Exodus Closes Down Part 2

(previously printed in the Christian Courier)

Exodus International was a non-profit, interdenominational, ex-gay Christian organization with the goal of helping people who wished to limit their homosexual desires. It was founded in 1976, but ceased activities in June 2013, issuing a statement which repudiated its aims and apologized for the harm their pursuit has caused to LGBT people. Last month, Kenny shared some of his initial thoughts on the closure of Exodus International, with reflections on how Exodus impacted his life as a “spiritual booster shot, which equipped him to go home to what can be a dry and weary land.” This month, he continues with thoughts about living under God’s sovereignty in the middle of a community of sinful people.

 I firmly believe that we worship a Sovereign God. We don’t often rejoice in God's sovereignty. Why? Because we are human and our minds cannot comprehend the vast expanse of God’s plan for all human-kind and our place in this plan. In this place we are called to live in a mess. The mess of uncertainty, pain and sorrow caused by the effects of sin. We are called to walk with others through the consequences of relational, emotional and sexual messes. Not a place for the faint of heart, but an actual calling for each member of the body of Christ to embrace.

  Through the devastating loss of three babies by miscarriage, I have learned to sit with people in grief, with no easy answer. To cry with them as they hurt, to serve them in a practical way. I’ve learned that we are not called to give an easy answer but to sit with our hurting family members and to sometimes just keep our mouth shut as we each struggle with God’s sovereignty over our lives, sometimes in painful ways.

  Exodus International attempted to help many people, walking with them in their messes, but now it has closed. Maybe Exodus International had become an idol to some. Maybe it was deemed the only place where people could find solace in their journey with their gender and sexuality. Maybe that was never God’s intention for his bride. Some people in the midst of the journey to closing Exodus were hurt by things said. They perceived and interpreted things and through that experience came to different conclusions. Does this mean we lay blame on the whole organization? Does this mean it has failed everyone?

Our God reigns

 For me personally, I am not distraught with the closure of Exodus International. I have received much, for which I will be forever grateful. I have met amazing people, who continue to encourage and inspire me. No matter the motive of those involved with the decisions, I hold to the truth that God is in control. I choose to not speak ill of my brothers and sisters, but to pray for them, to encourage them and to spur them on toward the prize set before us.

James 1:26-27 reads: “Those who consider themselves religious and yet do not keep a tight rein on their tongues deceive themselves, and their religion is worthless. Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.”

  There are many people within the church that agrees with Exodus and the direction they are currently headed. Some would call those people heretics. There are people outside the church who are applauding and celebrating the closure. We may not agree with the decisions that were made, yet we can choose to recognize that God in his Sovereignty is in control. Regardless of what has happened with Exodus International, even if we don't understand or fully agree with the decisions made, we can agree that God is sovereign, he is in control, and he is calling us to do his will. His will is to seek the kingdom of God, to walk with others, and to always be ready to share the hope within us. To endure till the end, to hold fast to the Word of God and to pray that the Holy Spirit illuminate it within us and to pray that we not fall away to easy, watered-down theology. A theology that would appease our sinful desires. So, rejoice in the sovereignty of God over our messes, even the current mess caused by the closing of Exodus International.

Exodus Part 1

Exodus shuts down

Part I

(previously published in the Christian Courier)

On June 20, when Exodus International announced its closure at the Annual Freedom Conference, it was big news. Many editorials, blog posts and news articles have been written about the closure and about the apology that Alan Chambers extended toward those who have been hurt by the ministry of Exodus International (see Christian Courier, July 8). I've deliberately taken time to process this before writing about it myself. I was the Canadian Exodus Regional Representative. I am grateful that there have been no media requests in regards to that role, and sense that to be the Lord's hand of protection over myself and my family.

Before I comment on the closure of Exodus, I need to bring context to my experience with the organization. 

In 2005, God encountered me. It was life-changing. He met me, a gay-identified man, while I was going through a tough transition. I feebly cried out to God to help me and he gave me a choice to leave my Egypt. Would I go through the wilderness to the promised land, or continue on in the life I had made for myself? I chose to follow God, and with a joy that I had not experienced before, I chose to walk away from identifying myself as a gay man and to trust that God would meet my every need.

Many people couldn't understand my decision; being gay had been my liberation, which I proudly waved around for all to see. But when I encountered God, who asked me to live differently, I proudly waved his banner over my life instead. I chose to be transparent about my journey with same sex attraction, knowing that life wasn't necessarily going to be easy or free of struggles -- rather, that I would face my sinful humanness for the rest of my life.

I attended my first Exodus Conference in 2005 in North Carolina. It impacted my life! I heard testimonies of people walking the journey of sanctification. I attended workshops where I learned how to live a disciplined life and how to honour God with my sexuality. At no time did I perceive or interpret that I would ever be free of this struggle. Yet I fully recognize that each individual interprets and perceives things differently, due in part to their own journey and where they are at in their lives. God had already told me that life in the wilderness wasn't going to be easy, but I had this joy and peace that transcended my own understanding.

Extended family

I met other men and women who shared their own experiences and it encouraged my faith. I was reminded of Scriptures that speak of always encouraging and spurring one another on toward the finish line. It was clear God had placed people into my life to do that, for which I am forever grateful.

Worship was probably the biggest highlight for me. I wrote in my journal that I had experienced hundreds of desperate people, who recognized their desperate need of Jesus! Worship came out of this place and it was powerful. Why? Because people were taking their eyes off themselves to worship the one true God.

I spent the next eight years attending both the Exodus International Freedom Conferences and the Exodus Regional Conferences. I always left encouraged, built up, strengthened and fed! For the most part, these conferences gave me a BOOST! I was already knit together with a local church community: I was known by others and was working in full time ministry. But these conferences gave me the ability to talk with others in similar ministry, serve attendees through prayer and encouragement -- they were like my extended family. They were like those family members who fully “get” you, even if you don't see them all the time.

Some attendees were not “known” in their local communities, and so these conferences gave them the ability to be known in a safe environment where they too could be encouraged and supported.

