consuming thoughts

What I find interesting
is the thoughts of man.
Wasted memories,
thougths that flew.
Desires burn
passions plea.
Trying to take us to
common places,
so comfortable
so un-new.

Wanting more
of your consumming grace
mercy unfailing
mercy unchanging.
To be consummed by you,
take over
desires within.
Line them up
to your rule and reign.
Consume me, consume me.

Paths I've walked
hearts I've found,
used and abused
no rest I found.
Till you came
you rescued me
drew me close
with your unfailing love,
your unchanging name.

kpw 2006

Oh Mercy Lord
come rest on me.
Change my name
change my plea.
Here I stand
arms open wide.
Consume me with
your holy fire
consume me with
your holy fire

kpw 2006

I have been writing a bit more on paper lately. Having the need to write with a pen or pencil. Hear the scratch of the writing utensil on the paper, see the color go across the page. It is easy to type and hear the click of the keys, but there is something about writing on paper. Theraputic.

So, there are changes going on in my life and I am having to focus on taking it one day at a time. Focus on today. Not months down the line. That will come. So I ease up. Enjoy the moment.
So what happens here with transparency in regards to the person I am dating? I am choosing for the moment not to comment. Keep it between God and her and some good friends who support us. Maybe one day I will post about her, but not right now. It is right now too tender and sweet.

I have been missing appointments and it kinda feels like I need to take stock of things in my life. Take time to stop and think. Refocus.

So tomorrow, or this morning...we go golfing, a few friends and we relax before the big party Saturday night. I am happy that they arrived safe from Minneapolis, that we can visit and enjoy each others company. I am looking forward to many more times with them at conferences and meetings. Thank you God for directing my path. For making known my direction and supplying my needs according to your glorious riches in Christ Jesus.

I moved back in May last year and so much has changed. Job, career, relationship status, accomodations. To some it could be overwelming, but when God is in control there is an element of peace that comes. I want to elaborate...but these thoughts will come in another post...

just a bit of me

This is written after the Easter weekend....

This weekend was BUSY! I wish that monday would have been a holidy so I could just sit and veg a bit. I have not had one of those days of late and I have been missing it. Something about reading a good book in the sun.

I need solitude sometimes, to refresh my soul.
I need nature to calm me and bring me to the awe moments.
I need music to fill me with melody's.
I need people to encourage and lift me up.

But most of all I need God. I need him. Someone asked me if I was dependant on him. I said yes. I depend on God to teach me, speak to me. To guide me through life. Who am I that I should be God or think that I am He? I often push him aside and busy my life with other "stuff". I put off spending time in his presence. I put off talking with him. For what? Life get's busy and I forget. Blame it on short term memory loss, or just the fact that I don't say no when I really should or the fact that I do not budget my time well.

Living Waters is over and a new group is starting up in a week. I am so looking forward to meeting again with a group of men. I have to say, I have missed it, which is huge. It is refreshing and real...to be a part of men encouraging one another and building each other up. Recognizing the fact that we were never meant to do life on our own. How important community is to each of us. Thinking of small villages and towns were everyone knew each other and helped each other out, and now trying to make that happen here in a big city...it can be hard. People can get lost.

stations of the cross

bad friday...or is it good.

I have often wondered that at Easter. Jesus died, he died a horrible death, tortured beyond belief...I wonder if his relatives would even recognize him. Today at Soul we went through the stations of the cross...a labrinth of meditations, reflection and taking time to be still.

It was more powerful that I thought it would be. It sometimes takes me awhile to get "the distractions" out of my head. So the 2 hours of meditation flew by. Really, it was amazing.

The service was quiet, introspective. I felt like an observer would have felt in the garden, at the supper and at the cross. I felt deep sadness, yet deep love and praise. I could have burst out in wailing, as I told my friends. Something deep touched my Soul and that was the spirit of God. Ministering something within. Deep gratitude for what Jesus bore and took for me. All of it for me. When they took the cross out of the room like a funeral service...darkened room, I wondered, was this it? What if this was it? What if he just died? But he didn't. He rose again...and I look forward in celebrating with much praise that Jesus did not just die. But that he rose again. Praise you Lord.

