Christian Mingle lawsuit - flawed

Now in the news...
Christian Mingle Lawsuit: settled!

2 gay men (identities surprisingly covered up) sue the Christian Mingle company because they discover that there is no place for them to sign up.  You have to be a heterosexual christian to sign up. Oh dear!

The world is ending! (okay, maybe not today!)  I had no clue this was happening until I read the article on a FB friends page.  I even responded with a lengthy post, but it magically disappeared.  What's becoming increasingly clear is that if you do not adopt a broad spectrum of service for ALL people, even if it does not fit clearly in your mission statement or in your business, then you are violating the human right of an individual to participate and you will get slapped on the wrist, you will be sued etc.

Christian Mingle was now forced by coercion to put on their site a place for gay and lesbian Christians the ability to sign up.  They also paid the legal fees of the two men (450,000) and money to the 2 gay men (9,000 each).

Sit with that info!  Sit with the amount of money that was spent on this 'human rights violation!'

I then researched dating sites specifically for LGBTQ+ including those who identify being Christian LGBTQ+.  I wasn't sure what would pop up, and so I informed my accountability guys that "hey, I wasn't looking at things that I shouldn't, nor was I thinking or tempted to sign up on a site!" (yup that is what accountability looks like for me!)
A whole list of sites came up and then I wondered.  "What was the meaning to this law suit?"  Because it wasn't because there were no sites available, on the contrary, there are many sites.

I don't like how this sits...period!

Firstly: Do we as self identifying heterosexuals sue all (ALL) LGBTQ+ dating sites?  Maybe if I held that as a cultural response (that I should sue people), I could get enough money to go on a cruise or do a much needed reno on our house!  But I would much rather see the 468,000$ go toward a good cause. 

Secondly: If those 2 unidentified gay men were Christian's, why are they suing Christian Mingle anyways?  Why not start your own company if this bothers you so much.  One that will cater to your community.  Not all communities (businesses like Christian Mingle) need to cater to your belief or the ways you live your life. Christian Mingle was targeting a specific group...Christian heterosexual men and women...period, and this should not be classified as a human rights violation.

Thirdly:  There is no mention whatsoever in any of the articles written that they will cater to transgender individuals.  Is it just Christian gay or lesbian's who get the privilege?  How come the 2 gay men did not stand up for the rights of those who identify themselves as Transgendered?

I am all for baking a cake!  If you have read anything that I have written, I believe that a business should cater to all people...but something like a dating site which is specific...that is different.  There should be a freedom in that place, just as there is a freedom to have just a christian lesbian dating site, which caters to just that specific group.   

Again we have a double standard!  Dictated by culture in the name of human rights violations.  When will this stop?  Until there is clearly no specific groups anymore?  Why not just do away with all narrow, specific groups and classifications?  Wouldn't that just solve everything?  Or would that just make everything a bit more chaotic and challenging for everyone?

As for the 2 unidentified gay men?  I have no idea who you are, or what your motives were (though I have an inkling what it was!) I hope you use the money you got on serving the community around you.  Instead of fighting for something that is so not worth it, why not feed the poor, care for the widows and orphans and look after the sick!

I'm going out to do the same!

Tunnel Vision

My wife and I are in the midst of clearing house.  Its amazing how in 9 years of marriage you can accumulate so much 'stuff'; paper, knick knacks and journals.  We have so many journals, some full and some half started.  This morning I was going through my work journal/to do list book and I came across notes I wrote as I reflected on my driving.  These thoughts came to me as I began viewing how I drive our car and I began to slow down to 'see' others.  What I encountered was frantic people, with tunnel vision.  I had been so preoccupied with where I was going that I lost sight of others, making me a dangerous and unkind driver.  I found that we can take this attitude into ever part of our lives and can be consumed by it.

I was thinking about the human condition of 'self' and how this plays out in our every day lives.  I think this concept is something that isn't necessarily new (what is now a days!)
but still applicable and necessary for us to evaluate on an ongoing basis.

We talk about LOVE, ACCEPTANCE, DIVERSITY but let's look at the fundamental belief that 'I am here on earth to get what I need and deserve!'  

There is this Christian worship song called 'Jesus, lover of my soul' by Paul Oakley.  It's a great song and I love it.  One day as I was singing it, I changed the words to the verse to better fit how we often live out our life.

verse
It's all about me, Jesus
and all this is for me
for my glory and my fame
It's not about you
as if you should do things your way
I alone am God and I don't surrender
to your ways

If we think closely to this verse and how these words speak to our spirit, we can most likely shout out an ouch...that hurts.  Is it really all about me?

Now before you jump all over me with excuses and thoughts on surrender and 'life is to be lived to the fullest', hear me out.

If I truly evaluate my life and examine my thoughts and I keep in mind the statement; 'I am here on earth to get what I need and deserve!'
This will cause me to see life with tunnel vision, narrowing my sight to just me, myself and I.  Our narrow vision may include others from time to time, but deep down, a questions continue to nag at the very depth of our soul: "Who am I? and What am I getting out of life?"

I think of many men that I know who have left their wives or their wives have left them because they came out identified with being 'gay or lesbian' or they left their spouse because they 'fell out of love, or never loved at all' or they found 'love someplace else'.  It's tunnel vision.
We bought into the notion that self actualization, self worth is more important than commitment, respect, honor, love, integrity, hard work, faithfulness, self control, goodness...kind of similar to the fruits of the spirit! We make excuses and tell others what we want them to know which is actually just appeasing our own neediness and brokenness, because we don't want to feel pain.  I get that.  I lived it for years...and if I am honest, I still wrestle with it. 

When I came out gay identified, it was about me!  It wasn't about others.  It was me, realizing that I had to live true to myself.  It was I in the garden, the serpent handing me the fruit saying "Did God actually say that?  He wouldn't hold good back from you, would he?"  I bought into a cultural definition of worth and identity because it felt right and good.  It didn't take into account those who loved me, or people who would be hurt by my 'self actualization'.  I was applauded by society, and yet I left a trail of pain behind me as I plowed off in my own direction.  I was a relatively good guy to boot. I hated injustice (I still do) People liked me, I liked people and I tried to treat others fair.  Yet, life was about me!  I viewed success as how I would prevail and rise above and get more money.  I was busy getting!

I met a great friend in the midst of all of this 'life of self' who challenged me by the ways she lived her life.  To this day, I don't think I have met anyone who is like her.  She challenged me to see others, to value others and to give generously.  We were co-workers at a school and we began to pay things forward (before it was even popular!)  Kindness; how could we be kind?  How could we lighten someone's day?  We tried secret pals, we created events like goody days that went all out in blessing others, and who knows the impact it had on others, but it did something to me.  It began to change how I saw people.  It slowed me down, because I needed to be intentional.

Now as a believer, I have come to realize even more, that life is not about me...and I still wrestle with that.  I still battle my own will when it comes to my interaction with my wife, my daughter, friends and those around me.  I'd love to say that I have laid down all my selfishness at the cross and live totally free of that.  Hardly.  There are still decisions that I mindlessly make that are fully equated to what I get out of it, rather than asking the question: "God, will you direct my decision making so you are glorified and others benefit?" 

This note that I found this morning, came at a good time as I reflect on getting rid of clutter, as I choose to allow God to continue to direct my steps and as I seek to do His perfect will and not live out of my own broken will.

Galatians 5:22-24 (The Message)

But what happens when we live God’s way? He brings gifts into our lives, much the same way that fruit appears in an orchard—things like affection for others, exuberance about life, serenity. We develop a willingness to stick with things, a sense of compassion in the heart, and a conviction that a basic holiness permeates things and people. We find ourselves involved in loyal commitments, not needing to force our way in life, able to marshal and direct our energies wisely.
Legalism is helpless in bringing this about; it only gets in the way. Among those who belong to Christ, everything connected with getting our own way and mindlessly responding to what everyone else calls necessities is killed off for good—crucified.

Tolerance and respect

Solidarity, Allied, Allegiance, total and absolute acceptance, tolerance...these are just a few of the words and statements that I have read from several sources from the CBC, Free Press, Globe and Mail.  It seems that the small town of Steinbach has now hit the National News.

With an event that was supposed to be around 200, it grew to exceed between 2500-5000 people which comprised of many people traveling to Steinbach to attend the parade.

The planners are excited that this shows that equality is needed in every community, no matter who or where that community it.

Something hasn't been sitting well for me as I reflect on the parade.  Not in terms of people feeling liberated to 'be who they believe they are and to feel safe to live that out in their community' because I am against all forms of bullying and injustice.  Rather I attest to the double standard and the practice of bullying tactics which are now being used by 'some people and their allies' within the LGBTQ community.

Okay, before you jump all over me, please hear me out.

First, I know bullying first hand.  Growing up in a small rural town in Manitoba, I know what it feels like to be bullied every day.  To be called a faggot, fairy, to be jeered at, gestures so cruel, it is a wonder that I survived (and I am serious about that!)  I've been chased by cars (even after graduating) and I don't recall any safe person who stood up for me, other than my twin brother. (thank you!!!)  I even had a teacher bully me!  Bullying and injustice are not acceptable in my eyes.

Yet, this bullying didn't give me free pass on bullying others, it did not make it right for me to bully anyone else.  No matter how hard it was for me!  Yet, I bullied.  When I came out in 1997 as a gay identified man, I was so hurt.  I felt justified in my hurt to try to demand that everyone accept the way I was living.  I demanded that everyone just 'accept ME!' Yet for the most part, I wore blinders unable to see that people had already accepted me as a person, but that acceptance for me as a person didn't mean that they had to now approve of how I was living.  I demanded total acceptance...PERIOD.  The true definition of tolerance and respect means that two people can come to a different conclusion on a matter, and still love and respect one another.

I lacked that in my life.  I had a hard time tolerating and respecting those who because of their faith in God believed differently than I.

This all changed when I grew in relationship with a few people.  While gay identified, I had a few Christian friends who believed that to act out on homosexual desires was sinful.  That it was not God's best for me.  Even with this belief that was not going to change, they loved and respected me.  They showed me tolerance and respect.  This began to shift my own thinking.  How was I showing that same respect and tolerance?  It wasn't going to shift in my demands that everyone 'change' their belief, but rather, it shifted in my understanding that to be tolerant and respectful was to see difference as okay.   It's how we treat one another in the process.

Even though I no longer identify as a gay man and am married to a woman, I seek to live this attitude of respect out to the best of my ability. (No one is perfect, but I seek to love others with God's help)

So when I read articles that disrespected people who chose not to attend the Steinbach pride parade because of their belief (specifically MP Ted Falk) it bothered me. It showed a total lack of respect and tolerance of another persons view.  Just because Ted Falk chose not to attend the pride parade due to his integrity of belief, does not mean that he does not accept and respect others with a different belief system as his.

'Everybody has rights' is the statement that has been stated by the LGBTQ Allies (as is stated in a few of the articles) and if this is so, then sit with that statement.  Let it rest in your head and your heart.  Try to filter it through the other persons belief rather than your fear, your hurt and your own limited understanding.  (this by the way goes for those on both sides of the issue!)

How about before we begin speaking, we begin talking with one another.  Get to know someone who is different than you.  How about you let your fear go and seek to love and ask questions...and listen.

Enough said..."I'm going to go listen!"

Take me to your leader!

Who’s your leader? previously published in Christian Courier

Have you ever been asked to identify your leader? How would you best answer that question? Would you ask for clarification, some perspective as to where the question is coming from? To be honest, I haven’t been asked to think about that very often. In fact, I don’t think it’s ever come up.

