Wednesday, October 05, 2005

The Wounds Within

Living Waters...

Living...we are all living, breathing creatures, with any number of broken wounds in our lives. Most of us bury those wounds so the world won't see them...and better still, we won't see them. As I reflect and look inward, drawing into the corners of those rooms and closets that I have locked away, I find those wounds.
God has created us to live. He breathed life into us. We live in a fallen world and with that comes a price. Sometimes it preys heavily on people, and to some you would think nothing harsh has gripped their life. But in order to live we must look at ourselves and not others. We need to allow God in to those places we don't even allow ourselves in. God says he gives life and he give us abundant life. He wants to pour out his joy into our lives. He also wants us to embrace our wounds so he can come and enter and heal us. Be that through the help of others in the community as well as our submission to his healing love.
Waters...water is what we need to live. Without it we die. We are made up of mainly water. If we are dehydrated, we get sick. If water is contaminated we get sick. We often medicate ourselves with things that are not water and that makes us sick. There is a symbolism with water. Jesus was baptised in water. We are called to be baptised in water. Why? To symbolize the death of our old selves. So the water of God, is healing. We cry out for that water of grace and healing to enter our rooms and corners. To clean those dirty floors and wash us.
This week at Living Waters, I felt the stirring of the Lord the whole evening. I heard stories and I was moved. I felt it stir during the worship, during the teaching and afterwards. I got to my car and sobbed. I wailed, I felt the intense pain of heartache. Of a room being cleaned up. When I felt like a wall flower, really not exsisting other than to be the good son, to please others, to live a double life. To feel the lose of my childhood and my teen years. I put a song on the CD, by Dennis Jergan and he sang about the way God allows us to feel pain and when our hearts are raw and how he comes and ministers to that pain and heals our sorrow and broken hearts. I gave him the pain I felt and the sorrow. I realize this is a process. When I said in my story that I ask God now to give me the strength to face each new day and to be my strength, he was faithful yesterday with that. He embraced me yesterday and I felt a deep sense of contentment later in the evening. I felt like a content baby that was just fed. I actually felt warmer physically as well, I felt full.
I put my trust in God! I am reminded that others will fail me and that is why God wants us to trust him fully. That he will not leave me nor forsake me. He will be there for the long haul.
I decided today that I needed to put closure on the past gay relationships that I have had and so had to make a pretty tough decision. I wrote someone and told them that I could no longer communicate. It was hard because I thought I wasn't being this perfect Christian, that I was failing them in some way. Yet, I was reminded that I am not God. That God ultimately has more power and wisdom than me. He can move in mysterious ways. So I welcome him to do that. I allow him to do that as I step back and watch. Maybe that is when he moves. Maybe he needs us to move aside and allow him to take control. I believe we need to pray still, but I had to for my own health, spiritually and emotionally, step away from a potentially harmful relationship.
I trust God, and he gives me peace.
So the wounds within. I open those doors for God to come in. It may be one door at a he does not give us more than what we can handle...but it is really wonderful to feel again. To those reading this, God is in control. When your life feels out of control, like a train wreck, he puts the train back on the track and take the engineers hat. Allow him to take the controls for a change and see what happens.

1 comment:

LightBulb the Clown said...

We thirst and drink/thirst and drink, but the water we drink never quite satisfies to the fullest. Why do we do that to ourselves. The water not only washes but quenches. So we are never thirst again.

I see you are experiencing some of the satisfication of learning to drink from HIS cup. That is so great to read.

We need to catch up. (one on one) Lunch sometime next week or something...