I am so tired, it has been a long day...went for a round of golf today, first one of the season. Wish I could go more often this year...but it might be tight. Thanks for the game buddy!! Shot a 53 and watched as my friend hit some incredible shots. Wow, even after one lesson...okay...teach me now.

Then went to my dad's place and spent time playing and eating good food. I am exhausted today...am looking forward in just getting into bed. My cat got spayed and so she needs some TLC from me. Curled up on my lap, purring loudly. She is way cute.

Until next time...

movie

Akeelah and the Bee. A movie not to be missed. It is not out yet...just saw the screening. It brought me to tears...so much of God in the movie. I wonder sometimes who writes this and why? What was their thoughts behind writing the movie. I found it personally interesting, the racial situations, the family components and how community can be found everywhere...when we least expect it. How there are thousands of mentors and teachers all around us.

I went with a couple of friends...one who is more than just a friend. Someone who has come into my life in a fresh and real way. Someone who takes my breath away. Who I treasure and hold with integrity and honor. Who is like a blossoming flower...glowing with the spirit within her.

I think back at a few months ago and how I commented to a friend how I am just enjoying being single, content to be like this for awhile and really, actually enjoying it. How things can change. I stand though in awe of God who works his hand in our lives. Who challenges us, stretches us, and gives us the desires of our heart, when at times are not even looking for it.

As I prepare for the celebration of Easter, I think at the time when I watched the Passion. I had a few years ago vowed I would not see it. When I watched it last summer, I wept...sobbed...snot everywhere. I saw with new eyes a little of what Christ went through...and for who....me. I let it minister to me. Some people will not see it because of the violence and I watched in shear heart ache as he was beaten, thinking that he took that for me. Realizing that the movie portrayed just a hint of the gruesome facts that probably took place...hits me even harder.

So I enter this time to reflect on the sacrifice, the gift and the hope that I have. To stand in awe of my Abba Father.

Ya, life is changing, it is challenging, it is giving. It is about renewal, restoration and refuge. I have seen God move...in wonderful ways. Hmmm, ya! Restoring the years the locusts have eaten, giving back the vineyards....Praise Him.

spays and stuff

So my cat got spayed today. I took her in early and she was really freakin out. I felt sad for her. Maybe she wanted more kittens...but I wasn't willing to stay put for 6 months. So that answered that. The vet said she was really hyper...is said "so you have not been around an abbyssinian lately." She is at home resting peacefully.

Housegroup meeting. It was good to meet new people and start connecting to the body of Christ. Really...this is community.

Soul is having a good friday service...9 am for the stations of the cross, an event not to be missed. Then from 11-1230 a service. Come out if you are curious and want to take some time out and meditate.

Last weekends trip to the lake...well, what can I say. It was good. Company was very good. Really!!!

That is exciting the scary at the same time.

I want to reflect a bit more on Easter, the Passion and just life in general, so I will write more later.

Does anyone read this blog?

This is a note from my friend Paula...after a trip up to my dad and his wife's cabin. I asked her if I could put it on my blog and she agreed. So read and enjoy. She is a gifted writer and I keep telling her to start blogging...maybe one day! Maybe some of her writing will find it's way on here.
Enjoy...Kenn.


Note: Skinny Dip Lane is the name of a street at a place called... The Narrows.

A Journal Entry (entitled) 18 Skinny Dip Lane or What I Know For Sure

Dear God.

You are my Father. I can hardly believe that I am where I am, seated in the car of a friend, a friend sent by You Lord - to minister Your truth into my life.

