back at it!

It's time to get back into this thing called blogging. I have done some thinking over the last year especially since our daughter is now turning 2!!

I put aside writing because, I really was just plain tired. Being a 44 year old dad means to be intentional with everything, especially with my time. Even now as I type this at 11 pm, I realize my greatest gift to Phoebe and to Paula is to head to bed, get a great night sleep and begin again in the morning.

Alas, I am a night hawk. Love the night and get my second wind around 10 pm.

So I won't make this profound or amazing, but rather, a statement that I am coming back on. Typing my thoughts and the things that mull inside my head.

It's gonna be interesting folks. Sometimes, it won't be anything profound...sometimes, it may be things to ponder and think about...and maybe you'll get a laugh or a tear. But I am thankful and humbled by those who continue to read this blog, and comment, and those who have been encouraged by the journey God has me/us on. I wouldn't trade it for anything. Seriously, it is what brings me to my knees and brings me to the cross of Jesus everytime.

Things I am working on...writing...worship! Oh, and I have my first Sermon in September. I am kinda excited about that. The topic "things we don't talk about in church...namely SEX!"

Only God in His great mercy can take a former gay activist, transform his life into a humble servant...willing to share the journey with others, so that God receives all the glory and fame...and hopefully others who are struggling, can rise to their feet and know in increasing ways...the supreme love of our Papa...and be open with their own lives so others can see that there is hope!!!

Until next time...blessings to you in your own journey.

Believing

This morning, I woke up with a song in my heart. To believe, to radically believe that our Father can do exceedingly more for us, that He can move into every area of our lives and permeate us with His love and affection.

We are believing in BIG things and small things. Our God is a big, big, big God. He is the only true God. To think that He calls us His children. His beloved. That He has an amazing inheritance for His children. Why wouldn't we want to share that with others? I don't want anyone to miss that!

I think...if God can pull someone like me out of the mud and mire of my own making...and clean me off and set me free to worship Him...to give Him glory...wow, what more can He do...in my life...and in everyone's life.

Giving

This morning as we stuffed envelopes and donation cards, including our fall fundraiser update, a few of us (volunteers) got talking about support raising.

We talked about the challenges of raising funds, and the CRA strict guidelines for not for profit ministries (staff). I have been extremely blessed in the fact that with monthly donors and one time givers, I have had a full salary for almost my whole time here at LW. That isn't the case for many missionaries who live by faith. Sometimes it can be very difficult and yet they see God come through countless times.

The reason I pondered on this and talked about this is because society and cultural influences are beginning to change things in regards to what ministries receive a charitable status.

In 2011 "The federal New Democratic Party, Canada’s official opposition, unanimously adopted a resolution over the weekend to revoke the charitable status of unscientific “ex-gay” organisations, including Exodus Global Alliance."
(read the full article here)
http://www.slapupsidethehead.com/2011/06/ndp-resolves-to-revoke-ex-gay-charitable-status/

This came as quite a shock, but we are not surprised given the history of activists who do not fully understand and quite frankly won't understand the issue of unwanted same sex attraction, as it pertains to a orthodox faith viewpoint. (conviction)

Since this article and countless ones have been written on this particular issue, I got thinking about all ministries...specifically Christian ones as well as Churches who continue to believe that homosexuality (the act) is sin, could well be on their way toward non-charitable status. It seems the loudest voice wins, no matter what a specific organization or ministry is doing. If someone finds something offensive, especially in the who area of GLBT, watch out! There is no grace or willingness to understand a different way of thinking. Part of that comes from not being enlightened specifically in the area of spirituality.

Thinking even more about this issue, I have to look deeply within the christian culture (if I can say that) and see that often times we as believers donate to causes because we'll get a nice big charitable donation receipt. I have to admit that I am privy to that thought process. I know that giving my tithe allows me a benefit. Yet, what if that is taken away? Would we give? Would I give? God has been really pushing me outside my rights to receive a tax benefit and is asking me to give over and above...When you give to the poor, don't let your left hand know what your right hand is doing. Maybe this even goes further in thought to look at how we live in community and how we do life. How do we support and care for those around us who are in need? Do we wait for a tax receipt?

"What father among you, if his son asks for bread, would give him a stone, or if he asks for a fish, would give him a snake instead of the fish?

This idea continues to swirl around in my head and I will most likely be thinking about this for quite some time and or write about it to get it out of my head. But do I want it out? What I want to do is continue to press in and pursue the Lord and what He is asking of me. To know that nothing...absolutely nothing belongs to me...and that in and through him ALL my provision comes. It is only through Him!

My family and I have been the recipient of many people who have provided over and over again, above our understanding, our imagination. We have seen God move in the whole area of provision. Both for those who donate and receive a tax benefit and to those who send us funds in the mail knowing full well they won't receive any receipt for that giving.

We thank God for each one of you. For the blessing you are to us and more so, the blessing you are to your heavenly Father when you step out and give. He loves you so much. You are all his favorite kids...and He lavishes His love on each of you!!!

Thoughts on Lady Gaga's Guest Editor Stint for the Metro

Let your identity be your idol…oh I mean religion.

Lady Gaga’s image appeared front and center on the cover of the Metro news in Winnipeg. Born This Way the caption printed under the image of Stefani (real name) a cross hanging from a dog collar around her neck, dressed in a two piece black number with rhinestones hanging from her breasts. Flashbacks to Madonna come to play in my mind as I look at her image. Who is Lady Gaga? In her one hour interview with Michael Freidson she gives snippets of the reality in her life…or is it fantasy. In regards to her Born This Way album, she states, “The most paramount theme on the record for me struggling to understand how I can exist as myself, as someone who lives halfway between fantasy and reality all the time.” This could well paint a good picture of the now 25 year old who continues to paint a very peculiar picture of herself in media and to her “little monsters…her fans”. She wants to change the world.

Funny thing is, the world has bought into another entertainer who by rights saw a void in the whole area of sensationalism and has used that to gain momentum and this is not uncommon nor is it new. Each generation needs or longs for a new sensationalist who grabs there attention and does things that bend and twist the norm, to validate and affirm things within them.

I believe we are all born with an innate void that needs to be filled. If we think theologically, we are all born into sin. We have a predisposition to be rebellious in nature and live to please ourselves rather than submit ourselves and our human nature to our creator God. As Gaga’s interview goes on, she states that she was “taught her whole life about Judas and Jesus and Mary Magdalene.” She goes on to say that Mary Magdalene fascinates her, as she believes that Mary is both “wholly human and wholly divine”. She then asks herself, “how can I be fully magical and fully human?”

I believe we are to come to the place of understanding how we are “Born This Way”, not in the ways we define ourselves, nor allow others to define us, but to recognize the area within us that longs for acceptance, affirmation, love, which in it’s fullness will not be filled until we meet our saviour Jesus Christ and our Creator God. We will in our humanness grapple with identity, self worth, wholeness, acceptance, love and the list could go on, while we are here on the earth.

Gaga goes on to repeat herself over and over again, that her passion is social justice and music. She says she probably should go to therapy and goes on to say that she is in tune with herself. That at the end of the day she has to look in the mirror and be proud of everything she stands for. She says she doesn’t party very much, nor is she seen falling out of nightclubs…yet, she is still a sensationalist. Would Lady Gaga be who she is, if she doesn’t wear a meat dress, nor dress provocatively in an already sex crazed society? In a recent show on TV, she was described as a positive role model for young girls. I had to laugh a bit at that, but took serious note as to that statement. Would I want my daughter to look at her as a role model, dressed the way she does? Would I want my daughter to dress like that? Would I want my son to come home with a woman dressed like that?

I don’t want image to be the only impression, yet it plays a part in the image and role that she plays in our culture. Lady Gaga, doesn’t work with men who are dealing with sex addiction, yet she is a role model for sex addiction. She says social justice is very important to her, yet as a role model what negative roles does she play? Our society of young people are buying into her sensationalistic mentality and running with it.

If Lady Gaga would clear away the outfits, the sexualized images and provocative statements, the makeup (essentially, everything that has imprinted her as Mother Monster) and just sang and worked on social justice issues could she do it? Could she see a bigger picture of what and who she is in the world around her, rather than the Monster image portrayed by her? My heart breaks for her, as I see a young woman desperate for attention, longing to know what real love truly is, even if she can’t see it. As much as she is a sensationalist and a poor role model, my prayer is that she knows the incomparable love of her heavenly Father who calls her to something more, something greater than what she can imagine.

The May 17th issue of Winnipeg’s Metro was focused on the now “Born This Way” LGBTQ campaign. Throughout the paper well known gay and lesbian media representatives answered the question, “What advice would you give your 15-year old self, knowing now what you didn’t know then.”

What surprised me as to the whole theme of the paper was the idea of wanting humanity to find togetherness and in Lady Gaga’s words “We are all different and it is that which makes us the same.”