In an ever-changing cultural climate, I believe we should be asking that question of ourselves. Examine who is leading your life and the lives of those you love. So let me begin by asking you, “Who is your leader?”

We can answer a variety of ways. We could give the name of our pastor or a leader at church; we might mention a spouse or parent; you might think first of your country’s political leader, elected to rule. Hopefully Christians say that Jesus is our leader, and we have submitted our lives to his perfect plan. Yet is this truly the case?

As I was examining my life, I realized that I can be quick to say that Jesus is my leader; I follow his direction and submit to his authority. If I am honest, however, my human bent is toward “me” being the leader of my life. When I first realized that I was struggling with same-sex attraction, I began to petition God to do something. He needed to change me and wipe away all of this undesired attraction toward the same gender and turn my head to the opposite gender. I really wanted him to guide me like a Genie in a bottle, or wave some magical wand to give me an easier life. I wasn’t too keen on a leader who would ask me to deny my sexual attraction to guys when it felt like it was such an integral part of who I was. In essence God, my leader, was asking me to deny every aspect of my life and follow after his direction for my good and for his glory. That seemed too much like a dictator. The deeper wrestle inside of me was “me.” The question that my human heart was asking was “What’s in it for me?”

Beloved

If we are honest, I believe we all wonder that at some point in our lives, which comes from a rebellious and sinful nature. It’s similar to the serpent in the garden that tempted Adam and Eve with the statement, “A loving God wouldn’t withhold this good from you!” I personally wrestled with this for years. I ate the apple of my own desires and led my life away from God’s best for me. Taking leadership and living my own life felt good, most of the time. It seemed right. I read other people’s views that would validate and orient me toward me continuing to be in control of my own life and destiny.

Then God came and asked if I would elect him as the true leader in my life. I had a decision to make. I could continue to live as the leader of my life or I could begin to trust God that his ways were better than mine. When I placed my trust in him, he began to lead me in a way that was so different than what I expected. First he established that he loved me and this would never change. No matter what I would face or go through, he promised that he would not abdicate his leadership over my life even when his best for me would not feel good. I was tentative with this new relationship and in many respects I still am. There are many times when I take the lead role in my life instead of seeking first the Kingdom. Then I’m thankful that my leader is also my heavenly father who extends mercy and grace instead of punishment.  

So who is your leader? And can you trust God that his ways are better than yours?

Finding Beauty

Get out and smell the flowers.

I love to garden.  I've written about this before and yet, today I am reminded of the glory of being in the dirt and tending to my small garden.

This week I have had a variety of emotions.  These feelings have been all over the map as I listened and read commentaries and ponder the events that have happened in Orlando and other places in the world.  To be honest, this week as I talked with God I told him, "what were we thinking when we thought about having children?"  I just felt overwhelmed with the magnitude of the changes in culture and the raising of a young child. 

How will she fare?  Will she stay firmly grounded in God's love and truth?  Will she be overcome with cultural dictatorship or will she know her Kingdom is eternally set?  Will she foster love in her heart to those who may act on their fear and spew hate?

These questions I cannot answer, but I felt like the Lord tell me "Kenny, don't worry!  Trust that I will continue to finish the work I started in her, just like I am doing for you!"

I can handle that God!  I don't need to have all the answers, nor do I need to know the end result, I just need to trust you.  In this uncertain time in culture, I decided to just get up and move.  I simply got up and went outside and began walking in my tiny garden.  The poppies and lilies, mock orange and peonies are all in bloom and I began to tend the garden.  I made flower arrangements...for no reason but to have beauty in our house.

Essentially, I went out and began smelling the flowers.  It came with making a decision to get up and move and find beautify in the midst of fear and hatred that I sense all around me.

Not just in nature, but in others, there lies beauty.  Sometimes this beauty is hidden in fear, and in some beauty has turned evil, anger and hate filling them with an inability to see good and beauty in others.  Here, the enemy of life has stolen something that was once a treasure to be fostered and embraced.