Lord - as for where things are going; as for where I am headed; as for where You are taking me Jesus; I really don't know. What I know for sure, is that You are God.
What I know for sure, is that You are forgiving.
What I know for sure, is that You are lovely.
What I know for sure, is that You are holy.
What I know for sure, is that You are friend.
What I know for sure, is that You are faithful.
What I know for sure, is that You are Saviour.
What I know for sure, is that You are Redeemer.
What I know for sure, is that You are healer.
What I know for sure, is that You are life.
What I know for sure, is that I need You, always and for everything. Jesus I need You. I know (that)... for sure.

Driving from Winnipeg to The Narrows was beauitful. It felt like the beginning of a journey and I wasn't sure if this was the beginning or if I hadn't stopped to notice when it all started. What I do know, is that I'm on it and Lord, that You're in it.

I thought it bless-edly interesting that on our way here to The Narrows, Kenn headed for Stonewall. Ah, my Dad's old almamata. Or maybe, it' not so much my Dad's, as it is mine. In any case, we got back on route and the drive was God led. It's no surprise to me, we arrived safely. It's no surprise that (Your love) Lord, brought me out here, today, to new ground, to unfamiliar surroundings where I am not acquainted with the names of streets; the colour of cabins; the smell of forest; nor the markings of trees. What is familiar though, is (You) Lord and the beauty of Your presence...the life restoring power of Your presence. And as I raise my head from this page, I can see water from a distance. Yes, water moving it's way in between small cracks of thinning ice and snow mounds that insist on experiencing Spring. I love this time of year; maybe because it's my birth month and I'll soon be 40. Na...that's not the reason. What I love, is seeing blades of grass, making their way passed the surface of what looks like brown stubble. I am reminded that something not yet fully seen, filled with life, and potential often lays below the surface and that even blades of grass have to break through - a ceiling of tough ground to rise above the shock of exposure to "the sun."

Kenn's Dad and his wife are wonderful people Lord. Thanks. We had muffins, fruit, and coffee. Well, I had tea but I got to drink love. I got to sit at a table where everyone was real; where the only things decorated were the cutlery and plates. Everything else was in it's natural form; ...much of it still being worked on. I thought to myself... ah, a project in the making with renovations shouting out loud, "look at me, I'm in the process of becoming something new." That's me Lord. I'm in the process of becoming, (becoming someone new). And as I sit here in Kenn's car penning these words that I'm inspired to write down; (in the background) I'm hearing the sound of a saw cutting it's way through wood; while a son responds to his Father's request for assistance; a helping hand; someone to join him in the labour of love; someone to help him get the job done; ... the remodelling of this cabin; the extending of walls; the re-building of rooms. It's why this place feels like a home.

Lord, today as Kenn and I drove out, so much was shared; spoken and unspoken. (You) ministered Lord. I knew, it was You. And here I am at a place called, The Narrows, where I am surrounded by water. Lord, as for where things are going, as for where I am headed; as for where You are taking me, Jesus; I really don't know. What I know for sure, is that You are God..... Amen.

An immediate after thought:

To skinny dip means to be fully submerged, immersed or swimming in water, while naked and without clothes. Thank YOU LORD, for that reminder. Ah, Lord, ... that just sparked another title idea for another story: When The Covering Is You. ....Your daughter, Paula.

what to say

Tonight, I wonder what to say. The journey of Living Waters is over...or has it just begun? As I sat listening to the men and women speak of their journey into freedom, I was overwelmed. Both in my own walk and sharing this walk with others. It has been incredible. The awesome reality of God.

Yet, as I came home, I began to feel overwelmed, fearful of what lies ahead. Stomach churning. Mostly, because I have an exam on thursday and I feel utterly, not ready. My mind has not been there. So much has happened these past two weeks. Wow.

I feel confindent though. More so than ever before in my life. I desire to know God more. I spoke tonight of how I felt during the Living Waters process. So many times, I felt like I could have been more open. I could have shared more, but I also know that what I shared was real.

