Thursday, November 03, 2005

laying things bare

Okay, okay...God I get it!
Painful as it is...I know this is real. I have a conscience. I have the spirit inside of me which convicts me of sin. So what do I do about it? Remembering what I did years ago and where that took me, shakes me into reality.
I quickly submit to God, to those who love and suport me who walk with me, showing me Jesus.
Realizing the wonderful aspect of being a body of believers who are real. Who understand their failings and who accept their brokenness.
I was asked a very thought provoking question this week, after sharing some tough issues that I have faced this past week.
"does it feel like you have been white knuckling it in regards to staying sexually sober?"
Ah....and when that fails where does that leave your resolve?
It made me think of how I face my struggle and my sin. How I face my fears and my shortcomings. Do I really give it all to God? or do I try my best to hold out until I fall?
I hope it is not the later, but sadly enough it is.
So I ask God again...tear my heart....tear it to pieces...and then rebuild. Again, it is a heart issue that I am dealing with. Something that I am not familiar with, but one that I want to embrace.
I am learning what it means to be a man. A brave one at that. Not trying to boast or be proud, because I am very broken and fully embrace God as my strength, especially in my weakness. But I am understanding bit by bit, what it means to be a man. A man who recogonizes his shortcomings and runs for helpt. I remember years ago, if I had a sexual fall, I would more than likely not talk about it and keep it hidden. But now I run for help...maybe not the same day, but a day later is pretty good.
So laying things bare....laying my life bare.

i was reading my poetry book and was struck at an entry in 1997. now this was the year I walked away from my faith and this is what it looked like!

Wandering
legs aching
head spinning
watching
looking
wondering.
Thoughts race
heart pounds
feet move faster
chosen
embraced
caressed
loved...?
for a moment.
used
wasted
tired
dead.
kpw97

How life has changed since. For those reading...or interested in reading...I want to leave you with one piece of advice from one broken down vessel, who is being mended daily....be open! As hard as it is and as horrific it might feel, open your life up. Sure it might feel painful, but in the end, the joy you will feel is life changing. I will continue to open myself up...be quick to confess, and to reach out before it is too late.
Thanks to those who are my supports, mentors and friends....I love you all.

5 comments:

workfromhome1011 said...
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Emanon said...
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kenny said...

Thanks guys, it is a journey. A wonderful journey. I am realizing more and more that the heart of the issue is laying ourselves bare. To listen closely to the voice that continues to draw us close. I recently read an article that spewed out so much hatred for those of us who want to change. It made me realize more and more how much I need Jesus. So in a sense I am thankful for those people who protest that. I love my life. They think I am supressing my true identity...and in retrospect, I was supressing my true identity years ago, when I lived openly as a gay man, went to pride parades, signed petitions, became an avide EGALE supporter. But now I rejoice in my journey of faith. My journey to understanding my true identity in Christ. It is wonderful.

LightBulb the Clown said...

Hey Kenn.

The journey never ends and that, in itself, is fasinating. That our journey is not of an earthly one, but an eternal one. For that is what kind of creatures we are. Eternal. It's a different perspective than what I am used to thinking about. I get caught in the moments of the day or week, struggle with "earthly" things. Yet, my focus must remain on the Eternal. My home away from my present.

Have a great day!!
Doug..

PS - need to turn on word verification to eliminate spammers...

curious servant said...

Beautiful, open, honest.

Thanks for sharing.