A little yeast

You were running well; who prevented you from obeying the truth? Such persuasion does not come from the one who calls you. A little yeast leavens the whole batch of dough. Galatians 5:7-9

This past year, I have really been thinking a lot about these verses. It has come to mind on more than one occasion and so I have been mediating on what a little yeast can do. In context the yeast is sin and the dough is the body of Christ. Having worked as a baker for a few years, I know this analogy. It is true how yeast works it's way through the whole batch of dough. It doesn't just stay in one part of the dough, but expands, multiplies and goes throughout the whole batch. It begins to bubble and air pockets form and the whole loaf rises. It also begins to smell yeasty, a smell that doesn't go away until you bake the bread.

As I look at my own life, I can see how discipleship/community played a key role in my journey with Christ. As I walked in community with others, specifically as I welcomed discipleship, it allowed others to know me, and to ask me hard questions and it allowed others to speak life to me. It also allowed for the calling of sin in ones life. We need each other. When we decide to do life on our own and refuse discipleship we can begin to stumble and fall and we may begin to bend scripture and believe things to be untrue.

I remember when I began to slip. It was kind of easy. I began reading publications that believed that homosexuality was okay. That the Biblical understanding was translated wrong, that context was wrong, that the word of God was not relevant to today's living. Basically, I began looking for other ideas, other than the word of God to validate my same gender attraction. I slowly began moving away from the faith community and began hanging out with those with a more liberal faith, who said to me “God made you this way”. It validated my feelings and so who was I to believe. It felt good. It was no longer a challenge or a hardship to believe that God made me this way. I allowed the yeast to work it's way into my life. It began to fester and bubble, and it began to smell. I had a different aroma now. An aroma of independence, an aroma of anger, being gay was it and no one was going to tell me different. You could say I was being discipled but instead of Godly discipleship, I was allowing the world and liberal theologians to sway me from the truth of who I really was and who God created me to be.

When I look back, I wish that people would have had the courage and love to talk with me about my decisions. Maybe I was already too hardened to listen but maybe something could have been said to me that would have triggered a repentant heart.
Knowing what I know now, and having walked this journey out. I have come to a place of knowing who God really created me to be, a man created to worship the one true God, created in His image, not created as a mistake, rather one with gifts and qualities that are continually being redeemed and restored by submitting my whole life to God and in the community of others. I recognize that I need others and I need accountability and discipleship.

If I have a friend who I see is beginning to believe lies or is living in a way that may harm himself or others, I love him/her enough to talk with them. A little yeast in my friends life not only affects them but also affects me and those around us. When I allowed the yeast of identifying myself as gay to fester, it affected a lot of people around me. It spread to my family, my friends and my church community. So I love my friends enough to say something. Not in a condemning or self righteous attitude, but rather one with humility and love. I've been there, done that and know the importance of walking with one another in community. It doesn't always feel good, but in the end it is of value and worth to you and those around you.

Righteousness of Christ

My friend Sarah wrote this on my previous blog post and I wanted to quote her as this comes timely with a few conversations that I have had today...

"That's the argument of so many people, this feels natural, therefore this is the way to go and anything else is denying myself .. well .. hello .. we're actually called to deny self to follow Christ. Following Christ is not natural because sin is natural... living by our fleshly desires is what comes natural."

We are born into sin...and thus we struggle with sin issues...period! Those of us who are enlightened by the saving grace of Jesus Christ begin the whole process of refining and redefinition of who we are and who we are called to be.

Paula and I talked today about righteousness and the fact that we will be persecuted as followers of Christ. We will be ridiculed and laughed at, scorned and mocked because of our belief system. Sure, we could bend scripture or interpret it so that people would feel more comfortable, yet, who are we fooling? Are we fooling ourselves or are we fooling the one created God, who designed us and inspired man to write holy scripture. We talked about the church...each one of us and our call to holiness...not necessarily happiness. If it was for happiness sake...then I probably wouldn't be married to Paula (don't get me wrong...I LOVE HER...and would shout that on any roof top...and she has brought me MUCH joy and happiness), but what I am getting at is the fact that with happiness...we do things to appease ourselves, rather than deny ourselves.
Is it easier to blow up with anger at someone...yelling and screaming at them...
is it easier to just give in to that flirtatious advance and have an affair...
is it easier to masturbate...
is it easier to get drunk...
is it easier to tune out and just watch TV/get caught up in entertainment...
is it easier to lose ourselves in anther person...
is it easier to just identify ourselves as LGBTTQ...
is it easier to smoke up...
is it easier to just think of ourselves rather than the poor that live among us...
is it easier to just divorce rather than learn through the hard process of forgiveness, the beautiful gift of reconciliation.
These are just a few examples that I have been thinking about in regards to our walk with Christ.
I fail often. I think of how many times in my struggle with depression that I just go to the TV and watch...and before I know it, the whole evening is gone and I have not once asked the Lord in to help. I think of times when I want my own way, or think my way is more right than Paula's, rather than looking at what really is the issue and that is my own sin.

I love the church, because we/I are the church. I know that Jesus is coming back, and I want to live fully for him, sold out, refined and washed, cleansed and continually made more whole than the day before...but that takes work and that takes an attitude of denying oneself and submit it all to Jesus, the author and perfector of our faith.

Could I be so bold as to say, before those who are not yet enlightened can become enlightened the Church...each one of us...needs to fully look at ourselves, asking the holy spirit to examine us...ALL THE TIME, to see if there be any wickedness in us, to walk in full obediance...to take the hard road, rather than the easy way out, so that people can see Christ. Because as we take that hard road, we experience an extrememly loving and extravagant Father who is always wanting to lavish His love on that which He delights in...His precious sons and daughters. We walk the road of holiness, aiming for the prize set before us...and experience joy and peace and contentment in our walk of FULL submission before Him...our creator.

Lord have your way...in me today.

Rest

How many times does God beckon us to find rest in Him? Or are we too busy or pre-occupied with our own lives to not hear His voice, not taking the opportunity that God our Papa is calling us to.

Today, God totally spoke to me while holding my daughter who just turned one. She was feeling under the weather and was clearly tired and fighting sleep. She was easily brought to tears, everything seemed to cause her discomfort. I recognized this and picked her up and brought her to her room. I pointed to her bed and said it was time for a nap. She looked at her bed, pointed to it and turned her head and began to cry. I could sense that she wanted desperately to fall asleep but was having a hard time calming down. So I held her in my arms, spoke gently to her, softly, reassuring her that Daddy loved her and that she was special, and that I knew she was not feeling well, and that a nap would make her feel better.
She sat in my lap, facing me, arms outstretched and her wee hands on my chest, keeping herself from putting her head on my shoulder. Yet, her little head bobbed back and forth as her eyes slowly closed and opened. My voice continuing to speak softly to her, telling her I knew how she felt, that she could put her head on my shoulder. She continued to fall asleep in that position, until finally she put her arms down, laid her head on my shoulder, let out a wimper and closed her eyes and fell fast asleep. Continuing to tell her I loved her, as I patted her back and stroked her head. I love her so much, and feel for her when she isn't feeling well. As she fell asleep, God spoke through the experience.
I felt as if God was saying, "how often do you do this with me? When you are so exausted and tired, yet you continue to try to please yourself, do it yourself, comfort yourself? When I am speaking love to you, speaking affirmation and beckoning you to just put your head down on my chest and find your rest in me?"

I began to cry, knowing all to well the areas in my own life where I refuse to go to God first. When I know my Papa is tenderly calling my name, saying "Kenny, my son, I love you so much, you'll be okay, I know you'll feel better here with me."

I remember when I was so consummed with getting my legitimate needs met through same gender sexual encounters. When I was so focused on my rights, my desires, my thoughts as a gay man, rather than handing it all over to God, allowing Him to define me, to heal me, to speak to me and to give me much needed rest. When God spoke to me in the wilderness, He affirmed me, called me out of a gay identity, into His healing hands and told me, He would be enough for me. At that moment, I placed everything in His hands. It has been an incredible journey, one that I continue to be on. God my Papa is continually reminding me of the importance of finding my rest in Him. I can easily become busy, busy as a husband, as a father, as an employee, as a musician, artist...the list could continue, yet God continues to call me, speak to me and ask that I find my rest in Him alone and out of that I find my strength to carry on.

From Captivity to Community

I just attended a conference in Wisconsin called Exodus International Regional Conference. It was a great time to connect with people who have been impacted in some way with same gender attraction. Some people came because of a spouse struggling with gender identity; some came to understand their friends or relatives who identify as gay. Most of the people who graced the conference, however, struggle themselves with same gender attraction. They have realized that fixing themselves is impossible and they are desperate to find healing and understanding of why they struggle. In that desperation they long to find a safe community.

On Sunday, people shared how the weekend had impacted them. A few people said they were scared to come. "What if I am attracted to someone?" "What happens if someone finds me attractive?" One man stood up and said, "It's like saying to an alcoholic, to find your healing you need to go to a bar and be faced with your temptation." Yet that is the very thing that someone who has a disconnect with his/her gender needs to do. When you struggle with same gender attraction, often you feel that you need to get away from that which tempts you-your own gender. Yet that is the very place you find your greatest healing. These men and women faced real fear to come to the conference in search of an accepting community.

I heard heart-wrenching stories that weekend. Many who struggle with same gender attraction have been rejected within their church communities because people are worried about inappropriate attraction. Men and women who struggle with same gender attraction are often tempted by their own genders, but those relationships are also the place where they find the greatest healing.

A Safe Place to Heal:

In my own journey out of a gay paradigm, I realized that in order to heal I had to be known and know other men in healthy ways. I couldn't allow my fear to dictate how I related to them. I had to step out into an unknown place, first with an utter dependence on God, my source of strength. Without that, I had no foundation. I had to have men who took the risk to be my friend. Who shared their own journey into manhood and their own struggles, allowing me to see that I am not as "different" as I had always assumed I was. I needed men to give me physical touch. To be unafraid to offer a hug, to embrace me as a brother, pure, healthy and whole. When I left the gay identity, I was walking away from a lot of physical touch. Physical touch that I needed - and it is a legitimate need - but it was found in unhealthy ways and outside the boundary lines of God's intent for me.

I am always encouraged as I attend conferences such as this where people know their need, face their fears and know that they are in a safe community. Sadly, this is often not found in their own communities of faith. More often, they feel pressure to be something they are not. To hide their struggle. This goes even beyond someone who struggles with their gender, but also with parents who have gay or lesbian children, or spouses of those who struggle. They fear judgement on who they are. This keeps them bound in secret and held captive by the enemy.

We all need each other. We need authentic, safe places to walk out our healing and face every issue that life may spring on us. If we don't find that authentic community within the Body of Christ, we will find it outside of that. We will find that in the arms of culture who will embrace our false identities, who will validate our anger, our unforgiveness, and our own ways of getting our needs met. May God give us the strength to rise up and take our place as safe and honest healing communities.

Hope Within

Always be ready to share the hope that is within you...

Hope.

Do we have hope? Today, I left work and felt hopeless. I wondered,why am I bothering to work in a ministry that deals with so much hard stuff. Basically I get to hear the stories that others within the body of Christ do not get to hear. Today, I thought, this is just too much...and yet, good things happened today. Lives were touched by Jesus today...in the midst of hard stuff being shared.

Hope? I still have hope...but it seems it is getting harder and harder within our culture. It is way easier to accept easy answers in life. It's easier to just keep looking at porn...
it's easier to keep masturbating...
it's easier to keep sleeping with your boy/girl friend...
it's easier to just accept yourself as gay or lesbian...
it's easier to leave your spouse...
it's easier to keep drinking...
it's easier to keep getting angry...
it's easier to keep shopping......and we forget.

We forget those around us that love us...those who want the best for us. We tune them out to follow our own desires and feelings because deep down...it's easy.
Because in going the easy way, we can keep numbing the deeper issues. Maybe it's shame, a deep sense of aloneness, rejection, fear, low self esteem. Maybe we've been so abused that we can't even think of going there. We cope with the easy way. Maybe it's because we lose sight of community and the importance of walking in discipleship with one another. Maybe we lose sight of hope...maybe we don't hear enough stories of hope?

I have read a lot of columns, books, blogs and surprisingly more christian's who are taking the easy way regarding same gender attraction. As a culture and society, it is way more accepted and please hear me, if you are struggling with same gender attraction or you are identified as gay and lesbian, you should feel valued, respected and treated with dignity...regardless of how you are living your life.

I went to a seminar and saw a film that was put out by the gay christian network last week. It felt hopeless! Not hope-filled. I was hearing people share their feelings, their experiences, and their joy as they embraced themselves with the descriptive label of gay and lesbian...and then the film stopped.

As this topic continues to be brought up in society, the fear that I have had for years is that we are moving to a time when we are no longer able to say anything that offends someone within the church. That we can no longer call sin...sin, because it goes against someone's identity. In a sense it is silencing hope. The hope of Jesus Christ who transforms lives. Who makes all things new. But it takes work, discipline and sometimes it takes a daily giving up on things that are not the best for us. I came to realize that being gay was not the best that God had for me. He had something far more precious...and it turned out that it really wasn't about me anyway. It was about Him. My Father God...who's image I carry as I live out my days on earth.

I have talked about this in length as someone who has walked specifically out of a gay identity into the transforming work of Jesus Christ, who loved me enough to not let me stay in that identity. Was it hard work? Very! Was it worth it? Very much so! Would I do it all over again? YES! Do I still struggle? Yes...I will continue to as Christ refines me...until He finishes the good work that he started. He will bring it to completion...when I see him face to face. When HE says well done good and faithful servant.

Stand firm then...in the hope that lies within...the hope of transformation. In the last days there will be a great falling away...there will be false prophets who will come and many will fall prey to false doctrine...the messages will sound great...yet scripture will be misquoted, Jesus will be misrespresented...and we will be welcomed to please our fleshly desires...(those falling away will be those within the church...those of faith).

So get to know your Bible...eat it! Breath it! Listen to God speak! See if it lines up with his word. If you hear something and it doesn't line up to scripture...it is probably not from God. I hear people say...God said he's okay with me being gay or lesbian...and that is a lie, it doesn't line up to scripture, and it doesn't line up with the Bible contextually. What is true is that He loves you...period, but the holy Trinity is not okay with sin.

Find hope...there is hope. Run to it...and make it your friend. Rise up and take your place and let hope find a home in your heart and mind.

Through My eys...thoughts on the documentary

Through my eyes:

A documentary of individuals who have come to understand their gay or lesbian identity. They share their experience within the church community and their struggle prior to embracing themselves as gay and lesbian Christians.

My heart went out to the individuals sharing their stories of how friends and the church reacted to them when they inwardly struggled with their feelings, and how they reacted when they outwardly embraced their gay and lesbian identity.

I too experienced that within my years of inwardly struggling with my same gender attraction. Silently praying and pleading with God to take away these feelings. Crying out to him…endless prayers and petitions. Saying I would be a good Christian if only I did not have these feelings. I told God that I would do anything for Him if he took ‘it’ away. Since the age of 10…till I was 29, I struggled. The last few years of that struggle, I opened up and began to share the issue with others and sought help. I received good support in certain areas, but I thought the feelings would go away…why didn’t they?
I was in a healing community…what was wrong with me?

I could sympathize with each person…and yet…what was missing? Was it the environment that the movie was played in? Was it the people in the audience? Was it the facilitator? Was it just because I was at a different place that it somehow, felt hopeless and sad? Was it because at the end…there really was no hope? They had found hope in embracing their gay and lesbian identity, but is that hope?

I wondered and began to ponder?

Are we cheapening grace when we welcome people to stay in their captivity? I realize that someone who is identified as a Christian gay or lesbian no longer views themselves as being held in captivity but, as someone who holds a traditional Biblical Sexual Ethic does this make me unloving and unkind to say they are still in captivity? Jesus loved radically. I heard many times this week that Jesus walked in the market place, he ate with tax collectors, prostitutes…the down and out…those called ‘sinners’, if we use that analogy when we talk about Christian gay and lesbian people we are placing them in the same category as those called ‘sinners’, and Jesus never ate and walked with people so they could stay in the same place in their sin…he walked with them so they could rise out of that and live in the fullness of who He had desired for them from the beginning.

We cheapen Jesus’ love when we water down truth. Jesus isn’t this hippy love guru, who said only nice lovely things about love…and only challenged the religious leaders. He challenged all of us. He does not define us by our unmet needs, our brokenness, or even the ways we label ourselves in sin. He calls us out of that, into generous spaciousness with wonderful, healthy, safe boundaries for our good.

Having walked out of the struggle when I was 29…into the arms of the gay community (and yes, there is a gay community out there). I hung up all the guilt…and lived gay identified for 8 years and partnered for most of the 8 years. I walked out of the boundary lines that God has given his children to walk in for our good. I was angry at the church, and to those who spoke negative comments…about me…within hearing. So those were the last people I would associate with. Hmmm, yet God had other plans. God brought two people into my life who were in relationship with me. Both of them Christian. I find it interesting that we did not talk about God a lot but rather talked about our lives.

I was an activist. I wanted to change people’s minds. I wanted them to stop saying I was going to hell. I wanted them to stop saying that homosexuality was a sin. I read small booklets on what the Bible really says about homosexuality…and to my surprise…I was told those verses were taken out of context…and because man wrote the words, they interpreted it all wrong. Wow. I couldn’t believe it. Finally it was true. Yet…it still didn’t add up for me. I still could not believe that those verses did not mean exactly what they said. It did not make sense to what the rest of the Bible said about marriage, or how God created us as distinct genders. So I hung up the Bible too. Away, so I wouldn’t have to think about that. I prayed, I did good things, I tried to be a good person…and when I wasn’t I asked for forgiveness.

The last year of my partnership our relationship wasn’t going all that well and I had grown in who I was as a person, as a man, and I realized that this wasn’t healthy for me. That the relationship that I was in wasn’t good. So I broke it off. For me that took courage and guts. I began to work out how my life would look and what I would do. My plans were to begin again. Get a condo, keep working, maybe begin dating and life would continue on.

When we step out of the boundary lines of God’s design for our sexuality and who we are as gendered men and women, we invite distortion into our lives. We begin to be deceived by the world’s view of homosexuality and we believe that we are finally being true to ourselves when really we are being lied to and deceived. The enemy comes to kill and destroy and he is like a thief in the night…quick and silent.

I had silently and quickly slipped into the gay identity yet, God is the author and finisher of my faith…and He always has the last word. Not because He is controlling and unloving, rather He is our Father…who is kind, loving, a Father who painfully lets us go our own way.

God spoke to my mom in a real and powerful way one day. It didn’t impact me until later but she heard the holy spirit speak to her and tell me one day that I did not have to go back to Egypt. I was thinking this meant my ex partner…so I continued to make my own plans.

I know the plans I have for you…plans that are for your good! His plans for me. Not my plans for myself. Whenever we leave God out of our plans…and I mean, laying down our sinfulness and then ask Him…What are you plans for me God?...we enter into being our own god.

A few weeks later, I was out for a run. Troubled by legal issues regarding our separation and the dividing of the property…I called out to God and just said…I could use some help here, if you are there, I need you.
I heard God say to me immediately… “You do not have to go back to Egypt!”
I knew at that moment, that God meant my gay identity.

Do we wait for our lives to hit rock bottom before we need God? Do we become so successful that we do not hear him? Do we ever allow God to evaluate our lives in every area? Are we willing to lay down our gay or lesbian label at the cross of Christ? Does God really affirm us in our gay and lesbian identities?

God did not affirm me in my attempts to be my own god as I lived gay identified. I spit in God’s face. I cheapened His creation. I changed the Bible to suit my needs. I read the Bible with bias and could not allow the holy spirit to convict me of that sin.

I walked out of the wilderness…still same gender attracted. WHAT!!!! Not totally healed? Free of the attraction?
Nope. That was never God’s intent. I had to come to a place of understanding why I felt this way and I had to submit this to the Lord and begin to walk in relationship with others…of both genders. I had to begin to stop lusting after my own gender. I had to begin to love myself, and learn about who I was really created to be.

This weekend, someone labeled me as being in a mixed orientation marriage. I was offended by that. I do not label myself by my issues in my life. Do I still have same gender thoughts? Yes, but they are submitted to the cross of Jesus, nailed there, not being held by me, rather Jesus holds the issue. For I am dependant on Him, to be my strength when I am weak. For when I am weak, He makes me strong.

Being married to a woman, has been one of the greatest gifts I could ever imagine. I can’t imagine life without her. She is my best friend, my lover, my companion, my partner, and she is Christ to me and I to her. Her femininity welcomes my masculinity. As I take initiative, she is able to receive and we walk life out in love and respect, honor and trust.

Both my wife and I are not defined by our struggles or our weaknesses. I do not label myself gay…just because I have a feeling every once and a while. We are born again…washed clean, set on a new course. My label comes from Christ who bore my sin and shame. My label comes from my heavenly Father who calls me his beloved son…whom he is well pleased with. To call myself a gay man would call God my father a liar. He deserves much more glory and honor than that.

In all of this reflection over the movie. My hope is that each person in this movie would come to the full knowledge of God’s plans for them. To bring them into the fullness of their true identities.

Holiness...and unconditional love

This is in response to someone’s blog…talking about the sting of death

If I look back on my experiences within the Church community, especially as I first struggled with same gender attraction, I felt as if I was a leper, that I was actually untouchable. People could talk about anything else but my "struggle". I think if they had the courage to actually talk about homosexuality as not just the taboo sin, but just sin and had the courage to learn to engage a community to talk about the issues of homosexuality, things may have turned out differently for me as well as countless other men who I knew personally who also struggled with same gender attraction.

Having walked out this journey for over 20 years (struggled with ssa, then embraced a gay identity, and now having walked out of that identity), I feel for those who spoke out against homosexuality out of their limited knowledge of the struggle itself. Today, I do not feel angry or hurt because of my experiences, rather I feel deeply for any person who may have perceived hate from a message due to their own internal struggle with gender confusion. I also feel deeply toward pastors/leaders who spoke out against homosexuality not because they hated those who struggled with the issue, rather they loved them, and in their own way, tried to get the message out that God had something better for those struggling. I believe that no matter what the issue, most people have felt offended by God’s holy call on our lives as Christ Followers. When we struggle and feel as if a person just doesn’t understand us or the issue, do we internalize that as hate, take offense and then walk away justified? Or do we walk that out in a way pleasing to the Lord. Going to him with our hurt, allowing him to heal our wounds, but also going to the person who we felt offended by and working through a process of reconciliation and redemption.

When we hear someone speak and they talk about holiness and godly fear, so we see that as constraining or do we see that as good. Sometimes I sense that we have to throw away fear and holiness in order to justify certain behaviors, specifically in terms of theologically sound teaching. If I make a statement that linked homosexuality with Sodom and Gomorrah as God’s wrath toward the sin of homosexuality, I may experience hate mail, I would be pronounced a homophobe, and yet when I do more research and cross reference other scripture regarding Sodom and Gomorrah, I find that I have to make a stand and that comes from good sound theology. Jude 7 references the judgment to the sexual perversion of every kind and given the cultural milieu of that time, that would have included homosexuality. (note that I said included homosexuality…it linked all sexual sin).

For myself, I walk many years with the thinking that I was condemned to hell because of my struggle. I eventually had to walk away from my faith, because ultimately God hated me somehow. That he made a huge mistake with my life and really didn’t care for me. I hated the Sodom and Gomorrah linkage to any term of my struggle. I hated when others used that term. (To be honest it still makes me cringe when I hear someone just spew it out as a judgment statement when there is no explanation given).

Now I say this not as condemnation for those who are struggling with same gender issues, or even to those who are gay identified. I believe that God loves all people. Yet as we are enlightened and come to know our identity in God our Father through Jesus Christ, I believe God calls us into a higher standard of holiness and we should have a healthy fear of sin in our lives. For myself, I do not want to become complacent and comfortable with sin in my life. As Jesus felt deep inner rage (he actually uttered a response when he heard of Lazarus’ death) could we not feel that same feeling toward sin in our lives and the sin in the lives of others? If death is equated to sin throughout the bible could this parallel how Jesus felt toward sin/death? I have a close friend who is struggling with issues. I love him beyond compare. I have offered that he live with us, I have wept deeply for him and where he is at, because he is believing lies about himself, and to put it straight, he is caught in the grips of sin issues and he can’t see past that. I feel angry sometimes not at him, but at the enemy that wars at his soul, and enemy that is killing him. I would do anything for him. I see Jesus who did the same for Lazarus. He did the ultimate and raised him from the dead. Then he addressed the crowd to unbind him. Could this be a picture of rage against sin, calling someone to life and into the redeeming work of Jesus and then unbinding the person, ministering truth and love?

I wonder sometimes as we build bridges, how often we fear making a comment because someone may be offended. But in fearing making a statement, we are actually helping to keep someone in bondage to death.

For myself, I had people who walked the journey with me. Some understood the issues that I faced and some didn’t, yet they still walked with me. They still offered soothing balm to my wounds of death. There were men and women who in this journey out of a gay identity, spoke encouraging words, but also words that made me think. Words of challenge and sometimes they were hard words, especially when they saw me walking in a way that wasn’t life (when they saw me sinning). For me, my community challenged me to radical holiness. A holiness that feared the Lord of ALL creation and that fear was there because I knew the radical LOVE of my Papa God. The core gospel is unconditional love, God loves us despite ourselves. He unconditionally loves us because we were designed and created to worship Him and Him alone. He loves us because he knew us and imagined us even before we were even thought about here on earth. He knit us together, formed us in our mothers womb. Yes, it’s about unconditional love. What is the definition though of that unconditional love throughout the gospels?

As a daddy now, I see my daughter and I LOVE her with my whole being. If I saw her walking in danger I would tell her. I think I would probably shout it out, because I don’t want her to get hurt. She may not understand or she may feel as if I don’t love her, yet I do it because I love her. I have come to see God my Papa the same way. He loves me with a radical love, one that doesn’t always feel good, and yet he is the one calling me out. He is the one who shouts my name, because he doesn’t want me to get hurt. Our God of unconditional love disciplines us out of that radical love. Only because Jesus went to the place designed for our sin…which was death!

So maybe death is always supposed to be close to us, and maybe it’s something we should fear not just for ourselves but for others. I think we may have a greater sense of the physical death, but do we really understand death to the degree we should as Christ Followers? Do we understand the depths of the unconditional, radical love of God? An understanding so rich in love that we can’t help but fear the Lord, and speak boldly of His call of holiness on our lives.

Are we willing?

The other day my wife and I were talking about gender identity and how to support those who continue to connect with us.

A statement that we often hear is “I do not feel safe to talk about my struggle at my Church” or “they don’t understand my issue”.

Interestingly enough those statements resounded in my own heart as comments that I had used years earlier in my struggle with same gender attraction. I hide within the confines of those statements in fear that I would be rejected and tossed out of the Church, or worse, that those in the Church would just ignore me. Sadly, my experience was one of just ignoring the issue. I did talk about it and explain to my pastors that this is what I was dealing with. They referred me to a counselor and then not another word was spoken regarding my struggle. No one asked how I was doing or journeyed through the hard stuff with me.

For years, I held that against the Church. How could they reject me in such a way, shun me with silence. The very thing that I needed to talk about was held in the quiet confines of “he appears to be doing better”, “the counselor will handle this situation”. I began viewing the whole body of Christ through that experience. That the Church would not get this issue, nor would they be willing to walk with me or anyone else in a redemptive way.

I have walked in a season of forgiveness. Both for those who rejected me, but also for my own sinful responses. After my wife and I talked, I sat and meditated on how the Lord has moved in my life and redeemed my sexual identity. I meditated on Jesus. How he was rejected and I felt as if the Lord was giving me new statements to think about.

For those struggling with same gender attraction who are afraid of the reactions from those in the Church, are you willing to be open regardless of what people will say or do? Are you willing to talk, even if you are faced with a brick wall of a non response? Are you afraid that you will be rejected?

Maybe I should say, are you WILLING to be rejected? Are you willing to be misunderstood? Are you willing to press on despite what others will say?

I felt as if I heard Christ say that he was willing to be misunderstood, rejected and he pressed on despite what others said about him. Often times I have heard and I have even shared how I felt as if no one understands the struggle I face and yet Christ knew it first hand. He felt everything that I felt. Why did he feel the same things? He felt it so that I would know that he understands me, even when the world doesn’t. He did it all for me, for us. As Christ hung from the cross he spoke, “My God, My God, why have you forsaken me?” Was Christ saying this so that we could better grasp that even he felt forsaken? Did Christ feel alone on the cross, did he experience silence from God his father? How often in my journey with same gender attraction did I feel as if God was silent? When I prayed for him to take away the desires and nothing happened and I felt forsaken, yet God was intimately listening and speaking to me, I just didn’t understand his voice. Even as Christ felt forsaken, he continued his journey on the cross. He was willing to not give in and conform to the cultural influences of his day.

As humans we can aspire to be Christ like (we will never be Christ), and emulate a life that is similar to how Christ lived and breathed. As we seek to be “Christ like” are we willing to not give in to the pressures to conform to the cultural definition of sexuality that says you’re just born this way and you cannot change? Will we believe the lie that Christ cannot redeem our sexual identity rather he embraces us as lesbian, gay, bi-sexual, transgendered people? Will you believe that Christ’s power is inefficient to do it? Or will you believe that in Christ, all things are possible for those who believe? Will you trust a Father who is willing to do whatever it takes to draw you unto himself, so that you would worship Him and Him alone?

Are you willing to press on despite those who do not understand? Who may reject you and say you are foolish and not being true to the real you? For as I see it, just as I was afraid to share about my struggle with same gender attraction while in the body of Christ, there are now people who are just as afraid to step back into the journey out of homosexuality because of what the world around them is saying. I believe the Lord is asking each individual if they are willing to take a step and see what he, the redeemer of all things can and will do, if we would only take the first step.

Writing

So, I am looking back and revisiting my posts. Reading and digesting what I wrote so I can write again. What I found interesting is the people that I have grown in relationship with because of My Journey Out. To each of you...and you know who you are, you encouraged me along the path, and you applauded as well and cheered me along. Throughout some pretty tough situations, all I can say is thank you. Thank you for being Christ, for walking the transparent life with me.

May the Lord bless and keep each one of you and may His face shine upon you and give you peace.

Much Love

Kenny

p.s. I am planning on posting...again soon.

Do you find your rest in God's dwelling place?

Wonder

I wonder sometimes if I make life more complicated than I should.

Clearly, my relationship with Jesus is the most important thing in my life. I want to know him, experience him and walk in a good relationship with him. Yet, I strive so hard for him to accept me and love me.

Today at Church, I was reminded of something that struck a chord in my life. When I was a teenager, my biggest dream was to be a great designer, a hair stylist and make up artist. It was a dream. I wondered why I was so fixated with celebrities, especially with what they wore and after an event like the Academy Awards, I would retreat to my room and draw endless designs of gorgeous gowns. As I grew, I entertained the idea that I would be a hair stylist. When I shared this with a sibling, they said that this probably wasn't a good choice for me as I had previously admitted my struggle with same gender attraction and I was told it probably would be too much of a temptation because there are a lot of 'gay men' in the industry.

Needless to say, I never became a hair dresser, but in the back of my head, I wondered throughout my adult life, was that a dream that was meant to be or was it some fleeting desire that was fueled by my attraction or desire to connect with gay men.

Today, I reflected on something that our pastor said. He stated something like this, "If you desire to do something 'career wise' as a youth, do you dare dream to make it reality? Do you dare to allow God in to that desire and run with it, knowing God will bless you in it?"
I know that this is very much paraphrased, but it struck me in the whole area of being a hair stylist. I envisioned at that moment, working in a salon, my salon, owning a really awesome state of the art studio salon with some fabulous stylists working along side me. Is this from God? Was it from the beginning? Was the desire to be a stylist or designer something that was birthed in me because of my gifts and talents? Or was it a product of my brokenness?

So I wonder.

Why I stayed...

I recently read Gayle Haggard’s book “Why I Stayed”. It is a powerful account of the emotions and experience that she and Ted went through in 2006 onward. Reading how various people especially the Church community handled the situation brought me back to my own experiences with the Church, yet mine paled in comparison to what happened to them. I wasn’t a Church leader mind you, but still, how do we restore someone back to health and wholeness.
There were a few things that struck me as I read and I want to share those insights that I found very applicable and honorable in the book.

Gayle describes how she coped with the news, after she just found out from Ted that the allegations have some truth behind it. Shock hitting her, fear overwhelming her, specifically regarding health issues brought waves of emotions.
I quote from page 67:
“Ted had already climbed into bed by the time I came out of the bathroom. I slid between the sheets and let my head fall to the pillow. And then I felt Ted reach for me.
My heart broke in that instant. I knew the importance of physical touch in a marriage. I knew its power to bring comfort, healing, and validation. And I knew the damage rejection could cause. Broken people need to be touched, and by reaching out, Ted was pleading for my help. I wanted to help him; I didn’t want to reject him – but what was I supposed to do with the anger, revulsion and pain that were warring in my heart?
I had coached other women through this. Now it was my turn. I would have to press through my feelings and not lose this important opportunity, because it might not come again. And so that night I began my journey of choosing…choosing to love. I chose to press through my feelings of anger. I pressed through my feelings of revulsion and took the hand I had held so many times, the hand that had brought me such comfort in the past. And in that moment, I realized how much I still loved my husband.”

She goes on to explain that at she slid into his arms, sorrow overwhelmed her. She describes the sobbing as waves sweeping over her, over and over again. They both clung to each other, sobbing out their sorrow. Not comforting each other, but being in a space to let everything go, in the safety of the marriage bed, together.

I broke as she described how she felt and I wept as I read about her fears and the ways she still felt comfort with the strength of her husband’s arms around her, even in her pain. She had every right to tell him to sleep on the couch, in another bedroom, heck, even out of the house, but she chose something different. She chose to cling and allow her emotions to come out, in the embrace of the very one who broke trust, honesty and dignity. How often does my mind go to offense and what I deserve in a situation? How do I choose to walk in a way that goes past my own rights? Especially when it comes to being married and walking with my wife?

One thing my wife and I learned through pre marital was to always sleep together, no matter the situation or feelings that are there. No matter the situation, always sleep together. We have held that dear to us, even when we aren’t getting along all that well. When we love each other, but don’t like each other very much. It has caused us to still touch each other in the midst of our brokenness. Choosing to always sleep with one another has drawn us together and kept us moving together as a couple, through the hard stuff.

Gayle goes on to talk about listening to people share their stories. How everyone has a story and everyone wants someone to hear their story.
She states that she usually responds to the story in this way (quoting from page 121)

“Thank you for telling me what they’ve done and how you feel, but now you have a choice. Who are you, and what kind of person are you going to be in this story? You can’t do anything about the other person, but you can decide who you are going to be and how you are going to react. All of us have that choice.”

There is that word again… “choice.” We all have a choice in how we respond to circumstances and how we deal with the things in our life that rage within us. I have a choice to be faithful to my wife, to walk in wholeness. Being aware of my brokenness gives me the opportunity to make choices in how I respond out of the broken places. I won’t do everything perfect. On the contrary, I need Christ as my anchor and my supply. I need him to lead me in the way everlasting.

Gayle states a question mid way through the book, “So how did I get through those darkest hours in my marriage and family? I made a simple choice – to love. To cling rather than separate. To bring everything out into the open, as opposed to remaining sheltered. And I remembered something I’d learned long before: Love isn’t a feeling, it’s a choice – a choice we make every day, sometimes every hour.”

Here we are again at the word choice. She goes on to state again the importance of touch. How often do we as the offended one respond by abstaining from touching the wounder or allowing them to touch us? Our human response may be the opposite of the godly response. She goes on to say that Ted and her clung to each other and out of that choice, they both felt safer. She states that this wasn’t easy, but she was willing to go to that place together with Christ and with Ted.

What a beautiful picture of the body of Christ and how Christ draws us in, when we are wounded or when we have wounded someone. Christ is no respecter of person. He draws both parties unto himself, wanting to bring both people to greater healing and wholeness. Especially in marriage, I know that my wife and I as we walk together in the realm of culture, we mirror the image of God and we are called to be Christ first and foremost to each other. Does Christ tell me to sleep in another room? Does He say, cast away…or does he say…draw close, even if it hurts and I will draw close to you in your pain.

Forgiveness is key as we move to walk with our spouses in redemption. I love it when Gayle describes when Ted asks her again to accept his apology and that he realized how much of a jerk he’s been to have treated her in the way he did. How many times did she hear his apology…countless times, yet at this stage, she got it. She felt it deeply and waves of forgiveness flooded her heart.
Forgiveness will cost you something. It doesn’t mean you won’t hurt or you will forget the wrong, it does mean that you are willing to let go of the wrong and you don’t hold the wrong against the person.

I remember well when I released the one who violated me sexually. When I no longer held that wrong over him and released the wrong to the Lord. I had a visual picture of myself holding on to his neck…screaming the words, I forgive you and yet I was still holding on to his neck. The Lord was asking me to let go. It didn’t happen right away, but I saw myself let go, and this peace encompassed me and flooded me with mercy rather than justice and hate. I could actually release the person to the Lord knowing the Lord loved us both.

In the book, commitment is talked about in ways that go past our cultural thinking or even Church values. So often we feel validated to end the marriage because of adultery and yet is Jesus asking more from us, and what if the wounder is repentant? Is he or she worth fighting for? Is the marriage worth fighting for? Is the family worth fighting for?
Gayle states “This was the hill I was willing to die on.”

Romans 8:28
“We know,” Pauls writes, “that God causes everything to work together for good of those who love God and are called according to his purposes for them.”

I am amazed at the journey of Gayle and Ted Haggard. I am amazed at the Lord’s hand in leading them through the darkest hours and bringing them into the glorious light. Despite the emotions, the feelings, the rejection, this couple chooses to walk differently. Did they walk this out perfectly? I would think both of them would agree they didn’t, because they are human and no human is perfect, yet they were honest and made choices in how they walked this out with each other and with their family. What a testimony that God has written in their lives. May the Lord continue to use them, protect them and guide them, may they not turn to the left or to the right but keep their eyes on the prize set before them.

Psalm 90:13-17
O Lord, come back to us!
How long will you delay?
Take pity on your servants!
Satisfy us each morning with your unfailing love, so we may sing for joy to the end of our lives.
Give us gladness in proportion to our former misery!
Replace the evil years with good.
Let us, your servants, see your work again;
let our children see your glory.
And may the Lord our God
show us his approval
and make our efforts successful.
Yes, make our efforts successful!

Fool for Christ

How do I attempt to explain to someone that I once was gay and am no longer? That I am now married to a woman and have a baby?

Culturally speaking I am a fool. I am lying to myself and to my wife and to my daughter. I must be this terrible person stringing my wife along, lying to everyone I know and to myself as well. The voice of culture states that eventually I will come out of the closet and that I will admit my sexuality, and they will applaud my relinquishing my “false identity as a so called straight man”. My so called unhappiness and unfullfillment will lead me out of where I am at present and into the world’s standard of living. Some people looking at my life now, will state that I really wasn’t gay to begin with, that I was probably bi-sexual or just experimenting.

All of this is expressed without the full knowledge of my life and what has happened in my life. These are generalized statements which are made without even knowing me and how I think or feel These are judgment statements, definitely not words of acceptance and diversity, which are used so much in today’s statements of human rights.

Having just returned from a marriage conference which was designed specifically for those whose marriages were impacted by homosexuality in some way, I was reminded of our foolishness in the eyes of the culture of today.

1 Corinthians 1:27 says: “But God has chosen the foolish things of the world to put to shame the wise, and God has chosen the weak things of the world to put to shame the things which are mighty;”

To the world marriages which stay together even though impacted by someone who struggles with homosexuality is foolish. The husband or wife (the one who doesn’t struggle with ‘this’ issue) is considered a door mat, naïve, ignorant, stupid and weak, yet God uses the weak things to be strong. He uses the foolish things to confound the wise.
Sadly this is a view that is becoming increasingly more welcomed in the body of Christ. Welcoming the easy way out, as divorce rate rises way past the world’s statistics. Is there hope? Do we believe that God is a God of impossibilities and do we believe that He can do anything? Many marriages have survived the homosexual struggle of a spouse, as they submit their marriage and lives into the healing hands of God, rather than through the eyes of the world. Many lives are being transformed and made new. These lives are changing because of their radical belief in a God who does not leave them undone, empty handed or alone. Trust is being rebuilt in the arms of hope and this takes strength, courage and much submission to the Lord Jesus, rather than trusting in ourselves and our own strength.

This past weekend I met men and women fighting for their lives and for their marriages. I saw and heard them, desperate and needy, pouring out their lives at the foot of the cross and in the body of Christ. The Lord God Almighty heard their cries, wiped their tears and soothed their hearts. These men and women may have looked foolish, weak and sickly dysfunctional to the world standard of strength, but what I saw was genuine strength, courage, honor and love. I saw a community that couldn’t care less of what the world thought, but radically pressed in to serve one another in prayer and love. I saw beauty in the ashes of many couples.

2 Corinthians 12:10 states, “that is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”

I am thankful that I have this weakness, that I will be insulted by the world, that it will be hard sometimes and I will face plenty of persecution from the world’s eyes, for when I am weak, then I am strong. This foolish standard of pressing in to Christ even as I struggle with same gender issues, this embracing my ‘true identity’ as a male made in the very image of God, designed to walk with my wife as two people united to show the world the character of God is good. Very good. I do it with joy, and with the utmost of gratitude to Christ who was the ultimate fool.

Dedication...a deeper thought

Today we had our baby dedicated at our Church Community. Family and friends stood with us as we vowed that we would raise her in the knowledge of Jesus Christ.

Today, was a day of high emotions, and I held back for most of the morning, but as the day progressed, I began to unravel. Watching those in our community interact with Phoebe and us, her parents, I was reminded of the walking with these people prior to Phoebe's arrival...and prior to Paula and I marrying...and prior to me coming back to the Lord.

This morning as Paula and I prepared to go to Church, I looked at her in wonder and said, "Could you have imagined this ever?"

Both of us said "No!" This was something that both of us thought would never happen in our life. First to be walking in health, second to have met and married, and third to now have a child to raise. She has been in our lives for just under 4 months and we realize it seems she has always been with us. God has pretty much changed our lives with her presence, creating a deeper dependency on Him who created her.

But I am overwhelmed. As I see those in our lives who will walk out their faith in the presence of Phoebe. Who will inspire her to be Christ like, who will spur her on in her faith. My mom who wrote a card to Phoebe said, that her hope for Phoebe is that the two of them will meet in glory. What a sweet day that will be.

Knowing that we are 'older' parents, means looking after ourselves, caring for what God gave us as vessels and trusting that God will provide all we need to parent well and to provide for Phoebe as she grows up. Our hope for her is that she make her faith her own. That she accepts Jesus and lives for him the rest of her days. That she never waivers to the left or to the right.

We are blessed to have people in our lives who love us and care for us. We are overjoyed really with Jesus, and how he has transformed two people out of darkness into his glorious light. As I stood there in front of the church, I looked at the two other girls being dedicated. I know one of the little girls stories of how she got to be with her parents...and their parents know Phoebe's parents story, and the miracle that she is even present today. So we smiled knowing the greater story that God wants to do in these girls lives. To be a prophetic voice in our community, and in our world.

Lord you are so good to us. I am so grateful and my heart is full. Full of love for you, and your desire for us as your children...Lord help us parent well, out of the parenting we learn from you.

Reveal in order to Heal

Romans 5:1-5
Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And Hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.

In response to a dear friend this week, I found myself again going to Romans 5 and reading again the words of Hope. So often we are stuck in our troubles and find we have no hope, we are lost in the images of despair and hopelessness. What struck me as I read these verses was the words rejoice in our suffering. What does that mean exactly? Having suffered, do I really remember rejoicing? When I felt the lowest of low, was my first thought rejoice?

When we are in pain, the last thing we want to do is rejoice. But as I was reading this scripture, I wondered if I could re state that word in that sentence. What if it meant, be “honest” in our sufferings. Meaning we are open with our feelings, hurt and our pain, and out of that honesty and knowing that God is for us and He suffers with us, brings us to perseverance then character and finally HOPE.

When I was training for the marathon, I suffered. Oh did I suffer. I wanted to quit. I wanted to throw in the towel, but I pushed through. I had this goal and I wanted it really bad. I was honest with my friends when I told them about my training, and how hard it was for me and my wanting to quit. They urged me on, encouraging me to keep going and not to throw away all the work I had done to train. I began to listen to music as I ran. I began to enjoy the pain (crazy) and it brought about perseverance that I can do this. It then built up my character and I knew that I felt good about myself. I then could hope that I could do it. HOPE!

I also remember suffering as I left the gay identity that I was so firmly attached to. I remember the days when images, thoughts, memories, smells, and sites drew me to want to lay down all the hard work and just forget this perseverance thing. But I longed for God, and longed for something more than the hopelessness that I found in my gay identity. I talked about my pain, and suffering. I did not want to stay in that place, but knew I needed to talk, be honest and “feel” the emotions that God was bringing to the surface in my life. The phrase “God reveals in order to heal” has become a phrase that I welcome, even though it will bring pain, I know that it is for my healing. The more I put a lid on the painful areas in my life that God wants to touch, the more I stay in prison to that pain.

God longs for us to give him the pain, the suffering that we are feeling. He longs for us to be honest with Him and others, the body of Christ. How are we being honest? How are we doing with the painful places still lingering in our hearts? Do we believe God to be big enough for our pain, or is our pain too big for the Creator of the Universe? To the one who painfully sacrificed His only son for us?

Proverbs 10:3 says: "The Lord will NOT let the godly go hungry, but he refuses to satisfy the craving of the wicked." God will not leave us nor forsake us. He will not let our needs go unmet, or our pain not healed. When we turn to other cravings to get our pain resolved rather than to God, it will not satisfy us. It may give us some temporary relief but it will not satisfy us. Entertainment, drugs, alcohol, shopping, eating, not eating, and relationships are a few examples of temporary coping mechanisms, they are not all together wrong, but when we abuse them, or use them to cover up pain, they can be detrimental to our health in all areas of our life.

The Lord is longing for us to be honest, with all that is within us. He longs for us to be built up, encouraged and for us to build perseverance, character and to Hope. To hope that God is for us and not against us. That He can meet us where we are at, and He can meet us in our suffering.
God graciously gave up His son to suffer, to know our suffering. So that we can be honest with Him, our healer.

All Things New

Deprivation

Since having our daughter, we have dived deep into the realms of sleep deprivation. A time when emotions and thought processing is thrown out the window in the midst of feedings, crying, playing and visitors popping in to have a peek. In all of this we are very aware of intentionally fostering our relationship as husband and wife and walking in healthy ways with each other despite the deprivation of sleep and time with each other.

Deprivation however comes in varied forms and expressions. In the past, the deprivation of healthy same gender relating brought about the expression of sexual promiscuity. Seeking out someone to fill the void of what should have been instilled in me as I grew up.

The lack of healthy affirmation of my masculinity came with a deep sense of loss of what could have been. It came with shame, low self esteem and a need to find a definition of who I was.

In the past few months, my awareness of these issues has been heightened in new ways and the recognition and need for greater healing. Acknowledging my neediness and the deprivations knowing that I need Christ, and I hunger for him to fill and complete me.

This deprivation of sleep has awakening a revelation for me of what it means to be deprived of something that is so important and the ways we will seek to get that met. In terms of sleep? Well, I can't go to sleep at work, nor can I sleep while driving, or meeting with people, but I can stop and take time to grab a nap, or even admit my deprivation and say "I'm not coming in to work today, I have to get some sleep". Thankfully, I have a job that I can do that as I work plenty of overtime.

How do we though care for ourselves when deprived of our basic need, for love, affirmation, attention, affection? For years, due in part to gaps in these areas and abuse that happened to me, I had a deep hunger and need to fill the voids in my life. How did I cope? Through addictions, wearing masks, sex, materialism, food, drugs, being perfect, being in control. I did my best to portray an image that I'm okay, confident and secure, when in reality, I was a huge mess, desperate for love and acceptance.

Only in recognizing my deprivation and actually stopping my coping mechanisms, did I come face to face with my savior, Jesus Christ. Who allowed me to feel the depths of pain and loss, who met me and washed me and came in to those voids.
My Papa God affirmed me, called me forth, gave me endurance, confidence and restored my identity.

I see areas of deprivation in my life still, sleep being one of them, yet I know when I take the care that I need, when I stop doing, when I stop being, and just sit in the presence of Jesus, I am in good hands. It is giving up my control, trusting and knowing the my Father is good and loving...and that is all I need.

Answered prayers

It has been a year like no other. I could not have imagined this if I had tried.

I love reading back on my posts, as I often write out prayers or what I am praying at the time. I look back to see and ask..."has God answered my prayers?" I am reminded that He does. In looking back I can rejoice and give thanks. I am reminded of the promises God has for me, for my family. Most times, God answers in ways that I would not have thought...I love that. I love how creative our God is. So often I can get the picture that God has to answer logically and practically, when God often surprises me with how he answers.

In reading previous posts, I have prayed specific things.

1. That Paula and I would have a home to live in.
2. That God would make a way to get us out of debt.
3. That God would provide for our needs...not our wants.
4. That God would give us a child...children.
5. That God would provide for me to go to conferences, Exodus, Living Waters.
6. That God would bring us to a Church Community that he wants us involved in.
7. That God would direct our steps regarding employment, education and ministry opportunities.

This is just a few of my specific prayers.

Paula and I live in a quaint little home in the west end. It fits us. We are thankful to have had a realtor (Rosalie Rattai) who prayed with us in our search for a home. Who walked with us and when we decided to give up the search, she said...I think I found one you might like...well, we loved it...and knew because we had decided to give up "our" search, God brought this home to us. The house is like us, a work in progress. What we find the most is that people don't generally like to leave our place. That is our one prayer that our home would continue to be a home of peace and refuge.

We have prayed for our debt to be gone. Well, God has made a way for us to continue to be indebted, but with no interest. So we are still in debt technically, but with no interest (thank you from the bottom of our hearts to the people who have made this happen for us) In the process, of walking out budgeting and living more disciplined lives, we have realized the importance of finances. Realizing our responsibility to give to others, to provide what others need. To save for our daughter, to be good stewards of what really belongs to God...our provider. He owns it all, and in a sense we just rent from him. God has placed it on the hearts of others to provide for us in ways that far exceed our understanding. We are thankful to those who give anonymously, to those who give knowingly and to those who continue to pray. We have been the recipients of food, clothing, and that has been a huge blessing to us. Since we live on a very limited income, we have seen God move in provision, which has increased our faith. It has increase our faith not just in provision, but in our giving, and in the community that we surround ourselves in.

God brought us Phoebe Eliese Selah...after we said goodbye to Micah and Hannah. We are thankful to have a beautiful Child to raise and cherish, but as I thought this morning in my prayer time, she is God's daughter first. So I relinquished my hold on her, and asked God to give me the strength, wisdom and love to raise her as a forerunner. As a daughter of a Kind. She is the apple of His eye, just as she is mine. I ask that God continue to give me deeper sense of what Father means.

God has provided ways to go to conferences. Paula and I were asked to speak at the Exodus Conference last year. It was an incredible experience. God moved. God breathed, God answered.
He provided a way for us to go to Midland Texas to be a part of a ministry opportunity for married couples. He provided a way for us to attend other conferences and leadership events. We are grateful.

We are still praying about the future and what it entails. That God would direct our steps, give us wisdom, ideas, creative ways to make ends meet. That he would bless our imagination, and give us words to speak and write.

Paula and I both write for the Christian Courier. We both realized that this has been an answer. We would like to write books, and this way, we are published writers, which makes the process a little easier. So this year, we are focusing on writing.

So we still have a big list of things we are praying about. Mostly, we are praying for others. We are praying for those caught in the lies of gender confusion. Those trapped in the enemies grip of death. We know full well the restorative power of Jesus Christ. That he can do anything. Really. Anything. Why we limit God is beyond me, but I do it all the time. I forget. I have to be reminded. So I write to remember. I write to remind myself of the faithfulness of God. I have people in my life who say..."remember...what God did?"
I pray for the prodigals, searching for a way home. I pray for the poor and needy, the orphans the widows. I pray for the brokenhearted. I pray for Christ's return.

Now I pray for our wee one, I pray for Paula. I pray for us. That we would remain faithful, in the turmoil of the world around us. That we would stay faithful to God. That we would not fall away. I give thanks for the messes in my life, the brokenness, which points me always to Jesus, my healer and restorer. I press on to the finish.

Thank you Lord for answered prayers,
for who you are as...FAITHFUL ONE! I give you this year...to teach me, teach us. To mold us, refine us, love on us, commune with us, show us your wonder, your power, your might. Come Lord Jesus, come. May we be like the prepared bride, waiting for you the bride groom...who is so in love with us...his bride.

One day older?

The other day, I was sharing with a friend the good news of our daughters birth. They mentioned that each day we get older and older and one day pass away.

As usual, the comment sat with me percolating in my mind. Then as I lay in bed, the thought came to mind...are we getting older or are we getting younger?

If we think of the word of God, we get the taste that yes, each day is passing us by, but we are also getting renewed each day. If we embrace the process of renewal, we are in a sense becoming new each day. Brand new. Not a trace of yesterday is in today. If that is so, we are actually gaining something by embracing the restoring work of Jesus Christ.

I had to look back again with astonishment as I look in the face of my daughter...yes my daughter. She is brand new...7 days old (outside the womb anyways). It gets me to look back at what was...and now what is. The previous life of debauchery, of self gratification and self indulgence. Of living to please myself, and living in the deceptive lie that I was created gay. As I look into Phoebe's eyes, I see myself, I see my wife. I see what the two of us...partnering with God, have created. But even going beyond even natural child birth, I also see in the eyes of my adopted niece and nephew the character and also the eyes of their parents. Both Father and Mother, working together to nurture and care for them, giving the gift of their gender to their child.

It is hard to believe that 4 years ago, I was just leaving a gay identity. So broken and wounded, so angry, yet willing to allow my savior to wrap me in bandages, to clean my wounds. It has been a grace filled 4 years, of being renewed, or gaining wisdom and understanding and of being restored...being made new.

As my daughter "ages", so will her parents...my wife and I. As older parents, we will rely on God to give us strength, as we dedicate our bodies to health, as we continue to renew our mind with the word, so that we can give all we can to our daughter, who we hope will come to know her savior early. Who will be secure in her gender, who will be strong, delicate, and loving to all whom she will meet.

Her third name is Selah...and we picked the name as it means to "pause" or some people say the word selah stresses the importance or reality of what was said. So we hope that people will meet our daughter and pause...as they see Christ. This will happen in her life as she allows Christ to transform her day by day, and we as her parents need to model that for her.

So are we getting older...one more day in the grave. Hmmm, you could say that, but you could also say, we are being transformed into the very likeness of Christ, and are one day closer to glory. Where life really begins.

So you think you can dance?

Society is sinking faster and faster into a pit of "self."

Sexual exploits and the "sex culture" we are in is dangerous.
It facilitates an unhealthy climate for our children, our teens, our adults and our seniors (no one is not affected by what is happening in the world around us).

One big influence today is the "So you think you can dance Canada" program on CTV. Last night, I watched as the last four danced. This season has been filled with the word "sexy", to the point where you can almost not get a comment without that word being said. In particular, Luther Brown is commented on time and time again as being "sick", "bad", "too sexy", and this is helping out our young women how?

As the camera pans over the audience, we see young women screaming and applauding both the choreographers and the dancers. Rarely do we see young men, rather the audience looks to be filled with young women. So what is being said to them as they watch the women dance?

1. That you are the sum of a sexual object?
2. That you can use sex as a powerful weapon?
3. That sex is it?
4. That sick is good?

I can go on.

Yet, last night as much as I cringe at times when I am watching, I heard some truth in the cracks of the verbal and visual onslaught of sex, I see a picture of submission and lead. Last night as Jean Marc was talking to Vincent, he commented on Vincent's strength to carry his partner. In his ballroom training, Vincent will have learned that to allow the beauty of the woman to shine and radiate on stage and to keep her safe in her movements, it means to lead with courage and bravery. It means to be strong and believe in each step you take. To not waiver in your ability to guide her through the steps.
As the man guides and touches, and takes the steps, the woman is secure that the man will not drop her, and she can fully embrace her movements, because they are in a safe environment.

My hope is that this message is clear, and my hope is that it becomes stronger than the "sex" appeal of the dances that we are seeing.

My hope is that we raise a generation of strong men, and strong women. Who do not waiver in their wanting to dance, in the realm of how God wants them to dance. To find their voice, to find their steps and to dance with passion for their creator. Dance for the injustices out there, for the cultural climate change, for the poor, for the crippled, for the orphans, for the broken. That as our young men and young women learn to dance with each other in mutual love and respect, in purity and holiness, we will see a change take place all around us.

As my wife and I prepare to welcome our baby into the world, I sense this call to father well, but even more so to husband well. To dance well with my wife. (who is a dancer)
Early on in our marriage, we would make a clear space in the room, turn the lights off and turn the music on and just dance with each other, eyes closed, in the dark. Our movements strong and tender, our touch guiding each other to the rhythm of our love of our Father. It was pure and holy, often bringing us to tears and intercession. My wife who has more dance training, free to follow my lead, and found secure in the safety of my untrained steps, because I stepped boldly and strong, tender and loving. Not wanting to crush her, rather love and honor her own movements.

We see a culture around us, who are dancing to get what they want. Not just sexually speaking. We see a climate change of self interest, self preservation.

With words such as, "you just don't understand", "It's my right", "I can do what I wanna do", "I deserve this", "I worked hard for this"...do you get it? Each statement is self speaking and one that is saying, I am more important than you.

In dance, the man leads because he knows what the woman, his partner needs. He isn't doing it for his own glory and what he'll get out of it, he is leading because he knows that in doing so the dance becomes safe, beautiful and can go to greater depths because the woman is free to submit, to find her peace in the her movements.

My hope is that we can go back to the respect and honor of true dancing. Without the word "sexy" being the imprinted word that our culture is screaming into the minds of our young men and young women.

Loving God...Loving Others

We have been hearing a lot about Loving God...loving others at the Church we attend. It has been challenging and though provoking.

I am an ACTS community loving guy, and deep in the heart of my thinking is that one day, we will need each other in ways that go beyond what we can comprehend at the moment.
Not sure why I feel that, but for years I have felt like we are going to get to a place where it will be fellow Christians who will be helping each other out in radical ways, be that with food, clothing, housing, medical care. We won't have the ability to go to stores, hospitals, schools, regular establishments.

With the economical 'scare' that we went through this year...and really it isn't over yet, I wondered, is God shaking things up? Is he allowing things to happen to wake up His Church?

I can't help but think with all I am hearing about loving God and loving others, the radical call on our lives to live fully prepared to give it all up. I look at my own life and battle my fleshly desires and cry out to God to help me with my motives. So that my focus will be on furthering the Kingdom of God. My focus will be on others and their needs rather than mine and getting what I think I deserve.

Realistically my wife and I have had the hardest time so far with finances. We have been open and honest with our struggle and we continue to battle and face it on a day to day basis. Knowing that we could lose our house, we could lose it all, and yet, we continue to hope that one day it will get better. That one day it won't be so difficult and that this road too will become less rocky.

