Why?

Okay, I am learning to ask God why! I am learning to ask him a lot of things...and realizing that it is okay for me to do so. To dialogue with God. That he is not just some airy, misty, magical being...but actually someone I can talk to and really talk to.
This week I asked God why. Why is this struggle so intense? Why do I feel this battle all the time? Why does it have to be so hard? I layed it on the line...either give me some reassurance that this gets better and that I will feel some type of joy in the midst of this...or just take me home...because it would probably feel better in heaven. Then I thought...what am I saying? I can't say this to God! Yet, why not!

God already knows what I am thinking. (pause) and he still loves me just the same. I said earlier in a previous entry and I don't ask for the struggle to get easy or be taken away, but that I will press into God...well, I want the struggle to get easier and guess what...I think it takes me, pressing into God. To fall on my face...screaming, kicking, crying, pleading, yelling, sobbing...okay, you get the picture. I came home from LW's tonight, went to the drug store, picked up my cold medicine, some vitamins and started preparing for tomorrow, leaving for 5 days to go to a conference in Illinois. I am looking forward to it, to laugh, cry, spend time alone, spend time with others. To meditate on the goodness of God and to ask him questions. It is time that I ask him. Not look to others to give me all the answers but to really ask him.

Why do I have all this head knowledge and zero heart knowledge. Somewhere in the scheme of life...the wires got severed. I took the wire cutters out of my pocket and cut them. It was better to not feel than to feel. But now I want to feel. I want to cry with passion, I want to laugh until it hurts, I want to scream until I have no voice left. I want to feel. But then I guess I do feel. I feel tempted to meet my needs in the wrong way. I feel tempted when I see a good looking guy on the street, or someone from my past. I feel tempted to think negatively and then I feel frustrated. Talking with God and asking him why.

Deep down inside, I know, I know, I know that God is in control. I see his hand in my life. I see that he is teaching me patience when I would rather have things handed to me. I see that he wants to build character in me. He wants to slowly strengthen me, so that I have a sure foundation. I see all that in my head. Now I want to see that in my heart. Because until then I am not fully connected.

So there is the journey so far. I will fill in more when I get back from this weekends trip.
Shalom.