Wednesday, November 23, 2005

The Cross before me

Where to begin with the image of the cross so burned into my image.
Yesterday was another living waters evening. I went knowing that I would again have to confess a failure. How my heart was pumping and even though I knew that this would be a safe place, I still felt the constraint to maybe not mention anything. I went against what I was feeling and opened myself up.
This weeks lesson was really on the "will" of God as well as our own "will". I went into the evening wanting to really have my will line up to God's. How I often have such a weak will. That I don't stand firm when I should.
So at the end of the lesson, we prayed a prayer and someone sprinkled water on us. Then someone said that if anyone wanted to come to the front...there is a cross there, that we could come to symbolize the laying of our will at the foot of the cross. I am not one to go up. But I felt this spring in my chair and then there I was at the foot of the cross. Kneeling there I gave to Christ my will. My feeble attempt to try and do things on my own. You would think by now I would know better. Realizing again the magnitude of my decision to leave the gay lifestyle and the magnitude of leaving my ex partner. Realizing the importance of the cross. To have it in my vision as I face each new challenge everyday.
Two weeks ago, I went swimming with my student that I work with. Before going in the pool, I took off my cross that I wear. I can't for the life of me find it. I have searched for 2 weeks in pockets and it is no where. Wearing the cross for me has been a constant reminder of what Christ did for me. So not wearing one has been hard. I have found this week especially that I sometimes am reaching to my neck and there is nothing there and so I pray. I pray for the continued reminder of the importance of the cross. That I can lay everything there. That God gave the greatest sacrifice for me....for me! If I was the only person alive it would have still been done for me. To understand that...well, it challenges me. It challenges me to move forward. It challenges me not to give up. When I am overwhelmed with memories and thoughts or failures, I can say that I won't give in. I will not move backward. I see the cross as the ultimate gift.
So as I journey onward, I pray always to be reminded of the cross before me.

I read a letter from a friend who has been called to start up a church in a pretty affluent area in Vancouver. I read a letter from someone who was negative toward their letter that they sent out to thousands of people in the neighborhood. Having worked in the area I know the people. Most of the people have degrees...Have studied and are rather wealthy.
So for them to realize there is something "more" to life is hard. For they have the funds to medicate their loneliness and they have the intellect to tell them that believing in God is futile and only for the uneducated who need that crutch. He was even likened to the United States Right Wing Christian Movement.

I was quite saddened really after reading the letter. Part of me understood the person writing. If I had been given that letter a year or two ago, I too would have probably responded in a similar way. That saddened me. It also made me thankful that I am not there anymore. That through my journey...God rescued me. He became evident in my life and I came to realize that there was more to life than just working, eating, breathing and going to the best restaurants or the latest art openings. He wanted me to know there was more to life than just medicating the problems. So my heart goes out to the people in that area. I have been there. The cross was no where close to my vision...Yet reminders where given constantly. That is how good and gracious my God is. I hope and pray that others will see the true need that their spirit cries out for. It is not saying no to education or wealth. But it is realizing the cross before them. That there is a gift more precious than gold or silver....more precious than any intelligent conversation that you can have and with will change your life.


curious servant said...


Happy Thanksgiving!

curious servant said...

I came back to reread your post again. I would like to say something about each of your points, your struggle, your kneelig at the cross, your missing cross, your friends starting a new church, that letter.

Instead, I would just like to say that I appreciate your honest effort to draw closer to our Lord. Thankk you for your transparency.

LightBulb the Clown said...

The cross. A symbol with so much influence yet, I wonder, if really understood. In my opinion, it has become a fashion statement for many.

The simple cross I wear around my neck is rarely seen by anyone. Like you have said, it reminds me of God's gift and promises to me. That He loves me with a sacrificial love. That this love is also encapsulated with a HUGE portion of grace. What would life be without grace.

Thanks for continuing to be real, transparent, open with your struggle and with your emotions.