I can do all things...through Christ who strengthens me.

I was reminded of this verse this weekend as I sat in a field of color.
There was a group of us...5 in total that travelled to Oregon Ill, to attend an Exodus Conference. If you ever get a chance to go, GO! Especially in autumn, when the leaves are turning color. It was an awesome experience, just looking at the scenery.
But for me this wasn't the only thing that I felt in awe about. Here I am, 6 months out of a gay relationship. On a quest for holiness, knowing that I can do nothing without Christ who strengthens me. That I am utterly broken without him. I sat listening to people speak on Hope and restoration. That God pours out hope for this journey ahead. The question that was asked of us, was what did we get out of this weekend? For me, I was in tears most of the time. Both speakers, ministered to me in similiar ways. Both offered words of hope. That we are not alone in this journey or struggle. That we have others that are praying for us and encouraging us. That our focus should be on Jesus and having an intimate relationship with him. To base my healing on how straight I am or if I get married is nonesense. My healing is based on my relationship with Jesus. The desire to have that passionate relationship with him first and foremost is evident...it is what I desire. To lay my agenda down and just be wanting more and more of the Holy Spirit in my life. I felt "normal" at the retreat. I felt like I fit in and was comfortable. I had an amazing time with the 4 others from Winnipeg, who encouraged me and blessed me more than they know. The other people that I connected with down there too, I felt like I could be myself and let my hair down...this is in regards to Karaoke singing...okay singing Dead or Alive at the top of my lungs, pretty intense for me and I could have sung all night. The worship, sharing, messages were intimate.
So what did I get from the weekend? I got the chance to get better aquainted with the 4 other people in a wonderful way, tons of laughter and some tears. I got to know other people from the states who have incredible hearts and stories of redemption and hope. If you would have told me 6 months ago, that I would experience 2 Exodus Conferences and start placing my trust in God in a real way, I would have laughed at you. But, I am loving my life. I am loving the way God is orchestrating it. I love watching it unfold sometimes and I just become more thankful. It is still hard...hard facing issues that come up. Hard to face the realities of the struggle, but I am willing to do that. Before I would have closed off certain doors, due to pain that I did not want to face. Now, it is time to face them. Knowing that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
I was asked if I could read the last supper at the communion service on Sunday. It was a stretch for me. I usually do not like speaking in front of people, so I prayed hard. I asked God to take away the fear as well as take away my motives and agenda and that I would be an empty vessel, being used by God. It went okay. This is pretty much the first time speaking scripture out loud...and I hope to do more of it. So that speaking in front of people will come easier. God gave me strength to do it.
I travelled home from Living Waters today, not all that happy, yet not all that sad. I was tired and so my sharing was pretty unemotional. I felt though the presence of the Holy Spirit, and knew that I was being faithful in my sharing. The Holy Spirit showed me 2 pictures while the leaders prayed over me. One was a stream and my sin was being thrown into it and it was moving far away. Then I had a picture of a hallway in a castle and the secret doors were being opened and dust flying out. OOOOH! I could get scared here and close those doors, but it felt really good for them to open. It is what I have wanted to happen. So I will meditate on that this week.
So, I look forward in giving my everything to this journey. God is good, even when it hurts. There are good people around me that show me their hearts and tell me I am not alone...I am greatful to them.
Today, I feel like a man.

...on a side note, I had my best golf game ever...while in Oregon Ill. Thanks to the wonderful caddy and the two other golfers. Thanks too for the cheerleaders at the 9th hole. You all rock my world!

Why?

Okay, I am learning to ask God why! I am learning to ask him a lot of things...and realizing that it is okay for me to do so. To dialogue with God. That he is not just some airy, misty, magical being...but actually someone I can talk to and really talk to.
This week I asked God why. Why is this struggle so intense? Why do I feel this battle all the time? Why does it have to be so hard? I layed it on the line...either give me some reassurance that this gets better and that I will feel some type of joy in the midst of this...or just take me home...because it would probably feel better in heaven. Then I thought...what am I saying? I can't say this to God! Yet, why not!

God already knows what I am thinking. (pause) and he still loves me just the same. I said earlier in a previous entry and I don't ask for the struggle to get easy or be taken away, but that I will press into God...well, I want the struggle to get easier and guess what...I think it takes me, pressing into God. To fall on my face...screaming, kicking, crying, pleading, yelling, sobbing...okay, you get the picture. I came home from LW's tonight, went to the drug store, picked up my cold medicine, some vitamins and started preparing for tomorrow, leaving for 5 days to go to a conference in Illinois. I am looking forward to it, to laugh, cry, spend time alone, spend time with others. To meditate on the goodness of God and to ask him questions. It is time that I ask him. Not look to others to give me all the answers but to really ask him.

Why do I have all this head knowledge and zero heart knowledge. Somewhere in the scheme of life...the wires got severed. I took the wire cutters out of my pocket and cut them. It was better to not feel than to feel. But now I want to feel. I want to cry with passion, I want to laugh until it hurts, I want to scream until I have no voice left. I want to feel. But then I guess I do feel. I feel tempted to meet my needs in the wrong way. I feel tempted when I see a good looking guy on the street, or someone from my past. I feel tempted to think negatively and then I feel frustrated. Talking with God and asking him why.

Deep down inside, I know, I know, I know that God is in control. I see his hand in my life. I see that he is teaching me patience when I would rather have things handed to me. I see that he wants to build character in me. He wants to slowly strengthen me, so that I have a sure foundation. I see all that in my head. Now I want to see that in my heart. Because until then I am not fully connected.

So there is the journey so far. I will fill in more when I get back from this weekends trip.
Shalom.

Transparency

Merriam-Webster gives this definition on Transparent:

a : free from pretense or deceit : FRANK b : easily detected or seen through : OBVIOUS c : readily understood

Transparency reads this:

1 : the quality or state of being transparent
2 : something transparent; especially : a picture (as on film) viewed by light shining through it or by projection

I believe my life should be lived in a transparent way. If I see myself as a vessel to be used by God in my daily walk. I need to allow him to shine his light through me. My life is like a film being played. Life moves on and I find myself in a play of humanity. We are all in this film together. All searching and trying to find our way. We all have our own stories to tell. A lot of us look to God to help direct us and we put our faith in him. I want to be easily detected or seen through. I do not want there to be any pretense about me. I want to be readily understood.
God says that one day we stand in front of him and our life will flash before us and we will see every good deed as well as bad one...sound a little scary!! My only reassurance is the blood of Jesus that covers those sins, even the little wee ones that I don't think matter, so I say a big THANK YOU!!!

So what does it mean to live transparently in the every day world...work, relationships, family, church?
I think I am at the beginning stages. I still often cling to the warm fuzzy blanket of wall building and keeping myself nice and isolated. Don't let anyone in. Don't show that emotion! But, there are times when I let my guard down, maybe by accident, maybe on purpose...who knows. But I do. I don't often regret doing that as it brings me closer to others, allows them to see me as myself, and allows me to be real. Quite an accomplishment after years of self preservation. It is watching what I say. It is not going there...when I hear people gossip, it is running to God when I am at my wits end...when temptations surround me like an army...ready to kill me (okay...just wanting you to get the picture).
It is calling my accountability partner...who is doing a fine job...THANKS!!! It is allowing myself to feel. Be that anger, saddness, joy (haven't been having that a lot) and what ever comes up. Keeping it real, living my faith, knowing that as broken as I feel sometimes, there has to be some light at the end of the tunnel.

The Wounds Within

Living Waters...

Living...we are all living, breathing creatures, with any number of broken wounds in our lives. Most of us bury those wounds so the world won't see them...and better still, we won't see them. As I reflect and look inward, drawing into the corners of those rooms and closets that I have locked away, I find those wounds.
God has created us to live. He breathed life into us. We live in a fallen world and with that comes a price. Sometimes it preys heavily on people, and to some you would think nothing harsh has gripped their life. But in order to live we must look at ourselves and not others. We need to allow God in to those places we don't even allow ourselves in. God says he gives life and he give us abundant life. He wants to pour out his joy into our lives. He also wants us to embrace our wounds so he can come and enter and heal us. Be that through the help of others in the community as well as our submission to his healing love.
Waters...water is what we need to live. Without it we die. We are made up of mainly water. If we are dehydrated, we get sick. If water is contaminated we get sick. We often medicate ourselves with things that are not water and that makes us sick. There is a symbolism with water. Jesus was baptised in water. We are called to be baptised in water. Why? To symbolize the death of our old selves. So the water of God, is healing. We cry out for that water of grace and healing to enter our rooms and corners. To clean those dirty floors and wash us.
This week at Living Waters, I felt the stirring of the Lord the whole evening. I heard stories and I was moved. I felt it stir during the worship, during the teaching and afterwards. I got to my car and sobbed. I wailed, I felt the intense pain of heartache. Of a room being cleaned up. When I felt like a wall flower, really not exsisting other than to be the good son, to please others, to live a double life. To feel the lose of my childhood and my teen years. I put a song on the CD, by Dennis Jergan and he sang about the way God allows us to feel pain and when our hearts are raw and how he comes and ministers to that pain and heals our sorrow and broken hearts. I gave him the pain I felt and the sorrow. I realize this is a process. When I said in my story that I ask God now to give me the strength to face each new day and to be my strength, he was faithful yesterday with that. He embraced me yesterday and I felt a deep sense of contentment later in the evening. I felt like a content baby that was just fed. I actually felt warmer physically as well, I felt full.
I put my trust in God! I am reminded that others will fail me and that is why God wants us to trust him fully. That he will not leave me nor forsake me. He will be there for the long haul.
I decided today that I needed to put closure on the past gay relationships that I have had and so had to make a pretty tough decision. I wrote someone and told them that I could no longer communicate. It was hard because I thought I wasn't being this perfect Christian, that I was failing them in some way. Yet, I was reminded that I am not God. That God ultimately has more power and wisdom than me. He can move in mysterious ways. So I welcome him to do that. I allow him to do that as I step back and watch. Maybe that is when he moves. Maybe he needs us to move aside and allow him to take control. I believe we need to pray still, but I had to for my own health, spiritually and emotionally, step away from a potentially harmful relationship.
I trust God, and he gives me peace.
So the wounds within. I open those doors for God to come in. It may be one door at a time...as he does not give us more than what we can handle...but it is really wonderful to feel again. To those reading this, God is in control. When your life feels out of control, like a train wreck, he puts the train back on the track and take the engineers hat. Allow him to take the controls for a change and see what happens.

In my weakness I am strong

I was overwelmed with the sense of timing of todays sermon. Pastor G talked about Paul's weakness and how that made him strong. Why? Because he had to rely on God's strength and not his own. How many times in my life do I struggle to remain in control, how I try my best not to be "needy", how I battle with my sense of being alone. To what extent does this struggle help me. It eventually leads me to the breaking point...argh...I can't do it on my own. I was never meant to walk in this world alone.
1. God is here walking with me...often carrying me, but alas, he is with me...that is his truth and why fight that truth.
2. I should boast of my weakness and in that I will be made strong. That is recognizing my weakness and put my trust in God, who will supply me with all I need. I am reminded of that in terms of this past week, when I got offered a job, as well as some funds came to me via my old job. I keep praying for specifics and God keeps answering. I keep acknowledging my weaknesses to God and others and God intervenes and gives me strength. This past week, having battled a cold, I felt physically weak and with that emotionally. I put my trust in God. I admitted to him my weakness and he supplied my needs. I had peaceful sleeps and I made it through the week at work, despite hacking up a lung or two.
3. In admitting my weakness to others, they have stood faithfully beside me. I continue to do so. I continue to try to be open, even when I feel like shutting down. In the words of a friend...it is doing the opposite when thoughts come in to the mind and I want to keep replaying those thoughts over and over again. It is getting those thoughts out...talking with someone.

Last week I shared my Why I am taking Living Waters and this is what I said:

Why I am here?
For the past 30 years...give or take a few sabbaticals, I have been sexually active.
At around 8, I was sexually abused and this opened my life up to pornography, masturbation and a very active fantasy world.
Growing up in a broken Christian home, I did not have the support or knowledge to tell anyone or talk about what happened and this continued to happen to me until I was 17. My father was absent and my mother was the strong one.
I silenced myself with the pain and buried it. Everytime someone teased me at school, or when I was abused, I put that hurt away. I did not want anyone to see the shame and hurt that I felt. I thought this was happening to me because I had done something wrong and because I was different than other guys.
So I remained silent.
I would have been considered a good Christian (the good boy) by most peoples standards. I went on mission trips, went to church, sang in the church choir, did street evangelism, preached the good news of Christ's redemption. Yet, deep down, I couldn't accept it for myself. I lived a double life. Secretly going out and finding some guy to validate me as a man and this almost always ended in sex.
In the early 90's I attended a charismatic church and thought this would be different. I tried to live a life of sexual sobriety, and this would last a few months and then I would have a sexual fall.
I was put in contact with Tye at New Direction and went for counselling. I thought this would help me and I uncovered a lot of hurts from my past. I then attending my first living waters. During this time, I got engaged. I hoped that I was healed enough that we could make this work.
Soon after the engagement, I fell sexually with a guy I knew and I told her and we decided to work this out. Then a year later about 4 months before the wedding, I ended the relationship after another sexual fall. I wasn't going to put her through this again...or was it that I didn't want to go through the pain again. I took the more travelled road. I silenced myself again and basically disappeared.
Now, this took me into accepting the gay lifestyle. My attempt at the straight world didn't work and so I thrust myself into the gay lifestyle, accepting the myth that I was born this way.
2 years later, I was living in Vancouver with my partner who had pursued me for those 2 years in Winnipeg. For the most part the relationship was great. We had lots of fun, I met lots of people and things where going good. Then we started having trouble, and in my pain, I did what I knew best and I sought out casual sex to fill the pain. I again silenced myself off instead of dealing with issues in my life.
This past March I broke off my 8 year relationship with my partner. It was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. I was disillusioned with my life, the relationship, my past and present screw ups and I knew there had to be more to life than this. Within a couple of weeks, key people spoke into my life and I knew God was calling me to something better. He was calling me out of the silence that I held so dear, yet desperately wanted freedom from.
God spoke to me in regards to my adultery and he led me to read Hosea 2
The abbreviated version reads like this
"you took away everything because of my unfaithfulness and because I forgot you...
YET...you allured me, lead me to a desert, spoke tenderly to me, gave me back the vineyards. I sing as in the days of my youth, as in the days I came out of Egypt."
So I contacted New Direction for Life in Winnipeg and within 2 months I was back in the city I fled 6 years ago. But this time coming back, grieving, physically, emotionally and spiritually in such a deep way. I had the opportunity to go to an Exodus Conference and that for me was life changing. did it change the struggle? Not really, but it encouraged me in my steps of faith. Where before I prayed that God would take the struggle away, I now pray for his strength to carry me through the very hard times ahead.
So I am here because I admit my sexual and relational brokenness and I no longer wish to remain silent.
What do I want to get out of the Living Waters program?
I want to know God's love for me, regardless of the struggle, regardless of my shortcomings and failures. I want to know him as Father and how much he accepts me. I want to know what it is like to walk out of silence and realize that I don't have to go there again. To embrace the pain and to lay it at the cross. To not be ashamed any longer but to know that through everything God is with me. I have lots of head knowledge and I want to have that transfered to my heart. In todays culture I am taking the path less traveled by taking Living Waters, I want to know what it is like to not be defined by sex, but to be defined by who I am as a man of God.

Looking back for a moment

Today, I was packing up some items as I hope to move to my own place soon. I stumbled across an old journal. Yikes, the written word of the past. Now this can usually be interesting to read through the pages of the past, yet I found myself bored with the same type of entries, until it came to one that struck me.
It reads as this:
My dreams have been the same. Christian dreams, church dreams. Dreams of family members, churches, God, family, old pastors. I am confused at times with what to do. Why am I dreaming such dreams. At times I'd like to date women but I am in love with .......! Sometimes I feel we are just roommates sharing the same bed. I feel no passion. I really can't say anything about it. No clue why. Am I to learn something in this long period of passionless love making. I feel something is missing. I'd rather at times have children rather than cats. Flesh of my flesh, bone of my bones. Parts of this may come to reality, yet know of what eventually I need to do before it's too late.

I read then an entry about one year later and two weeks after I broke off my relationship with my gay partner. It goes like this:

I made a decision now to think it through. It is actually a calling. It will be difficult but I know it will also be wonderful, freeing in a sense.
I re-read my journals and the underlying score was I was missing out. I was living life with a missing link. One that I knew was missing yet suppressed it. I need my family right now. I need them around me. The familiar. The strength of their strength. The weakness of their weakness. I need to research my options there. I need God to open doors for me in terms of jobs. I need to find a career that I am gifted in. Everything seems clearer today. More peace. A bigger understanding of the goal set before me.

So looking back can bring some clarification sometimes on what we are going through at the time. It brings to mind answers to what we experience and how we handle situations. A year or two ago, I wasn't ready to end the relationship, even though I knew it wasn't going well. Even when I knew I was searching for more to life. Even though I searched for meaning through unhealthy means. Thinking now at this moment, I am thankful for the faithfullness of God. He knew the right timing. He knew. He knows my comings and goings, when I sit and when I stand...so then why would he not know my mind, and when I was ready to accept his calling. When I was running in the wilderness in the darkness of despair and he spoke and called me, shining in his light for me to see clearly. He knew. He knew. So looking back can be good. I am now looking forward. Taking one day at a time. Writing about my experiences along this journey and one day I will look back at these writings and hopefully stand amazed at the hand of God.