We have had to give up much to follow Christ and in doing so, it has given us a desire to help others who have given it all to run full on toward the cross. Do we really know what we are asking people to give up to follow after Christ? Are we prepared to serve and give to those who are giving it all up?

For my wife and I, we both were in same gender relationships and we both left significant financial assets to follow Jesus. We did it out of obedience. We also left friends, familiar people, family, jobs.

This weekend we spoke at a Gender conference and I was struck with the question? Do we know what we are asking those in the gay and lesbian life to give up? Do we have a concept? and are we willing to be the radical hands and feet of Christ to these people.

Today, as I sat listening to the life lesson, I was reminded of those in my life who walked it with me when I returned home. When I left my house, possessions, material security, my friends, my job, the familiar, and who allowed me to grieve those losses. They allowed my grief to sweep over me and sat with me in that grief.

I heard my wife speak this weekend of her own time of grieving, as she left the familiar, as she left those who called her auntie, and it broke me, as I knew she lived in silence. Fearing those in her community who it was unsafe for her to turn to. I ached for her loss.

Today, I sit in our home, small, old, in need of renovations and some fixings, I see the bills yet to be paid, wondering where we'll get the resources for that, I see our humble home, most of the furniture given to us, not fancy, yet it screams who we are. Because it really has been a community that has built this home.

We are grateful even in this, a time of struggle and hope. A time of radical trust in God and a desire to Love God and Love others. For we have been loved much, by our Heavenly Father, who gave his son to die for us...period...we have been extended grace, even when we didn't deserve it. So in this, we learn to extend grace to others.
I pray for the Body of Christ, that we would see the radical call on our lives to love God and to love others, expecting nothing in return. For if we do that and expect nothing, we won't be hurt when nothing is given back to us.

Lord be Lord! Give us strength, increase our faith, and help us to love!

Today, the headlines read “Bathhouse Blaze”, early Sunday morning a fire broke out in one of Winnipeg’s two bathhouses. Aquarius, a two floor bathhouse, was a low light place to connect with other men for the sole purpose of having sex. The facility also hosted co-ed nights for women to also come and “hook up” or go there for a date night, as one female patron said, a safe place to go.

Having graced the rooms of Aquarius, I know full well what went on behind the entry way. Bathhouses were at one point my friend. A place to have as many encounters with other men as possible, to explore different avenues of sexual pleasure and it played into the excitement of voyeurism. Aquarius was no exception to this fact. The basement of the facility was the dungeon so to speak, with a round bed in a large dark room where I saw men in bondage. Opposite that room was a maze of chain link and a blackened maze of corners, small rooms where one could go and have sex and not see the other person.

Realizing the destructive behavior of the facility, especially in the degrading acts being played out on men as well as women, it became evident that Aquarius was a glorified whore house, only money was not exchanged apart from the entry fee, and the availability of poppers (a drug which induces a person to put aside all inhibition, placing that person in a position of potentially dangerous activity).

I write as a writer who has been to some pretty rough places to get the high of a sexual encounter. What is sad today is that two men died in this fire. One of these men a 23 year old aspiring drag queen, wanted to go into the entertainment biz. When I saw his face, I saw the face of a clean cut male, young and pretty, yet deeply masculine. A face with hope in his eyes. Yet his hope won’t amount to anything, as his life was taken far too early. But the deeper issue with his death is the correlation between his life as a drag queen and his issue with the bathhouse. A drag queen often is one to do fundraising, is looked upon as someone who lives in the public realm. Is often the voice of those in need. Today that voice is no longer speaking, singing or entertaining.

This brings me to the issue of pride. Pride is the big quintessential word of gay, lesbian, bi, transgendered people. The Pride Parade is all about being proud of who you are, and yet, there is a deep seeded, dark issue of sexual addiction in our midst, that is being normalized in our culture today.

“We are proud of who we are, we want rights…we demand them, and we will take down every voice that is against us. Because being against us means you are full of hate.”
Are words that at one time, I used, and heard other gay people speak out loud, and full of force.

Yet having been to bathhouses and having to look at the destructive behavior of my own sexual addiction, I wonder, what kind of pride that was? I wasn’t loving myself, I was actually feeding my addiction and couldn’t see past not getting a sexual fix, the next guy who would turn me on. It was all about sex. Not pride. Pride would be taking care of myself, honoring and respecting myself and others, not using them, for the sake of my own pleasure. Pride is not taking away my inhibitions with poppers and putting myself at risk of disease, or injury. Pride is learning what the roots of sexual addiction are, that are causing us to go to all lengths to get off. Pride is looking at our behavior and or allowing someone in to speak life to us, rather than encourage us in behavior that is hurtful to both ourselves and to others. When did we first come to understand that multiple sex partners are okay, good or healthy? Why isn’t the gay, lesbian, bi, transgendered community standing up in Pride and shouting enough is enough? Treating each other as objects, as sexual toys, as a way to get our needs met, is exactly what Pride isn’t. When will the community that demands respect and pride and the “same” rights as everyone else realize they have a long way to go to “get there”, if they continue to applaud sexual addictions, drug use, and criminal activity.

It is a quiet secret regarding the realm of sexual exploits and the areas of town these exploits happen in our city, where gay men hang out, late at night or during the day, all in the hopes of having sex. Men congregate in bathrooms across the city, to meet someone to have an orgasm. Putting at risk, young children, teens and others who would rather not see what is going on. Sure, you can be as safe as you think you are, but you never know who will walk in, who will see. Why do we sugar coat the issue of sexual addiction?

It is easier to turn a blind eye, to stay silent rather than speak the truth. Maybe it has to be someone who has been there, done it, who has received help regarding his sexual addiction, who needs to stand and speak. So today I speak. I say, “when is enough, going to be enough.” How many lives are we risking when we stay silent? To disease, to injury, to death? How many souls are we actually killing when we don’t say anything? Lives of men and women, struggling with sexual addiction, not knowing their worth apart from the buzz of the moment, only to wake up, empty and alone or empty in the arms of a stranger they just met a couple of hours before.

I know that I have pride in who I am as a man, who I am as a husband, who I am as a father. Would I want my child to grow up desperately hungry for love and affirmation and a sense of worth, so much so they have sex in a bathhouse, in a dark, dingy, smelly cage, inhibitions gone, not knowing how many people are having sex with them? Hardly, the thought of that actually makes me feel sad. So why would we want our friends, our co-workers, our family members, our loved ones to go to those lengths? When will we say enough is enough and stand for human rights, respected and honored?



Bobby Rogers, President and Acting Manager of Gio’s stated…

“Thank you to everyone who came out tonight to help start our community's grieving process. As part of this process, CJOB 680 AM Richard Cloutier respectfully invited members of our community to discuss some aspects of our culture. After consulting with some community members, Chris Vogel was asked to help us out. Chris Vogel , one of the founders of Gio's (The Oscar Wilde Memorial Society Inc.) and leader in Manitoba and Canada with LGBT rights will discuss some of the unique aspects of our community with Richard, Tuesday at 9am. This is such a sensitive topic and troublesome time for us all - please trust that Richard and Chris will help sort through the stereotypes and homophobia that have been drifting in and out of media comments as a result of this tragedy.”


Key words used here are:
Unique aspect of our community
Sensitive
Troublesome
Stereotypes
Homophobia

This is a sensitive matter. Two men died, in a senseless fire.
But what are the bigger issues here? Is there one? What about the reasoning of Pride, and the oversexualized…unique aspect of the gay community?
What about sexual addiction? What about respecting oneself and others? This is rather troublesome.

I listened to the interview with Chris Vogel who stated a few misinterpreted fact.
1. He stated that Aquarius was renovated and was a great establishment. Unless it was renovated in the last 5 years, it was a pretty dark and dingy place.
2. He stated that drugs and alcohol were not used on the facility, and it is a known fact that Poppers are sold and drugs and alcohol are ingested on site (brought in by patrons).
3. He did however say that they needed to have installed fire detectors.

I found that an odd statement, “no fire detectors?”, is that not mandatory at all licensed established businesses. Yet, in the radio broadcast, it was stated that bathhouses do not need a license to operate? So a tragic event took place, 2 men died in an establishment that was not regulated by regular fire and health inspections. So regarding the establishment being a great place to meet and greet, it really was an accident ready to happen. It was irresponsible for the owner as well as the city to allow the establishment to open and operate.

In our city, our motto is “Take Pride Winnipeg.” How is this taking pride? How is this being committed in raising citizen responsibility?

In the end it comes down to citizens making a stand to what is allowed in their neighborhoods, parks, businesses. We live in a free country in which we have freedom of speech and freedom of religion and the right to say “enough is enough.”

Today, I have had enough.

A concerned citizen of Winnipeg.

ah...the sweetness of anticipation