Is my existence which is different than the cultural expectation of me (someone who was once gay identified, who would still say I struggle with same gender attraction to some degree) acceptable and welcomed, understood and embraced?

Is the message welcomed that if you are in conflict with your same sex attraction, specifically in regards to your faith, that you can seek out wholeness, seek out healing, and an understanding to why you may feel this way, rather than taking on the immediate labels LGBTQ or “Born This Way”? Is that immediately deemed abusive, repressive, homophobic if you decide to uncover why you think or feel this way and decide to find another way to define yourself.

Having struggled with my sense of gender identity for years before I came out at age 30 and then at age 38 decided to look at the root causes of my gender distortion and confusion after an encounter with my creator God, I came to realize that I am so much more than “the struggle” and I see a bigger picture of who I am and why I was created as a gendered being. I see my worth and my identity wrapped up in my understanding of who I am as a son of God. Fully loved, fully embraced and fully free to be the man God had from the beginning desired me to be. I walk upright and fully present to my weakness, my faults and vulnerabilities. My struggle is not a liability, nor does it hinder me to fully love myself, my wife or my daughter…and ultimately those around me.

My message to my 15 year old self if I had been asked the question:

Life gets better. It really does. You may not see it now, nor understand fully because of what you are struggling with and even the ability to understand it fully may not happen for a while, but know that the God who created all things, who knew you before your parents even did, has a plan and a purpose for your life. He didn’t create you gay, nor is He punishing you or causing this internal struggle with your gender. He does though have a bigger plan for your life, one that will BLOW you away. Learn to trust Him. Find some safe people to talk with, ones who will walk with you and listen. They don’t need to have all the answers, but they should walk you toward Christ. Be transparent. Be real. Don’t hide your struggle or your questions, but talk about it. There is no shame in struggling, there is no shame in who you are, unique, wonderful, amazingly talented, handsome, confident, a beautiful gift to those around you. You don’t need to try to be like other men around you, the ones you think you should be like, rather be you. Be who God made you with all the musical talent, creativity that comes from Him.

You are more than your struggle and you are way more than what the world would label you as. Don’t seek out idols, don’t let heterosexuality be your idol, don’t let homosexuality be your idol, don’t let the struggle be your idol. Worship the Lord. Worship Him with abandon. He longs for you to come and bring everything to Him.

He will make the journey ahead full of joy…but remember as you seek out holiness, that does not necessitate happiness (happiness is different than joy). Holiness comes with a cost, it is sacrificing your life, laying it down at the foot of the cross daily. That is hard. It is a sifting and a refining and the LORD JESUS CHRIST who made the ultimate sacrifice is right there with you. HE won’t give you more than you can bare.

Remember to love yourself, for in doing so, you can love others well. Be brave, be courageous and be bold in your faith and your transparency. I love ya!

Called into Fullness

Last month I participated in a one day conference on gender, where I spoke on the stages of development regarding same-gender attraction. In preparing for the topic, I read numerous books and articles and found many interesting facts on the subject. I made notes, interjecting my own story within the often-dry facts, and created a powerpoint for the visual learners.
Every time I am invited to share my journey out of a gay identity, I am honoured and take it very seriously. I consider it pure joy to have walked this path, even through the hardships, struggles, temptations and battles that have taken place. I see a much bigger God because of it. So this invitation was no different than the rest. But it ended up being something of a first for me. As we entered the church, there seemed to be a buzz of anticipation regarding this topic. The room was packed. Usually, events like this draw a handful of people, but this one was larger and people seemed keen to understand the issue. This impacted me at an emotional level that I had not experienced in a long time. On more than one occasion, I had to swallow to hold back the emotions so I could get through the topic.
The day progressed — participants eagerly asked questions and sharing in group discussions. The hum of understanding swelled among the congregation. It was beautiful to see understanding and compassion meld together in unison.
Then, at the very end of the event, when one of the speakers was winding down the conference, a middle-aged man stood up. He wanted to make a statement. (Even as I write this, tears well up inside me). Silence filled the room as he stood before us. He cleared his throat and then began. He wanted to apologize on behalf of the church for not loving those who struggle with this issue. He asked for forgiveness for remaining silent when he could have shown love. He repented for not learning about the issues of same gender, instead remaining ignorant and uncaring. It was a highly emotional response and I am not sure there was a dry eye in the room. The last speaker who had remained on stage openly wept as this man repented and asked for forgiveness. When he was finished speaking, the speaker (still weeping) accepted the apology and thanked him for his vulnerability and loving response, and then the two men embraced.

What repentance triggers
The leader went on to say that he has been speaking on the topic of same gender attraction for nearly 20 years and this was the first time anyone had ever done that. It deeply impacted him, as — more often than not — the church community has turned a blind eye to those who struggle with homosexuality, hoping that the issue goes away or someone else deals with it rather than stepping up to become a healing community that loves and embraces. For myself, I saw a community eager to learn and understand, rather than remain closed off in ignorance regarding the complex issue of gender attraction. Deep healing happened within me as I witnessed this embrace between these two men.
My prayer is that this begins to happen in the whole body of Christ. That we become a healing community that loves and embraces all people. That we become a body that doesn't just turn a blind eye at one part, but looks at the whole body and comes to realize that we all need each other. Those who are struggling with same-gender attraction need the body of Christ to call them forth into the fullness of who God has designed them to be, restored and whole. Heck, we all need that. None of us are exempt in our need of others to speak life to us. A lot of us continue to walk in distorted views of ourselves and that's why we need others. Maybe that begins with the posture of the repentant man, who initiated something at that conference. He confessed his own lack, his own apathy and asked for forgiveness. Maybe as we do that, we will attract more people to the body of Christ rather than repel people away from what they desperately need — each other. May we become the healing communities that Christ is calling us to be.

Published in the Christian Courier

Out of the Mud and Mire

During our prayer time today, I had a deep sense of the Lord asking me to go deeper into what breaks His heart. I got an image of Jesus pulling someone out of a pool of mud/mire/shit and a hand reached out of that muddy pool and grasped a hold of the persons ankle, trying to drag this person back down.

Thankfully, our God is bigger, stronger and more loving than any other being that exists in the past, present and future. He is the creator and giver of life to everything.

But we have millions of people who are caught up in a battle for their lives. Ephesians 6:12 reads

For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the powers, against the world forces of this darkness, against the spiritual forces of wickedness in the heavenly places.

There is an enemy that wants to pull us...God's created ones down into the mud and mire to keep us bound, hidden and unable to move due to the weight of all the crap around us. The way we think, the way we believe, the way we act, countless ways we stay bound in captivity.

I was doing some research today on articles and organizations that have really made my heart break. One comes from a health and wellness magazine which was advertising the www.getiton.ca website. The name in and of it self can speak volumes in regards to how culture views the GLBTT community and even how they see themselves.

It says it is there to promote wellness within the GLBTT community and yet as you dig deeper within the site, it becomes quite clear that everything goes...as long as you are not hurting another person. Specifically in the Is this Normal? link. They dis-spell that sex can be an addiction...when in reality it can. They do say that if it interferes with everyday routines...you "might" consider discussing your concerns with a counselor or mental health practitioner. But find a sympathetic voice within the GLBTT community who will understand you and not make you change what is an essential part of who you are...someone who is compulsively sexual. They say that compulsive sexual behaviors which involve the internet, porn, cruising, sex or any other behaviors, stating that these are not harmful in and of themselves.

...STOP...

Not harmful? We can become liberated and free...yet there are many aspect of that statement that are untrue and are very harmful both to the physical, emotional and spiritual aspect of any person who engages in behavior such as this. It may feel liberating and free...yet it does harm us at the core of who we are.

This link goes on to spread much untruth about Reparative therapies, stating they interpret religious texts in ways that support only certain sexual preferences or behaviors. To quote "In an effort to "save" GLBTT people, reparative therapies are aimed at convincing people that they should deny their gender and or sexual identities and or preferences."

Further down, it reads that the people that are most susceptible to reparative therapies are those who identify strongly with religious communities...and that it is not easy to explore and trust an aspect of yourself that is rejected by an entire community. It gives a link to the only spiritual component to the site that I have seen which in no way acknowledges the journey of someone of faith who cannot reconcile being GLBTT within their component of faith.

It really is heart breaking the lies that have been written and forced upon people who deem tolerance and diversity to be key ways to live and accept others who may be different.

This site though it has some good articles on health, has many messages of hate, and has many messages that do not promote holistic health in any manner. It is disheartening and it grieves and breaks God's heart, as He has so much more for those in the GLBTT community.

So what now? Where do we as a faith community go or do? We love. We begin to address our issues of unhealthy ways of relating, speaking, and looking at others. We begin to get healthy in all areas of our lives. We begin to walk with a transparency and realness and a kindness that shows the love of a Father, willing to give up His son for all mankind. How are we being Christ? How are we loving others, as we love ourselves?

