Sunday, October 02, 2005

Looking back for a moment

Today, I was packing up some items as I hope to move to my own place soon. I stumbled across an old journal. Yikes, the written word of the past. Now this can usually be interesting to read through the pages of the past, yet I found myself bored with the same type of entries, until it came to one that struck me.
It reads as this:
My dreams have been the same. Christian dreams, church dreams. Dreams of family members, churches, God, family, old pastors. I am confused at times with what to do. Why am I dreaming such dreams. At times I'd like to date women but I am in love with .......! Sometimes I feel we are just roommates sharing the same bed. I feel no passion. I really can't say anything about it. No clue why. Am I to learn something in this long period of passionless love making. I feel something is missing. I'd rather at times have children rather than cats. Flesh of my flesh, bone of my bones. Parts of this may come to reality, yet know of what eventually I need to do before it's too late.

I read then an entry about one year later and two weeks after I broke off my relationship with my gay partner. It goes like this:

I made a decision now to think it through. It is actually a calling. It will be difficult but I know it will also be wonderful, freeing in a sense.
I re-read my journals and the underlying score was I was missing out. I was living life with a missing link. One that I knew was missing yet suppressed it. I need my family right now. I need them around me. The familiar. The strength of their strength. The weakness of their weakness. I need to research my options there. I need God to open doors for me in terms of jobs. I need to find a career that I am gifted in. Everything seems clearer today. More peace. A bigger understanding of the goal set before me.

So looking back can bring some clarification sometimes on what we are going through at the time. It brings to mind answers to what we experience and how we handle situations. A year or two ago, I wasn't ready to end the relationship, even though I knew it wasn't going well. Even when I knew I was searching for more to life. Even though I searched for meaning through unhealthy means. Thinking now at this moment, I am thankful for the faithfullness of God. He knew the right timing. He knew. He knows my comings and goings, when I sit and when I then why would he not know my mind, and when I was ready to accept his calling. When I was running in the wilderness in the darkness of despair and he spoke and called me, shining in his light for me to see clearly. He knew. He knew. So looking back can be good. I am now looking forward. Taking one day at a time. Writing about my experiences along this journey and one day I will look back at these writings and hopefully stand amazed at the hand of God.

No comments: