Monday, April 03, 2006
through the gate
Living Waters ends this week. Reflecting...which I do a lot of...this has been an incredible journey.
Entering through the gate of healing and understanding. Remembering who I am and who I am called to be. Continuation of the life of transparency. Recognizing that this journey cannot be walked alone. Community is so understated in our society. It is a get what you can and just be happy. Do what makes you happy.
Yesterday night, after an incredible weekend of planning and executing an engagement party for a couple that I know, I got home and crashed! Emotions flowed freely as I relished this gift from God, and the ability to use it! Then emotions of wanting more. Of wanting to step out of this peaceful and joyous moment and be gratified in my flesh. To be more exact...I wanted to go out and have sex. I have not felt that for a long time. Then I sat, prayed, asked for clarity. I went on msn and chatted with a friend who prayed and as I reflected on what God is doing in my life, the intensity diminished. No longer did I want to go out and seek a false sense of release.
Yesterday, the message that I got out of the life lesson and what struck me was how we make ourselves look good when really we are feeling like shit. I battle with that. There are times, when I make myself out to be more than what I am. That I am stronger than what I feel inside. Again, it is making me dig deeper. It is making me give things over to God...saying...."REFINE ME!"
Yesterday I wrote this...
There is this dark
this incredible dark
that tries it's best to cover me.
To enter in, to take a place
of things that are unseen,
into the corners of my mind
where thoughts and passions play.
So take a step
So take a step
into the arms of my Father
who brings new life to me.
who brings his light
and shines it bright,
into the corners of my life.
So incredible is the truth of who God is. It is having a faith of something unseen. It is moving past the will of myself and accepting God's truth for my life. I can no longer walk back and into the past and into the life that I led. Too much knowledge has entered into my mind and especially my heart. God has taken the blinders off and allowed me to see who I am. This incredibly gifted man. Flamboyant, creative, tender, warrior, ready to do battle. Ready to show compassion, not judgement. Ready to be used by him in every aspect of my life. To know the extent of his infinite love. To serve and be ready to give, out of his love for me. Knowing that there is no choice anymore. No choice to go back.
For me the way is secure. For me the path is narrow, difficult, yet I am not alone. So I am going through the gate, up this path towards the future prize. This path that was not meant to be walked alone, this path full of stones and fallen trees. This way of life is narrow, but it is also full of joy, peace and a security. It is an adventure worth living. I challenge those not on this journey to consider joining. It's not as bad as you think!