I believe it's time for the body of Christ to rise and takes it's place to be the redemptive voice, the hands and feet and to not bow down to the mud and mire with disgust and contempt, yet help pull people out. To help be the RESCUERS!

What are we waiting for? Are we waiting for culture to dictate to us what that should look like? Because they are. Sites like "get it on" is one of thousands that dis-spell truth and wholeness.

It's time...rise and take your place...with love, mercy and kindness that leads people to know the redemptive love of Jesus Christ, who cleans all people of the mud and mire in their life...beginning first with us.

God Embraces

Who in their right mind would travel 5,000 kilometres to go to a marriage conference? Maybe putting it another way, who would travel 5,000 kilometres to the middle of West Texas to attend a marriage conference dealing specifically with the issue of same gender attraction?

This was one question posed to the group of nearly 160 participants who were in attendance. Participants who had travelled from across the Nation of the US as well couples flying in from Canada and the Philippines.

We did! This was our third year in attendance of the CrossPower Ministries Marriage Conference held in Midland Texas at Stonegate Fellowship. We know full well the impact that this marriage conference has had on our marriage and has given us many tools to use as we relate to one another as husband and wife. Though this conference is put on for couples who either the husband or wife (or both) struggle with same gender attraction, this marriage conference is also impacting the mentor couples that do not struggle who come down with the participants, as well, for the countless volunteers who served us.

The moment you arrive, you are served. You are served by an incredible spirit of love and humility. For those who volunteer from Stonegate, the participants are a symbol of what God can and will do in marriages submitted to Him. The lead pastor of Stonegate Fellowship made the comment addressed to the congregation on the Sunday following the conference, “who of you would travel countless miles to attend a conference primarily focused on your struggle? Who of you would attend a conference dealing with gossip, over eating, lying, envy, pride, lust?” It was one of those moments you just wanted everything to stop, to soak in those words. Truly, how many of us point our fingers or made a judgement or value statement about someone else, while we continue on, feeding our own ways of coping and medicating on our own substance of choice, to make us feel better?

It was humbling again to be surrounded by a community that loved on those of us who often have felt marginalized and fingers pointed at, or words spoken just in ear shot regarding the issues of same gender attraction. Many of these people openly express that even in their lives, they too had once humiliated those struggling with same gender, looked down upon “that issue”, rather than be Christ's hands and feet. I have not seen so many tears shed in one place by so many people humbled by the presence of the Lord, who calls us to love unconditionally, to serve, not expecting anything in return and to show kindness that goes beyond our knowledge of a certain issue.

It encouraged us, blessed us and caused us to also ask ourselves, “Who are we serving? Are there people who we may not understand that Christ is asking us to serve, not expecting anything, but just show love to, regardless?”

Jesus walked on the earth to become a personal God. He came to bind up the broken hearted, set captives free, to look after widows and orphans and to walk along side the outcast. He showed that to us, and calls us to do the same. He went to the cross to take away our shame, to make us all one with him. Sometimes we think that the ground at the cross is uneven and that some people are more accepted to be at the foot of the cross than others. Like Pastors, Missionaries, Leaders, and yet, we are all called to that place at the foot of the cross. We are all called to be there in solidarity towards one another, not with an air of supremacy over another person, rather with a knowledge that Christ invited us all there together for us to walk with one another despite our differences and struggles.

We experienced that at this conference. We got to journey with those who have not struggled with same gender issues, but who have faced many other struggles and issues in their lives and out of meeting with Christ, recognize the need to welcome and embrace those they may not understand.

Personally, it again showed me the picture of God the Father, who welcomes and embraces all of us, through the working of His Son on the cross. This incredible love for all people and once we begin to taste this love that He has for us, it should only instill a greater hunger within us to show this love to others.

May your lives reflect the love of your heavenly Father, who asks you to receive all that He has for you, so in return you may shower that love on others, especially those you may not fully understand.

Freedom

What happens when the freedom of expression is taken away and the ability to say the uncomfortable is removed, have we moved to robotic responses? Just saying what other people want and or need to hear, so we don't get ourselves into trouble!

Having experienced MUCH inequality and as I sit and reflect where that came from it was surprisingly from the gay community (the diverse one). When I walked away from a gay identity, I lost many friends, I lost a home, I lost finances. Would I do it again? You bet!
And in my walk out, what was I faced with? A label of ex-gay? Straight? gay? Ex ex gay? And I was walking back into the Church…knowing that in that place is where the Lord wanted to bring much healing. But I feared the Body of Christ, because I knew that “this issue” was one we just don’t talk about. I had heard people say… “homosexuality isn’t in our family? It isn’t something that has affected OUR CHURCH!” So we stay clueless of the issue! Hoping above all else that “this issue” stays away from us. Yet, we are all ONE BODY…and regardless of denomination, location, styles of worship, we are one. If just one person struggled with same gender, within the whole body of Christ…it has affected us…and we need to educate ourselves and be aware of our call to minister with truth and grace.

For myself…I began to realize that in as much as everyone was needing me to quickly identify myself, I was in the land of limbo! Sure, I was still attracted to men, but part of my reasoning to say no to a gay identity was that for me, I had experienced God calling me out of that identity. It wasn't a human that told me to do it, rather I heard God speaking to me. In acknowledging this, why would I then say I am still gay? When God said I wasn’t. No matter how I felt or who I was attracted to, I needed the Lord to define who I am. I am His child, His beloved, I am not the worlds child.

I began to see how he created me. I began to see the broken places where my sense of gender had begun to collapse. I came aware of the root issues to why I looked at other men with longing in my eyes.

I am not uncomfortable to say I am a heterosexual man. I am not uncomfortable to say that I still experience same gender attraction. I am not uncomfortable to say that I was once gay identified. But I will make no apology when I say that Christ has made ALL things new, even my sense of gender and my definition of who I am and that I am not gay, that was not his intention for me. I make no apologies when I say this to everyone in the body of Christ. I think we have a tendency to perpetuate this in our cultural and spiritual communities, identifying ourselves with our brokenness and addictions, our gender confusion.

With the freedom of expression I am able to say this is what I believed and this is now what I believe. Liberation however can be quite painful, but I count it all loss, for the gain of Christ.

A Director of a Ministry quoted that “ex gays seek to get rid of their same sex attraction as an expression of their sanctification we perpetuate the systemic inequity that has haunted and exhausted and engendered fear for generations.”

For me, I am not getting rid of my same sex attraction, rather, Jesus Christ is refining and defining me as I continually submit my attractions, my feelings, my sense of identity at the level ground of the cross.

Are we to hold on to the cultural definition of same sex attraction? Or are we to hold on to the eternal perspective of sanctification? There is no inequity, nor haunting that has happened, and if it has, it has happened because of the worlds standards being placed upon the heads of God’s children. When Christ says “I make all things new”, does that just mean certain sin? Does it mean anything but my identity? Or how I or the world labeled myself?

For years I thought that my same sex attraction was so different than any other sin. I thought it was the worst one. Now, if we look at the Church we can say that it was perpetuated by the Churches response to those struggling. For myself, did I receive the best counsel from the body of Christ? Sometimes I did, and sometimes I didn’t. For years, fear dominated the response to those struggling. Fear of saying the wrong things, fear of offending, fear of the issue out of a lack of knowledge of those who are struggling. I would like to believe we have come a long way in our response to those who are struggling, and our response to what is happening culturally all around us.

As I stand looking at what can be viewed as “both sides” of the issue of same sex attraction, I see now a pendulum swing toward the faith community taking a more cultural stand regarding same sex attraction. It’s as if we have lost our voice. We’ve now said, “it’s okay to be gay and Christian, with a sense of validity, and ‘coming out’.
We’ve now perpetuated the ‘fear issue’ within our church communities, especially with those who say ‘it’s not okay!’ Rather than holding to God’s boundary lines for our gender and sexuality, we have crossed the boundaries, expecting God’s blessing, expecting him to just embrace us in our willing disobedience.

As we engage the culture, and engage with those who are in the LGBT faith communities, how much have we lost in order for us to bridge the gap? Jesus was all about speaking life and truth into people’s lives. He was about redemption. He was all about unconditional love, which he showed on the cross of Calvary. He was never about us being complacent in our sin. Just as he showed with the criminal on the cross, who rebuked the other criminal saying “Don’t you fear God? Since you are under the same sentence? We are punished justly, for we are getting what our deeds deserve. But this man has done nothing wrong.” Then he said, “Jesus, remember me when you come into your kingdom.”

I wonder have we lost the fear of God, for the sake of unconditional love? Yes, the gospel is about love, but it is rich with other disciplines and truths that we cannot discount or brush under the rug for the sake of love.

Jesus loved…but never to the place of complacency or validation for sin. I believe Jesus loves those who struggle with same sex attraction and he loves those who are LGBT identified. Jesus loves. He also calls us out of sin and tells us to sin no more. All sin, including homosexuality. That may sound harsh, but it’s the truth. It’s the truth of the gospels. We can’t negate who Jesus was and is. We can’t refute God’s boundary lines which he has drawn for us for our well being.

It’s not God who formed and designed people to be gay or lesbian, bi or transgendered. God never designed his children to walk in this state of gender bending confusion. We have an enemy that comes to kill and destroy, who is the great deceiver of all time.
We may feel as if God created us this way (I know that at one point I too believed that lie) but God has clearly created us to bear his image, male and female he created them. He created us to come together, for us to show the world, who God is, both male and female.
He did not primarily have male and females come together in marriage to procreate. His primary goal was for us to come together in union to show the character of God in the masculine and feminine, walking together. Period. If childbirth comes out of that, it is a blessing and gift.

When my wife and I got married, we realized that we were two whole people coming together to reflect the image of God in how we walk in relationship with each other and to show that to the world around us. We walk in this reflecting, with humility and grace, knowing we are still being perfected and know our weaknesses and dependence on Christ to continue to be enough for us in our areas of lack. We recognize the body of Christ being an important part of our journey. To walk in community means we avail ourselves to others eyes. It’s saying…”please, if you see anything that I am doing that isn’t pleasing to the Lord, call me on it. I want holiness at any cost, and sometimes I can’t see deception and need other people in the body to help.”

So my question in this is “How are we responding to those who say I am a Christian and I am okay with being gay, lesbian, bi or transgendered?” “How are we responding to those who say God made me this way and He loves me?” When we speak a challenging word, who is being offended? Are we not speaking in love when we say “That is not God’s best for you? That God did not create you that way?” I wonder when offense happens, are those who are being deceived not offended with God, rather than our response? For God loves, but never to the point of allowing us to stay where we are at. Jesus came for us to have life and have it in abundance, never for us to stay comfortable in sin.

Part of God’s leading and directing us in response is to first ask Him to search us and know us. Are we speaking out of a heart that is soft to His leadership? He loves us and wants us to respond well.
James 4:6-10
God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble. Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Come near to God and he will come near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded. Grieve, mourn and wail. Change your laughter to mourning and your joy to gloom. Humble yourself before the Lord, and he will lift you up.

I wonder before we respond to those we think we should respond to, are we first washing our hands? Are we allowing our hearts to be purified? Are we single minded?

So what do we do? Where do we go from here? I believe that the Lord is calling the Body of Christ to be educated to learn to grow and mature. HE is not calling us to a complacent life. Rather a radical dependence on Him with all our stuff, first, before we look at someone else and point a finger or speak even one word. What is in your life that you are being challenged with? How is holiness being played out in your life?
Are you complacent in sin? What are you worshipping? What do you turn to before you turn to Jesus? Entertainment? The Culture of today? Porn? Self gratification? Relationships? Work? Family? Food? Your identity? Status? Vacations? Is God enough for you? When there is lack…is He enough?

Lord I thank you that you presence yourself with your people. I believe that you are speaking and challenging us to step out of our comfort zones to pursue you with passion and purity…to hold holiness at all cost.

Lord you say that we are the salt of the earth. Help us Lord to remain salty. Forgive us Lord of our complacency, forgive us when we have allowed fear to keep us silent. When we have hid the light of Christ to others. Help us Lord know what grace and mercy is and season our responses out of your abounding love for us. Take us deeper in your love. Papa God…your love is deeper, higher, and wider than what we can even comprehend and imagine. There is none like you Lord God. Come Lord show us who we are in you, who we are in your love. Help us to love out of our experience of knowing how much you love us first, your sons and daughters. We praise your name. We glorify you, saying your name is Holy, Holy, Holy. Let your kingdom come here…let it fall here in our church community, in our homes, in our families, in our work places, everywhere we walk, would your kingdom come. May your loving will be done, here on earth, just as it is done in heaven.
Lord we thank you for your blessings and your provision. We thank you for all you have given us. WE are grateful for rescuing us, for saving us, for redeeming us. For your washing. Wash us Lord from all the things we do that take our eyes of you. Wash us clean Lord…come wash us…wash our minds, our hearts, our ears, our eyes, our hands, our feet. May there be no place that your water does not clean. Forgive us Lord of all our debts, all the things that we hold against others, all the things we hold against ourselves. Lord forgive us when we have not walked in love. Forgive us when we have used our words as punishment, or when we have spoken out of fear, rather than out of truth and honesty, submitting everything we say to you. Lord forgive us. Help us to forgive others. Help us to be a body that is forgiving and may we be quick to forgive.
We ask Jesus that you would lead us on the path of life. As we walk out your redemption in our lives, help us in our broken area of temptation. Help us to not worship creation, but rather may we worship you…the only one we are to worship. Guard us and hedge us in with your protection against the enemies schemes against us. Deliver us your sons and daughters from anything that we have allowed to come in to our lives that is not pleasing to you. We want to remain faithful to you Lord. We want to be found faithful until the end…until we meet with you.
We love you Lord…and thank you for your grace.

Amen

Just some thoughts...on a Saturday

So sometimes I get tired of writing about same gender stuff. I get tired of thinking about it and get tired of talking about it. Maybe I even get tired of living it!!

Then I meet a client and share parts of the story that Jesus has written in my life and I get emotional, thinking of what Jesus has actually done in my life. I am in AWE. Seriously. IN AWE.

Who am I that he would think on me? Yet he does...and with passion and an extreme love that I could waste my life trying to figure out. So I bask in it.

Paula and I are sharing our testimony this Sunday. We have written a poetic version of our story and we have continually added to it, and have shared it now on an international scale. We love to share it, as it speaks to the heart, and really speaks of Transforming Love. A love that captures the heart and draws one into a redemptive plan for every aspect of our lives.

The feeling tired could be sleep deprivation. I have a hard time sleeping...and the Doctor actually gave me a massage prescription...for therapy. Hoping that this works. She gave me a list of things to do...on a holistic and to be pro-active. Especially since we have a child under 2...who by the way is A-Dorable. She makes me laugh every day with her antics. She also keeps me busy reading and reading and reading. Today I read her a book with sign language in it and she copied me and it was beautiful. Bright kid! Thank you Lord.

So we enter into a very busy week. Sharing 3 times. Feeling prepared and ready. I am looking forward to the Gender conference on the 19th. Hopefully people actually attend. I wrote a response called freedom...especially geared to those who are gay Christian's who are content and happy being gay...and who actually feel God made them this way.

I won't post in on here yet, but it was challenging to write. Yet timely and applicable to our culture of today, as well for the Christian community. One of the basic points is...

In Church's there can be a view that the issue of same gender isn't in our church, so we don't have to talk about it. It isn't in our family so it doesn't affect us. Yet, we are all one body. Regardless of denomination, location, worship style, size or shape, we are one. It isn't applicable to say it doesn't affect us, if someone in another location is...or the issue has been brought up there. If just one person struggled with same gender...in the whole body of Christ...it affects us and is something we need to learn to talk about and minister out of a position of truth and grace...equally yoked.

So...I am kinda excited about the Freedom speech.

On another note...an equally important one...our hearts and prayers go out to the nation of Japan as it uncovers loss and begins to rebuild and clean up after the devastation. It is heart breaking to see the photos and video footage. Lord Jesus have mercy.

listen

How do you listen to the word?

Does your heart harden when it hears the word, or does it rejoice, beat more freely, become alive?

We were challenged today with the life lesson at Soul. It caused me to examine my life and see if there were things that I need to let go of. So I can fully be alive in Christ, to mature and to hear His voice through scripture, through wise counsel.

Yep...there always is. I am human. I fall short and often go to things to fill my life rather than go to God to fill me. I begin to walk in my own strength rather than cling to Jesus, my savior and redeemer. I eat too much for comfort sake, I drink to "just feel a buzz", I play that one too many games of Mario Kart, I do one extra Sudoko, rather than open the word. I'll be entertained by a movie...but do I take the time to be entertained by God? To allow him to delight in me. Because He does...He delights in me, if I am aware of it or not. He loves me, allures me, beckons me...and I can either listen or not. I can fill my life with all sorts of things other than him.

This is about denying oneself and taking up the cross. To find balance and meaning in all things...to know when things begins to take more meaning than Jesus, that it's time to repent and refocus on him. He longs to give us the desires of our heart...which doesn't mean we get everything we want, rather, He want us to first desire Him. To long for him and the things of Christ.

So thanks for the timely message Lord!!! The message to again focus on you, and to hear your voice. To listen. To really listen...and pray that my heart continues to become more and more alive, so that seeds fall and bring into being a large crop.

Book Review-

Turning Controversy into Church Ministry by W.P. Campbell

To be honest, when I signed up to get the book my immediate thought was "How different will this book be compared to the dozen or so books I have already read on the issue of Homosexuality?"
Would there be any different approaches? Would Campbell enlighten me to thinking other thoughts on homosexuality and our call as Christian's to love our neighbor, regardless of who they are?