I think, fundamentally speaking, the breakdown of effectiveness begins when local churches or church families send people away to receive ministry. When members have to go outside of their own community to deal with the messiness of life, regardless of the issues they face, because the local community isn't equipped to walk closely with those seeking help, that's not ideal.

I know hundreds of people who struggle with same gender attraction. Yet, sadly, I only know a handful of people who attended an Exodus Freedom Conference without having struggled themselves with same gender issues. Those who did attend are the people who know what it means to become a safe place for others. They know mess and welcome it, even if they don't fully know how to minister effectively. What they learned is that they too need Jesus desperately to meet them as they walk with others.

When Exodus International closed, some people grieved; others rejoiced. Regardless of your perspective, I am thankful for the role that the Exodus Freedom Conferences played in my life. I received a spiritual booster shot, which equipped me to go home to what can be a dry and weary land.

Article in the works...thoughts on Exodus.

Just letting you know that an article is in the works.  It's LONG folks. 

I felt I needed to put down some of the thoughts that I have had in the midst of all the articles being written. 

It will be coming out in a few days!

kenny

He is Worthy!

I've always been one to respond somewhat quickly to requests, posts, blogs, comments but as of July 1st, I have been somewhat distant.  Not because I don't care but because I have had little reserve to do much of anything other than take care of myself and my family.  (Even that, I feel I am not doing as well as hoped!)

But I also recognize that I am hard on myself.  I don't give credit even to myself when due! 

I've had the opportunity to reflect back on the last 8 years.  It's been somewhat of a whirlwind.  So much has transpired in a short 8 years.  I don't want to get stuck looking back, but I am compiling my writings and seeing nuances of thought and emotions.  Wow!  Crazy! 

What I realized is that I experienced what to many would be considered serious trauma.  When I returned from Vancouver I connected with a ministry, and within a year was in a Full Time Ministry position.  I don't have any regrets, but if I was to talk to someone in the similar space, I would caution them to consider taking a few years to heal and restore before jumping into ministry full time.  Then I got married...lost babies, had a baby, lost a baby!  All the while trying to heal and restore!...breath...and now I'm tired!  Life has a way of catching up on you! 

I think in many regards, I became a poster child for the Church!  A symbol of hope!  As did Paula, our marriage and in many respects our daughter as well!  I understand that people really do need hope!  Hope for their own loved ones.  When we hear a heart moving testimony it evokes hope! 

 1 Peter 3:15 But in your hearts revere Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have.

 Revelation 12:11  "And they overcame him because of the blood of the Lamb and because of the word of their testimony, and they did not love their life even when faced with death...

We know in our hearts that to share our testimony does cause people's hope to rise.  That's good!  But it can't be the be all and end all in terms of our growth or identity.  Our hope needs to come from Jesus Christ.  Our identity solely in Jesus. 

I don't want to be a poster child, nor do I want our marriage and child to be plastered on posters..."Come see the ex-gays...and their kid!  Look what God has done!  Look what He can do in your loved ones life!"

I want people to meet Jesus...PERIOD!  To find their identity in Him.  He's the one we need to plaster on a poster...and worship...not man, not us!  Sure, I'll share the hope within me, and be ready with the word of my testimony...because I don't fear death and I'm not afraid to lose my life, but I will always lift up Jesus higher than my life and even what He has done in my life.  

He is worthy to be praised...forever and a day! 

 

Sabbatical Rest...

So it's July 5th!

Unemployed...no income...and yet...God is sustaining and showing me how to live life, differently than before.

I'm not saying that the way I was living before was wrong, but I believe that we all move and transform as God directs our steps, and especially through TRANSITIONS.

Today, I write from my home office. (screened tent outside on the deck)  I look around at the abundant green, the plants blooming and unfinished fence, the paint peeling off of the garage...and I give thanks.  Thankfulness is what I am choosing to focus on during this time.  I could easily complain.  YES, I complain.  There have been days when I have been consumed with wanting a totally renovated house, a fence, a car, a new garage, when I've focused on 'others' rather than being content with where things are at and focusing in on God who supplies all our needs.  That's sinfulness.  It's coveting what others have!  So I repent and refocus my eyes on the Lord, the sustain-er and giver of all good things...in His time.

John 10:14,15 reads "I am the good shepherd; I know my sheep and my sheep know me - just as the Father knows me and I know the Father - I lay down my life for the sheep."

Jesus is a good shepherd...and He knows me and has laid down his life for me...for Paula and Phoebe.  Do not be anxious about anything...anything!

What am I like as a sheep?  Well, my eyes will tend to turn to the next green grassy hill, even though I'm already grazing in one.  I am bent to look down, not taking in account of everything that is going on around me.  Sometimes I need the shepherd to herd me back (sometimes with the help of a trusted dog!)
Sheep are possibly the dumbest animals around...and yet...in John we read that Jesus knows us and we know him.  That we can trust his voice and his sovereign plan for us.

The plan is to rest.  To seek the Lord in new ways and to find a foundation that is firm outside of Ministry.  I feel called to ministry, yet it can't be the thing that sustains my relationship with the Lord.  To be honest, I feel a bit burned out.  It's been difficult the past year and I know without a doubt that God worked through every situation to bring me to this place today.  So I could stop...chill out...and to pursue him fully, in new and fresh ways.

It's also a time for our family to have some fun.   It's been a long time coming.  I recognize that our holidays were always tacked on to a ministry event (which meant that we often were decompressing what we heard during our holidays, rather than just enjoying life around us!)  We are in need of this season.  In 7 years we've traveled extensively for ministry and now we need to get to a cabin, sit by a lake, go fishing, play in a splash park, go for walks, fly kites etc.  (if anyone can help in regards to this let us know, finances are tight, we don't have a car...and so we need to be creative during this time)

I've also recognized that our families often are the ones that get the back burner.  Our siblings, our nieces and nephews, our Mom's and Dad's have often gotten the left overs of Kenny and Paula and Phoebe and this too needs to change.  I miss knowing who they are, at a heart level.

So a Sabbatical Rest?  Yes, that's what we feel God has called us into this summer.  I may be very...VERY slow in responding to emails, or phone calls, but I will get back to you eventually.  Please know that this is not a reflection of who you are or how I think of you.  I love each of you, but I need to limit media!  I will hopefully blog on a more regular basis, and am very much open to times with friends...eating watermelon, sipping wine on the deck by a fire!  We can't say we can travel to you...but you can travel to us.  We may not have wine...or watermelon, but your free to bring some!

I'm very much looking forward in this time, knowing that God is very much in control and in tune with everything that is going on.

We cherish your prayers for us as a family, as we take this time to pray, rest, transition, make fun memories, and seek God's Kingdom.

For those who have an inclination to support us financially during this transition time, you can private message me at kennyp66@gmail.com  Thank you for those who have shown an interest in doing this for us.  It has blessed us tremendously.

Love...Kenny...and Paula & Phoebe 

Love Others - Fulfill the Law

Romans 13:8-10 stood out to me today as I was reading.

Let no debt remain outstanding, except the continuing debt to love one another, for he who loves his fellow man has fulfilled the law.  The commandments, "Do not commit adultery," "Do not murder," "Do not steal," and whatever other commandment there may be, are summed up in this one rule: "Love your neighbor as yourself."  Therefore love is the fulfillment of the law.

Prior to these verses Paul talks about submission to Authorities, Unbelief, Future Glory, God's Sovereignty, Dead to sin, alive in Christ, Marriage, Sin, Slaves, Faith, Peace, Joy, Faithfulness -God's...and much more.

There's a lot packed into the book of Romans but these verses stood out and what grabbed my attention are the words; "for he who loves his fellow man has fulfilled the law" and; "whatever other commandment there may be, are summed up in this one rule: Love your neighbor as yourself."

It seems to me that we can distort these words to say, it's okay, just love one another.  That my behavior really doesn't matter, or shouldn't matter to you.  If we just say, Love your neighbor as yourself and don't go into more detail we missed the boat! 

How I read the word of God this morning was through the lens of what I do affects those around me.  My actions are not just specifically mine.  When I chose Jesus as Lord of my life, I gave him full deed to my being.  Not just a part here or there, but every part.  I'm in the process of a spiritual renovation so to speak, and one that will continue until I see Jesus face to face.  Jesus bought and paid for a run down, used up home, with a pink with gold speckled back splash, a leaky roof, a leaky foundation, probably some ant infestation, old windows, poor insulation, a broken fence (boundary) and the list goes on!  Slowly in time, He beings to renovate.  One area at a time.  Sure He can probably tear down the whole house, but he chooses to renovate the way He needs to and the way I need him to. He respects me, and in this place I think He commands me to live well.

If I love Him, love myself and love my neighbor, I will realize that to commit adultery, murder, steal, or whatever 'other' commandment there is means that I am not living in love.  When I view my actions as just my own, I am living a life not pleasing to God, nor others or myself.  I am not walking in love.

Culturally speaking, I have the right to be whoever I want to be.  My choice or decision is mine.  No one has the right to speak against this decision.  If you do, its a violation of my human right.  Or is it?

The culture around us has set up some rules, some boundary lines for us in the laws they have set up.  These are good.  But why are people breaking them?  Maybe because it's all about us?  It's my life!

Law is set for our good and the good of others.  If we didn't have it humans would be left with their broken vices and that is a scary thought.  Yet in the midst of set laws we push the boundary lines, blur the edges to see how much I can get away with.  Maybe I won't be caught!

Let's use speeding as an example because this causes a bit of stir whenever I talk about it.  We have laws of speed control for reasons of safety.  Yet, this is usually one of the areas we want to break or give excuses to break;  "Everyone else is doing it," "There aren't any police enforcing this area," "I always do it," "I'm a safe driver."  Until we get caught.  Then we grumble, complain, and spout out our anger at the law set for us for our good and the good of others.  What happens when we speed, cause an accident and maybe kill someone else? 

Using this example, we see that we thought of ourselves.  We weren't acting in love, rather we in our selfishness decided that it was all about us.  We weren't concerned about others or the ramification of our decision and choice on another person.  To really love my neighbor would mean, I see past my own "feeling," "my right" and see that they have more value than me. 

So today, as you live for JUST TODAY...how can you set down your own rights, your own feelings, and think of others.  Think of how you can behave in a way that takes the focus off you...and on to another person.  In doing so the fulfillment of the law happens.  When you begin to love others, you begin to follow the law.  Jesus came not to destroy the law but to fulfill it.  As we walk in obedience, denying ourselves and taking up the cross and loving others, we live in accordance to the boundaries set for us. 

...out of business...so the Church can do it's JOB!

More reflections on this in the days to come!  Blessings,  Kenny

 

Copied from the Exodus International website:
JUNE 19, 2013 BY EXODUS INTERNATIONAL
Exodus International to Shut Down

Thirty-seven-year-old ministry for those with same-sex attraction marks its last national conference

Irvine, Calif. (June 19, 2013) — Exodus International, the oldest and largest Christian ministry dealing with faith and homosexuality announced tonight that it’s closing its doors after three-plus decades of ministry. The Board of Directors reached a decision after a year of dialogue and prayer about the organization’s place in a changing culture.

“We’re not negating the ways God used Exodus to positively affect thousands of people, but a new generation of Christians is looking for change – and they want to be heard,” Tony Moore, Board member of Exodus. The message came less than a day after Exodus released a statement apologizing (www.exodusinternational.org/apology) to the gay community for years of undue judgment by the organization and the Christian Church as a whole.

“Exodus is an institution in the conservative Christian world, but we’ve ceased to be a living, breathing organism,” said Alan Chambers, President of Exodus. “For quite some time we’ve been imprisoned in a worldview that’s neither honoring toward our fellow human beings, nor biblical.”

Chambers continued: “From a Judeo-Christian perspective, gay, straight or otherwise, we’re all prodigal sons and daughters. Exodus International is the prodigal’s older brother, trying to impose its will on God’s promises, and make judgments on who’s worthy of His Kingdom. God is calling us to be the Father – to welcome everyone, to love unhindered.”

For these reasons, the Board of Directors unanimously voted to close Exodus International and begin a separate ministry. “This is a new season of ministry, to a new generation,” said Chambers. “Our goals are to reduce fear (reducefear.org), and come alongside churches to become safe, welcoming, and mutually transforming communities.”

Local affiliated ministries, which have always been autonomous, will continue, but not under the name or umbrella of Exodus.

TRANSITIONS - Rest - New Beginnings

In spring of 2006, I heard the clear call to join the staff of what was then, New Direction for Life Ministries (now Living Waters Canada Central Region.)

It was an exciting and very new experience for me, entering a full time Missionary Support role.  How does one adequately prepare for a position seeking to minister to people dealing with various life struggles?  For myself, I attended numerous workshops, conferences and training seminars, while applying the principles to my life and using everything that I learned to minister to others.

My experience with Living Waters Canada, as the Resource Program/Intake Coordinator has provided me the opportunity to grow exponentially as a leader; equipping me to serve the body of Christ in ways that I love! 

I have had the honour to talk with countless men and women both locally and internationally who have shared deeply, their life struggles in their relationships and in their sexuality.  It is humbling to often be the first person, to hear them express their concerns.

Coordinating programs and helping put on events such as the Gender and Sexuality Conferences, have been highlights for me.  God is very much interested in gender, sexuality and how we relate to one another in wholeness rather than through our deficits.  Serving in this much needed ministry has been a great blessing and allowed me to grow in ways; that I can hardly see, the man who left a gay identity in 2005.  To God be the GLORY!

In the midst of my 7 years with Living Waters Central Region,  I got married to Paula and God gave us a miracle daughter Phoebe, who is now 3 1/2.  I am amazed at the Lord’s hand in my life and how He does restore what the canker worm has eaten.  Thank you for rejoicing with us!

Two years ago, I began to feel God stirring up the possibility of leaving Living Waters.  Since I love the ministry I wondered why God would be leading me in this direction.  I sought Godly counsel and was encouraged to serve and learn in this place and to seek confirmation, for what I sensed, God was asking me to do. 

In the Fall of 2012 during a time of worship and prayer, I heard the Lord say I had 8 months left with Living Waters.  I continued to pray for confirmation.   In  January of the New Year, both Paula and I sensed, 2013 was a year of new beginnings. 

I knew this was confirmation, that God was directing me to leave full time ministry with Living Waters and to trust Him  in whatever He planned as “next” for me and my family.

Paula and I  continue to call Trinity Baptist Church our home community and are actively serving, as House Group  Leaders and Marriage Prep Counselors;  and  I am on the preaching roster and worship team.  Paula and I love marriage ministry and we also know the continued call to speak prophetically in regards to sexuality and gender.  We believe God is asking us to trust fully in Him and the next step that He has for us.  We know that He loves us , we are His children and we are seeking to obediently follow His lead and direction. 

We value each of you and who you are to us.  Your faithfulness to partner in prayer and financial support has enabled us to minister and speak to hundreds of people within the body of Christ;  (who have often struggled in silence) fearing those in their community would reject them, if they knew their story.  You have supported us in equipping the Church to be safe, and loving, having an ability to walk with others regardless of the issue that is being addressed. 

I have given my formal notice of resignation, for June 28th, 2013.  I would encourage you to continue to support Living Waters Canada Central Region in their desire to provide a safe place where people can be honest about their life  struggles, and ask the hard questions. 

Each of you have blessed and encouraged us and I am deeply grateful.  We know the steps ahead are full of exciting opportunities to serve the Lord in His Kingdom  purposes.  If you would like to talk with me regarding this announcement I would be happy to meet with you. 

Be blessed today, as you have been a great blessing to us.  Some people have asked how they could support us financially in this transition.  If you feel called or led to support us, you can email me at kennyp66@gmail.com. 

Much love,

Kenny, Paula & Phoebe Warkentin

Feelings vs Truth...Who's in your corner?

Hebrews 3:12-13

Be careful...make sure that your own hearts are not evil and unbelieving, turning you away from the living God.  You must warn each other every day, while its still "today", so that none of you will be deceived by sin and hardened against God.  (NLT)

Do you have someone in your life who speaks truth?  Who encourages and spurs you toward Christ and His likeness?  Who cares for you and in doing so speaks into areas in your life where they see could use some encouragement or work?  Who will walk with you in your journey of faith?

I think of our need for community and the need to have others spur us onward toward the completion of the race set before us.

Jeremiah 17:9 reads "The human heart is the most deceitful of all things, and desperately wicked. Who really knows how bad it is?"

Proverbs 28:26 reads  "Those who trust in themselves (heart) are fools, but those who walk in wisdom are kept safe."

Wisdom is the word of God...the living, breathing, relevant word of God which is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow.  It is our bread and our sustenance and we can't live without it.  When we base our motives on our heart feelings, we can easily be strayed off course and onto paths which may feel good, but are far from the best for us and lead us to destruction.

I listened to my heart once and began to base my identity on how I felt, rather than the word of God.  I began silencing out solid, mature believers and trusted my heart feelings!  This led me to the path of identifying myself as a gay man who believed because I felt this way my, my sexuality was set and I controlled it.

How many of us make decisions based on the sole merit of our feelings?  When I proposed to my wife I had definite feelings for her or I wouldn't have married her.  But I also knew that God was calling me to marry her and that I had total peace as I knew this was ordained by Him.    Do my feelings change on a day to day basis as I live out married life?  You bet.  Some days it's easy to love well and to get along and we find our groove!  But there are days when it's slugging through difficult communication, misinterpretations, sleep deprivation, and child rearing.  In those times, I need to know that I have a solid foundation of covenant, commitment, perseverance, faith and I find that these are wise pieces of truths that I find in the word of God and go beyond a feeling.  It's a mindset of being committed regardless of how I feel.

I need Jesus desperately everyday to walk this out and I need my family the body of Christ to do this as well.  I need trusted brothers and sisters to speak truth to me if they see me dabbling in things I shouldn't.  I need these broken vessels to encourage me and spur me toward the goal set before me.  When I begin to veer off the path...who's there to help me?  If I have no one, I will merrily go this way and that.

So whose in your corner?  Who knows you and your heart and your life?  Who has authority to speak truth in love to you, even if it makes you boil inside, yet you know it's truth?  Who are you submitted to?

Find a good person, not a perfect person (because there isn't one), to be that person who will challenge you and who you can challenge, and thank God for them.  Pray that God brings people into your life who won't just allow you to feel good, but will challenge your 'feelings' and spur you toward holiness and the race set before you.  It's not easy and each one of us can be easily strayed by appeasing things that tug at our heart.

  

The Death of Kendra

The Title of this post could bring some question as to what I'm writing about.  Did a friend or someone I know pass away?  Am I writing about someone who has died?

To be frank, yes!  I am writing about a death of some sort, but not a physical death of something but rather an idea and a thought process that used to take up a lot of my time. 

I awoke this morning from a vivid dream.  One that caused me to pause and reflect and think about discipleship and walking life freely in love with God my Father who directs my steps, who places guard rails on the path for my well being, and then exhorts me to walk with others, showing them the love of Jesus.

Psalm 16:5-9 reads:

5The LORD is the portion of my inheritance and my cup;
  You support my lot.
6The lines have fallen to me in pleasant places;
  Indeed, my heritage is beautiful to me.
7I will bless the LORD who has counseled me;
  Indeed, my mind instructs me in the night.
8I have set the LORD continually before me;
  Because He is at my right hand, I will not be shaken.
9Therefore my heart is glad and my glory rejoices;
  My flesh also will dwell securely.

With this in minds, my dream was about this man who went by the name Kendra!  I knew it was me, dressed and living as a woman.  I was with a group of transgendered people both men and women and we were entering into a movie theater.  There were empty seats all around the theater yet none together, so we all sat by ourselves.  The movie was just beginning when a man shouted out obscenities toward the group.  It was degrading and horrific.  I felt in that moment this surge of justice and with all the courage I could muster, I stood up and spoke to the crowd.  I spoke clearly that no one had the right to treat others like that, especially when you have no clue as to who that person is and what they are going through or been through.  

I can't remember everything that I said, but I called for the man who spoke the obscenities to be man enough to stand up!  I expected a large physical man to stand, but a short, thin man appeared.  With remorse in his eyes, I could tell that he was sorry for the words that he had spoken.

When I woke up, I wondered why I had this dream and what the purpose of it was.  The more I meditated on it, I felt like God was saying, "Kenny, Kendra is dead!  Even the thought of Kendra is now dead!"  I felt as if God was reminding me that even though for me, Kendra is dead, we are still called to be like Jesus in how we talk and love those to whom we may not understand.

I look at my life and realize that yes, the thought of being "Kendra" is done!  God has transplanted His ways and His thoughts into my mind and heart.  He had reclaimed my identity and affirmed my gender identity to how He formed and created me to be.  Fully man!  Will old patterns of thought still make it's way to my consciousness?  Of course, that's what defines me as human.  But these thoughts need not control me or cause me to re-think who I am in Christ.  I no longer need to assume a false identity or create one to appease the broken places within me.

I believe that God was showing me in this dream that despite my best efforts, when I take matters into my own hands, Kendra can live, and yet when I submit my life to God...every part of my life, Kenny lives!  In the midst of all of this, I have no right to tear someone down and call out obscenities.  What I felt God saying is GET INVOLVED and get to know people where their at.  When you have no clue on how to respond or what to say, pray that God bring you into people's lives, so you can walk out your faith authentically!  



 

 

Bending the knee...

Today, I read another announcement from a young Christian leader welcoming discussion on "why he is dating men" and that he would do this the healthiest way possible because of his relationship with God.

For many people they would embrace this and celebrate his liberty and freedom and yet for me, my heart grieved.  I felt deep sadness in the statement he made.  There was no rejoicing.  My first words out of my mouth were "Lord have mercy!"  I was immediately drawn to the prodigal story.  My thoughts on all of this are for those who are believers...who have been enlightened to the truth of Jesus Christ and the full Gospel. 

Here we have a loving Father who has a son who wants desperately to go his own way.  The son sees all that he has and wants out.  He wants his freedom.  Maybe he felt too confined within the parameters of his Fathers standard.  So his goal is to get what is due him and leave.  So his father gives to him what he is owed (his inheritance) and he goes his own way.  Maybe to find himself...who he really is.  We may think the father would take a passive response...just get on with life, but he would have continually gone to the road to see if his son was coming back...day after day, month after month, year after year.  Maybe people would have mocked the Father...told him to just get on with it, forget about the son, yet I don't see the Father doing that...he waits for the day of his sons return.

Now the son...wanting liberation tries this and that to see what appeals to him.  Living his life to the fullest.  He no longer lives under the confines of his Fathers standard.  He is able to do what pleases him.  He is able to do everything that feels right.  Why would his father not allow him this freedom?  Such a backwards father, stuck in the dark ages of religion, could well have been his thoughts.  Why would a loving Father not allow me to be who I want to be and express that however I feel like?
Until it all crashes around him...when the money is gone...his friends leave and he is left alone.

As I write this...can we link this with an aspect of God handing us over to our desires and our own lusts?  Slowly and inevitably we begin to bend and accept an even broader realm of sexual expression?  We bend our knee not to God but now to a cultural humanistic expression of "what feels good".

What I imagined in this whole scenario and discussion is this:

The "church" the "bride of Christ" is adopting a definition of grace that allows us to go with our feelings.  If we do this then nothing is unacceptable.  Seriously.  Think about it.

I feel attracted to the same gender.  It's not going away as much as I want and so I'm going to still LOVE God with my whole heart and date those of the same gender.  (bending the knee)

I feel attracted to young children and this has never left me.  For as long as I know I have had this attraction so I am going to date young children.  (bending a knee)

I'm married and feel attracted to your spouse and so I'm going to leave my spouse for your spouse.  (bending a knee)

I struggle with same gender attraction and I still feel that attraction, but I'm married.  So I'm going to leave my spouse and take a position that this is what God had for me all along. (bending a knee)

I'm in love with an animal and they love me.  (bending a knee)

I'm in love with my father's wife and she loves me, so we're going to get together.  (bending a knee)

When does the bending stop?  When we begin the dialogue of one issue, we begin the dialogue of another.  We begin to lose the foundation set before us of Godly, healthy sexuality.  Designed and created by God.  Because inevitably, we stop the dialogue!  We stop being generous and gracious!  Because we will view those who hold a standard of faith and a value that sexuality is a sacred and holy expression only in the pastures of a monogamous marriage between one man and one woman as hateful and archaic and unattainable to those in the margins.  That we are being mean and unsympathetic to those who face something different as their reality.  If we welcome the bending of the knee we actually have to lay something down, I have to sacrifice something.  What we lay down is the standard set before us, not from an archaic God who is just out to get us, break us, pound us, enslave us, but one who knows the good of what is best for us in a broken and sinful world.  Who calls us into the fullness of life with Him and to live within the boundary lines that have fallen in good pasture.

Can we use the theory that because we live in a fallen and broken state, if my sexuality is broken than it's okay to embrace my broken sexuality and that God will bring it glory.  We can make license by saying the Church has a double standard, accepting divorced/remarried people to the church but we won't allow gay Christian's there.  These are all excuses to follow our own desires and place ourselves before God.
We proclaim  "God...it's messed up down here, and since you're not doing anything, I will take matters into my own hands...and oh ya...can you bless me too?"  Can you bless my idol worship?

That goes contrary to who God is.  God won't bless idolatry!  Or can he?  You might say...Kenny, that is a hateful thing to say.  But you know what?  If I don't fear God and holiness...I will seek to sooth people.  To pat them and say...ya...that's okay, keep living in the mud and mire and keep saying it's okay and keep saying God will bless it.  But in all honesty can we say that he hands you over?  Things get more muddled and more welcoming and pretty soon, everything that feels good, is good.

I saw this in my own life.  I began believing that same theology.  I listened to the feel good messages of humanism.  Since I always struggled with same gender attraction and God never took it away, I must be gay and I then cannot deny these feelings anymore.  No one had the right to speak what I didn't want to hear.  You needed to bend to my view and if not...you were hateful and unloving.  "Keep your opinion to your self...you self righteous Christian...who excuses all other sin...but mine..."

Some of that was truth...because the bride was looking pretty messy and bending their knee to easy answers and solutions.  Why stay with your spouse after they had an affair?  You have every right to divorce them?
Falling out of love...this is too hard...okay, lets part ways and find our true love and remarry!  Hard realities of truth?  Maybe!

Yet...I saw for myself a different picture of a loving Father who waited for me...but he also released me to go and live contrary to his heart for me.  He never once blessed my actions and said..."Oh Kenny, what you are doing is great!"  He did say this though "I love you with an everlasting love, can you hear me Kenny?  I have so much more that I want to you show...don't settle for this, because this isn't my best for you!"

I see the end result of the prodigal as the young man sitting in the filth and mud of his own making.  His decisions and actions brought him to the mud and mire and he realizes where he is and what he is doing.  He recognizes that even the servants of his father are treated better than this.  Was he remorseful?  Was he repentant?

I think in the loving arms of his father who ran out to greet him with arms full of compassion, tears washing away the mud and mire, soothing the young mans hurt, a father extended grace in the midst of the sons repentance, now being offered much more than he deserved.  How much more is our Father who calls out to us..."My son...My daughter...I love you...come home!  Don't settle for less than what I have for you, which is so much more than what you deserve...COME let me show you My mysterious ways...I'm waiting!"

Bill 18 Anti-WHAT?

Today, news hit when a large evangelical church in a relatively conservative town was covered in the Winnipeg Free Press.  I hadn't had the opportunity to read the article yet, but I already had a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach.  When I did read it, it confirmed the sinking feeling.

Having worked for the last 7 years in a ministry which seeks to be a safe and confidential place for those dealing with relational and sexual issues including gender issues, this article didn't sit well with me.

Let me begin by saying that Bill 18 is flawed.  There are many parts of the Bill that will only propagate bullying and in its segregated statements it will only facilitate an us vs them state of mind.  As I read the Bill I wonder about a huge segment of kids left to in the fray of a specific agenda...

...the disabled kid...the fat kid...skinny kid...acne prone kid...the geek...the nerd...the jock...the cheerleader...the slut...the virgin...the fag...the dyke...the fairy...the bucktoothed beaver...the Christian...the Sikh...the atheist...the black...the white...the native...the Asian...and the list goes one!

The Bill is flawed when it comes to 90% of the population who in their own right have a right not to be bullied.  I love groups, especially ones that provide a safe and respectful environment, but this bill has only identified one specific issue...the gay one!  If we can get a handle on this one which is the most prevalent then we've done good....right?  Okay...lets just stop right here for a minute or two.

From the age of 11...bullying began.  I was called every name in the book...tossed around in school...every day (yes every day) until I was 17 I was subjected to ridicule and harassment.  Even some teachers took their insecurities out on me...only to further push me further into a mess of confusion.  Was the school safe for me?  NO.  But neither was the community.  I had a few good friends, but for the most part growing up in small town Manitoba (hockey haven), I didn't fit the mold.  I rubbed up against the insecurity of those around me.  Running the water in the sink with the razor in my hand shocked me and I couldn't do it.  Holding the pills in my hand wanting desperately to pop them and just go to sleep...shook me awake.  Things changed when I switched schools and went to a private one in grade 12...or did they?

