LET GO!

I was listening to a presentation done by someone who was sharing about the loss of their child due to a murder.  She talked about letting go and specifically 15 things that she learnt.  What struck me was as she shared was the similarities to my own journey with same sex attraction. 

I want to re-write them in a way that makes sense to my journey in hopes that it strikes a chord in someone else.  How often in our life journey do we really acknowledge the hard stuff.  The continued struggle with sanctification and letting go of the past.

When I walked away, I had to leave behind a lot.  For most people this kind of leaving behind doesn’t happen.  They don’t have to take drastic steps and so in my own process, I went through a lot of grieving.  Coming to really authentically walk through all the stages of grief was important to me. 

I needed to let go…

1.                  Of finding a happy ending to my story.   I had found Christ, but I had to let go of what my life would look like.  I had to let go of the happily ever after expectations, that if I let go of being gay that I would one day have no more struggle with same sex attraction, that I would find a wife and have a big family.  That life would somehow look perfect if I could just get rid of this same sex stuff.

2.                  Of fear.  Fear that would keep me bound.  Fear of the unknown.  Fear that in my healing journey that I would fall sexually with someone.  That someone would take advantage of me and cross my healthy boundaries.  That I would never have healthy male friends.  Fear that if I talked about my journey within the body of Christ that I would be rejected…considered an untouchable.

3.                  Of my grief and learn to laugh again.  I had to learn to enjoy life.  I was saying no to a lot of things.  I was grieving the loss of friends, family and security and memories with a partner.  I grieved the loss of pets that I had.  It as pretty hard for me at times.  Sometimes I actually felt crippled with grief.  In the process I had to begin to say yes to good things.  Yes, to life giving decisions which would bring joy and laughter back into my life.  I find this an on going process.

4.                  Ego.  The need to defend myself.  I had to let go of the protective wall around my heart.  The defensive mechanisms that would keep me away from others.  I had to allow people in and allow the walls to come down so people could see the real Kenny.

5.                  Narrow Faith.  I had somehow thought that life was a certain way in regards to faith.  That somehow if you struggled you were actually sinning.  I entered into this wide path of amazing love and grace.  Captured by the beauty of Christ, welcoming me into his arms of love.  It opened my eyes to a much larger and loving Jesus.  Even though for a lot of aspects my journey is on a very narrow path, my faith has opened like green pastures and I can run like a wild horse within the bounds of Jesus’ love.

6.                  Old me and make peace with my new identity.  Wow this one struck me.  Yes, I had to let go of the old Kenn.  The gay Kenn…and embrace the new Kenny.  Even adding a y on the end of my name was symbolic to a more intimate Kenn.  One of childlike faith.  I needed to let the old Kenn die and make peace with the creative, gifted, compassionate Kenny, walking in integrity, respect for myself and others.

7.                  Expectations, that life is fair.  This too was very challenging.  For instance, letting go of a home that I owned, security in the future.  Entitlement!  I had to lay that down and let go of the expectation that if I came back to God…everything would be easy and life would some how be fair all the time.  I know that ultimately God is in control and life isn’t fair all the time, but God is still God and his love never changes.  He is showing me that He is my provision and He cares for me.  He doesn’t promise life will be perfect and that I wouldn’t see hardship…on the contrary.  He promises that He will never leave me nor forsake me and that He will be there throughout the storms and trials.

8.                  My guilt.  That I could have done things differently.  That I could have made better choices and decisions in life.  That if I had done things differently than life would be easier now.  My guilt needs to go.

9.                  My need to know…all the answers to all my questions.  Why do I still struggle?  Why did we lose babies?  Why can’t it somehow be easier?  My need to know all the answers…I needed to learn to live in a life with tension and be okay in this place.

10.              Rage.  I needed to let go of my anger.  My obsession to seek out revenge on numerous people.  The bullies in school…the endless taunting, those who took advantage of me…sexually, those who refused to respect me, those who ultimately stole my entitled share.  I could let rage be my friend and yet, I needed to forgive and let rest.  I had to acknowledge first that the rage had legitimacy but I couldn’t let it rule me or rest in my heart.  That would have killed me.  Instead, it is a constant surrender at the cross. 

11.              Obsession with offender.  This one I had to tweak and say obsession with my past life.  Obsession with my ex partner, what is his life looking like.  (most of this due in part with the issue with our house split)  I had to lay it down.  It doesn’t mean it never comes up.  Sure it does.  I’m human and with that comes fleshy thoughts and sinful attitudes.  I need to give it over again to Jesus who is my advocate and the perfect friend.

12.              Need for perfect justice.  This correlates with  number 11.

13.              Dream of closure, live in the now.  Oh yes, my closure isn’t until heaven.  But I need to live in the now.  Live in the every day moments of what is going on now.  Live in the joys of today.  God has granted so much more than I had ever hoped or imagined.  Seriously, nearly 35 years of struggle…8 of those years I lived openly as gay…so I didn’t consider that a struggle, yet there was tension in the mix.  I now realize that there is no closure in the flesh, yet there is some closure in the spiritual.  Jesus has somehow done something in my heart that is so different than what I had for the past 35 years.  He is increasingly putting in joy and anticipation.  He is increasing and I am decreasing.  It is living in the reality that I will probably always struggle to some degree with same sex attraction, but authentically, I am way beyond that defining me and keeping me in a box.

14.              Hope of peace and reconciliation.  I regard this as my hope of peace and reconciliation with certain people who are not in the space for relationship.  Who have decided to end relationships because of my faith and their decisions to be gay identified.  I love and accept them, but they have choices that they can make to be at peace and be reconciled with me and so for right now, I have to rely and trust in God for them.  There are those whom I cannot reconcile with, those whom I would love to have relationship with, but for me at this point in my life, it wouldn't be healthy for me, nor my family. 

15.              Right to feel sorry for myself.  I had to let go of the entitlement that I had this right.  That I was so hard done by.  That if my life would only have had a better beginning that it would be far better right now.  I had to give up feeling sorry for myself and actually live.  I had to do love…and fill myself with positive emotions and allow that to come in play with those in my life.  I am a far happier person since doing this.  It is actually letting it all go…and living with eyes wide open and a heart ready to love…because I have had love extended toward me by my heavenly Father.  His love is immeasurable.

 These are just a few things that I have had to let go of.  It is constantly being updated, reloaded, re thought.  That is the process we all go through.  What things are we holding onto...that Jesus may be saying..."hey let go...and let's see what will happen...remember I have your back!"

I'm Sorry

As I re-read the last post, I realize that I may have come across as angry.  I spent some time this morning reflecting on the post and what transpired to even write it.

I have been reading a lot of scripture regarding "being Christlike" and yesterday maybe I felt a bit like Jesus in the Temple...overturning tables.  I also felt a bit like a prophet, unaccepted in his own country!

So I apologize for one comment that I made in my previous post.  The comment about waiting till an emergency.  

Each person is on a journey of understanding and with that comes their own ways of procuring wisdom and understanding and sometimes that comes out of the blue.  Sometimes we are taken by surprise, something that we had not expected.  We may even think we have had some teaching and have learned something and then "wham" it hits us with a shot to our stomachs, knocking the wind out of us.  In that moment we seek out others to support and help care for us.  That is a great part of being in the Body.  That we have others we can go to and find love and care...and support.  What is important isn't "the right answer" or even "how to respond" but in actuality, it is learning to love and learning to be loved, even in the wrong answers and when we don't respond well.  

I love the Body of Christ and I am part of it.  I think of it in terms of a bride, preparing for her BIG wedding.  She plans, prepares, sends out invites, looks for flowers, but also prepares herself.  She pampers herself, maybe getting a manicure, pedicure, gets her makeup and hair done.  She is planning the perfect dress, the perfect atmosphere and setting to marry her true love.  She waits.  She waits with baited breath and adorns herself.  She holds on to her purity like a treasured gift to be given away.  I have to think of myself as this bride...a bride who is looking to purify and get rid of all that hinders me in the "upcoming wedding" that is to take place.  It is living in this tension of the world and my own humanness and broken places.  I realize just how much I need Jesus.  How desperate and sinful I really am.

I also realize that because of my own experience within the body of Christ "the church", I can also become hard in my response to it.  I can begin to judge it, to dissect it, to try to hurry it along, trying to WAKE them UP...when in reality, that is the Holy Spirit's work...not mine.  I'm called to encourage, love and applaud them in their own calling...and sometimes to even admonish (to reprove gently but earnestly.  To counsel (another) against something to be avoided; caution...from www.thefreedictionary.com)
This is all part and parcel of discipleship.  To be on guard, to walk with one another, to love and extend mercy and grace in radical ways...all the while holding fast to strong theological truth!