I re-read my blog entries and am amazed at where God has brought me. It is incredible. Sure, I do not have it all together...I am not "healed", yet I know, I know of his unfailing love.

I wrote this for my living waters in review....

When I began Living Waters, I wrote on my blog this statement....
"WHAT HAVE I DONE? It would be so much easier to take the well traveled path".

I was scared of being real, vulnerable, ripped open and left for dead. I was frightened that this wouldn't work for me. That it would be too difficult and I would give up.

Well, I gave up. I gave up the notion and mind set that this is all about me and how healed I would be, and how my needs would be met.
I gave up control. This has not been easy. I like being in control. I just kow that I can't be. Being not in control has taken me to some very uncomfortable places. But God is gracious and loving and I have begun to taste and see that the Lord our God is good. That he is my refuge and my strong tower, where I can run to Him and I am safe. It is yielding the controls over to God and allowing Him to do his work in me.

At the beginning of Living Waters I quoted Hosea 2. That continues to ring true to me. How God Took away everything because of my unfaithfulness and because I forgot Him. YET...you oh God allured me, lead me to a desert spoke tenderly to me, gave me back the vineyards. I sing as in the days of my youth, as in the days I came out of Egypt.

I have realized how broken and weak I really am. That I can boast in my weakness and in that God's strength is revealed. I have realized that admitting my weakness fully in front of other men has brought me much healing. For me the small group times meant more than anything. It made me realize I am not alone. That I can bare my soul and not be rejected or judged. That is HUGE!

For me something happened in January. I cannot fully fathom it. I wrote that something new is going on...yet it's not scary anymore. I am actually a bit excited in what is happening my alone times with God have taken on a whole new feel. Being able to just talk to him. Tell him what is going on and the crap I feel and the joy I experience. So I hold on to his robe, casting my cares at the cross and prepare for the ride of my life.

Psalm 90:14-17

Satisfy us in the morning with your unfailing love
so we may sing for joy to the end of our lives.
Give us gladness in proportion to our misery.
Replace the evil years with good.
Let us, your servants, see you work again,
let our children see your glory
and may the Lord our God show us his approval
and make our efforts successful.

This is a journey, a challenging and sometimes difficult way to live. I really feel that we have all taken the narrow less traveled path. For me it is opening up and doing the opposite of what I normally would do. It is laying down my life and allowing Christ to transform this vessel of a man. It is being open to the refiners fire and crying out to be consummed by his spirit.

my heart aches to be consumed by your fire
the refinement of precious metal
break down the calluses and hardened metal
come refiners fire
Burn apart the barriers holding me secure
all the preconceptions long with held
hold me tight as you bring you fire
come refiners fire
Secret rooms and boundaries built
years of self induced ache
not willing to hold it in
come refiners fire
burn long and hard, my aching heart
beat the drums and trumpets shout
as the walls come crashing in
come refiners fire
come refiners fire.

Peace to you who have shared the last 25 weeks with me, who have listened and imparted life. Blessings to you!

beautiful life

Today was the last session of Living Waters and I have to admit, I am happy that it is over. Now don't get me wrong. I loved it. I loved most of all the time spent with the guys. Hearing the stories of their lives. Being vulnerable and real. Transparent. I walk away a better man because of the input that 6 men in my group played in my life. How they shared, how they reacted. It shows how important community is in our lives. How important and God driven it is to connect with me. I understand how much has been twisted and bent out of shape in my years of seeking encounters with men sexually. How in my past relationship with my ex, not everthing was bad. How it has always been God's intent for men to be real with one another and have intimate relationships with each other...just not in a sexual way.

Now society may deem that invalid, especially with todays views on homosexuality, but I feel like more of a man than I ever have. I got a comment from someone and he said...it was too bad that I never allowed myself the experience to really know God as a gay man and to experience a totally committed relationship. I have had to disagree with him. To know God fully...I do not believe you can be in a gay relationship and honestly know God fully. I think you can know God and God can use you and move in you, but to fully understand the healing and the annointing...not sure if you can, and I do not need to go there to see if you could. For me, I am happy in the place where I am at.