Kids were still picked on...having had traumatic experiences of bullying, I could well see subtle and blatant bullying...social standing vs poverty, jock vs geek, but it was subtle and yet still damaging to both the bully and the victim.  Most kids who are bullied also bully!

Even after high school, moving back to my home town, I remember kids chasing me in a vehicle, taunting me, yelling obscenities...why?  Because I was different and they couldn't deal with their insecurity...and most likely they too were bullied!

Years later I came out and proclaimed my gay identity as my right and I was adamant that no one would hurt me, ridicule me or do this to others, regarding their gender, sexuality or for any matter.  I worked for 20 years in the daycare and school system and fought hard to do my part to stop bullying.  I jumped on the EGALE bandwagon and began to see a focus that wasn't healthy.  Sure, this segment of the population needs a safe place...but so does every kid!  Regardless of who or what they are.

Then because of my faith, I chose to not identify myself as gay and sought to understand the complexities of my gender and sexuality, surprisingly I faced bullying again.  Subtle bullying as well as blatant.  I was now taunted and ridiculed by those to whom I fought for!  The ones that were bullied were now bullying me.  Saying I was hateful, a bigot and a liar.  I was slandered and run through the mud.  Even though I have a differing view, I also view everyone's decision to live their life...just that...THEIRS.  Does it affect me?  Sometimes, but I am called to be Christ's hands and feet.  I am called to love my neighbor and we find our commonality in our human-ness a need to feel safe and respected.  When this isn't felt, insecurities and projections and anger rise it's ugly head!

I wonder...ARE YOU GETTING IT?  Do you see a bigger picture in this?  I do!

I see that this Bill 18 is not the answer.  The bigger picture is..."Are our children safe?"  When I sit back and think about that...I don't think they are.  None of us can be there fully for our children 24/7.  They are at risk everywhere they go.  We as parents need to be intentional in EVERYTHING we do.  We need to be involved and not passive as we parent our children.  Who is raising our children?  TV, VIDEO GAMES, TEACHERS, DAY CARES, GOVERNMENT?  We need to be talking with our kids about differences and how in the midst of even our own fears and the complexities of life

Even though Bill 18 is flawed and not the answer, the reality is that there is something much bigger going on.  Is the answer fighting?
Is the answer apathy?

I think people on both sides of this Bill need to see a BIGGER picture of the necessity of keeping ALL children safe from bullying.  Being respectful of a very diverse world with which we live in.

Part of this process is realizing that for years the 'church' has been relatively silent.  Only rising up when something comes close to causing discomfort and uneasiness, but in the silence they have lost their voice of influence.  If you want influence and the ability to speak out about a certain subject, it's walking in the very area you want to be influential.  It's being that safe and respectful place.  It's seeking out wisdom and understanding, it's speaking and being proactive on education and not keeping your head in the sand, hoping the issue will just go away.

When we want to proclaim truth...we need to marry that with the grace extended to us...showing the mercy of Jesus.

What will you give up?

I was listening to an interview this past week and one phrase stuck out for me.  "What will you give up?"

For most of us the idea of giving something up that means a lot to us challenges us and can bring quite a bit of conflict to our humanness.  What happens when this something is particularly engrained in us and something we think cannot be given up?

As I drove to work today, I was pondering life and the complexities of it.  I am amazed at what God has done in the areas of my life that I have given over to him.  Some out of obedience and some with kicking and screaming while others were easy to give up out of a love relationship with an eternal Father.

Today, I got thinking of my gender and my worth as a man.  What came to me was this thought..."Kenny, you could have changed your body with hormones and surgery, but you cannot change the composition of your DNA...the blueprint of how God made you, unique and fully male!"  Maybe with science and the way things are headed we can manipulate and change things around by a human perspective...focusing on being creator rather than acknowledging that we are created beings...designed by God for His glory.

I look at my hands, my features and other bodily parts and recognize the masculine traits on the outside, but what about the ones on the inside that fought with the outward expression.  I couldn't stop the formation of hair on my chest, or the sharpness of my jaw, the thickening of my torso, the shape of my being was in conflict with my inner self that cried out for the softness of the feminine.  I began to hate how I was created rather than be in awe of how I was created.

When God profoundly spoke to me in 2005 and called me out of my Egypt into the wilderness, I knew it was about giving up.  It was to give up control of my life and how I had created and worshiped my life.  It was no longer me that was in charge but God who knows infinitely more than I do and who cares for me with deep compassion.

I had to give up the notion that I was gay and I had to give up the notion that I could have a sex change.  These things were deeply ingrained in me for years.  I remember vividly a time when my mom after catching me wear her clothes say "they have operations for that!"  She doesn't remember saying it and I think it was said mostly out of the fear of the unknown, yet it penetrated in my being and this nagging sense of insecurity reared it's head.  It stuck with me.  This idea of what if.

Yet, I looked in the mirror and saw something very male.  I watched every talk show that was geared toward transsexualism and I was fascinated by what I saw and heard.  Could it be that I could do it too?
But what I began to witness was the manipulation of the body to conform to the minds thoughts.  Essentially, I saw men in women's clothing.  I saw the effects of what female hormones could do, yet, the movement, the bone structures, the work it would be to transform felt like a lie to me.  It wasn't negating the deep feelings inside or the turmoil, yet, it seemed to me that there was something else that played a factor.  Could it be the environment and behavioral structures of their early years played a factor?  I had to examine mine.

In doing this examination, I had to give up the notion that my environment had nothing to do with my struggle and disorded sense of gender.  I had to realize that how I was parented and my own interpretations of events were part of the factors of my development.  I had to give up and see God at work in and through my life as a man.  The complexities of the journey given over to Him so He can help navigate and direct my steps toward health in all areas of my life.

Giving up...ya, I've had to give up a lot.  I don't regret any of it, nor would I wish my life to be something else.  Truth be told, God is constantly revealing things in me that I need to give up...and in giving up, I receive so much more than what I could imagine.  He fills me with joy, peace, love and gives me good things to replace the stuff that is tarnished, old and broken down.  I won't say it's easy and it won't hurt.  On the contrary, it usually does and quite a bit actually.  But what comes out of the ashes of pain is often a beautiful aroma of praise.