I was pleasantly surprised with the book, I couldn't put it down and ear marked a couple dozen pages. I will read the book again.

The introduction gives us a framework as to how to position ourselves as we read the book.

"This book is an expedition into the world of vital facts and human factors set against the landscape of God's revelation. I unapologetically fasten scripture as a frame around this portrait. The contrasting colors of the law and the gospel, grace and instruction, truth and love must be blended if we are to understand God's mind and God's heart." C.W. Campell page 17 TCCM

Part 1 Analysis: Your Church, Christ's Body

I particularly like the analogies that Campbell uses to draw us into the water of this particular issue. He describes the body of Christ in various aspects of thought and experience and uses the Feet, heart and head as ways to understand where we may be at in the journey of ministry to those who struggle with same gender issues. We are asked to look at our Church, as the body of Christ and evaluate to some degree where we are at? It is not merely an "us" verses "them" idea, but rather we are asked to first look at ourselves to see where we are at. To recognize our own broken places before we look at others.

"The leaders we need are not those who give in to their weaknesses, but those who humbly trust God for the strength to be obedient. Jesus told us we would need to deny ourselves and take up our crosses if we are to be his disciples (Matthew 16:24). In the realm of sexuality, leaders in the church must model faithfulness to God's creative norm, despite struggles they may face as singles who never find mates or as persons locked into marriages that for physiological or psychological reasons preclude sexual expression. Jesus Christ, who was never sexually active, enables us to find deep intimacy and fulfillment in relationships, even when sexual expression must be curtailed. The Bible showcases singleness, along with marriage, as a holy calling from God (Matthew 19:10-12, 27-30; 1 Corinthians7).
Quote TCCM page 49

Part 2 Approach: Overcoming Controversy

Here we look at Creation and Science, Standards and Psychology, Compassion and the Church.

This section of the book, I would consider the meat of the book. It is well worth it to read this section over and over again. Campbell packs quite a bit of information in this section and delves into science, APA, Theology, Interpretation, holiness, grace, truth. Each chapter we begin with a controversy...and throughout the chapter we are asked to visit that controversy...where are we on the continuum of thought regarding homosexuality? Campbell gives us understanding to various thoughts on the issue of homosexuality and then in a sense gives us a challenge in the benediction (closing paragraphs of each chapter), calling us to look at ourselves first.

"Every time I meet a person who suffers from addiction, I realize this could have been me. The person who carries the wounds of past abuse could have been me. By the grace of God I am still "on the wagon," and it is only grace that will keep me there. I want to extend the same grace to everyone I meet, remembering that where sin is abundant, God's grace is more abundant (Romans 5:20).
quote TCCM page 133.

Part 3 Action Building Ministry
Foundation: What every church needs
Structure: Your Unique Ministry

This section is talking about the blueprint of ministry, and talks about various church sizes and structures. Campbell shows us specifically a sphere showing us a good structure to follow regarding ministry, and then delves into bringing us to understand the vital role that each of the 6 areas are to ministry.

I liked how Campbell used the story of Nehemiah and the walls around a city, to focus me as I read this section of the book. It allowed me to think about the strategies that God has given us as examples to use for any ministry.

I think this section allows us to look at what structures we may have in place, and what we may be lacking in our ministries and church communities, and the reminder to place prayer as the foundation and motivation to do any type of ministry. As I read this section, I kept thinking..."this is so good, my pastor needs to read this."

"This book has offered rationale, testimonies, models, and guidelines for ministry. Now it's up to you. If you doubt the great purpose God has for your church, please reread the first half of Ephesians, pause at the end of chapter 3, take a deep breath, and look at the end of chapter 4 once again. The love of God is wide enough to reach all kinds of people, long enough to keep your church on track through time, high enough to change any life, and deep enough to heal every wounded heart."
quote TCCM page 218

The provides the reader with questions for each chapter making this book a great resource for those who may be leading a small group and want to delve deeper into the understanding of same gender attraction/homosexuality and the call to offer hope, grace, truth and much love to those who are our neighbor.

I highly recommend this book. It is concise, and offers a lot of initial insight for everyone in the body of Christ. It isn't an indepth theological, psychological, or scientific book, but offers a person whoever it is to gain a better perspective on the Christlike response to homosexuality. In our culture today, none of us is called to remain naive regarding the issue of homosexuality, we are called to be well informed and equipped to love like Jesus.

As someone who has struggled with same gender attraction, who was once gay identified, I found this book to be sensitive, loving, but unapologetic in terms of theological truth.

Bill...thank you for the work it took to compile this book and the years you have given to research and understand homosexuality. Thank you for your heart to love others well and recognize that we have all fallen short...and need Jesus.
This is a great resource that I highly recommend.

Kenny Warkentin
Resource Outreach/Programs Coordinator
Living Waters Canada-Central Region
Exodus Canadian Rep.

A little yeast

You were running well; who prevented you from obeying the truth? Such persuasion does not come from the one who calls you. A little yeast leavens the whole batch of dough. Galatians 5:7-9

This past year, I have really been thinking a lot about these verses. It has come to mind on more than one occasion and so I have been mediating on what a little yeast can do. In context the yeast is sin and the dough is the body of Christ. Having worked as a baker for a few years, I know this analogy. It is true how yeast works it's way through the whole batch of dough. It doesn't just stay in one part of the dough, but expands, multiplies and goes throughout the whole batch. It begins to bubble and air pockets form and the whole loaf rises. It also begins to smell yeasty, a smell that doesn't go away until you bake the bread.

As I look at my own life, I can see how discipleship/community played a key role in my journey with Christ. As I walked in community with others, specifically as I welcomed discipleship, it allowed others to know me, and to ask me hard questions and it allowed others to speak life to me. It also allowed for the calling of sin in ones life. We need each other. When we decide to do life on our own and refuse discipleship we can begin to stumble and fall and we may begin to bend scripture and believe things to be untrue.

I remember when I began to slip. It was kind of easy. I began reading publications that believed that homosexuality was okay. That the Biblical understanding was translated wrong, that context was wrong, that the word of God was not relevant to today's living. Basically, I began looking for other ideas, other than the word of God to validate my same gender attraction. I slowly began moving away from the faith community and began hanging out with those with a more liberal faith, who said to me “God made you this way”. It validated my feelings and so who was I to believe. It felt good. It was no longer a challenge or a hardship to believe that God made me this way. I allowed the yeast to work it's way into my life. It began to fester and bubble, and it began to smell. I had a different aroma now. An aroma of independence, an aroma of anger, being gay was it and no one was going to tell me different. You could say I was being discipled but instead of Godly discipleship, I was allowing the world and liberal theologians to sway me from the truth of who I really was and who God created me to be.

When I look back, I wish that people would have had the courage and love to talk with me about my decisions. Maybe I was already too hardened to listen but maybe something could have been said to me that would have triggered a repentant heart.
Knowing what I know now, and having walked this journey out. I have come to a place of knowing who God really created me to be, a man created to worship the one true God, created in His image, not created as a mistake, rather one with gifts and qualities that are continually being redeemed and restored by submitting my whole life to God and in the community of others. I recognize that I need others and I need accountability and discipleship.

If I have a friend who I see is beginning to believe lies or is living in a way that may harm himself or others, I love him/her enough to talk with them. A little yeast in my friends life not only affects them but also affects me and those around us. When I allowed the yeast of identifying myself as gay to fester, it affected a lot of people around me. It spread to my family, my friends and my church community. So I love my friends enough to say something. Not in a condemning or self righteous attitude, but rather one with humility and love. I've been there, done that and know the importance of walking with one another in community. It doesn't always feel good, but in the end it is of value and worth to you and those around you.

Righteousness of Christ

My friend Sarah wrote this on my previous blog post and I wanted to quote her as this comes timely with a few conversations that I have had today...

"That's the argument of so many people, this feels natural, therefore this is the way to go and anything else is denying myself .. well .. hello .. we're actually called to deny self to follow Christ. Following Christ is not natural because sin is natural... living by our fleshly desires is what comes natural."

We are born into sin...and thus we struggle with sin issues...period! Those of us who are enlightened by the saving grace of Jesus Christ begin the whole process of refining and redefinition of who we are and who we are called to be.

Paula and I talked today about righteousness and the fact that we will be persecuted as followers of Christ. We will be ridiculed and laughed at, scorned and mocked because of our belief system. Sure, we could bend scripture or interpret it so that people would feel more comfortable, yet, who are we fooling? Are we fooling ourselves or are we fooling the one created God, who designed us and inspired man to write holy scripture. We talked about the church...each one of us and our call to holiness...not necessarily happiness. If it was for happiness sake...then I probably wouldn't be married to Paula (don't get me wrong...I LOVE HER...and would shout that on any roof top...and she has brought me MUCH joy and happiness), but what I am getting at is the fact that with happiness...we do things to appease ourselves, rather than deny ourselves.
Is it easier to blow up with anger at someone...yelling and screaming at them...
is it easier to just give in to that flirtatious advance and have an affair...
is it easier to masturbate...
is it easier to get drunk...
is it easier to tune out and just watch TV/get caught up in entertainment...
is it easier to lose ourselves in anther person...
is it easier to just identify ourselves as LGBTTQ...
is it easier to smoke up...
is it easier to just think of ourselves rather than the poor that live among us...
is it easier to just divorce rather than learn through the hard process of forgiveness, the beautiful gift of reconciliation.
These are just a few examples that I have been thinking about in regards to our walk with Christ.
I fail often. I think of how many times in my struggle with depression that I just go to the TV and watch...and before I know it, the whole evening is gone and I have not once asked the Lord in to help. I think of times when I want my own way, or think my way is more right than Paula's, rather than looking at what really is the issue and that is my own sin.

I love the church, because we/I are the church. I know that Jesus is coming back, and I want to live fully for him, sold out, refined and washed, cleansed and continually made more whole than the day before...but that takes work and that takes an attitude of denying oneself and submit it all to Jesus, the author and perfector of our faith.

Could I be so bold as to say, before those who are not yet enlightened can become enlightened the Church...each one of us...needs to fully look at ourselves, asking the holy spirit to examine us...ALL THE TIME, to see if there be any wickedness in us, to walk in full obediance...to take the hard road, rather than the easy way out, so that people can see Christ. Because as we take that hard road, we experience an extrememly loving and extravagant Father who is always wanting to lavish His love on that which He delights in...His precious sons and daughters. We walk the road of holiness, aiming for the prize set before us...and experience joy and peace and contentment in our walk of FULL submission before Him...our creator.

Lord have your way...in me today.

Rest

How many times does God beckon us to find rest in Him? Or are we too busy or pre-occupied with our own lives to not hear His voice, not taking the opportunity that God our Papa is calling us to.

Today, God totally spoke to me while holding my daughter who just turned one. She was feeling under the weather and was clearly tired and fighting sleep. She was easily brought to tears, everything seemed to cause her discomfort. I recognized this and picked her up and brought her to her room. I pointed to her bed and said it was time for a nap. She looked at her bed, pointed to it and turned her head and began to cry. I could sense that she wanted desperately to fall asleep but was having a hard time calming down. So I held her in my arms, spoke gently to her, softly, reassuring her that Daddy loved her and that she was special, and that I knew she was not feeling well, and that a nap would make her feel better.
She sat in my lap, facing me, arms outstretched and her wee hands on my chest, keeping herself from putting her head on my shoulder. Yet, her little head bobbed back and forth as her eyes slowly closed and opened. My voice continuing to speak softly to her, telling her I knew how she felt, that she could put her head on my shoulder. She continued to fall asleep in that position, until finally she put her arms down, laid her head on my shoulder, let out a wimper and closed her eyes and fell fast asleep. Continuing to tell her I loved her, as I patted her back and stroked her head. I love her so much, and feel for her when she isn't feeling well. As she fell asleep, God spoke through the experience.
I felt as if God was saying, "how often do you do this with me? When you are so exausted and tired, yet you continue to try to please yourself, do it yourself, comfort yourself? When I am speaking love to you, speaking affirmation and beckoning you to just put your head down on my chest and find your rest in me?"

I began to cry, knowing all to well the areas in my own life where I refuse to go to God first. When I know my Papa is tenderly calling my name, saying "Kenny, my son, I love you so much, you'll be okay, I know you'll feel better here with me."

I remember when I was so consummed with getting my legitimate needs met through same gender sexual encounters. When I was so focused on my rights, my desires, my thoughts as a gay man, rather than handing it all over to God, allowing Him to define me, to heal me, to speak to me and to give me much needed rest. When God spoke to me in the wilderness, He affirmed me, called me out of a gay identity, into His healing hands and told me, He would be enough for me. At that moment, I placed everything in His hands. It has been an incredible journey, one that I continue to be on. God my Papa is continually reminding me of the importance of finding my rest in Him. I can easily become busy, busy as a husband, as a father, as an employee, as a musician, artist...the list could continue, yet God continues to call me, speak to me and ask that I find my rest in Him alone and out of that I find my strength to carry on.

From Captivity to Community

I just attended a conference in Wisconsin called Exodus International Regional Conference. It was a great time to connect with people who have been impacted in some way with same gender attraction. Some people came because of a spouse struggling with gender identity; some came to understand their friends or relatives who identify as gay. Most of the people who graced the conference, however, struggle themselves with same gender attraction. They have realized that fixing themselves is impossible and they are desperate to find healing and understanding of why they struggle. In that desperation they long to find a safe community.

On Sunday, people shared how the weekend had impacted them. A few people said they were scared to come. "What if I am attracted to someone?" "What happens if someone finds me attractive?" One man stood up and said, "It's like saying to an alcoholic, to find your healing you need to go to a bar and be faced with your temptation." Yet that is the very thing that someone who has a disconnect with his/her gender needs to do. When you struggle with same gender attraction, often you feel that you need to get away from that which tempts you-your own gender. Yet that is the very place you find your greatest healing. These men and women faced real fear to come to the conference in search of an accepting community.

I heard heart-wrenching stories that weekend. Many who struggle with same gender attraction have been rejected within their church communities because people are worried about inappropriate attraction. Men and women who struggle with same gender attraction are often tempted by their own genders, but those relationships are also the place where they find the greatest healing.

A Safe Place to Heal:

In my own journey out of a gay paradigm, I realized that in order to heal I had to be known and know other men in healthy ways. I couldn't allow my fear to dictate how I related to them. I had to step out into an unknown place, first with an utter dependence on God, my source of strength. Without that, I had no foundation. I had to have men who took the risk to be my friend. Who shared their own journey into manhood and their own struggles, allowing me to see that I am not as "different" as I had always assumed I was. I needed men to give me physical touch. To be unafraid to offer a hug, to embrace me as a brother, pure, healthy and whole. When I left the gay identity, I was walking away from a lot of physical touch. Physical touch that I needed - and it is a legitimate need - but it was found in unhealthy ways and outside the boundary lines of God's intent for me.

I am always encouraged as I attend conferences such as this where people know their need, face their fears and know that they are in a safe community. Sadly, this is often not found in their own communities of faith. More often, they feel pressure to be something they are not. To hide their struggle. This goes even beyond someone who struggles with their gender, but also with parents who have gay or lesbian children, or spouses of those who struggle. They fear judgement on who they are. This keeps them bound in secret and held captive by the enemy.

We all need each other. We need authentic, safe places to walk out our healing and face every issue that life may spring on us. If we don't find that authentic community within the Body of Christ, we will find it outside of that. We will find that in the arms of culture who will embrace our false identities, who will validate our anger, our unforgiveness, and our own ways of getting our needs met. May God give us the strength to rise up and take our place as safe and honest healing communities.

Hope Within

Always be ready to share the hope that is within you...

Hope.

Do we have hope? Today, I left work and felt hopeless. I wondered,why am I bothering to work in a ministry that deals with so much hard stuff. Basically I get to hear the stories that others within the body of Christ do not get to hear. Today, I thought, this is just too much...and yet, good things happened today. Lives were touched by Jesus today...in the midst of hard stuff being shared.

Hope? I still have hope...but it seems it is getting harder and harder within our culture. It is way easier to accept easy answers in life. It's easier to just keep looking at porn...
it's easier to keep masturbating...
it's easier to keep sleeping with your boy/girl friend...
it's easier to just accept yourself as gay or lesbian...
it's easier to leave your spouse...
it's easier to keep drinking...
it's easier to keep getting angry...
it's easier to keep shopping......and we forget.

We forget those around us that love us...those who want the best for us. We tune them out to follow our own desires and feelings because deep down...it's easy.
Because in going the easy way, we can keep numbing the deeper issues. Maybe it's shame, a deep sense of aloneness, rejection, fear, low self esteem. Maybe we've been so abused that we can't even think of going there. We cope with the easy way. Maybe it's because we lose sight of community and the importance of walking in discipleship with one another. Maybe we lose sight of hope...maybe we don't hear enough stories of hope?

I have read a lot of columns, books, blogs and surprisingly more christian's who are taking the easy way regarding same gender attraction. As a culture and society, it is way more accepted and please hear me, if you are struggling with same gender attraction or you are identified as gay and lesbian, you should feel valued, respected and treated with dignity...regardless of how you are living your life.

I went to a seminar and saw a film that was put out by the gay christian network last week. It felt hopeless! Not hope-filled. I was hearing people share their feelings, their experiences, and their joy as they embraced themselves with the descriptive label of gay and lesbian...and then the film stopped.