I have lived in the gay community, and there are parts of that community that I loved. There is also parts that I thought "darkness dwells there". I have lived in both sides of the sphere. I am choosing to walk in the fullness of Christ. I know people who are gay who say they are christians and who walk and talk with God. I believe that...but I think that deep down, there is something more that they crave, desire and want. Something that man cannot give. A wholeness, a deeper relationship with God, the Abba Father, Holy One, who sent His only son Jesus to take from us the hurts of our youth, our adulthood and place it on the cross. All the disappointments of having a messed up family, incest, abuse, confusion of our gender. I know men and woman who have walked out of the confusion and into the light of who they are in Christ and who are extrememly happy and fullfilled.

So my challenge is for anyone reading this who is questioning, who has a relationship with God...is there more to life than what you have? Is what you have all there is? Is God calling you to something more?

As hard as it could be and will be, all God wants is to embrace us and call us into our true identities...apart from the worlds view.

I leave that with you. I place this flower on here as a sign of my thankfulness to those who have embraced me and supported me. Who have carried me through this time in my life and who continually bless me. To those men in my group who inspire me and move me past my own brokenness. To the leaders who pushed, pulled and prayed. To the teachers who taught about the truth, grace and mercy of our God. Thank you for who you are in Christ Jesus.

through the gate

Living Waters ends this week. Reflecting...which I do a lot of...this has been an incredible journey.

Entering through the gate of healing and understanding. Remembering who I am and who I am called to be. Continuation of the life of transparency. Recognizing that this journey cannot be walked alone. Community is so understated in our society. It is a get what you can and just be happy. Do what makes you happy.

Yesterday night, after an incredible weekend of planning and executing an engagement party for a couple that I know, I got home and crashed! Emotions flowed freely as I relished this gift from God, and the ability to use it! Then emotions of wanting more. Of wanting to step out of this peaceful and joyous moment and be gratified in my flesh. To be more exact...I wanted to go out and have sex. I have not felt that for a long time. Then I sat, prayed, asked for clarity. I went on msn and chatted with a friend who prayed and as I reflected on what God is doing in my life, the intensity diminished. No longer did I want to go out and seek a false sense of release.

Yesterday, the message that I got out of the life lesson and what struck me was how we make ourselves look good when really we are feeling like shit. I battle with that. There are times, when I make myself out to be more than what I am. That I am stronger than what I feel inside. Again, it is making me dig deeper. It is making me give things over to God...saying...."REFINE ME!"

Yesterday I wrote this...

There is this dark
this incredible dark
that tries it's best to cover me.

To enter in, to take a place
of things that are unseen,
into the corners of my mind
where thoughts and passions play.

So take a step
step away,
So take a step
step away.

into the arms of my Father
who brings new life to me.
who brings his light
and shines it bright,
into the corners of my life.

So incredible is the truth of who God is. It is having a faith of something unseen. It is moving past the will of myself and accepting God's truth for my life. I can no longer walk back and into the past and into the life that I led. Too much knowledge has entered into my mind and especially my heart. God has taken the blinders off and allowed me to see who I am. This incredibly gifted man. Flamboyant, creative, tender, warrior, ready to do battle. Ready to show compassion, not judgement. Ready to be used by him in every aspect of my life. To know the extent of his infinite love. To serve and be ready to give, out of his love for me. Knowing that there is no choice anymore. No choice to go back.

For me the way is secure. For me the path is narrow, difficult, yet I am not alone. So I am going through the gate, up this path towards the future prize. This path that was not meant to be walked alone, this path full of stones and fallen trees. This way of life is narrow, but it is also full of joy, peace and a security. It is an adventure worth living. I challenge those not on this journey to consider joining. It's not as bad as you think!




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