheer" but right now, this is the season I am in. It may last a day, a week or a month, but I welcome this time of feeling. I welcome this time even though I feel like shit, and it's painful, because I know that this does not define me, I know that God is doing something, bringing me deeper into the knowledge of what his character is who I am in Christ. So I can come out of this with a deeper resolve, a deeper love and a deeper desire to know God at all cost.
Peace to those who are going through turmoil, sadness and grief, may God be the keeper of your soul and bring you comfort when you need comfort. May he surround you with the deep love that he gives so freely. Rest in the knowledge that God is doing a good work, even though it is painful, know that he is right there walking along side of you holding on to you with every part of his being...amen.


Tye said...

Appreciate your openess and honesty which makes my journey not seem so overwhelming. Bless you Kenny for allowing yourself to feel and not run form it, as you bear it you will become to know yourself for the man that you are.

lisaj said...

Wow Kenny. I'm so amazed by your honesty. It's raw and it's real and it's so awesome. God has such amazing things for you. I'm praying like crazy for you. I'm blessed to know you and there's so many things I appreciate about who you are and who you're becoming. The journey is never easy, no matter what the road looks like. But when we get to the end of it we realize how truly blessed we were to have any journey to begin with. P.S- you are forgiven for the hang up. And I'll wait patiently for the latte :)

Misty B said...

It is so refreshing to see someone be so honest about trying to figure out Christmas and yet still see the hope that the season symbolizes. I struggle with Christmas every year -- partially because it reminds me of loss but also because it is hard to figure out how I fit into a Christmas season that is mostly built around family. Last year I figured out that advent is actually traditionally about exactly what you are talking about -- longing and waiting and expectation. It has been helpful for me to know that the sadness I typically feel before Christmas was part of the process traditionally.