As this topic continues to be brought up in society, the fear that I have had for years is that we are moving to a time when we are no longer able to say anything that offends someone within the church. That we can no longer call sin...sin, because it goes against someone's identity. In a sense it is silencing hope. The hope of Jesus Christ who transforms lives. Who makes all things new. But it takes work, discipline and sometimes it takes a daily giving up on things that are not the best for us. I came to realize that being gay was not the best that God had for me. He had something far more precious...and it turned out that it really wasn't about me anyway. It was about Him. My Father God...who's image I carry as I live out my days on earth.

I have talked about this in length as someone who has walked specifically out of a gay identity into the transforming work of Jesus Christ, who loved me enough to not let me stay in that identity. Was it hard work? Very! Was it worth it? Very much so! Would I do it all over again? YES! Do I still struggle? Yes...I will continue to as Christ refines me...until He finishes the good work that he started. He will bring it to completion...when I see him face to face. When HE says well done good and faithful servant.

Stand firm then...in the hope that lies within...the hope of transformation. In the last days there will be a great falling away...there will be false prophets who will come and many will fall prey to false doctrine...the messages will sound great...yet scripture will be misquoted, Jesus will be misrespresented...and we will be welcomed to please our fleshly desires...(those falling away will be those within the church...those of faith).

So get to know your Bible...eat it! Breath it! Listen to God speak! See if it lines up with his word. If you hear something and it doesn't line up to scripture...it is probably not from God. I hear people say...God said he's okay with me being gay or lesbian...and that is a lie, it doesn't line up to scripture, and it doesn't line up with the Bible contextually. What is true is that He loves you...period, but the holy Trinity is not okay with sin.

Find hope...there is hope. Run to it...and make it your friend. Rise up and take your place and let hope find a home in your heart and mind.

Through My eys...thoughts on the documentary

Through my eyes:

A documentary of individuals who have come to understand their gay or lesbian identity. They share their experience within the church community and their struggle prior to embracing themselves as gay and lesbian Christians.

My heart went out to the individuals sharing their stories of how friends and the church reacted to them when they inwardly struggled with their feelings, and how they reacted when they outwardly embraced their gay and lesbian identity.

I too experienced that within my years of inwardly struggling with my same gender attraction. Silently praying and pleading with God to take away these feelings. Crying out to him…endless prayers and petitions. Saying I would be a good Christian if only I did not have these feelings. I told God that I would do anything for Him if he took ‘it’ away. Since the age of 10…till I was 29, I struggled. The last few years of that struggle, I opened up and began to share the issue with others and sought help. I received good support in certain areas, but I thought the feelings would go away…why didn’t they?
I was in a healing community…what was wrong with me?

I could sympathize with each person…and yet…what was missing? Was it the environment that the movie was played in? Was it the people in the audience? Was it the facilitator? Was it just because I was at a different place that it somehow, felt hopeless and sad? Was it because at the end…there really was no hope? They had found hope in embracing their gay and lesbian identity, but is that hope?

I wondered and began to ponder?

Are we cheapening grace when we welcome people to stay in their captivity? I realize that someone who is identified as a Christian gay or lesbian no longer views themselves as being held in captivity but, as someone who holds a traditional Biblical Sexual Ethic does this make me unloving and unkind to say they are still in captivity? Jesus loved radically. I heard many times this week that Jesus walked in the market place, he ate with tax collectors, prostitutes…the down and out…those called ‘sinners’, if we use that analogy when we talk about Christian gay and lesbian people we are placing them in the same category as those called ‘sinners’, and Jesus never ate and walked with people so they could stay in the same place in their sin…he walked with them so they could rise out of that and live in the fullness of who He had desired for them from the beginning.

We cheapen Jesus’ love when we water down truth. Jesus isn’t this hippy love guru, who said only nice lovely things about love…and only challenged the religious leaders. He challenged all of us. He does not define us by our unmet needs, our brokenness, or even the ways we label ourselves in sin. He calls us out of that, into generous spaciousness with wonderful, healthy, safe boundaries for our good.

Having walked out of the struggle when I was 29…into the arms of the gay community (and yes, there is a gay community out there). I hung up all the guilt…and lived gay identified for 8 years and partnered for most of the 8 years. I walked out of the boundary lines that God has given his children to walk in for our good. I was angry at the church, and to those who spoke negative comments…about me…within hearing. So those were the last people I would associate with. Hmmm, yet God had other plans. God brought two people into my life who were in relationship with me. Both of them Christian. I find it interesting that we did not talk about God a lot but rather talked about our lives.

I was an activist. I wanted to change people’s minds. I wanted them to stop saying I was going to hell. I wanted them to stop saying that homosexuality was a sin. I read small booklets on what the Bible really says about homosexuality…and to my surprise…I was told those verses were taken out of context…and because man wrote the words, they interpreted it all wrong. Wow. I couldn’t believe it. Finally it was true. Yet…it still didn’t add up for me. I still could not believe that those verses did not mean exactly what they said. It did not make sense to what the rest of the Bible said about marriage, or how God created us as distinct genders. So I hung up the Bible too. Away, so I wouldn’t have to think about that. I prayed, I did good things, I tried to be a good person…and when I wasn’t I asked for forgiveness.

The last year of my partnership our relationship wasn’t going all that well and I had grown in who I was as a person, as a man, and I realized that this wasn’t healthy for me. That the relationship that I was in wasn’t good. So I broke it off. For me that took courage and guts. I began to work out how my life would look and what I would do. My plans were to begin again. Get a condo, keep working, maybe begin dating and life would continue on.

When we step out of the boundary lines of God’s design for our sexuality and who we are as gendered men and women, we invite distortion into our lives. We begin to be deceived by the world’s view of homosexuality and we believe that we are finally being true to ourselves when really we are being lied to and deceived. The enemy comes to kill and destroy and he is like a thief in the night…quick and silent.

I had silently and quickly slipped into the gay identity yet, God is the author and finisher of my faith…and He always has the last word. Not because He is controlling and unloving, rather He is our Father…who is kind, loving, a Father who painfully lets us go our own way.

God spoke to my mom in a real and powerful way one day. It didn’t impact me until later but she heard the holy spirit speak to her and tell me one day that I did not have to go back to Egypt. I was thinking this meant my ex partner…so I continued to make my own plans.

I know the plans I have for you…plans that are for your good! His plans for me. Not my plans for myself. Whenever we leave God out of our plans…and I mean, laying down our sinfulness and then ask Him…What are you plans for me God?...we enter into being our own god.

A few weeks later, I was out for a run. Troubled by legal issues regarding our separation and the dividing of the property…I called out to God and just said…I could use some help here, if you are there, I need you.
I heard God say to me immediately… “You do not have to go back to Egypt!”
I knew at that moment, that God meant my gay identity.

Do we wait for our lives to hit rock bottom before we need God? Do we become so successful that we do not hear him? Do we ever allow God to evaluate our lives in every area? Are we willing to lay down our gay or lesbian label at the cross of Christ? Does God really affirm us in our gay and lesbian identities?

God did not affirm me in my attempts to be my own god as I lived gay identified. I spit in God’s face. I cheapened His creation. I changed the Bible to suit my needs. I read the Bible with bias and could not allow the holy spirit to convict me of that sin.

I walked out of the wilderness…still same gender attracted. WHAT!!!! Not totally healed? Free of the attraction?
Nope. That was never God’s intent. I had to come to a place of understanding why I felt this way and I had to submit this to the Lord and begin to walk in relationship with others…of both genders. I had to begin to stop lusting after my own gender. I had to begin to love myself, and learn about who I was really created to be.

This weekend, someone labeled me as being in a mixed orientation marriage. I was offended by that. I do not label myself by my issues in my life. Do I still have same gender thoughts? Yes, but they are submitted to the cross of Jesus, nailed there, not being held by me, rather Jesus holds the issue. For I am dependant on Him, to be my strength when I am weak. For when I am weak, He makes me strong.

Being married to a woman, has been one of the greatest gifts I could ever imagine. I can’t imagine life without her. She is my best friend, my lover, my companion, my partner, and she is Christ to me and I to her. Her femininity welcomes my masculinity. As I take initiative, she is able to receive and we walk life out in love and respect, honor and trust.

Both my wife and I are not defined by our struggles or our weaknesses. I do not label myself gay…just because I have a feeling every once and a while. We are born again…washed clean, set on a new course. My label comes from Christ who bore my sin and shame. My label comes from my heavenly Father who calls me his beloved son…whom he is well pleased with. To call myself a gay man would call God my father a liar. He deserves much more glory and honor than that.

In all of this reflection over the movie. My hope is that each person in this movie would come to the full knowledge of God’s plans for them. To bring them into the fullness of their true identities.

