Tuesday, October 18, 2005

Why?

Okay, I am learning to ask God why! I am learning to ask him a lot of things...and realizing that it is okay for me to do so. To dialogue with God. That he is not just some airy, misty, magical being...but actually someone I can talk to and really talk to.
This week I asked God why. Why is this struggle so intense? Why do I feel this battle all the time? Why does it have to be so hard? I layed it on the line...either give me some reassurance that this gets better and that I will feel some type of joy in the midst of this...or just take me home...because it would probably feel better in heaven. Then I thought...what am I saying? I can't say this to God! Yet, why not!

God already knows what I am thinking. (pause) and he still loves me just the same. I said earlier in a previous entry and I don't ask for the struggle to get easy or be taken away, but that I will press into God...well, I want the struggle to get easier and guess what...I think it takes me, pressing into God. To fall on my face...screaming, kicking, crying, pleading, yelling, sobbing...okay, you get the picture. I came home from LW's tonight, went to the drug store, picked up my cold medicine, some vitamins and started preparing for tomorrow, leaving for 5 days to go to a conference in Illinois. I am looking forward to it, to laugh, cry, spend time alone, spend time with others. To meditate on the goodness of God and to ask him questions. It is time that I ask him. Not look to others to give me all the answers but to really ask him.

Why do I have all this head knowledge and zero heart knowledge. Somewhere in the scheme of life...the wires got severed. I took the wire cutters out of my pocket and cut them. It was better to not feel than to feel. But now I want to feel. I want to cry with passion, I want to laugh until it hurts, I want to scream until I have no voice left. I want to feel. But then I guess I do feel. I feel tempted to meet my needs in the wrong way. I feel tempted when I see a good looking guy on the street, or someone from my past. I feel tempted to think negatively and then I feel frustrated. Talking with God and asking him why.

Deep down inside, I know, I know, I know that God is in control. I see his hand in my life. I see that he is teaching me patience when I would rather have things handed to me. I see that he wants to build character in me. He wants to slowly strengthen me, so that I have a sure foundation. I see all that in my head. Now I want to see that in my heart. Because until then I am not fully connected.

So there is the journey so far. I will fill in more when I get back from this weekends trip.
Shalom.

4 comments:

LightBulb the Clown said...

Kenn. Enjoy the journey you are on, as tough as it is. (the illinois one too) God's so good. It will be great to see the results as He mends those wires that have been cut.

Keep pressing...

Doug..

Peter-Paul said...

We're cheering you on. Nothing really worth having ever came easy.

1 Corinthians 2:9
"As it is written, eye has not seen, nor ear heard, neither has entered into the heart of man, the things which God has prepared for them that love Him."

Trust Him for the things He's preparing for you.

Check out 1 Corinthians 6:14 to 20.
Underscore verse 20, memorize it and hold it in your heart and mind.....
"For God has bought you with a great price. So use every part of your body to give glory back to God, because He owns it."

Waiting to hear about your week-end.
God give you peace and joy.

spp..

hysteria said...

Keep on trusting God with this! Once I read the name of a book that was called "A Long Obedience in the Same Direction" which to me says a lot about our spiritual journeys.

Peter-Paul said...

We're cheering you on. Nothing really worth having ever came easy.

1 Corinthians 2:9
"As it is written, eye has not seen, nor ear heard, neither has entered into the heart of man, the things which God has prepared for them that love Him."

Trust Him for the things he's preparing for you.
Check out 1 Corinthians 6:14 to 20.
Underscore verse 20, memorize it and hold it in your heart and mind.
"For God has bought you with a great price. So use every part of your body
to give glory back to God, because He owns it."

Waiting to hear about your weekend.
God give you peace and joy.

spp...