Today, as you go about your day, take note of the beautiful treasure that lives in you.  Relish the fact that you have been fearfully and wonderfully made, and in this place you are a gift to others around you.  Don't just stop there, but begin to look for the treasure in others.  Is it hidden?  Does it need encouragement to come out of hiding?  Does it need a good dose of JOY and LOVE?  Look for opportunities to bless rather than curse, to love rather than hate. 

Practical ways to do it you say?

When you're in the coffee line, pay for the next persons coffee, tea or whatever!  Pick up some flowers and give them away. (just don't rob people's gardens please!)  Tell someone they are loved and they have value.  Make a meal for someone, offer to babysit, do something practical.  Practice hospitality, invite people over, do a good deed, visit the sick, go to a personal care home and cheer someone up.  Ask someone how they are doing...really doing!  You never know what will come up, and then ask to pray for them.

Be creative and love.  For love covers over a multitude of stuff...and it really does make a difference.

Orlando Loving

Every where you look on social media there is some news on the Orlando shooting.  I saw the faces of the men and women who lost their lives and my heart grieved!  It is a senseless tragedy which no one wishes on anyone.  My deepest condolences to each family and their friends.

I reflect on the fact that 11 years ago, this could have been me.  I frequented gay bars and I enjoyed meeting people, loved to drink and dance my cares away.  I read a write up on one of the victims and she loved going to the bars as she felt like she could just be herself.  I get that!

My prayers are with the families and friends who are now 'missing' those they loved!

My prayers are also with people who use this as a platform to spew ignorance and hate, and to those who use this to paint 'Christian's or people of other faiths' as bigots, homophobic, haters, etc.

I read a report by Neil McDonald, Senior Correspondent from CBC http://www.cbc.ca/news/politics/orlando-religion-anti-gay-bigotry-1.3631994?cmp=rss
who writes not on the issue of humanity gone wrong due to hate, but he brings in question of whether or not we need to have a conversation (which he states is overdue) regarding certain religions attitudes toward gays!

He starts the article with the story of the killing of Women in Montreal (a terrible tragedy as well)
and uses it to begin that not just the killing was bad but hatred toward women includes telling jokes about women, smiling at the jokes, or being sexist.  (I agree, but take a look at advertising, media, entertainment and we have a whole lot of growing up to do yet!)

He lays down that this too is where we are landing with gay intolerance, specifically within religions.  He quotes old testament scripture, the city of Sodom, and talks about the Muslim religion, and strongly portrays that homosexuality is an abomination, punishable by death.

He goes on to say "People of faith might ask themselves this; even if they've never so much as lifted a hand to a gay person, have they smiled at a homophobic joke?  Or overlooked mistreatment?  Or nodded during an anti-gay sermon?"

I get that too.  I lived a closeted life in the church for 20 years.  Secretly hoping no one would find out about my conflicting sense of gender and sexuality.  I heard little hope for anyone who struggled with homosexuality and transgenderism.  I eventually came out as a gay identified man (who also struggled with deep gender identity issues) and I had what I viewed as a valid chip on my shoulder.  I had a negative view of religion, and God and I was adamant that I would not be told by anyone how to live my life, and if they judged me, I wrote them off as a bigot, homophobe and a stupid ignorant $&^%#.  (I did have some good friends who identified as Christians who extended authentic love to me during this time!  They remain my dearest of friends!)

Then nearly a decade into this security that I had created for myself, I had an encounter with God, which changed my life.  It was His love, not hate, that propelled me to Jesus!  I submitted my whole life before him and he began to integrate my sexuality, identity, gender and heal and restore some deep wounds. I no longer identify as a gay man.  I continue to struggle with unwanted same sex attraction at times, but it is no longer a heavy weight of shame.  I seek to remain faithful to a God whose faithfulness is far greater than mine.  Whose love is beyond compare.

As I fearfully walked back into an evangelical community of believers, I openly talked about my journey, life, and struggles and I found others who embraced and loved me unconditionally.  I encountered others who got this thing called love.

As the world continues to talk more and more about hate, to which I have experienced first hand, lets maybe talk more about the underlying issue which is FEAR.

I have experienced hateful actions caused by peoples fears.  When you do not have answers or an understanding of something you can allow fear to rule your body, rather than love.  I encountered that within the Church and from those within the LGBT community.  What Neil McDonald is laying down in this article is actually quite scary.  He may not even see it, but he is categorizing 'all evangelical Christians and Muslims' as hateful, because their belief on homosexuality is different than the culture around them.  In this place he is fostering a posture of fear, which will only cause greater misunderstanding.  To value diversity is to say that I can have a belief which may be different than yours, yet, I will still love and care for you as a human.

In these days and during tragedies such as the Orlando shootings, let's kick fear to the curb, rather than kick one another and how about we let love win the day.

Best Day Ever

previously published in the Christian Courier

 

“This is the best day ever!” exclaimed my five year old daughter as we headed to church on Sunday.  These words stuck in my mind as I was preoccupied in thought.  Exactly a week prior our family helped move a family of 7 to a northern community 8 hours away.  This family had been in our house group for three years and their two oldest kids were my daughter’s playmates.  They were bff’s (best friends forever).  Our daughter is an only child and so the friendship that these kids have had has been an incredible blessing and gift to us as parents and it filled a need for our daughter.  Needless to say we were all missing their presence and we knew that Sunday’s would be the hardest for our daughter.

So, as she pronounced this to be the “best day ever”, I wondered what was going on in her mind.  Did she not remember that her best friends would not be there?  There she was getting herself dressed and ready with a smile and a song in her heart.  She was literally overjoyed and I was taken back.  I asked her why it was the best day ever and she said, “Daddy, I am going to be the teacher’s helper in Sunday School today.”  She could hardly control her enthusiasm and she even chose her clothes saying that this is what a helper would wear.

I didn’t ask her if she was missing her friends, or if she even remembered that they would not be there, I just let her be in her joyful state.  I watched her as she went down to the class grinning from ear to ear.  There were no outward tears or eyes searching for her friends, no it was Sunday as usual and she went downstairs with her teacher without a care in the world. 

I know that she is processing in her own way the loss of her friends.  It takes her a while for her to voice her thoughts and emotions and so we patiently wait.  Though technology has grown and given us the ability to foster continued connection via skype and face time, this isn’t the same for a young child who needs the tangible in person connection with another person.  Yet, somehow I wonder if my daughter gets this realization that life goes on and she is not going to let this stop her from the next thing God has for her to do.  Even at her age God has a plan and purpose for her and we see her embracing this call of service unto the Lord.  It seems that she is oblivious to the missing and just steps into the next phase of life.

As I watched my daughter’s behaviour, I had to ask myself some questions.  Do I believe the plans and purposes for my life in the midst of loss?  Can I in childlike faith be just as excited as our daughter was in the next step of the adventure of serving God?  Or do I in the midst of change lose sight of what God wants to do next?  To be perfectly honest, I know that this is a challenge for me and during times of change I can lose my enthusiasm and forget that God is good and does have new things for me.  I can get stuck in the memories of what I am missing and lose sight of the new all around me. New people who will join our house group, new families to meet and foster friendship and new and creative ways to stay intentionally connected with this family.  Rather than fight these changes I can learn from my daughter that faith like a child is simplistically wonderful.

The truth of the matter is that life goes on and thankfully, God’s grace and mercy is new to us every morning, giving us the ability to face each and every day as a gift.  Our challenge is to look for the new adventures, the plans and purposes that God has for us each and every day.   With change, there will be the natural missing, especially when people move on to other places, but we can’t get stuck there, we have to press on to find the treasures around us.  With faith like a child and no matter what we face, we can enthusiastically proclaim to those around us that “Yes, this is the best day ever!”