Just as much as what I hope and dream for the body of Christ (the church), I dream and hope for me!  I am the Church and I am part of this amazing body.  With flaws, with scars and with a tenacity to want us to be ALL that WE CAN BE!  To be the healing community that looks past our own "need" and sees another.  I am part of the solution...you are part of the solution and the best part of the whole equation is that we have an amazing gift of the holy spirit to help us and guide us.  We have an amazing Father who loves us despite of ourselves, and a savior who is our advocate, who has made us all equal at the cross.


So, encourage a friend, love your enemy and tell someone you love them today, be it by word or deed.

Vital Support

This post is titled...Vital Support...for good reason.

 Did you know that all our support comes from within the body of Christ? We do not receive any Government Funding. Now you may think...well, that's great! But I want to let you in on a secret... "Did you know that the Government helps fund Diversity Training? Educational Resources/support for those seeking Gender Reassignment surgery?

In our city, we have a resource center that supports youth, adults, families, educational institutions, work environment to:
Broaden diversity
provide support groups for LGBTTQ youth
provide performance cabaret workshops
radical cheerleading workshops
drag workshops

They support all those questioning their sexual orientation and gender identity, providing information, education and support to foster supportive relationships. I went to one of the sponsoring links and that organization itself has 56 community sponsors across Canada...from public education divisions to folk festivals, art galleries etc.

What struck me as I was reading their mission, core values and all the free programs they provide, was the difficult fact of fundraising for our ministry within the Body of Christ. The difficulty to provide and support those who struggle with same sex attraction who because of their faith choose to not identify themselves as LGBTTQ.

My question...Where is the body of Christ? Are you being a Vital Support?
Are you donating to ministries on the front line, who are addressing Gender and Sexuality?
Are you providing funds for people to attend Conferences? (because you won't host one?)
Are you a safe place for those who are struggling within your community?
Are you a safe place for those who may identify themselves as LGBTTQ?
In your safe place, do you provide workshops, bible studies, and educational information on sexuality and gender?

When I left my gay identity and sought support within the Body of Christ, I was lucky (blessed), to have people who walked with me...a few close friends who supported me. But there are countless men and women who still live in fear, within the Body of Christ, who wouldn't dare even mention that they struggle with "this". Countless men and women who fear the "body of Christ" for good reason. I've heard plenty of stories.

I wonder if that's because they've heard words/jokes that would make it unsafe for them? I wonder if in their own journey's they look around and hardly hear people's authentic struggle with life. Struggles with lust, pornography, relationships, overeating, envy, shopping, etc!

It just struck me the other day...why it's so hard to get people to support this ministry. Why it's hard for people to even have us in to speak? Why do they wait till an emergency...and then who do you think they call? When the emergency has been just around the corner for all of us!

So, this may be a heavy...and if so, then you may want to think about donating! Maybe this is a challenge for you to see what the world is offering those whom we can't minister to because we lack the funds, resources and the people power to minister on the front lines.  If any of you want to know what is out there (culturally speaking) let me know and I will send you to some sites and you can see what it going on. 

If you want to hear more about ministries that are out there who are offering information, education, support to foster supportive relationships, Godly Gender and sexuality conferences, conferences to help marriages stay together and grow stronger, conferences for those who struggle with same sex attraction who are seeking support in not identifying as LGBTTQ...then let me know...I know plenty!

Crosspower Marriage Conference 2012

CPM Letter Video 2011 from Stonegate Fellowship on Vimeo.
This is a video by CrossPower Ministries in Midland, Texas. They put on a Marriage Conference where one or both spouses struggle with same sex attraction. The couples attend as well as their mentor couples. They also have a Conference for Parents.

I wrote this letter, not knowing that it would one day be spoken in this manner. Each time I hear it, I cry. Seriously. I am reminded of part of the Body who is really LOVING, RISKING, and being challenged themselves to give, to love and to embrace. Each time we have gone, we are ministered to deeply.

We are so looking forward to attending again this year. If you are interested in supporting us financially as we travel down we would gratefully appreciate it. If you would like to help please email me at kennyp66@gmail.com Even if you cannot help financially, we would cherish your prayers for us and our marriage.

Blessings,

Kenny & Paula

Trans....ition!

Gender identity can be very complex and complicated. Each persons who struggles with their gender identity is unique and precious in Jesus' eyes. He looks at the heart and not so much the outer appearance.

How many times do we base all our assumptions just on the outward and have no clue as to what it happening on the inside? Sometimes we may think, "oh...if __________ just got their life together, everything would be great. If they could just look and act like everyone else...you know...not be so out of place!"

I wonder a lot about how we welcome people into our lives, families and the body of Christ. I wonder how we welcome those who just don't quite fit our definitions or even our conveniences. It got me thinking of when I was gay identified.

When I came out at 30...it shocked a lot of people. Mostly because my journey was pretty isolated to my own self. I didn't let a lot of people in to see my internal struggles. Recently God has been healing my own perceptions of gender distortions. For years, I secretly longed to be a female. This began in my early years (probably around the age of 5 or 6). I didn't at that time pronounce that I wanted to be a girl, I just felt out of place and awkward in my body. I didn't want to be a boy...and I saw all these girls that played with dolls, dressed up and I liked that. I wished I could do all of that, so I began interpreting that "I was a mistake, that I wasn't like other boys and that I should have been a girl." Now, if I was affirmed as a boy (that masculinity is really caring for others...being gentle to dolls, and creative...dressing up) maybe with the help of good interpretation of my recording that distortion may not have happened. So internally I struggled with my sense of gender. Secretly dressing up in my mother/sisters clothes and when no one was around, I bound myself, wore make up and tried to look convincing. Early on...I certainly did. I prided myself in looking like a girl. I didn't have a word for this longing or desire. I found out later through the internet and through Television that this was "trangender". It kinda fit for me. Maybe this was why I was attracted to the same sex. Maybe it was because I was born in the wrong body...that God really did make a mistake, that somehow my DNA and hormones were screwed up. This was a birth defect!!!

But the idea of talking about this with my family, with those around me (small town) was totally unacceptable. I resigned deep within me that maybe someday I would transition. So in secret, I dressed up. Until I came out as gay identified, I began playing with make up, dressing up and eventually would go out in public on Halloween or other occasions dressed as a woman...always in the safety of the fact that it was now deemed "drag". I over exaggerated the "look" of being a female. I was pretty convincing on a few occasions. I went so far as to even ask my partner if I ever did want to transition would he be okay with it. Surprisingly he was.

So deep down, there was always this longing to transition. Some of the things that stopped me was the extensive surgery, the apparent need for plastic surgery to make my face more feminine (softer lines, smaller nose, removing the adam's apple, electrolysis, implants and the necessary removal of my genitalia. Even though growing up I hated my anatomy, I couldn't think of that. Maybe internally it meant that I would no longer be able to father a child (naturally). I know that I thought a lot about it and it sometimes consumed me with fantasy and dreams and hopes of a different life as a woman.

Today, I was reminded of God's saving grace and mercy. How almost 7 years ago, He showed me a bigger picture and began restoring my broken gender identity. My identity as a male and my security in my body is almost 180 degrees different. There are days when the residuals of my past creep in, old thought patterns and thinking try to overwhelm me. When I see men who on the outside appear stronger more capable more confidant than me and the insecurities try to consume me, I remind myself that I am a good gift right where I am at. That in my own mess, God is the one who continual cleans and affirms me. It is His voice that is the one of acceptance and worth.

My life is not perfect, I don't have it all together, I sometimes act quite different than those around me, sometimes I am awkward in social settings and say or do things others wouldn't. I am reminded all the time that I am not out of place. Jesus welcomes me to the foot of the cross and there standing beside me is other children of God. The seemingly "put together pastor", the drunkard, the prostitute, the orphan, the widow, the mother, sister, brother, father, co-worker, neighbor, teenager, gay, lesbian, transgender, two spirited, queer, adulterer, liar, thief, gossiper, those who envy, covet, idolators, the rich, the poor. The list goes on.

At the cross we lay down our broken lives and hope is put into us. Extravagant mercy is extended to us. With that extravagance is this amazing gift of grace and truth. Truth to who we are created to be. Truth of the glorious inheritance that we have and importance of our gender and sexual identities.

Psalm 50...reads well of this beautiful grace and mercy as well as discipline and hope. It ends with "But giving thanks is a sacrifice that truly honors me. If you keep to my path, I will reveal to you the salvation of God."

Lord Jesus...I give you thanks for opening my eyes, giving me new vision to see the importance of my gender. How you created me is no mistake, I honor my body as your creation. I am thankful that I didn't put it into the hands of others nor distorted and changed it to be something else. Jesus, I plead that you would meet each of us where we are at, would you give new sight. Bring a revelation of your mercy and love and pour out true understanding to your children...and those not yet your children. Bring clarity to our sense of gender and sexual identities...that are not based on others views, but of yours. Amen

The Cure?

The word CURE is a word that can illicit strong emotion given a persons life journey or even naivety of the journey of someone else.

From www.thefreedictionary.com the definition of cure is as listed below...

cure (kyr)
n.
1. Restoration of health; recovery from disease.
2. A method or course of medical treatment used to restore health.
3. An agent, such as a drug, that restores health; a remedy.
4. Something that corrects or relieves a harmful or disturbing situation: The cats proved to be a good cure for our mouse problem.
5. Ecclesiastical Spiritual charge or care, as of a priest for a congregation.
6. The office or duties of a curate.
7. The act or process of preserving a product.
v. cured, cur·ing, cures
v.tr.
1. To restore to health.
2. To effect a recovery from: cure a cold.
3. To remove or remedy (something harmful or disturbing): cure an evil.
4. To preserve (meat, for example), as by salting, smoking, or aging.
5. To prepare, preserve, or finish (a substance) by a chemical or physical process.
6. To vulcanize (rubber).
v.intr.
1. To effect a cure or recovery: a medicine that cures.
2. To be prepared, preserved, or finished by a chemical or physical process: hams curing in the smokehouse.
[Middle English, from Old French, medical treatment, from Latin cra, from Archaic Latin coisa-.]
curer n.
cureless adj.
Synonyms: cure, heal, remedy
These verbs mean to set right an undesirable or unhealthy condition: cure an ailing economy; heal a wounded spirit; remedy a structural defect.


I have been mulling over this word, and the definition of it as it pertains to the issue of same gender attraction and primarily what this word means for me as I continue to walk out the realization that I am same gender attracted.

I am a male, I am married to a female and I have a child. For those who know my journey, they could use the word "cured" in a way that means, Kenny is cured from homosexuality. That has actually been communicated with me. The very fact that I am married to a woman, must mean I am cured of same sex attraction.

WRONG

First, my definition of cure means so much more than a simplistic definition or even worldly view. It has everything to do with my relationship with Jesus. It is a fundamental shift from a regulatory meaning of cure to a spiritual cure. Cure for me comes from acknowledging that I no longer am in control of my sexuality. I have submitted that to God. He is in charge of that aspect of my life. Now you could think...WHAT? God is in charge of your body and your sexuality?

Why wouldn't it? If we view the fact that we are born into sin Psalm 51:5 (or the propensity right from birth to sin) and realize from Jeremiah 17:9 and our hearts are quick to deceive us The heart (our feelings, will and intellect) is deceitful (fraudulent, crooked, polluted) above all things desperately wicked (to be frail, feeble, incurable, sick, woeful) who can know(properly, to ascertain by seeing; used in a great variety of senses, figuratively, literally, euphemistically and inferentially) it.

My 'cure' did not come from a program, a ministry or saying or doing the right thing, and it didn't come with the disappearance of my same sex attraction. Change/Cure came from my acknowledging that I am no longer in control of my sexuality. It was acknowledging the importance of Godly sexuality and handing over the controls to God, rather than taking it into my own hands, controlling it. It was also experiencing the breadth and depth of the grace extended through Christ. So often we demand others to quickly conform or give them unrealistic expectations to how someone heals and is restored. Sometimes it is proclaimed that to be cured, one must not experience a struggle or temptation with the issue ever again. My 'cure' came by acknowledging that Jesus died for my sin. He took my humanness and placed it on the cross. He leveled the ground at the cross...not only inviting me there, but everyone else too! We are all welcome at the cross of Christ. It was realizing that even though I will most likely struggle with my gender identity or my self worth as a male, that the residuals of my sin nature will continue to cause tension within me, I have settled that I live in this place. Not in drudgery, or complacency, but with a hunger to know God more, to know my worth in him and to know that through Jesus, I rise not in my own power/strength but through the resurrection mercy or Jesus, who is my strength...who has extended a gift of grace to me which frees me from condemnation, frees me from trying to be perfect, trying to meet all the requirements...He frees me to enter into a love relationship with him. This beautiful relational dance, where He leads and I submit everything!

So...am I cured? Yes...and I continue to be cured through the work of Jesus and the cross, until I meet with him face to face. Jesus has set right an undesirable or unhealthy condition (my sexuality) and he asks me to honor it by giving it back to him...all the time, especially when I don't want to. He is the one setting it right...He is the one who sets right all unhealthy conditions. As Paul stated...1 Timothy 1:15 "This is a trustworthy saying, and everyone should accept it: "Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners"--and I am the worst of them all."