Holiness...and unconditional love

This is in response to someone’s blog…talking about the sting of death

If I look back on my experiences within the Church community, especially as I first struggled with same gender attraction, I felt as if I was a leper, that I was actually untouchable. People could talk about anything else but my "struggle". I think if they had the courage to actually talk about homosexuality as not just the taboo sin, but just sin and had the courage to learn to engage a community to talk about the issues of homosexuality, things may have turned out differently for me as well as countless other men who I knew personally who also struggled with same gender attraction.

Having walked out this journey for over 20 years (struggled with ssa, then embraced a gay identity, and now having walked out of that identity), I feel for those who spoke out against homosexuality out of their limited knowledge of the struggle itself. Today, I do not feel angry or hurt because of my experiences, rather I feel deeply for any person who may have perceived hate from a message due to their own internal struggle with gender confusion. I also feel deeply toward pastors/leaders who spoke out against homosexuality not because they hated those who struggled with the issue, rather they loved them, and in their own way, tried to get the message out that God had something better for those struggling. I believe that no matter what the issue, most people have felt offended by God’s holy call on our lives as Christ Followers. When we struggle and feel as if a person just doesn’t understand us or the issue, do we internalize that as hate, take offense and then walk away justified? Or do we walk that out in a way pleasing to the Lord. Going to him with our hurt, allowing him to heal our wounds, but also going to the person who we felt offended by and working through a process of reconciliation and redemption.

When we hear someone speak and they talk about holiness and godly fear, so we see that as constraining or do we see that as good. Sometimes I sense that we have to throw away fear and holiness in order to justify certain behaviors, specifically in terms of theologically sound teaching. If I make a statement that linked homosexuality with Sodom and Gomorrah as God’s wrath toward the sin of homosexuality, I may experience hate mail, I would be pronounced a homophobe, and yet when I do more research and cross reference other scripture regarding Sodom and Gomorrah, I find that I have to make a stand and that comes from good sound theology. Jude 7 references the judgment to the sexual perversion of every kind and given the cultural milieu of that time, that would have included homosexuality. (note that I said included homosexuality…it linked all sexual sin).

For myself, I walk many years with the thinking that I was condemned to hell because of my struggle. I eventually had to walk away from my faith, because ultimately God hated me somehow. That he made a huge mistake with my life and really didn’t care for me. I hated the Sodom and Gomorrah linkage to any term of my struggle. I hated when others used that term. (To be honest it still makes me cringe when I hear someone just spew it out as a judgment statement when there is no explanation given).

Now I say this not as condemnation for those who are struggling with same gender issues, or even to those who are gay identified. I believe that God loves all people. Yet as we are enlightened and come to know our identity in God our Father through Jesus Christ, I believe God calls us into a higher standard of holiness and we should have a healthy fear of sin in our lives. For myself, I do not want to become complacent and comfortable with sin in my life. As Jesus felt deep inner rage (he actually uttered a response when he heard of Lazarus’ death) could we not feel that same feeling toward sin in our lives and the sin in the lives of others? If death is equated to sin throughout the bible could this parallel how Jesus felt toward sin/death? I have a close friend who is struggling with issues. I love him beyond compare. I have offered that he live with us, I have wept deeply for him and where he is at, because he is believing lies about himself, and to put it straight, he is caught in the grips of sin issues and he can’t see past that. I feel angry sometimes not at him, but at the enemy that wars at his soul, and enemy that is killing him. I would do anything for him. I see Jesus who did the same for Lazarus. He did the ultimate and raised him from the dead. Then he addressed the crowd to unbind him. Could this be a picture of rage against sin, calling someone to life and into the redeeming work of Jesus and then unbinding the person, ministering truth and love?

I wonder sometimes as we build bridges, how often we fear making a comment because someone may be offended. But in fearing making a statement, we are actually helping to keep someone in bondage to death.

For myself, I had people who walked the journey with me. Some understood the issues that I faced and some didn’t, yet they still walked with me. They still offered soothing balm to my wounds of death. There were men and women who in this journey out of a gay identity, spoke encouraging words, but also words that made me think. Words of challenge and sometimes they were hard words, especially when they saw me walking in a way that wasn’t life (when they saw me sinning). For me, my community challenged me to radical holiness. A holiness that feared the Lord of ALL creation and that fear was there because I knew the radical LOVE of my Papa God. The core gospel is unconditional love, God loves us despite ourselves. He unconditionally loves us because we were designed and created to worship Him and Him alone. He loves us because he knew us and imagined us even before we were even thought about here on earth. He knit us together, formed us in our mothers womb. Yes, it’s about unconditional love. What is the definition though of that unconditional love throughout the gospels?

As a daddy now, I see my daughter and I LOVE her with my whole being. If I saw her walking in danger I would tell her. I think I would probably shout it out, because I don’t want her to get hurt. She may not understand or she may feel as if I don’t love her, yet I do it because I love her. I have come to see God my Papa the same way. He loves me with a radical love, one that doesn’t always feel good, and yet he is the one calling me out. He is the one who shouts my name, because he doesn’t want me to get hurt. Our God of unconditional love disciplines us out of that radical love. Only because Jesus went to the place designed for our sin…which was death!

So maybe death is always supposed to be close to us, and maybe it’s something we should fear not just for ourselves but for others. I think we may have a greater sense of the physical death, but do we really understand death to the degree we should as Christ Followers? Do we understand the depths of the unconditional, radical love of God? An understanding so rich in love that we can’t help but fear the Lord, and speak boldly of His call of holiness on our lives.

Are we willing?

The other day my wife and I were talking about gender identity and how to support those who continue to connect with us.

A statement that we often hear is “I do not feel safe to talk about my struggle at my Church” or “they don’t understand my issue”.

Interestingly enough those statements resounded in my own heart as comments that I had used years earlier in my struggle with same gender attraction. I hide within the confines of those statements in fear that I would be rejected and tossed out of the Church, or worse, that those in the Church would just ignore me. Sadly, my experience was one of just ignoring the issue. I did talk about it and explain to my pastors that this is what I was dealing with. They referred me to a counselor and then not another word was spoken regarding my struggle. No one asked how I was doing or journeyed through the hard stuff with me.

For years, I held that against the Church. How could they reject me in such a way, shun me with silence. The very thing that I needed to talk about was held in the quiet confines of “he appears to be doing better”, “the counselor will handle this situation”. I began viewing the whole body of Christ through that experience. That the Church would not get this issue, nor would they be willing to walk with me or anyone else in a redemptive way.

I have walked in a season of forgiveness. Both for those who rejected me, but also for my own sinful responses. After my wife and I talked, I sat and meditated on how the Lord has moved in my life and redeemed my sexual identity. I meditated on Jesus. How he was rejected and I felt as if the Lord was giving me new statements to think about.

For those struggling with same gender attraction who are afraid of the reactions from those in the Church, are you willing to be open regardless of what people will say or do? Are you willing to talk, even if you are faced with a brick wall of a non response? Are you afraid that you will be rejected?

Maybe I should say, are you WILLING to be rejected? Are you willing to be misunderstood? Are you willing to press on despite what others will say?

I felt as if I heard Christ say that he was willing to be misunderstood, rejected and he pressed on despite what others said about him. Often times I have heard and I have even shared how I felt as if no one understands the struggle I face and yet Christ knew it first hand. He felt everything that I felt. Why did he feel the same things? He felt it so that I would know that he understands me, even when the world doesn’t. He did it all for me, for us. As Christ hung from the cross he spoke, “My God, My God, why have you forsaken me?” Was Christ saying this so that we could better grasp that even he felt forsaken? Did Christ feel alone on the cross, did he experience silence from God his father? How often in my journey with same gender attraction did I feel as if God was silent? When I prayed for him to take away the desires and nothing happened and I felt forsaken, yet God was intimately listening and speaking to me, I just didn’t understand his voice. Even as Christ felt forsaken, he continued his journey on the cross. He was willing to not give in and conform to the cultural influences of his day.

As humans we can aspire to be Christ like (we will never be Christ), and emulate a life that is similar to how Christ lived and breathed. As we seek to be “Christ like” are we willing to not give in to the pressures to conform to the cultural definition of sexuality that says you’re just born this way and you cannot change? Will we believe the lie that Christ cannot redeem our sexual identity rather he embraces us as lesbian, gay, bi-sexual, transgendered people? Will you believe that Christ’s power is inefficient to do it? Or will you believe that in Christ, all things are possible for those who believe? Will you trust a Father who is willing to do whatever it takes to draw you unto himself, so that you would worship Him and Him alone?

Are you willing to press on despite those who do not understand? Who may reject you and say you are foolish and not being true to the real you? For as I see it, just as I was afraid to share about my struggle with same gender attraction while in the body of Christ, there are now people who are just as afraid to step back into the journey out of homosexuality because of what the world around them is saying. I believe the Lord is asking each individual if they are willing to take a step and see what he, the redeemer of all things can and will do, if we would only take the first step.