So, what are you giving up?  What is God asking you to give over to Him?

Abomination?

Just listened to an old interview on The Hour with Dr. Alicia Salzar.  It was dated June 2007 and was promoting the movie she Directed called Abomination.

As I listened to her talk, there were things I agreed with.  Using shock therapy as a way to change your sexual preference isn't human, nor should it be used EVER.  But what was bothersome was the degree of what was left unsaid.  I was actually left feeling quite saddened by that fact.  She left us devaluing thousands of people. 

Now you may think..."Kenny...many LGBT people have felt devalued for many years and still do!"  I want to ask you to stop for one minute...and think...does this make it right to devalue another person?  Do two wrongs make a right?

As we dialogue with people and come to know their hearts, their dreams and desires, it becomes quite evident that their lives are complex and rich with experiences that have helped shape them to who they are at that moment.  We cannot delineate and separate those experiences from who they are today.  Each of us is affected by our parental lineage and what they did as they raised us.  We also take into full account that children are the best recorders of information but the worst interpreters and yet we live in a society that would say...they can be trusted to interpret correctly and as such, we place in their hands decisions that will affect them for the rest of their lives. 

Dr. Alicia Salzar left me with the idea that anyone with a faith or religious belief that would cause us to live our life toward holiness is a negative and hurtful thing.  When in reality, finding our place at the Cross of Jesus is a wonderful and freeing place.  Knowing that we find our selves FREE is good news indeed.  As we let go of shame and guilt, we can walk with greater dignity and love for ourselves and for others.  Even with continued struggles, no matter what they are. 

Maybe the bigger issue is that for years the "church" has proclaimed that once saved your life is without struggle, which left those who did continue to face issues in their life, wondering and question the authenticity of their worth and faith.

For many years, I looked at everyone around me as perfect, without blemish and spot and this left me feeling that I never measured up to the standard of what it was to be a Christian and especially as I struggled with my gender.  It wasn't going away so what was I not doing right? 

How I've come to look at it now is a place of grace and mercy.  This took years of self discovery and submission to Jesus.  Yes Submission.  In today's culture, it is a word that makes people cringe.  With self expression, self motivation, self help, self...self...self...we internally view that we are more important than any other being...even God.  So to submit my sexuality, my gender identity and my worth was significant to me.  It wasn't any longer a feeling of self sabbatoge or that God was this mean creator who wouldn't allow me to identify as a gay man, rather, a wonderful creator who called me into the fullness of who I was as a man and defined my sexuality in His terms. In submitting I am honoring Him not in a fear of discipline, but rather out of love and respectful acknowledgement that He is holy and just. 

Another aspect of the interview that was left out was the impact Dr. Alfred Kinsey and the Kinsey Institute has had on this generation.  For years he has been lauded as the pioneer of the sexual revolution when in reality he has affected many people's lives with his studies on male sexuality in negative ways.  Kinsey's research included sexually abusing many men.  He is also linked to the Nazi experiments that were going on during their regime...


Quoted from CWA...it states...

THE NAZI CONNECTION
This statement referred to Kinsey’s correspondence with Dr. Friedrich Karl Hugo Viktor von Balluseck, a Nazi who was in charge of a small Polish town during World War II. Von Balluseck, according to testimony during his 1957 trial for a child sex murder, molested boys and girls from 1927 to 1957. 4

As reported by the Franfurter Allegemeine Zeitung on May 22, 1957:

“Dr. Balluseck…[recorded measurements] of his crimes committed against children between 9 and 14
years old … in four thick diaries … of a pseudo-scientific character … while in correspondence with the American sexual researcher Kinsey … about his research, which as he said himself, took place over three decades.”5

Another German newspaper, the Berliner Zeitung, reported on May 16, 1957:

“Kinsey had asked the paedophile specifically for material of his perverse actions. The presiding judge, Dr. [Heinrich] Berger, noted that it was Kinsey’s duty to get Balluseck locked up, instead of
corresponding with him.”6

In an attempt to soften the impact of the crimes, the current director of the Kinsey Institute, Dr. John
Bancroft, told the Indianapolis Star on September 19, 1995, that the information in Tables 30-34 came from one pedophile, a man called Mr. X, later revealed to be Rex King.  Regardless of the number of pedophiles involved, it is clear that they had a skewed perception of child sexuality, that Kinsey encouraged the abuse, and that they left sexually abused children in their wake.
                                           .
4 Judith A. Reisman, Ph.D., Kinsey: Crimes & Consequences (Crestwood, Kentucky: Institute for Media Education), 2000, p. 165, based on German newspaper articles.
5Quoted in Kinsey, Crime & Consequences, p. 166. 
6 Ibid, p. 167.

If people did the research past the surface, we would in society deem Dr. Alfred Kinsey a criminal and yet we still applaud his efforts in the sexual revolution.  REALLY? 

I think if we took the time to face the realities of who he was, we'd have to re-examine EVERYTHING that he put forth as 'GOOD', which wouldn't make us feel good.  You see we would have to be faced with the truth and reality of what was not substantial work or respected research. 

So let's get real and honest for a moment.  My struggle with same gender attraction used to define me and cause me to believe I was born gay.  As I have discovered and faced the ways I was parented and how I perceived the world around me and interpreted events that took place, I have uncovered the real Kenny.  I'm not pretending, rather extremely honest with myself and with others about my life.  This includes the realities of walking in submission to the one I call Father...a God who doesn't make mistakes, but the one who calls we worthy, loved, cherished.  I am his favorite son!  Blemishes and all!

It's sad really that so much untruth is formulated by those who think they "know it" yet when in truth have perpetuated hate and superstition. 

I wish Dr. Salzar could see the joy and peace that I have in my life.  The ways my faith has been positively affecting not just me, but my family and those around me and essentially causing me to love those deemed unlovable.  Maybe one day!